I thought it about time that I started answering questions asked in reviews.
Meep meep: I don't know, what have I done! (Review of chapter 5)
Fizzycolasugarhigh: Is business studies ever interesting? I worry about Chris. He tried to slash his wrists using a keyboard. :S
Yaeko: Overeating is a symptom of depression, and wanted to show the emotional/mental damage Lucius was causing Sevvie-kins as well as the physical. Your second question will hopefully be answered in this chapter.
Thank you everyone for your kind reviews. They really make my day! This fic is going somewhere, I promise. Just bear with me!
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Harry laughed as Severus finished telling a rather obscure anecdote about his first year as a Hogwarts professor, and pretended not to see Severus' ironic smirk, as the moody potion-brewer still insisted that he did not have a sense of humour. He settled into a comfortable silence and breathed in the second hand smoke emitted from Severus, which he had realised long ago he didn't mind so much.
It had been two months since the discovery of Lucius and Severus' unhealthy relationship, and the leaves had started to brighten, before wilting and falling to the ground. He'd kept the promise he'd made to Severus not to tell anyone, although at times the pressure of knowing their dreadful secret was suffocating. Instead, he'd carried on meeting him in the room he ran to when he needed to hide, often returning to his own room whilst it was still dark, but sometimes, when it had been really bad, staying in Severus' secret sanctuary until daylight. Severus never asked him to stay, and never thanked him for doing so, but Harry knew that, despite being a incurable hermit, he was grateful for the company. They talked about Hogwarts; Quidditch; the ministry; Harry's future; Draco; old friends; anything, really. Anything but Lucius, the secret which had brought them together and yet created an invisible barrier between the two ex-adversaries. Slowly Severus' innate reserve had dimmed and he felt more comfortable with Harry's presence, until it became natural, part of the background. Harry tried to pinpoint the time when they'd stopped sitting acres away from one another on the end of the bed and had started to sit side by side on the floor with their backs to it. The habits they'd once found annoying in one another were now just the idiosyncrasies by which they defined the other.
Harry checked the time and, seeing that it was late, started to move back to his own room. The half-smile slipped from Severus' face and he busied himself lighting another cigarette. Harry decided that Draco could do without him for one night.
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"I have a confession." Severus favoured Harry with a raised eyebrow.
"Oh? Do I want to know?" Severus' dismissive attitude caused Harry to think that he probably wouldn't care if he admitted to murder.
"I spent most of my third year stealing potions from you." He looked down sheepishly, leaving behind the twenty-six year old auror to become a chastisement fearing teenager once more. Severus didn't even flinch.
"Oh, I know." Harry stared at him with a look not unlike that of a startled deer, waiting vainly for an explanation.
"Why didn't you stop me? Your main aim while I was Hogwarts was to get me into trouble." Severus shrugged.
"I kept meaning to. I guess Remus just distracted me from my usual testiness." It took Harry a moment to realise that they'd been a couple during his third year, and Severus mused that for someone of his intelligence he was sometimes incredibly slow, and he still had to ask for confirmation of his assumptions.
"You were together for the whole year, and nobody suspected anything?" Severus smirked.
"It's amazing what you can get up to in a dungeon without anyone noticing." The room was silent for a second, before he laughed wickedly as Harry clapped his hands over his ears and repeated the syllable 'la' over and over again, like a mulish child.
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"Why did you and Remus split up?" Severus let out the exasperated sigh he reserved for unwelcome questions.
"I got bored."
"What?" Severus sighed again.
"I got bored. I enjoy my freedom. I don't like being with the same person for too long." he laughed shortly. "Not that I was particularly faithful." Harry seemed concerned, although whether it was for Remus or Severus was unclear.
"You cheated on Remus?" Severus scowled.
"More times than I care to remember." Harry was undeterred by Severus' obvious discomfort.
"But -" Severus snapped, cutting his sentence short.
"I'd rather not talk about my love life, if that's alright with you?" Harry glanced down as he realised that he'd overstepped his mark and mumbled his apologies.
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Severus noticed Harry looking at him and tried to ignore him, but the startling green eyes bore into the side of his head until he could no longer abide it.
"What?"
"You're going to kill yourself."
"I wasn't planning on it, but if you insist I guess I could give it a go." Harry frowned.
"I didn't mean like that. You smoke too much, you drink too much, you eat little and seldom sleep. You work too hard. It's no wonder you're always so tired!"
"I do not drink too much! And if the ministry asks for potions I'm hardly going to say no." Harry looked unconvinced.
"You had a glass of wine with breakfast this morning and the ministry has to accept that you're trying to enjoy your retirement." Severus snorted. "And what about the smoking? And under-eating and under-sleeping?"
"I've always lived like this and I'm still alive, aren't I?" He looked down sheepishly at his nicotine stained fingers. "Besides, Lucius doesn't like me when I'm fat." Harry's voice softened.
"You've never been fat, Severus. You've always been underweight. He just likes to play with your mind, exercise his control over you. You know that, don't you?" Severus' head jerked upwards and he glared at Harry with stony eyes.
