RR76: Ahoy-hoy.

As per tradition, I must update Pre Teen Titans, GO! before Ascension. For those who are interested, the 15th chapter is in the works, and is 2/3ds of the way done.

Today's cast:

"The Usual Gang of Idiots--PTT."

"Guest starring: HK-47."

"Featuring special appearences by: Terrance and Phillip, Joel Robinson, and the Robot Devil."

As usual, I own Blowbot, Creature Kid, and Sunburn, plus the Plot-Convenient Knight. All others are stolen from other, more hilarious, sources.

Part One:
Ohhhh, snap!

Dateline, Leap City. Location, Pre Teen Titans Tower. As the residents of this large, P-shaped structure began to get all be-dozular, a bright red alarm akin to nails scratching on the chalkboard in Hell sounded. This, of course, was the Alarm of Impending Battle, otherwise known as the "Oh Shit," alarm.

Bluejay, clad in the blue feetie pajamas that he wears as a costume, rushed into the living room, followed by the rest of the team, followed by the Plot-Convenient Knight.

"Hey! What the hell are you doing here?" Creature Kid demanded.

The PCK munched on a carrot. "Hmm? Oh. I'm trying this new thing: Shameless self-promomotion for the fourth installment in the Carson series."

"Fuck that," spat Bluejay. "The damn author hathn't even finished the 15th chapter of his THIRD installment!"

"Yeah!" Crow chimed in. "Why doesn't he finish up Ascension before he starts thinking ahead to the other parts? Get the hell out of our home and don't come back until you've made an impact on the plot of the Carson series!"

As the Plot-Convenient Knight sobbed and ran away, heart filled with emossity, Bluejay turned to his teammates. "Well gang, it theemth we have a crime on our handth. Tho, let'th turn now to...the Great Big Book of Everything!"

Out of nowhere, a lesbian cat and a dog with Downs' Syndrome appeared. They began to sing. "It's...the...Great Big Book of Everything, with everything inside! Who knows what suprises, your wonderballz can hide?"

The PTT stared blankly. "Verily, feline," Sunburn interjected, "but are you naught in some way based on the alternative-lifestyle embracing female actor Ellen Degeneres?"

Suddenly, a horde of rabid Koreans appeared and ate Lesbian Cat and Challenged Dog. Bluejay flipped through the Great Big Book of Everything, and finally gasped. "Gasp!" he gasped gaspularly.

"Crap, he gasped," sighed Crow. "This is never a good sign."

"By the testicles of Robert Downy Jr!" Bluejay said, dropping the Great Big Book of Everything. "HK-47 is blowing up abandoned shit downtown! There is nobody and nothing in any sort of danger! It is very clearly a flimsy plot thread designed to get us into danger to further advance the plot!"

"Is that all?" Creature Kid groaned. "You woke us up for that?"

"Bluejay, if my power cells were not operating at below 50 percent, I would blow you," Blowbot droned. "For now, I shalt retire to my roomchamber."

"Wait!" Bluejay cried. He flipped a few more pages forward in the Great Big Book of Everything and gasped once more. "He'th got Terranth and Phillip held hothtage!"

The PTT gasped.

"Terrance and Phillip? No! He can't--that monster!" they all shouted in unison.

"Flatulent comedians are in danger of insemination!" Sunburn gasped. "We must slink into verb!"

Creature Kid leaned over to Crow. "Sometimes I wonder if she gets her dialogue from Mad Libs," he whispered.

Placeholder: The Fabtabulous Tale of the Mary-Sue Triumverate

Fools' Gold was breathing deeply. "Aaaah, it's a beautiful day here in High Drool, isn't it Lohan?"

Lohan grinned. "I like pie!" she said.

Fools' Gold's hair hung over his face, framing it in a very Mary-Sue like fashion. "And what about you, Irritable Bowel Syndrome?"

Irritable Bowel Syndrome started barking. "FICKING DUMASS IM BETTER THAN YOO BASTAD."

