I'm not sure anyone will guess which series this training exercise comes from so I'll tell you at the end of the fic. And no skipping ahead to the end to find out! The ceiling cat is watching joo!
Another silly blurb: If I sleep with you will you go away?
The Shinobi's Guide to Training
Part Two: Purity of Mind
By Kaori
Training Ground 67 is a beautiful clearing bordered on one side by a waterfall feeding a river of clear water teeming with fish and by flowering shrubs, trees and bushes on the other three sides. It was here that Kakashi brought his team for their first session of new training.
"First things first, take off your clothes…"
"SUKEBE!" screamed the genins and threw kunai at him. Kakashi wisely jumped into a tree.
"Let's try this again. Go into those bushes on the right and take off your clothes. You'll find something more suitable for you to wear back there. When you're done getting changed I'll explain the exercise."
Half expecting to find lingerie and other suggestive clothing they were relieved (and maybe a little disappointed) to find simple, gray training gi waiting innocently on top of a rock. Once they'd changed clothes, they returned to find Kakashi standing in the middle of the clearing wearing a white gi and holding a gigantic paper fan.
"Now that we're all here I'll explain. This training has several benefits: first it teaches you how to clear your mind of all unnecessary thoughts, especially the more perverse ones."
"You and Naruto are the only ones who have perverse thoughts…" mumbled Sakura. "not like Sasuke-kun." Immediately her mind drifted into a Sasuke-filled ecchi fantasy. Hypocrite in lemon sauce anyone?
"Secondly, this exercise will teach you discipline." Kakashi continued. "A ninja is one who is able to endure what others cannot (1). You will sit on the rocks in front of the waterfall and meditate, and you must stay in that position until lunchtime. Any questions?" Naruto raised his hand.
"Um, sensei, what's with the fan?" Kakashi's response was an eye-smile.
The three took their places facing the roaring waterfall, took a deep breath, closed their eyes, and began.
We'll start with Sasuke because he's sitting closest to the Fourth Wall.
"My mind is clear, my thoughts are clear. Clear the mind and the way becomes clear. My mind is my own. I am in control. I am (must kill Itachi) master of my own (must kill Itachi) thoughts. I…must kill Itachi, must kill Itachi, must kill Itachi…and Neji now that I think about it. Damn Hyuuga…"
SMACK!
"Ow!" yelped Sasuke and he fell forward into the cold water. Kakshi watched as the raven-haired boy came up spluttering for air. "What was that for?"
"You were having murderous thoughts." Kakashi said simply. "When your mind starts to turn towards unproductive trains of thought I will derail them by smacking you with this fan here. Now, back up on your rock Sasuke."
"Ha! Suck on that, teme!" Thought Naruto.
SMACK!
"Waagh!" SPLASH!
"Schadenfreude (2) is bad for your soul Naruto." chided Kakashi.
Twenty minutes later…
SMACK!
"Aah!" SPLASH!
"Sakura, stop having impure thoughts about Sasuke."
Fifteen minutes later.
SMACK! SPLASH!
"Naruto stop thinking about ramen."
"How did you know!" protested the blonde.
"You were chanting the different ramen flavors under your breath and drooling."
Forty minutes later…
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH!
"You three can plot revenge on your own time."
For a few hours it seemed as if the trio had managed to quiet the storm in their minds and meditate. Until…
SMACK! SMACK! SPLASH! SPLASH!
"No sleeping Naruto, Sasuke."
Around 10:45 all three genins finally got the hang of the exercise so Kakashi decided it was time to up the ante a bit…
Naruto concentrated on thinking of a clear sky and fluffy clouds. "Now I see why Shikamaru likes to look at clouds all day, it's actually kind of relaxing." He thought. "And I can't hear the damn fox anymore so he's either asleep or given up trying to make Kakashi-sensei hit me."
"Naaaaarutooooooo…" a gentle voice called.
"Eh?" he looked around the scenic landscape he had created in his mind and saw nothing.
"Naaaaarutoooooo…." Again the voice like a whisper on the wind.
"I'm hearing things. Hmmm…maybe I've reached that Shen (3) stage or whatever it's called and some guy with long ears (4) is going to show up and hand over the enlightenment (5)." A light approached him, small at first but getting bigger until…
"Naaaarutooooo…" it revealed itself to be a naked Sakura.
Out in the real world, Naruto fell into the water in shock (and titillation) saving Kakashi the trouble of hitting him.
"Tsk, I expected the creator of Oiroke no Jutsu to be more resilient to such things." Chided Kakashi.
"I hate you so much right now…" gurgled Naruto from the water.
Let's check on Sakura now…
The pink-haired one was picturing a meadow full of flowers and was counting them.