"Don't speak to me as you would a child. Need I remind you that I'm twenty years your senior, and far more experienced in the workings of my boyfriend's mind than you could ever be. I'm quite capable of running my own life successfully without your input."
"Yes, your life is in perfect order, isn't it? In fact, it's just how I want my life to be. Trapped in a big, airy house with no friends and nothing better to do than smoke, and drink, and get the shit beaten out of me by my boyfriend whenever I do something as heinous as put on a few ounces. Yes, Severus, your life is all sussed out, isn't it? Well done." He made his way to the door with his head held high, stopping when he got there to address the wretched man sitting at the foot of the bed. "Lucius doesn't know you smoke though, does he?" He remained quiet. "Didn't think so. So what's your excuse for that?" He left Severus in the dark with only the thoughts he strove to keep at bay for company. He looked at the cigarette burning closer to his fingers before he stubbed it out on the wooden floor.
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"I lied." Harry, who'd started to doze off, sat up sharply.
"Hm?"
"I said I lied. Remus split up with me, not the other way around." Harry looked at him questioningly, no longer tired now his natural curiosity has been provoked. "I did cheat on him, but I didn't want to give him up. I loved him, despite what he thought. But even if I'd stopped, reformed, become the perfect partner he always wanted me to be, I couldn't compete with Sirius." Harry looked shocked at this latest piece of news about his highly esteemed godfather, but, more then that, he seemed concerned. "He loved Sirius more than me, although Sirius didn't appreciate Remus as much as he should. To him Remus was just one more thing he had and I didn't. He put Sirius on a pedestal and I was just someone to keep him entertained until he was out of prison." As Severus spoke he seemed to shrink, age, as if becoming the person he saw himself as. He pretended to be interested in a mark on the floor, although in the dark he could barely see two feet in front of his face. Harry looked away, feeling awkward. "I'm sorry, Harry, I didn't mean to…" he trailed off with a shrug.
"It's okay." Harry gave a weak smile and they fell into silence. A few minutes passed before Harry had the courage to speak again. "Are all wizards gay, or just the ones I know?" Severus laughed and punched Harry playfully on the arm, and they descended into conversation easily.
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"Shit." Severus sat behind the door, unable to make it to the bed yet needing the wall to support his willowy frame. His knees were drawn up to his chest so he could rest his head on them and he was trembling. There was a lot of blood, much more than usual, and it flowed so readily from every wound. Harry could no longer deny that it was getting worse, and the periods Severus spent in the hated room were becoming more and more frequent. He saw how Severus must have looked when he was a teenager and suddenly hated his father and Sirius for tormenting him so in his youth. He couldn't help but think that, if they'd left him alone, he would have the confidence to stand up to Lucius and leave. He hated Remus for failing to see the dark elegance and beauty hidden beneath his cold, scornful exterior, for not recognising the fragile waif shivering before him. He hated Lucius for reducing the once strong man into someone so vulnerable and frightened. But mostly he hated himself, for being too scared to help when it was so evidently needed.
Harry helped him to the foot of the bed, and for once Severus didn't snap that he could look after himself. He allowed Harry to tend to his wounds, hissing occasionally at his clumsy, untrained attempts. By the time Harry had cleaned away most of the blood Severus had regained his composure and was patiently waiting for Harry to finish. Harry poured the now red water down the sink and sat beside Severus, careful not to knock into him lest his billowing robes hid purpling bruises. Severus opened his mouth to say something, but gave up and took out his cigarettes. Harry reached over him and threw them across the room. They hit the wall with a muffled thump and fell to the floor.
"Are you angry with me?" Harry stopped himself before he could snap and took a deep breath.
"No, of course not. You've done nothing wrong. I'm just worried about you."
"Sorry."
"Don't apologise! You have nothing to be sorry for." Harry put his head in his hands. "Look what he's reduced you to. He's changed you, Severus."
"He's done worse."
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
I'm almost asleep when Lucius stumbles in the dark and wakes me. I scowl and try to go back to sleep, but the light from the bathroom falls across my eyes and I give up.
"You're incapable of being quiet, aren't you?" Lucius jumps at the sound of my voice but smiles as he glances back at me.
"Maybe I wanted to wake you." I roll my eyes and slide across the bed so he can climb in beside me. He lays his hand on my cheek and subtly brushes my hair behind my ears with his little finger. I allow his delicate kisses, but push him away as his hand wanders to my waistband.
"I'm tired. I'd rather just sleep." He frowns and raises an eyebrow.
"I'd rather not." He moves to kiss me and I push him away again. His frown deepens and all humour disappears from his silvery eyes. I don't notice his fingers curled around my wrists until I feel his nails scratching at the fragile network of veins.
"Severus, this is getting very tedious." His voice is calm, but there's a threatening undertone which makes me more determined to defend myself.
"No, Lucius." His grip on my wrist tightens and I feel the small bones grinding together. He moves closer and looks at me pityingly.
