Battle Without Honor or Humanity
"OW! That really hurt!"
Mugen rose from his sleep to the delightful sound of Fuu whining about something or other. "What!" he snapped, stretching. "What's the matter with you?"
"He bit me!"
Mugen took a quick glance around the room and saw that the only other inhabitant was the bug. It seemed Jin never came home last night. "Rodriguez?"
"Who the hell is Rodriguez!" Fuu asked, scrambling to get on a stool in case the thing struck again. Fuu only had to catch a hint of Mugen's satisfied grin before she caught on. "You named the beetle Rodriguez?" she asked, still disbelieving.
"Yeah, isn't it awesome?"
"No, it is not awesome. I was feeding Momo and he was looking at me like he hadn't eaten in weeks, like, have you fed him at all? So I tried to give him some of Momo's food and he bit me. I was trying to help him, the jerk!"
"Really?" Mugen said, excited. He dove back onto the floor to get a better look at his ward. Rodriguez was hissing, clearly agitated. "We're gonna win," Mugen said, his eyes narrowing with bloodlust. "We're gonna win!"
Mugen took off for the bar, Fuu and Rodriguez in tow. Fuu had the day off from waitressing. "How do you have a day off? You just started."
Fuu absently kicked a pebble with her toe. "Over staffed, I guess." In truth, she had been knocked into a very expensive vase half way into her shift, which caused her to accidentally flick wasabi into the eyeball of a very affluent customer, who in turned jumped in surprise and knocked a cup of sake into a tea candle, which then flared up and…well, she was asked not to come back. So, day off. Not that this is how she would want to spend a vacation. "Explain to me how this works again?"
"One beetle has to shove the other out of the ring. It ain't that tough, Fuu."
"I know, I just feel like there has to be more to it than that. I mean, how can this be a thing? Who came up with this? And why are you people encouraging him?"
"You'll see," Mugen promised. "We're gonna make some dough tonight, and then you'll be all, "I love beetles. Beetles are sooooooo cute. I'm going to get my own and name it something gay and it will live in my kimono because I'm Fuu and I'm lame like that and I smell."
"Funny. That doesn't sound like something I would say."
"Well, you should. The first step is admitting you have a problem."
Fuu shrieked and took a swing at him, but she was laughing underneath her ire. It was hard to ever truly be angry at a person so utterly ridiculous.
The scene at the bar was unruly, something Fuu was used to seeing. Mugen weaved through the crowds until he found the bookie from yesterday. "I want to enter a beetle into a fight," he declared, displaying Rodriguez proudly for all to see. The "taa-daa" was unspoken, but still just as audible.
The bookie checked him over briefly and shrugged. "All right. You'll fight the winner of this next fight. You'll be Beetle on the Right."
"Rod--" Mugen spoke up to correct him, but Fuu elbowed him in the side, shaking her head. Maintain some dignity, please, her face said. Mugen huffed and jammed Rodriguez back in his pocket as the two of them went to stake out the competition.
Fuu still could not believe that this existed. It just seemed so ludicrous to her. And this was something, because her threshold for what was considered ludicrous was beginning to become quite skewed. When it gets to the point that an ordinary day may or may not include harboring a gay Dutchman who beat you in an eel eating contest from the army, "ludicrous " takes on a whole new significance. But this still struck her as exceedingly dumb. And boring.
Mugen was taking this down time to further coach Rodriguez on the art of war. "See how that one is leading with his left side?" Mugen whispered to him conspiratorially. "That's how you can take him out."
"He can't understand you," Fuu pointed out.
"He can too," Mugen said, still focused intently on the fight.
"They don't have higher brain function," Fuu said. "He's just a collection of moving parts, encased in an exo-skeleton. All he knows is eat, screw, die."
"My kind of guy," Mugen said, and then mumbled to his new confidant. "That one guy's got a little dent in his shell. Go for there."
"They don't know enough to go for dents in the other guy's shell!" Fuu shouted, exasperated. "He doesn't know anything! Stop talking to him like the two of you are BFF!" Fuu realized to her horror that she was jealous of a beetle. This was truly a new low.
"Yeah?" Mugen said, enjoying this. "Why don't you say that to his face?" He turned around so that Fuu could get a good look at the assortment of beady eyes and dripping mandibles that made up Rodriguez's "face."
