Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews. This might be the only update in a long while… not that I was much consistent in the first place. Haha—my bad.

I read some of my chapters over and I realized my editing was atrocious. Bleh.

P.S. I swear some people are illiterate. This must be my third time writing it. Yes, I now know Blaise is a damn boy. Stop reprimanding me about it. If people can't handle the sex change, then don't read! At least I'm not making Blaise a transvestite. (Which I formerly planned to, but abandoned the idea.)

Chapter Eleven

Domestic Dilemmas

Unfortunately, I have the unbreakable habit of instantly jumping to conclusions even when I did not have the entire story. Daria and Snape? Gods, has insanity overwhelmed them?

I was irritable the entire day. I sat in the armchair of the Slytherin common room, staring into the ashes in the fireplace. It was not cold enough to light a fire yet. The students all avoided any contact with my foul mood. All except one, that is.

"What's biting your arse?" Zabini asked me, grinning. "No pun intended, of course."

"Shut up Zabini." I said.

"I guess a certain little kitty managed to crawl itself up there, huh?"

"Zabini, I swear… one more comment about that damn cat…" I said threateningly.

"Fine, fine! Old sourpuss!"

Seeing my deadly look, Zabini rushed out of the common room before I had the chance to hex the living daylights out of her. Once she disappeared, I returned to my thoughts. I was in quite a dilemma and I pondered on how I could approach the problem. If Daria was able to overcome her cat phobia for Snape, Merlin knows what other things she could do. I sighed heavily, raking my fingers through my hair. How was I going to handle this?

Maybe I should sleep on it. I didn't get much of it last night since I was kept wide awake by the irksome thought that Snape might be my uncle. Anyone would stay awake fearing the thought that one's Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner would be plagued by a certain greasy-haired git. I shuddered. I couldn't get the thought of chocolate cherries out of my head. Now every time I looked at Snape, my mind would unwillingly imagine Snape rolling chocolate cherries on his tongue. Yes, a shudder of the horror to the point of getting a spasm because it was just so damn creepy.

I traipsed out of the Slytherin common room and made way back to my own room. Along the way, I still saw some photos of me. A hidden anger suddenly unfolded and my mind darted back to plotting revenge, causing humiliation and deep agony for Potter, Weasley, that Creevey boy and… I pondered on it for a minute or two. Maybe living with Granger all this time caused me to… somewhat taken a slight… a minor… tolerance for her? I really didn't want to cause as much hurt to her as I did to the three Gryffindor boys.

Whatever I planned to do, it had escaped my mind as I got into my room, fell onto my bed, and slept until Monday morning.

When I woke up, the clock was striking eight o' clock. I sat up slowly, still fogged by sleep, and wondered what the hell I was supposed to be doing today. Then I bolted upright, my eyes flashing open. I have classes today! Ah, fuck.

Wait, I thought. Today is Monday… that means… Daria!

I groaned, falling back into the warm comforts of my sheets. I couldn't careless about going to her class on time. Idly, I got ready and walked to her class at a leisure pace. Somehow, as if the devilish witch herself was controlling time, I was only ten minutes late when I expected to have wasted at least half an hour. It was a bloody curse.

I walked into the classroom; all eyes were drawn upon my glorious being.

"Well, Draco." Daria said, smiling. "Glad you can make it. Better late than never, they say."

I walked to the back of the classroom and grudgingly took the only seat left in the room. Next to Zabini. I guess that was my punishment for being late—sitting next to a psycho.

"You missed my spectacular performance." Zabini said.

"Did it involve you getting flogged or hexed?"

Zabini pouted her lips. "No. How can you be so cruel? I was delivering our list for the consequences on unprotected sex."

"Then it wasn't worth seeing."

Zabini rolled her eyes and turned away from me.

My eyes fell onto the big bulge on Daria's desk. A big, golden piece of blubber. Sevvy.

She really did overcome her phobia of cats and has brought its presence to join us. How wonderful.

My eyes narrowed. The cat was a reincarnation of evil. The fat-turd sat on Daria's desk, eyes gleaming with mischief. As if it could feel my eyes upon it, the cat turned towards me. Laying its blue eyes on me, the cat hissed, drawing its claws upward as if it could stick up its middle finger… or claw.

