Author's Note: I know I haven't updated in months and you're all probably angry at me, but what can I say? I didn't even have time to do my summer homework this summer.

Yes, a little plot is simmering. Not boiling… but simmering. I know the baby and the Sex-Ed thing has been done before and has grown quite trite, but perhaps my little twisted mind can put a new spin on it.

Chapter Twelve

Distressed Damsels

The hormone-raging, sexually addicted part of my mind told me Granger has a nice arse. I looked again. Indeed she does. I grinned. Granger wasn't wearing her school robe—the ghastly thing shielded every curve and made her look like a walking tent. But tonight, as I sat in one of Dumbledore's chairs watching Granger march back and forth across the office, I couldn't help but notice that Granger has a cute little sway in her hips when she walked. Sure enough she was a mudblood, but mudblood or not, bushy-haired Granger has an appealing derriere if I do say so myself.

I sunk lower into the comfortable armchair, resting my eyes. My mind flashed back to the Wednesday when we were in Snape's class. It was the first class for our joint class project. That was when Daria passed out the list with all of the pairs for the project. It wasn't a big shock to know that I was stuck with Granger. The Greater Being was punishing me for my sins and I had to be stuck with Granger. The only other pairs I knew and were even curious about were:

Potter and Zabini.

Parkinson and Weasley.

I had laughed when I saw the looks on their faces knowing they were stuck with their worse enemies. Now they will all feel my pain! Ha! After some minutes of outrageous protests that there would be dead bodies the next morning from the students along with an evil glare and a threat from Snape that whoever opposed the pairings would be subjected to a horrible display of flogging, the class calmed down enough to move on.

Snape looked down on the students; his face seemed like it was set in a permanent sneer. For a moment, I tossed aside the notion that I should not be thinking about this since it goes against my masculinity and my standards, but I just had to wonder—what in Merlin's name did Daria see in Snape? I did not have to like males to know the fact that Snape is one weird-looking prick. Snape could oil all the door hinges in the castle with that greasy head of his and still have some left to spare. I wondered what must have gone through my head during my first couple of years of Hogwarts that made me admired and looked up to this git. I must have been extremely naïve or unexceptionally stupid to believe my Father's orders that Snape was the only decent professor around. Since Father had managed to land himself a nice, cozy spot in Azkaban, I really saw what goes on around me.

I have never said that I was joining in to become one of Voldemort's minions, although the majority of the population around me expects me to. However, I hope people shall never make the assumption that I would be clad in all white and fight along side Potter. How despicable.

Nevertheless, I shall wave my wand and mutter incantations to whoever steps in my way when the time of the war comes. For now, my only war is between my ego, Daria, Snape, and the Brass Trio.

If only I had a delete spell for the things in my life. That way, I could easily get rid of the things… of the people I do not wish to see. If only life was that simple, I would be a very happy man.

"Now this is a very difficult potion to brew; that is why it counts for twenty-five percent of your Potions grade and the result afterwards will be forty percent of your Sex-Education class." Snape said. "So you must do this carefully or your artificial child will look rather…" He paused, as if he was trying to find the correct word. "…unpleasant." He said at last.

One of the Slytherins, Lucas Lanners shot in his hand into the air.

"Yes, Mr. Lanners?"

"So in real life, are you telling us if we want our baby to look right, we need to have sex correctly?"

Snape frowned and looked at Lanners disapprovingly. The class had already erupted into laughter.

"What?" Lanners said, looking around. "I'm serious!" Somehow, that only made the class laughed harder. There was not one serious bone in Lanners's body.

"Maybe you should grow one before you try to do it, Mr. Lanners. The little Lucas Lanners juniors need something to travel through first." Snape said coolly.

It took a while for Snape's statement to register in Lanners's mind, but I already knew and sniggered. By the time Lanners fathomed what Snape said, the Potions Professor had moved on and it was too late for the boy to retaliate.

Then all we did was simply cut some ingredients and left them out to dry. Snape told us we wouldn't be able to actually work on the potion until a month or so later because the tree bark had to be dried to the desired state and that process took ages.

I yawned as my mind came back to the present. McGonagall called me and Granger to Dumbledore's office approximately twenty minutes ago. Then she left, saying that Dumbledore would be here shortly. Now, Granger was irritated and was pacing around the office. Usually, she had more patience than I did.

I looked at her through half closed eyes. "Calm down Granger. I can practically see your foot imprints on the floor."

"I'm worried!" She said.

It must be about her grades. I thought. Only getting a few points less than perfect would make Granger get all twitchy and nervous. Then again, there were other possibilities why she might be edgy. Maybe Potter and Weasley asked her for a threesome and she realized that she has absolutely no experience in this particular field of sex. I always knew the three damn Gryffindor dorks were called the Golden Trio for a reason. A rather sickening… disgusting reason… one that would corrupt my innocence if I ever saw it.

