A Typical Episode of Neighbours!, a neighbours fanfic

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A Typical Neighbours Episode!

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It's just another day in Ramsay Street….

Susan (excitedly): "Oh look! A complete stranger is knocking on my door; I'm going to invite him to move in and pay all his bills and try and find solutions to all his problems!"

Lyn (spluttering): "But Susan! He's a complete STRANGER!"

Susan: "My last 42 house-guests have been strangers, Lynn. What's your point?"

Lyn chooses to change her hairstyle rather than enter into an argument.

Complete Stranger: "Could you tell me where the post office is?"

Susan (linking arms with the man): "Would you like help with your bags?"

Complete stranger: "Excuse me?"

Susan (dragging the bewildered man into the house): "My ex-husband Karl (who I see more often now than when I was actually married to him) will bring them around for you. Breakfast is usually at 8. Just help yourself to anything in the fridge."

Complete stranger (utterly confused): "What?"

Susan (rolling her eyes): "I'm talking about when you're moving in."

Complete stranger: "I think there's been a mistake – I only want to know where the post off - "

Susan: "Will the top bunk in Billy's old room do? I'll take your inside leg measurement right now and make you some pyjamas."

She whips out her measuring tape and advances on the poor man.

Complete stranger (in horror): "What are you talking about? What are you doing? Are you insane?"

Suddenly, every single person in Ramsay Street appears out of nowhere and glares viciously at the man, whilst standing in an intimidating circle.

Everyone: "Don't be nasty to Susan you EVIL MAN. Do exactly what she says or 56 of her adoring neighbours will take it in turns to kill you. Starting with Harold."

The stranger runs for his life, changes his name and immigrates to Antarctica.

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The next day….

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Knock knock!

Susan (excitedly): "Oh look! It's another complete stranger - "

Lyn chooses to kill herself with Oscar's rattle rather than go through all this again.

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Meanwhile, across the road, Steph is moaning about something (for a change).

Steph: "Has it occurred to you that there isn't a single person in Erinsborough who Izzy hasn't tried to either kill or ruin or COMPLETELY destroy?"

Max (stuffing his fingers in his ears as he always does whenever it comes to discussing Izzy's faults): "Sorry?"

Steph (rolling her eyes): "Nothing, Max."

Steph proceeds to moan for 20 minutes about something that nobody cares about.

Steph: "Max? Have you noticed how boring and whiny and depressed I've become since marrying you?"

Max: "I think everyone has, dear."

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Sky is at home, being her usual self.

Sky: "Boyd! I love you with all my heart! Without you I'll die!"

10 minutes pass by.

Sky: "Dylan! I love you with all my heart! Without you I'll die!"

3 minutes pass by. (It's easier to get over Dylan than Boyd).

Sky: "Jean-Pierre-Christoph-Jacques-Yves-Saint-Lauren! I love you with all my heart! Without you I'll die!"

Harold: "Err…Sky…. I think I've discovered why you're so angry at the world all the time."

Sky: "Sorry? I can't hear you over my clothes."

Harold (shouting): "I SAID - "

Sky (ignoring Harold): "No one understands me!"

Harold: "I think they'd need their heads examining if they did, dear."

They cuddle on the sofa and everything is alright again.

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Connor enters the house that he shares with Toadie. He is all dressed in green and has a pint of Guinness in each hand, a leprechaun on his head and a shamrock in every pocket. He is singing the Irish national anthem.

Passer by: "I wonder where that man is from."

Connor (to Toadie): "Oim goihn oyt."

Toadie: "Excuse me? What on earth did you just say?"

Connor (in exasperation): "Oi sehhdd Oim gonnaepop-oyt!"

Toadie (completely confused): "WHAT?"

Connor (angrily): "Stop discriminating against me just because I'm Irish. Everyone in Ireland would know what I'm saying."

The entire population of Ireland: "What on earth is that bizarre green man talking about? I can't understand a word he's saying!"

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All of a sudden, some medical emergencies occur….

Steph: "I'm having a baby!"

Everyone: "Call Karl."

Susan: "We need a counsellor at the school!"

Everyone: "Call Karl."

Lyn: "Oscar's just said a rude word!"

Everyone: "Call Karl."

Izzy: "I'm - "

Everyone: "Shut up, Izzy."

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Later on:

Toadie: "How's your daughter?"

Connor: "What daughter?"

Toadie: "The one you never mention for weeks on end, then suddenly act like she's the most important thing in the world when you see her for all of two and a half minutes every 6 years."

