Holding On

by evitascarlett

A collection of deleted scenes, missing moments and some alternate scenes from Apologize.

6. Chapter 6- Big Girls Don't Cry

A/N: Thanks for your reviews!

I've melded and extended these scenes into a full chapter that fits between chapters 12 and 13. In chapter 13, I had jumped a few days time these scenes (now chapter) fill in some of that time before chapter 13 starts.

Deleted Chapter – Big Girls Don't Cry – between chs 12-13

"It's personal, myself and I, we've got some straightenin' out to do" – Fergie

Kate felt uneasy as she sat across from her mother at the kitchen table that evening. The scrape of forks against their plates was the only sound between them. She found herself wishing that her father had stayed but she understood that he had promised to meet with a friend to discuss a case. He needed to keep up appearances…but she wished he was there. It was too quiet without him there to force conversation. Her mother had been oddly quiet for two days now, still convinced that she had let her down when their search of her papers had turned up nothing useful. She had to take some of the blame for her mother feeling that way though, after all, she hadn't don't anything to convince her otherwise. She should probably be happy that her mother seemed to have slammed on the brakes in her mission to reconcile. It was what she had wanted…wasn't it?

She didn't want to dwell on that and besides, her mother would probably pick up the torch again…after all, she could sense her stealing glances at her, clearly there was something on Johanna Beckett's mind that she was desperate to unleash. The real question was, did she want to hear it? Her own thoughts and feelings were still in turmoil and she wasn't sure just how much wiggle room she wanted to give her mother.

Johanna sighed softly and shifted in her seat, her unease felt by both of them. There was a topic she needed to broach, and while it wasn't anything major, she still worried about bothering her daughter with it.

"Spit it out," Kate stated, her voice shattering the silence between them.

"What?" Johanna asked in confusion.

"Whatever it is that's on your mind, just spit it out and get it over with."

Johanna shifted uncomfortably in her seat once again. "I need to do laundry," she confessed; knowing how stupid and trivial it sounded.

Kate glanced at her. "And you've forgotten how?"

"No," she replied; ignoring the small amount of snark that came with the answer.

"Then what?"

"I can't go to the laundry mat. I would if I could but I know that isn't an option," Johanna said, trailing off as her gaze flicked to the small laundry room off of Kate's kitchen that housed her apartment sized stackable washer and dryer. "So I was wondering if I could use your washer."

"That's it?" Kate asked.

"Yes…would it be okay if I used it? I really need to do laundry."

Her daughter nodded. "That's what it's there for…you could've just went ahead and done it."

"I didn't want to overstep."

Kate eyed her but her mother's gaze was focused on her plate. "Do you really think I'd have a problem with you wanting clean clothes?"

"I just felt better asking first…this is your home, your belongings," Johanna stated quietly.

"And yet you had no problem walking into my kitchen and taking over," she replied.

Johanna's fork slipped from her grasp at the comment; her daughter was right, she had taken over her kitchen without any qualms and that hadn't been right either. "You're right, Katie; I'm sorry," she murmured. "I should've asked first if you minded me cooking."

"I don't mind," she said with an air of frustration. "I was just making a point. You can cook and you can wash your clothes, okay?"

Her mother nodded and fell silent; retreating back into her shell. The sight of it unnerved Kate a little more. It wasn't like her mother to give up so easily and yet it appeared that she was…at least in regard to her…and she still wasn't sure what to think of that…or how to feel about it and she still didn't want to dwell on it. For some reason she couldn't fathom, she felt compelled to push the conversation forward. "Just out of curiosity, how many days of clean clothes are you down to?"

"About two."

"I take it that's why you're wearing a skirt today?"

Johanna gave a nod as she picked up her glass and took a drink.

"You brought several bags with you," Kate commented. "You've gone through all of that?"

"I've been in New York for a few weeks now."

"You didn't do laundry while you were at the hotel?"

"No; I put it off."

"Why? That's not like you."

Johanna bit her lip, debating whether to answer or not. "I was afraid your father would stop by to see me and I wouldn't be there…I didn't want him to think that I…," she trailed off; not wanting to say the words 'I didn't want him to think I had left him again'.

Kate's jaw tightened. "I see."

The last bite of dinner that Johanna had taken turned to sawdust in her mouth and she had to force herself to swallow it as she saw the tension settle over Kate's features.

"You have a phone," her daughter said in a somewhat clipped tone. "You could've called him and had him meet you where you were. Why didn't you do that?"

She sighed and swallowed a sharp retort; lashing out would only make things worse and she was in no mood for a fight.

"Well?" Kate asked. "Why didn't you do that?"

"I just wanted to be at the hotel. I wanted to be easily found if he came around…or you," Johanna replied, not bothering to mention that she had planned on asking Jim to go with her to the laundry mat but then those notes had started showing up and she'd been moved to Kate's. Thoughts of laundry had fallen by the wayside.

"You could've done your laundry; I wasn't coming to visit," Kate replied without thought.

"I know."

"What would you have done if I had said no about using my washer and dryer?" her daughter asked out of curiosity.

"I guess I'd start washing things by hand in the sink," Johanna answered. "My hair dryer is on its last leg but I'm sure it would've dried a few things before quitting."

"That's not much of a backup plan."

Johanna said nothing in response as she rose from the table and began to clean up. Kate watched her as she busied herself. "Is there anything else you need that you might've forgotten to mention?"

"Laundry detergent."

"You mean you didn't bring your own?" she said sarcastically.

"No…I was hoping I could get you or your father to buy me a bottle tomorrow."

"You used to know sarcasm when you heard it."

She had heard it; she just hadn't felt up to acknowledging it…in fact she found herself feeling somewhat numb in regard to her daughter's remarks. "I'll ask Jim to get me what I need; you're busy with work."

"I have detergent," Kate said with exasperation. "Use it and do what you need to do."

"Thank you," Johanna replied sincerely as she turned to the sink and filled it in preparation of washing the dishes.

Kate studied her as she kept her back to her. Her mother wasn't fighting back…she wasn't crying…she wasn't begging for forgiveness or forcing the conversation to continue; in fact, she had been the one prolonging the conversation. It felt odd…this wasn't standard behavior from her mother. She shook her head; she didn't know what to make of her mood and she didn't want to dwell on it all night; she'd rather dwell on work and the open case she had to get back to in the morning. She figured her mother would sort herself out eventually, if not, her father would probably sort her out and put her back to rights. She wasn't going to worry too much…yet.

---

Johanna jerked awake, bolting upright in bed as a soft cry spilled from her lips. Her breathing was ragged, her skin coated in a cold sweat. She shivered violently, choking sobs in her throat that she held at bay in fear of waking her daughter. Images of the odd twisted dream she had been having kept flicking through her mind…images of her in that alley where she was supposed to meet someone with information about the case…where she was supposed to meet her end…of it happening…her heart pounded, her stomach clenching. She'd had that dream before and it never got any less terrifying…and this time was worse, as it shifted from the sight of her bleeding to death alone and turned into a different a scene. She was with Jim and Katie and they were both telling her how much they despised her, how they never wanted to see her again. They were insisting that she go back to Wyoming and leave them in peace, that there was nothing left for her in New York; their love for her was gone. She could still hear Kate ordering her to leave her home…she could still see her husband laughing at her, telling her that she must be insane if she really thought he'd ever take her back.

Those parts of her dreams were bad enough but then it had shifted for a third time and she found herself in that alley once again, only this time she was being held captive by some shadowy figure who was forcing her to watch as her daughter was brought forward. Johanna squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to remember how in her dream she had been forced to watch her daughter be stabbed repeatedly. She wondered how she had kept from screaming out loud as she had been in her dream…screaming, crying, fighting, begging them to kill her instead; but her captor only laughed, told her that her suffering was only just beginning. Her husband had been brought into the alley next…and she had continued to beg, scream and fight. She remembered Jim looking at her daughter on the ground and then to her, telling her to stop her protesting, that it was better for him to meet his end because he'd never be able to forgive her for what she had let happen to Katie…that he'd never be able to stand the sight or thought of her again. She had to watch as they raised the same knife to him…falling to her knees as her world fell away from her, two bloody heaps on the ground. Her begging continued…begging her menace to end her misery…and he had refused; telling her that he wanted her alive so she could live with what she had done every day of her miserable life so she could be an example to those who dared to cross him.

She pulled her legs up against her, clamping her lips tightly together as she cried and rocked herself slowly. "It was just a dream," she kept telling herself. "Just a bad dream." She'd had hundreds of them before…she'd had this one before…only it had been worse than ever this time. The images wouldn't fade from her mind and she tossed off the tangled covers. She had to get away from the room. She grabbed her robe and quickly moved toward the door and then as quietly as possible she crept down the hallway to the bathroom door. She slipped inside, her breathing still erratic, her heart hammering against her ribs, refusing to slow. She went to the sink and turned the water on to wash away the sheen of sweat from her skin but she felt her stomach clench again and she knew this time it would rebel.

Johanna prayed the sound of the running water in the sink would drown out the sound of her emptying her stomach. She didn't want Kate to hear her or see her like this…she didn't want to have to explain. The only comfort she was taking from the whole ordeal was that she hadn't woken up screaming out loud like she always had in Wyoming. When her stomach was empty and the evidence flushed away, she washed her face and brushed her teeth. She grabbed her washcloth and washed away the sweat clinging to her arms and chest. Her thin summer nightgown was soaked and she peeled it off and slipped into her robe, tying the sash tightly. She made sure the bathroom was put back to rights and then picked her nightgown up and headed for the door; she paused as she opened it, listening for any indication that she had woke Kate but she heard nothing. Being cautious of the squeaky floor boards in certain areas of the hallway, she tiptoed back to her room.

A glance at the clock told her that it was 3:35 in the morning as she clicked the light on. There wouldn't be any going back to sleep; sleep could wait for sometime in the daylight when her dreams might not turn so dark. Johanna shivered and dropped her sweaty nightgown onto one of her bags. She moved to the closet where the suitcase holding her few remaining clean clothes sat; she took out a pair of soft grey leggings and pulled them on and then grabbed a silky blue sleeveless pajama top; it wouldn't help her warm up but her options were limited. She put it on and then pulled her robe back on as well. Her gaze flicked to the clock and then back to her suitcases…the small laundry room was far enough from the bedrooms that she didn't think the sound of the washer and dryer would disturb Kate. She wished she had a clothes basket but seeing as how she didn't; she picked up two of her bags and headed for the door. She carried them to the kitchen and then returned to the guest room for the rest. After a few trips, she had all of her clothes and her phone, glasses and book. She dragged the bags to the laundry room and flipped on the light.

