A/N: Thanks for your reviews!
This scene takes place between chapters 15 and 16; In chapter 15 Jim and Johanna had a fight and things started to thaw between Kate and Johanna during this time period while Jim was staying away. Chapter 16 picks up a few days after 15 ended; so this fills in a little of that time.
Comfort – Deleted Scene- Between Chs 15-16
Kate steered the shopping cart down a deserted aisle of the market, chastening herself for stopping after work when she should've known it would be crowded. But then she thought of her mother sitting at home…alone…her heart apparently broken and a migraine still tormenting her. There wasn't much she could do about either problem except try to pick up the pieces and offer some sort of comfort…and for once it didn't occur to her to be too bothered by the thought of offering comfort in small ways; after all, it looked like she was all the woman had at the moment. She blew out a breath and headed for the soda aisle. Her mother's migraine had her concerned as it was now in its second day. She knew well enough that Johanna sometimes suffered from migraines; she just couldn't quite remember how long they normally lasted. She'd done a little late night Googling on her laptop once she had been shut away in her bedroom the night before and she had discovered that caffeine was known to sometimes ease the headaches.
Kate stopped her cart and grabbed a case of Coke from the shelf. They had soda but were running low, and if it could work as a cure then her mother's favorite drink needed to be kept in stock. She also grabbed a bottle of ginger ale, hoping it would cure the upset stomach her mother kept using as her excuse for her loss of appetite. She moved on, grabbing things that she had written down on a scrap of paper when she called Johanna after work. She had intended to bring her mother with her but she had declined, saying she didn't feel up to it. Kate hadn't pressed the issue, understanding that maybe she didn't feel up to braving the late afternoon sun with the headache she was battling. She picked up the baking supplies that had been requested; along with the regular staples that had been named. She drifted down the candy aisle, picking up Hershey Bars and Reese Cups for her mother, chalking it up as another possible cure for both her headache and her blues in small ways. She grabbed herself a pack of Skittles, feeling the need to indulge her inner child.
She traveled on to the snack aisle, grabbing popcorn and a bag of Doritos as well. Her lips tipped upwards slightly as she dropped the bag into her cart. Doritos had always been one of her favorite after school snacks…Doritos, a cold Coke and music videos on MTV…and when her mother got home from work she always joined her on the sofa for a little while, her hand dipping into the chips and a cold soda within reach. Johanna had never minded watching the music videos unlike some of her friends mothers…she had never minded letting her play her cds in the car either as long they took turns with the music selection. The memories made her ache a little…and for once she didn't feel much anger with that ache, just longing. Kate shook it off and continued on her task; she still had eggs and milk to get.
While she got the necessities, she also decided to pick up some ice cream, figuring it couldn't hurt to have a woman's best friend when it came to comfort food on hand. Distraction was also needed and so she steered the cart towards the magazine and book department. She picked up the standard fare of People, Redbook and Cosmo among others that she knew both she and her mother enjoyed; she then snatched Good Housekeeping and Woman's Day and Family Circle for her mother, knowing she enjoyed those for their recipes, household tips and book suggestions among other things. She felt she had a respectable stack that should keep her mother busy for a day or two and then her eyes spied a display box that proclaimed 'Bargain Books'.
Kate drifted to the box and sorted through it, her eyes landing on a copy of Janet Evanovich's 'Sizzling Sixteen'. She grabbed the hardback book and studied the cover; her mother had brought a few of the Stephanie Plum paperbacks with her…she'd even bought one when they had gone to the store together the day after she moved in with her. She tried to recall if the book she held was one that Johanna owned; she didn't think it was, and if so she'd only be out five dollars and that wasn't a huge loss. Her mother enjoyed the series, they even made her laugh out loud at times and that was something Kate felt she desperately needed. She added the book to her cart and continued to look through the selection to see if there were anymore that she could add to her mother's collection.
She briefly wondered if it should bother her that she was in essence giving her mother a gift…but then she brushed that thought away. This wasn't a gift; it was just something to cheer her up…something to keep her occupied…something that would make things more bearable for both of them. That was all it was; it didn't mean anything. With her mind settled on that thought, she continued her browsing, her hand coming in contact with one of Castle's books. Kate grimaced, it was one of the Storm novels and she was sure Castle wouldn't appreciate that bargain price sticker on his cover. She glanced around, as if waiting for him to pop up and see that his book was in that box. She had a feeling the sight would sting…and at the very least, bruise his ego. She frowned, she hated to see his book there in that box, marked down like it was some reject. Oh she knew all books eventually found their way into bargain bins, secondhand stores and online auction sites…but this was Castle…and she knew him…and that made it personal. Kate knew that he shopped there and she didn't want him to see one of his efforts labeled as a 'bargain'. She quickly buried the book under others, making sure that one of James Patterson's books was on top and visible instead of her preferred author. It would tickle him to see Patterson's work there on top instead of his own if he should happen to shop there in the coming days.
Kate finished looking through the box, picking up a mystery novel for herself and then glanced at her watch. She needed to get home, her mother had been cooking when she called her, dinner would probably be ready and she didn't need to give her another reason to be upset. After double checking to make sure she had gotten everything on the list, she headed for the shortest checkout line she could find; hoping that her small cures for headaches and heartaches would help some.
When Kate arrived home, she spotted one of the neighbor kids dribbling his basketball. The ten year old boy called out a greeting to her as always and she smiled in return. "Hey, Eric; you want to make a couple dollars?"
"Do you need me to help you catch bad guys?" he asked as he came to the car.
Her smile widened. "Not today; but I could use some help carrying this stuff up to my door, if you wouldn't mind?"
"It's not as much fun as chasing down bad guys," Eric sighed as he put his basketball down and grabbed a few bags from the trunk.
Kate gave a short laugh. "Chasing down bad guys isn't always fun."
"Sure it is," he replied. "How can it not be?"
"Because it's a lot of hard work…and when you catch the bad guy, you then have a lot of paperwork to do about it; and trust me, it's totally not fun."
