Chapter FOUR -- Sex & Candy

My alarm went off at seven am. I had been asleep for a mere five hours, but between the heavy drinking and social activities from the night before, it felt like three. I puttered out of my bedroom and into the bath. My eyes were bloodshot and my mascara had smudged in the night. I shrugged and headed towards the kitchen.

I started the coffee, checked my messages and buttered my toast. I sat at the counter while the coffee percolated. I had just dozed off again when my cell phone rang.

It was my mother. "Where the hell are you?"

"Home," I grumbled into the phone. I poured a cup of coffee and carried it back upstairs. I collapsed on the bed, phone cradled between my neck and shoulder, slurping the coffee through a bendy straw. "Why?"

"Your Uncle Bernie's looking for you. Sent an owl with a message."

"What's the message?"

My mother sighed. "How the hell should I know? It's written in Morse Code."

I was flummoxed.

"Stephanie? What are you doing?"

"I'm here. I'll be over in an hour to pick up the message."

"What are you involved in? What has Uncle Bernie gotten you into?"

"Nothing, Ma. I'll be over in an hour."

I cradled the phone.

I last saw Uncle Bernie when I was eighteen. I had gone to France to visit and to experience my family's culture. I never expected that I would take my first life then.

It had been a dark and stormy night, and I was on my way home from the Louvre, where I worked as an art buyer, buying art and stuff. A couple years before, Joe and I had gotten together after years and years of waiting, and then he was off to the Navy. I thought he was dead, then, too, because he hadn't called. Little did I know he had just been working a top-secret mission for the government then, too.

Funny how life seems to come full-circle.

I was walking home, back to my apartment overtop my Uncle Bernie's office, when a man dressed in black came up behind me and dragged me into the alley between a McDonalds and the French equivalent to a Kwik-E-Mart. There was little light in the alley, yet the man was strong and hard against my struggling hands. I gripped his shoulders and started to push.

"Get off me, you asshole!"

--Que est-ce qu'un jeune bébé comme vous marche autour de cette période de nuit?

"Please, just let me go!"

--Je ne pense pas ainsi.

I began to sob heavily. Ever since Joe had left, I had felt alone and scared. Now I was struggling with a man in black, he was pushing me against a wall, ready to take my lasting innocence. I kept fighting against him. He cupped my ass and pulled me towards him, his intentions hard against my stomach.

He was kneading my ass when his head slumped against my shoulder. He began to murmur against my neck. All of a sudden, his body was jerked off me and he fell onto the hard pavement. A shadow stood apart from us. The shadow was my savior. I started to sob again, "Thank you, thank you."

The man in black arose from the ground quickly, as an animal, and began to stalk my shadow, approaching so swiftly I barely noticed. I saw the man lift an object and I started. No one would die tonight.

I tackled the man's side and reached for the object. The cool feel in my palm registered that I was trying to take possession of a gun. I quickly kneed the man in his balls and took the gun. As I began to raise it on the man, he fell into me. The lasting sound of an explosion would haunt my memories.

The man and I fell backwards. I scrambled to my feet and looked at the body lying in the alley. The shadow that had saved me. I approached and sucked in a breath.

"No, no, no." I began to repeat. "Rose! Auntie Rose!" Her chest was scarlet and soaked. Her eyes dead and rolled into the back of her head.

I dropped the gun and ran screaming to Uncle Bernie's office. It was late, but he would still be there. I beat on the door until he answered it.

"Christ, mignonne," Uncle Bernie said. "You're wet. Shivering. Come inside and warm by the fire."

I nodded and followed Bernie inside. I knew better than to irk him. He tossed his long silver beard over his shoulder and stoked the fire. Then he lit a lantern and secured it on the long hook dangling from the ceiling. The light cast over me, and I heard him say, "Whoa."

"You have to come with me," I told him. "It's Auntie Rose. I think she's--"

Bernie held his hand up and I fell silent. Mental head slap. I'd spoken out of turn… again. Uncle Bernie hated it when I spoke out of turn.

I fell to my knees and held my hands up in surrender. Uncle Bernie seemed pleased with this gesture.

"You're learning," he said as he removed his belt. "This is good. This is muy bien, indeed."

He gave me five lashes across my arms with the belt, and I bit down on my lip so I wouldn't cry. When he was done, Uncle Bernie hanged his belt on the hook next to the lantern and helped me to my feet.

