Chapter Five
Kara woke first.
For a moment she lay still, watching Lee sleep. He looked so different like this – less bitter, less cynical, all that fierce intelligence leashed. More like the earnest young man she had first met on Caprica so many years ago.
She fought briefly with the temptation to just stay where she was, to lie down and curl her body against his and see where it took her.
But she knew where it would take her, and she knew better than to go there.
She had to make sure she didn't. After all, that was what she had come to the Pegasus to do.
So she took a last, lingering look at him, and then slipped out of the bed, careful not to wake him. Gathered up her scattered clothes, and slipped into the bathroom, not taking a deep breath until the door was firmly locked behind her.
She showered and dressed, not caring now how much noise she made. Keeping her mind carefully blank.
When she was finished, she stared at her face in the mirror, preparing herself. Packing Kara tightly away, and letting Starbuck take centre stage.
Starbuck could do this. She was tough, ruthless, an exploiter of weakness.
And it had to be done. She couldn't bear this any more. Couldn't bear feeling this way, being so weak, so dependent on the emotions of someone else. She'd sworn long ago never to let anyone have such power over her again, and she meant to keep that vow.
However much it hurt.
It couldn't be helped. If you were caught in a trap, you had to get out, even if it meant gnawing your own leg off.
Or somebody else's.
She closed her eyes briefly, resenting the moment of weakness. Gods, why did he always afflict her this way? It was as if he was an infection, crawling through her blood, dragging her down, sapping her resistance.
Well, no more.
Kill or cure.
-----
He was sitting on the sofa, wearing a pair of sweatpants, head back and eyes closed. His eyes opened as he heard her close the bathroom door behind her, and widened as he saw she was fully dressed.
"Going somewhere, Kara?"
It sounded light, but she saw the flicker of anxiety cross his face.
Ah, you know me too well, Lee. You know the warning signs, even if you never pay attention to them.
"Yes." Point of no return. She took a deep breath, saying goodbye silently in her head; not just to him, but to part of herself as well. "I'm going back to the planet. Back to New Caprica."
Silence. She made herself look at him, look at his face as her words sank in. She refused to hide from the consequences of what she was doing.
She didn't see much before he slammed his mask down. That damned protective mask of his that she had never been able to see through. Strangely, what she saw in that brief second wasn't anger or denial, just bitterness with a twist of self-mockery. As if he had known all along that this was all too good to be true, just as she had.
The anger was there too, though. It burst out when he spoke, searing her from the other side of the room.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Just what it sounds like," she jibed. "Gods, Lee, it doesn't take much to scramble your brain, does it? Dee obviously doesn't know her stuff-"
His face tightened even further. She could practically see the pulse in his throat jumping.
"Don't try to distract me, Kara. What do you mean?"
She raised her chin defiantly. "I'm going back to the planet. To Sam. For good."
For a flicker of a moment his mask faltered, and Kara saw a look of such devastation that her heart caught. But the next moment his defences were back up, and the scorching anger returned.
"I should have expected something like this." He laughed bitterly. "Running away again, Kara? Tell me, how long am I supposed to wait this time before you come back? A week? A month? A year?"
"I'm not coming back."
"Yeah, right." He laughed again, with an edge that grated on her ears. "Don't kid yourself, Kara. You always come back. Every time you do this. Doesn't matter how far you go, how long you're gone – you always come back."
He was right. She always had. Always drawn back to him, like a planet circling on its orbit. But not any more. She was blowing this twisted little solar system of theirs wide apart.
"Not this time, Lee." She made her voice as hard as she could. "You see, this time I'm not running away. I'm running to."
"To what?" he sneered, rising to his feet. "To your pathetic tent town on that mudball planet? To your toy-boy pyramid player? To your – what did you call him, Kara? – your hot young thing?"
"Actually, I call him my fiancé." Time for the knock-out blow. "My husband to be."
It worked. He physically staggered. "What?"
"Sam asked me to marry him." Kara placed her words with the precise accuracy of a targeting system. "I said yes."
His mask tore completely. He stared at her, the pain so raw in his face that Kara felt embarrassed to look at him. But she didn't turn away. Didn't even flinch.
"I don't believe you," he said, but his voice lacked conviction.
"It's true."
"If it's true, then why are you here?" He was rolling from the punch now, back on the offensive. "Why aren't you down there with him? And what the hell was all this?" He waved his hand angrily, taking in the tangled sheets, his scattered clothing, the scent of them still thick in the air…Kara dug her nails into her palms.
"This was goodbye."
"Goodbye?" His voice was raw with disbelief. "What the hell are you talking about?"
She made her voice careless, slightly pitying. "Consider it a farewell gift."
"A gift?"
"I thought it might make this easier for you. Now you've had me, Lee. You can finally get me out of your system."
She looked at his confused, resistant face and made herself laugh. A harsh, ruthless Starbuck laugh.
"Did you think I don't know how you feel about me, Lee? Did you think it was some big secret?"
The anger was fading now; he was looking at her with something close to horror. "Kara, don't-"
"It's no secret, Lee. The way you look at me – it's so obvious that the whole fleet knows. They've probably been placing bets on how long it would be before I put you out of your misery."