Eric grinned at her. "I'm still going to catch bad guys one day."
She smiled. "I'm sure you will; and when you finish your training, we'll be happy to have you at the twelfth."
"I'll be there," he beamed as they made their way to the elevator.
Once all the groceries had been unloaded in front of her door, Kate paid him a few dollars and ruffled his hair as she sent him on his way to collect his basketball before someone made off with it. She unlocked the door and started dragging the groceries into her apartment. Johanna heard her and abandoned the kitchen to help.
Kate kept the bag with the book tucked away from her mother's eyes as they dealt with the rest. She'd give it to her after dinner; maybe it would keep a crying jag at bay. "How are you feeling?" she asked her mother as they quickly put things away.
"Alright I guess," Johanna replied; her tone soft and flat.
She studied her; her face was still pale, she still seemed to squinting against the light. "Do you still have that headache?"
"Yes; not quite as bad as yesterday but not much better either."
"I read that caffeine can help with that," Kate said casually, acting as though she hadn't searched for the information. "I know you switch off between soda, water and tea, but maybe you should drink some soda for the rest of the evening and see if maybe it helps a little."
Johanna managed a smile for her daughter and a slight nod. "That's a good idea; I think I will."
"Can't hurt," Kate stated.
"You're right, it can't."
Kate searched for a way to continue the conversation and floundered…suddenly feeling like she might now know what her mother had felt like in this same position when she had been the one who wasn't very chatty. "I think I got everything that you named," she stated, hating that she hadn't thought up something better.
"It looks like everything is accounted for," Johanna agreed.
She sighed softly. "What's for dinner?"
"Lasagna," her mother answered. "It's ready; I've just been keeping it warm for us."
"I'm sorry; I didn't think I'd be as long as I thought."
"No need to be sorry; we needed things, I'm glad you went. Dinner hasn't been harmed by you running a few minutes behind."
"You must feel a little better if you made lasagna," she remarked as she got the drinks while her mother pulled the dish out of the oven. "When I stopped by at lunchtime, you were still laying on the couch in your nightgown."
"Lasagna doesn't require much supervision," Johanna replied. "And the salad didn't take long, neither did the bread."
Kate gave a nod of concession. "But you did get dressed," she stated; taking note of the soft looking black lounge pants and pink t-shirt Johanna was wearing.
"I didn't want you to think that I wasn't making any effort at all."
"I know you don't feel good," Kate replied as she continued to study her. She could tell that the pants were a little big on her slender frame and that she had the waist rolled up. "You're not losing weight are you?" she asked.
Johanna glanced at her as she cut the lasagna. "No, why?"
"Those pants look a little big on you."
"They always have been," she assured. "I've tried to shrink them a little but it hasn't worked…I like them like this though, they're comfy…especially when you're not feeling your best and don't feel like giving much effort."
"They do look comfy," Kate replied, not wanting to offend her. "I just don't want you to be losing weight."
"I'm not; I'm the same size I've always been since having you."
Her daughter smirked at her. "You say that like someone can look at you and tell that you had a baby."
"Well I did have a baby and I do have a few pounds leftover from it. I used to be your size."
"There's not much difference in our sizes. I used to borrow your clothes and I'm sure I still could. I'm sure you could wear things in my closet."
"We're still a size apart though," her mother replied.
"Oh what a travesty," Kate replied dramatically. "So you have an inch on your hips that I don't have on mine. It's hardly worth noting."
"Remember that when you have a baby and that inch means your favorite pair of jeans doesn't fit anymore. I went up a bra size too."
Kate eyed her. "I highly doubt that you received complaints about that."
Johanna blushed; she was right, Jim hadn't complained about her going up a cup size…she shouldn't have been surprised. He also hadn't minded those three pounds she couldn't lose. She had worried though back then…there had been a few misunderstandings about the way she was feeling in those first weeks, but when he finally figured out what she needed, he'd been incredibly sweet and loving and had helped her let go of those worries and become comfortable with herself once again. Tears pricked her eyes, if only her problems were that simple now.
Kate frowned as that dash of color in her mother's cheeks faded, melancholy sweeping back across her features as if the memory of better times had reminded her of the current state of affairs. How was she going to get her off that track? "I feel like I was probably worth the loss of your favorite jeans from 1979," she stated, making her tone light.
Her mother smiled and nodded. "You were worth the loss of several pairs of jeans and one very favorite skirt."
"It's good to know that you haven't been holding a grudge about that," she replied as they sat down at the table with their dinner.
"No grudges…I don't regret a moment of it."
They grew quiet as they each took a bite of their dinner. Kate knew she should probably keep the conversation going, that it seemed to be best to keep her mother distracted, which in turn might get her to eat more than she had the previous day and that morning. But what was she supposed to say? She couldn't ask her how her day was…she'd been locked in her apartment all day and she'd spent the majority of it laying on the couch drowning in her sorrow. She sighed, she wasn't good at this.
Johanna heard the sigh and forced herself to make more effort instead of staying locked inside the dreariness of her mind. "How was your day?" she asked her.
"It was fine," Kate answered.
"No news?"
She didn't have to ask to know that she was referring to their case. "No, I'm afraid not."
Johanna gave a nod. "That's alright, maybe tomorrow."
She forced a tight lipped smile to her lips. "Yeah, maybe," she agreed, although she felt like a liar for doing so. She had a feeling there wouldn't be another lead until another move had been made but she didn't want to bring that up right now.
"How is Rick?"
"He's fine; he says hello."
Johanna smiled. "He didn't get himself into any mischief today?"
"No…but there's always tomorrow."
"Very true. And how are Ryan and Esposito?"
"They were very bored today; we didn't have much going on."
"I figure a slow day must be a relief to all of you," her mother commented.
"Yeah, it is…until we get a whole string of them, then we start to get a little stir crazy."
Her mother smiled once more as she forced herself to pick up her fork again for another bite. "What about your other friend, Lanie? Did you see her today?"