He nodded at me. "You may speak now, mignonne."

"Uncle," I started, but in French. "I began to walk and found myself in a precarious situation. There was a man and he forced me to--"

I felt the whip before I could blink. I held back my tears, they were a sign of weakness.

"Your French is lousy. I can't understand a single word you say. It causes my ears discomfort. You are not to speak unless spoken to. Do you understand French any better than you speak it?"

"My Uncle, I am sorry for the trouble I know I cause you. I will be better, I will practice, please--"

Once again the whip lashed against me.

"You have killed family. This I know. You have committed a cardinal sin. You will have to pay, mignonne. Now get the shovel."

I went to the shed out back and did as I was told. My arms were bleeding, but I somehow managed to work through the pain. Uncle Bernie and I walked back to the alley between the McDonalds and the Kwik-E-Mart de Francais. Uncle Bernie was in front. He took one look at the alley and turned to me. His eyes were wild, like an animals. He grabbed the shovel and hit me hard across the face with it, knocking me into the brick wall.

"She's gone. They've taken her."

I wiped the blood off my face and looked around the alley. No Aunt Rose. She'd disappeared.

"You must take her place," Uncle Bernie said. He handed me the shovel and motioned for me to follow him back to his office. "You will quit your job at the Louvre and start training tomorrow. Only when I find a replacement for Rose will your indentureship be complete."

A week had passed since the night I had involuntarily shot Auntie Rose. After he had cracked my face open with a shovel, Uncle Bernie had very lovingly swathed my gash with peat moss and berries.

"You will learn, mignonne. I will fashion you to be stronger and disciplined. I am now your teacher."

I sat there scared for what may happen. I loved my Uncle Bernie. He was a neat guy, but his actions over the course of the last week had been a bit disturbing.

"We will be leaving for Nice in thirty minutes. Pack lightly. The walk is long."

I didn't speak. I simply nodded and began to retrieve my clothes. I rooted through my bags, choosing what would be appropriate -- three-inch silver stilettos? Or my dependable Keds?

I felt the whip lash against my neck as I slid the stilettos into my satchel.

"No, mignonne! No Fuck-Me-Pumps! This is not a vacation, this is a trial!"

I sobbed as I replaced my silver sex shoes with the dirty Keds and laced the satchel closed.

"Now we must leave," he said. I wiped a fallen tear from my face and watched as Uncle Bernie dropped his single lantern on the floor. The flame was immediate. "We must leave nothing behind, mignonne."

"Yes, Uncle Bernie. Nothing behind."

"And mignonne, you must refer to be as Red Parrot from now on. We are of no relation from this moment."

And so we left his office, and my apartment upstairs, and walked East in the direction of Nice. Red Parrot had saddled me up with our belongings piled high on my back. He hadn't been kidding when he'd said the walk would be long. It had taken us over two hours to arrive at our destination, high atop a mountain overlooking a frozen pond. I dropped our packs on the ground and leaned against a tall tree. Red Parrot looked at me and gave the tree a quick karate-chop. It split clean in half.

I stared at him, half expecting him to do the same to me. But his posture was calm, and his eyes didn't have that glimmer of insanity I'd grown accustomed to, so I figured I was safe.

"Did you see how I did that?" Red Parrot asked me. I nodded. "You will learn that today, and also build stairs to the top of this here mountain so my sciatic doesn't act up. But first I'm going to build a temple in the clearing to the north. Go to the lake and bathe while I do this."

"You think I need to be purified for what I've done," I said, more statement than question.

"Nah," Red Parrot said. "I just can't stand the smell."

It was very hard to bathe in a frozen pond. I sat naked on the frozen desolation, rubbing my body against the ice. When my fingers had turned blue, I trembled to the shore. A robe of bright green was lying on the stump of the fallen tree. I quickly donned the robe, thankful of the warmth.

"This robe signifies your identity." I was startled at Red Parrot's voice. He sat behind me, his body straight, his legs locked in lotus position. His ass hung a foot from the ground. "You are no longer Stephanie Plum. You are now lost in the ethos. You are reborn…as Chartreuse Mongoose!"

There was a crack of thunder and all the lights went out inside the temple, replaced with the blinding illumination of lightning. Red Parrot let out a burst of maniacal laughter, and my heart caught in my throat. What. The. Fuck?

