Author's Note: So I got my computer fixed, but everything on that computer was lost. Now, I'll have to write this story from memory and god knows my memory sucks. I don't know what I'm doing and I'm sure as hell I don't know what I'm writing.

Events since my last update:

1. I turned sixteen in May. Downside—I totally did not get drunk at my Sweet Sixteen.

2. Read Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince (Truth be told, I didn't like it much. Hopefully the 7th book is better.)

IMPORTANT NOTE:

The sixth Harry Potter book does not relate to this story in any way. I'm the writing story as if the sixth book never existed.

The umpteenth time, yes, I know Blaise Zabini is a male in the Harry Potter books. I'm not going to change my story just to suit one bloody canon. If you don't like it, tough luck sweetie.

American cousins

The little innuendo about American cousins refers to the over usage of Hermione getting a makeover from a cousin, usually many fanfiction authors explains as from an 'American cousin.' Some even has 'French cousin', 'Asian cousin', 'Canadian cousin'… whatever cousin. I'm not going to be a total bastard and actually link the stories. Come on, I'm not that mean. To further delineate this, go to search, 'Story by summary', and type in 'Hermione… makeover' or something relatively along those lines and you'll see what I mean. If not, then I fear you are beyond my help and in dire need of a sense of humor or sarcasm.

Chapter Nine- Deceptive Draco

It was the second week of the school year of hell. Every minute of Daria's class felt like I aged ten bloody years. Hell, I felt older than that bloody coot, Dumbledore and that's saying something. He's ancient. Probably by the time class ended, I'll walk out with a cane. I would not be surprised if I make a rather dashing elderly man. Of course, it is a well known fact that Malfoys (excluding Daria) look better as we age. See, we are like wine. As more time pass, the finer we are. Yet that does not exclude the fact that I am handsome and dashing now (note the female population); they all want me—eliminate Granger, she is an entirely different species.

Speaking of Granger, I found it rather odd that as much as I despise and cannot tolerate her presence and everything she stands for, I seemed to talk an awful lot about her. The mudblood practically succeeds me in every academic subject (not that I'll ever admit my failure to her—Merlin blast me to hell if I do), she is Potter's best friend and absolutely the most infuriating witch to have around. Her righteousness, her damn goodwill and compassion—it sickened me to the point of almost respecting her. Hence the word almost.

Even the mere thought of her gave me an excruciating headache. I shook my head and came back to focus on reality.

Unfortunately once again, I found myself in Daria's class on a (strangely enough) blistering hot, mid-September Friday morning. First off, there are many things to consider wrong in this current situation. One, it was the weather. It was September, for Merlin's sake, mid-September! It was the time when leaves are supposed to be changing color or whatnot and it was supposed to get colder. Where was the cool breeze when you need it? Two, Mother did not send me any mail regarding the incident when I knocked the hell out of Daria—which of course is quite surprising. It's not that I want her to send me mail; I was merely worried why she hasn't. Three, Zabini was sitting next to me and Merlin knows I can't stand her.

I tried to adjust myself to be more comfortable, but my arse practically stuck to the chair.

"Malfoy," Zabini said. "You looked flushed." She gave me a queer look before her eyes widened and she asked in an innocent-sort-of-way. "Are you in heat?"

I nearly fell out of my chair. "Zabini, what kind of question is that? Of course not." I gave her a scorn. "If I was, Weasley would be on my arse in a second."

I shuddered, a sudden bad image popped into my mind. Even if Potter said they were not doing as well presumed he and Weasley were doing… the mere picture of them when I walked into the room and actually thought they were… There goes my appetite for the day.

I looked around the room. Why did everyone seem to be cool except me? And what was that blue aurora around them? Wait a minute… the cooling charm! Of course! Why didn't I think of that sooner?

"Because you are stupid."

"What?" I turned to face the voice.

Oh.

It was that Zabini again. Was I thinking out loud?

"I'm sorry; I think you mistook your intellect for mine." I told her.

"Draco, pay attention!" Daria's voice came out of nowhere. Where was I again? Oh, Daria's class. Damn.

I tried to focus on the topic at hand. What was she saying? Something… something…

"—This act is usually performed between two lovers… but considering the people of society today, even total strangers do it."

That's it!

Sex—my favorite topic.

Of course I was all eyes and ears now. Bloody hell, who wouldn't be? Probably Granger. Or Longbottom.