"No; but we traded a few texts during the day."
"She seems like a nice girl."
Kate gave a short laugh. "This feels like the first week of school when you'd ask me if I made any new friends."
"I'm sorry," Johanna said softly. "I don't mean to pry."
She shook her head. "I didn't mean anything by it; you're not prying, I don't mind you asking about them. I didn't mean to imply otherwise."
"It's okay…I don't mind you telling me if I overstep my bounds…I've upset things enough and I don't want to make it worse."
Kate caught her eye and held it. "Don't," she said, keeping her tone soft but carrying a small note of warning. "Just don't go down that road, okay?"
Johanna nodded, her gaze falling to her plate. She always made a mess of things; she never learned when to keep her mouth shut. Her father was right, she didn't have the sense God gave a goose. The thought of her father punched her in the stomach. He always came to mind when she felt like a failure.
Kate mentally berated herself as the silence wrapped around them once more and her mother's fork began to push the food around on her plate, showing that she was going to play with it more than eat it. She just had to stick her foot in her mouth. She had a feeling that her mother was keeping her eyes lowered so that she wouldn't see the likely sheen of tears lying in them. How did she have any tears left? She suppressed a sigh and decided she better try again. "How was Temptation Lane today?" she asked; knowing her mother watched it live and then watched it again with her in the evening on the DVR.
"It wasn't on," she answered.
"Why the hell not?"
"Presidential address of some sort…it didn't seem to be anything vitally important and I didn't really care if it was, so I kind of ignored it."
"Yeah; I have a tendency to tune them out too," Kate replied. "It's always in the paper in the morning, and if I need to know before then, someone will tell me. I wish they'd stop doing it in the timeslot of my show though, it pisses me off."
Johanna smiled a little. "Me too. I left the channel on in case it came on at some point but it never did."
"Well, I guess there's no Temptation Lane for us tonight then…we'll have to find something else to watch."
"And hope that the President doesn't interrupt that as well," her mother quipped.
"Exactly; I'd write a letter of protest but I don't want the F.B.I. beating on my door."
"No, you definitely don't want them coming to your door," Johanna remarked, a hint of darkness in her tone despite herself.
That sounded like a topic that needed moved on from, Kate thought to herself. "What did you watch when it became apparent Temptation Lane wasn't being aired today?"
"A rerun of Matlock."
She smiled a little, the words slipping out before she could stop them. "One of Dad's all time favorites."
"Yeah…I know."
"You cried through the whole thing, didn't you?" Kate asked before she could stop herself.
"Maybe," she admitted softly.
"Is there some TV show that you want me to go buy the dvds of so you have something to binge watch…you know, so you don't have to watch Matlock and cry over Dad."
"That's okay," Johanna said with a shake of her head. "Rockford comes on after Matlock…I like Rockford."
Kate eyed her. "If I remember correctly, his name is Jim Rockford…and his father calls him Jimmy, just like Grandpa always called Dad Jimmy."
Her mother nodded. "That's right," she replied, her voice cracking a little.
"So really right now Rockford is just another form of torment."
"Probably," she sniffed. "Your father always liked Rockford's car too."
Kate sighed as she picked up her drink. "You make self torture an art form."
"I can't help it that he's everywhere," she cried.
"Please don't cry; you're going to get your food wet. As for Dad being everywhere…well…maybe you should watch a show that doesn't remind you so much of him. If you need a rerun, watch Dr Quinn, you always liked that."
"It's not on in the afternoon."
"Is it on in the evening? Because I will make sure we're tuned in," Kate stated. "Nothing on there will remind you of Dad."
"Unless its one of the later seasons…that's when he started leaving the room when it was on. He hated the later ones and always gave me a full critique when he watched it with me."
"My God, you don't forget anything, do you?" her daughter asked.
"Not when it comes to the people I love," she replied. "I'll try to do better."
"It's alright; I understand…we'll find you something to watch that doesn't make you think of Dad every second."
Johanna wiped her eyes with a napkin and brought herself back under control. She was a mess and she knew it…and yet there didn't seem to be anything she could do about it.
Kate was about to speak again but her phone buzzed and she pulled it from her pocket, hoping it wasn't the precinct. She really didn't want to leave her mother alone at night. She saw that the text was from her father and couldn't help thinking that his ears must've been burning. She opened it, hoping it would be something more than the last few had been, but she was disappointed.
"Are you and your mother alright, Katie?" Jim had written.
She frowned at the phone; it was the same exact message she had been getting since yesterday. "We're fine," she wrote back. "Are you coming back tomorrow?"
The reply was long in coming; she managed to finish off her lasagna and had started on her salad before the phone finally buzzed. "No, I won't be there tomorrow."
"Why not? Do you have to work?"
"For a few hours in the morning."
"Then come in the afternoon."
"No," he replied. "I don't think I should."
"Why the hell not?" she wrote back in frustration.
"Because I think we could all use some space from each other right now, Katie."
That was rich, she thought to herself. He had all the space while she and her mother were trapped together with no choice but to be in each other's space, although they did their best to respect each other's privacy…just like her mother hadn't asked who she was texting, and she knew she most likely wouldn't.
"Seems like you're the one with all the space, Dad; what do we have?"
"I don't want to argue with you."
"I don't want to argue either; I want to know what this is all about so it can be resolved."
"Hasn't she told you?"
"No."
"I'm not either; it's none of your business."
"It feels like it is."
"It's not. It's just best if we have some time apart."
"How long is that going to be?" Kate asked.
"I don't know…but that doesn't mean I want you leaving me out of the loop."
She forced herself not to scoff out loud. "If I feel you need to know something, I'll let you know…I wouldn't want to infringe on your space with something insignificant…like with the fact that your wife misses you."
"Katie, don't do this. Just try and understand. We all need some time to ourselves."
