Kakashi is sitting with Shikaku on the back deck in the Nara compound, sipping tea and discussing that fact that Orochimaru is the Kazekage and this is going to end so badly.

The previous meeting with the Hokage and a few select tacticians went around in circles because Konoha can't start it otherwise they'll be blamed for starting trouble, and it might just trigger a village-wide attack regardless. Another problem is that if Konoha engages, it might send spies and traitors underground and it'll take so much longer to find them.

Security has been ramped up in the Chunin Exam fields but the Hokage wants to go ahead with the event and doesn't want to alert anyone, so there aren't enough guards in the village and no one is being evacuated despite the utter certainty that this will come to all-out warfare.

"The Hokage has shot down every single one of my ideas, I have nothing left," Shikaku admits with a sigh, sitting cross-legged and nursing a cup of tea as he stares out at the surrounding trees that arc around.

Kakashi slides forward a shogi piece, the board set between them, and leans forward with his elbows on his raised knees. "I can get some retired ANBU out, have them mark the greatest threats without anyone but us knowing. My dad would want to join in."

"I might have to pull out some jonin on the sly too," Shikaku offers. "Orochimaru will go straight for the Hokage so that's at least predictable. Our biggest problem is the jinchuuriki, Gaara, and we can't even kick him out on a technicality because he's the Kazekage's son."

Shikaku frowns at the board because why does he even bother to play Kakashi when the man literally just copies every move he makes? The board looks satisfyingly symmetrical but that's not how you play shogi.

"I can do prevention for Gaara, or sealing after the fact, but I can't stop him if the bijuu takes over," Kakashi admits. "I mean I can, obviously, but Suna might take offense at us shipping back dead children."

"You know sealing at that level?"

"I only studied enough sealing to know how to fix a faulty jinchuuriki seal."

"That's oddly specific-"

"I don't want to talk about it," Kakashi interrupts.

"Alright then," Shikaku sighs and moves a piece. It's actually very infuriating dealing with someone that copies your moves, even more because when Shikaku guides Kakashi's pieces through his own, into a trap, Kakashi will then start playing properly only to fall back into mimicking after - so Kakashi does know how to play, he's just refusing to. "This is upsetting."

"So I've been told," Kakashi drawls, sliding his piece across, then sips his tea while Shikaku is distracted.

Shikaku looks up and the mask is back on. "Why don't we do prevention then? I'm just assuming an ANBU with infiltration and assassination specialties can slap a seal on a genin without anyone knowing, jinchuuriki or no?"

"Oh, it would be easy," Kakashi says casually. "If the boy actually went to sleep."

"He doesn't sleep?" Shikaku asks in confusion.

"He just doesn't, it's been verified." Verified by Kakashi's Root stalker but the information is good regardless of the operative's current psyche. "No microsleeps either so the bijuu must be healing him or something because it's surprising he's even responsive."

Shikaku sucks in a breath through his teeth. "And we can't knock him out because the last time he got attacked in Suna the bijuu came out to play."

There's a quiet knock on the sliding door and it opens, the glowing privacy seals dimming back to black ink. Shikamaru steps out, holding a tray of snacks and looking half asleep.

"Are those lotus seed cakes?" Shikaku asks, already reaching out for one.

Shikamaru moves the tray out of reach and sets it down next to Kakashi instead. "Mum says you have to watch your guest eat all of it because you forgot to do the dishes last night."

"I was tired from meetings," Shikaku sighs. "Kakashi, this my son Shikamaru. He was in the same year as your genin."

"I've seen him around," Kakashi offers.

Shikamaru is too busy staring at the shogi board. "What…is happening?"

"Kakashi has a lot of names," Shikaku says wryly. "The most hated of all is Copycat Kakashi."

Kakashi eye-smiles. "It's a close second to Icha Icha Kakashi."

"No one calls you that."

"I can make a good argument for why they should."

"What, you take your porn into battle with you?"

"I once killed a man with Icha Icha Skyfall." Kakashi looks off into the distance, pained. "It was a signed copy and I never did manage to get the blood out."

Shikaku clears his throat. "So anyway…son, sit down, let me ask you a question."

Kakashi raises an eyebrow as Shikamaru hesitantly sits down. "You're going to tell a genin about this, Shikaku?"

Shikaku waves a hand dismissively. "It's fine, it's just a simple question. Boy, what would you do if your mother never slept-?"

"I would defect to Kumo," Shikamaru says immediately without hearing the rest of the question, no hesitation.

Kakashi pops a cake into his mouth while the two Nara are stuck in a staring competition.

"Alright," Shikaku says slowly. "Let me start again; if you need to take a scroll from someone who never slept-"

"I'd knock them out."

"-and you couldn't knock them out-"

"I'd bump into them with a sleight of hand."

"-and the scroll was attached to their person so you'd need time to take it-"

"Get a jonin to do it for me."

"-and the other person was a genin, Shikamaru, don't push your work onto other people-"

"Is this about the red-haired Suna genin?" Shikamaru asks. "Because Naruto told me he was causing trouble so my team and I should avoid him. If it's a genin then it must be him, right?"

"This is theoretical," Shikaku argues.

"Doesn't sound theoretical," Shikamaru points out.