Johanna located the laundry detergent and bleach on the shelf on the wall and she found the clothes baskets…all of which were brimming with her daughter's clothes. She frowned; apparently Kate had gotten behind on her laundry as well. She'd have to sort her clothes out on the floor, and with the small size of the washer and dryer she was going to have more loads than she would've liked. She blew out a breath; it didn't matter, once she was caught up she'd keep up on things and it wouldn't be so much next time. She needed the distraction anyway. She went to her bags and began to sort out the clothes, separating them into piles. She had the first load in the washer by four and she moved back into the kitchen and put water on to heat for a cup of tea. Her empty stomach ached, her head carrying a dull ache as well. She didn't want to risk another trip down the hallway so she brushed off the thought of searching for a pain reliever. She quietly searched the cupboard for some crackers to keep her stomach settled and once she had them and her tea was ready, she settled down at the table and slipped her glasses on before opening her book. She prayed it would be enough to drive the images of her dream from her mind…but even if it did, she was still feeling the effects of lingering melancholy that had taken hold of her. A sigh crossed her lips…she wondered if she'd ever feel better again…and right behind that thought was the fear that any part of that dream could come true; that one way or another, Kate and Jim might leave her…the thought of it being in the violent way she had dreamed made her tremble, her stomach dipped, her heart twisting. She shook away the thought and kept telling herself that it wouldn't happen like that…that if anything, they'd leave her the other way…they'd tell her to leave them alone. She didn't want to think about them sending her away…and yet she knew that somewhere inside she had to be prepared for it if it came to that.

---

When Kate padded into the kitchen a few hours later, she found Johanna at the stove, lifting an omelet out of the skillet and putting it on a plate. She added a couple strips of bacon and toast and then put the plate on the table before turning back to the fridge to grab the orange juice to fill their glasses. Neither one of them spoke but Kate noticed the remaining piles of clothes on the kitchen floor outside of the laundry room and she heard the sound of the washer and dryer. Glancing around more, she took notice of the suitcases against the wall that were open and holding neatly folded clothes and the small stack of folded jeans on one of the kitchen chairs.

"What's with the luggage?" she asked. "Are you moving?"

Johanna's gaze flicked to hers for a brief second. "No," she said softly. "I'm sorry."

Kate sighed. "It's too early to start all that; what are you doing?"

"Laundry; you said I could."

Kate took stock of the pile on the floor and the suitcases that contained folded clothes; she then glanced at the set table, the food that was now on plates and then looked back to her mother who was already dressed for the day. "How long have you been up?"

"Since a little after three-thirty," she admitted as she took a seat across from her daughter.

"When did you start doing laundry?"

"At four; I'm almost finished."

"Why were you up so early?"

"Couldn't sleep."

"Any reason for that?" Kate asked.

Johanna shook her head and stayed quiet. She wasn't about to tell her about her bad dream. She didn't need that on her mind.

"Are you alright, you look a little pale?"

"I'm fine."

"Is something bothering you?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded and took a bite of her omelet.

Kate studied her as she took a bite of bacon; it seemed like her mother's mood had gotten worse overnight. She still didn't know what to make of this oddly quiet demeanor of hers; it was such an abrupt change from how she had been acting. She hated that it was starting to worry her. "You're not hiding something, are you? There wasn't a note when you got up, was there?"

"No, Katie," Johanna said somewhat sharply. "I wouldn't do that."

"You have before…you got five of them at the hotel before you told anyone."

Johanna closed her eyes; she was aware of that, but she hadn't hidden any from Kate since being in her home. "I'm not hiding anything."

"Then what's wrong with you?"

"I'm tired."

"Then you shouldn't be doing laundry at four in the morning," she retorted.

Johanna scrubbed a hand over her face as she got up from the table. "Eat your breakfast."

Kate took a bite of her omelet, her gaze following her mother as she moved toward the laundry room. She listened as Johanna emptied the dryer, carrying her pile of clothes to the table and putting them on one of the vacant chairs before she picked up the pile from the floor to put in the washer.

"Who are you mad at?" Kate asked as Johanna ignored the rest of her breakfast in favor of folding her laundry.

"No one."

"Seems like it."

"I'm not mad at anyone…you're the one who's always mad," she remarked without thought.

"I can't imagine why," her daughter said tartly. "Can you?"

Johanna sucked in a breath; she could imagine plenty of reasons and it only increased her guilt…only made it seem as though she'd never be able to reach her daughter. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah; you always are."

Johanna winced slightly as she turned a bit in her chair to avoid Kate, her ribs feeling the effects of throwing up hours before. She didn't respond to her daughter's statement; she didn't need to. Kate had already made it clear that she could never atone for what she had done. The thought only depressed her further as she carefully folded her clothes.

Kate blew out a breath as she watched her, figuring her mother had turned away to keep her from seeing her face. She was so damn prickly the last few days…and the thought struck her that maybe she was getting a taste of her own medicine. That wasn't a thought she enjoyed…and the fleeting thought that she should push more and find out what exactly was on her mother's mind, causing this increased bout of melancholy was a thought she enjoyed even less. Prying meant she cared more than she wanted to. Caring more felt dangerous. She glanced at the clock, she needed to get out. "Have you heard from Dad yet this morning?" she asked.

"He sent a text a little while ago saying he'd be here in a little while…if you need to go, you can. I'll be fine."

She desperately wanted to escape the oppression that seemed to be lingering in the air. "I'm going to head to the precinct."

"Have a good day," Johanna replied as she got up from her chair and moved to the suitcases. She figured she may as well tote them to the next room since she had to lock the door anyway. Kate surprised her by picking up one of the suitcases she had already zipped shut and she gave her a questioning gaze.

"I'll help you carry this stuff back to the guest room before I go."

"You don't have to."

"I know; there's a lot of things I don't have to do," Kate said sharply; "But I do it anyway."

Her mother nodded; she knew exactly what was implied by that statement. They carried all of the luggage with the exception of one bag back to the guest room and then Kate took the opportunity to flee, giving her usual instructions before she left. "Be careful, Katie," Johanna murmured at her back.

"I'll be fine, lock the door."

Kate waited in the hallway until she heard the lock turn and then she headed for the elevator, her father stepping off of it just as she neared. "Katie," he said as his gaze met hers. "Everything alright?"

She nodded. "In the way that you mean; I think your wife may be a different story."

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I just helped her drag her suitcases back to the guest room, she's been up doing laundry since four and she's in a mood."

"What kind of mood?"

"You'll see," she replied. "I'm going to work; I'll call later to check in."

"Alright, Katie," Jim said. "I'll see what I can do about her mood."

"Please do," she stated as she boarded the elevator.

Jim took his phone from his pocket and sent a quick text to Johanna to let her know that he was the one knocking on the door. A minute later Johanna opened the door and let him in. "How are you this morning?" he asked as she relocked the door.

"I'm fine," she replied while pushing a lock of hair back from her face. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," he answered; hating how things sometimes got awkward when he first arrived in the mornings. "Did you make coffee yet?"

Johanna gave him a small smile. "Of course, I'll get you a cup."

He followed her to the kitchen and spotted her plate on the table. He frowned as he noticed that it was still half full…the one across from it was as well meaning that Katie hadn't ate much either…and he wondered if that meant they'd had words.

Johanna poured his cup of coffee and followed his gaze to the plates on the table. "You may as well finish mine if you want it," she told him.

"Why don't you finish it?" he asked.

"I'm not really hungry…my stomach is a little upset."

Jim stepped forward and accepted his cup of coffee from her hands, brushing a light kiss against her cheek as he did so. "It's probably your nerves, Jo."

She gave him a nod. "I'm sure it is; go ahead and finish it if you want it…you wouldn't want bacon to go to waste, would you?"

"No, I wouldn't want that," he replied with a smile as he sat down at the table.

Johanna sat her plate down in front of him and gave him a clean fork and then cleared away Kate's half eaten breakfast before returning her attention to the rest of the clothes that needed folded before the next load finished. "Looks like you've been busy this morning," Jim commented.

"Yeah; I was almost out of clothes."

"Why didn't you do it sooner?"

"Too much going on I guess," she answered as she folded another pair of jeans.

"You do look a little pale this morning," he commented between bites.

"I know, your daughter told me."

He smiled. "Oh so she's mine today? I thought she was yours."

She smiled a little. "I think she'd prefer to be yours."

Jim shook his head. "I don't want to be solely responsible; you've got to take your share of her…it's your fault we had her."

"If believing that helps you get through the night, then you go ahead and keep thinking it, honey," Johanna quipped; her tone a little lighter.

"How much do you have left to do?" he asked with a nod at the laundry.

"The last load is in the washer. I probably would've been finished sooner but her washer is small."

"I know, I was with her when she bought it. I tried to get her to get one of the larger sized stackable but she said that one was enough."

"I don't think she'd have much room for a larger one," Johanna remarked. "I would like to suggest to her to get a small card table to put in there to fold clothes on but I don't want to offend her."

"I already made that suggestion when the washer and dryer was set up but she said that she'd fold them in the kitchen or the living room…she said that was always what you did."

"That's true," she replied. "But I also had clothes baskets available to tote them in and she doesn't."

Jim nodded in understanding. "I guess that explains the suitcase on the floor."

"They were all in here this morning but it doesn't really matter; the clothes were going back in them anyway."

He pondered that as he finished off her breakfast and picked up his cup of coffee for a drink. She was still living out of her suitcases, claiming she had no right to make herself comfortable. It was time for her to let go of that notion and settle in. This wasn't going to be over any time soon and he was sure she'd settle a little if she felt more at home.

"You should put your clothes in the dresser and the closet where they belong so you don't have to live out of your suitcases," he remarked.

"I don't mind," she replied as she began to put the batch of folded clothes into the remaining bag.

"Well I mind," he stated. He knew that she had heard him but she acted as if she hadn't as silence fell between them. She could pretend all she wanted, he thought to himself, but today she was unpacking…even if he had to do it himself.

---

Johanna washed up the breakfast dishes and then cleaned up the kitchen as Jim read the newspaper. She took the last load out of the washer and transferred it to the dryer; and then glancing at the clothes baskets that held her daughter's dirty clothes, she quickly sorted them and threw a load in the washer. Kate would probably get mad at her for it…but she could hope that she'd just take it as a silent thank you for allowing her to be there. Jim was still occupied with his newspaper when she left the laundry room so she retreated to the bedroom to make the bed and to move her luggage back to the corner of the room it occupied. By the time she finished giving herself busy work, the dryer had finished and she emptied it, dumping the last of her clothes on a kitchen chair to be folded.

The small pile of clothes was folded and shoved into the bag and she returned to the laundry room to throw Kate's clothes into the dryer and to put another load in the washer.

"I thought you said that was your last load," Jim remarked when she returned to the room.

"It was; I threw Katie's clothes in."

Her husband gave her a slightly worried look and she forced a small smile to her lips. "I know she'll be mad…but I want to earn my keep and return the favor somehow."

"I understand," he replied as he rose from his chair. "I'm not sure Katie will, but I do."

Johanna picked up her suitcase. "Well as long as someone does, I guess that's okay," she replied as she headed in the direction of the guest room.

He followed behind her, watching as she set the suitcase with the others and then moved to pick up a nightgown she had left lying on the foot of the bed with her robe. Now seemed as good as time as any, he figured as he moved into the room and went to the corner where her luggage was residing.

"What are you doing?" his wife asked.

"It's time for you to unpack, Jo," Jim stated as he lifted one of her suitcases up on the bed.

"There's no need for that," Johanna replied as she clutched her nightgown that she had been about to fold up and lay on top of the dresser.

He eyed her. "You're not planning on staying?"

"Of course I'm staying!"

"Then you need to unpack."

"I shouldn't make myself comfortable here," she stated. "This is Katie's home and I'm not welcome here."