That was easy for him to say, she thought to herself. He could have time to himself…her mother only had time to herself when she wasn't home; and she only had time to herself when they weren't occupying the same room. Irritation at him flickered in her veins. All of his lectures about how she needed to be understanding and he was now the one turning his back. It wasn't fair. "Whatever, Dad," she replied; knowing how much he hated it when she used that phrase…but she felt like maybe he deserved it a little for being a hypocrite.
'I hate when you do that," her father replied.
"I know, that's why I did it."
"I love you too," Jim said in response.
She rolled her eyes; that was always his favorite tactic when she made a smart ass comment to him. Some things never changed. She allowed the phone to drop to the table, not bothering to reply as there wasn't any point in keeping it going.
"Everything okay?" Johanna asked her, sensing her change in mood.
"Yeah, it was nothing," she answered; not daring to pass along her father's message about needing space. That would only plunge her further into a tailspin.
Johanna had her doubts about that but she didn't push the issue. Kate's private conversations were her own business and not something she should be prying into. "I'm going to start cleaning up while you finish eating," she told her.
"You hardly ate anything," her daughter chastened.
"I'm not hungry, Katie. My stomach is still upset."
"I got you some ginger ale," she told her. "Maybe you should sip a glass and then go back to your soda…maybe we can cure both ailments."
Johanna grabbed her glass from the table and finished her soda before rinsing out the glass and the pouring some ginger ale into it, wanting to show her daughter that she was taking her advice. "Thank you for the candy you picked up," she stated after taking a sip of the ginger ale. "I do like to have chocolate on hand."
"I know, I remember. I got plenty of magazines too."
She nodded. "I'll probably start on those tomorrow."
Kate grew quiet while her mother put the leftovers into containers and put them away. She wished she could fix whatever it was that was wrong…or at the very least be able to offer suggestions about a solution, but her mother wasn't talking. She was keeping it locked away. Her father wasn't going to talk either, and she knew she didn't stand a chance at breaking him. His absence made him seem guilty in her opinion though. It was kind of funny how that worked out; she would've thought that she would've blamed her mother right off the bat…but the evidence that had been in front of her from the first second of the fallout seemed to clear her of suspicion. She was hurt deeply…and if she had done something to cause that hurt, Kate felt certain that her mother would own up to it, take all the blame and be begging his forgiveness. But she wasn't.
Some would make the argument that Johanna's constant stream of crying jags was a sign of guilt, she mused; but it wasn't like that at all. The woman had guilt in abundance…and for the most part, she held herself together. But this…this was completely different, this behavior hinted at a wound, one that had plunged deep, nicking a main artery and causing it to bleed profusely.
Could it be an overreaction to a comment made in the heat of the moment? Kate wasn't ruling that out. Her mother was a passionate woman; her father was more sedate…with the exception of his wife…they were very passionate about each other. Something could've easily snowballed; but on the flipside, it could've also been something big. She hated not knowing…even though it probably wasn't her business. But still, she was somewhat involved…and it was an occupational hazard to want evidence and facts. The clink of dishes being stacked to be washed brought her out of her thoughts and she watched her mother's back for a moment as she prepared the sink. "I'll wash the dishes," Kate told her.
Johanna shook her head. "That's okay, I'll do it…I like to do it, it relaxes me. You finish your dinner and go get your shower; I'm sure you're ready to unwind."
Kate blew out a soft breath as she rose from her chair and carried her dishes to the trash can to scrap off the small amount that remained. She added her dishes to the pile and then picked up the dish towel. "I'll dry," she said, her tone brokering no room for argument.
Her mother gave her a small smile instead of an argument and turned her attention back to her task. Kate thought of broaching a new conversation but thought maybe she should wait until later since they didn't have their episode of Temptation Lane to watch.
Later that evening, after she had showered and changed into her pajamas, Kate poured herself a glass of wine and a glass of soda for Johanna. She had a feeling her mother would probably prefer to have wine when she came out from her shower, but Kate figured it wouldn't help her headache any and that she probably shouldn't be mixing it with the pain reliever she'd been taking. She poured some Doritos into a small snack bowl and carefully carried it all to the living room. She set the bowl on the coffee table where it would be in easy reach of both of them and then deposited her glass of wine on the stand at her end of couch. Johanna entered the room just as Kate sat her soda down on her stand. "Thank you," she told her.
"You're welcome; I got us some chips too, in case we got wanted to snack…seeing as how you didn't eat much."
Johanna took a sip of her drink and only gave a nod at the comment about her eating habits. She settled down on her end of the sofa and watched as Kate began to flip channels. She flipped passed procedurals and crime shows; they had enough of that in real life and didn't need more at the moment. She also flipped past any show that was based around lawyers as that would probably set her mother to crying again as it would remind her of her husband. Kate wasn't much of a fan of reality shows but she settled on a cooking contest figuring it would garner her mother's attention.
It had the desired effect…for a whole ten minutes…and then a commercial break came and she watched from the corner of her eye as Johanna's head bowed; her gaze on her fingers as she traced circles on the thin material of her robe. She saw the internal anguish spreading across her features and she wanted to head it off before it turned into tears. Maybe it was time to produce that book she had picked up.
"I, um, got you something," Kate said as she got up from the sofa.
Johanna tried to keep the surprise off of her face but she had a feeling she failed miserably. Her daughter had gotten her something? The only thing she expected less than that was for someone to come to the door and tell them who was behind the disaster that had become their lives. "You didn't have to do that," she said softly; managing to keep her tone neutral and not hinting at any eagerness.
"It's nothing major," Kate hurried to remark as she grabbed the bag from its hiding place behind her purse on the stand. "It's really nothing much at all, just something I saw at the store that I thought you might want."
"That was nice of you," Johanna replied; doing her best to be cautious with her reactions as she sensed that Kate felt somewhat uneasy about the gesture she was making given their current circumstances.
Kate returned to her spot on the sofa and pulled the book from the bag. "I found this in the bargain box; so if you already have it, I'm not out much."
Johanna was tempted to ask if her daughter wanted to be paid back for the purchase but she feared offending her…and she was all she had left. She accepted the copy of 'Sizzling Sixteen' with reverence, her fingertips brushing against the raised lettering on the cover. "Thank you, Katie."
