A/N: This scene would take place in the midst of late chapter 7 and early chapter 8; in those chapters, Johanna is grazed by a bullet as she and Jim return back to her hotel after a dinner date. This scene is centered on their evening before the shooting and a glimpse afterwards at the hospital that didn't make it into Apologize.
Chapter 11- Up In Smoke
As Jim stood in front of the mirror and tried to tie his tie, his fingers fumbled, making him frown even as anticipation built within him. He started over and fumbled once more, shaking his head as he did so; he hadn't had this much trouble with his tie since he was a teenager. Maybe he should just take the damn thing with him and let Johanna do it. Jim breathed deeply. "Johanna", his mind whispered. He was accustomed to that whisper carrying anguish and need…but now it was filled with anticipation and awe. It had been a month since she reappeared in his life. A month chalk full of questions, anger, wonder. A month spent with her, adjusting to the fact that the impossible had happened and his world had been returned to him.
He allowed his tie to hang limply around his neck as his head bowed and he griped the edge of the sink, his eyes closing as he let it wash over him once again. His world…his wife…his most prized possession that had been cruelly stolen from him, ripping away the very fiber of his being. But she was there now, in a manner of speaking; not at home yet, but on the same earthly plane as him…the same city, just a short drive away. Life no longer felt quite so empty and dull. Those splashes of color that Johanna always brought to his world were slowly returning, his heart feeling more alive every time he saw her. A small smile tugged at his lips, he loved her…loved her more than life itself. Some bandit could steal every treasure in the world from the Hope Diamond to the Mona Lisa and he wouldn't care as long as he still had his Johanna. She could outshine any diamond in his eyes and she had her own coy smile that could light his world on fire in an instant.
Jim breathed deeply once more and exhaled; the only problem with this newfound sense of the world righting itself was that they didn't know what the future held. He wasn't a fool, he knew deep down that the past would come back to haunt them; that there wasn't any way in hell that the nameless monster who had caused the downfall of their lives was going to just let her waltz back into New York and resume her life as if nothing had ever happened. His stomach knotted at the thought and yet it didn't dampen his determination to keep her now that she had returned to him. Whatever happened, they'd find a way to deal with it and overcome it…and if she had to run again, well, he'd just go with her, there wasn't any other solution. He swallowed hard; there wouldn't be any hesitation to run away with her; he'd go with only a moment's warning just so he could be with her…but his worries ran deeper. What if they tried to kill her again and no one was there to save her…what if he wasn't there.
"No," he murmured with a shake of his head. No; he wasn't going to think about that at all. God wouldn't be cruel enough to give him his wife back for a few short weeks and then rip him apart all over again. He refused to believe it was an option. He'd protect her, it would all be fine.
There were better things to think about tonight he thought to himself as his fingers toyed with his tie once more. He had a dinner date with his wife. Their first dinner date since they had been reunited. He wanted this to be a nice evening; he wanted to take Johanna's mind off of things for awhile and enjoy themselves. He wanted to revel in time spent with his wife…a date night that was so long overdue that it almost felt like their first date all over again. The light caught on his wedding band as he pulled his tie off in slight aggravation with it, feeling like a nervous teenager over a date with a woman he had already dated, married and had a child with. Jim couldn't help but laugh quietly; that's just what she did to him…what she had always been capable of and clearly still was. After a month of visits to her room and lunches, he had finally given in to the need for something a little more and had asked her to dinner. He wanted it to go well…maybe if it went the way he hoped…maybe tonight he'd kiss her; give in to that yearning and kiss her the way he had been wanting to for the past thirteen years. If things went well… maybe he could stay…just to hold her for awhile…he'd have to be careful not to push too far; they still needed to go slow…but he craved more of the intimacy that they had always shared.
Staying with her for the night sounded so appealing, Jim mused as he turned his tie over in his hands. It would feel good to hold her; to breathe in her scent, feel her warmth…feel her skin beneath his fingertips. His hands tightened around his tie. He really shouldn't allow himself to drift too far down that road of thought. They had to go slow…and yet he wanted to rush headlong into everything; wanted to take back what was his and have everything the way it always had been. He just wanted to run headlong into that well of feelings without care or regard for whatever happened next. He just wanted her. He just wanted his wife; wanted their life back.
One thing at a time, his mind reminded him. One thing at a time…they were still adjusting, still stepping carefully around one another…still finding their way. A dinner date was a good promotion…and if it went well, that kiss he had been longing for…and he'd still like to stay and hold her…fall asleep there on purpose. It was a good plan.
Jim shook his head, trying to shake away the cobwebs; his mind was too full and he still hadn't gotten that damn tie on. He'd just have Johanna do it, he thought as he shoved it into the pocket of his suit jacket. She was good at tying his tie when his fingers didn't cooperate; she could do it so well…and he had to admit, sometimes he asked her to do it just because he liked to watch her; liked how close she'd be, her scent filling his senses…that he could easily steal a kiss…the feel of her hand as she smoothed the tie down, her fingers dancing against his chest for a moment as she allowed her touch to linger, branding him for the whole day. Yes, he'd let her do it…just so he could feel that magic again; to see if she could still tie it as swiftly as she had always done…of course she had always been good at untying it as well, his traitorous brain reminded him.
