Author's Note: Thanks to my delightful, new beta-reader, Erica, (Her ffnet penname remains unknown, she does not remember it.) correcting my mistakes.

Chapter Five- Delirious Delusions

"Honestly Granger, I really couldn't care less about them."

"But Malfoy, as much as I despise your horrid presence, I must ask for your assistance this time."

"They're your friends, not mine." Thank God. I added quickly under my breath. "I already knew they were gay, but it was just a matter of time before you found out."

"It just feels odd... confronting them... about... this matter."

"Oh? And having me around makes you feel better?" I felt a smirking tugging my lips. "I'm flattered."

Granger scowled, her lips pinching. "Yes." Her answer surprised me and upon seeing the satisfied expression on my face, she added quickly, "No—not really... per se... but—oh! I don't know!"

She grabbed my hand and started to pull me down a corridor I was not familiar with. We stopped in front of a portrait of a very fat lady. I gasped, realizing where she was about to take me. I took a stepped back, planted my feet firmly on the ground and crossed my arms defiantly. "No Granger, this is where I refuse to cross the line. There is no way in bloody hell that I'm going in there."

I would rather kiss Snape's pale, greasy arse (Not that I ever saw his arse, I thought, shuddering, but I was merely making an assumption.) than let myself be seen in the Gryffindor common room.

"Fine." She said and muttered the password, making sure I did not hear it. It was not like I cared, who wants to be the lowly, filthy Gryffindors' common room anyways?

A couple of moments later, Granger appeared through the portrait hole with Potter and Weasley behind her.

"Hermione, what is this about?" Potter asked in his whiny, annoying voice. It took a while for him and Weasley to noticed me. "What is he doing here?"

"Out of the goodness of my heart." I said.

Weasley rolled his eyes. "Yeah right, my arse."

I slowly followed Granger and the homoerotic Pothead and Weasley into an empty corridor. Suddenly, a thought had occurred. I, a Slytherin, alone with two gay Gryffindors, along with the questionable sexuality of a Gryffindor Head-Girl. Bloody hell! I have to get out of here!

I edgily took small steps back, making sure to keep my distance from them. I was so close to running away, but I knew if I did, I would never hear the end of it. Granger lives in the same room with me; there is no bloody way I am going to get her angry. "Can you hurry this up?"

"Yes, Hermione," Potter said, casting an annoyed look towards me. "What is this about?"

"Ron," Granger started, wringing her fingers nervously. "Harry... um... What you and Ron did last night...Malfoy and I know..."

The homosexual lovers looked at each other, evident surprise on their faces. Potter begun to rock nervously back and forth on his heels and gave a weak chuckle. "So you both know what Ron and I did?"

Granger looked at me solemnly, both of our eyes fell on them and we nodded.

Weasley's ears glowed a bright red, blending in perfectly with his atrocious, messy hair. "I wasn't that loud, was I? It was my first time."

My nose scrunched up in disgust. It was utterly disgusting that I am hearing another male say this, but it was Weasley, for Merlin's sake! My stomach did one too many flops and I could almost feel my lunch coming back up. I swallowed hard, pushing the food back down into my stomach. That did not feel too good.

"Ehh..." Granger hesitated. "You could've did it in your dorm room, instead of an empty classroom where a professor can easily find you."

"Yes, Potter." I said, agreeing.

I thanked god I had stopped Granger from opening that door, because, damn, if I seen Pothead and Weasel in action, I would have been psychologically corrupted, my poor, innocent eyes (having never seen such things) would be scarred and I just might have to replace them. I would never be able to see Potter and Weasley the same way ever again, but then again, it's not like I saw much of them in the first place—not that I ever would, mind you.

"For the sake of all of us."

"But Hermione," Potter protested, completely ignoring me. Damn bastard. I had made a promise I would not hit pansy men; it would be like hitting a woman.

"If we had did it in our dorm room, the other guys might want to do it too." He said.

I froze; my lower lip completely left the upper one as it dropped to the ground. Potter's comment kept repeating in my mind. If we had did it in our dorm room, the other guys might want to do it too. This statement only came to one absolute conclusion in my brilliant mind. I always knew there was something wrong about those Gryffindor boys! This only confirms my theory. I knew those Gryffindor males weren't right, there was constantly something abnormal about them and now, HA! This so-called bravery, whishing boldly into battle, always ready to fight like some damn brave hero... then it's their compassion... kindness... loyalty... honesty...sympathy and understanding... Honestly, what straight male possess all of those traits! From what I have seen, it's either you have one or the other.

