A/N: I admit, this scene came to me out of the blue; I don't know why but it suddenly needed written for this timeframe of Kate and Johanna's relationship. Since this doesn't come from one of my stacks of Apologize notebooks (where there are still scenes waiting to be cleaned up, finished and published) I can't exactly say which chapter it fits into, but I feel comfortable saying it fits into the scheme of the early to mid 20s chapters of the story where things were getting better between the Beckett women.
Deleted Scene-Hiding In the Shadows
Kate leaned against the wall near the threshold of the living, keeping to the shadows of the hallway as she watched her mother. Johanna Beckett was hiding in the shadows tonight as well, she mused, her eyes still pinned on the figure who sat perched on the arm of the couch, her body turned so that she could stare out the window into the night that had wrapped itself around the city. The television was off, an unusual circumstance, Kate thought, but she made no move to step into the room. Her eyes had adjusted well enough that she could see clearly and the flat glow of street lights peeked through the blind her mother had opened and illuminated her enough to give her a view of her face.
It wasn't the first time she had found her mother like this. It also wasn't the first time that she had bit back the words chastening her for opening a blind at two in the morning. Danger could be lurking in every corner…someone out there could be watching…and yet the words didn't roll off her tongue. She couldn't find it within her to break the silence of the room…to poke holes into the odd sanctuary her mother seemed to have created for herself in the silent shadows of the night. Her head bowed for a moment, wondering briefly if she was treading on the woman's privacy by keeping a vigil in the hallway.
A soft rustle jerked Kate's gaze back to the living room, seeing that Johanna had shifted a little, making herself more comfortable on her perch. She could see her well enough but she couldn't see the green of her eyes…and yet she knew even from a distance that her mother was far away tonight, locked in some thought, memory or anguish that she was clearly keeping to herself. She shouldn't be surprised…after all; she had relaxed the sharing limits but probably hadn't given her a clear green light in some respects in her mother's way of thinking. They were taking baby steps; things were getting better despite her trying to rail against it for the first few weeks…but her mother seemed to have found her footing, cast off her initial feeling of desperation that had led to excessive pushing and argumentative behavior. Johanna had found her course of action and she was sticking to it, prodding carefully, nudging instead of outright pushing, taking what she was given and asking for no more. It was more effective than she would like to admit, Kate thought to herself, but the wounds that had been ripped open were starting to scab, longings were overtaking the angry need to wound…and her mother's presence, despite being worrying and sometimes exasperating, was soothing…and much more welcome than it had been at first.
She suppressed the urge to sigh, not wanting to draw attention to herself and not wanting to delve too much into her thoughts concerning her rapidly softening demeanor toward her mother. But the fact remained…she was softening…it scared her…it also gave her a feeling of relief and lifted some kind of burden from her shoulders. Perhaps hatred was too big of a ruse for her to carry. She wasn't completely over it…she never would be; and there were still moments when she wanted to shove the woman away and run, hide behind as many walls as she could construct and make her mother stick to some kind of distant, disinterested relationship that some mothers and daughters had.
But they had never had that type of relationship…far from it. In fact she was sure that her mother couldn't even fathom what a disinterested mother daughter relationship was. Her mother believed in all sorts of things, guardian angels, ghosts, silly superstitions about bad luck coming in threes and she had even once proclaimed that she didn't rule out the idea that there might indeed be fairies…somewhere in Ireland dancing under rainbows. Kate smiled, her mother liked fairy tales…even proclaimed to believe in those, with their happily ever afters and their princes on white steeds who rescued fair maidens. Yes, she believed in a lot of things…so had she, once upon a time, before her illusions were shattered, first at the hands of her grandmother when it came to holiday idols, and later by the hand that life had dealt her. In Kate's way of thinking, her mother's illusions should be thoroughly shattered by now as well…but she knew better. Johanna Beckett most likely still believed in fairy tales…but she was certain that her mother did not believe in that distant mother daughter relationship thing.
