1. Misa got her first modeling job when she was six years old. Too young to really know anything, but getting paid to wear a dress--pleated pink plaid--and hold an empty ice cream container. Misa, she still has the picture, tucked under all the lacy little nothings in her underwear drawer, and she looks at it, sometimes, to remind her that she once was really nothing but happy.
2. As a child, she told all of her teachers that she wanted to be a doctor. Or, some days, an office worker, like her father. The teachers would smile at her--the women, they'd curl their red-painted lips, and the men, they'd show their capped teeth. This is what a child is supposed to want to be, what they're supposed to dream about, but Misa knows now that those goals (any type of goals, really: dreams of jobs, dreams of perfect worlds) are almost never achieved.
3. Misa's first boyfriend was an American exchange student named Russell. He had blond hair and blue eyes and always laughed because she could never say his name right, but he took her to the carnival. Russell, he won her a goldfish, and held her hand during the fireworks. They were ten years old then, and Russell went back to America, to a faraway place called Maine, when he was thirteen. The goldfish, which they had named Saru, died a few days after he left. Misa suspected a severe case of heartbreak.
4. When she was twelve, Misa failed her first test. A math test, she says, showing the paper to Light, and she says, isn't it sad that I didn't know you back then, you could've helped me. And he doesn't say anything. But back then, twelve-year-old Misa, she knew that her parents would say something, and she hid the test in her dress and never told them about it. And somehow, Misa, she can't help but think they knew; her smeared eyeliner (stolen from her older sister) must have given her away.
5. Every time she tells a story about herself, Misa starts it one of two ways: "Don't laugh, but once, Misa . . ." or "True story: Misa . . .". Misa, she starts things off like this, because it embarrasses her, talking about herself (though the hundreds of times she's been interviewed, they should've cured that), and sometimes, she needs to remind herself that what she's saying is real, that her life isn't some silly-silly dream that she could wake up from at any minute.
6. Misa was always jealous of her older sister. Was always jealous about how boys called for her, how they knocked on the door, gave her chocolates. Was always jealous of how good she did in school. Was jealous of how she'd gotten into a good high school, a high school that she'd sailed right through, all good looks and top grades. But that was a long time ago, and Misa wonders if her older sister is the jealous one now. Misa is a successful model (" . . . with the best boyfriend ever!" She always reminds interviewers, pink lips smiling wide), and her sister is working in a stuffy old office, and married, with three rambunctious little boys. It's mean of her, Misa knows, but she can't help but be proud of herself every time she talks to her sister on the phone.
7. Misa lost her virginity when she was sixteen, to an older boy named Hiro Masanami. He was a friend of a friend and he'd given her sake at a party, and really, Misa, she'd never meant for anything to happen, but his hands were warm and he had such a beautiful smile and . . . She had cried after she'd woken up to an empty bed, her arms crossed over her chest, face down her makeup stained pillow. Misa was hung-over and her body ached and the sunlight was just too bright.
Two years later, Hiro Masanami died of a heart attack, despite the fact that he was perfectly healthy.
8. And Misa wishes she'd saved her virginity for Light, even though it's sappy-sentimental and Misa is a grown up now, and she should be over things like that. At least Light loved her. At least Light wouldn't leave her alone when she woke up. At least, she thought Light, he wouldn't die on her.
9. As a rule, Misa never wears eye makeup to romance movies. Romance movies, they make Misa cry, every single one of them, and her dates never appreciate mascara smeared across their sleeves, where she buries her head and sobs quietly against muscled biceps. It's not that the movies make her sad--what's sad about loving someone? It's that romance, it's just so beautiful, and she just can't keep the feelings inside, those sappy-sentimental feelings of happiness that well up inside of her, they almost make Misa burst.
10. Misa was singing karaoke as the burglar slit her parents' throats. Misa, she was eating sushi as the burglar stuffed money in his pockets, stole her jewelry, stole everything valuable in their small house. Misa was laughing with friends when her cell phone rang, a happy springtime polyphonic tune, and she was still breathing hard as her sister cried and said that their mom and dad were dead and there was blood everywhere and things were gone and the sink was stained red from where that bastard had washed his hands and Misa you need to come home right now--and that's when Misa hung up, her ears ringing with that all-in-one breath explanation. And she shook, pale and scared, but she told her friends that nothing was wrong, forcing smiles and laughs, and followed them into the arcade. Misa, she was playing video games and couldn't wrap her head around the idea that now, everything she knew and loved was gone.
11. She was late for her parents' funeral because she couldn't decide what to wear. Back then, Misa she didn't own anything black (because Misa was a happy girl, Misa didn't have any problems before right now, but she could count them on one hand: she couldn't stop crying, her parents were dead, so many of her clothes were stolen, and none of the remaining ones were fit to wear to a funeral). She settled on a red dress, because Mama had always loved red (and Mama's body was soaked with red, and her body was burning red when she was cremated with Daddy), and it matched her favorite pair of shoes, shoes that Daddy had bought her for her birthday. But then no makeup looked right with red, and her hair just wouldn't go into pigtails like she wanted it to, and Misa, poor Misa, she went to the funeral with hairspray-hard hair and eyes rimmed red (and at least that matched her dress), but that didn't stop everyone from hugging her tight when she couldn't stop crying.