Connor: "What are you talking about? Anyway - why do you never mention Dee anymore?"

Toadie: "Who on earth is Dee?"

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It's just another day in the Timmins-Scully household.

Bree (dreamily): "I wandered lonely as a cloud that floats on high o'er vale and hill - "

Janelle (just wanting to pick a fight for no apparent reason): "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Bree: "I'm reciting Wordsworth!"

Janelle: "YOU'RE SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT! WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE DYLAN? GO OUTSIDE AND CAUSE SOME TROUBLE!"

Bree obediently leaves. Janae enters, dragging Boyd by the ear, claiming that she wants to marry him and live with him.

Janelle: "YOU'RE SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT! WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE BREE? STAY INSIDE AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK!"

Janae drags Boyd off. Dylan enters. He is dressed extremely smartly and hands a bouquet of flowers to Janelle.

Janelle (throwing the flowers at him): "YOU'RE SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT! WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE ANYONE ELSE IN THIS ENTIRE WORLD? I HATE YOU! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

Scott enters. He has a giant catapult and starts firing stones at all the windows, smashing the glass to smithereens.

Janelle (in raptures): "SCOTTY! YOU'RE PERFECT!"

Kim (quietly): "No wonder our kids are so instable with a mother like you."

Janelle: "WHAT?"

Kim (hiding behind the couch): "I said I'm extremely scared of you and please don't hurt me."

Janelle: "Correct answer."

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Suddenly, more medical situations arise….

Boyd: "I've got steroid-induced psychosis."

Everyone: "Call Karl."

Sindi: "I'm trying to kill everybody."

Everyone: "Call Karl."

Nurse: "We need someone to run every single ward in Erinsborough hospital AND the local surgery simultaneously and single-handedly.

Everyone: "Karl will do it."

Karl: "I'm having a heart attack!"

Susan: "Tea, anyone?"

(Karl is the only doctor within a 32,000-mile radius so there's no one to help him. Everyone just leaves him to die.)

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Stuart walks into the Chief's office at the station.

Stuart: "I just became a policeman yesterday after only two weeks of training!"

His Superior: "Well done! There's nothing bizarre about that at all. As you must be so experienced, I allocate you to deal with every single problem in Erinsborough, no matter how big or small and no matter what the level of police training required. Got that?"

Stuart (suddenly bursting into tears): "My wife has started trying to kill all my friends and has now asked me for a separation!"

His Superior (in horror): "Oh my goodness, that's terrible! I'm so sorry - "

Stuart (confused): "What's terrible?"

His Superior: "You just said your wife - "

Stuart: "What wife? What are you talking about?"

His Superior: "You just said – your wife has started trying to kill all your friends and has now asked you for a separation - "

Stuart (rolling his eyes): "That was five minutes ago. I'm fine now. In fact, I don't even remember her at all now."

He screws up his eyes in concentration.

Stuart: "Nope – can't remember a thing."

His Superior: "You'll make a fine policeman."

Stuart: "A fine what now?"

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Harold has a flashback of himself, David, Paul and Lil.

Lil (totally besotted): "I love you, David! You are my life!"

David leaves the room.

Lil (totally besotted): "I love you, Paul! You are my life!"

Paul leaves her for 5 minutes.

Lil (totally besotted): "I love you, David! You are my life!"

Harold hands Lil a cup of tea.

Lil (totally besotted): "I love you, teacup! You are my life!"

Harold (back in the present): "I think I see where Sky gets it from…."

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Lyn and Susan are having their 750th cup of tea for the day.

Lyn: "How are your kids doing?"

Susan (looking at Lyn as if she's an idiot): "What kids?"

Lyn: "The ones whose portraits are hanging above the mantelpiece."

Susan: "I have no idea. And don't bother asking Karl - he has no idea either."

Lyn: "Isn't that a bit odd?"

Susan: "Funny, it never crossed my mind. How are you children?"

Lyn (raising her eyebrows): "What children?"

Susan: "The ones you never mention."

Lyn (thinking very hard): "I have no idea."

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Izzy and Susan are standing in the middle of Ramsay Street, having a very mature and grown-up conversation.

Izzy: "Stop trying to steal Karl from me!"

Susan: "You stole him from ME!"

Izzy: "You stole him from ME!"

Susan: "You stole him from ME!"

Izzy: "Let's be friends!"

Susan: "Ok."

Half a second later:

Izzy: "Stop trying to steal Karl from me!"

Susan: "You stole him from ME!"

Izzy: "You stole him from ME!"

Susan: "You stole him from ME!"

