Warning: This chapter may be R. There will be violence, flashbacks, attempted suicide, child abuse and other nasty stuff. So if you don't like it don't read it.

Many thanks to Fanfiction-fanatic for Beta reading. God bless you:D

And thanks to: Linkin Park: A place in my head, Crawling, From the inside, runaway. And Evanescence, Tourniquet, Going under and going under. And last but not leased Intwine, Cruel man.This where the song I was listening, when I wroth this chapter. Mucis rules.

Chapter 15) Confessions.

He got pushed under water by strong hands. His eyes shot opened, water, everywhere he looked, only water. He tried to escape the hands that held him under. But every movement he made, the hands held him stronger.

"You can't escape your punishment this time you weak little shit! This time you will pay!" The bad evil man yelled furious.

He tried to scream for help. He couldn't take it any longer, his lungs where screaming for air. Everywhere around him black spots started to appear .

Then finally he got dragged up again. He gagged fell on the bathroom floor and tried to breath without feeling the burning in his lungs. Everything around him was blurry like he was going to faint.

The bad evil man kicked him in the ribs so he rolled over and looked him in the face. Dark and drunk eyes looked menacingly into his. "Did you learn your lesson Sheldon!"

He started to cry. "Yes, daddy, I will never spill milk again, please don't do that again, I'll be good I swear, please don't do that again daddy!"

The bad evil man chuckled. "Not convincing enough Sheldon!"

"No daddy PLEASE!

"NO!" Sand panted. He held his head. "Please, NO!" His whole body hurt like he was feeling it all over again. "No please, don't please!" He sobbed.

Slowly Lizz woke up from the sounds. Lazy she opened one eye, only to look in the dirty cell. But this time it was not so dark because blue light was shining threw the small window. She moaned. "Oh, yeah, still in the cell, still in the dark, still with big jerk." She sat up and wondered were the noise was coming from. That couldn't be Sands, could it?

"Sands?" She called.

"Go away, leave me alone!"

A surprising answered, she thought sarcastic. "Sands?" She stood up. "Hey, listen, if you're still mad that I took you're jacket, you can have it back, no problem." Slowly she walk in his direction. "Sands?"

"Please, I'll be good, not the belt, please!" His voice was trembling.

What the hell was he talking about, Lizz wondered. "Sands, c'mon don't play games." Carefully she touched his shoulder to know where he sat.

Immediately he backed up against the wall as far as he could. "Please don't hurt me, I'll be good, please don't hurt me again daddy!" He begged.

Lizz's eyes grew wide. He sounded terrified. Why didn't he act annoyed or bored, like he always did. "Sands, it's Lizz. You know that girl you always yell at?" She sat next to him. "C'mon whatever you're doing snap out of it, please." Again she touched his shoulder. She felt him tense and he breath very fast. "It's okay, I wont hurt you." She whispered gentle.

Her words didn't help a bit. He started to tremble and held his head with both hands. "Please, make him go away, I don't want to see that anymore! That's over, I can't help it, I can't make it go away. I'm really sorry, so sorry!"

Lizz pushed his hands away and wished she could look into his eyes. "Sands, listen to me. There is no one here except me and you."

"No, that's not true." He whispered. "He's here." Slowly he pointed at his head. "Again. And…" He rubbed his forehead. "And, I can't make him go away."

Lizz's eyes narrowed. She didn't like this a bit. From the first moment she met Sands she understood that he was a little mentally unstable. But this scared her. He was truly terrified of something or someone. And she didn't know what she should do or how to react.

"OH GOD!" he screamed. With both of his hands were slammed against his forehead. "I won't let you take the best of me, go away!" He shook his head. "No, no...NO! that's not true and you know it!" He turned around. "No I'm not! You can say I am, but I'm not, so leave me alone!" He sighed. " Shut up! SHUT UP! Go away! FUCK YOU! Shut up! Go away!" He started to beat himself in the face.

Lizz looked at Sands, she was terrified. She knew she had to do something fast, or he was going to kill himself. Without further thinking she grabbed both fist. Because of her sudden touch Sands yelped, and tried to pull loose. "Let me go! Let me go! Don't touch me!"

For a man that was wounded and losing his mind he was still very strong. Lizz had to use all her strength to not let him loose. "Sands! Listen to me!" But he didn't seemed to hear her, he just continued struggling. She had to do something fast before this got out of hand.

"Listen. You're Sheldon Jeffery Sands. You've worked for the Central Intelligence Agency." Quickly she tried to think of what else she knew about him and found at that, that, was pretty much it. But she had gotten his attention. He stopped struggling and seemed to listen to what she was saying. She continued. "My full name is Elizabeth Maria Carmen Cecilia, but people call me Lizz. And you call me, well everything except that."

Sands fists unclenched. He shook his head slowly and looked down. 'You're Lizzy-o, you talk to much and you're scared of rats, right?"

"Yes, and thanks for remembering all my bad qualities." She let his hands go. "You scared the shit out of me. What happened?"

