Yes, Kitsune Kit, you have to keep your pants on. If you take them off Orochimaru will show up and do unspeakable things to your rear end involving markers, butter, and a horny rhinoceros.

Irsool where are you when I need inspiration? My goodness, you're almost as deranged as me…

lia-lia even I don't know where this is going.

Does anybody know where I can get that picture of chibi Kakashi yelling "No pants!" in front of Iruka and Team 7?

The Shinobi's Guide to Training
Part Six:
By Kaori

Ino, Sakura, and Shino were sitting at a table looking very much maligned; especially Shino. Each one was wearing a tight, iron corset over their clothes and looked positively ridiculous. Sitting directly across from them were Naruto, Sasuke, Kiba, and Chouji who had not been forced to don the humiliating torture device for the female gender (1). Hinata was standing next to Kurenai.

"Okay, what the hell is this?" growled Ino. "And which one of you drugged me?"

"I did." Said Sasuke, mentally adding "and I'd do it again too only with something lethal." Bad Sasuke. Murder is not the answer.

Murder is the question. Yes is the answer.

"Why we are wearing these things?" Sakura's voice promised murder if she wasn't given a reasonable explanation. Predictably Kakashi wasn't going to provide one.

"You're wearing them because it's traditional. This is part of the ancient, secret art of Martial Arts Dining." Explained Kakashi.

"There is no such thing as Martial Arts Dining!" protested Ino and Sakura.

"Actually there is." Asuma corrected. "The Akimichi family practices a modified form of it (2)."

"Now, we've brought you here." Said Kakashi.

"After drugging all of you and making you skip both breakfast and lunch!" interrupted Gai,.

"….to recommence your training. Since these four," he motioned towards the four boys on the other side of the table. "have successfully completed their training, they will be helping with yours."

"So why don't they have to wear these idiotic things?" raged Ino.

"Like I said, they completed the training, although like you they weren't allowed to eat breakfast or lunch."

"It was horrible!" cried Chouji. "They even took away my chips!"

"We need you at your hungriest for this to work." Asuma said. "Be strong Chouji."

"Hai sensei…"

Kakashi then explained how the training would go. In simple terms it was a battle. A large dinner had been prepared and would be set out in front of them and they would have to serve themselves. However, while Shino and the girls try to eat, Sasuke, Naruto, Kiba, and Chouji would snatch it from them using Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken. They would have to find some way to either stop the boys from taking their food, or snatch food away from them. The explanation got mixed responses.

Ino and Sakura were outraged (naturally), Shino was frowning (which only seemed strange to everyone not on his team), Kiba was grinning, Naruto looked a bit uneasy, Sasuke didn't seem to care, and Chouji was excited.

Kurenai made a hand seal and five serving carts of food shimmered into existence.

"I thought I smelled food…" murmured Kiba as Hinata and Kurenai started setting out the dishes.

"Does anybody have anything they'd like to say before we get started?" asked Asuma.

"I just have one question," ventured Hinata. "w…what happens if they aren't f..fast enough?"

"Then they starve and we try this again tomorrow." Deadpanned Kakashi.

"WHAAAAAAAAT?" shrieked Sakura and Ino.

"And your parents have been instructed not to feed you until they get the okay from us. Also, we've taken the liberty of having the Hokage ban you from all restaurants and grocery stores until further notice." Gai gave them all the thumbs up. "Oh how I envy you! Such hardship is surely the epitome of youth! If only my wonderful students were here to partake in this! I weep for their misfortune!" Nobody felt like pointing out that it was his fault they were in there to begin with; especially since it would only set him off on another "Power of Youth" rant.

In the hospital, Neji, TenTen, and Lee sneezed.

"Gai-sensei must be talking about us!" grinned Lee.

"I hope not." Muttered Neji. "Especially since they're letting us out of the hospital in three days." TenTen shivered.

"He probably has some more of that so-called training waiting for us as soon as we get out."

"Yosh! Gai-sensei is so great he probably has devised a way to make the training ten times more effective!" Rock Lee was fired up. "He is so good to us!"

TenTen and Neji shared a look and then simultaneously through their bedpans at him.