No…that wouldn't be allowed; not now that she was home, when it was clear she intended to stay, God willing. Kate wasn't sure if she should be grateful for her mother's persistence or exasperated…maybe both…a little of both seemed fitting and she could accept that. But that wasn't why she stood in the shadows of the hallway that night…and the other nights when she'd catch her staring out at the world as it toned itself down so those who weren't insomniacs could rest.
She kept watch because she couldn't help but wonder what Johanna was thinking as she sat and stared into the night instead of sleeping. Hiding in the shadows allowed her to search her mother's face for clues as to what was going on in her head…but Johanna wasn't a puzzle that was easily solved. Kate frowned, squinting a bit to sharpen her focus despite knowing it was futile. She had always thought that her mother was an open book…but she was discovering that there were chapters she knew nothing about; that details of others had been whitewashed for suitable telling to a young girl with questions. She didn't hold that against her, after all, the story she now knew about how her parents ended up together wasn't a story that could be easily told to eight year old Katie who was looking for a fairy tale and wouldn't have been able to understand the complexities of the relationship her parents had been in prior to their obtaining an official status.
But despite her understanding of those things, of accepting that she was coming to know her as a woman and not just her mother, she couldn't help but think that Johanna Beckett had walls of her own…and there was this odd part of her that wanted to know how to scale them and she couldn't quite figure out how to do it. She supposed that was a bit of a comeuppance for her, given her own walls and how difficult she made it for people to scale them. Like mother, like daughter, she thought to herself, managing to halt the scoff that came to her lips.
Kate gave a soft shake of her head; best not to dwell on that despite the more settled nature of their relationship. Instead she redirected her thoughts to what it was that her mother could be thinking about in the dark at this time of night. Was she thinking about the case? Her worries, her fears…her regrets? Or was she trying to avoid those thoughts that plagued her so much in the daylight? Was she thinking of simpler times? Maybe a childhood memory she held dear, was she missing her brother and sister? There was no question that she missed her mother; Kate knew that without a doubt. The loss of Naomi McKenzie had ripped a hole in Johanna's soul so deep that she was sure the wound had never healed…that the scab probably got ripped off occasionally and set her to grieving again…not that she had ever stopped. She did sigh softly that time, she missed her grandmother…wished she was still with them not only for her sake but for her mother's; but that was out of their hands…although she did share Johanna's belief that somewhere out there, Naomi was watching over them, she had to be, how else could they still be there when so many were trying to obliterate them?
Perhaps Johanna was thinking of her father…Frank was a topic she didn't like to discuss much if she could help it; leaving Kate with the pieces of a mystery she'd like to solve. What hadn't she been aware of in the relationship of Frank McKenzie and his eldest daughter? Her grandfather had been a loving man toward her…but apparently he hadn't been all that loving to her mother and she didn't understand why. What had they shielded her from during the eight years Frank McKenzie had been in her life? She wondered if she'd ever know; and yet she doubted that the man was on her mother's mind that night…her expression didn't carry that hint of anguish that it usually held when Frank McKenzie was on her mind.
Maybe her mother was recalling her college days…and whatever mischief she and Sharon had gotten themselves into in those days…because Kate was sure there was mischief lurking somewhere in that timeframe of her mother's life along with those long ago admitted to parties where she had danced the night away. Maybe she was thinking of the early days of her career, her continued friendship with Sharon, who had become her secretary and Maggie, a fellow colleague who had made the duo into a trio for over a decade; not to mention the fact that she had been married to Jeff.
Those were all plausible notions for what might be on her mother's mind; but somewhere deep in her heart, Kate knew that the person Johanna was so intently thinking about could be no one else but her husband. She shifted silently, readjusting her position as she sank back further into the shadows. Yes, there was no real question about it; the person who was most likely to consume her mother's thoughts was no other than Jim Beckett. She smiled a little; her parents love was something that seemed unbreakable, despite the obstacles, the hard times, an agonizing lie and separation for thirteen years…but it held steady; it showed no signs of breaking. Their bond seemed to be made of steel; their hearts so entwined with one another that while they could function without each other, they couldn't really live. It was a love she envied and wanted for herself; the one she measured all relationships by…she couldn't settle for anything less than what her parents had.
