Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews. Much love to you.

Has anyone heard of the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy? I was watching this episode where they made a parody of Harry Potter. Harry Potter was dubbed "Planter", Hermione as "Herfeiffefer" or something like that, and Draco as "Dorko". The school was "Toadswash". "Planter" was featured as a geek, "Herfeiffefer" was a voluptuous babe and "Dorko" was a hunk. "Herfeiffefer" and "Dorko" went together and "Planter" was trying to win "Herfeiffefer"'s heart. Damn, it was so stupid and hilarious.

Chapter Ten

Desserts Delivered

It has left me dumbfounded that I should find something as ridiculous as this terrifying, much less scarier than Voldemort himself. As a matter of fact, I personally believed Voldemort is all pansies and daisies compared to this. Why, such a disgrace of my Malfoy name. Then again, people would just have to understand that there are not many things in this world that can cause Draco Malfoy to scream like a little girl (as downright humiliating as it is to admit that horrible fact), so once I come in contact with one of my few fears, of course I would scream my bloody arse off. It is a natural reaction, one cannot blame me for acting like so. Why, if Pothead ever encountered his fear (finding out that Weasel has been cheating on him), then Pothead too, would scream like a little girl.

Now, besides screaming my arse off, if I could recall all of the situations which I find myself nearly shitting in my pants, this would be definitely considered as one of them. It is humiliating enough that my scream is higher than Daria when she drinks alcohol, but the fact that I nearly crapped in my pants in doing so was far worst. Thank the stars that no one knows that.

The hairs on my skin stood upright. My embarrassingly high shriek continued as I stared with eyes wide opened at the thing in front of me. The thing was hideous, it was gruesome, it was freaky….fuck, it was downright terrifying. Never had I seen something so grossly devilish that I wanted to renounce my evil ways and be redeemed for the sake of being saved from the thing.

Hell, it was a bloody clown standing right in front of me.

I could almost feel my legs quivering. Merlin knows I'm scared of clowns. A particular memory flooded back into my mind.

I was a young lad at a tender age when my mind was not filled with evil thoughts and was bent on corrupting the lives of others. I was celebrating my fifth birthday with my family and the Malfoys' closest friends. Mother had gotten me this gigantic cake that I was anxiously waiting to dive in to. We had just completed the dinner portion of the party and it was due time for the cutting of the cake. It was ravishingly decorated, the colors of silver and green, of course (I have always loved those colors, even though I knew one day I would destined to be in Slytherin anyways). Ever since I was one year old, Mother and Father always had a surprise for me within the cake, usually it would be Purgy the Alien Penguin, but for some unknown wicked reason, they decided to change the tradition and get someone else. And yes, what a horrible mistake it was.

Unbeknownst to me as I got ready to receive my traditional greeting from Purgy the Alien Penguin, a bloody clown jumped out of my cake and scared the living daylights out of my tiny body. My first glimpse of the clown was horrifying; it had the ugliest face (reminded me of Pansy a bit when she used tons of makeup) and the expression on the clown's face even further enhanced its grossly features. I did not know exactly what, but the clown just scared the hell out of me.

I later learned that the clown was a magical clown, although it was rather clumsy and while jumping out of the cake, the cake exploded. The party was ruined, so the thing attempted to liven up the mood. However, the clown's attempts were futile. Father, having sensed my uncomfortable mood, fired the clown and since it was so terrible, he made sure that the clown would never have another party to work for ever again. The look of pure hatred on the clown's face from Father's action chilled me to the bone. The clown left, but I felt its leering eyes on me, piercing right through me as if I was responsible for everything that happened to me. It was certainly not my fault it was terrible at its job!

When I went to bed later that night, the hairs on my neck pricked and I could have sworn I heard the clown's laughter resonating through the darkness. I told Mother and Father about it, but they simply disregarded it as a figment of my overactive imagination. All through the night as I lay under the covers, the image of the clown had not left my mind. I kept hearing him, hearing the clown's whispers in my ears, returning one day and vowing vengeance.

My nightmares of the clown did not end until three weeks later. The incident forever traumatized me. I have not seen the clown since, but in the back of mind, I knew he was probably still planning his revenge. Call me paranoid, but its Malfoy intuition.

Is it not a sad story? Yes, it is.

So now I stood face-to-face with the clown again. The same horrendous countenance, same ugly grin… How the clown got here and how it found me, I did not care at the moment. Any thoughts about using hexes, jinxes, or curses escaped my mind. My only worry was getting the hell away from it.