"Stop it," he told himself as he turned off the bathroom light and headed back to the bedroom to grab his phone and his keys. "One thing at a time," he repeated. Just one thing at a time; dinner and a goodnight kiss…and possibly staying without pushing for anything beyond holding her. He could do that…after all, all he had to do was look back to the beginning when they had met…they played the waiting game then, they could do it again. It worked out before; there was no reason why it wouldn't this time. Everything would be fine…better if dinner went well; but he couldn't put that kind of pressure on himself or the evening as a whole, Jim reminded himself. Just one step at a time tonight…and then there could be more; he could have a small taste of everything they both wanted.
"Damn it," Johanna muttered softly as her tube of mascara slipped from her fingers and fell into the sink. She squeezed her eyes shut, feeling the sting of tears and she felt ridiculous for it. There was no call for tears; she should be happy, her husband wanted to take her on a dinner date. That was progress. That meant she could allow her feeling of hope to grow. Her hands shouldn't be shaking like she had never been out with him before. Good lord, she had dated him; she had married him and had given birth to his child. He'd seen her at her best and at her worst, there shouldn't be nerves…and yet there was. She felt like her life hinged on this evening; that if it didn't go perfectly he might change his mind. He might pull away and be distant…and her heart would shatter.
Johanna gripped the sink and took a steadying breath; she was so afraid of losing him again. The fear was so great that it nearly choked her at times. She just couldn't lose him again, not when she had finally broken free and ran to him…not when she could finally touch him and see him, hear the warm tones of his voice. She craved his presence, his attention…his affection; which he doled out so carefully and sparingly that she ached with longing for the comfort of his arms, the taste of his kiss…the strength and tenderness of his hands. She just needed him in every single way possible and yet she had to force herself not to be too bold, not to try and nudge things along. She had to play by his rules and she couldn't afford to misstep and lose it all.
She blew out a breath, trying to steady her nerves as she reached for the tube of mascara only to have to slip from her fingers once again. Maybe she didn't need the mascara…after all, Jim had told her that he never saw the reason for it when her lashes were already long and dark. Maybe he was right, maybe it was a waste of time…especially on a night when she couldn't seem to get it together anyway. She'd probably just end up poking her eye out and that wasn't exactly the date night vibe she wanted to go for. A sigh crossed her lips as she tossed the mascara back into her makeup bag; the hell with it, she'd do without it this time. She stared into the mirror for a few moments, checking the makeup that she had managed to apply but she frowned at her appearance. She hadn't brought a curling iron with her…she wasn't even sure if the one she had left behind in Wyoming even worked anymore as she used it so rarely. When she had been on her frenzy of packing, her intent to take only what she absolutely needed with no intention to ever return for the rest, she had held the curling iron in her hand for a moment and then dropped it back into the drawer, deeming it unnecessary.
The decision to leave her curling iron behind was now one that Johanna regretted as she raked her fingers through her hair. She'd have to go buy one soon…if her husband was moving up to dinner dates then she owed him more effort with her appearance. Maybe she should wear her hair up, Johanna thought as she gathered up her hair and twisted it into a bun. Another frown crossed her lips; no, that didn't look right either. It just didn't go with the dress.
Johanna dropped her hands from her hair and looked down at her plain black dress. Her dress was all wrong, she thought to herself, her fingers pulling at the material. The dress fit her well enough…the hem stopping above her knee; the neckline modest…but it was plain…it was, in her opinion, a dress she wouldn't have chosen to wear for her husband. No; this was a dress she had bought because she had been obligated to attend a fundraiser for the college she taught at. She had gone into a department store and bought the plainest dress she could find, hoping it wouldn't attract attention…that men would find it unappealing and wouldn't bother with her; after all, it did look like something a widow would choose to wear to an event soon after her loss…or to the funeral, she couldn't help but think. God, why had she brought that dress with her? She should've brought the blue one instead; at least it wouldn't have looked like a funeral dress. It would've been more pleasing to her husband. She had done her best over the years to keep her figure…she did a lot of running at the gym on the treadmill…not to mention the times when she used the bike as well…the occasional aerobics class; and when she really wanted to punish herself, a spin class. When she found herself sinking into a bottle of wine too often, she'd switch vices and only allow self punishment to come from the gym for awhile. She had succeeded in keeping her figure…her hair wasn't in need of coloring yet; and she couldn't help but thank her father for that gene as he had held off grey hair his whole life and so far she was lucky too; sure the occasional stray one popped up and she quickly yanked it out, but the fact remained that her hair was still it's natural color…the color Jim loved and had made her promise never to change. She didn't think she had changed too much over the years…except she had those little lines forming around her eyes…and she needed those damn glasses to read small print; but over all, she was still the same.