12. Two days after the funeral, Misa left home. She gave away the clothes she didn't want, gave them to friends who'd always envied them, who said, Misa, you look so nice in that dress. And Misa, she'd told them, I know you'd liked this dress forever, so, well, you can have it . . . She kept the red funeral dress and her favorite shoes, kept every blouse and skirt and pair of pants she couldn't bear to part with, and she left. The girl left her sister, left the bloodstains on the carpet, left her red-streaked sink, left all of her stuffed animals and makeup. Misa had always hated being alone, but somehow, living alone was better than living with a depressed sister and parents who were nothing but memories and smiling faces in faded photos.
13. After the stalker attacked, after he'd held a knife against her throat, after she'd rubbed her fingers raw against a chain-link fence (after Rem saved her and brought the Death Note into her life), Misa Amane no longer feared death. Nothing could be any worse than near-death encounters, than her parents dying, than living alone. Not even death. It's funny, she'd told interviewers, but after that night, everything just seems so silly.
14. The first person Misa killed using the Death Note was an old boyfriend who'd wronged her, who had made her mad about some stupid thing. She hadn't really believed that the notebook would work (it seemed so stupid back then, but now, she wonders, maybe it was a message from Kira, a sign of her god's protection), but when she'd been called later, by a crying friend of his, well. Misa, she knew it was bad to feel nothing, be so empty over such a thing, but she just couldn't help it. Misa was a happy girl, and Misa couldn't care.
15. Misa decided to start dressing in the Gothic Lolita style a week after she'd almost died, before her fingers had even healed, before the scratch on her neck had completely disappeared. She loved how corsets fit so snugly on her (like always having someone's arms around you), how they pushed the swells of her breasts up just so. She loved how layers and layers of lace cascaded over her knees, how black brought out the dyed blonde of her hair so nicely. And black eye shadow and so much black mascara, it brought out the green of her eyes. Misa bought so many articles of clothing that she had trouble standing straight beneath the weight of the bags, and she just kept smiling. This change was her own decision, the first thing she had decided without outside influence for the first time in years.
16. For weeks after L's death, Misa couldn't eat anything with sugar in it. Cupcakes and ice cream made bile rise and burn her throat, and even the scent of vanilla, it made her head hurt. Candy brought to mind black-rimmed eyes and greasy hair, long spider-fingers plucking away at laptop keys and touching her hand. Sweets were not just fattening now, they were sickening, and so was Ryuuzaki, that pervert. He'd stolen Light from her for so long, chained her boyfriend to him (and guys shouldn't do that! Misa had snapped, but in her mind, she almost wished she could be forever chained to Light, and could see where the detective was coming from), followed them around on makeshift not-dates. And it was funny, but even though L was dead, he hadn't left Misa.
17. The first time Misa and Light had had sex, was four nights after L's death. Three and a half days after his awkward secret burial, but Light still sat up at night, hunched over his laptop, sleeping schedule ruined from those weeks chained to Ryuuzaki. And he'd smiled as he'd taken off her shirt, lips pressed to her neck, smiled as her breathing quickened and he pressed her against the bed. And the whole time, even though Misa was full of her sappy-sentimental romance movie feeling, she couldn't help but wonder if it was really her that Light saw beneath him (and not Ryuuzaki, that pervert, and just the thought, it scared her and sickened her so badly), couldn't help but wonder if he was really doing this because he loved her, couldn't help but wonder if this would end up like her first time, another Hiro Masanami situation. And Misa, biting her lip hard, she cursed herself for ever doubting her Light's (her Kira, her lord, the perfect boyfriend she was destined to be with) love for her.
18. As much as she loved the color black, Misa dreamt of a white wedding. Lacy trailing wedding dress, white and virgin-pure, ivory-colored bouquets. And, maybe, even a white tuxedo for Light (it would bring out his hair, his eyes). But Light, he said that he'd only marry her after their dreams of a utopia have become reality. He said he'd make the whole world white, just for her. Light, about her white wedding, he said it would be useless to marry her in an imperfect world.
19. Nearly eight years of complete and utter love and devotion had left Misa with dry eyes. She didn't cry when they told her Light was dead. Twenty-three, warehouse, heart attack; the facts, they just didn't hit hard enough. Like the night her parents died, she couldn't accept it. So, Misa, she'd looked hard at Matsuda, her ex-fake-manager Matsuu, and she'd noticed how he looked so tired, how watery his eyes seemed to be. And she'd told him she was sorry. Even learning that Light had been Kira the whole time, Misa didn't blink a gray-rimmed eye. Maybe her future-husband, her fiancé, the person she loved more than anyone else, was dead, but that didn't mean she had to accept it.
20. It hit her, lying in bed that night, scissor-shaped across empty space and cold sheets, that Light was really dead. Her Kira, he was never going to come back to lie beside her (coming to bed at 3am and falling right asleep, not caring that she stayed up until he closed his eyes, not caring at-fucking-all, but she can't think that way), never going to put his hands on her hips, to kiss her in that distracted way again. Light, he never completed his utopia. And that, that's what brought Misa to tears, and she couldn't stop crying.