I looked at her and said casually, "Worried that you won't get laid? Well you have to get use to that fact Granger. Honestly, look at yourself woman—"

"No, you bloody idiot!" She yelled at me.

"Then what bit your arse? Not Daria's damn cat, I hope…" I tired to imagine the fat piece of cat blubber called Sevvy's biting Granger's arse and the image made me snigger with glee.

Granger opened her mouth to reply, but just then, Dumbledore made his grand entrance. About bloody time, damn old wanker.

"I hope I didn't keep you waiting long." He said, settling down into his chair. Boy, did he look flushed.

Oh no, just twenty-five minutes old coot. I wondered if he was trying to lure some of the younger girls into a dark corridor. Looks can be deceiving. Don't think just because the coot is old, that does not necessarily he would not try to take advantage of one's innocence.

"Well," He began, his eyes twinkling and a warming smile on his lips. I shuddered. Only Potter would find this expression comforting. "I just want to tell you how remarkably proud I am of you both. You have lived with each other for over three weeks and there have not been any broken limbs or horrible curses yet."

"Trust me Professor; I came extremely close many times." Granger said.

"You're not the only one." I said, casting a quick glance at her. "Living with the dirty witch was terrible."

"What! I'm not dirty!"

"Heh."

"See the torture I had to deal with?"

"Pshhh."

"Anyways, I have a few reasons for calling you both here." Dumbledore said, adjusting his spectacles. "First, you have two options here. Since you both have done well, you can go back to your dormitory as of tomorrow night or you can stay in the same room until the end of the month."

Light filled my eyes. Whatever Holy Being has answered my prayers! I seized the opportunity quickly, fearing that Dumbledore would take back his words and announce it was all an awful joke.

"Go back to my dormitory tomorrow night!" Granger and I said at once.

"Thought so." Dumbledore said, nodding his head. "Second reason, the Quidditch reason is approaching and I've already told the other captains that they should start their tryouts."

I blinked. Other captains? My mouth dropped and I could feel a growing haughtiness in me. "Does that mean…?"

Dumbledore nodded. Ha! For once, the old coot didn't seem so bad, but I still think he likes to lure young girls into dark corridors.

I turned to Granger, grinning ear-to-ear. "You heard that Granger? I'm captain of the Slytherin Quidditch team!"

"Well congratulations Malfoy." Granger said pleasantly. If I didn't know the conniving witch, I would've believed she was actually being sincere.

Dumbledore then waved us goodnight and dismissed us. When we were out of the door, McGonagall walked in.

"I'm afraid you've lost the bet, dear." Dumbledore said.

"I have a hunch she's fixing it." McGonagall said snidely. "There's no way."

"It's remarkable they both have their heads attached."

McGonagall sighed. "I could've sworn I would win. Blast it."

I didn't know what the two were talking about, but I was still basking in my glory so I really didn't care.

"Did you hear what McGonagall and Dumbledore said?" Granger asked.

"Hear what?" I was half-listening to her. My mind was still focused on the image of me in my glorious Slytherin captain outfit, standing much superior to the other captains… especially Potter. One couldn't imagine my anger when I found out that Potter was made captain of the Gryffindor team last year. Everyone was delighted. Potter just simply couldn't resist flouncing about in his new captain outfit and his boyfriend Weasley was just all giddy about it. Figures.

This year would be much different. Harry Potter is going down!

"Malfoy?"

"Huh?" I snapped back to reality.

"Were you listening to me?" Granger said.

"Do I ever?"

Granger groaned in frustration and said, "Forget it." Then she muttered, "Stupid bloke."

"I heard that."

"Well I guess you only hear compliments then because calling you a stupid bloke is much too nice."

"Bah humbug."

Back in the dormitory (which Granger and I will no longer be sharing. –Big grin inserted here—), we proceeded to pack our belongings.

"I guess this is our last night together, huh?" Granger said as she waved her wand and her things flew into her trunk.

"Merlin Granger, you make it sound like we were having a relationship."

Granger snorted in an unladylike fashion. "And we know that will never happen."

"You know what Granger? Living with you for close to four weeks has made me develop some sort of tolerance for you." I said, crossing my arms smugly.

"Oh really now?" Her voice was thickly coated with sarcasm. "I'm flattered."

"Maybe—I said maybe—I won't hex you to look like a beaver next time I see you, but I'm not making any promises."

"Gee Malfoy, that really made my day."

"Speaking of your day, I'm curious to know why you were acting like such a damn damsel in distress." I said nonchalantly. "But it's not like I care or anything… I'm just curious."