But what if Jim didn't see her as the same? Oh he had told her that he didn't mind the glasses, that she was still beautiful to him…and she desperately wanted to believe that. She wanted to look good for him…but with his affection doled out so sparingly, she wasn't sure her efforts mattered much. He didn't mention love…he hadn't kissed her; at least not in the way she kept hoping for. A quick brush of his lips against her cheek was as far as it had gone. He hadn't hugged her or held her in effort to comfort. She was allowed to hold his hand for a few minutes…she was grateful for that much; had no right to ask for more…and yet she wanted more. She kept hoping for more affection, she kept wanting to hear the words "I love you"…but maybe it was to be a wait made in vain. Maybe he wasn't sure he could still love her knowing what she had done. Maybe he'd never offer more than what they had now…but then why would they move on to dinner dates?
Johanna raked her hand through her hair in frustration as tears filled her eyes. She had no right to complain. She had no right to ask for more; wanting more only made her look like a selfish bitch in an ugly dress. Jim deserved better. A tear slipped down her cheek; she didn't know how to do this. Maybe she should call it off…what was the point after all; she wasn't guaranteed to make it through whatever was waiting for her when the past finally caught up with her…and she knew it would eventually; that was the plan after all, come home, tell the truth so Katie would stop…tell the truth so that the focus would shift from her daughter to her. With that thought in mind, maybe she had no right to ask for anything…not even a simple dinner with her husband…but she wanted it. She wanted so badly to take back her life; to wake up one day and be home with him and this never ending nightmare behind her.
She covered her face with her hands and allowed herself a few moments to cry, knowing that she'd have to touch up her makeup once again...that she'd have to settle for the ugly dress she was wearing because she didn't have another dress to wear. At least her shoes were nice, she told herself…her strappy sandals with their three inch heel were stylish and more in tune with her true identity. She sniffled a few times and then forced herself to regain control over her emotions. Jim would be there soon; she couldn't let him see like this. Johanna wiped away her tears and retouched her makeup, finishing just as a knock sounded on the door.
Johanna took a deep breath to steady her nerves but found the exercise lacking as she made her way across the room. She released the lock and cracked the door open enough to allow her to peer out, making sure that it was indeed her husband on the other side. As her gaze met Jim's, a smile touched her lips and she pulled the door open further, allowing him to step inside.
"You look beautiful tonight," Jim told her as she closed the door.
Her smile wobbled as she subtly tugged at the material of her dress while making her way back across the room. "That's sweet of you to say."
Jim smiled as he admired her. She had that look on her face, the one that hinted that she was fussing with her appearance and wasn't quite satisfied with the results. "You don't believe that you like beautiful?" he asked.
"I look like I'm in mourning," Johanna declared as she tossed her hands up in the air for emphasis.
He couldn't help but laugh. "Mourning?"
"Yes!"
"Why do you say that?"
"Look at this dress," she said in disgust. "It looks like a funeral dress."
"Why?" Because it's black? I thought black dresses were a big thing for women, a staple you all owned. I know one black dress of yours that I have very fond memories of," he replied with a wry smile.
"Yeah, well, there was no mistaking that dress as a mourning dress."
Jim gave her a grin. "No, that was a come and get it dress."
Johanna smirked in amusement. "And you did."
He nodded. "I sure did…I'd like to go back and do it all over again."
"There's a lot of things I'd like to go back and do," she murmured; unspoken words filling the air between them.
Jim shifted on his feet as a small amount of awkwardness colored the silence. "I think you look beautiful."
"I hate this dress," Johanna whispered. "I look like a widow."
He chose his words carefully as he stepped closer. "You've probably felt like one for a long time," he said quietly.
She nodded, her gaze on the floor. "I have," she admitted softly. "And I…I don't mean to take anything from you by saying so. I know you've had to feel the true depths of losing a spouse."
"I think maybe we're even in that department…at least in feeling the loss," he said, doing his best to shove away harsher and deeper words on the topic. After all, she had been alone just like he had been…he had been out of her reach just as she had been out of his but they didn't need to dwell on that tonight. Tonight was supposed to be about them, not the wounds that they both carried. "Why did you buy that dress if you don't like it?"
Johanna worried her bottom lip, she didn't like to say much about her time in Wyoming although she'd gladly tell him anything he wanted to know about it if he asked…but it was difficult and awkward at times.
"You can tell me," he encouraged.
She sighed. "I had to go to a fundraising event for the college I work at…I didn't want to go but it was impressed upon me that it wasn't really an optional thing…so I had to get a dress. Since I didn't want to be there and I didn't want any attention, I bought the plainest dress I could find…and this was it."
"You didn't want attention?" Jim repeated. "What exactly does that mean?"
Her gaze flicked to his. "I didn't want anyone to ask me to dance."
"I see," he said; his gaze moving over her as he took in the sight of her, the dress was plain by her usual standards but it was fitted and showed off her figure even if it hadn't been her intent to do so. "You didn't want any attention from men."
"Yeah."
He smiled, amusement in his gaze. "How did that work out for you?"