With a roll of the eyes and a sigh, Carson Elam drew his weapon.

SCHWI!

Thud.

Thud.

"FICKIN!"

Thud.

"Still way cooler than you."

Part Two:
What Brian Boitano Would Do

"Say Terrance," Phillip, the blue-shirted Canadian comedian said, turning to his friend and partner.

"Yes Phillip?" replied Terrance, his upper head bouncing comically off of his jaw.

"I really have to fart. Do you think that I can get that HK-47 to use his flamethrower to light it on fire?" Phillip asked hopefully.

"I don't know Phillip. If I had a match, I'd light it for you."

"And if we weren't being threatened with a laser rifle, I'd thank you," Phillip said, nervously eyeing the barrel of the rifle. "Don't you ever get bored, you shit-faced cockmaster?"

"Disgruntled reply: Of course I do, meatbag. I would much rather have blown your head to small bone fragments by now. But you are the bait, and even bait has it's purpose."

"Well, then could you at least light my fart on fire? It might make you feel better."

Suddenly, with a SZCHWIITZLE and a KWA-PANGO, the Pre Teen Titans were on the scene! "Releath the Canadianth thith inthant, or I'll do to you what Bill Callahan did to Rich Gannon!"

"Query: And what would that be, homosexual appendage?"

"I'll thee to it that you injure your thoulder and thit out the retht of the regular theathon!" He brought out a statue of Tampa Bay Buccaneers linebacker Derrick Brooks. "Don't make me do it..."

After a moment of awkward gawking, HK-57 raised his weapon to Bluejay and opened fire. The PTT scattered, and Bluejay hurled the Derrick Brooks statue at HK-47.

"Exclamation: Ow."

"Take that!"

As they did battle, Crow snuck up behind Terrance and Phillip. "Look Terrance, it's that robot from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 show!"

"Oh yes, hello there Crow! Do you know what this kidnapping is aboot?" asked Terrance as Crow undid his restraints.

"Well, it's this whole plot-arc involving me," explained Crow, "but I don't think even the Almighty Author knows what the fuck is going on."

"Wow, I hate when that happens, don't you Phillip?"

"I sure do, Terrance!" Fart. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"You farted, Phillip!"

"Shut up, you pig-fucker!"

"Phillip! Why would you call me a pig fucker?"

"Hmm. Well, let's see: You fuck pigs!"

"Oh right, of course!"

The two laughed merrily, but then were forced to run as HK-47 continued to fire on them mercilessly. "Quick!" called Creature Kid. "Into this abandoned porno theater!"

The seven of them ran into the theater and barricaded the door. Unfortunately, they forgot Crow. So Crow stood outside in front of the door as HK-47 advanced on him.

"Statement: Celluloid-lampooning unit Crow T. Robot, you have given me quite a bit of problems lately. But I assure you, they will be rectified soon enough, hopefully within the next few chapters."

"What do you want with me?" demanded Crow. "What do I have that you want?"

"Vague answer: Robot, it is not my place to tell you what it is that you are to do, merely to insure that it is done. For this purpose, I will blast you and leave you unconcious, as I enter this abandoned center of sexual promiscuity, and hunt down your meatbag companions."

"Wha--" BLANG. Crow fell unconcious. HK-47 strode to the door.

"Veeeeeeeeeeeeeenuuuuuuuus...oh Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenuuuuuuuuuuuuuus..."

"If that HK droid gets in here," panted Creature Kid, "we're...done for..."

Terrance and Phillip exchanged a look with their beady Canadian eyes. "You guys run," Terrance said, his wobbly Canadian head bouncing off of his jaw as he spoke. "If that donkey-raping shit eater comes in, we'll distract him long enough for you to get through."

Red light shone through the cracks of the door. Suddenly, orange flames sprung up behind them. "Go!" yelled Phillip, turning to the door. "We'll hold him off! You go into that conveniently placed staircase!"

As the Pre Teen Titans rushed down the staircase, the door fell to the ground in flames, and HK-47 walked into the room.