"Nothing." Granger said.

"You're a horrible liar."

"Well what's worse? The fact that I'm a horrible liar or that you're a good one?"

"Don't change the subject woman!"

"I'm fine."

"Look, I don't care how you feel; I just want to know why."

"It's nothing! Why is everyone asking me about it! Why can't I go through an entire day without people asking me about my business? Has anyone ever heard of privacy!" Oh shit, Granger was ranting.

Bloody hell, why did I have to go and spark the fuse?

"Nothing is wrong with me!"

"You sure about that?"

Suddenly, a heavy Potions book was sailing toward my head. I ducked just in time as the boulder-like book flew a few millimeters across the top of my head. I would hate to think what would've happened if that book actually made contact with my precious head. It would've been rolling on the ground.

I took cover under my sheets. That witch was raving mad and right now, I felt more concern for her sanity than for mine.

I didn't know how long I stayed under the covers, but I must've fallen asleep. The next morning when I work up, Granger was nowhere to be seen. I sighed. I was worried that I would have a run-in with the beast of Gryffindor again.

That morning in Daria's class, I made sure to stay away from Granger as far as possible. Unfortunately for me, the attempt was futile considering that she was my partner. She was more agitated than ever and I didn't even know why, which made me agitated. Usually I wouldn't mind if I was the one causing her trouble.

Suddenly, Zabini walked by my table. "What's wrong Malfoy? You look scared."

Absentmindedly, I pointed to Granger who was furiously scribbling her notes. She was nearly tearing the parchment apart.

"What's wrong with her?" Zabini asked.

I shrugged. "Hell if I know. The crazy bitch suddenly has wild mood swings and she's irritable if you talk to her."

"Hmm-hmm." Zabini said thoughtfully. "Touchy if you ask her what's wrong?"

I nodded.

"I know what's wrong."

I looked at the blonde Slytherin, demanding an answer to stop this madness.

Zabini took a big breath and said dramatically, "PMS."

"What?"

"Premenstrual syndrome. Honestly, Malfoy, you grew up around your mother, Daria, and me."

"You're female?"

Zabini stomped her foot angrily and walked away. What? Did I say something wrong? I was merely making a remarkable discovery. Can't a bloke learn something new everyday?

Just then, Daria walked in.

I nearly dropped out of my chair. What in the blazing hell was that woman wearing? A bright yellow hat stood on her head, nearly blending into her poor excuse of a mop of blonde hair that resembled a bird's nest. The beautiful blonde hair trademark of the Malfoys had clearly ceased to exist on this woman. Sometimes I would have believed Daria was adopted if not for the birth certificate that officially declared her a Malfoy. Bugger.

"Professor Malfoy?" Granger raised her hand. She looked like she calmed down, but I wasn't too sure.

"Yes?"

"Professor Malfoy, I was wondering since we were doing this child… thing… project with an opposite-sexed partner, would we have to live with them?"

"I've thought about that," Daria said. "But that doesn't seem like a very good idea. Why, kids and their raging hormones." Suddenly, to my utmost horror she turned to me and winked. "Am I right, Draco?"

I was too disturbed to utter a reply.

"No, you'll be in your regularly dormitories." said Daria.

Granger let out a sigh of relief.

"Why Miss Granger? Were you hoping to spend extra time with Mr. Malfoy?" Daria grinned and also gave her a little wink.

Granger looked like she was choking on her own vomit. I was highly offended. What person in the world did not want me to grace them with my presence?

"No—of course not!" Granger said. "The less time I spend with that git the better for my sanity."

I frowned. A git, am I? "You're not pleasant company either, Granger." I said.

"Ah, young love. How pleasant it is." Daria said, smiling.

Granger rolled her eyes.

My aunt had to be the daftest woman alive. Couldn't she see the deep animosity between Granger and me? It was bloody obvious!

Daria then pulled out a wad of parchments. "Today, we'll be having a little easy quiz based on the things you've learned so far."

Granger was the only one happy about it, but then again, it's about sex. I should pass it with ease!

I sat at my desk with my quill ready and was actually eager for my quiz. Daria handed everyone a paper and she looked at the clock. "Twenty minutes should be more than enough." She said. "Begin!"

All right, first question.

1. What is the act between a man and a woman when the man and woman are sexually joined together? Also known as love-making.

I grinned. This was a piece of cake! Whoever didn't know the answer to this question should be publicly flogged.

The act is called 'fucking', of course.

This had to be the easiest quiz I had ever taken. I thought with a grin. I looked over to Granger who looked like she was having a tough time. Finally! A subject I can surpass Granger in! As Granger wrote her answer, her cheeks flushed a light pink color. Her eyes skimmed the next question and she hesitated. Then a bright crimson graced her cheeks and she scribbled her answer. I was curious to see the question that made her blush so.