She shifted on her feet. "A few people asked but I said no…I guess some people aren't deterred by ugliness."
"Honey, I hate to tell you this but being beautiful is just your cross to bear no matter what you have on," he told her with a smile. "I look at you in the dress and I don't have any thoughts of mourning, I can promise you that."
She loved him for saying so as she sat down on the foot of the bed. "I've just always tried to give you my best," she murmured.
Jim sat down next to her, his hand falling to her bare knee out of habit…an old habit, he mused, and yet he couldn't find it within himself to pull his hand away from her warm skin or to stop his thumb from rubbing smooth circles against it. "You don't have to try so hard," he told her. "There's never been a day when I haven't found you attractive."
She glanced at him as she savored the feel of his hand against her knee. "That may be true…but I always give you my best effort; even if you have seen me at my worst."
"What day was that?" he quipped.
Johanna laughed softly. "Well the day I gave birth comes to mind; I wasn't looking too good that day."
He shook his head. "I thought you looked beautiful…especially when they laid our baby in your arms. She was beautiful too…despite being covered in the ordeal of her birth."
She smiled. "Alright, I'll give you that one for sentimental reasons. There's been any day I've been sick."
"Nope, you were still beautiful."
"My sister's wedding."
Jim laughed. "The dress was horrible…it really should've been a crime to make you wear that yellow monstrosity…and the garden's worth of flowers they stuck in your hair was a little too much…and the pound of makeup they caked on your face wasn't the best idea either…but I still thought you were beautiful."
"Well…there's any time I have those damn glasses on," she said softly.
"We've already discussed your reading glasses," Jim replied, his tone warm. "I told you, you're still my beautiful girl…you always have been and you always will be."
She took the risk of allowing her fingertips to caress the line of his jaw. "And you've always been very handsome…you always will be too."
"Only in your eyes."
Johanna shook her head. "You know that isn't true."
He shrugged. "Your eyes are the only ones that matter."
A shy smile touched her lips as her fingers fell away from his face; that feeling of caution and awkwardness falling once more despite his fingers rubbing against her knee. Her gaze lowered, watching as he smoothed his thumb across her skin, making her heart flutter.
Jim followed her gaze, knowing he should probably pull his hand away from her knee but still unable to do so. "I'm always glad when you skip the pantyhose," he said quietly, lightness in his tone.
A light blush crept across her cheeks. "I do that just for you."
He smiled. "I appreciate it…I always have."
"I'm glad…I did start to put a pair on tonight though…but they were black too and then I really looked like a widow in mourning."
He shook his head. "No mourning tonight…you're beautiful…and you still have the best legs I've ever seen," he said lovingly, his hand sliding a little further down her leg in a caress before he caught himself and returned to her knee.
"Are you getting fresh with me?" she teased.
Jim laughed. "Not intentionally…but you know, you've always had that effect on me."
She smiled, her hand moving to brush back a lock of her hair and he caught sight of the slight tremble of her hand. He forced his hand away from her knee and captured her hand. "You're nervous?" he asked.
Johanna bit her lip as she gave a slight nod. "Yeah; I guess I am…it's ridiculous, isn't it?"
"Why would it be ridiculous?"
"Because…it's not like we're strangers…although with what I've done, I couldn't blame you for feeling like I'm one," she answered.
"You're not a stranger to me, Jo. Just like I know I'm not one to you. Tell me what else is on your mind."
"I already told you, I hate my dress and I couldn't fix my hair nice because I don't have a curling iron…and I don't own much jewelry anymore…I just don't feel like I'm giving my best effort tonight although I'd like to."
"I told you, you look beautiful. What's next?"
Johanna shrugged. "I guess I'm just worried that something will go wrong, that I'll blow it somehow and that you won't come back tomorrow."
He caught hold of her chin and turned her face toward him. "That's not going to happen, Jo; I promise, no matter what, I'll be back tomorrow."
"I don't want you to feel obligated," she said, tears stinging her eyes. "We might go out and you'll rethink wanting to be here."
"That's not likely."
"I hope not."
"Trust me, it isn't."
She sighed softly. "It's just been a long time since I've done this…as you should know, since you're the last man to take me out on a date. I feel like I have first date jitters all over again."
"Really?" he asked.
"Yeah…I'm ashamed to admit it but I couldn't even get my mascara on because I kept dropping it in the sink."
Jim gave a quiet laugh. "It's alright, you don't need it anyway."
"Maybe not, but still…it just goes to show that there are nerves, no matter how silly it is to have them."
"Well don't feel bad…I'm kind of nervous too," he confessed.
Her eyes met his. "Really?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
"Why?"
"Because, like you…I feel a little out of practice," he said with a slight laugh. "I got to the door and realized that I probably should've brought you flowers."
Johanna smiled softly. "It's okay…maybe next time."
He gave her hand a soft squeeze. "I did bring you something though."
"Oh?"
"Yeah," he said as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his tie. "I don't seem to be able to get this damn thing right tonight."
"You couldn't tie your tie?" she asked with soft giggle.