I knew the cat was evil from the very moment I found it astray outside the Hogwarts grounds last Saturday night. The uncanny resemblance to Daria was the foremost characteristic that marked it as Devil's spawn. It sat there, mocking me… I could see past its façade. If anything, I bet it would love to take another bite of my scrumptious arse. I hissed at the cat and stuck my tongue out.

"Be careful Malfoy, the cat will get your tongue." Zabini said warily.

"Not if it doesn't get off its fat arse first." I said. I was surprised I was able to carry it to Daria's room without much exhaustion. Now, I wanted nothing more than to take my wand and turn Sevvy into cat barbeque. The cat seemed to grin at me, but I couldn't really tell under the layers of fur covering its mouth. Maybe I was getting paranoid. I sneered at the cat, daring it to make any action.

Sevvy screeched, turned around on the desk and bared its big, fat arse in the air, wiggling it mockingly. Angry smoke billowed out of my nose. The cat moved its arse in a circular motion, knowing that it irritated me and that I couldn't do anything to it. I clutched my wand tightly, a curse on the verge of spilling out of my lips.

"Malfoy, don't you dare." There was a sharp edge in Zabini's tone, as if she predicted my action.

"Look at what it is doing!" I pointed to the cat, shaking its arse like a damn salt shaker. Merlin, the cat was probably an ex-pole dancer cat before I found it.

"Stop bothering him and he won't bother you."

I gritted my teeth and suppressed my anger. My eyes moved away from Sevvy and onto Daria, hoping that she could offer me some sort of comical distraction.

"Now that I have a pretty good idea of what knowledge you have attained about unprotected sex, I shall broaden your mind and fix any misgivings you might have." Daria said, picking up her wand from her desk, not noticing that her damn Sevvy was still giggling its arse. "Muggle research shows that one can contract deadly diseases with unprotected sex. Now who ever said Muggles were useless? That is entirely untrue." Daria said, waving her wand in swirl-like movements. "I will proceed to show you a normal-looking human being."

She then conjured up a holographic image of a woman standing in front of us. "You cannot tell if she has any illnesses or not, so you're always putting yourself at risk. HIV or Human Immunodeficiency Virus, is quite an epidemic in the Muggle world. Sadly, there is no cure as of yet."

Daria waved her wand to the board and the letters of the disease appeared on the dark surface. Students scrambled to write their notes down. I, however did not bother. I'm never going to sleep with a Muggle, so I really couldn't careless.

Daria's eyes narrowed and the usual bubbly, idiot-like demeanor of her disappeared. "Don't think simply because you are wizards and witches make you an exception to this disease. It shall prey on you once contaminated, not caring whether you are a pure-blooded wizard or a Muggle."

There was a thick silence in the air. Daria continued, "Symptoms won't be evitable." She pointed to the holographic woman with her wand. "This woman carries HIV, but can you tell? Unless they have a printed sign across their forehead, then absolutely not." She stilled us with her stern gaze. Somehow, I couldn't see my old aunt Daria in this new foreign woman.

"The more apparent ones, however…" said Daria, waving her wand. "Shall have some unpleasant and unsightly results like this." Suddenly, revolting blisters begun to appear on the woman's lips. Her face began to look sickening.

My lips curled in disgust. "Gods, that looks like Pansy in the morning." I said, somewhat a bit too loud.

The class erupted into laughter while Pansy shot me a deadly glare.

Daria did not say anything, which surprised me. She merely looked at me with a fixed gaze. Where was the fun in interrupting her class when she did not retaliate? Her silence was worst. Merlin, was Snape changing her? Even though I wouldn't admit it, I rather have the old retarded Daria than this serious Snape-like thing.

Daria turned away and continued to conjure up more holographic images of people infected with various diseases associated with sex. "You are young. You might not understand the seriousness of this. Stripped of our magic, we are like Muggles. But even with our magic, we are still powerless against these viruses. I daresay I fear HIV more than you-know-who."

Some of the students gasped. More fearful than you-know-who? Indeed that would be terrifying.