"Fine, I will!" Fuu screamed. "You are a loser, Rodriguez! You hear me? You are an ugly little jerk of a beetle that is destined to suck at life, just like your trainer!"
Mugen made a buzzing sound and suddenly thrust Rodriguez toward her, which caused her to shriek in surprise and hide behind the nearest passer by. She blushed when she realized it was not Rodriguez that was exacting vengeance but Mugen messing with her. "Cute," she remarked as she attempted to casually reveal herself from behind her human shield.
"As a damn button."
"Yo!" the bookie cried out from behind them. "You're on!"
Mugen practically kicked his heels together in delight. He plopped Rodriguez down on the ring, uttered a few expletives to the opposing bug trainer, and the match began. There was no meandering about the ring this time. The Left Beetle was revved up from his previous victory and wasted no time in throwing Rodriguez off balance. He teetered over to one side, and it occurred to the beetle that the whole fight was going to be over before it even began. As he rocked precariously on the line between victory and defeat, he began to have flashes of his former life. He saw himself as a larvae. He remembered breaking out of his shell into the harsh sunlight of Edo. He remembered being scooped up by a local bartender and being forced to fight his first battle. That was Tuesday. Beetles don't live very long. But short as his life was, it was still his. And he ain't goin' out like that!
As if motivated by some long-forgotten primal force, Rodriguez got to his feet. The other beetle dealt him a mighty blow, but Rodriguez didn't flinch. His opponent stumbled backwards in surprise. How can this be? the beetle thought. No one has ever withstood the Iron Claw! It is as if…no, it can't be. Can he be The One?
Rodriguez faced his enemy, suddenly feeling invincible. He thought about the other beetles that have fallen by his opponent's hand. He thought about Mugen, his wise and powerful sensei. He thought about his mama, who was squashed by the wheel of a fruit cart before he was even born. Or at least, he assumed the crusty smear on the pavement when he awoke from his larvae state was his mama. It could have been a tar stain. He didn't know. He thought about the fact that he hadn't yet been laid. He realized this battle wasn't just for him anymore. It was bigger than that. It was for the little beetles that looked up to him and the grasshoppers. For the crickets and the praying mantis. It was for you and for me. Hell. It was for JAPAN! Let's fight! Let's win! AAAAAAARGH!
Rodriguez charged his opponent with unimaginable force. The other beetle barely knew what hit him. He struck again and again, harder and faster. "Stop the fight!" he heard a voice cry. Women and children were fainting in the audience, grown men began to look queasy. He reached back for a final deathblow and then…it was over. The crowd went stone silent. The mighty Beetle on the Left had fallen. And with it, the despair of a nation. Then slowly, one person began to clap. One man among the crowd stood up to applaud the brutal carnage before him. One person, and then another. And another. Until the air was thick with the sound of people rejoicing. "Long live Rodriguez!" they all cried. "Truly, he must have had an excellent trainer. Let us shower him with money and all the virgins his poor eyes can stand!"
That was how Mugen interpreted the events, at any rate.
To Fuu, the two beetles walked around each other for about 30 seconds, and then Rodriguez most unceremoniously tipped the other bug over. And that was it.
"I can't believe it," she said, looking at the bug intently. She hoped to see a glimmer of whatever it was her friend saw in this thing. But it was just a bug. A really, gross and disgusting bug. She shuddered and stepped back, only to be mowed over by an ecstatic Mugen. "Did you see that!" he shouted, practically straddling her. "He wiped the floor with that bastard! Cold hard cash, baby!" he exclaimed, waving a large coin in front of her.
Fuu brightened at that. She immediately sat up and swiped at it, but Mugen was too quick. "Not so fast there, Grabby. I earned this."
"Any money we make is supposed to go to the group," she pointed out.
"Then apologize to Rodriguez." He reached over and swiped his little warrior from the ring, brandishing it at her as if she was expected to kiss it.
"I will do no such thing."
"Hey, if you can't be a team player then you don't get team money."
Fuu rolled her eyes. "Fine. Rodriguez, I am terribly sorry I underestimated you. I hope one day we can be friends."
Rodriguez whirred his wings around in the insect equivalent of a shrug. "Heh," Mugen chuckled, rising to his feet. "You just apologized to a beetle. What a loser."
Fuu turned an alarming shade of violet, composed herself, and then picked herself up off the floor. This was her life. These are the things that happen to her now. How utterly, thoroughly, completely…depressing. "Hey! Wait up!"