Kate stared harder; searching for a tell tale sign of a soft smile curving the woman's lips in remembrance, but she saw nothing but the flutter of lashes, the lowering of her head, her dark hair shielding her face for a moment as she mourned whatever memory she had been reliving. Suddenly she felt awkward for standing there, clearly she was invading a private moment; her mother might be living in her home but she had a right to her privacy; and a right not to be gawked at while she indulged in it. Lightning flashed outside, lighting up the living room, the sound of a summer storm winding up suddenly assaulting her ears; obliterating the quiet as a low rumble of thunder rolled over the city, rain drops pelting the windows without warning.
"Don't stare, Katie," Johanna said softly. "Just come in and sit down if you want."
Her mother's voice startled her and she flinched, her body jerking backwards, causing her to step on the creakiest spot of the hallway floor, the sound colliding with the rumble of thunder that cracked overhead.
"I didn't mean to scare you," Johanna stated; her tone still whiskey soft; her gaze still upon the window.
"How did you know I was there?" Kate asked as she crept out of the shadows.
"I told you before; you're like your father, you stare hard," Johanna remarked as Kate slipped into place at the opposite end of the sofa.
"I do not."
"You do too; I can feel your eyes boring into me from a mile away…you get that not only from your father but from your grandmother too."
"Grandma Naomi?"
Johanna glanced at her. "No."
Kate grimaced a little. "The implication of that statement isn't very nice…even if I do love Grandma Beckett."
"You better love her," her mother replied. "The last thing we need is for her to start haunting us."
"Agreed; and I'll overlook your comparison statement."
"You're nice like that," Johanna quipped lightly but Kate could see the hint of melancholy lingering in her eyes.
She allowed silence to fall between them as the storm carried on outside, her mother's attention still on the window.
"Why are you up?" Johanna finally asked after a few minutes.
"To check on things," she answered. "Why are you up?"
Her mother was silent, and Kate had given up hope of her answering after a few minutes but then she spoke, her tone a whisper, nearly drowned out by the rain pelting the glass of the windows.
"I've never gotten used to sleeping without him."
The statement slammed into Kate's heart and she blinked rapidly, forcing back the unexpected tears that stung her eyes.
"I didn't sleep for days when I first had to go away," Johanna murmured. "I didn't eat…my stomach kept trying to rebel but there was nothing there to empty and I didn't sleep. I couldn't…and when exhaustion finally forced me into it, I dreamed of him and I kept reaching for him…and not finding him woke me and tore me apart all over again."
Kate's teeth sunk into her bottom lip; emotion gnawing at her as she stayed quiet, allowing her mother to speak her piece.
"It's always been like that, all these years…I go to sleep but sometime in the middle of the night, I reach for him, searching for his warmth or his arms, his chest to lay my head on so I can listen to his heartbeat. My heart and my body knows he's supposed to be there, and they make a concentrated effort to seek him out in the dark…and when he's not there…well, it's never lost it's devastating effect. I get to sleep next to him once in awhile now…but when I don't…it's always the same; always reaching out and finding emptiness where there's supposed to be him…his warmth, his love, his security. I just don't sleep well without him; time can't change that, nor do I want it to as I fully intend to get back to sleeping in my own bed with him next to me as it's supposed to be. But tonight he's not here…and I miss him."
"I'm sorry," Kate murmured as she shifted closer, her fingers reaching out and gently curling around her mother's.
"It's alright…I suppose I should be used to it…and maybe he'll stay tomorrow night if he doesn't have something he needs to do."
"He didn't want to go to Uncle Michael's tonight for dinner but he has to keep up appearances."
"I know," Johanna said softly. "I'm not holding it against him; I just always miss him."
Her daughter gave a slight nod. "I guess I could get you a teddy bear."
Johanna gave a short quiet laugh. "It's not quite the same."
"We'll spray Dad's cologne on it…or you can steal one of his shirts."
"I have a long history of that," her mother admitted.
