I honestly don't know how many more of these silly things I have left in me, but I shall try to make it as entertaining as possible. So to kick things off, one of my all-time favorite Naruto parody lines…

"We covered Kakashi in crack! Hell yeah!"

The Shinobi's Guide to Training

Part One: Prelude to Psychosis

By Kaori

It is no great secret that in order to master a technique training is necessary. Some methods of training are simple, but effective, others push the body to their absolute limits, and others are so bizarre that it seems the damage far outstrips any benefits one may get from them.

Take the training for the Lotus technique for instance. Sure, you gain an insane amount of speed and the attacks themselves do a lot of damage, but the toll it takes on your muscle tissue is so severe that it should only be used as an attack of last resort.

Then there's Jiraiya's peeping jutsu, which requires the initiate to peep on nubile young women while they are bathing to acquire stealth (presumably the training is complete when you can do it without being caught). The method is incredibly questionable as the only other person who learned it nearly died of blood loss (some people are born perverts, others have perversion thrust upon them) and was almost killed by numerous women during the training phase.

Neither of these training methods hold a candle to the bizarre, scary, and insane training methods found in a training manual that, until now, has remained unopened in Konoha's library…

Hatake Kakashi, genius jounin and Icha Icha Paradise fan, was on a self-imposed mission. His team of cute genins were getting bored with tree-climbing and taijutsu practice, and were demanding more interesting training. Unfortunately, Kakashi didn't really have anything he could teach them at their current level and just using the methods Yondaime had used to train him and his old team weren't going to work here.

Walking through the aisles, he lazily eyed the various books and scrolls on the shelves. "Too advanced…too simple….can't use that because of Sakura…that's against the law…Naruto's not quite ready for that one yet…that technique's ineffective…they can learn that when they become jounin...oooh…no, that's perverted even for me…." It wasn't going well and then, he spotted it. "Eh, what's this?" he took the book off of the shelf and flipped through it. He smiled. "Perfect."

Team 7 was waiting, as usual, for their chronically late sensei. Really, by now they should know better than to show up anywhere on time when Kakashi was concerned. The man would be late to his own funeral (1).

"I swear if he isn't here in the next thirty seconds I'm going to kill him." Inner-Sakura ranted. Naruto and Sasuke, unable to hear her continued to glare at everything in general. Kakashi finally made an appearance.

"Yo!"

"YOU'RE LATE!" screamed Naruto and Sakura.

"Sorry, I was looking up new training for you and it took longer than I expected."

"LIAR!"

"Ah, but this time it isn't a lie." Eye-smiled Kakashi, taking out the manual. "Follow me, for your first training exercise we're going to need a tranquil environment."

What is Kakashi up to? We'll find out next time. What kind of training is in that manual? Most likely it involves lots of mental (and physical) scarring. Will there be references to other anime in this story? Of course. Is the author completely out of her mind? No but she's getting there. Keep your pants on! The Shinobi's Guide to Training is comin' at ya, dattebayo!

(1) Technically you are supposed to be late to your own funeral. After all, being buried alive is scary.