"I thought you would have realised by now, but I always get my own way."
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
I lie with my back to Lucius, staring absent-mindedly at the contents of the bedside table. There's a lamp, a copy of 'Fantastic Beats and Where to Find Them.', a nail Lucius had found on the floor that morning, and which we'd assumed had been overlooked after the refurbishments made to our room a month ago, and a few homeless, mismatched buttons.
I'm not tired anymore. In fact, I don't think I'll sleep at all tonight.
"Severus?" I squeeze my eyes shut and try to ignore his silken voice. I open them again quickly, needing the smoky moonlight filtering through the open window. "Come here." He touches my shoulder and I try not to flinch away from his cold fingertips. I turn around and slide my arms around his waist, resting my head on his chest. His heartbeat is strangely soothing, yet doesn't cancel the feelings of unease caused by his chilled fingers on my back. My eyelids flutter shut again, and this time I welcome the darkness. His whispered voice breaks through my thoughts. "Tell me you love me."
"I love you." He snorts.
"Fucking liar." His voice is marginally louder and I feel his heart rate increase until it's the only thing I can hear.
"No I'm not." His fist hits my stomach hard, winding me. As I gasp for breath, my eyes streaming, he shoves me away from him and pins my hands above my head with one hand. With the other he snatches something from the small table to my left and holds it above one of my eyes. I have to squint in the dark, but recognise it as the forgotten nail he'd rooted out from under the bed.
"Who else are you sleeping with?" I wonder if Lucius has finally taken leave of his senses.
"Nobody, Lucius." His nostrils flare.
"Don't lie to me, you cheap whore." He moves the nail closer to my eye.
"I'm not lying Lucius, I promise, I'm not." He grins and I close my eyes instinctively.
"Open your eyes, or I'll just pin your eyelids to them." I open them unwillingly. "I could blind you right now, couldn't I? Poke out your pretty little eyes and then you would never be able to look at another man ever again, would you?"
"I wouldn't anyway!"
"Would you?" I realise that expressing my innocence is useless, and, in my fear, tell him what he wants to hear.
"No, Lucius."
"Who do you belong to?"
"You." He laughs and puts the nail back onto the table, but tightens his grip on my wrists. His fingernails bite into the thin layer of skin and a small pool of blood stains my skin. He strokes my cheek, and I flinch away from the patronising gesture.
"Never mind. Not that any of the men you eye up would want a cheap, nasty tramp like you anyway. You're lucky I'm so tolerant." He relinquishes his hold on me and I rest my head in the crook of his neck. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and kisses the top of my hair.
"I'm sorry." I'm not just saying it either, I can feel the regret I would if I'd actually committed anything Lucius accused me of.
"You can cry now, if you must."
"Thank you." I shed a few tears to make him happy, and focus on the cool breeze at my back.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Harry held Severus as he dissolved into tears, rocking back and forth in an attempt to soothe him. He was partially glad that Severus had found the courage to talk, but part of him mourned the youthful innocence he'd lost while listening to Severus' jumbled recollections of the past sixteen years. Finally Severus cried himself to sleep in Harry's arms, like an exhausted child after a tantrum. Harry carried on swaying, his fingers running through Severus' hair, and wept in frustration and helplessness.
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"Why do you stay with him?" Severus shrugs.
"I used to cling to a whimsical fantasy of romance, but I doubt Lucius or I believe in love any more. I guess I'm scared to leave him. I don't want to hurt Draco, and how would I live? I don't have a job, a house, anything. Lucius isn't always like this, he does show that he cares about me sometimes." He looks down and laughs bitterly. "Besides, who else would want me?"
"I want you." Severus is startled into silence. Harry moves closer to him and places a delicate kiss on his forehead. Severus knows he should stop him but desperately needs the tenderness which has so long been denied to him. Harry grazes his lips briefly and, when the expected rejection fails to materialise, leans in for a deeper kiss.
Severus is gripped with a sudden panic and pushes Harry away, with slightly more force than intended. Harry looks hurt and embarrassed, and Severus sees him as he was as a student.
"You still don't understand! He'll kill me! Don't you understand?" He grips Harry's shoulders and searches his eyes for a trace of comprehension. Harry pulls away.
"To hell with Lucius! He shouldn't be able to make you so unhappy! It's not fair!"
"Life rarely is, Harry. What about Draco? Have you thought about him?" Harry glances down and frets at the sleeve of his shirt. "If you hurt him I'll never forgive you." Harry looks up angrily.
"I'd never hurt him! I'm not like your bastard of a partner."
"There's more than one way to hurt someone, Harry."
\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Draco woke as Harry wrapped his arms around his waist and buried his eyes in his shoulder. He was alarmed by his lovers evident distress and, try as he might, he could not console him. Harry refused to loosen his grip on Draco,and when he implored him to tell him what was wrong, he cried into his collarbone. Eventually Draco soothed him somewhat, and Harry curled up in his lap and rocked, muttering "I'm sorry." over and over in a tear-choked voice.