Red Parrot's laughter died away, as did the thunder. The lights came back on inside the temple, and I was suddenly very glad I hadn't had anything to eat since we left. If bathing on a frozen pond was hard, imagine having to wash human waste out of a robe. Ew.

"There are four vows an apprentice must take upon entering their study," Red Parrot said. His voice was very, very serious. "These are vows of chastity, obedience, silence, and poverty. Do you agree to adhere to these sacred vows?"

I gulped audibly. Red Parrot rolled yes eyes and sighed.

"Fine," he said. "What about just poverty?"

I scrunched up my nose and thought for a moment. "This is only temporary, right? I mean, as soon as you find a replacement, or whatever--"

"When you have earned your keep, you will no longer be expected to live the life I have chosen for you as my charge."

"Okay," I said, offering my hand for a shake. "Deal."

Red Parrot looked down at my head, mumbled something under his breath, and reached into his robe. He pulled out a red velvet pouch, opened it, and pointed it in my direction.

"Choose carefully, Mongoose," he said. "Your destiny awaits."

I reached in and pulled out an animal cracker. Food. Thank God. I stuck it in my mouth straightaway.

Red Parrot grabbed my head with both his hands and forced my mouth open. I was kicking and screaming. He hit a pressure point on my neck and I fell dead still. I couldn't move anything. Couldn't even breathe. Red Parrot stuck two fingers in my mouth and retrieved the animal cracker with a grimace. Then he touched me just under my left breast, and I sucked in a mouthful of air.

"What the hell did you do that for?" I asked him. "You got a fucking bag of those things. You can't get your own goddamn animal cracker?"

Red Parrot threw me a look and I immediately fell silent. "This is not an animal cracker," he said. "This is your totem."

He held open his hand to show the animal cracker.

"You've touched it," I said. "I don't want it after you've touched it."

Red Parrot shook his head. "This means you are to follow the spiritual path of the Dingo," he said. "Now come, we have work to do."

As Chartreuse Mongoose, I had to follow a spiritual path. I would arise at dawn and bow to the sacred spirit of the Dingo. Red Parrot had trained me to recognize the qualities I would have to adopt. To be swift and independent. To be brutal in execution yet kind in my diplomacy.

Red Parrot did not know mercy, and therefore did not show it. After my prayers to The Dingo, I would be met at the frozen pond where I bathed. I was barefoot when we would start my training, my feet sliding over the icy rock, my hands grasping the bokken.

He would deliver quick blows to my shins, my back and my ass. I would spend most of my time on my back, staring at the grey sky.

"Get up! You are weak and need to be strong! You will arise now, Chartreuse Mongoose! Show your spirit!"

I stood weakly and positioned my stance. He would slice a hi to my hands, the bokken flying towards the bank.

"You are nothing but a little whore! Nothing but a weak pussy that has no strength!"

I was tired and hungry, I wanted to crawl onto my pile of hay on the floor and sleep, but it would not be. Sleep would not come during those seven months. In addition to the beating on the lake, Red Parrot would force me to swim into the ocean, my robe doing nothing to mask the chill that ran through my body.

One night, as Red Parrot sat idly by his fire, he motioned for me to come near. I was cold and shivering, a mustache of frost on my upper lip, my hair frozen stiff. I opened my robe to warm by the fire, and bowed in thanks to Red Parrot for his generosity.

"You have come a long way, Mongoose," he said. "And tomorrow, you will put the skills you've learned to good use."

"What am I to do?"

"There is a lady in Marseilles," Red Parrot said. "Her name is Ramona. We have been communicating for five months now. By carrier pigeon, at first, and then later by AOL Instant Messenger. These past few weeks, we've been holding voice chats while you karate-chop the wood for the fire. Last night we agreed to take the next step. I'll need you to go to Marseilles, find Ramona, and bring her to me. You fulfill this task, and you are free to continue your life of wanton pleasure."

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I fought hard not to crack a smile. If there's one thing Red Parrot hated, it was bees. Smiling came second on the list, under the bees.

"You have become an expert dingo-paddler," said Red Parrot. "For this, I am grateful. You must swim across the frozen pond, into the frozen lake, and follow the frozen ocean to Marseilles. Ramona will be waiting for you, dressed as an elf."