Kate smiled a little. "I remember that you'd snag one once in awhile…especially if he was out of town."
Johanna nodded. "We weren't even dating the first time I took one of his shirts," she murmured.
"Then how did you get his shirt?" Kate asked with a raised brow.
Her mother smiled. "We went on vacation together and I picked it up with some of my stuff while packing to go home."
"You went on vacation together before you were dating?"
"Yes; but that's a story for another time."
Kate took the hint that it was a memory her mother preferred to keep to herself for now…perhaps it was one she had been thinking of while she stared into the night.
"When we were dating and engaged, I used to sneak into his apartment late at night when I couldn't sleep," Johanna whispered.
"Really?"
"Mhmm," she answered, a small smile playing on her lips. "Sometimes I could slip into bed unnoticed…and other times I'd fall asleep while he was lecturing me about being out late at night."
"That sounds like Dad," Kate said with a soft laugh.
"I wish I had that luxury now…I wish I could rewind the clock and go sneak into bed with him so I could sleep without worry…or if I still had to be awake, at least he'd be near…I could hold on to him."
The longing and anguish in her tone was heart wrenching and it was almost too much for Kate to bear; the momentary thought of loading the both of them up in car and heading for home for a peaceful night's sleep a little too tempting. She shook it off, she couldn't let her mother get into that habit and she couldn't suddenly decide to take up residence in her old bedroom. They had to stay there in her apartment, where they were being watched by numerous patrols; where help could reach them quicker if needed.
"I'd take you home if I could," Kate said softly; giving her mother's fingers a squeeze.
"I know, Katie; don't mind me, I get melancholy on nights like these."
"It's okay," she whispered. "It's not like I don't know that you miss him every second he's not here…I've seen you cry when he leaves."
"I'm sorry," Johanna said sheepishly. "It probably seems silly."
Kate shook her head. "You love him."
"With all my heart."
"He'll stay tomorrow," her daughter promised.
"How can you be so sure?"
Kate smiled. "I'll put him under arrest if he doesn't cooperate."
Johanna laughed; a flash of lightning showing that her features had lightened, some of the melancholy swept away. "I like that as a backup plan."
"But will Dad?" she quipped.
"It'll be his own fault…it'll teach him to cooperate," her mother said lightly.
"I don't think you have to worry," Kate murmured. "I doubt you'd have to ask twice. He wants to be with you too."
"I know; it's just that some nights are harder than others."
"Why?" she couldn't help but ask.
"Because the heart wants what it wants…and sometimes the longings can't be quelled…especially when you've already spent too many nights alone," Johanna whispered.
"It won't be for much longer," she told her.
"At least we hope."
It grew quiet between them, both of them giving their attention to the storm outside for several minutes until a question spilled from Kate's lips before she could even think about it. "Do you still believe in fairy tales?" she asked softly. "All that stuff about happily ever after and princes on white steeds that save fair maidens?"
"Yes," her mother answered without any hesitation. "I still believe."
"Why?"
Johanna breathed deeply and exhaled slowly. "Because he saved me."
Puzzlement furrowed Kate's brow. "A Prince?"
"In my eyes, he's a King," she said softly. "A King among men; the finest I ever found…he saved me, proved to me that I wasn't wrong to believe."
"You mean Dad?"
Johanna nodded. "It couldn't be anyone else; now could it?"
"No, I guess not…but I'm guessing he didn't have a white steed."
"No; he had a blue Camaro," she said with a wistful smile.
"You didn't mind the deviation?"
She shook her head. "No; I loved his Camaro."
Kate smiled a little; more questions filling her mind. "What was it that he saved you from?"
"Myself," Johanna answered softly. "He saved me from myself."
"What do you mean?"
Kate could see that far away look sweeping across her mother's features once more as the question hung between them.
