Chapter 8
Picking up the Pieces
thump…thump…thump… Legolas' boot fell heavily against the wall, paused, swung back, and fell again. thump…thump…thump… The dirt sprinkled down, dusting his makeshift bed of straw and a blanket with even more debris than was all ready on it. He didn't really care. thump…thump… In fact, he couldn't care less. thump…thump…
Everything was a haze- a blank. The last few hours were like mist; every event blended into the next one, and all that could be seen through the fog was a face. The one that haunted him over these blank hours with their uncharacteristic features. The face of Edren.
thump…thump…thump…
He remembered vaguely Aragorn and Lord Elrond dragging him into this room, when he refused to rise from the floor. At the time, he'd been too exhausted to reject the help. His limbs were fatigued, and rightly so. That did not excuse his not speaking to them as they lay him down, though. That was something else entirely. His spirit was tired as well.
thump…thump…thump…
Legolas' head shot up, his foot resting against the wall. This sound had not been his making; someone was at the door. "Who is it?" He was surprised he even bothered to answer, but so little had happened in the last hours, he forgot himself.
There was no reply; the visitor simply let himself in. "Hello, Legolas." Aragorn didn't smile, but advanced across the small room, and sat on the sort-of bed beside the elf. "How are you?"
Legolas shrugged, and swung his head back around, slamming his heal against the dirt wall again in his tiresome fashion.
thump…thump…thump
"Elrond and I are worried about you, I hope you know."
thump…thump…
"Listen. I know it hurts, I cannot imagine how…but you could help me understand. I could help you, if you'd let me."
thump…thump…thump…
A pause.
thump…
"Edren's asking for you."
THUMP…THUMP…thump…
Aragorn's eyes fixed on his friend's face for a long moment. "He feels horrible. He thinks you hate him."
THUMPthump…thump…
The human's hand shot towards the elf, closing fast around his ankle, and stopping the irritating thumping. "Confound it, Legolas, when are you going to stop acting like a child?"
Legolas froze, shocked by both the move and the words that seemed to come with simultaneous unexpectancy. He still didn't reply.
"Do you know how long you've been in here? Five. Hours."
Legolas blinked. Now that he didn't know. He waited for Aragorn to continue, but it seemed the human wouldn't go on until he dragged a response out of his friend.
"I lost…" he muttered at last.
"Yes, that's right, you lost someone, Legolas. Or half lost someone anyway. And I'm sorry." He let go of the elf's ankle, and caught his gaze, holding it tightly in his own. "I am so, so sorry about Edren. Really and truly, I would give anything to give him memory back. But I can't, Adda can't...and you can't either."
Legolas shook his head, looking back at the wall. "This doesn't help me, Aragorn."
"No, no, this doesn't help." The human gestured at the walls around him, his voice rising again. "Locked away in a room with no light? Is this you now, Legolas? Is it?"
"What do you want me to do, Aragorn?" Legolas' head snapped around, his hands flying open in a sign of exasperation. "Want me to tell you that I'll be fine, that I'll get over it? That I can just move on somehow!"
"YES!" Aragorn nodded his head emphatically. "Legolas, just hours ago, you thought he was dead. He's not!"
"Well, it'd be better if he were, Estel…"
Aragorn looked scared for just a moment. "You don't mean that."
"Maybe I don't," Legolas admitted, Aragorn's expression causing him to back down. "But I…I'm sick of losing everything I care about! It's as though the moment I've decided to care, I lose it!"
"I know it's hard-"
"No you have no idea how hard it is."
"So - what, you're just going to not care about anything anymore?"
There was a pause. A silence.
"I don't know," Legolas said at last, and turned his head back to the wall.
thump…thump…thump…
"What about your father?"
thump…thump…
"What about Edren?"
thump…thump…
"What about me, Legolas? Do I mean nothing to you?"
"Of course you do, it's just-" thump…thump "…you could never understand, Estel, I have eternity to deal with the things I've lost. For you, time means something. Time will change you. It will not remove my scars. Ever."
"Yes it will, that's what hope is for."
"You have no idea what it's like to lose your past, get it back, and then lose it again! I barely know who I am anymore either!"