"No," he laughed. "So see, you're not alone in the nerves department."
Johanna gave a nod as she took the tie from his hand. "That makes me feel better."
"I'm glad. Do you think you can still tie that thing…you know, like you used to?"
Her heart swelled with love and remembrance as she rose from the bed, beckoning him to stand as well. "I might be a little rusty but I'm sure I can manage if you're patient with me."
"I've got plenty of patience for you…just none for myself tonight with that tie. I gave up after three tries."
She laughed softly as her fingers reached for his collar, maneuvering it so that she could slip his tie into its proper place…bringing them so very close to each other, she realized, her hands shaking slightly as her body brushed against his.
"Don't be nervous," Jim murmured. "It's just me…like always."
She nodded, her eyes meeting his…their closeness affecting her more than she'd like to admit given their circumstances. She gripped the ends of the tie and forced herself to break eye contact and concentrate on her task…but then his hand fell against her waist, curling around it and her breath caught, her fingers fumbling before quickly recovering.
Jim breathed deeply as she began her work, his fingers rubbing against the material of her dress as his eyes closed, the scent of her perfume and soap filling his senses. "You still smell like strawberries," he said quietly.
The words broke her concentration and she knew she'd have to start over. "Is that a good thing?" she couldn't help but ask.
"The best," he answered. "Your perfume is the same too…I always liked this scent on you."
It took every ounce of her strength not to brush her lips against his throat like she would've done years ago. "I'm glad you like it," she whispered.
"I'm glad it hasn't changed."
Johanna breathed deeply, trying to steady herself but the action only brought her the scent of his cologne…the same scent she remembered and loved…the scent she had bought a bottle of in Wyoming just so she could sniff it and feel like he was close by. "You haven't changed either," she said softly.
"I couldn't…I knew how much you liked it."
She wanted to bury herself in his arms and stay there for days, breathing in his scent, feeling his warmth. He brushed a kiss against her temple out of habit and her knuckles grazed his skin as she straightened the knot of his tie and she realized that he had slipped both hands around her waist. It was as close to an embrace as they had gotten and she drew out her task as long as possible, fussing with his collar as she straightened it and then smoothed her hand down his tie as she always had in the past.
Jim's breath caught as her hands fluttered against his chest; his own hand moving against her side without thought or permission as the air crackled between them, their eyes meeting. The urge to kiss her overwhelmed him and his heart convinced him to overrule his brain, push aside the list of rules he had given himself on the drive over. He needed to kiss her…he didn't want to wait until after dinner.
Slowly he dipped his head and Johanna's heart started beating wildly in anticipation, her fingertips grazing the line of his jaw. Just as their lips were about to meet in their long awaited kiss, his phone rang, startling them both.
Johanna's heart sank as the moment slipped from her grasp and she glanced at Jim who let out a disgusted sigh as he roughly snatched his phone from his pocket. "Jeff," he stated as he read the screen.
"Jeff?" she repeated.
"Yeah," he said gruffly. "And I apologize in advance but I'm going to have to lie to him about where I am."
"It's alright, I understand."
Jim answered the call, doing his best to keep the aggravation of the interruption out of his voice. "What is it, Jeff?" he asked.
Johanna stayed quiet, her hand clutching his jacket without notice. She couldn't make out what their old friend was saying but she hated him a little for calling.
"No, I don't have the notes for that part," her husband stated. "I think Craig has them…no, I can't really go over it right now; I'm on my way to meet Katie for dinner…yeah, I'll tell her; talk to you later," he said before ending the call.
"Everything okay?" she managed to ask as he put his phone away.
"Yeah," he said, raking his hand through his hair. "Just work."
She smiled up at him. "It's good to know that Jeff hasn't lost his incredible sense of timing."
He laughed, his hand slipping around her waist once more. "That's true…some things never change; especially Jeff's timing."
Johanna giggled, feeling some of her nerves easing as she laid her head against his chest for a brief moment before catching herself and pulling back a little and busying herself with smoothing away imaginary wrinkles in his jacket. "Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing," she murmured.
"What makes you say that?"
She shrugged a little. "It kind of made me feel a little better…tying your tie…Jeff interrupting…it felt like old times."
"You're right," he said with a nod. "It did feel like old times…thanks for taking care of my tie."
"I'm always glad to do it," she replied sincerely.
Jim smiled. "I'd offer to help you with your mascara but I'd probably poke your eye out and that wouldn't be a nice thing to do to my wife."
Johanna laughed. "Yeah; it might kill the vibe…which is why I decided against applying it myself. I was afraid I might poke my eye out."
"We can't mar those pretty eyes of yours," he told her lovingly.
Her smile was genuine and relaxed, her hand finally slipping away from his chest but he felt branded just the same…just like he had always been and it was a feeling he wanted to be accustomed to again. He caressed her cheek and then brushed a soft kiss against it. "Are you ready to go?" he asked.
Johanna released a breath and nodded. "Just let me grab my purse…which doesn't suit this dress either but I didn't bring a clutch."