I started before the dawn. The morning was chilled. Ice hung heavy from the trees. I began with the pond, astounded that it would still be frozen after seven months, but everything had a surreal quality in these forests.

With my training I had learned to stay powerful on the ice. Swift as the dingo, Red Parrot had told me. As I walked across the familiar lake, I spotted specks of blood--my own blood--from my hard labor.

To the east was a cave that sparkled on the banks. I had not been allowed to explore the cave, for Red Parrot believed it was inhabited by Welsh Monks that would tempt me to drink wine and don French maids' uniforms for their sinful benefit. Apprehensively, I approached the cave, my steps light, so as to not attract attention.

I had almost reached the outer banks when I heard a voice above me.

"You there!"

My head flew towards the voice, "Me, sir?"

"Yes, you. Come closer." I managed a step. "Oh, hurry the fuck up, lady. I haven't got eternity."

I scurried towards the man. He was perched on the top portion of the cave, his ass hanging ten feet in the air.

"You are on a journey, is this correct?"

I nodded.

"In this journey you will meet two figures. A man and a woman. They will offer spiritual greatness that will forever improve your life. They will each ask you a simple question, and if the answer is correct they will offer you a blessing. Do you understand, Mongoose?"

I gasped. "How do you know my name?"

"I know all. Now, do you understand?'

"Yes, but how will I recognize these figures?"

"One will be dressed in all black, a man yet a beast. The other will be made of Styrofoam."

"Uh…"

"Go on, young Mongoose, and follow your heart."

"Cheerio," I said. Then I turned around a high-tailed it the fuck out of the cave.

I was skiing down the Slopes of Eternal Suffering when my cell phone buzzed at my hip. I removed my ski mask, unclipped my phone, and checked the readout. Red Parrot.

"Aye, Sensei," I said into the phone.

"We're out of Charmin," Red Parrot said. "You need to pick a case up on the way."

"Two-ply?"

"With aloe."

I used wolf dung and cherry nectar to create an ink, and inscribed the list onto the smooth side of some willow bark.

"Anything else you need while I'm out?"

Red Parrot was quiet for a moment. "Potato chips would be nice. Salt and vinegar. But make sure they're not too greasy."

"Non-greasy salt and vinegar potato chips. TP with aloe. Got it. Anything else?"

"A slurpee."

"Cherry?"

I felt the mental lashings of his whip on my spine. "Blue raspberry," he said. "Do not fail me, Mongoose!"

And then he hung up.

I had managed to swim the ocean of Despondence and Desperation, ski the rolling Slopes of Eternal Suffering, save the small village of Continual Damnation from the vampiric flying squirrels, and now had one final battle to face: The Amazon Babes from the Vallée de Silicone.

The road leading to the valley was clear. The sun was shiny and the breeze breezy. I had yet to hear a sound or see a single Babe. I crouched behind the brush and organized my belongings -- two pairs of Hanes (Your Way) men's gray jockey shorts, two pairs of leather gloves, three tampons, one tub of Burt's Bees lip balm and a stick. I closed my satchel and sat in lotus, stuck my finger in my mouth, sucked and waved it in the air. The wind was breezy from the North East. I closed my eyes and began to feel my surroundings.

"Halt, fiend! State your name."

Fuck.

I slightly turned and felt the jab of a pointy object in my back.

"I am called Chartreuse Mongoose," I replied.

The pointy stick was removed and I heard a feminine chuckle. "Oh, yes, the Mongoose. We have heard of you from our neighboring allies. Anders from Pam has told us of your wild escapade with the vampiric flying squirrels. We are much impressed and have been awaiting your arrival."

"Uh," I said. "You have?"

"Sure," said the Babe. "I am Breasty McGee. You will come with me."

I shrugged and followed the supple lady down the clear road.

We arrived to a small village made up of small huts. The small huts were pressed closely together and each faced a rather large statue in the middle of the village.

I turned to Breasty. "Hey, is that statue--"

"Our goddess and founder, a very powerful Babe--"

"Babe?"

"Yes, that Babe."

"Oh, um, by chance, is that statue made of Styrofoam?"

"Why, yes. Yes it is."

Oh boy.

I followed Breasty into one of the larger small huts. She clicked off the plasma TV over the fireplace and handed me an amulet.

"What's this?"

"Amulet," said Breasty.

"No shit, Sherlock. I mean, why are you giving this to me?"