"Sexual intercourse is an action in which the male inserts his penis into a woman's vagina." Daria informed us as if we all did not know that already. Well, perhaps there are few others who could be an exception.

"So what about two males?" I asked, eyeing Potter and Weasley.

They must've immediately known I was talking about them since they turned their head to me and gave me pure looks of venom. Oy, I love being the evil bastard. It's a gift, really.

"W-well, that's different. I can't say I know this from experience." Daria said. "But gay men do it in a completely different way."

I snorted. From experience?

"Excuse me Professor Malfoy; you really don't have to answer that question." Granger said quickly. She was probably trying to save her friends from embarrassment. Oh how noble.

"I have to answer all questions, Miss Granger." Daria answered. "Questions must be answered. It's a learning experience and we're here to learn, right?"

"Y-yes…" Granger said slowly.

"That's right Granger." I told her. "And I'm intrigued to know the answer."

"Why bother Malfoy?" Potter chirped in. "You know already. After all, you did start the club. Therefore, you are the expertise."

"Aw, are you making a gay joke, Potter? You're hurting Weasley's feelings."

The red-headed bloke looked ready to kill me.

"Ohh—all of this animosity," Daria said. "It won't work in this classroom. Come on, shake hands and make up."

I sent my bloody aunt a darting look. Shake hands and make up? What does the bitch take me for?

"I said shake hands and make up or I'll pair you three up for the demonstration of sexual intercourse."

Any pigment of color I've ever had in my pale face was completely gone. Pair up with Pothead and Weasel for a sexual intercourse demonstration? There are at least a hundred things I can see wrong with that idea. The stake of my manliness… my reputation… Potter and Weasley losing their virginity… wait; they probably did it together already.

She has got to be kidding me.

She must've read my mind because she added, "I'm serious."

Damn, that's one hell of a threat.

Obviously, the two Gryffindors thought so too because they immediately stepped up with their hands outstretched. Fighting back the repulsed feeling within me for touching their hands, I shook both of their hands forcefully. Yet I knew shaking their hands weren't as bad as demonstrating sexual intercourse with them. I shuddered violently, thinking of how corrupted and traumatized I would be. I'm still innocent here!

"Okay everyone, I need everyone to pair up with the opposite gender." Daria said and clapped her hands.

"Ohh! Are we really going to demonstrate sexual intercourse?" Pansy asked excitedly and gave me a quick look.

Fuck no.

"No, of course not." Daria said, laughing.

Pansy looked disappointed.

I could breathe again. Thank god.

I looked around the room. Opposite gender? Hmm….

The Hufflepuff girls? I looked in their direction and flinched. Nope—out of the question.

Ravenclaws? All taken. Dammit.

Pansy? I might get raped.

Granger? No, Weasley got to her first. I was sure he and Potter would be paired up. Weasley always did look and acted like the female out of the two.

Zabini? These were all lose-lose situations for me.

I sighed heavily and prayed that my sanity would still be in tact by the time class was over. Somehow, I knew I was going to regret this.

"Zabini," I said, gritting my teeth. "Would you like to be my partner?"

"Why, I thought you never ask!" She beamed.

"I would never. This is desperation talking."

"You know with that comment, I could be a bitch and let you work with Pansy."

"No, no, Zabini is the sweetest and nicest girl in the world!"

Shit! I bit my tongue saying that.

"That's better." She said, grinning like the idiot she is.

"Now that everyone is paired up, I'll explain the details. Since you've learned about sexual intercourse, we will get started on consequences of unprotected sex." Daria said. "For guys, write what you believe will be your consequences and girls, you do the same. Share and discuss the consequences with your partner. When we meet again Monday, you'll share them with the rest of the class."

I took out a piece of parchment and my quill and inkpot. Consequences for unprotected sex for me? Let's see…

1. If I ever happened to get raped by Pansy, I'll be young and stuck with a kid that looks like her—which is a horrible consequence.

2. I would get diseases.

3. If I'm not raped by Pansy… then having a kid.

There, I'm done.

"Zabini, what did you write?" I asked her, peeking at her parchment.

"Stop looking—I'm not done yet!" She snapped, covering up her paper.

"We're supposed to share."

"Oh fine." She grumbled and then read her paper. "Stuck with a baby, get diseases, and um…"

"Um what?"

"Never mind." She said quickly.