Suddenly, a realization hit me. A delicious piece of flesh like me, straight and beautiful as a god (probably more), they are sure to want me. I must stay away from them—them flamboyant Gryffindor males—disgusting.

Oh, I cannot possibly wait until the rest of the school hears about this remarkable discovery.

Potter's statement must have also left Granger speechless because the silence was heavy—to hear that her male housemates are... very much attracted to each other. Oh who would go out with poor, busy-haired Granger now? Maybe she could pay some desperate Hufflepuff boy?

"T-they would also want to do it?" Granger managed to choke out after a while.

"Yeah." Potter nodded his head, a very serious look on his face. "They probably never had seen something like this before. I don't want to hurt them."

Granger looked like she was hyperventilating, her chest heaving in and out with incredible speed. My, my, her unfortunate ears to hear such things.

I, however, was fighting an internal battle—to laugh or not to laugh? That is the question. Potter can't possibly be that big, Merlin—no he's not! Frankly, I believe he is lying his arse off. In the end, my other side lost and I burst out laughing. Tears were almost streaming down my face. Never in my life had I heard anything so hilarious.

"Hey—What is so funny!" Potter demanded, his eyes glaring menacingly at me.

"Y-you don't want to hurt them?" I gasped, grasping my sides to keep my stomach from hurting.

"Yes," Potter said definitely. "Unlike you, Malfoy, I care about my friends."

I laughed louder. "Oh you hit the hippogriff's eye, Potter, fifty points to you—so remarkable. You're right, I don't care about my friends like the way you do."

Both Potter and Weasley looked confused, not fully getting my insinuation.

"Harry, Ron," Granger said quickly, shooting a scowl my way. "I just hope you know, that whatever happens, you can always come talk to me. I'll be open and listen. Just promise me that you will."

I had stopped laughing, although I could not help but break out in guffaws every once in a while. With my cheeks tired, I set a stern expression on my face and was determined not to laugh anymore.

"Promise me, okay?" There was a desperate look in Granger's eyes. I guessed she did not want to be left out—like the third wheel she always was and with this, she'll definitely remain the third wheel.

"We promise." Potter and Weasley said in unison. "Nothing will tear us apart, not even Malfoy." Weasley glowered at me. The threesome hugged each other. So sickening—all this affection.

"My, what a tight and loving family this is." I said, smirking.

"Shut up, Malfoy." Granger snapped. Her eyes softened as she turned back to Potter and Weasley. "Thanks guys. I have to go do some Head duty now. I'll see you later, okay?"

"Oh—and Hermione?" Potter said. "You won't tell anyone right?"

"Of course I won't." Granger said, smiling sincerely. She elbowed me forcefully. "Malfoy won't either."

"Whatever." I muttered flippantly, my mind completely occupied on the story I was devising to tell the rest of the Slytherins. While I was patrolling the corridors with that bitchy, mudblood Granger and arguing—like always, we heard a lot of groans and moans coming from a room. Turns out, it was scarface and his boyfriend, Weasel—apparently shagging the hell out of each other. What did I tell you? I knew they were gay! And not only that, Pothead confirmed that the rest of the Gryffindor males are also as flamboyant as him.

Technically, not all of them (I think), but I don't mind exaggerating.

Granger and I left the boys alone (Dear God, what would they be doing alone?) and went to find Snape's greasy ass. Earlier this morning (Double-Potions with Gryffindors on Tuesday and Thursday, promptly at nine o' clock), the git requested Granger and I to come to him directly after lunch for who knows what reason.

We walked down the cold and ominous corridor leading to the Potions class in the dungeon, the torchlights flickering, casting strange shadows dancing on the walls. Honestly, Slytherins may be cold-hearted and cruel, but Merlin, did the Head of our House have to have his room in the dungeons? Along with our common room? It's freezing down here!

I couldn't help but notice Granger's solemn silence. With that annoying feeling pricking me—it felt something relatively along the line... of sympathy? Nah, of course not. I shook my head at the thought. Draco Malfoy does not feel sympathy. It must be pity. Yes, that's it. Pity.

"So how are you feeling?" I asked her, trying to sound as impassive as possible.

"How do you think I feel?" She said rather imprudently. "My two bestfriends are gay, their friends are gay... Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if every guy in Gryffindor are gay!"

"Actually, they are—"

"Malfoy, you're not helping the situation!"

"Along with the majority of the Hufflepuffs—"

"MALFOY!"

"What?" I demanded, aggravated.

"What am I going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"If... the Gryffindor guys are... you know, what am I to do?"

