A/N: Finally I have come up with something I hope everyone will like. More thoughts from Ryousuke. Yay! –does happy dance- hope everyone likes.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Nope.

Dark Night, Deeper Thoughts

When did I lose my heart? I've never really thought that I had one to lose. Theoretically, I know that every human being has a heart even if that human being is me. But, I never thought I had the emotion of love.

Even from my brother I keep my feelings locked away. I fear the person that I can give my feelings to 100. That person would have to be incredibly amazing to take what I've got to offer.

Things happened in the past that I regret. Those regrets turned into me locking away my emotions. As a doctor in training, I know how unhealthy it is to keep those emotions bottled up. But, like drugs or smoking, it's a habit that's very hard to break once you start doing it.

I've been down many roads. Most of them probably shouldn't have been crossed let alone gone down. My brother does not know most of them and neither will he ever find out if at all possible.

But, there was a time when I felt all those regrets disappear. There was a moment in time where I felt the world was right. And I think it was then that I bid my heart, that I never knew I had, good-bye. Before then, I hadn't realized that I had started losing it, and then it was gone. You could imagine my utmost shock.

That time that I felt that way was the time when I raced Fujiwara Takumi for the second time. That race was neither about winning nor losing but just being there. It was an amazing, heady feeling that I wished I could always keep.

Takahashi Ryousuke stopped his typing to clutch his chest. This was harder to write than the last one. He stared out into the darkening sky with a thoughtful expression on his face. The wind blew steadily through the trees surrounding his house.

He looked back to his laptop and resumed typing.

There is no logical explanation for how that race went or how I felt. I suppose you could say it just was. For once in my life, I found someone worthy of driving full throttle. When I first started racing, I never knew the importance or the rarity of such people. But it took me several, several years to come in contact with one.

That should give a small indication of how rare people like Fujiwara are. In fact, I've only met one and I never expect to meet another. My brother is close but he lacks something. I still don't have a clue about what that something is but I'm slowly learning.

Fujiwara is the person who is able to take my driving full throttle. I've already affirmed that point through my first battle with him. The totally unexpected bonus that I learned much later was the fact that I felt, deep within my being, that Fujiwara would be the person who would be able to take my bottled emotions.

That scares me. Much as I don't like to admit it, it scares me. That's a heavy burden for even me to bear let alone another person. But, I can't stop feeling this way. Is it love? Or is it something else? I don't know. I've never really felt 'love' for anyone, not even my brother.

Love is a very deep feeling. I know that much. But I also know that, even though it seems bottomless, there is a bottom to the feeling. Most people never reach it so they never know but it's there. I've gone straight from the top of love to the very bottom and have never been able to feel the in between. All I know is that love is a mirage, fleeting in it's time and finicky.

No, what I feel is something even deeper. Passion is too crud of a feeling for it to be this. What I feel is just and pure. It's so pure that sometimes I just want to cry and bask within that feeling. Obsession is too rude of a feeling. It has some negative points to it making it impure.

So, what am I feeling? That's the question I've been asking myself for over six months. The other questions I have are just as confusing. Why am I feeling this way? Why is it with Fujiwara Takumi? What's so special about him?

I've never really been serious about Project D. I suppose you can say I was very selfish in creating it. The real intention never was what the other team members thought. The real reason for this project was so that I could figure out the answers to those aforementioned questions. So, summarily, I created this project totally for Fujiwara Takumi.

I groom him, shape him, love him in a way that would be undetected by anyone but me. I groom him to become the man I see him becoming. It's so clear within my impeccable mind that I can't nearly taste it. There is my obsession that everyone sees. Not what anyone thought. My obsession is to watch Fujiwara grow and learn and become the man I see in my dreams. Thanks to this project, I can see it every week. This project has not disappointed me.

I shape him to become the best driver. He will do what I cannot. He will conquer the world with his driving technique. I have seen this clearly as well. This is another point to the project. Everything in this area has gone according to my plan.

I love him. This is where things get tricky. By teaching him, I am loving him. I give only one other person as much of my attention as I do Fujiwara Takumi and that is my brother, Keisuke. Love seems like an unworthy word to use because I don't know what I feel but, it will work for now. I've been very careful at directing everyone's thoughts to believe that I'm obsessed about driving. While partly true, it's not totally. I just have to find a way to be near him, talk to him, get to know him.

I'm not proud at what I'm doing. Who would be? I'm deceiving everyone who trusts in me because I have a selfish motive.

Ryousuke turned his chair to look at his closed door. There was absolute silence in the house. Keisuke had gone to bed early with a migraine. The workers complete their jobs by five. He was the only person still up.

He sighed before turning back to his computer.

Perhaps I'm not being totally truthful. Some of what people see is the truth. It's just that separating the truth from the lies gets complicated and confusing. Most people just take me at face value.

That's not smart. My own brother has dubbed me a monster, rightfully so. I don't doubt him in the least. Some of the things I've done in the past are unforgivable. But, I believe I have been given a second chance.

Perhaps my second chance started when I took my brother under my wing. Either way, I must have done something right to be shown such an amazing person such as Fujiwara.

I want to forget the past and move on with my future. I believe the way lies with Fujiwara. He alone holds the key to my future. By accepting my offer onto the team, he has unknowingly shouldered this immense burden onto himself. My instincts tell me that his subconscious knew full well what he was accepting to and, for that, I love him all the more.

Yes, I feel, with this person, I can achieve great things. With this person, I feel that I can finally let go to the half of my mask that I regret. With this person, I can achieve my dream and end this never ending game.

Ryousuke saved the document 'saved' and put it in his hidden folder along with his other journal. He took a moment to look at his blank screen before moving to get ready for bed.

Just before turning off the lights, he turned to look at his computer one last time and then flipped off the light.