Suddenly the door opened and in walked a black-haired, teenaged boy in a yellow shirt and matching bandanna, black pants, and carrying a large hiking pack and an umbrella on his back. He looked around the room wildly and then exclaimed, "Where the hell am I now!"(3) A nurse suddenly appeared behind him.

"Hey you! How did you get in here?" she demanded.

"Eep!" squeaked the boy and he dashed for the window and jumped out of it.

"Aren't we on the sixth floor?" asked TenTen. The nurse scrambled over to window and gawked as she saw the young man sprinting off towards the west gate. Looking straight down, she could see a decent sized crater in the pavement.

"Who was that guy?" wondered Neji.

While we're at the hospital, we might as well look in on Shikamaru…

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz….snort…sniff (rolls over)…ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz…"

Lazy sonofa….anyway, meanwhile back at the ranch…er training field things are getting pretty heated. At first, the girls didn't seem to take things seriously, but Naruto and the other boys weren't about to let themselves starve and it soon became apparent that they were going to have to fight if they didn't want to be subjected to this again tomorrow.

Kiba was targeting Shino, who would counterattack by stealing the food off of Kiba's plate while he was preoccupied; Naruto mostly stole from Ino but would occasionally go after Shino (and would usually end up with insects instead of food); Sasuke and Chouji stole food from everybody including Naruto and Kiba.

Out of the corset-clad genin, Sakura seemed to be doing the best with the exercise. She'd managed to fend off Naruto and Kiba successfully, and snatch food out of Sasuke's chopsticks a few times (and then try to feed him but Sasuke and Ino weren't having that (especially Ino) and would divert her chopsticks so she'd end up feeding Chouji or Naruto (neither boy minded in the slightest).

Ino was doing her utmost to get as much food as she could by stealing it from Sakura's plate as well as fending off her attackers. Unlike Sakura, whenever Sasuke stole food from her she'd try and get it back.

However, it didn't take too long for things to degenerate into a food fight, and let the record show that even though it was an accident, Shino started it (4).

Bowls of rice and handfuls of baked potatoes flew across the table at a breakneck pace. Amazingly, no one was getting dirty. Everything that was being thrown was caught and hurled right back via Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken or ending up in Chouji's mouth as he was deftly plucking food out of mid-air. As a consequence, it all came down to the last piece of food: a slice of chocolate cake.

They all stared each other down, waiting for someone to make a move. Fingers twitching, forks at the ready casting furtive glances at each other. Somebody would be having dessert today and everyone was thinking it would be then.

"AHOU! AHOU! (5)" a crow suddenly swooped down from the trees and snatched up the cake.

"NOOOOOOO!" screamed the genin (except Shino because Shino is cool like that). Chouji got up and started chasing the crow.

"NO ONE TAKES THE LAST BITE FROM ME!" he yelled. "STOP! THIEF!"

"Well that was anti-climatic, but good job everyone." Kakashi said. "You've mastered the technique quite well. Unfortunately I have some bad news. Sakura, Shino, Ino… I lost the key to unlock the corsets."

The killing intent was so thick you could cut it with a stick.

TenTen looked up from her magazine. "Do you guys here screaming?" she asked. Lee and Neji shook their heads.

Down the hall, Shikamru woke up and glared at the window. Why can't people be in pain more quietly?

Today's training is again from Ranma ½, although instead of learning Parle du Foie Gras like Ranma, the training is used to get them to use Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken. I guess we can call it Inverse Parle du Foie Gras since the purpose is to grab food to stuff into your own mouth. Anyway that does it for this chapter so for now I leave you with this:

Mom: (sitting in the TV Room after her foot surgery)

Me: (poke my head in and point at her feet) No more DDR for you for a while.

Mom: (laughs) Don't worry, I'll be back at it once the doctor gives the okay.

Me: Drat, now I have to buy an extra mat…

FYI: My mom's 57.

1) A corset is an incredibly torturous thing to wear especially if it was not custom made to fit you.

2) This is my own suspicion. I believe that instead of large mouths being passed down, their genes produce stomachs that expand to accommodate large quantities of food.

3) Hibiki Ryoga, The Eternally Lost Boy. My friends and I have a theory that Ryoga has the ability to cross dimensions. In fact I started to write a fanfiction about it but I got stuck when he ended up in Excel Saga.

4) Exactly how it got started is completely up to you, I have no intention of telling.

Damn but I love that crow!