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is; and you know it. She's only allowing me to be here because her captain ordered it. If there was another option that her boss would accept, she'd have me shipped out of here in a heartbeat. She doesn't want me here…she doesn't want anything to do with me, Jim."

"She's angry," he replied. "But that doesn't mean she wants you to be uncomfortable."

"I'm fine; I don't mind."

"What's the real reason you don't want to unpack?" Jim asked.

"I told you."

"That's only a part of it. I want all of it. Are you planning on leaving? Because despite what you just said a minute ago, your luggage implies that you're not planning on staying."

"I'm staying," she said firmly. "I just don't plan on staying here forever. I'm not going to invade Katie's home for a moment longer than necessary. When the time comes, I want to get out of her hair as quickly as possible so her life can get back to normal."

"And then where will you go?"

Johanna's heart dropped to her toes. That sounded like she wasn't going to be welcome to move home at any point in the foreseeable future. She gripped her nightgown and fought hard to keep from crying; the lump in her throat so large she was afraid she'd choke on it.

"Jo?" Jim questioned.

She forced herself to shove away the black clouds that threatened to consume her. "I…I," she stammered before clearing her throat. "I hoped to go home with you…if you'd have me…but I know it isn't very plausible so I'll go back to the hotel until I can find a place to live and a job."

Jim kept his gaze pinned on her as she shifted uncomfortably, her hands twisting the material of nightgown she kept clutched in her hands. "Did I ever say that you wouldn't be welcome to come home?" he asked.

"No, but I'll understand if that's what you decide," she replied as she turned her back on him and sat down on the edge of the bed. "You don't owe me anything…especially not with what I've done. It's unforgivable and I don't expect you to take me in when this is over."

"You're my wife, Johanna."

"That doesn't mean you owe me anything. My plans were presumptuous. I'd never hold it against you if you didn't want me to move home, Jim. I'll understand."

Jim moved around the bed and sat down beside her. "It feels like you've made up my mind for me without any input from me."

"I'm just trying to make it easier on both of us," she murmured. "I know you, despite what I've done you won't want to hurt me…but I can assure you that I don't think it's possible for me to hurt any more than I already do…and have for the past thirteen years. You don't need to worry and you deserve the right to send me away. You deserve better than me."

"Hey," he said gently as his hand covered her clenched fist. "What's this all about?"

"Nothing," she replied; her tone tight with emotion. "It's just the truth."

Jim shook his head. "It isn't. I never said that you couldn't come home, sweetheart."

A rebellious tear rolled down her cheek. "You never said I could either…and you asked me where I'd go when I leave here. I figure that means you don't want me there and it's okay, I understand. A part of me always knew it could turn out that way. I'll find a place somewhere."

"Do you want to come home?"

"Of course I want to come home; it's all I've ever wanted but the choice isn't mine; it's yours, and I don't want you to feel obligated…if you don't want me, it's okay," Johanna cried as she died a little more inside. "It doesn't change anything about the way I feel about you. I'll still love you with all my heart; nothing can change that."

Jim gripped her clenched hands and then gently pried them away from the nightgown she was holding. He laid the garment aside and held her hands. "I thought we were doing okay, Jo. We're taking things slow and settling back in…I thought it was going well."

"It is," she sniffed.

"Then why are you trying to push me away?"

"I'm not."

"It kind of seems like it…you're giving me permission to walk away."

"It's only fair," she murmured.

"Is that what you want? Do you want me to walk away? You said you wanted to be with me…did you change your mind?"

"No; God no," Johanna said tearfully. "I want to be with you more than anything in this world. But I know the position I've put you in and I just wanted you to know that I'd understand if you decided that you didn't want to do this…that you don't want me back home as your wife."

Jim hooked a finger under her chin and turned her face toward his. "There hasn't been a single day of the last thirteen years when I haven't wanted you to come home. I know that you're feeling added pressure right now; that it isn't easy for you to be here at Katie's when the two of you are still at odds. It takes away some of our privacy too, but it'll be fine. We'll adjust and we'll continue to work things out and settle back into our relationship…and when this is over, you're going to come home with me."

She sniffled. "I don't want you to think that you can't change your mind."

His hand moved to cup her face, his thumb swiping away her tears. "There's no need to be thinking like that. I can't promise we won't have a few rough spots but I'm here, aren't I? I've been here the whole time."

"I know."

"I also know that you're still upset about the other day…about not finding anything in the boxes of your papers."

"I'm fine," she stated as she tried to pull herself together but it wasn't easy to shake of the dark thoughts keeping her company.

Jim didn't want to press too much; he wasn't quite sure what to make of her mood and he didn't want to risk upsetting her further. Instead he gave in and pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly. She held herself somewhat rigid for a moment until she was sure that he wasn't going to pull away. When he made no move to release her, she sank into his embrace. It was a feeling that was all too rare…but she understood, or at least she told herself that she did. He pulled back after a moment and brushed a kiss against her cheek before rising from the bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked; wondering if he felt the need for space from her now.

"I'm going to help you unpack," he stated as he returned to her suitcase and unzipped it.

"I just put everything back in the there as I did the laundry," she stated.

"Well we'll just take it back out."

She stayed quiet. Unpacking would mean that she was accepting the fact that she was staying for an unspecified amount of time. A prolonged stay meant being Katie's burden. It meant being a thorn in her daughter's side. She didn't even want to talk to her on the phone unless she absolutely had to, and thanks to this arrangement, she did have to speak to her about a minute per phone call…and given how much she knew Kate didn't like that, she could just imagine how much she hated having her in her apartment. She didn't blame her. Kate had every right to hate her…but she didn't want to add reasons to the list. She hadn't ever thought that things would come to this.

"Where are the hangers?" Jim asked as he looked in the closet.

"There aren't any," she answered. "And it doesn't matter; we really don't need to do this."

"Yes, we do," he replied. "I know you, you like to be organized. Living out of suitcases can't be making things any easier on you. I'll call Katie and see if she has any extra hangers."

"Don't bother her at work, Jim."

"She won't mind. It's just a quick question."

Johanna debated leaving the room as Jim took his phone from his pocket and hit the speed dial for Kate's number but she remained rooted in spot. She told herself that she wouldn't listen to her husband's side of the conversation but his voice kept her from losing herself in her thoughts.

"Nothing's wrong," she heard him assure. "I just wanted to know if you have any extra hangers."

Despite her best intentions, Johanna's ears strained to hear Kate's response but she couldn't make it out. Jim's answer, however, allowed her to fill in the blanks.

"So your mother can hang up her clothes."

She tried not to squirm as Jim listened to whatever it was that Kate was saying. She felt badly about putting Kate in this position of having to have her in her home. She felt even worse that they hadn't found any answers in the papers from her office. She hated herself for not being able to provide a solution. If things hadn't happened so quickly back then, maybe she would've thought of writing down every fine detail and hiding it somewhere…but there hadn't been time; her mind and heart had been thrown into turmoil. She closed her eyes feeling the steel band around her heart squeeze tightly; did she ever do anything right?

"She's fine," she heard Jim say; the words breaking through her thoughts. "Do you want to talk to her?"

Johanna assumed the answer was no as Jim didn't move away from the closet to hand her the phone. She wasn't surprised; of course Katie didn't want to talk to her. They hadn't been speaking much since the day they went through the papers, not that they had been speaking a lot before that. Katie was being kept busy at work with another case and when she came home, Johanna did her best to let her be. She'd already pushed too much. She'd let her down too much. Silence was still filling her ears and she looked over her shoulder to see if Jim had ended his call without her noticing but the device was still to his ear and he was listening to whatever was being said on the other end of the line.

If her daughter was talking this long, what she had to say couldn't be good. Her stomach knotted and she looked longingly at the pillows on the bed, wishing she could just curl up and go to sleep and forget all the problems they had for the moment. Apparently the thought was all that was needed to jolt her body into action and she found herself curling up on the bed and snuggling into the pillow, her eyes closing as Jim said something quietly into the phone.

"Hey," she heard a second later as a hand shook her hip. "It's not nap time, get up," her husband told her.

She sighed and listened as she heard Katie's voice on the phone. "Let her sleep if she's tired, Dad. She was up early."

"She's not tired," Jim stated. "She just wants to procrastinate about this."

Johanna couldn't make out Kate's next statement as her husband shook her once more. She waved him away but he only caught her hand and tugged it, forcing her to set up as he and Katie said their goodbyes.

"Come on, Jo," her husband said. "I know you're a little down but you'll feel better if you get settled."

"I don't know about that."

Jim headed for the door of the room and she worried that maybe her reluctance had gone too far and that he was leaving. "Where are you going?" she asked; a slight tremor in her voice.

"To get the hangers," he answered. "Katie said there should be some hanging in the back of the hall closet."

Relief filled her and yet she remained sitting on the edge of the bed as she listened to the sound of him rummaging in the hall closet. He returned a few moments later and she caught his eye. "There was a lot of silence on your end of the phone call," she commented.

"I was listening," he replied.

"She must've had a lot to say about hangers."

Jim was silent for a moment; unsure of what to say. He'd been listening as Katie finally told him that her mother had seemed off ever since they went through the papers. Her tone hinted that maybe she was starting to worry about the shift in her mother's behavior. He was a little worried himself but he was hoping he could pull her out of this spiral she seemed to be in. "She was just saying that you've been quiet the last few days; she was asking if you were okay."

"I'm fine," she murmured. "I thought she might appreciate some quiet."

"I think maybe it unnerves her a little," Jim said as he put one of her blouses on a hanger and then picked up another to do the same.

"Does she think I'm being quiet so I can plot some kind of evilness?" she tried to jest but her tone sounded flat even to her own ears.

"No; but she wants me to plot some kind of evilness that will make you better," Jim teased as he picked up the few shirts he had put on hangers and hung them in the closet.

"What do you have in mind?" she asked.

"I'm not exactly sure yet; there's so many possibilities to consider. I'm pondering it as I unpack your stuff…while you sit there being lazy instead of grabbing a bag."

"It wasn't my idea," she quipped.

"Do it anyway," Jim said as he picked up her black leather overnight bag and pushed it across the bed to her.

Seeing that she wasn't going to get of it, Johanna unzipped the bag and began to pull out her pairs of jeans and leggings. She carried them to the dresser and put them in a drawer and then turned back to her bag and pulled out a few more items as Jim continued to hang things in the closet. He watched her from the corner of his eye, seeing her longingly eyeing the bed. In the past she had of course had days when she had wanted to stay in bed but this seemed different. He wasn't out of touch with reality; he knew the signs of depression and his worry grew every time his wife seemed to be exhibiting one of them. He wasn't sure how to handle it; if he should bring it up or just try to pull her out of it.

For the moment he decided on the latter. Maybe he could just bring her back out of it if he just kept making the effort. He didn't really want to risk upsetting her at the moment, and a head on confrontation would probably do that. Jim finished cleaning out her suitcase, searching for something to say as he watched her place a small wooden jewelry box on top of the dresser along with her makeup bag and then her laptop. He put her empty suitcase in the closet and picked up the next bag and opened it. He smiled as he looked at the contents, this bag would afford him the opportunity for teasing…teasing that would remind her of better days.

"Well it looks like I picked the right bag," Jim announced with a grin.

Johanna glanced at him and saw that he now had the suitcase she had her lingerie and nightgowns in. "I can take care of that one," she replied.