Bright lights flashed before my eyes and I thought this was the end for me. I turned on my heels and hauled my arse away, not bothering to look back. I did not know where I was going, but as long as I was away from it, I was fine. I pushed branches out of my way and dodged trees, practically running blindly into nowhere even though my eyes were wide open. I stopped shortly, thinking that I heard something behind me.

It did not sound like the clown was coming… it did not sound like the clown at all.

It sounded like…

Laughter.

I turned around slowly, wondering what the bloody hell was going on. Why would I hear laughter? Was I going out of my mind? It couldn't be.

All the fear I had was gone and I headed back. The laughter got louder as I got closer and they sounded awfully familiar. Where did I hear it before?

There were also voices. I quickened my pace, determined to get to the bottom of the situation. Suspicions filled me as I drew closer. The voices were recognizable now.

They sounded like…

Granger…

Potter…

Weasley…

And someone else… A boy I did not know.

I growled deeply, anger quickly consuming me. I balled my fist, frustration also overwhelming me. They played me. I couldn't believe it, they played me and I fell so deeply for their trick.

I stepped back into the clearing where they all stood. Their chortles quickly ended and they all stared at me. I looked at the other boy. He was holding a camera in his hands. The Creevey boy. So that was where the flashes came from. Rage twisted violently in me, but I forced myself to suppress it. I looked around for the clown, but only saw a chest in its place.

A fucking boggart.

That was how they knew my deepest fear, or rather, they didn't and they used a fucking boggart.

"You all think this is very funny, don't you?" I said spitefully.

"Actually, I find it hilarious." Potter said, grinning. "Who knew the infamous Draco Malfoy was scared shitless of clowns?" He looked at Weasley and the two ended up laughing their bloody arses off.

I whipped my head in Granger's direction who was smiling. "And I suppose you were in this little escapade, too?"

"No," She said, her lips forming a thin line. "But I will not report it. I'm tired of you Malfoy. I'm tired of you picking on me and my friends. It's time you get treated like who you treat others."

"I see," I said, scanning her face. "We'll see who gets the last laugh." I took out my wand and pointed it to Weasley's direction. "Crucio!"

Probably sensing my attack beforehand, Granger screamed, "Petrificus Totalus!"

I froze, feeling myself dropping my wand and falling to the ground. The mudblood paralyzed me.

"Mobilicorpus," I heard Granger say. I felt myself being levitated off the ground. Granger muttered something else and next thing I knew, I had blacked out.

My body was sore as hell by the time I gained consciousness again. I was in my room, how I got here, I did not know. Granger was sitting on her bed, looking at me with an impassive look on her face. Remnants of the previous night flashed back into my mind and I snarled at their trickery. The clown… camera flashing… Potter and Weasley laughing… If I did not feel like shit, I would have lunged forward and choked the bloody witch.

"Are you satisfied now?" I asked her.

"I can't really say. That little incident does not retaliate all the years of hell you gave us." She said.

"So I would be expecting more?"

"That depends on Harry and Ron."

"You set it all up? This—this fucking plan to humiliate me?"

"No, it was Harry and Ron's. I did not stop them nor did I help them in any way. It was pure luck that they managed to hear me say that we were going to the Forbidden Forest last night. They did not forget about that poster, Malfoy."

"Fucking bastards," I said hatefully.

"Look who's talking." A faint smile crossed Granger's lips. "As of now, I presume that something else shall take its place."

"What?"

"The photos of you screaming your arse off are now plastered all over the school."

Color drained from my face, making me appear more pallid than usual. Shit.

I knew I should've aimed the curse for the Creevey boy first and destroy his blasted camera. I swung my legs over the bed and painstakingly stood up.

"Where is Pothead and Weasel?" I demanded, thinking of all the possible ways that I could kill them.

"They're serving detention with McGonagall."

"For what?"

"For being in the Forbidden Forest without permission," She said. "Daria gave us permission, that's why we're not joining them." She then smiled. "They said detention is a small price to pay for the delight of humiliating the hell out of you."

"Granger, if I had the strength to use my hands, I would slap that bloody smile off your face."

Her smile only got bigger at my threat. "You are not going to run around the school and tear down the photos?"

"No, I assume that everyone has probably seen it, knowing this damn school. I shall not further my humiliation by showing my face. I'm going to stay in this room until the-boy-who-lived becomes the-boy-who-died."

"That's going to be a long while."

"My point exactly." I shuffled around for my shoes. "Why aren't you somewhere off—like in the library doing your homework or caressing a book or something?"

Granger frowned disapprovingly at my comment. "FYI Draco Malfoy, I do not caress books. I simply read them."

I snorted loudly. "If you were able to, I bet you would shove them far up there."

I was suddenly smacked with by a pillow.

