Disclaimer TEEN TITANS and all other related characters and material are the property of DC comics and Cartoon Network, I claim no ownership.

Chapter 24: Shadow of Doubt

By: Ansa

The clock on the nightstand said three o'clock, but it felt later, or earlier…things like that always confused her. Either way, to Raven, it felt infinitely later at night, too late to even describe in the twenty four hours man had given itself. Her body was tired, but her mind was wide awake, racing through the infinite shadow of thought that had fallen over the course of the day. Since she saw the headstones the darkness started to form, the shadow being only quite small in size and thus not causing her too much trouble. The car ride home, as she supposed, is what made it grow, and slowly take over all other thought and function.

She looked again at the clock and begged it to say anything other than three o'clock. Unfortunately, the small black alarm clock could not oblige her, and the glowing red digital numbers read what they have always read since the first time she checked…three o'clock a.m. She cursed the infernal device under her breath and slowly lifted her head off the pillow, looking over her shoulder at her fiancé, still sleeping, curled up behind her. It was not unusual to see him in this fashion, even if they had started out in each others arms. For Raven had learned the hard way that Beast Boy tended to toss and turn furiously in his sleep.

Turning back she sat up, sliding her legs slowly from under the covers and stepped onto the floor. Her bare skin didn't feel chilly anymore, the warm summer nights already starting to creep in. Even going to bed in nothing but Beast Boy's dress shirts was starting to get too hot for her. This didn't really mean much as of two days ago, having spent the night sleeping nude once already, she knew it could be done again, and with the early predictions of the summer temperatures, she might just have to. Making her way to the bedroom door was easy enough, it was opening it quietly that proved a challenge. It seemed that no matter which way she turned or however gently she did so, the damn thing seemed hell-bent on making some kind of noise. Damn it…she needed to get out, she needed to go somewhere and think, but she not only had one person to worry about waking, but also Starfire sleeping on the foldout on the other side of the noisy doorknob.

Looking at the window she found her solution, but only reluctantly accepted such. She had only sparingly used her powers since the split, just another attempt at a normal life. If she wanted some time to think alone, it meant using her powers to get to the roof, which also meant the risk of someone seeing her. This, so much, she didn't exactly worry about. Beast Boy had said it himself; most people can put two and two together and realize the couple that had moved in next door wasn't exactly normal. Of course, before she even thought about flying out of any window…she needed to put some pants on.

The roof was just as dull and gritty as it had been that night Nightwing had lost the only person who might have ever loved him, but of course, Raven didn't know that and could only judge the roof by why she was used to seeing from the days of hero work. It was filthy, so much so she refused to let her feet down upon it, deciding to float her way over to the edge instead to sit. She didn't mind getting the pants she found dirty simply because the only pair she could find in the pitch blackness of the bedroom were cast carelessly over the edge of the laundry basket.

She sat down, finally able to think, the shadow in her mind still cast heavy upon her. It had finally hit her today, that she was about to share a life, that his life would be hers. That's not what bothered her, but rather the fact that her life would now be his. Not so much in the sense of possession, she had no worries about that. She knew her Beast Boy was not that kind of man, not at all. This was different; she realized that everything she was would now be open to him. All the things about her that were too horrible to share would no longer be only her burden to share, but he would also have to carry the terrible load.

She wondered why it had only hit her now; she had so long to realize this. The day he gave her the ring, the day they made up the invitations, or even earlier today when she found her wedding dress. But no, this, she only realized when her eyes set a gaze on the tombstones of her fiancé's parents. For it was there, that he opened up his most painful memory to her, it was there that their lives truly started to mold together into one.

Compared to hers his life was a Candy land, nothing worse behind it than already shown to her. With him, there was nothing to fear, for every dark secret, every fear about him, she already knew. She, on the other hand, was the daughter of a demon, and therefore half demon herself. There were so many skeletons in her closet it came so close to becoming a graveyard. There was so much she was afraid of, so much she did not wish to share, but knew would come out anyways. Very soon, she would begin a new life with him, a life filled with uncertainty, and for her, fear.

She hugged herself slightly, the shadow of doubt cast in her mind sending chills down her spine. A half demon, he was to wed, no matter how many times she tried it never sounded any better than that. How could he even think of doing so? How could he love her so, someone who destroyed the world once and had the power to do it again? How could he even want this life of hers to share? How?

