RR76: I've neglected this story for far too long. Behold--it's back, bitches. Chapter--what is it, 13? Huh. Well, one of those teen numbers.
Anyway.
Nobody's gonna read this, 'cuz of how long I took updating, I'll bet...but for the hell of it, I'll write anyway.
As the Pre-Teen Titans Southeast took on Imgelus and The Monster, the original, non-poser Pre Teen Titans were at a random oil rig in the bay. Y'know, the one next to the huge canyon, which is a ten-minute hike from the sylvan glade. Look it up, bitches.
Anyway, Professor Power was standing in the center of the oil rig, laughing maniacally. "Muahahahahaha! I, Professor Power, the greatest supervillian in Pre Teen Titans history, will suck the power from this rig, and use it to power my...um, profession!" He continued his maniacal laughter, when suddenly a Jayarang came flying out of nowhere, cutting off his arm.
Professor Power cried like the pussy he is. "WAAAAHHHH!" he wailed. "MY ARM! MY AAAAAAAAAAAAAARM!"
"Oh, deal with it, puthy," a lispy voice taunted. "You thure thuck thomething all right, and it'th not power."
"What, pray tell, would this mystery substance be?" a ditzy voice asked ditzilly. "Uranium? Potassium? Lasagna, perhaps?"
The lispy voice sighed. "With people like you around, no wonder I turned gay..."
Professor Power shrieked. "NOOOO! THE VOICES IN MY HEAD! I thought I got rid of them in therapy!"
"Homo-sapian villian, I demand that you relinquish your position as a pussy, lest I be forced to blow you," a robotic voice droned.
Just then, a plothole opened up and a golden-colored robot with a bowling pin for a mouth stepped out, brandishing a handgun. He pressed the barrel to Professor Power's chest and pulled the trigger, blowing his lungs out. "I sometimes ask myself: 'Why do I wake up in the morning when all I get for company is a gay thumb, a preteen alien ditz, a homoerotic robot and the most useless shapeshifter ever?'"
Lispy Voice cheered. "Good job Crow! Now we can go to the ith cream thtore and pig out on cookieth n' cream!"
A random, slightly scratchy voice sighed. "I'm sure there's a kind of cream you're gonna be pigging out on tonight, and it sure as hell doesn't involve cookies..."
"Why do you lash out like that?" asked Ditzy Voice. Scratchy Voice sniffled and started to cry, sobbing "Dirt," and "Raven," and "sexual positions that I didn't even know existed," randomly.
Crow sighed--marking the third time this chapter that someone has sighed. "You all suck so much, the author refuses to say your names. God, I hate you all. Excuse me while I go home and mope." And so he moped.
"Wait--how come HE gets a moped and I don't?" Scratchy Voice whined.
The Almighty Author sighed. "Not mo-PED you idiot, it's--fuck it, next scene!"
And so the camera panned downward, using a special "see through solid rock" lens...down to a mysterious cavern...of mystery...where somewhere, somehow, something happened...something...plot convenient...
"Statement: This model is ready to serve...master."
The next day, Crow T. Robot, TV's wisecracking 'bot of MST3K fame, was relaxing in his room, watching the latest episode of Code: Lyoko.
"Gasp!" Jeremy shouted. "Something terrible is happening!
"What is it, what's wrong?" the others said in unison.
"Xana has concocted an evil plan to separate us all, that he might pick us off one by one!"
"Oh no, not again!" the moaned in unison.
"Luckily, Xana forgot about the power of friendship!" exclaimed Yumi, the girl who is proof that there is an F-cup. "To the scanners!"
"Transfer ULRICH!" Jeremy squealed. "Transfer YUMI! Transfer QUEER! Uh, ODD!"
"By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" Crow said mockingly, rolling his eyes and switching off the TV. Just then, a Plot Convenient Sound(tm) sounded outside.