"So I want you," he fired back, recovering himself slightly. He'd always been stubborn. "I'm hardly alone in that."
"You don't just want me. You love me."
The forbidden words. She felt almost giddy, finally saying them.
Lee went pale, but he didn't deny it.
"You don't have to be embarrassed, Lee. I understand." She smiled, dripping with false sympathy. "It's really quite touching, how constant you've been. All these years you've been waiting, since before Zak died even, waiting and hoping I would turn to you instead-"
"Kara, stop it!"
Those words finally broke him. He sprang forward, pushing her into the wall, pinning her body with his.
"Stop it!" His anguished eyes bored into hers, and his breath was hot and ragged against her face. "Why are you doing this, Kara?"
She forced herself to block out the feeling of his body against hers, the memories of last night it aroused. Forced that betraying weakness deep down.
"I'm doing this because I have to, Lee. Because I don't love you." She was amazed at how calm her voice sounded.
His grip on her wrists faltered. "What?"
The look in his eyes made her shrivel up inside, but she forced down the revulsion at what she was doing, forced herself to go on.
"I don't love you, Lee. Not that way. I never have." She sounded convincing, even to herself. "I love Sam. And I'm going to marry him."
"I don't believe you." Something snapped in his eyes, and he kissed her, fierce and desperate, brutally crushing her mouth against his.
She let him, not protesting even when he drew blood. She was breathing heavily when he finally released her, and he saw it with angry triumph.
"Are you going to pretend you didn't want that, Kara? Didn't want to frak me last night?"
"No," she said, wiping the blood off her lip. "I wanted you, Lee. I've wanted to frak you for a long time. But I don't want anything deeper than that. Not from you."
His mouth twisted and he looked away from her. He's beginning to believe, she thought.
"Are you telling me that all this – that last night meant nothing to you?"
She heard the anguish in his voice and was abruptly furious with him.
Why do you let me do this to you, Lee? Why do you open yourself up to me like this? Don't you know I'm dangerous? Not to be trusted? Place your heart in my hand and I'll crush it, one way or another. You know that. What more do I have to do to drive you away?
"You know it didn't, Lee. I just wanted a good lay. Nothing more. I told you that the last time, too. You just don't listen."
He jerked away from her as if the touch of her skin scalded him. Retreated across the room, turning his back as if even the sight of her was too much.
She watched his taut back, heart heavy in her chest.
It's for the best, Lee. You'll see that one day.
"So what was this?" he said finally, voice shaking. "A pity frak?"
"That's a harsh word to use. I just thought – it might make things easier. Help you to move on."
"Move on?"
"With Dee. She's good for you, Lee. You should stick with her."
"Should I?" His voice was strengthening now. "Well, maybe I don't give a damn what you think, Kara."
That's it, Lee. Get angry. Rage at me. Don't let this break you. Please.
He turned round, and his mask was back in place. His face was closed, armed against her.
"You love Anders? Fine, Kara. Marry him, then. Settle down in your little tent." He smiled viciously. "I'll be interested to see how long it takes before you frak it all up."
It cut at her despite herself. "Lee-"
"Because you will frak it up, Kara. You always do. You can't help yourself. You'll push him until he breaks, until he decides it's not worth the bother any more and leaves you."
"No, he won't."
Lee laughed, stalking back towards her. "Don't delude yourself, Kara. He won't be able to put up with you, no-one can. Sure he loves Starbuck, the hotshot pilot, his brave rescuer – but does he love Kara? Does he even know Kara?"
Her hands were shaking. "Shut up."
"Why? Have I struck a nerve?" He stopped in front of her, staring at her with eyes that were bright and merciless. "I have, haven't I? Because deep down you know that you're empty and rotten at the core, that you're not worth loving-"
"Stop it!" She couldn't bear any more. Couldn't bear that relentless voice dragging out all her secret fears. She struck out instinctively and felt her fist connect, the brutal smack of flesh against bone.
Lee stepped back, clutching his jaw. His eyes gleamed with bitter triumph.
"The truth hurts, doesn't it Kara?"
"I don't have to listen to this." She had to leave now, before he said anything else – before he cracked her defences completely. "I'm going."
"Fine. Go. But Kara-"
She looked at him involuntarily and saw all the angry triumph gone, his face hard and stony.
"Don't come back and expect me to pick up the pieces. Not this time. I'm done with you."
At the finality of those words, something broke within her, and she almost caved in. Almost took her words back, begged him to forgive her. Almost.
She was stronger than that. She'd learnt survival in a hard school.
"Fine, Lee. Because I'm done with you too."
-----
She slammed the hatch behind her and managed three steps before she had to stop and lean her head against the wall, gasping with deep jagged breaths. She felt as if he had sliced her open.
She should have known that she couldn't break free of him without getting mauled in the process.
She should feel angry. She should feel relieved.
Instead she just felt empty, and hollow. All she could hear was his voice telling her she was rotten at the core, all she could see was the terrible look in his eyes when she told him she didn't love him.
Kill or cure.
Something had been killed in that room. She knew it had been necessary, knew she shouldn't want it back.
But at the moment she did.