"Ready Terrance?"

"Ready, Phillip. It's been an honor farting alongside you."

"Same here, Terrance. Same here."

And with that, they turned to each other and broke into song.

"Terrance: Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka!
You're a cock sucking, ass-licking uncle fucka!
You're an uncle fucka, yes it's true,
Nobody fucks uncles quite like you!"

Phillip: Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka!
You're the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka!
You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn,
You just fuck your uncle all day long!

The two broke into rhythmic farting, jumping around HK-47. "Query: What is going on here?"

The two Canadians began to fart at each other, and at HK-47. Blinded by their flatulence, HK raised his arm and fired off his flamethrower into the air. The farts caught fire and he was engulfed in flames.

"Agonized exclaimation: My photoreceptors! My photoreceptors!" Covered in flames, HK-47 retreaded, running as fast as he could from the porno theater.

Unfortunately, Terrance and Phillip were caught in the flames. Scorched and dying, the two of them still struggled out the last few bars of the song.


Both: Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka!
You're a boner biting bastard, uncle fucka!

Terrance: You're an...uncle...fucka, I must say!

Phillip: You fucked...your uncle yesterday!

Both: Uncle fucka...That's U...N...C...L...E...
Fuck you! Uncle fucka! Tonight!

With that, Terrance succumbed to his wounds and collapsed on the ground. As the world faded from around him, Phillip's Canadian head began to flap one last time. "Suck...my...balls..."

Part Three:
Crow Grows a Pair

Crow sat at the bar in a small restoraunt in Minnesota, sipping some manner of alchoholic beverage. Next to him sat a man in his early 40s, wearing a red jumpsuit with the name "JOEL," etched on it.

"What's wrong Crow?" he asked. "You look about as sad as a robot who was trapped up in outer-space for a decade could be."

"Oh, it's nothing Joel...just..." he sighed. "This droid, HK-47, he's trying to use me for some dark purpose, or some crap like that...and it's really gettin' me down."

"Well, if I were you Crow, I'd probably just try to relax. Good things come to those who wait, you know, and it certainly came to me after five years in the Satellite of Love."

"You really think so Joel?" Crow asked, looking up at his father.

Joel smiled and nodded warmly. "I know so. Of course, that's the kind of thinking that landed me up in space in the first place. So I'd just go out there and kick his bitch-ass."

"That's a great idea Joel, except that this HK-47 is scary and red and filled with all kinds of scary red hidden weapons. How do you fight that?"

Joel stared at him solomnly. "Come with me, Crow. There's something I need to show you."

Somehow, HK-47 had cornered the Pre Teen Titans beneath the porno theater, beneath a giant statue of John Elway. "Smug statement: Fear not, for your agony shall be brief. That is, if you are a droid. For meatbags, I doubt that 8.62 hours could be considered 'brief.'"

Suddenly, Crow appeared and kicked HK-47's ass in a manner that I'm too lazy to describe.

HK-47 stared in awe at Crow T. Robot, shocked at his newfound testicular fortitude. "Statement: You are a very brutal target, Mr. Robot. I like you. Unfortunate, it is, that I still have to have you terminated." And with that, he steped into a plothole and disappeared.

Back at Pre Teen Titans Tower, the other PTT had gathered outside, where a single stone plaque lay.

It read:

Terrance Henry Stoot

Phillip Niles Argyle

They died so that we may live.
Damn, that was stupid of them.

"Uncle fucker! That's U!N!C!L!E! Uncle fucker!"

"Rest in peace, friends," Crow said softly. "You've earned it.

Epilogue:
Prelude to Another Chapter

"You've done me proud, HK-47. I really must got to say, you're one of the best servants a robot devil could ask for."

"Modest reply: In fairness, these are not the most exceptional targets to be hunting. I'd much rather be facing the real Teen Titans."

"Patience, my friend. Their time will come sometime after this plot arc is over. For now, let's get to sleep. All this evil-ing is making me tired."

"As you desire, Master. Signing off."