I snorted, laughing silently to myself. If you ever slept with Snape, then you should be. Suddenly, that thought didn't appear to be so amusing anymore once an image popped into my head. I quickly shook it away, berating myself to never think such horrible things ever again.

The holographic image of the Pansy-resembling woman disappeared. I sank back into my chair and my eyes flickered on Sevvy who had stopped his pole-dancing movements. Seeing a fat cat shake his arse… what a way to start my morning. Sevvy was grooming himself, gathering a mass of fur ball in his mouth as he licked himself clean. Once again, as if the cat had some supernatural powers, he looked up at me and bared his fangs. He ran his pointy tongue along the sides of his teeth. Gods, I feared for my arse. It still hurt a little every time I sat down.

I ignored it, knowing very well that if the bastard cat started to shake its arse again, I would have hexed it.

"All right, everyone pair up! Opposite genders! Draco and Hermione, I want you two together." Daria said, clapping her hands.

Granger and I both opened our mouths at the same time to protest. "Wha—?"

However, Daria halted us with her hand. This woman was deliberately making my life hell.

"While having a sex education class, we will also be doing a little side project. Draco and Hermione were kind enough to go get our ingredients from the Forbidden Forest." Daria said. "Wednesday, you will all go to the Potions classroom where Professor Snape will instruct you on how to brew a potion, so please bring your caldrons."

Curious glances were shot around the classroom.

"…a potion? Professor Snape?"

"…what the hell?"

Granger reluctantly came to sit at my table. Usually, she would be spewing curses for working with me, but this time, I knew she was probably used to being cursed by Daria. The imp of a witch with bushy brown hair looked at me in silence.

"Granger, I'm used to being stared at because I am so damn gorgeous, but you're creeping me out." I said, edging away from the table.

"No, Malfoy." said Granger. "I'm just imagining myself drilling two big holes in your head to release all of that pompous air."

"Say, has the cat bit you in the arse too? Is that why you're acting more of a bitch than usual?"

"I don't know if I should tell you, but I guess anyway since I'll be working with you for quite a long while."

My eyes were hued with suspicion. "What are you going on about Granger? Tell me!"

Granger sighed, leaned in closer, and said, "I did a bit of research on the potion ingredients that we were supposed to get. It was so obvious too! I mean I was ashamed of myself for not getting it when we first received the list."

"What? What?"

"The properties of the ingredients were practically glaring in my face. Professor Malfoy hinted it so much as to what our project was. I couldn't believe I was so slow." Merlin, she rambled on and on.

"Granger, tell me!" I grabbed her and shook her. "Tell me, dammit!"

"Malfoy, get off me!" She pushed me off.

"Fine, but tell me!"

"You know what? If you don't ask nicely, I'm not telling you anything." She crossed her arms stubbornly.

I let out a big puff. This witch was beyond aggravating right now.

"Granger, would you fucking tell me?"

"I said nicely." She hissed.

"What seems to be the problem here?" Daria appeared out of nowhere and loomed over me, her face a foot away from mine. Suddenly, a faint smell wafted to my nose. I knew I smelled it before, but I couldn't exactly place where. My mind scanned for the remembrance of that smell, but I couldn't fathom it. A twinkle of a light reflected off something and bounced into my eye. I cringed. Unknowingly, my eyes fell to Daria's lips and my mind clicked.

Only one word escaped my lips. "Shiny…"

I remembered! I didn't know how I could have missed it before. Snape's shiny lips! That was when I first smelled it… strawberries. If the lip gloss on Daria's lips smelled like strawberries and Snape had lip gloss on his lips…Daria and Snape are indirectly together… then either Snape applied Daria's lip gloss on his lips or he and Daria were… I moved away in fear, almost collapsing off my chair.

Daria looked at me oddly. "Are you all right Draco? You seem a little pale."

"He's always pale." Granger remarked. "It's nothing new."

I sneered at her.

"I meant he's paler than usual." Daria's features softened. "Anything wrong Draco-Wa—?" She touched my forehead, but I quickly slapped her hand away.

"I'm fine!" Gods, this woman was so close… I thought she had forgotten that ridiculous name!

Just then, the clock struck and students begun to file into the hallways.

"Oh look, it's time to go." Daria moved away from me and looked at the clock. "Remember class, bring your caldrons!"