"Do you have that one?"
"I used to have the paperback but I left it in the cafeteria at work one day; it was gone by the time I realized it and went back for it. I never got around to replacing it…it's one of my favorites of the series, I've missed it."
Kate allowed a small smile to touch her lips. "I guess it's a good thing I spotted it then."
Her mother nodded; a small smile of her own on her lips. "I'm very glad that you found it," she stated, her heart swelling and filling with warmth at the unexpected gesture. She still had to be cautious though, she didn't want to spook her and cause her to backpedal.
"I thought maybe it would cheer you up," her daughter stated; squirming slightly as a small air of awkwardness surrounded them. "You always seem to laugh when you read those books."
"They are funny," Johanna replied. "They have a mystery component but it's lighthearted…and sometimes I need that."
"That's understandable."
"Have you ever read any of the Stephanie Plum series?" her mother asked as she kept her book clutched tightly in her hands.
"No, but I've thought about it from time to time. Lanie and I saw the movie based on the first book a few months ago when it first came out…I guess it's kind of made me hesitate about trying the series."
"No good?" Johanna asked.
"You haven't seen it?"
"Just the promotional clips they show on TV and online."
"It wasn't horrible or anything," Kate replied. "I didn't hate it, it was just a little…I don't know; it just seemed a little lacking."
"I find that's usually the case when it comes to movies that are based on books. The books are almost always better than the movie."
"That's true," she agreed.
"So don't let it sway your opinion of the series too much," Johanna remarked. "That girl they had playing Stephanie, she didn't fit the image I've always had in my head of her…which tells me that I'd probably sit through the movie thinking about everything that's different from the book. If you want something fun and light for a change, then give it a try; you might like it."
Kate gave a nod. "Maybe I will."
Silence settled between them for a moment and Johanna gathered her courage to prolong the conversation, broaching a subject that her daughter might consider a little personal in some way. "Wasn't there supposed to be a movie for Nikki Heat?"
"Yeah…we don't talk much about that."
Her brow rose. "Oh, why not?"
Kate glanced at her as she picked up her wine glass. "It went straight to DVD."
Johanna grimaced slightly. "That must've hurt Rick."
"You don't know the half of it," she replied. "Whatever you do, don't ask him about it, you do not want to get him started…for all of our sakes."
Her mother gave a soft short laugh. "I won't, I promise. Can I ask you why it went straight to DVD?"
"It sucked."
"It sucked? But the book was so good…I mean I know we just mentioned the differences but…straight to DVD is a bit…damning."
"Yeah, well, we'll just say it fell into the wrong hands…and that if that person should ever wind up as the victim at a crime scene, Castle might be a suspect."
"That's pretty bad," Johanna remarked as she took one hand off of her book to reach for her soda. "I admit though that when the casting news came out I found it a bit bizarre…that Natalie girl they picked…she just seemed all wrong."
"If you thought the news was bizarre, you should've met her in person."
"You met her?"
"Yeah, she came to shadow me for a few days as research for the role. It was…creepy," Kate stated.
"Creepy?" Johanna asked.
"Yeah," she said with a nod. "She mimicked everything I did…she even came in one day dressed like me…wig and all."
Her mother's brow rose. "That is a little creepy."
"And she took my coffee," Kate added without much thought, the remembrance of it kicking up an old irrational flicker of anger.
"She took your coffee?" Johanna repeated. "Your coffee Rick brings you?"
"Yes!" she exclaimed; the outrage still present in her voice. "She took my coffee…it was like she was trying to take over my life."
"You should've punched her."
"Believe me, I thought about it," Kate remarked. "There might've even been a moment when I thought about shooting her."
"When she took your coffee?"
She glanced at her mother; could she really still read her that well after all this time? Johanna gave her a small smile. "Lucky guess."
"You're not wrong," she said grudgingly.
"I don't blame you," Johanna said softly. "I'm sure I'd feel the same way."
"It got even more bizarre when she asked me if Castle was gay."
Johanna stared at her for a moment. "I'm sorry, I don't think I heard that right," she laughed, wincing as it caused her head to ache a little more.
"No, you heard me right; she asked me if he was gay."
"Why would she ask that?" Johanna said; trying to keep from laughing as she didn't want to aggravate her headache anymore.
"Because he turned her down."
She read between the lines. "I see," she said, eyeing her daughter knowingly. "He's a smart man."
Kate nodded and suddenly felt like they'd treaded dangerously close to territory that she had declared off limits and she started to worry that maybe she was cracking the door open too far with this conversation. "So anyway," she said, turning the conversation back to its original topic which she had deemed acceptable. "The movie was a victim of poor handling, delays and lousy casting. The critics panned it and it never made it to the theater."
"Did you ever see it?" Johanna asked; picking up on the fact that the more personal angle of the story had been shelved.
She was quiet for a moment, swirling her wine in her glass before she looked at her mother. "I rented it one night out of morbid curiosity."
"And what was your verdict?"
"I cringed from start to finish and had to shower afterwards because I felt dirty for even watching it."
"That's pretty bad," her mother replied.
"It's beyond bad…and no, I'm not going to rent it again so you can see for yourself."
"I wouldn't even put you through the trauma of asking," Johanna stated. "I am sorry though that it turned out that way."
Kate shrugged. "A part of me expected it when a case took us to L.A. and we visited the set. Natalie was away in rehab and the other actors…well, it just didn't seem quite right. I didn't say anything to Castle though."
"I wouldn't think that you would. Is there any chance someone more talented and capable might pick up the option of making a movie for the second book? Maybe it would do better."
She shook her head. "I don't think so; not now anyway," she replied; and then before she could stop herself, she said, "Sometimes it's weird to think that you've read the Nikki Heat books."
"Why?" Johanna asked cautiously. "You know I read his books."
"Yeah; but they weren't about me."
"That's true…and while I've enjoyed all of his books that I've read, I do like Nikki the best."