These questions and so many others flooded her mind, swirling black streaks that collected together with the shadow, making it larger, and much colder and menacing. Out of all of these only one truly struck her with the kind of fear one only hears about, the kind of fear few know of that aren't already dead from it. The fear that weakens your knees, forcing you to fall to the ground and weep, this fear, struck her hard from only a single question…How could she let him marry her?

When the words passed their way through her mind the shaking and chills stopped suddenly, leaving her only with the tears in her eyes. This question scared her so only because she found herself torn for the first time in her life. Before she met him, the answer would be easy for her, and without regret. For before she met him, she did not think she could love so desperately. Now, she found herself sitting in the middle of two things, what she wanted so badly in her heart, and what she knew, or at least she thought so, was the best for him. She found herself caught between keeping the love of her life, and letting him go, as to save him from herself.

What dangers she held within herself she could only imagine, despite her tentative efforts. Her normal powers were no longer a concern, that, she could control. It was the power of her father, still running through her veins that brought so much uncertainty to the future that gave her this fear that gave her this dilemma. The unimaginable power left over from the last encounter with Trigon could do so just about anything, the problem was; she could not even begin to control it. To even attempt it would be not only stupid, but it could very well destroy everything in sight.

For now, she could keep her more primal emotions at bay, for only the most extreme of these could release her father's terrible power within her. Still, she feared them none-the-less, how could she not? She had seen the horrors unleashed upon the world by her father, and she did not wish to see it ever again. For a brief second she considered the idea that Beast Boy could make her stronger, be with her always and thus help her in a way escape this fear. Only for the briefest of seconds did she consider this, however before casting it aside as the foolish thoughts of a girl in love. Nothing in life ever worked out so simply…although sometimes she wished they did.

"The only foolish thought is that of giving up the only thing that has ever made you happy…"

Raven jumped slightly in her seated position on the edge of the roof, her head immediately turning round fast to try and catch a glimpse at whoever was with her. Yet, she saw nothing. The voice she had heard was soft and tender, not like anything she had heard before, but still, quite familiar. Standing…or rather, floating in a standing position so as not to touch the rooftop, Raven quietly moved to the far corners of the roof where shadow had cast doubt on what might be there. Nothing. She was about to think she was going out of her mind when she remembered that she had started meditating out of habit the moment she sat down. Quite silly of her to forget something so obvious, the voice she heard was most likely that of one of her emotions speaking through the wall she had build up oh so long ago. Raven cursed at herself and shook her head before sitting down. To be so easily spooked, and fooled by her own emotions, how far had she allowed herself slip?

"It is not so bad, why do you think it so?" Again the voice greeted her gently as she resumed her meditation, but this time, she answered back just as calmly.

"I need to make sure my emotions are in check, especially with my father's power. I don't…I don't want to hurt him, or anyone else."

"Yes, but letting yourself feel has also allowed you to love. Is that such a horrible thing?"

Raven fell silent, not wanting to answer whom she could only assume be herself. In her mind she had the answer, but even she didn't like it. She didn't like thinking that if only she hadn't loved, none of the more powerful emotions would be existant to her.

"Well?"

"…No."

"That's not what you're thinking though is it?"

"…No."

"Then tell me…did you know love before him?"

Again, Raven fell silent, shocked at where her mind was taking her. She knew it was only a voice in her head, but still, she wanted it to stop making so much sense, it didn't help much at all.

"I…thought I did."

"Another man?"

"…Yes."

"And before him, did you know love?"
Raven had to think for a moment, not quite sure what the voice meant, and no longer so sure it was that of her own emotions but perhaps someone…something else entirely.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Did you love…your mother?"

Raven spun her head around, looking at nothing in particular accept where she thought the voice was coming from. She was now sure that this was not her own voice in her head, for not any of her emotions would ever dare ask such a question.

"Alright…who is this? How are you in my head?" No answer came this time, instead, silence. "ANSWER ME!"

"It does not matter…"

"Yes it does! How dare you ask me such a question?"

"I am sorry."

"Who are you…answer me now." Again, no answer to which Raven stood again, quite upset, her face scrunched in a terrible scowl. "I can come in and find out you know…do you think I don't have the power to enter my own mind? If so you are far underestimating my power, which isn't a very good idea."