"Who's there?" Crow asked--and there was no answer. He grabbed his mirth mortar and crept out the door, looking for the intruder. He crept down hallways and corridors a-plenty, until he came to...the living room. GASP! How dastardly! He raised his mirth-mortar, and...
"SURPRISE!"
Crow fell backward, dropping his mirth-mortar, which misfired and hit Creature Kid in the face with a barrage of feather shrapnel, causing said pre-teen to collapse in a fit of laughter. "What the hell is going on?" Crow asked, reasonably pissed.
The Pre-Teen Titans stopped, looked at each other, and shrugged. "We jutht wanted to pith you off," Bluejay said. "Did it work?"
Crow looked at them angrily, then turned and shuffled out of the room. As he went down the hall, he was stopped by some dude in his way. "Who the hell are you?" he asked, still reasonably pissed.
"Who am I? Who am I?" his stop-ing person replied. "I am nothing."
Crow stared at him, a blank look on his face. "...Come again?"
"I am nothing. I am dead, yet still I walk. I am but a spirit, yet I have flesh. I do not exist, and yet I do," he said cryptically.
Crow turned his head. "BLUEJAY! There's another stoner-hobo in the tower!" Crow turned back to the stoner-hobo, prepared to berate his ass off, but alas--said stoner hobo was gone. Crow blinked. "Double-you-tee-ef?"
Just then, SaintH's lawyers sued the Almighty Author for stealing that-which-appears-in-all-his-chapters. Almighty Author countered that it was a widely spread internet thing, and that nobody had claim over it. He then shot the bitch-ass lawyers, and everyone was happy.
Except Crow--nobody believed him because the Stoner-Hobo was gone. And then the 'Oh Shit' alarm rang.
The Pre-Teen Titans burst into a warehouse. "Where is the villian ever-which we are forced to blow?" asked Blowbot. "Prime Bastard Tony-Scair? Murderous Knat? Slode, perhaps?"
"Interjection: Negative, fellow machine. All these villians are either A) Made up on the spot, or B) Dead," a mechanical voice said.
Bluejay leaped forward. "Whoever you are, come out with your handth behind you back, a ball-gag in your mouth, and three bottles of Dove lotion on your perthon!"
A lllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaseeeeeeeeeeer struck the spot inches away from where Bluejay was standing. "Rejection: I must decline your request, oh pathetic thumb of a meatbag."
Crow's eyes widened. "Oh...fuck."
Out of some Random Atmospheric Mist(tm) stepped a rust-red robotic android-thingy, with a head shaped like a skull, and two blood-red eye receptor thingies. "Oh...yesss..." He raised his left arm and unleashed flame-throwery goodness at the Pre-Teen Titans. They dodged, and R-R RAT raised his right hand, which clutched a llllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaseeeeeeeeeeeer pistol thingy, and opened fire on the Pre-Teen Titans...who, conveniently, dodged that too. And so, they fought, in a kick-ass, action packed battle that I'm too lazy to type out.
Crow sat back watching the whole thing from afar, as he had no powers or weapons of any kind, and watched the four Pre Teen Titans fight R-R RAT. "Aw, hell, this means there's gonna be an apocalypse, dun' it?" he asked.
"Why yes," said a Random Plot-Convenient Voice(tm). "Yes it does." Crow turned around to see...
"Hey, you're the stoner-hobo from the hallway scene!" he yelled. "What gives?"
"I am no stoner-hobo, gold-colored machine. I am..." he SWOOSHED a red cape, revealing a crappy-looking piece of armor with wide-ass shoulder pads covering his torso. "THE PLOT-CONVENIENT KNIGHT(tm)!"
Crow stared. "THIS is the Robin of this parody?"
"Fuck off 'bot, I commanded legions of M-16 toting badasses in an alternate dimension, and I got more weapons than y'all do, so you're at my mercy. Now run along."