"You're probably being somewhat biased."
"Maybe, but it's my right as a mother," Johanna replied.
She nodded and shifted in her seat. "You do know that there are parts of those books that are completely fiction…right?"
Her mother eyed her. "Like what…the sex scenes?"
Kate cringed. "I don't even want to think about you reading those."
"I've always read romance novels, Katie; they're not the first ones I've come across but if it makes you feel better, in the case of Nikki, I just kind of skim over those pages and pretend like I don't know who it's about."
"I appreciate that…and it's not about me…I was not a part of the research for that part of the book."
"It's been noted," Johanna replied as she smothered a smile. "Anything else you want to let me in on that I should know is fiction?"
"Yeah…that thing about the trainer…you know what I mean?"
She nodded. "Yes, I know what you're talking about."
"That's completely fiction…and I kind of hate those parts about the trainer."
"Why?" her mother asked gently.
"Because I don't want people thinking I'm a slut," Kate remarked sharply. "And I don't want you reading it and thinking it either."
"Katherine Houghton Beckett, I would never ever think you were such a thing. I didn't raise you to be that way and nothing about you implies that you've changed in morals."
Kate looked away. "I just wanted you to know," she said somewhat tartly. "Some things are just fiction."
"I know," Johanna said as she gentled her tone, quietly chastening herself for flying into mom mode with the usage of the middle name, but she didn't ever want her daughter to think that she considered for a moment that she was a carbon copy of her fictional counterpart. "I always take fiction that's based on someone with a grain of salt. There is such a thing as creative licensing and all authors use it."
"Just so you know," Kate repeated.
"I do."
Silence fell and Johanna felt that small opening of the door closing and she wanted to get her foot back inside it. They were doing alright conversation wise…it wasn't that they didn't have a good conversation from time to time, they did, it was just best if they stuck to topics that didn't get overly personal for the time being. She looked down at the book she was still clutching like an anchor and noted the bargain sticker stuck to the upper right hand corner. "I always feel bad when I see one of my favorite authors in the bargain box," she commented softly. "I mean, I'm glad to find the bargain, but I feel bad for the author…I guess I kind of consider them friends since I spend so much time with their characters. It's always a little sad to see a piece of their work being demoted…I imagine it probably stings a little even though it happens to every book at some point. But still, I can't help feeling a little bad about it…which is probably silly, isn't it?"
"No," her daughter murmured. "I know what you mean…one of Castle's books was in the box with that one."
"It wasn't one of the Nikki Heat books, was it?"
"No; it was one of the Derrick Storm books…but I did feel kind of bad seeing it there…and I know he shops there sometimes."
"It probably would be disappointing for him to see his book in the bargain box."
Kate glanced at her. "I buried it at the bottom of the box so he wouldn't see it if he went in there."
Johanna smiled. "That was nice of you."
"I even made sure to put one of James Patterson's books on top because he'd think that was funny."
"I hope he appreciates the things you do for him," her mother replied.
She smiled a little. "He'd probably say I was just trying to spare myself the lament he'd have to recite about the whole thing."
"And you'd let him recite it," Johanna remarked; "Because that's what we do for the people we care about."
"Yeah, I guess so," she said; her gaze shifting away again; that thought of being too open nagging at her once more.
It grew quiet once more and Johanna shifted her attention to the television as she was at a loss for a new topic to begin. On the screen Entertainment Tonight was giving the rundown of yet another celebrity marriage that had come to an end. The details of discord hit a bit close to home and the argument with Jim that she had been able to put from her mind for a few minutes with her daughter's help came rushing back. His words echoed in her brain on a loop…and her heart twisted every time she thought about how he regretted their marriage and wished he had never met her. She couldn't ever remember him hurting her more…and while she knew that she most likely deserved it, she couldn't stop the pain from coursing through every fiber of her being. He regretted it…the most beautiful precious thing in her life, next to her daughter, and he regretted it. It was his right to do so…but she'd wanted to die when she heard him speak the words aloud.
She swallowed hard; all those memories she had clung to over the past thirteen years, the ones that kept her going, that gave her hope…they were just regrets to him now…and it was all her fault. God she hated herself. Maybe he had been better off without her; after all, she clearly wasn't any good for him; look at what she had done to him. She had left him to keep them all safe and in the process caused him to turn to alcohol as a coping mechanism. She'd done that to him. She'd ruined his life…just like Elizabeth Beckett had always predicted. Her mother-in-law had said from day one that she was trouble, that he would regret getting involved with her. Maybe Elizabeth had some kind of odd sixth sense. Maybe she knew her son had picked a loser. She tried…she tried to be the best wife she could be…and if there was room to regret their entire existence together, then she must've failed even before she had left. Tears filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. She had let him down…disappointed him, hurt him, left him, upended his world with her return. She didn't deserve him and she didn't have any right to try to hold him. He should've moved on and found someone more worthy of him. Someone better than her. He should've taken the opportunity to run that time she got cold feet and called off their engagement…he could've been spared a lot of heartache.
Johanna clutched her book to her chest as she tried not to sob. Jim was the love of her life; her soul mate. She wasn't complete without him…and she would've never left him by choice. She felt like he knew that and yet maybe it didn't matter if it was by choice or not. The damage was done; she'd destroyed everything that had meant anything to her and this was her punishment. She was going to lose him just when she got him back. That was the way her life seemed to go. She was sure that despite the olive branch Kate had offered that she'd be shown the door as soon as the case was closed and she'd be back to being alone. She might be able to sleep better having that weight off her shoulders and conscience but she'd most likely be sleeping alone…because she had a feeling it was over…he wouldn't want to put himself through this, not when they didn't know how things were going to turn out with this case. She didn't blame him…but it was like a knife through her heart over and over as his words cycled through her mind, coupled with the memories she cherished and relied on for so long.
A shuddering breath wracked her slender frame, a soft whimper on her lips that she couldn't control. Kate's gaze darted toward her. "Oh no," she practically whined herself. "What are you crying for now? You were fine, we talked…didn't we talk?"
