Disclaimer TEEN TITANS and all other related characters and material are the property of DC comics and Cartoon Network, I claim no ownership.

Chapter 17: To Love is to Suffer

By: Ansa

"I don't wanna lose you, but I lost you!

I Can't Remember your face

Never gonna let go, never gonna back down

No One can take your place

Why did you leave? where did you go?

I don't know, why did you just go away

And Leave me here with all this pain and animosity?"

-Twiztid

Everyone had said their goodbyes, the night had left them, yet there was one thing left for Dick…Starfire. The girl with hair red like hellfire had been on his mind all night, and every night for the past few weeks. Ever since he had heard that she had been found, and that soon he would be in the same room as she once again. The night had finally come…and gone. He now found himself in a rather empty state. His heart felt hollow and cold in his chest. His feet felt heavy as he climbed up the stairs to the roof, a locked unfeeling door the only thing between him and her. It seemed to taunt him, mock him in its silence. As if it knew it was keeping him from her, and took immense joy in keeping them separate. Dick pulled out a lock-pick kit from his belt and proceeded to put the door out of its joyous state, pushing it open and stepping out.

The roof of the small apartment building was no different from its inside. It was old, drafty, and dirty. The only thing that seemed to have been replaced recently was the mocking door, and even that looked at the very least a year old. Looking around everything looked blended together due to a monochromatic tone, a dark brown. Whether it was a rusty dark brown, or a combination of dirt, dust, and tar everything looked quite the same, making it hard to grasp a sense of depth and distance. Everything was dull and lacking of any kind of character or presence…except for her. As soon as he had stepped on the roof he was called to her presence. The burst of color screamed out to him to take notice as she sat on the edge, looking down at the traffic below.

"How did I know I would find you here?"

Starfire didn't answer; she didn't even acknowledge his presence with even a jump or shudder. She knew he was coming, so it came to little surprise to her when he suddenly appeared behind her.

"So…would it be a stupid question if I asked how you've been?"

"Yes…as well as rude."

"Yeah..." Dick scratched the back of his head awkwardly before sitting down on the ledge next to her. She was so frigid it gave him frostbite, but at least she allowed him to sit with her. "Listen Star, I know…"

"Tell me something…was it worth it?"

"What?"

"Your normal life, was it worth abandoning your friends for?" Starfire's nervousness and depression had now evolved into a sour bitterness. Slowly she had brooded over it the entire night as the memories flooded back to her, the entire experience…her heart splitting in two…forced to be relived all over again. The pain was so searing, and having to do it all over again…was unbearable. The question itself had caught Dick off guard. He was prepared for a broken sorrowful woman, not a bitterly scorned one. Although, he probably should have expected it.

"…" His mouth opened but only the beginning of a sound had come out, what word he was trying to say exactly not even he was sure of. He racked his brain for comprehensible sentence, not an answer. The answer he knew, if he didn't want to explain things fully to her he could answer it with a simple "no," but she deserved more than that.

"Well?"

"Starfire…when I left, I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted. I thought I wanted a normal life. You know, a good education, a decent job, my own place, that kind of stuff." Dick faced forward, looking down at the streets as he spoke. Back in the days he spent with the Titans, he was trying to find himself, the falling out with the Bat leaving so many questions about himself. Who was he exactly? What did he want in life? When he came of age, something new was now available to him, college.

"College was a way to help me figure out some of the questions I had about myself. It was something new, something that, I thought, could help me find what I wanted out of life. What I thought I wanted was to be normal…" Dick laughed at himself, shaking his head with such shame in himself. Thinking himself to be such a fool for thinking so. "Sometime around the second semester I realized I couldn't have a normal life, no matter how much I wanted. I guess college did help me figure out my life. Once I started missing classes and failing exams due to a mask and costume, it all became so clear."

Not even his social life could be saved. During college he and Barbra, aka Batgirl, dated for a short while. Nothing came of it of course, if there was anything there to begin with. They went out to movies, attended parties, and ate dinner together in the cafeteria sure…but everything else that made a relationship was quite absent. He had gained absolutely nothing from college, except the reaffirmation that he would forever be a mask and costume. He knew the answer long before Starfire had ever posed it, before she was found, before Beast Boy and Raven were engaged, even before his first full year was over.