"You really deserved what Harry and Ron did to you."

"I've already begun planning what I would do to them and it's going to be much worse." I said, smiling sinisterly. Much worse.

My plan of isolating myself in my room did not particularly go well. After the first twenty minutes or so, I was bored out of my bloody mind and not to mention, hungry. Granger left me to go caressing—I mean, reading her oh-so-wonderful books in the library—which left me no one to torture. Thus, I summoned all my dignity (which was only a mere fraction) and left the safe confinements of my room and into the Hogwarts corridors. For the first five minutes of wandering around, I did not encounter anyone and so far, I was safe from the humiliation of being ridiculed. However, as I turned around the corner, I ran right smack into the object of my degradation.

The portrait featured my mouth hanging wide open, nearly extending past the frame of the picture and I was staring with bulged out eyes at the clown ahead of me. The clown held a large, sinister grin that would had sent Voldemort screaming for his Mummy. I say, I have never seen an uglier picture of me and that's saying a lot because I'm practically the most devilishly handsome man around. Now if I were not so immensely infuriated, I would have given the Creevey boy his props for capturing that mere second of a horrible moment when I do not look as good as I should. (Simply because I always look good.) But alas, upon seeing that portrait, all reasonable thoughts soared out of my mind and I was only bent on killing Pothead and Weasel with a bit of torture for Granger and the Creevey boy.

With relentless anger, I ripped the picture from the wall and blasted the thing into ashes. If only I could do the same to Potter and Weasley, I would be satisfied. Potter, the wonderful boy-who-lived is the biggest agitation in the arse along with his poor-as-dirt boyfriend, Weasley. They make my blood boil.

I stormed through the hallways, looking to shed some innocent blood. I stopped shortly, suddenly hearing faint giggles in the distance. I turned my head from side to side, opened my ears and wondered where the sound was coming from. Like every sources of mysterious sounds, it came from a classroom and not just any classroom… I shuddered violently. Daria's classroom. I feared going near that wretched place, but my curiosity was overwhelming me. Why would that bloody woman be giggling? Such a hideous giggle.

I tiptoed to the door of the classroom and gently pressed my ears to the wooden surface.

Fucking hell, there wasn't anything interesting that I could hear above that blasted woman's crow-like laughter.

"Oh Severus, you're such a teaser! Ohh—that tickles!"

Bloody hell, I spoke too soon.

"Severus, I love it when you use chocolate cherries with that tongue of yours!"

I felt like I just had a seizer as I backed frantically away from the door. This was far too much for me to handle. I have learned my lesson about listening on doors. Potter and Weasley nearly sent my innocence sailing out the window by conjuring up explicit images of them… ugh… in my head. I think my head cannot handle Daria and… oh Severus! The thought of them makes me cringe to the point of getting a spasm.

I ran away from the classroom as fast as I could. Of course the signs were obvious. The two of them working together to give us hell with that damn project—that's thrill for them. Honestly, what mad man would want to be with Daria? Even as downright disgusting as it is, Snape does seem like the ideal choice. After all, who would want his greasy arse—Daria!

Not only that, the crazy woman ruined chocolate cherries for me. Oh how I would never be able to look at one of my favorite desserts the same way again. I could almost feel myself crying inside. No more chocolate cherries for me.

However, that was the least of my concerns when I once again located another horrible picture of me screaming at the despicable clown. I ripped it from the wall and wished that Potter or Weasley was here so I could shove the picture down their throats. Better yet, I'll save the picture and shove it down their throats later.

What a terrible morning this has become.

My aunt and my teacher are together…

What could be worse?

The whole school ridiculing me about the picture?

I dread to know the other options.

After finding out that Snape and Daria are together, I didn't have much of appetite. After all, who could? I avoided the Great Hall not only because seeing Snape and Daria brought disturbing images to my poor, innocent mind, but I really was not too keen on the idea of Potter and Weasley ridiculing me in front of the school population. It was now dinnertime and I have successfully avoided any contact with other human beings, but I knew I couldn't keep up the act forever. I was bound to be the laughingstock sooner or later. I rather have it later.

I summoned one of the house elves to bring me my dinner and it came promptly. They're such useful creatures, I can't think of a damn reason why Granger wanted to give them freedom in the first place. Besides, they love serving people. Speaking of Granger, I wondered what she might be doing right now. Probably with Potter and Weasley? Jeez, they're never going to have a threesome with her. She should just stop trying, but it's not like I cared what she does with her time. The bloody witch can go jump off the Astronomy Tower.

Looking at the platters of food in front of me, I frowned.