"No way," he laughed. "Finder's keepers."

"Jim," she said, a hint of a smile on her lips.

"I see you're still fond of lace," he said appreciatively. "And nylon…and…"

"I know the materials," she said as she cut him off. "I saw no reason to change…I already had to change enough."

There was a hint of melancholy with that statement and he hoped to head it off. "I bet you look pretty in these," he said, picking up a pair of lacy mint green panties. "You've always looked good in green."

Johanna snatched them from his hand. "I just folded these this morning," she chastened as she refolded them and opened the top drawer to put them inside.

He picked up another pair, enjoying the light blush that was staining her cheeks. "You've always looked good in pink too."

She grabbed them from his hand and he picked up the small stack he had started on. "And, blue, white, tan, red…"

Johanna wrestled the garments out his hand. "Quit unfolding all of them, I just put all of this away this morning."

"You should've waited; I would've helped you do the laundry," he quipped.

She scoffed. "We tried that before…I get done faster when you don't."

"That's funny," Jim replied with a laugh. "I believe you've said the same thing about showering."

Her lips curved upwards in a smile…one that wasn't forced; the one he recognized as being part sassy and part amused…and thoroughly being her. "It's true about both," she replied.

"It may be true, but it's less fun too," he grinned as he watched her start organizing the drawer.

Johanna nodded. "Yeah, I know…I can't even really remember the last time I had fun."

The thought struck him in the heart. She'd been leading a miserable existence and it didn't look like she'd be freed from it anytime soon but he'd do his best to make it easier on her. "We'll have to work on that," he told her as he made a show of looking through the next stack of lingerie. "Polka dots," he stated; pulling out a pair of cream colored panties that had black polka dots on them. "You've always looked adorable in polka dots, sweetheart."

She smirked at him but he could see the fondness and amusement in her eyes as she snatched them from his hand. "You think so?" she asked.

He grinned as he gave her a nod. "Yeah; I remember when you had that pink set with the black polka dots."

Johanna's brow rose. "You remember a bra and a pair of underwear I had in the seventies?"

Jim smiled. "Fond memories, sweetheart. Apparently you remember too."

A lazy smile spread across her lips, her eyes fluttering shut as the memory swept across her mind. She'd been running late one evening and they had a date. Jim had let himself into her apartment and walked in on her while she was still stripped down to her bra and panties debating what to wear. He teased her about her polka dots…and then tempted and tormented, cajoling her to break the rules of date night…and it hadn't taken long for them to end up in her bed. They never did go out that night, she recalled. They ordered take out sometime before midnight…they lit candles and opened a bottle of wine; turned on the record player and threw the comforter and pillows on the bedroom floor and ate picnic style.

Her heart quickened; she could still smell those strawberry candles…she could hear their soft laughter and the pops and clicks of the record that had been playing. She could remember the way he pushed her hair back from her face, the taste of his kiss, the feel of his hands as he divested her of those polka dotted garments once more, his voice teasing her, telling her they'd stay on the floor for the rest of the night now. She ached clear down to her soul. What she wouldn't give to go back to that place and time and have that night all over again, to be locked away in their own magical little world. Her throat tightened; would it ever be like that again?

Johanna felt Jim's fingertips grazing against her chin and then the soft pressure of his lips brushing across hers. It wasn't the kiss she kept longing for but her eyes flicked open, silently begging him for another. He seemed to understand as he touched her lips once more, lingering for a moment to allow her to return the gesture.

She wished she was brave enough to break the restraint of their chaste kiss; that she could capture his lips more fully, kiss him long and slow, pouring every ounce of passion and tenderness she had into it…allowing one kiss to morph into a dozen more. But she couldn't and she had to force herself not to whimper as the pressure of his lips against hers lifted away.

Her eyes opened; her gaze meeting his. She didn't speak, waiting to follow his lead as she ached to bury herself in his arms…but she didn't dare. She only took what he offered, fearful of pushing her luck, although she was desperate to break their unspoken rules. Their silence lingered, their eyes locked upon one another. Johanna waited, her heart throbbing as she willed him to give her something…what she wasn't quite sure, and when Jim merely offered her a hesitant smile and then turned back to her suitcase, she knew that whatever it was she had wanted she wasn't going to get. Her heart cracked open a little and she knew she needed to flee.

Johanna turned away and hurried for the door. "Where are you going?" Jim asked.

"I'll be back," she replied, her voice quivering slightly. She took refuge in the bathroom, locking the door before she slid to the floor and muffled the cries that seemed to explode from deep within her.

---

Jim heard the bathroom door shut and the lock click into place. He closed his eyes for a moment, he was doing the best he could and he knew that she understood and accepted that…but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt her. Johanna had always been an affectionate person and he could easily tell how starved she was for more. She didn't ask though…at least not often…and rarely out loud. She seemed to wait for him to call the shots with affection and he had to admit that he was grateful for that at the moment. He didn't feel right about giving into the urge for more too soon. But it was also sometimes hard to maintain that stance. It was difficult to walk the line of being cautious without hurting her…and yet he knew he was…that every time he let an opportunity pass by he was in essence rejecting her and her love.

She always tried to hide it from him; always conjured up a small smile every time he shunned an opportunity for a longer embrace, a more meaningful kiss. She always gave a look of understanding as he watched her heart crumble further in the depths of her eyes. He hated himself for holding back just as much as she hated herself for having to leave them. He hated even more that he'd be expected to pretend that he wasn't hearing some of the cries she couldn't quite muffle enough.

Jim sighed and scooped up more of her lingerie from the suitcase and carried it to the drawer she had left open. He'd give her a little longer and then he'd go knock on the door.

---

Johanna took one last shuddering breath and then pushed herself off the floor. She went to the sink and turned on the cold water and washed her face, chastening herself for running out on him like that. She had to do better. She didn't have any right to ask for more than he wanted to give. She needed to hide her raw feelings better…she needed to do better period. Just because she had sunk into a bout of depression didn't mean she had to take him down with her. Every so often she heard his words about spending five years in a bottle over her echo through her mind. She didn't ever want to be the cause of that again and she'd hate herself every day of her life for being the cause of it once.

She just had to try harder. She had to save her emotions for at night, when Jim had gone home and Katie was asleep…when she was alone in the guest room. She splashed her face a few more times and then patted it dry with her towel. She left the bathroom and went to the kitchen and grabbed a cold soda to soothe her parched throat. She took a long drink after popping the tab and then carried it with her back to the bedroom, prepared to face her husband once again.

Johanna re-entered the room and sat her soda on the dresser before moving around Jim to reach the suitcase, taking care not to touch him as she passed him.

"You okay?" he asked quietly.

"Of course," she answered; proud that her tone didn't waver or betray her.

"Jo…," he started to say but she cut him off as she picked up more of her clothing and moved to the drawer.

"What are you doing here?" she asked as she looked at the piles he had been creating in her absence.

"I'm separating things like you always do," he replied; trying to ignore the fact that she had given him the brush off as he had tried to attempt a deeper conversation…but then he couldn't help but think that if he expected her to live by his rules, he should allow her to have one of her own, and that meant he was supposed to pretend like he didn't know that he had hurt her.

Her brow rose. "Separating?"

"Yeah; you know; you always had your every day pile, your special occasion pile, your date night pile."

"But you don't know which goes in which pile."

"I'm placing them based on my own specifications," he replied.

"I see," she replied as she started rearranging things. "So really in your mind every pile is a special occasion pile."

"Pretty much…but if you want to tell me which is which, I won't object."

"They're all pretty much every day now…I haven't had any special occasion or date night piles for a very long time."

Jim picked up a pair of black lacy panties. "I don't know, these look pretty special occasion to me."

She grabbed them. "I'll keep that in mind."

"You do that," he murmured. "Keep these in mind too," he said pointing to the polka dots.

"Those are definitely every day."

"Every day can be just as special," he quipped.

"You only wanted to help me do this so you could look at my underwear," she replied.

Jim smiled at her. "It's my job as your husband to make sure you have everything you need…and if something's missing, then I must provide it for you."

"And is anything missing?" she couldn't help asking as she went back to the suitcase and cleaned out the rest of her lingerie and carried it to the dresser.

He studied the items that she quickly sorted into piles in the drawer. "It looks like all of your usual colors are accounted for," he remarked; "Except purple…you always have purple, sometimes a few shades of it…where's the purple?"

Her gaze met his. "I'm wearing it."

His eyes scanned her figure as if he could see through her jeans and her plum colored v-neck top. "I guess you're covered then."

"What if I hadn't been?" she couldn't stop herself from asking.

"Then I guess I would've done my duty as your husband and went out and picked you out something nice in purple."

"You would've done that?"

He smiled. "It wouldn't be the first time."

"That was different," she murmured.

Jim shook his head. "No, it wouldn't be different at all."

Johanna highly doubted it and her gaze flicked to the drawer that was now filled. "Any other fond memories?" she asked softly.

His fingers brushed against the small of her back. "I have fond memories for every color of the rainbow where you're concerned," he murmured.

She swallowed the lump growing in her throat and turned back to the suitcase and grabbed her nightgowns. She opened another drawer and went to lay them inside. "I still like this one," he commented as he brushed his fingertips against the peach colored silk nightgown he'd seen her wear at the hotel.

A small smile touched her lips. "You do?"

"Mhmm; you've always looked pretty in silk…and that color has always suited you."

"Unlike yellow," she said lightly.

He laughed quietly. "You're the one who thinks you look bad in yellow."

"That's because I do look bad in yellow."

Jim's knuckles brushed against her cheek. "I think you look beautiful in every color."

She gave him a small smile and then turned away from him. She picked up her soda and took a sip and then sat it back down on the dresser.

"Jo," Jim said gently as she moved past him to grab another piece of luggage.

"I guess we may as well get this finished," she stated; pushing the empty suitcase aside so that she could place the next bag on the bed.

Clearly she didn't want to hear what he had to say, Jim thought to himself. She was probably expecting the worst despite their earlier conversation. He watched her pull more clothes from the bag, knowing that she was doing her best to stay occupied. "You brought a lot with you," he commented without really meaning to.

Johanna nodded. "I wanted to have enough to last me until I could buy new clothes."

"Buy new clothes?"

Her gaze flicked to his as she picked up a hanger. "I left clothes in Wyoming. I don't intend to go back for them. I'll replace my wardrobe."

He rubbed his hand against the back of his neck. "You're just going to leave everything behind?"

"That's pretty much the plan. I can transfer my money online or over the phone; there's no need to do it in person. Once my feet touched the ground in New York there was no plan to go back."

"That's getting to be a disturbing habit," Jim said aloud without thought. He wished he could pull the words back into his mouth as her gaze jerked toward him. She looked like she had been slapped; a sheen of tears in her eyes before she blinked rapidly and dropped her gaze.

"I didn't mean it, Johanna," he hurried to say.

She shook her head even as tears continued to fill her eyes. "No, it's fine," she said as casually as possible but her voice cracked and wavered. "I guess it does seem that way."

Jim watched as she wrapped her arms around her midsection as if she was holding herself…trying to comfort herself since no one else took the job too often. He could see her throat constricting as she swallowed, forcing herself not to cry and maybe even swallowing her words as well. "I'm sorry," he murmured.

