Title: Cell Block Tango
Verse: X-Men movieverse
Timeline: Post X3
Author: KumaDaPuma
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and I am not making any money off of this. Cell Block Tango is a song from the Broadway hit Chicago featuring six murdering women. I had absolutely no part in it's creation nor am I benefiting from it's popularity. I'm just a gal who enjoys showtunes among many other genres.
Summary: A song fic centered around six women and their reasons/methods to murder.
Author's Note: This idea was brought to me by one of my fave reviewers: XChocolateChipX. I thank you very much for the suggestion and I hope I bring justice to this story. I am so honored that you would allow me the chance to write something based on your brilliant idea! Be forewarned all…some chapters will be funny, others dramatic…you just never know with me.
For those who don't know the song the original lyrics for the first part is:
pop
six
squish
uh uh
Cicero
Lipschitz
…but I changed the last line because I thought it would be more appropriate for this story. Here are the corrections:
pop
six
squish
uh uh
Cicero
Lehnsherr
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pop
six
squish
uh uh
Cicero
Lehnsherr
x
He had it coming
He had it coming
He took a flower
In its prime
And then he used it
And he abused it
It was a murder
But not a crime!
x
Archlight:
Mood:
Ludicrously Irritated
x
I am not a boy! Jeez, doesn't anyone see I've got a healthy A-cup chest! Jeez!
So anyway, I may not be the most, uh, desirable gal in the world, but I have a lot more to offer than some of the others. I won't mention names. XcoughX Rosanne Barr XcoughX
I'm the kinda gal that has to take whatever I can get. When it comes along sometimes I find it's easier to just take it while it's there rather than question it. Ya know?
One day the big guy approached me. Yeah, Juggernaut. He's a big guy. Not a real looker but like I said…take what I can get… He seemed genuine at first. He was all "Arc, lookin' good today, love" and "Hey Hot Mama". Yeah, all that crap. I can't believe I fell for that. What the hell was I thinking? I can't quit shaking my head in disbelief.
Anywho, one night after shooting back a few cheap gins I worked up the nerve to ask him to my room. He had already downed eight beers, four tequila shots, twelve gin and tonics and a bottle of J&B. He was pretty plastered. Kept stumbling into walls. On the way through the metallic lair he fell into the commons room. He staggered around then with a loud, thunderous roar he fell backwards. He landed with a deafening crash and broke the couch. A couch! Those things don't break easily but he managed to squish that thing like a bug. When he managed to get up the thing was flattened like a steamroller had run over it.
Oh, well. I think it was from Ikea. Easily replaced.
We finally made it to my room. We walked in, I turned to close the door, turned back to face him and the drunk was already naked except for his ridiculous steel helmet. I've never known anyone to pull off their clothes so quickly in all my life. Maybe that was apart of his mutation, but doubtful.
I also noticed the Harry Potter boxers lying on the ground amidst his strewn gear. Nice.
The first thing women notice about a man (though we always lie and say we don't care) is the size of what he's working with. The first thought that came to my mind was "whoop-de-do" and I don't mean in an enthusiastic tone. Perhaps it was his bulky frame that made his penis look so small. Or maybe it was really that small. Most likely the latter.
"C'mon, Love, and give us a kiss!" He said as he stumbled towards me, his eyes closed, his lips already puckered out into the air. Dammit, if I wasn't so frickin' hard up…
"Don't you want to take the helmet off?" He gave me an offended look.
"No! Not me helmet! It's whot makes me so damned irri-, eh, irresis-tit-able- uh, irre-, irri-, eh, irrisssss….."
"Irresistible?" I asked, my patience at him trying to figure it out on his own completely diminished.
"Yeeeeaaah…That's it." Though he still sounded unsure. I rolled my eyes.
"C'mon…" I took him by the hand and he took this as his cue to get all carnal with me. He practically tore my clothes off. Actually, he did tear them off. The tight rip of the nylons hurt like hell.
"Hey!" I shouted though he didn't pay attention. Or maybe he didn't hear me under that stupid helmet. I like to give him the benefit of the doubt. There were red welts were he had snapped my clothes off. Those certainly hurt later on. Didn't heal for like a week.