2. Describe the process of sexual intercourse.

Oy, no wonder! How can Granger describe the process of intercourse if she never had it? Unless she watched Potter and Weasley, but that process would be entirely different. I was enjoying this sight—watching Granger silently suffering.

Well, the man takes his willy and sticks it into the woman's vagina. Lots of moaning pursues (if the man is good enough) and the woman reaches a state of utter bliss (also called an orgasm).

3. What are the reproduction organs?

A group of body stuff that lets you make babies. Ex: The man's member and the woman's vagina.

4. Name the number one sexually transmitted disease in the muggle world.

I racked my head. What was it? The name was at the tip of my brain, but I couldn't seem to pry it out.

H.I.V- Humanly Infected Virus?

5. Can wizards and witches get this disease?

No, only Muggles and Mudbloods can get it. Purebloods are clean.

I wrote smugly, but then I remembered Daria's statement. Cursing to myself, I crossed out my answer and wrote,

No, only Muggles and Mudbloods can get it. Purebloods are clean.

Yes. No one is an exception to this damned disease.

6. What happens during intercourse if no protection is used?

What kind of question is that? The answer is bloody obvious!

The woman and man get a better orgasm. Raw is better!

Was I forgetting something? Oh, of course!

And the woman could get pregnant.

7. How is a baby produced?

By a man and a woman having sex—perhaps a lot of sex. Then the sperm of a man and the egg of a woman gets joined together.

8. What is the best method to keep yourself sexually protected?

I racked my brain for the answer to that question. Why would anyone with half a brain want to be protected from sex? Shrugging, I wrote down:

Don't have sex with a beast. For some reason, I thought of Pansy and I then added with an evil smile, Stay away from Pansy if you want to be sexually protected.

Satisfied with my answers and strongly assured that I would pass this meager quiz, I put down my quill and relaxed. Next to me, Granger was still writing down her answers. I have never seen her face so red and it hurt to control my laughter. I tried to control myself by averting my eyes somewhere else. The majority of the class was done with the quiz, but a few were still writing—Longbottom included.

Sevvy perched on the windowsill, blocking most of the sunlight as his ample body formed some type of oddly shaped eclipse. The blonde cat was licking it paws and sensing my gaze, he looked up and met me with the same stare. I took my pointer finger and made a slicing motion across my throat. The ugly furball seemed to grin and it stood up. Sevvy turned his body around and pointed his arse into the air directly at me. He wiggled it and cackled.

I have never met a more devious creature.

"Time's up!" Daria called. She waved her wand and all the papers flew up into the air and toward her desk.

I placed my feet on the table, crossed my legs, and leaned my back against the chair. I turned to Granger and asked her the million-galleon question. "So Granger, are you PMSing?"

"What? No! Who told you that?" She said with a peevish tone.

"Uhh… I was guessing. You acted more of a bitch than usual; I thought that was the only answer."

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

Granger looked like at me as if I was the biggest idiot in the world. "You're Draco Malfoy. I don't like you and you don't like me."

"That's why you should tell me because whatever it is, I won't give a shit about it. You're annoying me."

Granger sighed. "All right, you'll know eventually anyway. This winter, Hogwarts is hosting a talent show and Harry and Ron signed me up for singing. I'm too afraid to do it even though I want to."

At that moment, my mouth opened and loud cackle filled the room.

"Why are you laughing!" Granger said angrily.

"T-the thought of you s-singing." I said, gasping for air.

"I'll have you know, I can sing!"

"Then why are you worried?"

"Because… because… I don't sing in front of crowds… I'm having panic attacks!" Granger was literally pulling her hair.

"It's the end of September. You have two months until December. And why didn't I hear about this talent show?"

"I think you skipped dinner that night Dumbledore told us."

"You can always use charms."

"It's a talent show. Magic aid would be cheating."

"Having magical powers is talent!"

Hermione rolled her eyes. That is the reaction I get for trying to help the bitch. Bleh! See if I offer her any good advice again.

"There's one other thing I forgot to mention…" Granger said.

"And what is that, Granger?" I asked, not really caring. Did she have to dance too? Oh the horror!

"Harry and Ron nominated you to display your ferret bouncing skills at the talent show."

The chair collapsed under me.

Author's Note: Just to assure you, the answers to the sex-education are not fully correct (they're simply blunt). Except number 4—the actual answer is Human Immunodeficiency Virus. I just wrote what I think Draco Malfoy would write. For real answers, please ask your Health teacher because I would feel utterly awkward answering them.

Rate/review please. I'm rusty I know. It's been months.