"So, as you can guess the answer would be no. It wasn't worth it at all. If I could do things over again, I wouldn't have wasted the time…nor would I have broken your heart." Starfire cringed slightly, such a clichéd response, as if something out of a sitcom. Of course, she still wasn't sure what either "clichéd" or "sitcom" meant, but what she was sure of was that his answer didn't satisfy her.

"Why did you not try and contact me then? If you were sure it was a mistake, why wait until now to tell me?"

"I couldn't, I tried. After I left I-…"

"You did not try."

"What? Of course I did."

"IF YOU TRIED YOU WOULD HAVE FOUND ME!...they did." Starfire's face cringed with anger, tears streaming down her face as her voice echoed through the city skyline. When she found out that Beast Boy and Raven had been looking forward, she was quite hurt. Despite her excitement and joy that she would soon be with two of her friends again…she had rather hoped he would be the one to be looking for her, as well as to be the one to find her.

Dick eased back a bit, the tone in her voice not at all like her. It surprised her, and only made him feel worse about what he had done. He had taken away her smile, he had taken away her laugh, and he replaced them with heartache and sorrow. Everything that she once was, everything that he had loved about her, was now gone. Instead, she sat next to him, cold, angry, and empty. He had stolen her soul…and all he could think of was what a monster he was.

"You're right…I tried to find you, but apparently not hard enough. Maybe, I didn't want to find you. Because I knew what I had done to you." Dick hung his head in shame, this time not looking at anything in particular, his eyes staring blankly in the night without focus. Has he been paying any attention to his eyes he would notice that whatever he was looking out as gravely out of focus. "…I know you can't ever forgive me for what I did, and I'm not asking for that."

"What are you asking for? I've already given you my heart once, and you broke it. I have nothing left to give you."

"What about a second chance?"

"What?" Starfire's head shot back at him, her eyes still filled with the bitterness that had consumed her, but along with them was an even more empowering flicker of surprise…or was it happiness? This is what she had worried over all along, whether or not he even cared for her anymore. It was quite obvious to her, as well as everyone else, that she indeed was still in love with him.

"I…I want to try again. I know I don't deserve it but…"

"That's right…you don't." If it was happiness in her eyes it quickly faded. How arrogant of him, she thought. Almost four years he dumped her without so much as a decent farewell, and now he thinks he can just waltz back into open arms? No…not again. Starfire stood up from her place on the edge and stormed off across the roof. She now knew what to do with him. She now knew what to say. She now knew that she would no longer pain over him…nor would she care for him so.

"Star…Star wait!" Dick shot up and bolted after her. He might have started things off too quickly. He needed to ease back into things, he knew that. He knew that, but he just couldn't do it. He wanted to see her smile again; he wanted a real smile, not what he had seen earlier tonight put on for them. He wanted her back, and he was not leaving until that happened.

He caught up with her a few feet short of the door, to its disappointment, and grabbed her arm. Maybe it was the way in which he grabbed her, maybe it was a spur of the moment sort of thing, or maybe he just deserved it. Whatever the reason, all he could do was watch in shock as the girl whom had shown him so much love, turned and sent a flat palm against his face. The pain immediately loosened the grip on her arm, although the pain wasn't so much physical, as it was emotional. He couldn't believe it…she actually hit him. He really had done it…he had stolen her soul and everything she was, when he broke her heart.

"Do not touch me!"

"…S-Star…"

"You do not know just how much I loved you. You didn't even let me tell you!" She turned to face him, leaving would only be letting him off easy. Tears were flowing as if they would never stop, her eyes red. "You wouldn't even let me tell you…why? Why couldn't you?"

"I…"

"Was it because you were afraid?"

"No, I…"

"Was it because you didn't love me?"

"No!"

"Then why?"

"Because I knew if you said it…" He paused, knowing that what he was about to say could go either way with her. To him, it sounded quite selfish, and he was worried that she would hit him again. That was something that he didn't know if he could handle.

"Well?"