Wow, and Kakashi thought Sasuke was difficult, but at least the Uchiha doesn't like to talk often. That was a smack down. Genius kids must be horrible to raise.

(Kakashi reminds himself to do something nice for his dad soon.)

Shikaku purses his lips. "Hey, why don't you ask Kakashi here for a spar? The Chunin Exams are close but any experience will give you an edge."

Shikamaru raises an eyebrow. "Even if I ask now, I'd still have to wait two hours before he's ready to start."

"My reputation proceeds me," Kakashi drawls but he easily slips to his feet because if Shikaku wants to owe him a favour then Kakashi will take it. "Come on, I think Shikaku needs a moment alone with those lotus seed cakes. And to scrape his dignity off the floor."

Shikaku is already dragging the tray closer. Shikamaru grumbles a bit but staggers up to his feet and, because Kakashi stops only a few steps in front of the deck, Shikamaru is forced to walk even further and then spin on his heel, back to the forest.

"Count us down?" Kakashi asks, stretching his arms out in front of him.

Shikamaru sets a solid stance because he's not running from a jonin, so he needs to put everything he has into trying to catch Kakashi in a shadow. Shikaku counts them down from three as Kakashi swings his arms back to stretch his shoulders.

Shikamaru rapidly forms hand-seals – and only gets to two and a half. Then his hands fall away, one shoved into his pocket, the other coming up like he's holding something. His shoulders slump and he closes one eye.

"First of all," Shikaku begins, pointing at Shikamaru. "That's adorable, and I'm pretending he's holding a textbook instead." Shikaku's raised finger then swings around to point at Kakashi's back. "Secondly, that's cheating, using it against a genin."

"Only genin fall for it anyway," Kakashi retorts and he turns to face Shikaku, his hands still holding a seal behind his back, having pretended to stretch so Shikamaru wouldn't be expecting it.

Shikamaru is frozen where he stands, and he knows the feeling because his dad uses it on him in their spars. It's shadows holding him, and high-level control at that because Shikamaru can't even speak – Kakashi doesn't even need to move himself to move Shikamaru.

Shikamaru's open eye whirls around trying to see the shadow and finds it stretching from Kakashi, backwards into the deck, then skipping around the base of trees to disguise itself as it arcs around, before it probably grabbed Shikamaru from behind.

But it's not over, because when Kakashi turned towards Shikaku, he took a step sideways to very casually block Shikaku's sight. Shikamaru's hands come close to his stomach, keeping his arms in and as still as possible. His hands flash through signs faster than his brain can understand them so he only realises what's happening when his own shadow leaps forward.

"I can't believe this is working," Kakashi says as he takes a step to the side out of the way.

Shikamaru's shadow hits the first person it finds, like all Nara kids are trained, which is Shikaku who has his tea half raised. Shikamaru's control is basic however, so it only moves the body when he moves.

"I…did not know it could work like this," Shikaku admits in confusion, but otherwise is perfectly happy to just stay trapped.

"Hand signs are instinctive for genin, he probably couldn't stop himself. I wouldn't try it on a chunin though," Kakashi muses, shifting so he can see both Naras. "My genin didn't know how to tree-walk, can you believe that?"

"That's how normal kids come out of the Academy," Shikaku says with an eye roll.

Shikamaru is still stuck and he's confused how Kakashi would know the Nara shadow jutsu -it's not bloodline but it is a secret clan jutsu- except his dad seems fine with it so that's not the biggest problem right now. Kakashi isn't releasing him because Shikaku hasn't called the spar.

Shikaku can also break out of Shikamaru's jutsu, he has before, so right now he's just playing along. Because he wants to see how this ends? Because he's expecting Shikamaru to do something?

Okay, think, how does he break it? No, impossible unless Kakashi is distracted. So how does he distract Kakashi? The only piece Shikamaru can use is his dad but he can't move Shikaku while under Kakashi's influence.

Then how does he drop his dad first so Shikaku can make a play? Kakashi said it was instinctive with hand signs, so Shikamaru needs to…make the hand signs useless? Pull back on his chakra?

"How many Nara do you think you can link up?" Kakashi asks in curiosity. "If you get all of them spread out and linked up to two or three others, as soon as an intruder steps foot in Konoha they get stuck in fly tape – ninja tape? You might be able to feel the vibrations like a spider web and with Ino-Shika-Cho trios, that's…"

"Oh," Shikaku says in wonder. "That's going to be a nightmare to pull off." His arm starts moving again and he just sips his tea like there wasn't a pause in the middle. "Good job, Shika! You figured that out really fast."

Shikamaru slumps as he's released, panting. "Troublesome."

Konoha surges with a black tide, the shadows thick and dense under the cover of make-shift tarps strung over alleyways, rock pillars jutting out like reaching fingers into the sky. It splashes against walls and washes over people's shoes.

Orochimaru escapes, the Sandaime is dead, but Gaara is sealed properly without too much of a rampage and Kakashi toasts Tobi to an overwhelming victory.

Until he finds out they're making him Hokage.

Fucking Danzo.

.

A/N: Did anyone else play monkeys in a barrel? It's a bit like that but with Nara.

Also I rewatched the Sukea filler episode and realised he literally got caught by ANBU when he helped Team 7 break into the records room and the whole squad must have been like; senpai, what are you doing, you could have just walked in?