"It was my mother's. She wore it always."

"Oh, jeez," I said. "I can't take this. It's a family heirloom."

But Breasty was quite adamant.

"You must!" she cried. "It's very important that you do so!"

"Because it will protect me?"

Breasty shook her head and waved her hand in a dismissive gesture. "Nah. I tried to sell it last Saturday at our community garage sale, but no one had interest. I'm very big into feng-shui. I don't keep shit lying around. You must take it with you so it doesn't fuck up my aura."

"Of course." I tied the amulet around my neck and gagged. "Smells weird. Um, I know this. Sulfur to cleanse? Garlic to protect? Pig urine to purify?"

Breasty made a face. "My mother, when she died, was not found right away."

Gak!

That night, I dined with Breasty and the other Amazon Babes. As the guest of honor, I was allowed first dibs at the suckling pig.

I forked a bite of pig-chop to my mouth and washed it down with some Bud. "So, chicas, let's hear it. What am I doing here?"

The Babes all looked at Breasty. She dabbed her mouth with her napkin and cleared her throat. "You are the chosen one," she said. "It is our duty to train you in the art of Papula Impalarus."

My fork fell out of my hand and landed with a clang. "You gotta be shitting me."

Breasty narrowed her eyes on me. "I don't shit," she said. "I never shit. You have a calling. You can either choose to fulfill your destiny or ignore it. The choice is yours.

"You will join us tonight for dancing and much wine. Then, at midnight, when the moon is full yet hidden beneath the clouds, you will visit our Queen. She will give you direction. What happens next is up to you."

My stomach turned as I sat in front of the bonfire. The Babes danced a righteous dance of bouncing breasts and perky butts, chanting to their goddess as they offered their loin cloths to the fire. I tugged my lime green robe tighter around me.

The suckling pig did not sit well with me. For the last seven months I had dined on rabbit droppings and pigeon feathers. I had been in training and needed my potassium.

My stomach turned again and I felt a wave go through my lower intestine. Fucking suckling pig. The Babes may not shit, but I sure as hell do.

As Breasty left my side to wallop with her fellow Babes, I removed myself from my seat and headed into the dense forest. Squatting in a bush, I braced myself against a Birch tree and sighed. This was it.

Once satisfied, I began looking for the most non-poisonous plant with which to cleanse myself, when the hair on my neck stood on end.

"You will never be clean!"

I turned quickly and faced a meager woman with blonde hair and a saggy ass. Her eyes were opaque and staring behind my shoulder.

"Excuse me?"

"You will never be clean!"

She began to laugh, a maniacal laugh that sent me into the Dingo Squatting Jump position.

"Who are you?"

"My name is Placido. I tell you, child, that you will never be clean."

"Are you an oracle? Why do you say this?"

"I am no oracle, child. I am merely an old woman of thirty. However, you are standing in a bunch of poison oak. Your ass it going to be very bumpy tomorrow."

I swore to myself and stood at ease.

"Placido!" Breasty came to my side. "You are not to return here, you were banished!"

Placido began to mutter, "Whores! Fuckers! Cunts! I was your leader!"

Breasty pulled my arm and lead me back to the fire. "She was our leader, until she betrayed us all."

"How so?" I asked.

"Toilet paper. She stuffed." Breasty's face was sad. "She was once my mentor."

"Ah."

"But never mind! It is time for you to meet our goddess."

Breasty lead me to the base of the statue. The dull white began to glow. As the moon moved behind the clouds, the Babes began to chant. I could not move from my position. I was held in a trance. The dull white Styrofoam took a mortal form.

She stood there, busty and blonde. Her lips painted red. Her eyes heavy, like she'd just been thoroughly fucked. "I am called Nicollete de Anna."

I felt myself bow, I kissed her toe ring.

"Now, Mongoose, you have been instructed you would be asked one question. Yes?"

I nodded.

"I have little time. I will ask immediately. Mongoose, if you were in a whorehouse and you couldn't finish completely, would it be permissible to ask for a doggie bag to take the leftovers home?"

"That depends," I said. "Are they serving rabbit?"

Nicollete de Anna sighed. "It's really not that hard."

"Well, can I think about it?" I asked.

"No."

"Why the fuck not?"

"Look, I get to be mortal for four hours. I'm expected in the Valley of Hard Members in twenty minutes. I'm doing this as a favor. Now answer the fucking question."