I stared at her, shocked. Is Granger asking me for guy advice? I grinned. Yes, she is. Bloody wonderful.

"Well... err... turn into a lesbian?"

"Malfoy!" Granger gasped.

"What? There is nothing wrong with—"

"Just shut up."

"But you asked me—"

"Shush!"

I closed my mouth, nostrils flaring. How dare she? Asked me a question and have the impudence to tell me to shut up!

We reached the Potions class in silence. I refused to speak to her. Damn infuriating woman!

I knocked on the door and Snape opened the door, poking his oily head out.

"Come in." He said blankly.

We followed him in and took a seat before his desk.

"You may be wondering why I asked you two to come." He started.

Get on with it. I have other important things to do! I have—. I stopped, noticing that something was on Snape's lips. I squinted my eyes, trying to peer in closer. It was awfully shiny... and luminous... Did Snape oil his lips? Merlin, that is disgusting. Wait—no, it's not oil. There is a faint smell... Damn, I can smell it from here... Smells like... strawberries? What the hell?

"Mr. Malfoy, is there anything wrong with your eyes?"

"Huh?" I blinked.

Snape rolled his eyes and sneered. "You have been staring at me for the past five minutes. Is there anything on my face that you wish to tell me?"

"Uhh..." I uttered, rather dumbly. "No Professor."

Snape pursed his lips and continued on whatever he was talking about. I was not really listening because there was something else that captured my attention.

I gasped, finally realizing what it was. What was that thing that females use? Some Muggle makeup that found its way into the Wizard world... something even my own mother uses! That thing they put on their lips?

Lip water?

Lip oil?

Lip glue...? No... Something glossy...

Aha! Lip-gloss!

Snape is wearing lip-gloss... Fuck! What the hell is with him! I knew the slimy git was somewhat in need of help... or sex... Maybe Snape is secretly a cross-dresser? That would explain a lot.

"...Miss Granger... Mr. Malfoy... together... projects..."

Damn, that lip-gloss is so shiny I could see my reflection... Hmm... Snape needs to wash his mouth; there is something stuck in his teeth... and it's green... urgh...

"Mr. Malfoy?"

I can't believe I used to like this git. Damn cross-dresser...

"Mr. Malfoy!"

I snapped out of my thoughts. "What?"

"Have you been listening to anything I have been saying?"

"Yes. You were talking about Granger tied together with something and being projected... off a tower?"

Snape looked at me blankly. "No, Mr. Malfoy. It was nothing involving Miss Granger being projected off a tower."

"Oh. Damn." I said, sighing.

Granger sent a scowl along my way and I returned it with a smile, an evil one, at that.

"I was only testing you, Professor." I said, lying. "You want Granger and me to work together on a project."

"Yes, something like that." He nodded. I caught another reflection of me on his lips. I had the biggest urge to grab a paper and wipe his lips with it, but I forced myself to stay seated.

"And this project ties in with another one of your classes. The whole seventh year is doing this, but I'm telling you first so you can explain it to them later." He continued. "It will count as a double grade, one for this class and one for your other class."

The light on the wall bounced off Snape's lips and hit me directly in the eye. I squinted, looking at Snape through half-closed eyes.

"Mr. Malfoy, are you sure there is nothing wrong with your vision?"

"Yes, Professor."

"Then stop looking like such a retarded fool! Such a disgrace!"

I heard Granger snickered. I'll get her later.

I strained to open my eyes, but the light reflecting of Snape's glossy lips was just too powerful. "Professor, if I may be excused... there is something in my eyes..."

I got up from my seat and headed towards the door.

"Professor," I heard Granger say. "What is the other class?"

"Professor Daria Malfoy's class, Sex Education."

I halted in my steps, my eyelids shot open. Oh fuck no.

Author's Note: I'm thrilled to know that people like this story! My friends say that I have a strange sense of humor and I'm glad that you guys think this story is funny. Gracias!

Questions asked and answered:

Dramionerox: No, I don't think I'll be doing any of Hemione's P.O.V in this story. It's going to be purely Draco's P.O.V and maybe some scenes where Draco is not there.

The Brainless Wonderr: I'm purposely titling every chapter with D. D for Draco... since it is his story, after all...

Okay, this is very important. The story is told in Draco Malfoy's point of view, so this is all of his thinking. It could be factual or it could be false. Draco is the narrator, so all you know is his words and his own thoughts. All I'm telling you is you'll learn a little bit along the way.

So please don't go flaming me about things you think I insinuated.

I updated pretty quickly. Yay me!

So please review! Come on, I'll give you a cookie. )