I turned back to Granger, remembering that she was keeping valuable information from me. I ran after her, but the hordes of students were impossible to get by. Next thing I knew, the witch disappeared. Damn, that means I would have to wait until lunch to pry her mouth open. With renewed determination, I made way to my History of Magic class and proceeded to my one hour nap time. Gods, even Draco Malfoy needs his sleep.

A little girl about the age of thirteen stared at me with her wide dark blue eyes. Her black hair was flat on her head, as if someone had used oil or grease to pat it down. I looked at her curiously, wondering where the hell she came from.

"Where did you come from?" I asked her, thinking that the girl looked vaguely familiar.

"America," came her crisp reply. "My parents are from London, but I was born in America."

"Hmm." So that's why she sounded so funny. I started to walk away from her and when I did, I noticed that she was following me. I turned away and said snappishly, "Why are you following me?"

She did not reply, but kept on walking towards me. Finally, she said, "Won't you show me around? I'm new to Hogwarts."

"So you transferred from America?" I asked her, although I was not really interested in her answer.

She nodded.

"What's your name?"

"Bertise Udysessa Tiana Tyler."

"That's just your first name?"

She nodded again.

What a coincidence that the acronym of it is B.U.T.T. I fear this child shall have no social life.

"You have any special powers?" I said.

"I have many," said she, "I can talk to squirrels." She gave a very firm nod of her head, indicating her seriousness. "They tell me great things." She then began to make little squeaking noises. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.

"I see." I wondered if she was related to Potter.

"And I can make my hair oily on freewill."

"Uh huh…"

"I also have a very mysterious past that I shall soon unveil to you…"

"Uh huh…" I picked up my pace, trying to get away from the crazy beast.

"…maybe Mr. Potter and I can have a deeply dramatic, soulful conversation when we can understand each other and maybe fall instantly in love. I rather fancy him much…"

She couldn't be related to Potter… unless… incest!

"Who are your parents?" Who can produce such a weird child?

"Daria and Severus Snape." She declared happily. "I'm your cousin, Draco."

Fuck.

B.U.T.T.S.!

My eyes fluttered opened and I woke up in shock, nearly falling over in my chair. I heard snickers around the room. Recovering from my shock, I looked around. Faces from Ravenclaws and Slytherins were looking at me amusedly.

"Thank heavens Sleeping Beauty has finally woken up." The ghost professor said and continued on with his lesson.

I groaned and hit my head on the table. I was in trouble. What if Daria and Snape soon have an offspring? I banged my head a couple more times on the surface. Merlin, blast me.

I swear I must be going crazy. All these visions of Daria and Snape have left me terrified. Especially the last one, about their daughter B.U.T.T.S. has left me deeply disturbed. Rationality tells me I should be happy for my aunt… after all, spending many years alone (especially for one as old as her) can cause quite damage to one's mentality and having someone would help relieve her frustration, but for some reason, I could not see her with Snape. It is wrong in many ways and I'm constantly being plagued by these visions and nightmares. I do not intentionally conjure up these images, what sane person would? But then again, I fear for my sanity.

What am I to do?

I stared at the gob of potatoes in front of me, unable to muster up any appetite. The Great Hall was filling with students, all eager to dig into their lunch. Besides me, Crabbe and Goyle were stuffing their faces as if the food was going to run away. Zabini sat in front of me, a goblet held daintily in her hand and she looked at me with a peculiar smile.

"I say, what's the look on your face?" I said, looking at Zabini oddly.

"Nothing, I'm just wallowing in my accomplishment, 'tis all." She said. "A rather delightful accomplishment if I do say so myself." She quickly cast a glance over to the teachers' table, right where Daria and Snape were sitting next to each other.

Snape was busying himself with the food and acted like he and Daria were nothing more than colleagues. I supposed he is trying to keep up his image. Can't have the cold, hard Potions Professor acting like a lovesick puppy, can he? No, of course not, it would be strangely be much out-of-character of him.

"And what is this 'accomplishment' of yours?" I asked her. "Does it have to do with splitting Daria and Snape up?" I had a hint of hope in my voice.

Zabini shook her head. "No, dear. I'm sorry to disappoint you."