"You say that like the size of your purse matters to me," Jim chuckled.
"I know," she said, quickly checking her bag to make sure she had everything. "But like I told you, I always try to give you my best."
"And you do," he replied. "Do you have your key?"
"Yeah; I have it."
"And your glasses?"
"Unfortunately."
"They don't bother me," he promised. "They don't change anything."
She nodded, not bothering to tell him that they bothered her when he was forced to see them. "Where are we going? One of our favorite places?"
Jim rubbed the back of his neck. "No…I thought we'd try somewhere new…where there's less of a chance of running into people we know."
"Oh," she replied; a touch of reality crashing back down around her.
"I'm sorry," he told her. "That didn't sound quite right…I didn't mean it the way it sounded…just that I don't want us to have to answer uncomfortable questions…especially when I don't know if it's all that safe for you to do so."
"No, don't feel bad," she hurried to say. "I understand, really I do. I'm glad to go anywhere with you, the location doesn't matter as long as I can be with you."
He wished he had found better words…wished they had discussed it the evening before when he sprung this date idea on her. "I think you'll like this place…it's Italian…I hope that's still your favorite."
A smile touched her lips. "You know it is…it's alright, Jim; really it is. I get lost in a moment and forget the circumstances for a second but then it comes back to me and I know that we're being careful not to be seen by people we know. It's fine…let's just go back to how we were before I asked…because we seemed like we were in a better place in that moment."
Jim gave a nod and held his hand out to her. "You're right…now that my tie is taken care of and we agree you're safer without the mascara, let's go to dinner," he said, giving her a comforting smile.
Johanna took his hand, giving it a soft squeeze as she did so. "I'm ready."
As Johanna sunk her fork into the piece of red velvet cake she had chosen for her dessert, she couldn't help but feel relieved. So far things had gone better than she had thought they would. They had managed to shake off most of their jitters during the drive to the restaurant and had managed to quickly quell the small bouts of awkwardness that had sprung up as they waited for their meal. Somehow they had managed to avoid the big issues, for which she was eternally grateful. Discussion of the hard stuff would've spoiled what they wanted for the night…not to mention that she felt a measure of relief that it wasn't on the agenda for the evening.
Instead they had fallen into old habits; gentle teasing, flirtatious comments…reminiscing about better times. Jim had started filling her in on people they knew from work and she had finally felt comfortable enough to bring up names of other colleagues that he hadn't mentioned. They spoke of the topics they had always talked about on date nights…and before she had known it, the atmosphere became relaxed and cozy. She didn't ever want to leave that table…didn't want to risk that their bubble would somehow pop once they stepped outside the restaurant.
"How's your cake?" Jim asked, breaking into her thoughts.
"It's very good," she answered with a smile. "What about yours?"
"It's good; but I went with the traditional chocolate cake with white icing. You're the one who went fancy and got red velvet."
Johanna laughed. "Oh, it's fancy, is it?"
"Definitely fancy," he replied. "Fitting for you…although usually you go for the chocolate."
"Well I thought since I'm stuck in this plain dress, at least my food could look exciting," she quipped.
Jim laughed quietly. "I could say something about you being 'stuck' in that dress."
"It better be the kind of thing that gets an amused smile and not the kind of thing that deserves a smack," she quipped.
"You know me better than that," he said with a grin.
She nodded. "Which means you were probably going to make a comment about how you could get me unstuck?"
"See," he smiled. "I knew you'd understand perfectly."
She laughed softly. "It's good to know that you still offer assistance to damsels in distress."
"Only if they're you…other damsels are on their own."
"Good to know," she said, her tone warm and full of love.
"I'm surprised you'd go for red velvet though…I always thought that was only served with cream cheese frosting."
Johanna grimaced. "Believe me, if there had been cream cheese listed anywhere in the description, I wouldn't have ordered it…you know I hate it…it disgusts me, even the thought of it."
"I know," he replied; a small part of his heart settling down as the evening had been proving to him over and over again that she was still his Jo…which he had known all along, but there had been those small fears that she'd be different somehow; and yet she wasn't and it loosened a band around his heart. "I was just surprised that they have a basic white icing on it."
"You can put whatever icing you want on it," she remarked, a teasing grin on her lips. "There's no law that says it has to be cream cheese."
"Lucky for you."
"True," she said, gathering her courage as she sunk her fork into her cake and held it out toward him. "Do you want to try it?"
A small smile touched his lips. "Did you sense that I had ulterior motives for asking about your cake?"
"You usually do," Johanna replied, a grin sliding across her face.
He was sure his heart skipped a beat as he took in the sight of her grin, the sparkle in her green eyes. He loved her smile…that unrestrained smile full of love, joy and warmth…his smile; the one that lit up the eyes he loved so much. He leaned forward and accepted the bite of cake she was offering him, as was their habit…the one he knew it had probably taken courage for her to indulge in as she usually waited for him to make the moves or the rules for the past month.
"Well, what do you think?" his wife asked.