"No need to be sorry," Johanna replied, forcing lightness into her tone and a smile so fake on her lips that he had to look away because he couldn't bear to see it. Nothing was ever okay when she smiled like that.

"I can finish this up on my own," she went on. "You could go watch TV."

"I don't want to watch TV right now."

"You can go if you have things to do," she stated as she returned to her task of putting her clothes away. "I don't need a babysitter every minute of the day while Katie's at work. There's a unit watching the building. I'll be fine."

"That sounds like you're trying to push me out the door."

She shrugged. "I'm not naïve; I know you have things to do, errands to run; you have family and friends; work since you're only actually semi-retired."

Jim eyed her. "I don't have any work to do today. I don't have any errands to run. As for family and friends, I told you before that you're both. If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be; so just stop acting otherwise," he said somewhat tartly.

"I'm sorry," she murmured.

"What's gotten into you, Johanna?" he demanded to know.

"Nothing," she answered; at least nothing she wasn't used to. Depression was a constant companion in Wyoming; she had hoped it wouldn't plague her as badly now that she was back in New York and with Jim and Katie…but recent events had sent her spiraling and she hadn't been able to stop herself.

"It seems like something and you need to either tell me what it is or snap out of it," her husband said in frustration.

She'd been trying to snap out of it but then his words had slapped her across her face and knocked her back down in that hole she'd been trying to climb out of. It was her fault though; she just had to do better. "I'll be better tomorrow," she said softly. "I promise."

His frustration deflated somewhat. "I really didn't mean it, Jo."

"I know," Johanna replied; figuring it would be easier. After all, they both knew that he had meant it whether he meant to say it or not.

"I just meant people would wonder what happened to Meagan."

Something small snapped inside of her. "Meagan's dead," she said tartly as her eyes met his. "She's dead and she's never coming back."

His brow rose; so her fire was still in there somewhere. "Jo; I…"

"She's always been dead," Johanna went on, her hands shaking as she gripped a black blazer. "They pulled that name off a death certificate; you know; that's why it's spelled the way it is instead of the more proper spelling of Megan…that's what they do though. They take the name of a baby or child who died and slap new social security numbers on that identity and give it to you. Then you get to sit and think about how you have a dead person's name…while the government's burying your real name in an empty grave while your family mourns over it. You get to think about that every night…every time you have to answer to that damn name. So it doesn't matter where Meagan is, because she's dead, she always has been and she always will be…because I'm not her. I never wanted to be her."

"I know," Jim said gently. "I know it wasn't what you wanted; I didn't mean to make it seem otherwise."

She knew that; just like she knew that one day she would have to return to Wyoming to tie up the loose ends of the life she was forced to carry; but she liked to tell herself that she wouldn't have to. It eased some of her anxiety to keep reminding herself that she never had to go back. She didn't know why she went off on a tirade like that and she felt like she was about to crumble again as she allowed the blazer to slip from her hands. She headed toward the door, but Jim moved quickly and blocked her.

"Not this time," he told her quietly as he pulled her into his arms. She held herself stiffly, her arms only going around him out of reflex. He held her tighter, waiting on her body to relax against him so he could offer her the comfort she needed. He ran his hand over her hair; waiting to hear her cry but she was holding it in and he didn't want her doing that. He didn't want her hiding her feelings from him. "Let it out," he murmured.

Johanna squeezed her eyes shut and tried to keep from digging her nails into him to keep him clutched to her. His hand was still moving over her hair, lulling her into relaxing slightly. "Come on, baby," he whispered; "Just let it out, it's okay; you'll feel better."

'Baby,' she thought to herself. He only ever called her baby when he had crossed some line and he was desperate to get back to where he had been. She usually always called him on it, knew a part of him probably expected her to now…but she didn't; instead she allowed her heart to overrule her brain and her self control and she sank further into his embrace, quiet tears rolling down her cheeks as she sniffled.

"That's it," he told her. "It's okay; everything's going to be okay, I promise. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I didn't mean to upset you or hurt you. You know how I am sometimes; I say something stupid without realizing it until it's too late. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," she cried softly. "It's mine; it's all mine."

"No, it's someone else's fault that this happened to us…and he's going to pay for it. I swear I only had good intentions today, Jo…I was just hoping to help you settle in a little more and maybe make you feel more comfortable."

"I know."

"And now I've made a mess of things."

Johanna shook her head. "It's okay."

He pulled back slightly but kept her in the circle of his embrace. "I'm going to make it up to you."

"You don't have to do that."

"Yes, I do," he stated as he wiped the tears off her cheeks before glancing at his watch. "Let's leave the rest of this until later in the afternoon. You can take a little break and relax and I'll run out and get us some lunch."

"You don't have to do that, Jim."

"I want to," he told her sincerely. "I think we deserve a little pick me up, don't you?"

She nodded; he wanted to make up to her, she couldn't deny him that. "What are you going to get?" she asked.

"It's a surprise. Do you need anything while I'm out? I'll pick up whatever you need."

Johanna thought about it for a moment and then recalled something she had meant to ask him to get her. "Yeah; can you get me a new case for my phone? Mine is white and so is Katie's and I'm afraid they're going to end up getting mixed up and we don't need that kind of problem."

Jim smiled. "I can do that; what color do you want?"

"It doesn't matter, whatever you can get will be fine…no yellow."

He laughed quietly; feeling like the comment signaled a return to those moments of lightness that had broken through the clouds at times. "Alright, sweetheart; no yellow, I promise. Do you need anything else?"

"Not that I know of for now."

"Okay," he said; his hands sliding down her arms. "You come lock the door behind me and I'll go get your phone case and lunch. I won't be long, I promise."

"I'll be here," she stated; her gaze locked upon his as if she was trying to drive home a subtle point.

"I know," he replied before brushing a kiss against her cheek. "We'll make the afternoon better than the morning has been, okay?"

"Okay," Johanna agreed, a small smile touching her lips. She'd do her best for him.

Once Jim had left to run his errands and she had locked the door, Johanna returned to the bedroom to finish her unpacking. While she hung up her clothes and put away the few pairs of shoes she brought, she allowed herself to cry the way she needed to. Jim's comment about disturbing habits had sliced right through her. She didn't want her husband seeing her in that light; she didn't want him thinking that she was a habitual runner who had no regard for anyone but herself. It wasn't like that. She hadn't left New York by choice; Wyoming she had. There was a difference; but maybe it didn't matter to him, just like it didn't matter to Kate.

She sat down on the edge of the bed and allowed her head to fall into her hands. She was still wondering what all Katie had said to Jim during those long silences; it had to be more than he had mentioned but she figured it was none of her business even if it had been about her. She imagined it was probably a list of complaints although she was doing her best to stay out of her way as much as possible. She hadn't been pushing things; she'd been giving her as much space as she could while still being in the same apartment with her.

Johanna hated herself for being somewhat relieved that work had been keeping Katie busy; but she couldn't bear to see the look of disappointment on her face. She had failed at providing the answers she sought. She had failed as a mother. It was a heavy weight to carry, especially when there seemed to be no getting through to Katie; no way to apologize or explain. Her words were unwanted; her love and affection shunned. It wasn't a surprise, but still it wounded her. Things had been bad enough; but then when they found nothing in those papers…when they'd both been deprived of something they had needed…it had felt like another nail in the coffin of their relationship. She sighed deeply; even before she had pulled back in her efforts her daughter had seemed unreachable despite sharing her home.

Her husband was making the best effort but he was sometimes hesitant, shades of anger remaining although that didn't surprise her either. She had expected it…but that didn't mean it didn't hurt when he made certain comments or turned away from her. She knew he was somewhat confused about her mood; he wasn't used to dealing with this type of depression from her. He wanted her to snap out of it…she wanted to snap out of it too, but it wasn't that easy. She would try harder to hide it though, she owed him that. He might change his mind about her if he got the idea that she could so easily give in to those dark clouds all the time. She was sure she'd be able to fight it more once things settled down some…once she got used to invading her daughter's home…the fear about the future…the fear of screwing up and losing Jim and Kate. She was used to the depression; she knew it took time to work through it. She'd do her best to keep the worst of it from his eyes and ears.

The bed was calling to her again and Johanna shifted around and laid down, snuggling into the pillow. Maybe she could just sleep a little until Jim got back; he had a key, he could let himself in. She had closed her eyes and had just started to drift when her phone alerted her to a new message. "Damn it," she muttered as she grabbed it from the nightstand. The message was from Kate.

"Castle's going to stop by in a few minutes to check on things. I'm busy."

She smirked slightly at the phone. Her daughter's messages were always short and to the point…impersonal. She shook the thought away; her mood was making her see it as something it wasn't. She typed back 'okay' and hit send and then pushed herself out of the bed. She went to the bathroom and washed her face again, hoping the redness of her eyes would fade before Jim got back.

A knock sounded at the door and Johanna moved through the apartment toward it. "Who is it?" she called out.

"Your favorite author," Castle replied.

Johanna smiled a little. "I have several, can you narrow it down?"

There was a brief pause on his side of the door but then his voice sounded once again. "The only one that's written about one of your loved ones."

She released the locks and opened the door. "Why didn't you just say so?"

"Because you wouldn't be as amused," Castle replied as he stepped inside and she shut the door.

Johanna managed a small smile. "I appreciate your effort to give my life humor."

"Has everything been okay?" he asked as he crossed the room and sat down in the chair while she took her place on the sofa.

"Yeah; everything's fine. There haven't been any notes or anything."

"Good," he replied. "Where's Jim?"

"He went out to get us a few things. He'll be back soon."

Castle eyed her, she seemed somewhat subdued as he had heard Kate mentioning when she'd been on the phone with Jim. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Johanna nodded. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I could probably name a few reasons," he replied. "I'm sure one of them starts with a 'K'."

"How is Katie?"

"You live with her," he remarked; meaning the comment as a way of saying she should know.

"I know," she murmured. "I'm trying to cause her as little trouble and distress as I can…as laughable as that seems when you take everything into consideration. Is it too much on her? If it is, I'll go back to the hotel. I don't care what her Captain says; I'll call her and take full responsibility. I'll tell her I'll take my chances. I feel badly that Katie had to take me in…and I don't want to put more on her than she can handle."

"I didn't mean it that way, Johanna," Castle said. "I meant that you should know how she is because you live with her."

"We don't talk much."

"I know," he replied. "As for that little speech you just gave, Kate's made her peace with you being here. I know she bulked at first but she's fine. She'd be under more strain if you weren't here where she could keep an eye on you. She doesn't want someone else working this case and she wants you somewhere safe; that place is here. I strongly advise that you never utter the words about taking your chances at a hotel to anyone else. That would open a can of worms that you don't want."

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "I didn't mean to imply that I'm not grateful for her protection…even if there's a part of me that struggles with that role reversal."

"You didn't imply that at all; you implied that you'd get out of her hair if she wanted you to…and neither one of you need that."

"I won't ever say it again…to anyone. I shouldn't have said it to you."

Castle shook his head. "No; it's way better to say those things to me. Get them out of your system, forget about them, move on."

Johanna sighed; she really could've used that nap. She hoped there wouldn't be anymore bad dreams when she went to bed that night; apparently getting up at 3:30 in the morning didn't help her current state of affairs.