"Forty-seven thousand, three hundred and ninety-two, forty-seven thousand, three hundred and ninety-three…"
"Oh Sasuke, we shouldn't do this, what if somebody sees us."
Sakura stopped counting. Was that Ino's voice she just heard?
"And what of it? I want the whole world to see how much I love you."
And that was Sasuke's voice. What the hell was going on? As if answering her unuttered question, her mind focused on the scene of Sasuke and Ino on a blanket and Sasuke was playing snuzzlebunnies (6).
Sakura suddenly jumped up from her rock and roared "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!" SMACK! "YEEEK!" SPLASH!
"Goodness Sakura, what were you thinking about?" Kakashi said, idly waving the paper fan.
"You…you used a genjutsu on me!" she wailed.
"How observant of you."
"That's cheating!"
"Is it? The enemy isn't going to care so why should I? We're ninjas, it's only cheating when non-shinobi do it."
Sasuke wasn't doing much better than his teammates. He had finally managed not to think of killing Itachi (or Neji) and then this happened…
"Sasuke-kun, please pass the salt." Orochimaru said from his place at the table. This wouldn't be nearly as disturbing if he wasn't wearing a frilly, pink apron dress. Worse still, Kabuto (wearing a pair of baggy pants and a blue t-shirt) was sitting next to him as if this was all perfectly normal, reading the newspaper. Sasuke looked at himself and noticed he was wearing a pair of green shorts and a white t-shirt. Too stunned to do anything else, he did as he was asked and handed the salt to Orochimaru.
"Mom, dad, I'm home!" a voice Sasuke really didn't want to hear called from the door.
"Itachi-kun, you're just in time for dinner. Kabuto-kun, put the newspaper away."
"Yes'm." said Kabuto.
Itachi walked in dressed in a pair of jeans and a white, button-up shirt and sat down next to Sasuke. Now he was starting to freak out.
"What the fuck?"
"Sasuke! Language!" chided Orochimaru. "Did you have fun, Itachi-kun?"
"Yes. I didn't think the movie would be that interesting but I actually enjoyed it." Said Itachi. "Kabuto, pass the corn."
"Get it yourself." Snapped Kabuto.
"Are you still mad about the frog I put in your bed?"
"Shut up!"
"Now boys, be nice." Orochimaru said. "And Itachi I told you not to put things in your brothers' beds. Really, you're too old to be doing things like that."
"What the hell! You're not our mom!" yelled Sasuke. "And Kabuto's not even related to us!" he waved a hand negligently towards Itachi.
"Sasuke, I'm not going to tell you again, watch your mouth."
"The hell I will!"
"Hey, don't cuss at mom!" glared Kabuto.
"You can shut up too!"
"Sasuke," Orochimaru said gravely. "did something happen today? You know you can always talk to me." Sasuke wasn't sure when the man in drag had started hugging him, but he was sure he didn't want to be in this position.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGH!" SMACK! SPLASH! Sasuke jumped up and looked around like a hunted rabbit. "What! Where! Where are they?"
"Hmm…I may have gone too far again." Hummed Kakashi.
"You bastard…" You could cut the killing intent with a knife. Fortunately for Kakashi, the alarm went off signaling that it was time for lunch.
"Well, our time is up. Training resumes tomorrow." And before his students could throttle him, Kakashi disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Today's training was taken from the Martian Successor Nadesico anime and the No Need for Tenchi manga. I changed the stick used to a paper fan in this chapter because I like the idea of the gigantic paper fan.
1) Flame of Recca quote.
2) Schadenfreude is the term for taking pleasure in other people's misfortune (like laughing your head off when someone trips and falls down the stairs). Most people have this guilty pleasure.
3) Naruto means Zen. I'm doing a throwback on the "Catra" pun from the series.
4) Buddha. Most of the pictures and statues I've seen of Buddha depict him with long ears. I'm not a Buddhist so I don't really know if that's right or not.
5) Strangely enough, some people really think you can be given enlightenment like you can be given a sweater.
6) He's basically rubbing his face in Ino's chest.
Notes to the Faithful:-
To Clark Cradic (who I seem to direct a lot of A/Ns to…): I'm not familiar with that series. I'll check it out after I'm through with Desert Punk.
To –Bista- : Patience…patience. All will be revealed in time… like a good strip-tease.
To The Violent Tomboy: "Should" nothing. Ranma ½ is the main reason behind this story. Naturally there are going to be references to it. No Jusenkyo I'm afraid. Ryoga might make an appearance though…
To llshadowmakerll: To be honest, I have no idea. I write these things on the spur of the moment (although I am leaning towards including Gai and his team in this).
To those just joining us: Welcome! Where have you been the last five stories?