"Where's my dessert?" I asked; looking at the ugly elf and thinking if Snape and Daria were ever to reproduce, it would result in something looking like that.

"Mister Malfoy wishes the tonight special?"

"What is it?"

"Cherries with chocolate. Mister Malfoy love chocolate cherries!"

I coughed, the piece of chicken going down the wrong way. I cleared my thought and scowled at the elf. "Don't ever say chocolate cherries!"

The elf whimpered. "But Mister Malfoy, that special of tonight."

"I don't care." I said and gulped down a glass of pumpkin juice. "Get me some cookies."

The elf scurried off. I still couldn't fathom the idea of Daria and Snape together. My aunt and my teacher. Merlin, imagine if she brings him over for Thanksgiving… Christmas… summer vacation… Constantly seeing Snape… I almost cried. Almost.

Then a thought struck me. What if I have to call him Uncle Severus? Bloody hell!

I jumped up from my seat. No! I have to stop this relationship!

I'll be fucking damned if Snape becomes my uncle.

That night, when the rest of Hogwarts was in slumber, I crept quietly down the dark hallway towards Daria's dormitory. I clutched the struggling bundle closely. Scanning the area around the door to make sure no one was there; I pulled a note and attached it to the bundle. I left it at Daria's door. Wait until Daria gets this surprise.

My dear sweet Daria,

I love cats and decided to get you one too. A token of my love to you.

Severus Snape.

I grinned evilly and dashed away, disappearing into the darkness.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling ever rejuvenated. I even went to breakfast, not caring about the sniggers that came my way. I was in such a delightful mood that I did not bother to scowl at the faces laughing at me. Funny they stopped laughing and looked at me in horror as they realized that I was smiling. They were probably expecting me to give them a deadly glare that would result in them laughing even more. However, me smiling caught them off guard and left them speechless. It was a wonderful morning, indeed.

I sat down at my usual spot at the Slytherin table.

"What are you so happy about?" Zabini asked, eyeing me queerly. "What poor little kid did you torture? Come on, out with it!"

"Zabini, why such low opinions of me?" I said, mocking hurt. "Am I not entitled to happiness?"

Zabini snorted, almost choking. "Draco Malfoy? Happiness? Hell no."

I dismissed her with a pompous wave of my hand. The entrance to the Great Hall caught my eyes. Daria was standing there, clutching a golden cat in her arms. She strolled down the aisle, beaming happily.

Zabini looked at her oddly. "I thought your aunt hates cats. Doesn't she have a cat phobia or something?"

The goblet cracked under the pressure of my hands as I squeezed it tightly, channeling my anger. Daria ruined my plan! She hated cats! Usually, she would haul to the other side of the country if a cat so much is in the same room as her. She would not even come near anyone who has cats for pets. But why the hell is she clutching that damn thing? Something is wrong with her and I'm going to find out what it is.

I stood up from my seat and calmly walked up to Daria. Innocently, I looked at the cat in her arms and asked, "Aunt Daria, aren't you scared of cats? Why are you holding it so closely?"

"Well," She began, grinning. Gods, she and the cat looks just alike. I thought. The resemblance is uncanny.

"Severus has brought me a cat. I found it in front of my door this morning. First, it scared the daylights out of me but once I saw it was from Severus, I calmed down. I have been thinking, and now I found it absurd to be scared of such adorable little creatures. Me and Sevvy here have got to know each other. Whatever happened in the past that started my phobia is now gone. I faced my fears." She added with a smile.

Sevvy? What the fuck?

I could feel my veins in my forehead twitching. "Well, that's wonderful. Really wonderful." I said pleasantly and walked away. I hope Sevvy gives you hell of a lot of trouble.

I walked no more than a couple of steps when I suddenly felt something wet and sharp sinking into my arse. The pain jolted throughout my arse and I quickly turned around, knocking off whatever bit me. It was the bloody cat. It screeched at me and jumped back into Daria's arms. Shit, it hurt like hell. I could feel my blood seeping out.

The students and teachers stared in a stunned silence.

"Bad Sevvy, bad!" Daria said, scowling at the damn cat. "You do not bite Draco in his buttocks!"

Slowly, I heard it, commencing from the Gryffindor and then spreading throughout the Great Hall like an infectious disease. The sound of laughter—mocking, humiliating laughter. I could hear them all, knowing the raucous laughter of Potter and Weasley, loud above all of the others.

My plan literally backfired and bit me in the arse. Fucking wonderful.

Author's Note: I promise next chapter would be more fruitful, eventful, informational and hopefully, more humorous… Basically, it would be better than this once. I just had to get this out to write the other one.

Rate/review please. Constructive criticisms would make the story better.