"I am quite aware of what you can do…and it is not necessary for you to enter."

"Then tell me!"

A cold silence fell over the rooftop as the breeze cooled down the hot air slightly, not by much, but just enough to be noticed. The voice in her head seemed to be thinking, not sure as to what was to be done. It was clear that who ever or whatever it was, they were hesitating, not wanting to reveal their identity for any reason. This could be taken in many ways, the most drastic of this being the voice had hostile intent, which of course had been contradicted by it's tender tone.

"Well?"

"I…I had rather thought, you would have recognized my voice by now. Even if I didn't want you to."
"What?"

"Raven…it's me…mother."

Raven scoffed, not at all buying whatever the voice was trying to feed her. Her mother had been dead for quite some time now, although it was true the spirits of Azerath had been known to contact the living this was not her home dimension.

"You do not believe me?"

"No actually, I don't."

"Why?"

"I don't need to explain myself, you however, do."

"I see…" The voice somehow seemed hurt, the soft tone trailing softly and quietly. "Will you not answer my question then?"

"No."

"Alright then…it seems I have failed you once again. I am sorry." The voice started trailing off, as if retreating to a faraway distance before being called back.

"Wait…" Raven turned again to the general direction it seemed the voice was coming from. Although she wasn't sure why, there was something about that last comment that made her wonder about her judgment. Something about…failing her again.

"Yes?"

"What was that…about failing me again?"

A short pause, and then something that sounded like a soft sigh as the voice returned.

"Upon your birthday…you came to me, asking for my help. I…could not give it to you. I failed you."

To this Raven's eyes widened, her body began to shake, her skin bubbled with goose bumps. Perhaps…perhaps this was her mother after all. She wasn't entirely sure yet, but still, the voice seemed to be getting more and more familiar to her. She hugged herself slightly, trying to gain control of her emotions. She couldn't be dragged in so easily, anyone who searched her mind could have known about such a meeting. She needed more…no matter how badly she wanted to believe.

"It is alright, I rather you not believe me. I just want you to listen to me." The voice seemed to move, appearing to settle just behind her, like a mother consoling a child. A distinct sensation fell over her, as if…as if being held from behind, but there was no one else but her upon the dingy roof…no one but her.

"Y-yes…"

"You must not be afraid Raven, do no doubt you own strength, or the strength of others. You have found something no one expected you to, that no one wanted you to. You have found happiness, and love. No matter what you father may be, no matter what blood runs through your veins, those will never be bad things. Hold on to what you have, and never let go. There is nothing wrong at all with being happy, and there is no reason to fear it. "

"I am not afraid of being happy…" Raven found herself quite surprised that she was actually listening, and even more surprised that she was seeking advice. "I'm afraid…I'm afraid of sharing my life with him. Knowing what I am…how could I?"

"Tell me…did he know of your past before he proposed?"

"Y-yes."

"What does that mean then?"

"I-I don't know."

"It means he knows…and he chose to be with you anyways. It means, it does not matter to him. It means that instead of fearing you, he loves you, and wants only to spend the rest of his life with you. Do you not feel the same?"

"Well of course I do."

"Then why are you afraid?"

"Well…" Raven stumbled, not finding any answer to give. Damn it all, the voice in her head, whether it be her mother or not, was exactly right. It was stupid of her to be afraid. If anything, being afraid would put her in more danger of releasing her powers than anything that might occur in their life together.

"Go, be happy. I believe you, more than anyone else, deserves to be." With that, Raven felt the sensation in her skin and the voice itself depart from her, once again, leaving her alone…but yet, not so. As long as she had her love, she would never be alone, it was her mother, who taught her such.

"T-thank you…Mother."

Damn, I know I'm late but the past few weeks have been…well, interesting to say the least. So much has happened, so much to do and too little time. Not to mention the fact that I had to rewrite this chappy three separate times due to the first (and most perfect draft) was lost at work…goddamn Macs. Anyways, Hope you like this chapter, and please note, that things will get slow soon, seeing as I have projects and papers, not to mention my new webcomic to deal with. But do not fear, I will update at least to the end of Part II. As to when Part III (the honeymoon and stuff) will start, who knows. It all depends on how things pan out with school and stuff. Later Days!

ANSA