Crow did as he was told, with Plot-Convenient Knight in tow, but they were soon followed by R-R RAT, who jumped into a plothole and appeared in Crow and Plot-Convenient Knight's path. He walked forward menacingly. "Statement: I congratulate you, Mister Crow. You got rather far--farther than most victims of mine do--but this is where it ends. Such a pity--spend four years with nobody but meatbags as company and this is what you get..."
Plot-Convenient Knight drew a random sword that hung at his side. "Back, yonder robot, lest I slice n'dice you into tiny, bite-sized portions!"
"Retort: Shut up you self-obsessed meatbag warrior. If you were truly as strong as you say you are your story would have gotten more than 8 reviews!"
Plot-Convenient Knight's eyes started to water. "B-but...I...I..." He roared with fury and charged R-R RAT, only to have a hole burned through his chest from R-R RAT's concealed pistol thingy. Plot-Convenient Knight fell to the ground with a thud.
"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My worthless companion that I knew for all of five minutes! Who are you, you murderous robot?" Crow demanded.
"Identification: I am HK-47, and while it is a shame to terminate a fellow machine, I must now deactivate you...permanently."
Just then, Crow grabbed a plothole (never a shortage of those, are there?) opened it up, grabbed Plot-Convenient Knight, and jumped inside, landing in the middle of a church. He stared at the body of Plot-Convenient Knight...until he heard footsteps behind him. "I am SO much more badass than him..." the voice sighed.
Crow turned around to see Carson standing behind him. "What? YOU'RE the new Robin of this parody?"
Carson gave a quick wave. "Yo."
Crow shook his head. "Fuck it; I'll take what I can get. There's a homicidal robot outside. I want you to kill him."
"Can do!" Carson said, grabbing his revolver and running out the door.
3.5 seconds later...
HK-47 burst in, dragging Carson's burnt, bloodied corpse behind him. "Mocking statement: I do believe I broke the poor meatbag..."
Crow tried to run out the front door, but alas, this was the result of a blonde moment, as HK-47 shot him nonfat ally and dragged him to the top of the Seattle Space Needle. "Job Description: I am now to provide you with a Story-Arc-Related-Vision program(tm). Hold still please. You may notice a slight burning sensation--that's only until the searing pain kicks in." He slid a disk into Crow's head...and Crow had a vision of bad stuff happening, and all the Pre-Teen Titans being statues.
Then, the camera panned upward, and he saw...he saw...
(SCENE MISSING)
Crow fell unconscious. HK-47 picked Crow up and held him over the edge of the Needle. "Foreshadowing statement: We'll be in touch." And so, Crow did fall...straight into a plothole, back to Pre-Teen Titans Tower, where he was surrounded by the other Pre-Teen Titans.
"Is everyone all right?" asked Crow.
"All right? ALL RIGHT?" Creature Kid exploded. "You run off and leave us to fight a killer robot, and then you have the testicular fortitude to ask us if we're ALL RIGHT?"
"Um...yeah."
Creature Kid got a blank look on his face. "Oh. Just checking. Can I borrow that mirth-mortar thing again?"
"Knock yerself out."
"Thanks." BOOM. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! TEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!"
Elsewhere, in a Mysterious Cavern of Doom...
"Report: The message has been delivered, Master. The golden robot knows his fate. The prophecy shall be fulfilled."
"And this 13-chapter-and-counting parody fic will soon come to an end..."
"Clay? Clay? Have you seen my copy of Apocalypse: Now? Did you lend it to the Thomsons again?"
"Not now Frank, I'm delivering an ominous message of foreshadowing and doom!"
"Oh...well, when you're done then."
"Yeah, sure...ahem..."
HK-47 stared.
"...My lab assistant."
"Skeptical agreement: Of course, Master."
"Yeah, well...push the button, would you Frank?"
"Sure Clay! After that can we go buy some candy-corn?"
"Push the damn button, and then we'll talk."
And so the button was pushed, and the chapter ended, as did our story...for now...muahahahahahaha!
RR76: Again, I'm sorry for ignoring this for so long. You can review it now. Please.