"Wait, let me see." I reached over and made a grab for her paper. Zabini shrieked and jumped out of her chair. Performing a quick spell, she erased her last sentence. Damn witch, I wanted to embarrass her!

The clock rung, signaling that class has ended. Hallelujah. I shoved all of my things inside my bag and shrunk it, placing it into my pocket. It's so un-cool for Draco Malfoy to carry around a school bag. Only Ravenclaws and Granger do that.

"Draco and Hermione, I need to see you two for a moment." Daria said.

I silently cursed. Just when I thought I was done with her.

"Did you two get started on collecting the Potions ingredients yet?" She said.

I stopped short. Oh shit! It had totally slipped my mind. Oh well.

Although I do remembered well that Monday morning when Daria had first given us the list.

That Monday morning:

I was at the process of running out of her classroom just as soon as the clock struck when she called me back. Reluctantly, I returned. The evident expression on my face showed I did not want to see her again until Wednesday. Or maybe never, for that matter.

"Draco and Hermione, here is the list of the Potions ingredients that we need for this project." Daria handed us each a copy.

I looked at the list.

The title said, "Potions and Sex-Education (Professor Snape and Professor Malfoy)"

I shuddered, thinking how awful it would be if the two ever got together. This was beyond imagination. God forbid, honestly, what could be worst? The thought of them being together, getting married… having kids… Ugh, I feel sorry for their kids. They would have the most horrendous looking offspring—even uglier than Potter. And doing deeds that married couples do… I nearly shrieked out of pure disgust. My skin crawled at the thought of them doing anything other teaching. I shook my head, forcing the god-forbidden thoughts out of my head.

But thank Merlin, they're not together… Or at least, I hope not.

I looked down at the paper.

Emberin Tree bark

Referia Plant (Best when leaves are dark green)

Amnio Sap from Utere Tree (Only during Full Moon)

These ingredients looked familiar to me and I half-knew what their properties were—although I wasn't sure.

Emberin Tree bark? That would be hard to get. Hmm… unless I buy them.

Referia Plant? What the hell could we possibly do with the Referia Plant? Unless we were growing something…

Amnio Sap from Utere Tree? What could we be doing with these things?

Granger evidently thought the same thing because she was just as confused as I was.

"Daria, what exactly are we doing?" Granger asked.

"You haven't figured it out yet? I'm surprised." Daria said. "Well if you don't know, I'll tell you soon enough. I hate ruining surprises."

And I hate surprises. I stuffed the list into my pocket. I'll go get them when I feel like it—which might be never. Ha.

"Draco?"

Huh? I snapped back to reality.

"Have you been paying attention to what I was saying?" Daria said.

What kind of question is that? When I have I ever?

"Uhh… yes." I said, lying.

"So have you gotten the ingredients yet?" She asked again.

"Well, see…" I began, "I came down with this awful cold and I just couldn't get out of bed and I felt so sick it was terrible and–"

"Truthfully, Daria, we haven't." Granger said, interfering with my well-planned and well thought-out excuse.

I gave her a glare. Bloody witch.

"We'll get started tonight. Definitely." The busy-haired witch said.

"What? Tonight? But I have an appointment with this hot Ravenclaw—"

Granger stomped on my foot. I bit my lip to keep myself from screaming and nursed my injured foot. My glare should've sent her cowering with fear, but she merely disregarded me. She'll pay. Dammit, just as soon as I get some ice for my foot first.

"Fine. Tonight." I gritted. Fuckin' hell! And I was looking forward to snogging this Ravenclaw girl all day!

I knew Granger was going to ruin my social life the minute I saw her.

I devised a plan. A brilliant plan, if I do say so myself. Actually, it was rather simple too.

Well here it is:

Get Granger to get all of the ingredients while I lay back.

Isn't it genius? Of course it is. This is what that witch gets for messing up my evening plans.

"Granger," I said, moaning as I walked like a half-drunk cripple to her room. "I feel really sick."

She looked at me queerly as she leaned on the doorway and then said, "Hmm… You do look sick." She hesitated for a second. "But then again, you always do, so I guess that makes no difference."

I bit down on my tongue, forcing myself not to curse her out. How dare she say that I always look sick? Just because my skin is pale and is beautiful like porcelain, there is no need for her to get jealous!

"Come on Malfoy, you're wasting time." Granger said, walking away from me. I limped after her.