"Yes," Johanna sniffed.
"And it went okay, didn't it?"
"Yes; I enjoyed it very much," she replied. "I always enjoy it when we have a nice talk."
"Then why are you crying again? I thought you were okay, you even managed to laugh a little while ago."
"I miss him," she cried.
Kate sighed. "Please tell me what this whole thing is about with Dad."
Johanna shook her head. "It can't be that bad, can it?" her daughter asked.
"Yes…it is to me."
Kate picked up her wine glass and downed the rest of its contents. So much for thinking she had gotten her under control emotionally tonight. "I'm sure that whatever it is probably isn't as bad as you think; it'll work out."
"I'm not so sure about that."
"Well that seems to be your nature. Just call him or send him a text."
"No; I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because…I just can't. He doesn't have anything to say to me or we would've heard from him by now."
"He sends me a text to check on us every so often."
Johanna swiped at her cheeks. "That's to make sure you're okay."
"He asks about both of us," she said firmly. "You need to stop this; you're just making yourself sick. Do you want to make your headache worse?"
"No."
"Then stop; it's just a fight; you and Dad have had fights before…you've even given each other the silent treatment before, it always works itself out."
She sniffled and tried desperately to stop her tears but she was failing. Katie didn't have all the details so she didn't understand why this was so different from those occasions she remembered. She also knew that her emotional state irritated her daughter although she was being extremely patient with her. "I'm sorry, Katie," she murmured.
Another sigh crossed Kate's lips as she regarded her mother. A wayward voice in the back of her mind urged her to offer more comfort…to close the distance and hug her…but she dismissed that idea as quickly as it came. They weren't at the hugging stage…she wasn't sure if they ever would be. But she had to do something or they were liable to drown in tears. She reached out and pried one of her mother's hands away from the book and held it. When it didn't seem to help, she held it tighter, covering it with her other hand. "It's going to be fine," she told her. "You know he's going to come around and you'll work it all out and everything will be fine. You're keeping yourself worked up and it's not helping you."
"I know," Johanna whispered as she took the risk of squeezing her daughter's hand.
"I don't think I've ever seen you this upset about something," Kate said quietly.
"I have been; you just didn't see it."
"Don't take this the wrong way but I hope to never see it again."
She sniffled and tried to bring her crying under control as Kate's hands slipped away from hers…and she fought the urge to hang on to her; she knew that she couldn't, that she couldn't press her luck with her child. She was standing on a thin line with her and she was still wobbly, she couldn't take chances by asking for more than she felt able to give. She clutched her book instead. "He hurt me," Johanna murmured softly; hoping it would be enough of an explanation for her turmoil.
Kate met her gaze. "I figured that out on my own."
Johanna's gaze dropped back to her lap, her head throbbing, making her squeeze her eyes shut as her fingers rubbed against her forehead.
"When was the last time you took something for your headache?" Kate asked softly.
"Before you called to say you were going to the store."
Kate got up from the sofa and went into the kitchen. She filled a juice glass with water and shook two tablets out of the Advil bottle and carried them back to the living room. "Take your medicine," she told her mother as she stood in front of her and held the pills out to her.
Johanna dutifully took the pills and water offered to her, knowing that it wasn't going to help much but she didn't want to upset Kate by saying so.
"Why don't you try to read your book," her daughter suggested as she gave a nod to the hardback she had given her as she settled back into her place on the sofa.
"I can't."
Confusion furrowed Kate's brow. "Why not? Did you misplace your glasses?"
"No…I just can't stand to read when I have a migraine," she answered softly. "Believe me, I'd love nothing more than to dive into this book and let it distract me but I just can't."
"Maybe I should take you to the doctor," Kate replied. "When you can't read and lay on the couch all day and only get up to make dinner, something's very wrong."
Johanna gave a slight shake of her head. "There's no need for that. I'm fine; it just has to run its course. Your father always read to me when my head hurt enough to keep me from reading to myself," she murmured.
"Didn't that make it worse?"
"No; he always talked low and kept his tone soft."
Kate saw the melancholy and wistfulness sweep across her mother's face and realized that she wasn't just upset about whatever went down between them…she was also missing the comfort that she craved from her husband. She toyed with the hem of her shirt. She could easily recall how much her father doted on her mother anytime she as so much as sniffled. She felt like a poor substitute…and yet despite herself, she reached over and pried the book out of her mother's hands; her mother trying to hold on to it as if it was the only thing she had left in the world.
"I'm not taking it back," she told her, managing to get it away from her. "I'm just going to read it to you."
"You're going to read to me?" Johanna asked; the thought in mind that her daughter must be very desperate to stop her tears.
Kate nodded and opened the cover of the book. "I figure it's time Stephanie and I got better acquainted," she stated. "After all, we're kind of in the same business, I'm a cop, she's a bounty hunter…we both chase after criminals. And you're right, I shouldn't be judging her based on a movie…I wouldn't want people judging Nikki based on that disaster of a movie that was made for her, so…."
"You're sure you want to do this?" her mother asked softly.
"Yeah…just don't tell anyone I read bedtime stories…I have an image to maintain."
"That's what your father always said."
Kate mentally slapped herself; she wasn't supposed to be reminding her of the person whose absence was being keenly felt. "I guess one of his genes slipped into the blood stream after all."
"More than one," Johanna commented. "But he'd rather blame me for all of your traits."
"Well it doesn't matter, you're probably both at fault but we shouldn't keep Stephanie waiting."
Johanna gave a slight nod and fell silent, knowing that Kate wasn't willing to stretch the conversation too far tonight. Her daughter softened her tone as she began to read aloud and she made her troubled mind focus on her voice and the words she was reading, willing her body to relax a little.