"Have you been crying?" Castle asked as he noticed the redness of her eyes.

"No, of course not."

"Your eyes say otherwise; they're red."

"I'm just tired; I didn't sleep well."

"That may be," he replied; "But I live with two women, I know the difference between red tired eyes and red eyes that have cried. Those eyes of yours are the 'I cried' red."

Johanna glanced away from him. "My mother would say that a real gentleman would pretend not to notice, especially when it comes to a lady he isn't well acquainted with."

"Hey, we're acquainted," Castle replied.

"I said 'well acquainted'," she reiterated.

"We're well acquainted."

"Are we?" she asked.

"Sure we are. You've read Nikki Heat, right?"

"Yes…I'm looking forward to the next one."

"Then you've probably been on my website looking for news of the next one at some point, right?"

Johanna nodded. "And while you were there, you probably read everything else on there, right?"

"Yes; but I know creative licensing when I see it."

"Touché," he quipped with a smile. "You've read and seen my interviews?"

"Yes; I've also read your Twitter page."

His brow rose in surprise. "You're on Twitter?"

"No, I don't have an account; I just read it…I was always looking for mentions of Katie."

Understanding dawned in his eyes. "I wish I had provided you with more mentions."

"That's alright; I appreciated the ones I saw."

He figured it was time to bring things back around to his point. "So you've read the Nikki Heat books, you've been on my social media sites, seen my interviews…we've met, we've spent time together, you've met my mother; you're totally acquainted with me."

"And you're acquainted with me?" she asked.

"Absolutely."

"I don't have a website, books and interviews…and my mother passed away nineteen years ago," she remarked.

"But I know Kate and she's told me about you in some ways…and like I said, we have spent time together here."

"Okay," she replied. "We're acquainted…but my mother's statement still stands."

He smiled. "It's been my experience that when a man ignores that a woman has been crying that it ends up coming back to bite him in the ass."

"That's only true for husbands," Johanna stated. "It doesn't apply to friends of the family."

"But still; I'd feel remiss if I didn't ask what has you upset today."

She shrugged as she spoke softly. "There seems to be a million reasons, feel free to pick one."

"Did you and Jim have words?"

Johanna shifted uncomfortably. "We didn't argue."

Castle took the hint that it was an area she felt uncomfortable confiding in him about. "Is it Kate?"

"Not particularly."

"You're worried?"

"Always."

He gave her a small smile. "I can't help you if you don't talk."

She laughed softly. "I'm afraid there isn't much help for me, Rick; but I appreciate the offer. I'm one of those lost causes."

He shook his head. "You're not a lost cause."

"I feel like it sometimes," she muttered.

"It'll work out," Castle remarked. "It's just going to take a little time and adjustment."

"I know."

His phone buzzed and he pulled it from his pocket to read the message. He wrote a quick reply and sent it and then returned the phone to his pocket. "Katie?" Johanna asked.

"How did you know?"

"Mother's intuition," she replied.

"She wanted to make sure that things were alright; I was supposed to text her when I got here."

Johanna nodded in response; words deserting her in the quest to hold up her end of the conversation.

"Do you have any messages you want me to pass on to her?" Castle asked.

"None she'd want to hear."

"Pick one out anyway."

Johanna toyed with the hem of her shirt. "I love her...and to be careful."

"I'll pass that along," he said as he rose from the chair. "Are you going to be alright until Jim gets back?"

"Yeah; I'll be fine."

"No more crying," he instructed.

"I'll do my best," she promised as she followed him to the door. "Take care of Katie."

"I promise," he assured as he looked her in the eye and offered her a smile.

They said goodbye and he waited outside the door until he heard the locks turn. He then moved up the hallway to the elevator and pressed the button.

The elevator doors opened and Castle's gaze met Jim's. "Rick," the older man stated as he stepped off the elevator. "Is something wrong?"

"No," he assured. "Kate's busy at the precinct; we picked up another case this morning. She asked me to come over and check on things."

Jim released a small breath of relief. "Everything was fine when I left."

"It still is," he answered, his eyes catching sight of the bouquet of pink and white roses he carried along with the bags of food. "Flowers?" he commented. "What did you do?"

"I said something stupid and insensitive," Jim confessed.

Castle smiled. "I thought you'd be beyond that stage of life by now, Jim."

He gave a quiet laugh. "Rick, we never lose that magical ability to say something stupid and insensitive."

Castle grimaced slightly. "Thank you for dashing my hopes for the future."

"You had to find out sometime," he replied. "How was my wife?"

"A little subdued. She seems a little out of sorts today but if you two had words, I'm sure that explains it."

"I had words," Jim stated. "She just pretended like they didn't hurt her feelings."

"Of course, it'll torture you more that way, that's what they do."

"If things weren't the way they are right now I'd agree with you…but I know her. She's pretending because she thinks she deserves things like that. Was she crying?"

"No…but her eyes were a little red like she had been at one point."

He nodded. "She worries me sometimes."

"Why?"

"She doesn't fight back," Jim said quietly. "She lets us say and do whatever we want to her. I could stand in there and call her a list of names and she'd take it. That's not like her…she always fought back…always had this fire raging inside of her."

"She's afraid," Castle replied. "She's afraid if she fights back you'll leave her…but I'm sure one day she'll get pushed enough and then…"

"And then I'll probably beg for mercy," he chuckled before turning serious again. "It's a day I dread but I also don't want her to be a pushover. I saw a small spark of that fire today…I know it's still in there, she's just burying it."

"It's probably something she's been doing for a long time now."

"I know…I just hope it's a habit she breaks soon."

Castle could see the worry in the other man's eyes just as easily as he could see the love for his wife in them. They were caught in some sort of odd limbo, putting their relationship back together in the midst of brewing chaos. It couldn't be easy…and he figured only two people who truly love each other would be able to weather that storm. They might have bumps along the way but he was sure Jim and Johanna would make it, or at least he was hoping they would. "I think she's just trying to figure out where she stands with everyone," he remarked. "She came home being optimistic…probably a method to keep the full force of nerves at bay; but then reality came and slapped her around. She's struggling."

Jim nodded. "I know she is…but I feel like it's more than just trying to find her footing."

"Like what?"

"Depression," he said quietly.

"Has she had a problem with that before?"

He shook his head. "Nothing out of the realm of normal ranges in relation to whatever circumstance was at hand."

"Maybe it's just the let down," Castle suggested. "Things haven't gone as planned…the person she was hiding from clearly knows she's alive…and then there's Kate and their living arrangements. Maybe she's just going through a period of adjustment."

"I hope so…I never could stand to see her being sad," Jim remarked with a sad smile of his own.

The writer nodded and offered a sympathetic smile of his own. "Then I guess you better give her a reason to smile."

"I'm working on it," he said as he held up the items he was carrying.

"Good luck," Castle told him.

"Thanks," Jim replied. "Can you do me a favor?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"Text Johanna and tell her I'm coming to the door."

Castle took his phone from his pocket and sent the message. "Done," he told the other man. "I hope you two enjoy your lunch."

Jim smiled. "I hope so too. Take care of my daughter, don't let her work too hard…it makes her cranky."

Castle laughed. "I'll do my best."

They said their goodbyes and Castle stepped onto the elevator as Jim headed up the hallway. He knocked on the door and waited, worrying slightly when it seemed to be taking Johanna longer to answer than he thought it should.

"Sorry," Johanna said as she opened the door. "I was throwing Katie's last load in the washer."

Jim smiled as he stepped inside. "That's alright; you're always worth waiting for."

"I don't know about that," she replied softly, a small smile stealing across her lips.

"I do," he stated, holding the bouquet of roses out to her.

Her eyes lit up as her hands reached for his offering. "What's this for?"

"Just because," he answered. "I saw them and thought of you…they reminded me of the ones I brought you for our first date."

Johanna's smile widened as she dipped her head to inhale the fragrance of her roses. She closed her eyes, allowing herself to take a moment of joy from the gesture. "They're beautiful; thank you."

"You're welcome," he replied, feeling as though he had made the right gesture as he untangled a bag from his hand and held it out to her. "I got you a vase; I wasn't sure if Katie would have one and I thought you might want to put those in your room."

She nodded as she took the bag. "I will do that but for now they can set on the table while we eat."

Jim followed her into the kitchen and sat the bags down on the table. "I got your phone case," he announced as he found the bag while she filled the vase with water and put her flowers in it.

"What color did you get?" Johanna asked as she sat the vase in a spot on the table that wouldn't obstruct their view of one another once they sat down.

He took it out of the bag and held it up for her to see. Johanna smiled as she looked at the glossy red case. "Red," she said warmly.

Jim nodded. "It's still your favorite, right?" he asked; his gaze flicking to the red nail polish that adorned her nails.

"Yes, I love it; thank you. How much was it? I'll give you back the money before you go tonight."

Jim looked at her as if she was crazy. "No, you won't."

"Why not?"

"Because you're my wife; I can afford to buy things for you."

"I wouldn't think otherwise," she replied. "But it was something I asked you to get; I intended to pay for it. I would've given you the money before you left but…my brain cells were temporarily scattered."

"They're still scattered if you think I'm going to take your money, Jo. You're my wife, if you need something I'll get it for you and there isn't going to be money changing hands. I don't want to hear another word about it."

She twisted her hands, her foot tapping nervously against the floor for a brief second but he had noticed it just the same. "I'm sorry," she told him. "I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't," Jim replied, softening his tone. "But you have reached your 'I'm sorry' quota for awhile."

Out of reflex the apology formed on her tongue, her lips parting to let them escape but Jim placed his fingers against her lips. "Don't," he said somewhat lightly.

Saying she was sorry was second nature now and it was hard to swallow the words, difficult to find a way to say them without actually uttering that phrase. She hated the way she felt; hated how she could so easily make things awkward without meaning to, how she could screw up in a matter of seconds and the worry that came with each mistake. She breathed deeply, that edge of suffocating bleakness reminding her that she was within its grasp despite her attempts at escape. Jim's fingers fell away from her lips and she could tell from the look on his face that he felt like he had sufficiently silenced the words he didn't want to hear.

Johanna wracked her brain for something to say; something her big mouth could say that wouldn't get her in trouble, that wouldn't alienate or annoy. She floundered, but then again she felt like she'd been floundering for a good long time…maybe that was why she lapsed into silence so often. It was the safest option, the one less likely to do more damage as she tried to repair the foundations of the relationships that mattered most to her. She turned away, seeking to keep herself busy getting drinks while Jim turned back to the table and began taking containers out of the bag. "What did you get?" she finally allowed herself to ask once she had prepared the drinks and carried them to the table.

"Your usual," Jim answered. "Chicken sandwich with lettuce and mayonnaise, no tomato; and an order of fries with a slice of chocolate cake for dessert."

She glanced at the containers he was opening, seeing that meal was indeed as he described; his own order of burgers, fries and a piece of cherry pie present and accounted for as well.

"And I got you these for later," her husband spoke, breaking her train of thought as he showed her the candy bars and Reese Cups he had brought her, along with her preferred People Magazine that was resting inside the bag as well.

She smiled. "Lunch reminds me of our first Valentine's Day…the one before we were together."

Jim nodded. "That and the hundreds of other lunches we had together."

"It was a surprise though on Valentine's Day…kind of like now. You brought me flowers and candy then too."