"Granger, I am quite sick." I said. "Feel my forehead—wait, on second thought, I don't want you to touch me. You probably get me sicker with your germs."

She suddenly stopped walking and turned around to face me, hands on her hips—in the same fashion that she always does whenever I said something that offended her. But it's not like I cared… right?

"I swear, Malfoy. Grow up." She said and stomped away, leaving me still standing crookedly like a bloody idiot.

I sighed heavily. There goes my brilliant plan.

Grabbing my cloak, I headed out of the common room and made my way out of the castle. There could have been so many things that I could be doing right now instead of wandering around in the damn Forbidden Forest… at night and with Granger! Snogging that hot Ravenclaw girl… annoying the hell out of Zabini… sleeping…snogging… torturing younger students… snogging… Merlin, the list goes on and on. I'm a very busy man!

I took a lantern by the door and traipsed across the grounds towards the forest. I did not see any signs of Granger. Damn, that she must'vebeen hauling her arse.

Always quick to get action, isn't she? I chortled to myself. Ah yes, so many meanings.

As I approached the forest, the feeling of apprehensiveness begun to overwhelmed me. I particularly did not have any fond memories being here, recalling back my first year. The darkness of the forest, not to mention the foul, gruesome creatures that lurked about… this forest was just plain creepy. I won't admit that I'm scared shitless though.

I passed the boundary of the forest and took a sharp breath. Shadows seemed to dance randomly all around me, but as I looked at my surroundings, I saw nothing. Merlin, I got goosebumps.

With each step I took, twigs and dried leaves cracked under the pressure of my foot. A light breeze passed by, causing the leaves to stir—rustling like one of those damn horror stories. Where the hell was Granger? Believe itor not, her company would be quite comforting right about now. She's never around when I need her.

I took the paper out of my pocket and strained to look at the writing. Like the lantern was much help in the damn dark forest. Clipping the paper under my arm, I pulled out my wand and murmured, "Lumos." That was better.

First item. Emberin Tree bark.

If I recalled correctly, Grange said it should be somewhere… west of here. And so, I headed west. The Emberin Tree bark was supposed to be very light colored, the outer covering hard and inside was supposed to be sort of spongy. A major distinction of it was the size of its leaves. They are humungous.

I scanned the area around me as I walked. Where is it?

The hairs on my head pricked. Something was wrong. It was like a natural instinct. I heard something moved around me. It sounded like a snap… then a crack… and crunching. I spun at all angles, trying to get a better view. I saw nothing, but I knew something was there.

My heartbeat quickened and I clenched the wand tighter. Hell, I'll blast whatever it is to oblivion and beyond. The snapping of twigs sounded like it was all around me. Was there more than one of them?

Suddenly, something stepped out from behind the trees—a shadow of some sort. Shouting a quick spell, I aimed my wand towards it. A light exploded. Did I hit it?

It moved again. I prepared to blast it.

"Hell Malfoy, are you trying to kill me?"

Wait a minute… I know that voice… It sounded annoying… It sounded like…

Granger.

I narrowed my eyes. The figure stood up. I could recognize that figure anywhere. It is Granger.

"You almost killed me you bloody idiot!" Granger said furiously.

"I know. Shame that I didn't, huh?" I said, lowering my wand.

Granger mumbled something incoherently that sounded like "idiot… stupid… kill… choke… him."

"Look Granger," I said, noticing something. I pointed to the tree behind her. "I found the Emberin Tree without your help."

Haha. I was a bloody arse liar.

But Granger was not looking to where I was pointing. Angered, I said louder, "Bitch, do you hear me? I found the bloody tree!"

Still, she did not turned her head as she stared directly passed me. "I know I'm beautiful, so stop staring!"

She slowly shook her head as her mouth was wide opened. How can she not agree that I am beautiful?

Granger pointed to something behind me.

I turned around,

and screamed my bloody arse off.

Author's Notes: Junior year started, (Upperclassman!) so I'll be much busier. With sports, AP classes, homework, and all that crap, I won't be able to update regularly. I'll try whenever I have free time. This story will take a while, but I will finish it.

In the meantime, I'm running out of ideas because my computer lost all of my information and I can't remember anything, so feel free to offer suggestions. I know the plot overview, just minor stuff I need some ideas.

Every chapter won't be hilariously funny. Just so you know.