He was thinking that he was more interested in her than the cake…but that was always the case, he mused. "It's alright but I've had better cake."
"You're not impressed with red velvet?"
"No…but I do like peppermint," he said, a stray memory flicking through his mind of when she had recruited him to help her in her mission to find the perfect peppermint cake.
She worried her bottom lip for a moment, the memory filling her mind as well. "It's a winter cake though," she replied. "Maybe…maybe we can make one when winter comes."
Jim nodded, giving her a smile as he did so. "I think it's a good idea."
"Hopefully you'll still like it just as much," she murmured, her gaze meeting his, layers in her statement that he heard loud and clear.
"I don't think you have to worry about that," he replied; his gaze locked with hers. "Some things never change…some things are just yours for life, you know?"
She smiled. "Yeah, I know."
Jim sank his fork into his cake and held it out to her. "I know you're waiting," he said lightly.
Johanna accepted the bite of cake, that flicker of hope deep within her growing brighter. "I should've gone with the chocolate," she said after swallowing. "It does have the better flavor."
"That will teach you to pick a cake based on fashion," her husband teased.
"Consider my lesson learned."
He smiled. "What do you think of this place?"
"It's nice, I like it…maybe we can come back sometime?" she asked, a touch of hesitation in her voice as if she was afraid she was overstepping the line.
"Yeah; we'll come back again…and I promise we'll get to a few of our favorite places as well."
"Sounds good," she murmured as she tried to drag out eating her cake and she felt certain that he was doing the same thing.
"I can feel our waiter hovering nearby," Jim said, amusement lacing his tone. "Do you think we're overstaying our welcome?"
"If past history is any indication, most likely," she answered. "We always seem to overstay our welcome…with the exception of movie theaters; we have a history of leaving those early."
Jim gave her a grin. "Are you trying to tempt me into taking you to a movie?"
She laughed. "If you can be tempted while I'm wearing this dress, I'll never worry again."
He chuckled. "I remember a time when you were broke out in hives and had an oatmeal paste slavered on you and I was still incredibly tempted."
She shook her head a soft smile on her face. "That's true…I was a little tempted myself."
"How could you not be?" he teased. "I mean let's think about it, our Thanksgiving was a disaster, you were broke out in hives and I was rubbing oatmeal on you…how romantic can you get?"
"We've had our moments," she murmured. "And I wouldn't trade any of them."
"Me neither," Jim told her, his fingers brushing against hers. "And I'm sure we'll have more of them."
"I hope so."
He squeezed her hand. "I should've planned for something after dinner…see how out of practice I am?"
"It's alright," she replied. "I know the feeling…but I do hate the thought of our evening being over."
"Who said it was over?" her husband asked.
Johanna shrugged. "Well…we don't have a plan…as you've mentioned."
"That doesn't mean the evening is over," he told her. "Maybe we could go back to your room…and find a movie to watch. I know it's not the same as a theater…"
"It's better," she replied. "We don't have to worry about anyone telling us to shut up."
"True…and we don't have to worry about overstaying our welcome," Jim remarked. "Well, you don't, since it's your room…"
She shook her head. "You're in no danger of overstaying your welcome…that's something that will never happen."
He took a breath, his fingertips gliding softly against the skin of her hand, his heart ready for him to break some of his self imposed rules now that things had gone as he had hoped. "Then what do you think…do you want to go back to the hotel and we can watch a movie…relax a little."
"Yeah," Johanna answered, turning her palm so that it pressed against his. "I think that sounds nice."
Jim gave her a smile. "Okay, finish your cake and we'll put the waiter out of his misery."
She nodded. "I'm sure he'll appreciate it…will you mind if I change clothes when we get back so that I can end the misery of this dress?"
"No, I won't mind," he laughed. "You can settle in for the night…and I have a feeling you plan to throw that dress in the garbage."
"I've got that feeling too," she remarked. "I'll get something new for the next time we plan to go out."
His hand tightened around hers. "I'm sure you'll look beautiful no matter what…will you still tie my tie if I can't get it quite right?"
"Count on it," Johanna told him.
He smiled. "Finish your cake and we'll go…we've got a plan now."
"We do," she agreed as she picked up her fork. It was a plan that she hoped would include that kiss that she had missed out on earlier.
As Jim found himself sitting in a hospital room later that night, his wife lying on the bed with a nasty flesh would from a bullet that grazed her arm, he was brought back down to earth. All of his plans for the evening had gone up in smoke…it had started off fine; dinner had gone well, they had lingered over dessert, the air between them easy and lacking the awkwardness that so often plagued them as they sidestepped the issues. It had gone just the way he wanted…and as her hand had slipped into his after getting out of the car, he had been ready to give in to those things he had been pondering as he got ready for their evening. He was going to kiss her…he was going to linger until he had no choice but to stay, he was going to hold her…he had planned to break his self imposed rules.