"I know," he said quietly as he held her gaze.

Her chin quivered slightly with emotion. "You remember," she murmured.

A small smile touched his lips as he moved closer to her. "I told you, I remember everything about you, about us…I remember everything you like and don't like, I remember who you are here," he said, gently tapping a finger against her temple before allowing it to trail downwards along the curve of her face, his fingertips brushing along the slope of her neck, her breath catching as he didn't lift them away as they glided over her collar bone, his hand pausing as it came to rest against her heart.

"And I remember who you are here," Jim said softly, his fingers brushing the smooth skin that her V-neck top left bare as his hand rested against her heartbeat.

Johanna raised her hand slowly, fearful she'd startle him and that he'd pull away but he remained in place, allowing her trembling fingers to caress his face for a moment before she laid her hand over his, her eyes closing as the words slipped from her lips without permission or intent. "I love you," she whispered.

He tensed slightly as she squeezed her eyes shut tighter, his hand slipping from beneath hers, leaving her feeling bereft, her skin branded from his touch. She'd done it again; said words he didn't want to hear, spoke without thinking first, allowing her heart to overrule her head and the silent boundaries she knew he had given her when he agreed to let her back into his life. The silence was deafening and she forced herself to focus on the hum of the refrigerator instead of the lack of words coming from her husband. She hated herself…hated herself in more ways than should be humanly possible.

'Don't cry,' she told herself. 'Don't cry…you can cry later after he's gone home, but don't you dare do it now. You don't have any right to ask or want more, you did this; this is what you deserve, it's your punishment, deal with it.' Self imposed sternness and force of will dried the tears stinging her eyes and she moved to the table and sat down, her back to him, grabbing her glass of ice cold Coke and taking a long swallow to rid her throat of the tightness it felt.

Jim remained standing, watching the play of emotions across her face, watching as the inner turmoil and anguish was swept away, a mask of calm acceptance slipping into place, giving her face the forced look of someone trying hard to act like it didn't hurt not to hear 'I love you' in return. He did love her…he just didn't feel like he could say it at this point. He didn't want to hurt her but he just wasn't ready to break down all the barriers just yet. He felt like maybe he should try to explain but his wife spoke just as he opened his mouth to speak. "Sit down, the food is getting cold."

Jim moved around the table and sat down across from her, wondering if maybe the food wasn't the only thing getting cold. Maybe he was somewhat cold himself, withholding words and more adequate shows of affection that he could see she desperately craved. He opened his mouth, trying to let the words she wanted to hear come out but they wouldn't. Maybe he should try the explanation attempt again.

He was about to speak when Johanna met his gaze. "How's work?" she asked, her tone composed and natural, no trace of anguish visible.

"Work?" he repeated; his thoughts still partly scattered, the rest marveling at how she still could sense the right moment to speak to keep from hearing something she didn't want to hear.

"Didn't you have a meeting last night?"

Jim nodded; that was right, he did have a meeting the night before; that was why he hadn't shared dinner with her and Katie. The rollercoaster she seemed to be on in regard to her mood seemed to have thrown off his mind a little. "Yeah, I had a meeting with Craig. It went fine."

"He's a friend?" she inquired; trying to keep up with the friends he had mentioned that she didn't know.

"Yes."

"Are you going to be working on his case?"

"Yeah, but I'll still be here. What he needs done can mostly be done at home. I'm just reviewing documents and making notes; no interviews this time. If it had required more work I wouldn't have done it this time."

"You don't have to turn down jobs you want because of me," she replied. "I'll be fine."

"I want to be here," he said, feeling like she was trying to push him away again in some method to protect herself from whatever feelings she thought he might be harboring against her. "I want to be here with you."

Johanna said no more on the topic as she took a bite of her sandwich, searching for something else to talk about that would be harmless to their fragile relationship. "Have you been to any ballgames yet this season?"

"Opening day," her husband answered.

"Did you go with your brothers?"

"I went with Andrew and Jeff."

She smiled. "Did you have a good time or did the three of you find some trouble to get into?" she gently teased.

He gave a quiet laugh. "We had a good time."

Jim filled her in on the ballgame and mentioned people he had run into lately that she had known as well. The conversation relaxed and settled back into calmer waters, making him feel like things had shifted back to that lighter place he had been hoping to achieve earlier. Johanna snatched a French fry from his plate once hers were gone and he smiled in response as he realized that the habit was still second nature to her; her relaxed features telling him that she had done it out of a recalled reflex with no thought about it. He picked up his remaining fries and placed them on her plate. She glanced up at him, a slight hint of worry in her eyes as it dawned on her what she had done.

"I should've gotten extra fries so you could have some later for a snack," he replied, putting her at ease once more.

"And have Katie throw it in my face that I added a fast food container to her fridge after that big to-do we had? No thank you," she said lightly.

He laughed and sunk his plastic fork into her cake as he had always done, helping himself to a bite. "I don't blame you for declining in that case."

She smiled, the conversation remaining light as they finished their meal. Jim scooped up the last bite of his cherry pie and held it out to her, not wanting her to control the impulse to take it as she always had in the past. She accepted it without hesitation, her eyes closing as she savored it. "That's good," she remarked. "Not as good as Grandma Lilly's but close enough."

"She was so happy to teach you how to make her pie," Jim said as he recalled his grandmother.

"I was happy that she was so willing to teach me how to make it since it's your favorite."

He reached out and covered her hand with his. "You're the only one who can make it exactly the way she did…I'm looking forward to when you make it again."

Johanna held his gaze. "I'll make it soon; I promise."

"It'll be worth the wait," he replied, hoping she'd read into the statement.

She gave him a slight nod and a smile. "Thank you for lunch; it was a nice treat."

"We'll have to make it a habit…just like always."

"I'd like that," Johanna murmured.

Jim squeezed her hand, holding her gaze. "It'll be okay."

Johanna managed another smile for him; she hoped he was right.

---

After lunch, Jim gave Johanna some space by retreating to the living room to watch tv. He listened as she moved around the kitchen, cleaning up from their meal and finishing Kate's laundry. He was slightly worried that she had taken that initiative given how unsteady things could be with Kate. He knew it was a gesture of gratitude on Johanna's part…and maybe even a small way of indulging the side of her that need to feel and function as a mother. He knew how badly she wanted to be Kate's mom again and how much his daughter was resisting. He hoped that when his daughter saw the three baskets of laundry that were being carted into her bedroom that she'd pause before flying off the handle and think about her mother's feelings. He didn't begrudge her her anger or hurt; he just wished that she'd talk to Johanna a little more and try to work through it. She still loved her; Jim knew that without a doubt; he could even detect the faintest of cracks in her armor against her mother not that she'd admit that they were there.

Jim's thoughts dissipated as his wife made another trek through the living room on her way back to the kitchen. She reappeared a moment later, her vase of roses in her hands, her nose buried in them, breathing in their scent as she carried them to the guest room. Maybe the roses would serve the bonus purpose of making her room seem more home like to her. He pondered his wife as he awaited her return and he was reminded of a moment from his childhood when he and his brothers had come upon a wounded fawn in the woods near the cabin. He could still remember that fawn's dark eyes, how fearful and full of pain they were…how skittish it was as his father tended to the wound on its leg. He saw pain and fear in Johanna's green eyes…could see how wounded she was deep inside. She too was skittish in some ways and it was hard for him to see her struggling so much. His Jo was always sassy, vivacious, fiery, passionate…she was a fighter; she didn't back down…she wasn't a doormat. He frowned; he was being unfair. Johanna's behavior could partly be blamed on the treatment she received from him and Katie…it could also be chalked up to the situation they were currently involved in…and then there was the fact that she had spent so many years alone living a lie. It had to have taken a toll, beaten her down and forced parts of her into hiding deep in her soul. There was no doubt that every part of her was still in there somewhere, Sassy peeked out once in awhile, as did a small spark of her fiery nature here and there…and she was still a fighter…fighting against the wrong that had been done, fighting to get back on track.

His wife returned to the living room, glancing around as if she was looking for something else to occupy herself with. "Why don't you sit down here with me for awhile, sweetheart," Jim stated. "I think you've done enough housework for the day."

Johanna gave him a nod and small smile as she sat down at the opposite end of the sofa. It didn't escape his notice that she seemed to be making sure that she didn't invade his personal space. He studied her face and saw the tiredness in Johanna's features. He recalled Katie saying that Johanna had been up since four and he felt a small twinge of guilt at accusing her of procrastination when she probably was tired. "Why were you up so early today, Jo?"

She wanted to brush it off and give the generic answer she had given to Kate but she didn't want to lie to him. "I had a bad dream," she confessed.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Anguish flicked across her face as the images flashed in her mind. "No."

He saw the distress at the thought of it and didn't hesitate to let it be. "Alright, you don't have to…I understand."

Johanna nodded, wishing she could slide towards his end of the sofa and curl up against him. She didn't attempt it though; he had given her a good bit that day, she shouldn't be greedy. She didn't want to give him details of her dream and yet she found herself murmuring about it. "It was bad…so very bad and scary."

Jim reached for her hand and held it tightly. "You should've called; I would've talked you through it."

"I wanted to," she admitted. The thought had crossed her mind after she had finished being sick. She had longed for him, wished to have his comfort and his arms to hold her. "But I didn't want to wake you over a little thing like that."

"I wouldn't have minded," he replied. "I don't want you to feel alone when you're scared and upset…you've had too much of that."

Johanna squeezed his hand in response to that statement and he continued on. "You call me the next time, okay? I don't care what time it is, you call me."

"Okay," she said softly; "But I hope there aren't anymore."

"So do I…but regardless, if you need me, you call."

Johanna nodded and rubbed her eye. The early morning, the stress and her emotions had left her exhausted. Jim released her hand and got up from the sofa. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"I'll be back," he answered.

Jim went to the guest room and grabbed her pillow from the bed. He had a feeling he could imagine what her dreams had entailed without her saying a word. He also had a feeling her bad dream could be responsible for some of her upset throughout the day. He carried the pillow back to the living room, going to her end of the sofa.

"What are you doing?" Johanna asked as he nudged her to move.

"I want you to lay down and get some sleep," he remarked as he positioned the pillow and then took hold of her arm, urging and guiding her to lay down.

"I don't want to fall asleep on you," she protested.

"I don't mind. I'll still be here when you wake up," Jim stated as he slipped a hand beneath her ankles and lifted them, settling back down at the opposite end of the sofa and depositing her feet in his lap.

"I probably shouldn't go to sleep this late," Johanna replied; her gaze flicking to the clock and seeing that it was almost two. She was also somewhat afraid that her bad dream would return now that she had spoken of it.

Jim sensed her hesitation. "I won't let you sleep too long," he assured. "And if it looks like your dreams are causing you distress, I'll wake you, I promise. You try and rest now, you'll feel better."

Johanna's eyes closed as she breathed deeply and exhaled slowly. It was nice to feel like she was being taken care of in a small way.

"Think happy thoughts," Jim murmured; remembering that had always been the advice she'd given Katie after a nightmare.

"Any in particular?" she asked.

He searched through his memory. "Think about the first time I took you up to the cabin."

She smiled. "To make up for our disastrous New Years Eve date?"

"Yes," he chuckled.