"Well do tell. I'm quite intrigued." I crossed my arms smugly.

Zabini did not say anything. She took a small sip from her goblet and set it down. A couple of seconds elapsed and I patiently waited for her to start.

"Did I fail to mention I am playing Cupid this year?" She said at last.

My eyes narrowed slightly. "Yes, you have."

"Oh my, I did?"

I detected the false surprise in her tone, yet I said nothing of it.

"Of course it was through my ingenious scheme that Daria managed to hook Snape within her grasps." She continued. "The way I see it, it's always those people who you believe will never end up together and they may appear like the oddest couple, but really, it works."

I leaned onto the table. "Pray tell, how did you manage to hook Daria and Snape together?"

"It's quite simple. First—" She suddenly halted, eyeing me with suspicion. "Hold on, why should I tell you?"

"For Merlin's sake, Zabini! I'm not going to take your idea and play Cupid!"

"Hmm…" Zabini looked at me carefully.

"I promised I won't! You can keep your love bows and arrows."

"Fine. You never knew Daria was quite interested in Potions."

"Oh she does?" I played with the thought. Daria liked Potions? Interesting…

"If you only gave a sliver of a chance to Daria, you would know interesting things about her. So I introduced her to Snape and he was delighted to find someone his age as interested in Potions as him. I don't know about the Dark Arts, but Potions brought them together."

"Which results in them doing a class together…" I said, remembering about Granger as she walked towards the Gryffindor table.

I turned back to Zabini. "Thank you Zabini for telling me such a pleasant story. I will take your advice and give my dear aunt Daria a chance." I stood up and begun to walk away, noticing Zabini's shocked expression from the corner of my eyes.

Malfoy saying thank you? Oh Merlin… what sickly ideas has she given him? Zabini knew something was up.

I headed towards Granger who was animatedly talking to Potter and Weasley.

"Granger," I drawled.

The Gryffindors around me stopped midst of their conversations and turned their attentions on me, probably wondering what trouble I might cause.

"Go back to your business." I said, sneering at them. "Granger, we need to talk."

"About what? You can say it in front of my friends."

I rolled my eyes. These bloody Gryffindors. "The adjoined class project."

"Oh that. What about it?"

"I want to know what Potion we're brewing."

Granger looked at Daria for a fleeting moment before standing up and dragging me with her outside the Great Hall.

"Granger, where are we going? I'm too innocent to get raped."

"Just for that, never mind!" Granger let go of me and turned back to the Great Hall.

"Okay, okay! Just tell me."

Granger folded her arms, tapping her foot impatiently. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"Say the magic word."

"What magic word?" I asked dumbly.

"Please."

"Bloody hell woman! Are you mad?" I exclaimed.

"I guess you'll have to wait for the surprise then."

I grumbled. Risk my dignity to say please to this bloody mudblood for the sake of curing my curiosity? That bitch drives a hard bargain.

"Please." I muttered.

"I can't hear you."

"Please." I said a little louder.

"What?"

"PLEASE! ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF!"

"No," Granger said, smiling. "I just wanted to hear you say that again."

"You're a cruel person, Granger. Cruel."

Granger gave a wide grin. "Yes, I know. It's a Genetics Reproduction Potion."

"What?"

"It seems like you can grow living things with that Potion, although they'll die off within a few weeks. What it has to do with our class, I have no idea."

Genetics Reproduction Potion?

"And you say we can grow living things?" I asked her.

"Well, you would need a sample of the actual living thing and you place it within the potion. The potion causes that sample to multiply, or rather, reproduce and it will eventually have some sort of replications of the original thing."

"Granger, you know we're paired with opposite genders to make this potion…" I said.

Slowly, it dawned on her and it begun to make some sense to me.

Granger's eyes widened and she stood there, unmoved. She was in a state of shock.

"Oh bloody hell. Daria's gone off her knockers." I gasped.

Granger gave a nervous laugh as she recovered from her shock. "W-well, it certainly fits into the topic of discussion, doesn't it? Consequences of unprotected sex."

I prayed to the gods. Please don't make me hate sex forever.

Author's Note: Yes, excuse the horrible editing. I'm somewhat editing illiterate.

TBC