"He snuck around all of my defenses without me even realizing it for a good while," Johanna remarked. "Despite wanting to have a family one day, I kind of had this habit of shunning serious relationships. I'd go out with someone for awhile and when it would start to be serious or they'd want more then I wanted to give, I'd end it, or wait until they got tired of me putting things off and they'd end it, and I'd spend several more months not dating anyone and a big part of me was fine with that. I had law school work to tend to and then after that I had a new career to get off the ground…I didn't need anything serious distracting me; at least that's what I always told myself."
"Why?" Kate asked.
"Because…someone hurt me…and I didn't want to hurt that way again."
The implication was clear and it was odd for Kate to think of her mother loving someone other than Jim Beckett so seriously…and yet suddenly she wanted and needed to know about this part of her mother's life. "Who? When?"
"When I was a stupid, foolish college girl," her mother answered. "Although some could make the argument that I haven't shed the stupidity part even at this age."
"That's not true," her daughter replied. "But what happened?"
A hint of a wry smile touched Johanna's lips as she gave a soft shake of her head. "A tale that's been around since the beginning of time…stupid girl meets rich, handsome guy…he says all the right things and makes all the right moves…and stupid girl falls for them despite the warning signs."
"What signs?"
"You probably don't want to know, Katie."
"I kind of do."
"When I started dating him, he wanted to pressure me…"
"About?"
Johanna shot her a look. "I think you know…we had that talk when you were a teenager."
"Sex," Kate said with a nod.
"Yeah…I told him I didn't want to rush into that; I wanted to go slow."
"What happened?"
"He waited a little while and then got me so drunk that I didn't even remember what had happened when I woke up with him the next morning…I remembered leaving the party with him and going back to his room…but after that, it was a blank…but it was obvious what had happened."
"Bastard," Kate muttered.
"Yeah; he was that," Johanna agreed; "And I was so upset and angry and ready to end it right there and then he said that it had only happened because he loved me…and stupid here fell for that and stayed with him for another twenty-two months."
"Really?" her daughter asked, cringing slightly at the idea.
"Yeah…he kept saying all those pretty words…making me think I was special…and some extremely stupid part of me even thought that he was going to marry me one day. God I was stupid," Johanna said with disdain. "It's embarrassing to admit to you how stupid I was, even though I kind of alluded to some of this when we had our special talk…I just took out a lot of details."
"You have a habit of that apparently."
"Yeah, well, what can I say, I didn't want to taint your mind…now you're grown up and a cop and I figure not much surprises you anymore."
"True," Kate said with a nod. "But what happened with the Bastard…that's what I'm going to call him since you didn't give me a name."
"His name was Cade but Bastard is an acceptable alternative."
"Cade," her daughter replied; "Practically screams self absorbed jackass."
"Yeah, I should've realized that sooner, but I was young and clearly not very bright when it came to men. At the end of our relationship I found out that he had been cheating on me for six months…and that he didn't love me…and he had a real good laugh about me thinking that we were going to get married one day. He told me that he had only kept me around because I was convenient…that it had been fun but I was just another notch on his bedpost; I wasn't the first and I wouldn't the last. He flaunted his perky little nurse in my face every chance he got; made me a laughingstock for daring to think that I was good enough to marry him when I didn't have the right pedigree for his family. It wasn't an easy time to get through…I loved him and he destroyed me for a long time. I didn't want to trust a man again; I didn't want to make the same mistakes…I didn't want to get hurt again by getting too close."
Kate shifted in her seat; this was beginning to feel oddly familiar…different circumstances but the same end game…and yet her curiosity couldn't be quelled…and she couldn't help but notice that while wrapped in the shadows of the night, her mother didn't seem to be too worried about what she said or expressed, she didn't offer any outs in case someone wanted to abandon her line of conversation. Instead it was Kate who found herself choosing her words with care. "But Dad changed your mind?"
Johanna nodded. "Yes; but like I said, he snuck past my defenses and before I knew it I was so far gone there was no coming back," she said with a soft laugh. "It took me a little over two years to finally totally accept that I was in love with him, despite our 'more than friends' relationship…and it took me another nine months or so after that revelation to convince him that we were worth the risk…but when we finally got there…I knew it was where I was meant to be. I was still scared…but I knew I'd found my place."