But then there had been a shot fired. There had been her cry of pain…the sight of her blood; the chaos that had ensued. It had all served to send him crashing back to reality at lightening speed. He couldn't allow himself to rush…not when he didn't know what the hell was going on; what was going to happen…who would come for her next. No, he couldn't risk rushing…couldn't break the rules; couldn't have what he wanted most. It hurt to lose the dream of the evening he wanted them to have…but being slapped by reality always did pack a sting.
Jim was pulled from his thoughts as he felt her fingers brush against his, her hand trying to curl around his as it had been before the shot was fired. Slowly he pulled his hand away from hers, unable to allow her the contact she desired. His eyes flicked to her face against his better judgment, watching the pain flick across her features as he pulled his hand away from hers. It was like a punch to his gut and he hurriedly dropped his gaze to her hand as she curled her fingers inwards toward her palm shifted her arm so that it laid across her waist, her fingers uncurling and closing around the sheet the covered her as her head turned away from him. Another glance at her face showed him the tears spilling down her cheeks, resignation settling across her face. His stomach clenched, his hand curling into the sheet as well. "Jo," he said quietly.
"I'm sorry," she murmured, sniffling and hurriedly wiping her eyes. "The numbness is wearing off, that's all."
His eyes closed for a moment; she was going to try and dust off her tough girl card; pretend that he hadn't just hurt her and that it was merely the wound in her arm that ached. "Do you want me to get the doctor to give you something for it?" he asked.
Johanna shook her head. "I'd probably have to stay if I gave any indication that it hurt…and I'm not staying here. I want to go h….," she started to say before trailing off, remembering that technically she had no home to go to in New York and most likely would never get to go back to the one she longed for with her husband. "I want to go back to my room," she murmured instead. Her hotel room was as close to a home as she had…and felt more like home than the house she lived in in Wyoming.
"I know…but we have to stay for awhile to make sure you don't have any reactions to the antibiotic they went ahead and gave you a shot of to prevent any infections."
"I know," she whispered.
Tension filled the air, her gaze fixed on some point on the opposite side of the room and it made him uncomfortable; but then again, everything about this situation made him uncomfortable…and angry…frustrated. Jim blew out a breath and pulled his phone from his pocket once more. "Katie's never called back or texted to see what I wanted."
"Big surprise," Johanna said with a soft scoff. "But you didn't need to bother her."
"You're her mother, she has a right to know that you've been hurt," he said tartly.
Another scoff crossed her lips. "She won't care…she'll probably just wish that whoever it was had better aim."
Anger licked his veins. "Don't you ever say that again," Jim said sharply. "She might be angry but she wouldn't wish you dead…not when she already knows what it feels like to be told that you were!"
Johanna closed her eyes, trying to hold back the flood of tears. "I'm sorry…I just know how much she hates me."
"It doesn't mean she wants you dead."
She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from sobbing at the confirmation her husband had just given her of the hate their daughter held for her. Sure it wasn't anything she didn't already know…but to know that he knew it too and had just been giving her false reassurances that it was all just anger, stung a little and there wasn't a single thing she could say about it. She had no right. She had no right and she had little hope of things changing…little hope that she'd even make it long enough to try and force change. She didn't know who had taken a shot at her…it could've been a random incident that happened in the city every day…or it could've been the first shot; a warning that the past was right on her heels. Well, whatever it was, at least her family knew the truth; at least she'd have that much peace.
"She doesn't hate you," Jim murmured; as if everything she had said had finally caught up with him. "She's just angry…she'll be worried once she hears what happened."
Johanna said nothing in response; she needed to concentrate on keeping her own fears at bay…and she was dwelling on what might've been if things hadn't changed so suddenly when that shot was fired. They had gotten over their first date jitters…dinner had gone so well; things had been cozy…he even hinted that maybe he'd stay for awhile that evening…and she had been clinging to the thought of the kiss that had almost happened; her heart fluttering with the anticipation that maybe it would occur at the end of their evening. It wasn't going to happen now, she was sure of that; just like she was sure that he wouldn't want to linger and spend the evening with her now. The evening was ruined…the wound in her arm a reminder to her husband about everything at stake. She could see the wall going back up between them…his anger pushing back toward the surface. No; the night wasn't going to end the way she had hoped…her hopes were gone, fading like a puff of smoke in the night sky.
"What are you thinking about?" Jim asked quietly.
She sniffled a little, her head shaking slightly as she glanced up at the ceiling. "Just thinking about how quickly my life goes wrong," she admitted. "Thirteen years ago, I had a perfectly happy life that I loved and in an instant it was gone. Tonight, I had the opportunity to have a long overdue date with my husband and it was going well…it felt the way it was supposed to, the way I wanted…and in an instant, it was gone too."
Jim lowered his head, he knew that feeling. "It'll be alright," he murmured.
A soft scoff escaped her that she couldn't pull back in time. She wasn't so sure of that…and she knew he wasn't sure of it either. Neither one of them knew what happened; if it was a random occurrence or the first shot of war…but she knew deep down that neither one of them was sure that everything would be alright in any sense of the word.
A/N: I admit I'm tempted to write an alternate scene of what would have happened if the shooting incident hadn't occurred…