Sands pulled a hand through his greasy hair. "Can't remember."

"Can't remember, or don't want to remember?" Lizz asked looking straight at Sands. He looked the other way and remained silent.

A couple minutes past, before Lizz dared to continue. "Sands, tell me what happened. You begged me not to hurt you. You screamed that someone other than me was in this room. And whoever that is, ain't going away."

She couldn't be sure but she though she saw a shiver run through his body. "Why should I tell you anything! What makes you think that I would tell you something about… about this." He pointed at his head.

"Because, I think, you've held it in long enough, and it's tearing you apart." She answered.

Sands bit his lower lip. She was right, she was so very right. But he
couldn't tell her. He once tried to tell his teacher when he broke his arm for the third time in a half year. But he couldn't tell. Somehow the words didn't fit right. And even thinking about it made him feel exposed. And that was all before he turned eighteen and… Suddenly he felt her hand on his shoulder.

"Listen, Sands, we're trapped between four walls of cold steel. And in a couple of days we're probably dead. So let it out. I won't tell
anyone." She reassured. "And." She pushed his chin up so she was looking in his face. "I won't think any less of you."

Somehow he felt a little bit touched by what she had just said. He slowly nodded and took a deep breath.

"When I was about four my mom die. I never found out exactly what she died from, but one day she had to go to the hospital. She told me everything was all fine and she would be back soon." Sands smiled. "She even told me she would buy the big red fire truck I wanted so badly, when she came back. But she never came back. A week after she left a doctor called and asked me and my dad to come to the hospital. My dad wasn't… able to go, so I took the bus. I remember that it was snowing that day. When I got to the hospital, they told me that… they told me that my mom had died."

Flashback

White walls, white floors, and men in white everywhere. Slowly he walked down a hall not knowing what to expect. What had happened to her? Why was she here? She wasn't sick, and this place is for sick people. For people who would soon die . That was what the bad evil man always said. He didn't like it here. He wanted to go home, back to his safe room, so he could play with his toys and let her make chocolate milk for him. Like she always did if he was a good boy.

"Sheldon J. Sands? A voice spook to him. Quickly he turned around to see a man in white looking at him. 'Y-yes." He answered, not knowing what to expect.

"Sheldon, I have some very bad news for you." The man in white said. He saw pity in the man's eyes. He didn't like it, didn't like it at all. Where was his mommy? Why did that man look so strange?

"Sheldon, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your mom… She died a couple of hours ago."

His world was smashed into pieces. "No, that's not true!" He started to cry. "Where is she! She can't leave me here! I want her back! I want my mommy back!" He looked furiously at the man and kicked his shin. "You made her go away, I HATE you! I HATE this place !I never want to be here AGAIN!"

End Flashback.

He tried to keep his voice under control. "I was four, and they told me my mommy would never come back." Sands shook his head trying not to think of the white walls again. "But that wasn't the worsted part. You see, my dad, he wasn't a very good man. I've never understood why my mom married that bastard. He drank very often, and got fired from every job he got. And he took it out on mom. Sometimes he tried to take it out on me, but mom, she always defended me. But then, she was gone and I had no other place to go." He stopped and tried to push the images away.

"He…. Did so many nasty things to me back then." He whispered. His hands turned into fist again. "Very nasty things. At first he only yelled at me and told me that mom die because I was such a lousy kid. After a while he started to punish me for small things that I couldn't help. For being coming home from school. I was four and I had to walk to school, it wasn't my fault."

He took a moment to breath and tried to stop his hands from shaking. "I was six when he broke two of my ribs. It was because I asked why Santa didn't bring me any presents. He got mad, told me I was a worthless and a weak brat. I wasn't good enough to get any presents. It went from bad to worse though. I still have scars on my back from his belt, and I'm scared of water because he nearly drowned me. To top it all off, I'm also an emotional wreck."

Sands started to laugh. "And the strangest thing is, every time he did something to me, I thought I deserved it. I thought that I really was that nasty, weak kid, he told me I was. Because, you have got to be a bad person for your own dad to did things like that to you. So I never told anyone, never complained about anything, and I never ran away. Because he was the only one who would care for me, the shitty, horrible little boy."

Flashback
He tried not to breath, not to move. His head was spinning. But that was nothing compared to his back. With every movement he made, ever breath that he took, it felt like his back was being sliced open. Tears rolled down his cheek. Why did the bad evil man always hurt him so much. Maybe he was a nasty boy like the bad evil man always told him he was. Maybe that was why mom had die, because he did something so wrong she had to pay for it.

But what did he do so very wrong? And why did she go away? Why didn't he go away. Why didn't he just vanish, so no one would have to suffer for the things he did. And...so he didn't have to suffer for the things the bad evil man did.

End Flashback.

He took a deep breath. "That fucker made me feel so fucking low, so numb. I was nothing, a nobody, not good enough to be treated like a human being. But I beat the fucker, eventually. When I turned eighteen I bought a gun and drove home. There I waited for him to come home from the bar and then...I shot him. Back then, I wasn't a very good shot, so the first time I only hit him in the knee." He paused for a moment as if he was remembering.