"Sheesh, okay. Um, I guess the answer is yes."

Nicollete de Anna smiled. "You have answered correctly and now for my free advice." She leaned in and whispered, "I believe in birth, copulation and death. Although copulation embodies the other two, and death is a form of borning. I was born, I died, and today I think I'll copulate."

She leapt off her pedestal, smiled and patted my ass. She began to walk naked down the road, the Babes chanting in her direction.

Breasty walked up to me and handed me a bottle of calamine lotion. "Have you decided, young Mongoose?"

I unscrewed the cap, slathered some lotion on my ass, and nodded. "Teach me," I said to Breasty. "Teach me everything."

I spent six years with the Amazon Babes, learning the arts of fellatio and analkoitus. In order to keep my youthful appearance, I bathed twice a day in the Sacred River of Alpha-Hydroxy, which ran parallel to the Collagen Forest. When it came time for me to leave them, they prepared me for what may lie ahead.

"You have been with us many years," Breasty said as she walked me to the road leading to the Gates of Hefner, "but you must remember: the Vallée de Silicone does not exist on the mortal plane. Though nearly a decade has passed here, you have been missing from the other realm for only twenty-six minutes. Do you understand?"

"Yup."

Breasty smiled. "Well done, Mongoose," she said. "You have but one task left and your transformation will be complete."

I looked at her expectantly.

"You must kill any man with whom you copulated, but did not experience a totally outrageous orgasm."

"That's a little harsh, don't you think?"

"Fair is fair."

"What if I just hit them with a car or something?"

Breasty thought about this for a moment. "That will do," she said. "But only if bones are broken."

"Well, yeah."

"Do you know the way to San Jose?"

"Nah," I said. "But I got GPS on my cell phone."

Breasty smiled and embraced me like a sister. "You will be missed, Mongoose. Now on your way, before the tides change."

I followed the road to the Gates of Hefner, caught a bus to San Jose, and flew into Philadelphia. I had the feeling I was forgetting something, but I hadn't a clue what it was. I hadn't had an iron when I lived with Red Parrot, so I was almost certain that wasn't it. In time, that feeling had gone away, and I'd more or less forgotten about the whole damn thing.

I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing.

"Stephanie?"

"Who wants to know?"

"It's your mother."

"Oh. You again."

"I thought you were coming over this morning," she said. "I waited and waited--"

I looked at the clock by the bed. 8:30 PM. Yikes!

"--and waited and waited--"

"I'm sorry," I said. "I guess I spaced out for a while. You ever get the feeling that you were supposed to do something, but you can't remember what it was?"

"--and waited and waited--"

I disconnected and dressed in a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. I pulled up to my parent's house fifteen minutes later. My mother wasn't waiting for me, but my Grandma Mazur was. She was dressed in purple hot pants with pink polka dots. Her wig was in afro style with butterfly clips placed sporadically.

"New look?" I asked her.

"Sure thing. Lulu took me to her stylist."

I rolled my eyes and walked past her. My father wasn't present, I imagine he was at the lodge playing poker or scoring some smack.

"What were you doing? Where have you been? Why didn't you call?" All from my mother.

"I'm sorry, I had a few errands to run."

"You couldn't have called?"

"Uh, my cell phone died. You had a message for me?"

"Oh, yea. Here."

She took a slip from her apron and shoved it at me. The message was written on tree bark. The smell told me the lettering had been done in camel dung and wild blackberries. The words were foreign. There were a few dots, a few dashes, another dot, then another.

What the fuck?

"Ma, I have to go."

"What does it say?

I turned and looked at her. "I have no idea, but I need to find out."

A picture of the Red Parrot flitted through my mind. I held back a shudder and got into my car. I wound through the Burg, making sure no one was following me, and spat out in front of Ranger's building. I parked underground, took the elevator all the way up to Ranger's apartment, and let myself in.

There was a strained grunting sound coming from the bedroom. Probably he was having a bad dream, I decided. Any minute now he'd be screaming, "NOT THE FICUS! NOT THE FICUS!" Ranger was deathly afraid of house plants.

I dropped my keys on the sideboard and walked through the apartment. The grunting was quickening, becoming more erratic. The bed was banging into the wall. I pulled my katana from the sleeve I'd had sewn into my jacket and stalked toward the bedroom. I peeked around the doorframe and saw Ranger, ass in the air, banging the blonde from the night before. They were in butterfly position, and they were doing it all wrong.