He easily lifted my naked body up and slammed me down on the bed. He jumped on top of me. His body hit mine forcibly and I felt the wind get knocked out of my lungs. The bed underneath us strained under his weight. It creaked sadly like it was in pain. You and me both cheap springboard mattress…
"You're gonna have to help me with this, Love." He said. I looked down and saw his dick in his hand. To my horror I realized he meant he had no idea where to put that. The virgin alarm went off in my head. I helped him out though I shot him a disdainful look. He didn't notice.
He thrusted erratically, sweat pouring down his body, the pillows were actually soaked in his sweat. Gross. I was practically swimming in it. Double gross.
Forty eight seconds later he was spent. I had barely felt a thing. Well, where it counts. Other than that my body was a mess of welts and burns. I felt on fire and I don't mean a symbolic erotic fire. Far from it.
With his last thrust and comical shrill moan the bed finally gave out and collapsed under the force. I felt my wind get knocked out of me a second time as his body thumped back onto mine. I had been squished again like a bug. Or a couch. Oh, the pain!
From on top of me I heard a whimper from him. Oh, god, was he crying? I didn't know what to do but then he immediately fell asleep while I was still under him, tears still sliding down his cheeks. His loud snores breaking loose right in my face. Mother fucker…It took all my strength but I managed to roll him over onto his back. It took longer for me to get him off than it took for him to get himself off (know what I mean?). Go figure.
I finally had a moment to reflect back on the evening.
Wow. That sucked.
Juggernaut's snores filled the room so I grabbed a non-sweat-soaked pillow and headed for the commons room to sleep on one of the still intact and surprisingly comfortable couches. Ikea is truly the bomb.
After that Juggernaut ignored me. Every time I passed him in the halls he pretended not to see me. I was so pissed off! I mean, really, what the hell?
In the refectory I would see him eating with several other mutants as dumb as him (he never hung out with the smart ones like Callisto or the cool ones like Pyro) and every time I came in I would see him glance in my direction then duck his head towards the rest of the guys and start whispering to them, his mouth upturned in a cocky grin. That bastard.
I think that night shot his confidence skyward because ever since then he had openly displayed his lust for Mystique. She, of course, was completely out of his league. No where near it in fact. Plus everyone knew she only wanted Magneto but he was too busy planning world domination to notice. Still, he would stare longingly at her blue body. The looks on her face was of pure annoyance. Every time I caught him looking at her that way I wanted to shove that metal helmet up his ass. More than once I wished I had Magneto's power so that I could make that dream reality. I could tell Mystique did too.
But there was a point when I decided I would no longer put up with his crap. All this silent treatment and pretending not to notice me and then talking about me behind my back finally made me snap when the last straw was added. Juggernaut did something completely unforgiving. He called me a boy.
It was on a cloudy morning on the island. There were about seventy mutants that lived in the lair and most of us were outside practicing our Tai Chi. Mystique is very strict about all of us getting our daily meditation. She says it's very good for clearing the mind. After that day I'm quite skeptical. While I was moving my body with the slow mechanisms of the art, I heard a few snickers come from behind me. I looked and saw Juggernaut quietly trying to stifle his laughter along with some of the other idiots of the group. When they all saw that I was glancing in their general direction they quickly assumed back into their Tai Chi positions though their mouths were pursed in tight grins.
"You've got something to say, Jugs?" I asked still performing the slow movements. He looked at me but then glanced away and found it too difficult from then on to hide his smile.
"Me and the blokes here noting you're the only chick with a rack that ain't got no spice." The two guys beside him (both level two mutants) bent over double with laughter. Juggernaut had a stupid grin that seemed to congratulate himself for what he considered such a clever offense. I immediately stopped my meditations and faced him with a glare that would freeze up Pyro's flames.
"Well I was just noting how you're the only guy here with a head that has no brain!" Yeah, I realize it was a lame comeback but I couldn't think anything else up at the time. Still, it was enough to wipe that smile off his dumb face.
"Wha'd you say to me!" He asked rather menacingly. He was loud enough that everyone else stopped their practices and turned to stare at our entertaining drama unfolding before them.
"You heard me." Was all I said before turning back to my meditation. I didn't want to argue with him. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. But then he muttered something to his friends that completely pissed me off.
"I'd call her a bitch if she were a girl." I turned around quickly enough to startle him.
"What the fuck are you implying!" I demanded. He recovered from surprise and growled in disdain at my behavior. Everyone was now circled around us in excited anticipation. A fight was brewing. I strode up to him and poked a finger in his huge chest. "Buddy, you're the one that wanted me so badly, you queer!" My choice of words stabbed his pride painfully. I could see the anger in his narrowed eyes beneath that stupid helmet.