"If you said it…I knew I wouldn't be able to leave."

Dick watched as all of her anger melted away, along with whatever restraint she had on her sobs. It had hit her hard, harder than he thought it might. All this time, she could only wonder what was going on in his head that night. Now that she knew…her heart broke again. He didn't want to leave her all along…never. He never wanted to break her heart; he never wanted to do any of that. And yet…he chose to. It didn't matter, the circumstances, what mattered was that he had the choice…and he chose to break her heart.

"I'm sorry…"

Starfire fell to her knees, closing her eyes slowly tears squeezing out the corners. She was done…this was it. She couldn't take anymore. She didn't want to fight, she didn't want to cry, she didn't want to hear another word of it. She was broken, in heart and soul. All she could do now was hug herself and weep. She wept simply out of impulse, because it is what her body told her to do. Otherwise, she found no emotion left in her to reason it. Her anger had vanished, pushed out by her sadness. Her sadness was fleeting, burning away with her soul, and leaving her empty inside. She knew not why she still wept.

"Just…go…"

Dick hesitated for a moment, but never did he think of leaving. He couldn't, not like this. Slowly he knelt down next to her and gently wrapped his arms around her.

"No…don't…"

Her pleas went unanswered as he pulled her closer to him, letting her cry in his arms. A few hours ago, her heart would have filled with warmth and great joy to be in his embrace once again. Now, however, she felt nothing. In his arms Dick felt nothing but a cold weeping girl that used to be the one who shared a love with him. Only she didn't hold him back, she gave no sign that she was comforted at all by his touch. It was just the same as hugging the air, no warmth, no depth, no feeling. He hugged her tighter to him, more for his own benefit than for hers. He felt right then that he had truly lost her, and any hope of having her back.

"You feeling better?" An hour had passed; the moon above them shone a brilliant white that paled even the brightest stars in the sky. Below this sat Dick and Starfire, still on the roof, and still no closer to any kind of solution than they were an hour ago. Starfire still remained in his arms, only now she had calmed herself, the tears finally ceased their flow and her sobs retreated as well as the words that had hurt her so much. She still didn't feel quite herself, but at least now she could feel emotions again.

"Yes…you may let go now."

"What if I can't?" He wasn't being cute, he was in fact quite serious. He loved having her in his arms, having her so close to him, even if he didn't feel the warmth from her heart, even if she didn't return his embrace. Holding on to her so was just as a source of comfort to himself as it was to her. He didn't want to let her go, he couldn't.

"Dick…please, I need to go to bed. I have to work at the library again."

"But…what about us?"

"What about us?" She wasn't cold when she said this, prying herself from his grip. She said it, instead, so matter-of-fact that it only sounded as such. Tonight had given her neither a reason nor a desire to continue the discussion, or the relationship.

"We can talk, work this out."

"We've already talked Dick…and it didn't work out." Slowly she stood, facing away from him and brushing dirt off of her pants that had transferred from the filthy roof.

"Star…"

"I'm sorry, I really am." Her voice was so monotone it scared him. She didn't sound like herself, she sounded so very serious. Perhaps that's what scared him the most, that she just might be serious. His heart skipped a beat, this couldn't be it. It can't end like this. There had to be a happy ending somewhere.

"But Star…I love-…"

"Don't say it…" Starfire turned and looked at him dead in the eye. There were not tears in her eyes, but he still saw a glint of that sadness that produced them. She was so very sad that it had to end this way. She wanted things to be the way they were, she wanted to be able to be with him again…but she just couldn't. There was no mending this broken heart, the love she once had for him had gone.

"Why not? Are you afraid that if I do, you won't be able to leave?"

"No…"

"Then why?"

"Because…I can't say it back."

Love that last line exchange ahem Yes I know how ebil I am…I lead you all the way here and they don't get back together. Well, that's just how life is people. Sometimes there is no happy ending. And if there is, you have to work hard at it. It takes time and effort to fix a relationship…who knows. Maybe they will work things out later…just not now. OH! I noticed that the URL on my gift art didn't make it in, I'm trying to find a way to get it in. For some reason the system doesn't accept urls. Later Days!

ANSA