I stepped back and waited in the kitchen. I could tell by the sounds Ranger was making that he was in the throes of vinegar strokes. The blonde let out a squeak, and then all went quiet.

Ranger came out a few moments later. He was wet and droopy, and didn't have a stitch of clothes on. He reached around me and got a bottle of water out of the fridge.

"Do you know Candy?" he asked me.

I shook my head. "Nope. Do you?"

Ranger shrugged. "Only in the Biblical sense."

Candy was dressed when she wobbled into the kitchen.

"Stephanie, Candy. Candy, Stephanie," Ranger said by way of introduction.

"My name's Monica, asshole," Candy said him.

We shook hands, and she left.

Ranger leaned back against the counter and yawned. "Can I do you now?"

I felt my eyebrows disappear into my hairline. "Excuse me?"

Ranger rolled his eyes. "What. Can. I. Do. For. You. Now."

"Oh," I said. "I need you to translate this."

I handed him the tree bark. He studied it for a moment and gave it back to me.

"Babe," he said. "I read Binary Code. Not Morse Code. You'll wanna see Crubby about this."

"Crubby?"

"Marzetti," Ranger said. "Works on two. Give me five minutes to lace my shoes and I'll walk you down."

I followed Ranger into his dressing room. He sat on a bench and shoved his feet into a pair of sneakers.

"Um, Ranger?"

"Hold on. I need to concentrate. Fuck. Does the rabbit go around the tree, or under it?"

"Around," I said, "but there's something else."

"Such as?"

"Pants. You need pants."

Ranger looked down and sighed. "Goddamn it all," he said, kicking off his shoes. "I always forget the fucking pants."

Ranger and I rode the elevator together. He snagged an around my shoulder when we reached the fifth floor, and by the fourth, he was cupping a breast.

"Fuck it. I said no. Wasn't Monica enough for you?"

I removed Ranger's hand and dropped it by his side. He cocked an eyebrow. "Who?"

I grunted and the doors opened on two. He made a gesture that I should go before him and I did, hesitantly. He sniggered and slapped my ass.

The second floor was a long line of grey walls and closed doors.

"Crubby's the fifth door down," Ranger said. "The fucker had better be in."

I scrunched my nose and threw a glance towards Ranger. His hands were snug in his cargos and he began to whistle the Andy Griffith Show theme song.

There was no light shining from the fifth office and I worried that I would be stuck with the man in black until Crubby showed.

Ranger pulled a pair of lock picks from his back pockets and began to jimmy the door.

"Um, Ranger? Don't you have a set of keys? You do own the building, you know."

Ranger shrugged. "Meh."

The office was dark and I had been wrong. There was a light, but it was dim. Set in the corner of the fifth office were seven candles, approximately thirteen pictures of Enrique Iglesias and a chanting man.

"Crubby!" shouted Ranger. "Get your ass over here. What have I fucking told you about those damn pictures?"

Crubby sighed, rubbed his stomach and kissed the Enrique picture in front of him. As he turned, my breath caught. He was stunning man. He was six-two, dark haired, the color of burned molasses. His eyes were melt-in-your-mouth chocolate -- the liqueur kind, the ones with booze. He had a narrow-hipped swagger as he walked towards me. He was pretty, but bad. You could just tell he was bad. It might have been the cocky smile or the knife gash through his left eyebrow, or the Michael Jackson glove he wore on his left hand. Whatever it was, it was bad, and I knew it.

He looked me up and down and nodded in appreciation. Ranger cleared his throat and pushed Crubby against the desk.

"Yo, boss! I thought we had this planned for seven with Tank and Cal?"

"We do, but shut up about that for now. This is something else. I need you to translate this for Ms. Plum."

Ranger handed Crubby the bark. He studied the camel dung and narrowed his eyes.

"Listen lady, I don't know what you've gotten yourself into, but I'd be careful."

I could feel Red Parrot's mental lashings against my spine.

"What? What does it say?"

Crubby scrawled the message in English on an electric blue Post-It Note, and tapled it to my forehead. I peeled it off and looked down:

W H E R E T H E F U C K I S M Y T O I L E T P A P E R B I T C H ?