"That was a good night," she murmured. "You made dinner for me."

Jim nodded. "And we danced."

"I remember," she said softly.

"Good, you keep thinking about it," he said as his fingertips rubbed against her ankle.

"Do you still have the cabin?" Johanna asked.

"Yes, I'd never part with that. I'll take you up there when this is all settled. It'll be good for us to get away and not have any distractions."

"That would be nice," she whispered.

"It'll happen," he assured. "You sleep now…I'm here; I won't let anything hurt you."

The words soothed and relaxed her just as much as the feel of his fingers moving against her skin. She focused her mind on the memory he had recalled and within moments she was asleep.

Jim studied her as she slept, his fingers continuing to move against her ankle. He felt like her mood had lightened some but he knew there was still work to do; there would still be an air of depression hanging over her when she woke…and he had to keep breaking through it. He couldn't allow it to pull her under.

---

Kate got home that evening later than she would've liked given the circumstances of her mother being under her protection but she had caught sight of her father's car outside and felt better knowing that he hadn't left her alone, and really that shouldn't have surprised her; of course he'd wait until she was home before leaving. She had to admit that she was glad he was there; she hadn't been looking forward to the awkward tense air that would linger more noticeably if it was just her and her mother. She was tired as she made the trek into the building and she sighed deeply as the elevator rose to her floor.

Kate moved slowly down the hallway and let herself into her apartment, her eyes sweeping the room to make sure everything was as it should be. Things appeared to be in order, her parents each occupying an end of the sofa. She couldn't help but wonder when she'd come home and find them sitting closer together…and on the heels of that idea was the thought that maybe they separated when they knew she'd be coming home. If they did, she didn't understand why. Surely they didn't think that she'd get angry if they displayed affection or closeness to each other. They still loved each other and wanted to be together, she'd be foolish to think otherwise…and despite her earlier reactions at how easily her father had accepted her mother back into his life, she wouldn't begrudge them their second chance.

"How was your day, Katie?" Jim asked when it became apparent that neither woman was going to speak first. It shouldn't have surprised him, Johanna had grown quiet once more as soon as she had heard Kate's key scrape in the lock. His daughter's gaze had passed over her mother as if she was nothing more than a knickknack on the stand.

"Aggravating," Kate admitted. "We caught another case so I hope you're going to be around a lot. I'm going to have my hands full and I'll probably be late coming home for a few days."

"I'll be here," he assured.

"How were things here?" she asked as she dropped into the chair.

"Everything's been fine. Your mother's unpacked and settled in now."

Kate's gaze flicked to Johanna, their eyes meeting at the same moment. She could see a silent apology in her mother's eyes and she looked away. "She probably would've settled in sooner if she'd had clean clothes to put away," she remarked.

"That could be," Jim replied. "But the thought crossed my mind that maybe she was waiting on permission."

"I'd think it was obvious."

"Sometimes it's a matter of formality," her father stated.

"She never used to be so picky about such things."

"I'd say it's probably in light of the circumstances, Katie."

"Would you two quit talking about me like I'm not in the room?" Johanna stated tartly; a flicker of anger moving across her face. "It makes me feel like some kind of second rate freak in a carnival sideshow that you're viewing through the Plexiglas."

Husband and daughter shared a look; Kate's brow rising and her eyes asking a silent 'now what?'

Jim took his cue. "We were just waiting on you to jump in, dear; and by the way, you're too pretty for a sideshow."

"Yeah, you'd have to be more like a main attraction," Kate stated and then she cringed as she realized that probably wasn't quite the compliment she had meant it to be.

Her father grimaced as well as he glanced at her. "I…I uh…didn't mean it the way it sounded," she stammered.

"That's alright," Johanna replied. "I guess if I have to be in a freak show that it's better to be the star."

Kate rubbed her fingers across her forehead and felt it was time for a change of topic. "Did you finish your laundry?"

"Yes."

"Good; I don't want to feel like I'm depriving you of the necessities of life," she stated, cringing again at the slight hint of bite in the words.

"You haven't deprived me…you don't owe me anything, Katie," Johanna remarked quietly, her gaze flicking toward the television.

She sighed and glanced at her father. "I told you she was in a mood," she said quietly.

"She's just tired, Katie."

"When I called earlier you said she was sleeping."

"She was but only for an hour…she needs more."

"You're doing it again," Johanna remarked. "You're talking about me like I'm not here."

"Well we're used to it; it's a hard habit to break," Kate replied without thought.

"Katie," Jim said sharply.

She winced and then glanced to her mother who was making it a point not to look at her. "I'm sorry," she murmured. "I didn't mean to say that."

Johanna swallowed and gave a nod; forcing herself not to react to the sting as she rose from the sofa. "It's alright."

"Where are you going?" Jim asked.

"Kitchen," Johanna answered. "I have a plate in the oven keeping warm for Katie…I'm sure she's probably hungry by now."

An excuse for them to occupy different rooms, Kate thought to herself; and yet she couldn't blame her for it. She rose from the chair and went into the kitchen, pausing in the doorway as she watched her mother put the plate on the table along with some silverware. "Thank you," she told her quietly as she moved to take her seat.

"You're welcome."

Her mother retreated, leaving her alone with her thoughts and her dinner. She couldn't help thinking that she should've stayed at work.

---

Kate lingered in the kitchen as long as possible, listening to the voices of her parents as they talked quietly in the living room. She'd stuck her foot in her mouth this time, which brought along the brief thought that Castle must be rubbing off on her. She was sure that she'd probably made this strange mood of her mother's worse but eventually she gathered her courage and returned to the living room, grabbing the remote and switching on the episode of Temptation Lane that had been recorded that day. It felt like a proper peace offering although her mother didn't say anything about it.

Jim did his best to keep the conversation going as time passed slowly but neither woman seemed too inclined to chat much. Eventually he lapsed into silence, wondering if the distance between them could ever be closed. Johanna had been fighting so hard to get back in Katie's life and now he felt like he could see her pulling back, giving up a bit in her quest. He supposed he couldn't really blame her, Katie had gotten a double dose of stubbornness and could wear down the strongest of opponents when she wanted to. Besides, maybe a change of tactic was wise…but still he worried.

He turned his head to speak to his wife but saw that she had fallen asleep in the corner of the couch, her reading glasses still perched on her nose and her book open in her hand. He studied her, making sure her sleep seemed undisturbed. She seemed peaceful enough, most likely feeling secure now that both members of her family was home…but he couldn't let her sleep like that all night; she wouldn't be comfortable for long.

Jim glanced to his daughter, seeing the look of sleepiness on her face as well. "Katie," he said quietly.

She flinched, startled by his voice as she turned her head in his direction. "What?"

"Do me a favor and go get your mother's bed ready for her."

Her gaze flicked to Johanna and she saw that she was asleep. She gave her father a nod and rose from the chair. She moved into the guest room, feeling her way in the dark until she reached the lamp on the nightstand and clicked it on. She pulled back the covers and arranged the pillows, making the bed ready as she glanced around the room. She noticed that the suitcases were put away, except for one small one that was shoved into the corner of the room and was apparently being used as a clothes hamper as the clothes her mother had been wearing before she changed into her nightgown were lying it. She'd have to get her a clothes basket.

Kate noticed the vase of roses sitting on the dresser and she moved toward them, her fingertip skimming against a silky pink petal. Castle had told her that he had run into her father as he was leaving that afternoon and that he had been carrying a bouquet of flowers and bags of food. She smiled a little; it sounded like a date had taken place in her absence. She was about to move back to the living room when her father appeared in the doorway, carrying his wife in his arms. It was a scene she'd seen many times before; he'd never hesitated to scoop her mother up as if she weighed no more than a feather and carry her upstairs to bed if she fell asleep on the couch. She even remembered being given the same treatment through her childhood and teen years. If he could keep from waking them, he would…and she was surprised that kindness hadn't resulted in back problems.

Jim carried Johanna to her bed and laid her down gently, watching as his wife snuggled into her pillow. He smiled, his fingers reaching out and brushing back a lock of hair from her face and then skimming along the curve of her face. Impulse had him brushing his lips against hers in a feather light kiss, not caring that his daughter's eyes were upon him, watching every move he made. He pulled the covers over Johanna, making sure she was tucked in and that she wasn't going to stir. He then pulled her phone from his pocket and laid it on the nightstand and then reached into his other pocket and withdrew her glasses and laid them there as well.

"Bring her book in and put it on the nightstand when you go to bed, Katie," Jim whispered. "She might wake up in the middle of the night and want it."

She gave a nod. "Shouldn't you wake her and tell her you're going home?"

He shook his head as he clicked off the lamp. "She might sleep better if she doesn't know," he replied as he quietly moved in the direction of the door, his daughter following behind him.

"How do you figure?"

He shrugged as they made their way back to the living room. "She might think I'm still here and it'll make her feel safe and secure…it might make her think she's home," he murmured; while silently adding that his scent might linger on her clothes and skin, keeping the thought that he was there settled into her subconscious which might help keep her bad dreams at bay. "I know you're tired too, Katie; lock up and go to bed. I'll be back first thing in the morning, if you need me sooner, call."

"I will," she promised as he drew her into a hug.

"Don't forget to take her book in."

"I won't…but hopefully she'll sleep okay tonight."

"We can hope," he answered. "Goodnight, Katie."

"Goodnight, Dad," she said softly as she let him out and then locked the door.

Katie made sure everything was secure and then she picked up her mother's book from the coffee table and turned out the lights. She crept into the guest room and deposited the book on the nightstand and quietly slipped back out and made her way to her own room to get ready for bed. As she flipped on the lights, three clothes baskets of clean clothes sitting at the foot of the bed met her gaze. Her jaw tightened as she moved toward them, a few thoughts of how her mother hadn't any right to bother her things flicking through her mind. She noticed a folded sheet of paper lying on top of her jeans and she snatched it and opened it.

"Don't be angry," her mother had written. "It's just a thank you, no offense intended. And if I've overstepped yet again and you are angry, I'm sorry."

The ire that had been building inside her withered and died. She didn't want her mother to think she had to do her laundry…but clean clothes wasn't anything to get upset over. She hadn't done it with the intent to harm, just to thank her…for what she wasn't sure; she didn't feel she'd done anything that would be worthy of her mother's thanks. Kate blew out a breath, but the real question was how did she react to the gesture? Things were so unsteady between them that even comments made with the best of intentions came out all wrong. Maybe the best thing to do would be just to accept the gesture and say nothing…maybe that would keep things from getting worse…and yet it didn't seem quite right either.

She picked up the basket and sat it on the bed, taking her jeans and pants out of it and putting them away. She emptied the other two baskets as well and when she was finished, she set two of them aside to be moved back to the laundry room and carried the third to the guest room. She moved quietly into the dark room, being careful not wake her mother as she moved to the corner of the room and took the clothes out of the suitcase and put them in the basket. She left the basket in the corner and soundlessly placed the suitcase in the closet with the others. It wasn't much in the way of gestures…but it would have to do for now. They both had some sorting out to do, she thought, sighing as she made her way back to her bedroom. Kate hated sorting…she had a feeling her mother did as well; after all, they both seemed to have a knack for messing things up. A slight smirk curved her lips upward as she shook her head; like mother like daughter…maybe one day they'd figure themselves out and get it right.