Ha Ha! The site's farked!11eleventy
A/N: I didn't intend to include movie and TV references but I can't seem to stop myself.
The Shinobi's Guide to Training
Part Four: Snakes in a Bag
By Kaori
Because of Gai's blundering it was decided that, to prevent any further incidents like that one from happening again, the other rookie teams were to attend Kakashi's training sessions.
Kakashi wasn't too happy about this but he didn't have a choice. In a way he felt a little insulted…for Asuma and Kurenai. Apparently Tsunade thought they were as stupid as Gai (1). Oh well, on the upside, there were more cute genin to torture.
Speaking of the rookies, they were standing on Team 7's bridge (2) with Gai, Kurenai and Asuma. Gai was there even though his team was still in the hospital. When asked about it he said he was not going to miss this opportunity to observe these new training methods. Kakashi showed up three hours late pushing a wheelbarrow. In the wheelbarrow were several burlap sacks. Hinata and Shikamaru weren't sure but they could've sworn the sacks had moved.
"Yo!" waved Kakashi.
"You're late!" screamed Naruto, Sakura, Ino and Kiba.
"Sorry but this dog dragged me to a burning barn and I had to save the children trapped inside. (3)"
"LIAR!"
"Well, let's get started shall we." Kakashi turned around and took one of the sacks out of the wheelbarrow. "Naruto come here." Warily, the blonde regarded his sensei before doing what he was asked. Kakashi knelt down and opened the sack. "Get in."
"Huh?" blinked Naruto.
"Get in." repeated Kakashi. Shaking his head, he prepared to put one of his legs in the sack but stopped after he got a look at what was in it. He blinked once, twice, three times and then screamed.
"SNAKES!" Everyone else's eyes bugged out. Naruto made to run but Kakashi grabbed him by the back of his jacket. "I'm not getting in that! You're crazy!"
"Stop squirming, they won't bite you." Kakashi stuffed him feet first into the sack, then tied it so only his head was sticking out. Naruto started jumping up and down.
"LEMME OUT!"
"I said the snakes won't bite you. Well, they won't if you keep calm. This is supposed to teach you how to keep you mind clear in adverse situations. Repeat after me, the snakes do not exist."
"LEMME OUT!"
"The snakes do not exist."
"LEMME OUT!"
At this point, the other teams, Sasuke, and Sakura had decided to make themselves scarce. After all, nobody wants to be put into a bag full of snakes (especially not Sasuke. The mental pictures alone were giving him problems). Unfortunately for all of them, Gai was all fired up about the training and, between him and Kakashi, managed to round them all up and shove them into sacks.
"Gai…Kakashi…"growled Kurenai. "When I get out of this sack you are dead!"
"None of these are poisonous, right?" Asuma asked worriedly he and Kurenai had been placed in the same sack.
"No. Well, except for the one in Shikamaru's sack…" mused Kakashi.
"AAGH!" screamed Shikamaru.
"Why is there a poisonous snake in Shikamaru's sack?" Asuma demanded.
"He's a chuunin." Was the bland reply. "Now, hold still I'm going to hang the sacks from the bridge. Would you mind giving me a hand, Gai?"
Fortunately for everyone except Gai and Kakashi, Iruka happened to walk by as they were lowering Hinata (who had passed out a long time ago from fear) over the side of the bridge.
"How could you?" glared Iruka, as he let his former students out of the sacks. Sakura, Ino, Hinata, Kiba, and Sasuke had passed out from fright, Naruto, Shino, and Chouji just sat there and stared off into space (although this was not too unusual for Shino since it was hard to tell what he was looking at on a normal day), Kurenai was tending to the traumatized students, Gai had run away the second Iruka started yelling, and Asuma had taken Shikamaru to the hospital to get treated for poison. "What were you trying to do?" By way of answer, Kakashi opened the training manual and passed it to him.
It was opened to page two-hundred and forty in the section on focusing techniques. The idea was this: you placed the naked trainee into a sack full of cold snakes (since snakes are cold blooded, the cold would make them sluggish) and tie the opening around their neck. The snakes would immediately huddle towards their warm bodies, but will not bite unless the trainee squirms around. The trainee must remain utterly still and in deep meditation. This will increase their ability to focus during a crisis situation.
"I suppose I should be thankful they still have their clothes on." Mumbled Iruka, still angry. "But why were Kurenai and Asuma in sacks too?"
"Ah, well, they'd gotten in the way when Gai and I were rounding the students up." Kakashi said. "And Kurenai threatened to kill us so we thought it best to let them stay in the sack." He leered at the blackmail implications of that one statement.
"And the poisonous snake in Shikamaru's?"
"He's a chuunin. Don't you remember what you went through during your first year as a chuunin?"
"Don't remind me ever bring that up again. This isn't about me anyway. I should have you cited for child abuse." Snapped Iruka. "Does the Hokage know what you're doing?"
"Yes." That wasn't exactly a lie. Tsunade knew he was conducting training but she didn't know what that training actually entailed.
"And she's allowing this?" the Academy teacher was horrified.
"They're ninjas Iruka. I am merely preparing them for the perils they will encounter while traveling the road of life."
"You're a terrible liar, Kakashi."
Today's training exercise is from Master with the Cracked Fingers, one of my favorite kung fu movies. This is Jackie Chan's first movie where he was in the lead role. Simon Yuen, the Drunken Master himself, is in it too; that guy is awesome.
1) FYI I don't really think Gai is stupid. He's just a bit overenthusiastic and I find his relationship with Lee almost as disturbing as Orochimaru's obsession with Sasuke. I don't know about the rest of you, but it seems to me that making a suicide pact with your student is way passed messed up.
2) I can't think of it any other way. It's their bridge dammit!
3) Lassie reference.