Phase V: Selfish

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"Are you okay, Murrue-san?" came a soft voice.

"Eh?" it was then that she realised that she had been in a daze. "Oh, I'm fine Lacus-san," she replied absent-mindedly.

Lacus's eyebrows knitted in concern. "There's something bothering you, isn't there?" she asked gently.

"Hmm?" Murrue turned her gaze to the girl standing before her, "W-Why do you say that?"

"Well," the younger girl looked down and tugged at Murrue's dress, "You didn't seem to pay attention when I asked you if the length of the hem was right, and you don't seem excited or happy at all."

She then looked up and looked Murrue straight in the eyes. "You're wearing your wedding dress, yet you look so troubled."

Murrue looked down at the beautiful silk white dress she was wearing and sighed as she fingered the soft material. This wasn't exactly how she'd imagined her life to be, now that things had played out the way it did…

"This is, this is about Flaga-san, isn't it…" the younger girl stated softly when she didn't answer.

Murrue gasped. "H-How…"

Lacus smiled a bit, "Kira and I saw him last night, and we figured…" Then seeing how troubled and scared she looked, Lacus placed a hand on her shoulder. "It's okay Murrue-san, you can tell me about it. You'll feel better talking about it."

Murrue's sighed and stepped off the pedestal she had been standing on and sat on it, her dress pooling around her feet. Lacus sat down beside her and nodded in encouragement.

"I-I don't know what to do," she fiddled with the dress. "I, I thought I finally let go of my past and moved on, but he just comes out of nowhere, reminding me of all that I wanted to forget and all that I'm doing wrong.

"I feel like I'm supposed to love Mwu, like I'm obligated to do so. I mean, he almost died for me. I feel so awful that I've betrayed him so soon, and I feel horrible and guilty that this," she held out the ring, "Isn't his."

She swallowed and continued. "But I can turn back on Gale either, it just wouldn't be fair to him since he's been so kind to me, and none of this is his fault. I feel obligated to him to see this through." She bit her lip, eyes troubled. "I feel torn, and I just don't know what to do or how to feel. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel?"

Lacus listened intently.

"Your obligations, Flaga-san, and your fiancé are important," she looked at Murrue in the eyes inquisitively. "But what about Murrue-san? What does she want? Your feelings are important too." When the older woman looked uncertain, she added gently, "It's okay to be selfish once in a while, so look inside your heart and find what it is that you truly want."

Murrue shut her eyes as his words echoed painfully in her mind.

"If anything, you're the selfish one!"

"But I'm…"

His words hurt, because she knew he was right. She was the selfish one. She found that deep in her heart, she still could not forget him. It may be partly brought on by guilt, but in her heart, there were lingering feelings for him, genuine feelings that she could not deny and could never bury. She had made a mistake and betrayed him, so would he be able to forgive her for it? Part of her was afraid to find out as she remembered the bitter disappointment in his eyes, and the cold indifferent manner of which he had spoken his last words to her, wishing her to "have a good life".

And then there was Gale. It seemed that he genuinely cared for her, but was her feelings for him the same? Or was it simply because she needed someone to be there? She felt guilty that she owed it to him to make him happy. But would he be happy if she was leading him on? Would he, and her, be happier to know the truth (whatever the truth was these days)? In the back of her mind, she had feared that she was indeed leading him on, that her heart was not sincere. But she was too afraid to find out. But what she was most afraid of was that if she broke up with Gale, and Mwu rejected her, she would end up back at square one, heartbroken and alone.

She gasped as she came to that realisation. And as a concerned Lacus watched, hid her face from the mirror using her hands as she cursed herself.

"I'm…so selfish…I can't…stand it…I'm such…horrible person…I can't…even…"

Lacus gently wrapped an arm around Murrue's shaking shoulders and murmured comforting words to her.

"It's okay Murrue-san, we're all selfish inside. And whatever choice you make, even if it's selfish, I'm sure they will forgive you for it."

Lacus waited until she stopped shaking, before removing Murrue's hand from her face. She peered at the older woman gently.

"Have you decided what you want to do?"

Murrue closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She nodded.

"I want to see him again."

(...to be continued...)

AN: sorry for the delay, took me a while to figure out how to finish this. meh, a sort of filler chap, but also to show Murrue's more vulnerable side, and perhaps she has come to realise what she truly wants.

Next chapter's my fave. I've got it all written out already, just needs some tweaking...