Izzy (trying to be clever): "A watched pot never boils Susan."

Susan (incredulously): "What? That's a completely inappropriate proverb for this situation! Do you think that if you just smile flirtatiously and wear a revealing top, nobody will notice that you talk complete nonsense and manipulate everyone?"

Izzy smiles flirtatiously and puts on a revealing top.

Funnily enough, nobody notices that she is talking complete nonsense and manipulating everyone.

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Lou and Harold are spending a quiet evening in.

Lou is in his dressing gown. Harold is wearing his Salvation Army outfit and is holding his tuba.

Lou: "Do you sleep like that?"

Harold: "Yes."

Lou (suddenly wistful): "You know, I've been thinking about my life - "

Harold: "Why on earth would you want to do that?"

Lou (ignoring Harold): " - all the women who have broken my heart - Annalise, Cheryl, Trixie, Mishka, Madge - "

Lou hurriedly turns that last name into a cough.

Harold (indignantly): "What did you just say?"

Lou (thinking frantically): "Err…I said that you should try and kill Paul Robinson."

Harold: "What a wonderful idea."

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Forty hours later, two women are still fighting over Erinsborough's most irresistible man ever.

Izzy: "Stop trying to steal Karl from me!"

Susan: "You stole him from ME!"

Izzy: "You stole him from ME!"

Susan: "We could go on like this all day. Perhaps it's time we - "

Izzy: "You stole him from ME!"

Susan rolls her eyes.

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Toadie and Lou have a conversation over the hedge.

Toadie: "Have you ever noticed how whenever someone new moves into Ramsey Street, they always have a sinister past that they try to hide, then they try to kill us, and then they end up being our best friend?"

Lou: "Not really."

Toadie: "Me neither."

Lou: "Have you ever thought it strange how no one in Ramsey Street socialises with anyone who doesn't live in Ramsey Street?"

Toadie: "Not really."

Lou: "Me neither."

Toadie: "Have you ever wondered - "

Lou: "Not really."

Toadie: "Me neither."

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Izzy: "I hate EVERYONE in Ramsay Street and everyone in Ramsay Street despises me! If I were ANYWHERE but in Ramsay Street, I'd be the happiest person in the world. Where shall I choose to go and live, Max?"

Max: "How about Ramsay Street?"

Izzy: "Oooh wonderful idea. You always were the brains of the family."

Max (cheekily): "Well there wasn't much competition."

Izzy thinks that he is giving her a compliment, so she smiles affectionately at Max.

Everyone laughs at Izzy's stupidity.

Izzy thinks that they are flattering her. She smiles again.

Susan rolls her eyes.

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Karl (still dying of a heart-attack): "I have enough time to make one phone call before I die…. Shall I call an ambulance, because the paramedics will almost certainly save me, or shall I call my exes?"

Karl's brain: "Call your exes."

Karl: "Thank you, brain! You never let me down."

Karl's brain (modestly): "Don't mention it."

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Lil enters the room. David and Paul are both sitting at the table, having an arm-wrestling match to decide who should get Lil. (Whoever loses has to have her).

Lil: "Hello, sweetheart!"

Paul and David: "Which one of us are you talking to?"

Lil: "I have no idea. I can't remember which one of you I'm in love with this week."

Neither can anyone else.

Paul (helpfully): "Well it was me yesterday, so now it's David's turn I suppose."

Lil chooses to ask the tea leaves what to do. They tell her to stop being such an annoying woman.

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Ramsay Street's most loving family are having a civilised conversation.

Janelle: "DYLAN! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Dylan (confused): "What is?"

Janelle: "I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA! BUT I KNOW ONE THING FOR CERTAIN - IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

The door falls off it's hinges due to the vibrations of Janelle's voice.

Janelle: "KIM, YOU LOSER!"

The glass in every single window in Erinsborough shatters.

Janelle: "JANAE – DROP DEAD!"

All the houses in Ramsey Street crumble.

A SWAT team arrives on the scene in a helicopter.

SWAT team (with a megaphone, keeping a safe distance): "Ma'am, please stop shouting! Your voice is damaging the infrastructure of this entire - "

Janelle: "DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT NOT TO - "

The whole of Australia gets wiped off the map.

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The End

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Heheheee hope you liked it! This wasn't meant to be insulting in any way – I LOVE Neighbours! I've watched it all my life and I adore it! I just think it's hilarious because if you think of twenty people you know, and all that has happened to them in their entire lifetimes, it will happen to one character in Neighbours in the space of a week!