"What the hell, you bitch!"
"So I'm a bitch after all, eh?" I was already formulating a plan in my head. I knew exactly how to rid the world of this numbskull…and make it look like an accident. Lucky for me Magneto was in his office and Mystique had gone somewhere to talk with Callisto. No one could stop me. No one could save him now. I hopped around him as he tried to grab me with his thick arms. "I didn't realize gays were slow!" I said taunting him, making sure I had my back to the monstrous cliffs a mere hundred feet away. He roared in anger as he swiped his arm around again. I ducked effortlessly. Good thing this guy doesn't have a beef about fighting girls. Then again, he doesn't really consider me one and for that he has to die. I positioned myself a few yards from him before throwing out another taunt.
"What's the matter, fag? You all queered out?" He bellowed out a battle cry before ducking his head into his chest and charging at me like a rhino. I ran away from him, making sure he was following me as I headed towards the cliff. One thing I had underestimated about him was his speed. He was surprisingly quick so I took off as fast as my thin legs could carry me. He had almost caught up to me when I shot to the side and rolled out of his path. I don't think he even knew I had done that, his head was tucked so low. I had the pleasure of straightening up right as I saw his massive frame run right off the cliff. I was close enough that I only had to run a short distance before I was at the edge of the cliff.
I could hear a thunderous yell as he plummeted towards the water below. I ran up just in time to see him splash into the ocean below. If he didn't drown from the weight of his helmet, and if he didn't die because of the crashing of the tides, then surely the large boulders near the edge of the cliff squished him as I clapped an electric shock causing them to fall after Juggernaut. Perhaps it was that little act that struck suspicion in the hearts of the Brotherhood members. Could it be? Hmmmm….
Anyway, when Mystique and Magneto had finally come to inquire about the "accident" I could tell my leader did not believe a word I said. I know this because he told me so. In fact, this is what he said, verbatim:
"Archlight, Mystique told me to take pity on you but your lies are what failed you here today. As it is I cannot abide a member of the Brotherhood to kill another brother nor can I afford to have a member I cannot trust with the truth. You leave me no choice." What does Mystique see in him? He's so stuffy…
Anyway, Magneto went to the cliff to mentally search for any source of metal below. He finally pulled up a body from the depths of the waters, the metal of the helmet manipulated so that it conformed to the body. It looked like Magneto had foil wrapped the man. I tried to hold back a snicker but for some reason I found the metal wrapped mummy quite silly. Mystique just gave me an odd look. I think Magneto was ignoring me. When he settled the body onto the ground he pulled the metal off and we all came to inspect him. Now, I'm no forensics expert but I'm quite sure the pebbles imbedded into the large indented region of his stomach can only imply one thing. The boulder totally nailed him. Bullseye!
Magneto looked at me with disapproval. When I showed no remorse he rolled his eyes and then shook his head while he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Mystique took this moment to high five me while he wasn't looking. At least someone approves.
Like salt to the wounds, Magneto fashioned a part of the late Juggernauts helmet into a set of handcuffs that wrapped themselves around my wrists. Later Toad took me into the helicopter and dropped me off at the local jail. They locked me up for murder. Not for Juggernaut. Of course not. What would they care? No, I had a warrant out for my arrest for killing a man once. What can I say? He called me a boy.
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Author's note: Hardly any part of this story was my idea. The premise was Chip's idea and a lot of the content was AngelofSnow's. The Harry Potter boxers, the virgin idea, the crying after sex and the ending was all AngelofSnow's suggestions. All really great suggestions too. Thanks Angel! You're so damned clever! Without you this story wouldn't have been near as funny.
Btw, all the crude comments regarding those of the gay public are purely for characterization purposes and in no way reflect my own personal opinions. I have nothing against gay people. Why else would I love Ian McKellen so much?
Frankie – Lol, thnx! Three more stories to go!
The 42 – Happy to help you during your post vacation withdraws! You got one out of three guesses right but the Jean one is very tricky! I can't imagine anyone could really guess who she kills. As for Mystique, well, she's in the last chapter. Btw, how's your Pyro fic coming along? I'm anxious to read it!
AngelofSnow - Thos fight scenes keep getting harder and harder to write. But you would know about that as you've written a few of your own. Thanx for being my beta! You're awesome!