Aragorn shook his head. "You're stronger than this."
"No I'm not."
"You were."
"Well, then I guess I'm not anymore." He turned his head away.
thump…thump…thump…
He'd broken his friend's heart with those words…he shouldn't have said them. But he wasn't taking them back either.
Aragorn stood, walked to the door, opened it- then paused. "You know you're wrong. I do understand what you're going through. See…I think my friend has forgotten me as well."
The door closed loudly, leaving Legolas in the darkness with his thoughts.
When would he stop losing those he cared about?
When would he stop hurting?
When would things stop going so utterly wrong!
thump…thump… Bengwiil. thump…thump…
"Seventy-eight."
thump…thump… Mornaeg. thump…thump…
"Eighty-four."
thump…thump… Edren. thump…thump…
"Eighty-seven."
"Now I wish I had not suggested this pastime."
thump…thump… Life. thump…thump…
"Ninety-two."
thump…thump… Death. thump…thump…
"Ninety-five."
"I wish you would not count the stairs like that. 'Tis long enough a staircase without you counting how long!"
"Strider!"
Laughter. Echoing over the stairs of Gabil Gûndu. They were going to make it. They were going to find the daylight. Aragorn was going to pull him through again. He could see the stairs giving way to daylight. The darkness was gone.
Without a word, the friends sunk onto the soft earth, and lay there without speaking. It was again quiet between them, but the silence was welcoming and not quite absolute, with the sounds of Mirkwood's inhabitants stirring all around them, and the leaves rustling in a subtle breeze. All was still, but it was not the deafening silence that had crushed them underground. It was peaceful.
And then he was here. In the dark. Dirt spilling into his boots, just as doubt spilled into his mind.
thump…thump… Aragorn.
Silence.
"What am I doing?"
"Coming to your senses."
Legolas whirled, his hand flying to his daggers by instinct.
"And not killing me, I hope."
Sitting cross-legged, back braced against the door, sat Aragorn, a quiet smile on his face. He hadn't left after all.
"Okay." Legolas sighed, defeated. "Say it."
"What?"
"Come on, you know you want to."
"Okay. I told you so."
"Thank you…but you can get that smug look off your face."
"What look?"
"That look."
"I'm not making a look-"
"You most definitely are- you're making this look." Legolas attempted to imitate it.
"I can't see you, so I don't know what you're talking about. But I'm sure you look very silly right now."
Legolas let go a short, breathy laugh, Aragorn stood, crossed the room, and reached out a hand to help the elf to his feet. "Let's go."
"Okay." Legolas took it, and stood. "I have a friend I need to see."
- - - - -
"Edren?"
The elf's head shot up. His elven senses were clearly getting back into gear; Legolas hadn't been that quiet. "Hey, easy," he sat slowly down on the bed, trying his hardest to smile.
"I'm- I'm sorry, about what happened-"
Legolas was practically shaking his head before Edren spoke. "No, no it wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault, except mine."
Edren was going to dispute that, and Legolas could tell, so he barreled on. "I- I brought something for you." He pulled out the cloth bag, handing it to Edren.
The other elf opened the bag curiously, and pulled out two, small, leather-bound books. He looked up quizzically.
"They're journals- ones you wrote. You wrote them for me, but I thought- maybe they'd help you remember."
Edren nodded, smiling his first genuine smile. "Thank you, Legolas, I- I really do want to remember."
"Oh, I know you do. I know." And Legolas smiled back encouragingly.
There was a slightly uncomfortable pause, while Edren pretended to be very interested in the two books in his hands. Legolas figured it was time to go. He rose slowly, hoping maybe to avoid saying any sort of "see you later, then" all together.
But Edren looked up as he rose, "Legolas, I have a question."
Legolas smiled gently back. "Okay, go ahead."
"I…" he paused, and then blurted, "do I have a family?"
Legolas' smile faded into a sadder one. Oh Valar…Thernad. He hadn't thought of this. "Yes."
Edren's face paled.
"No children, but you have a wife."
"I see. Well were- are we…in love?"
"Very much," Legolas nodded for emphasis.
And then Legolas left, without comment, as Edren sat in his thoughts. This was going to be harder than he thought.