Kate had read several chapters of the book by the time her throat was starting to protest. She glanced at her mother and saw that she was dozing lightly, as she had been on and off for the last two chapters. She searched for something to mark the page, wishing she had thought to buy her mother a bookmark. The candy wrapper from the pack of Reese Cups Johanna had opened would have to suffice. She grabbed it from the coffee table and stuck it in the book to mark their place and then laid the book down on the vacant cushion between them. Kate moved quietly as she got up, tiptoeing to the guest room to turn down the covers on the bed. With her task completed she returned to the living room, pausing as she stopped in front of her mother. She hated to wake her but she couldn't leave her curled in the corner of the sofa like that all night. She reached out hesitantly and gently wrapped her hand around her mother's upper arm and gave her a shake. "Hey," she said softly. "Wake up."
Johanna didn't stir and she frowned, apparently her mother had slipped into a deeper sleep than she had thought. "Wake up and go to bed," Kate stated as she shook her again. Her mother's eyes didn't open, but her face turned away from the sound of her voice. She sighed, the word 'Mom' almost slipping from her lips but she pulled it back just in time. It was somewhat difficult though not to call her something…but she couldn't see herself addressing her as Johanna…and calling her by the name the government had given her only seemed spiteful and caused her mother to cry even more than she already did. She wasn't quite ready to call her 'mom' though…and she figured that she was probably going to have to give 'mother' some more thought so that she'd have something to address her as.
Kate shook her again and then tapped her fingers against her cheek. Her mother stirred. "Jim?" she mumbled sleepily, her eyes still closed.
"No, it's me, your daughter…remember, twenty-two hours of labor?"
Johanna nodded; her eyes flicking open and Kate didn't miss the small flicker of disappointment in them that her husband wasn't the one standing in front of her. "Do you have to go to work?" Johanna asked tiredly.
"No; but it's time to go to bed," she told her, surprising both of them by taking Johanna's hand and giving it a gentle tug to make her abandon her spot on the sofa.
Johanna rose slowly, her unoccupied hand reaching for her book and clutching it to her.
"You're not going to sleep with that, are you?" Kate asked, somewhat amused by her mother's attachment to the book as she picked up her phone for her.
"No, I just want it in case I wake up in the middle of the night and feel like I can read a little," she answered as her daughter kept hold of her hand and guided her to the guest room.
"If you read more, I expect to be filled in at breakfast," her daughter remarked as she laid her phone on the nightstand. "I'm invested now."
Johanna gave her a sleepy smile as she slipped out of her robe and laid it at the foot of the bed. "I promise."
"Try to sleep though," Kate ordered while Johanna settled into bed. She didn't mention that she had heard her crying in the middle of the night the night before. She deserved her privacy and Kate knew how much she worried about disturbing her.
"I'll try," Johanna murmured.
Kate clicked off the lamp as her mother pulled the covers up over her. "Goodnight," she said softly.
"Goodnight, Katie…thank you for reading to me."
"It was nothing," she murmured. "Go to sleep."
Johanna closed her eyes, sensing that her daughter feared she had offered too much and that she would now expect more from her. She wouldn't though; she didn't allow herself to believe that Kate's feelings had changed. A few calm conversations didn't change things. They still had their squabbles and moments of unease; she still picked up on Kate's frustration with her at times. She wouldn't do anything to upset the applecart. She would, however, despite her earlier musing that Kate would send her packing as soon as possible, hang on to the small glimmer of hope that maybe one day things could be okay between them.
Kate padded from the room, softly closing the door behind her. She went back to the living room and carried the empty glasses and snack bowl to the kitchen and put them in the sink. She made sure the door was locked and then grabbed her phone before turning off the lights and heading to her own bedroom.
She settled into bed with a heavy mind. The case was still at a standstill and keeping that disappointment from her mother in light of her emotional turmoil wasn't always easy. She was frustrated with the lack of leads and the lack of momentum but it wasn't her mother's fault…although she knew she had already made her feel like it partly was by the way she had demanded that she remember something that would be useful. She didn't want to risk making that feeling worse… and more than that, she didn't want to feel like she was failing her.
Kate sighed and shoved those thoughts away and more worrisome thoughts entered her mind to take their place. Had she opened the door too wide tonight in regard to her mother? She wasn't sure how to feel about the evening they had spent together. Would her mother think it meant that her feelings had changed? Would she expect more of her now? Would she go back to pushing things… trying to force her to listen to another round of apologies, explanations, and pleading? She hoped not. She was okay with things being more at ease between them…but she didn't want her to think that it made everything go away…because it didn't.
She rolled over and punched the pillow. Why did she feel like some of the ice had cracked? Why had she given in to the urge to comfort her mother? It only made a mess of her feelings. She didn't want to get too close again…she needed a bit of a wall between them…and yet it felt like Johanna Beckett was scaling it, despite her fear of heights, despite pulling back in her efforts and settling down from that overwhelming state of desperation she had been in when she first came home. Kate didn't know what she was supposed to do…all she could think of was that she'd have to pull back some tomorrow. She could be the caretaker and still maintain a little detachment.
Kate scrubbed her hands over her face; why wasn't it easy to convince herself of that? She groaned quietly, it just seemed to keep getting more complicated. She had to put a little bit of that distance back in the morning. But then there was also that other worry…the one about how her mother seemed to be making herself sick over this mysterious argument. She'd give her another day and see how she did. If there wasn't any improvement, she'd ask Lanie to make a house call…and if her friend wasn't available, then she'd take her to one of those urgent care clinics where they'd probably fly under the radar.
With that detail settled, Kate pushed the rest of her worries away and forced her body to relax enough to sleep. She'd have plenty of time to worry tomorrow…and hopefully her father would make a comeback soon…despite that text she had gotten about them all needing space from one another. She sighed, yet another thing she was keeping from her mother in regard to her emotional state. If her father didn't come back soon, they were going to have to have words…because it wasn't fair to leave her to pick up the pieces of his destruction. A deeper sigh crossed her lips; all she could do was hope that tomorrow would be a better day.
A/N: If you want to read or re-read the deleted scene where Kate called Lanie in to check on her mother, it was posted separately last year and is called 'Concern'.