Kate tried to keep her squirming discreet…that sentiment was hitting home a little more than she liked to think about at the moment regarding her own relationship.
"So you see, he saved me," Johanna went on softly. "Not just in the sense of closing myself off from relationships…but in a lot of little ways. He saved me and he made me a better person…he healed me…he made me believe that I was something more than I had originally thought I was. He changed my world; he challenged me and loved me and drove me crazy and fought me and made me angry…and every time I was ready to rip my hair out in aggravation, he'd kiss me and call me sweetheart and I'd forgive him."
"It couldn't be any other way."
"No, it couldn't be…so, yes, I still believe in fairy tales…because my mother always told me that one day my prince would come…and he did; he came with a law degree and a blue Camaro and he saw something in me that no one else did; loves me in a way no one else can or even hope to…and I love him more than he can imagine…more than anyone else ever could."
"I guess with proof like that, fairy tales are hard to disprove despite the world trying to make it seem as though they don't exist," Kate murmured.
"They exist; never doubt that, Katie. Don't let anyone disabuse you of the idea of magic in the world. It's there; you just have to stumble across it one day when you're not really looking for it."
"I figured you'd pull that old 'because I said so' card," her daughter replied, a touch of lightness in her tone.
"That too," Johanna said with a nod.
A loud crack of thunder sounded, making them both flinch as the storm intensified. The rain pounded against the window, making it difficult to see the world outside and yet her mother still gazed at it, a smile touching her lips as her phone buzzed in the pocket of her robe. "He knows I'm awake," she whispered.
Kate laughed softly. "How do you know?"
"Well, for one, who else would text me at this time of night and two, it's storming. He knows that thunder and lightning always wakes me," her mother answered as she pulled her phone from her pocket. She opened the message and smiled before handing the phone to her daughter. "See, I told you so."
Kate glanced at the screen, reading the message that her father had sent. "How long did it take for this storm to wake you up? Are you planted in front of the window to watch it…or do you remember me telling you not to do that because it isn't safe?" "Yeah; he definitely knows you," she remarked, handing the phone back, smiling a little as her mother moved off the arm of the couch to take a seat on a cushion instead, most likely in deference to her husband's remark.
"He does," Johanna replied, her fingers rapidly tapping out a reply.
Kate waited a moment to see if the phone would buzz again in response, and when it did, she rose from the couch. "I'll leave you two alone," she murmured warmly.
Her mother smiled at her. "You don't have to go…although you do need your rest."
"I respect your privacy," she remarked. "Despite lurking in the hallway."
"It's alright," Johanna assured. "I've found that some things are easier in the dark of night…it's an inherited trait, I'm afraid…your father and I always had a habit of having serious talks either in a car or at midnight."
"I wonder why that is?"
"Your father always told me that things look different at night when it's quieter…for me, I guess I've always had the thought that things are easier at night because you have the shadows to hide in…you feel like people can't see your vulnerabilities as well in the dark, and if they do see them, there's something about the night that makes them more understanding. Maybe it's a combination of both of our beliefs…maybe it's something no one understands, but it's there just the same."
Kate gave a nod. "I think it's both theories…but maybe we can save that for the next time."
"Sounds good to me; goodnight, Katie."
"Goodnight," she said softly; "Enjoy your text messages…I know it's not the same as him being here, but at least it's something."
Johanna smiled. "Something is definitely better than nothing…and it does help."
Kate murmured one last goodnight and retreated back through the shadows of the apartment, leaving her mother to indulge in her late night talks…and she couldn't help but wonder how many nights her parents indulged in this habit to bridge the gap between them when they so desperately wanted to be together. She shrugged the thought off as she made her way back to her bed; it wasn't any of her business. A glance at the clock told her that she was going to be dragging when it came time to get up; but she couldn't find it within herself to regret it; she'd had a good talk with her mother, learned something new about her…and accepted that there was no running from the adage 'like mother, like daughter'. She smiled in the darkness; it wasn't an unpleasant thought like it had been a few weeks before.