Then he grinned. "He told me he was going to kill me for real this time. To bad...I had the gun, I was in control this time. You have no idea how powerful I felt at that moment. I had beat him, he knew it...I knew it. I shot him three times in the chest. As he was dying, I walked over to him and kicked him in the ribs while looking the fucker in the eyes. 'Did you learn your lesson, fuckmook!' I asked. He looked back at me and I saw that he was scared. Wait skip that, he was shitting his pants. He was terrified. I remember what he said. He said: ' Please, don't kill me, Shel, please don't'. He begged me not to shoot him. That felt so fucking good. ' Not convincing enough', I told him. Then I shoot right through his head. The bad evil man, who had made me feel like shit, was dead."

Flashback.
He wiped the blood off of his hands. "So that's it, you fuckmookI did it! I won, I beat you, I shot you, I murdered you. You're dead and I'm still standing." He hissed looking at his dead father. He kicked the body in the ribs.

"And you know what, I don't feel a damn thing. No regret, no guilt, no
anything." He smirked and then his eyes darked. " This must be sick, but I feel very, no, extremely happy. I wish I had done this a long time ago."

He lighted a cigarette and inhaled. " I won, fuckmook."

End flashback.

Sands thought back at that moment. That was the most freeing moment of his life. "After that I put the gun safely between my belt, I grabbed a bottle of tequila, and I just walked to the car and drove away. It was night and I had know idea where I was going. I just drank, drove and listened to the radio. I also didn't have a fucking idea what I should do. If the cops found me I would go the jail for the rest of my life and I had nowhere to go. But with the radio on and a bottle tequila in my hand, I didn't gave a fuck about what
would happen. I also didn't gave a fuck about the speedlimit and drinking and driving at the same time. And that was the stupidest mistake I have ever made, even stupider than the whole eye thing. That night I crashed into another car. I had nothing but a few cuts and bruzes but the other car… There was a little boy in that car with his mom. It could have been me and my mom. I had killed them. It was then that I realised that I was as bad as my dad."

Flashback.
Shocked he looked at the two dead bodies. One was that of a little boy, the other, the boys mother. "Jesus Christ, what have I done…"

Slowly he stepped out of his car. His eyes focused on the little boy, he walked over to the other car. "Jesus, fucking, Christ. I killed them. I killed a little boy and his mom."

He collapsed on the asphalt. He slammed his fists into the ground until his hands where bleeding. "I can't live with that." Then, slowly he picked up a piece of broke glass.

End Flashback.

"After a couple minutes the police found me, sitting against a tree, cutting my own wrists. I got locked up in a mental institution for threeyears. The first few days nearly killed me. I heard voices, I saw my dad everywhere. I got very bad headaches and I didn't know what was real and what was not. The doctors told me I was schizophrenic, that I needed therapy and medications for the rest of my life. Bullshit, I'm not sick, I just need to stay incontrol. I need to have the upper hand in every situation. And I need to be calm, that's all. Then the voices and headaches started to go away and everything was fine."

Flashback

"Sheldon, why did you do that? Why did you kill that little boy and his mom! I didn't raise you like that! I thought you where better than your dad!"

"MOM!" He looked around, but all he saw where white walls. He noticed his arms where tied. He looked better and saw he was in a jacket. All his muscles tightened. Pain shot throw his body, and his head felt like it was going to explode. "God, make it stop!" He slammed his head against the pillow wall behind him. "God, someone, please make it stop!" He sobbed.

"That's for killing me, you filthy piece of shit. Did you really think you could get away with this! Did you think I wouldn't find you and make you pay! I swear Sheldon, I'll make you pay!"

"No, god, no! Please go away! All of you!" He screamed trying to banish the voices.

End flashback.

He nodded. "After a couple of weeks I started to see reality again. I remembered what I had done, and I knew that it would haunt me forever. I also knew I had to get the fuck out of that institution. So quickly I learned what the dear olddoctors wanted me to say. I acted like I felt very guilty about killing my dad and I told them that I had seen the light. Those idiots believed everything and within a year I was out of the institution. Again I had no idea what I should do with my life, but I knew one thing for sure. I needed a job that would take over my life, a job that would give me a chance to show myself what I was capable of. I wanted a job that would make me be in control. So I joined the fucking CIA, pissed them off
more than once, and finally got sent to Mexico. And that my dear Lizzy-O, is MY fucked up life story."

Thank god, he opened up! Now that wasn't so hard, now was it! ... Okay, so maybe it was, but I wanted to gave him a good reason to be the man he is today. The untrusting, uncaring, bastard he is. I mean he felt like he had killed himself and his mother ( car accident), That he was as evil as his dad had been.

I could talk about this for sixty pages, but I'll keep it short, because I
have to go to school in a half hour.

So please review, 'cause I'm not finished with Sand yet.

Luvzzz Sue-AnneSparrow

-TBC-