The next day, everybody piled their suitcases into the back of the car, and we drove out to San Francisco International Airport. I sighed as I looked around; it just seemed like yesterday that I was in this very place, waiting for Irodia to pick me up. I instinctively tied back my hair and put on a pair of dark sunglasses as we were waiting in the line to get through the security checks; didn't want some stranger suddenly calling out my real name in front of the whole damn airport.
Once we got through the security checks, we hopped on the underground train to take us to the concourse where our plane was. Mikhaila and I didn't even glance at each other as we stood there, waiting to come to our stop. I did hear her mumble a comment about my sunglasses, however.
"Look at 'er, hiding like she's some kind of celebrity," she mumbled under her breath.
You have no idea how close to the truth you are, I thought, pretending I hadn't heard her. Irodia gave her and me a sidewards glance, then gave Mikhaila a warning look. Tyler didn't even hear; he was too busy watching our luggage to make sure nobody would come and try to steal it.
Once we got off the train, we sifted our way through the crowds until we got to our gate, then when it was announced over the intercom that our plane was boarding, we got in line and eventually made our way aboard. I winced several times as I got crushed by the mob of people trying to find their seats; I'd forgotten how cramped coach was compared to first-class, but I didn't care – I never really liked having special treatment anyway. After we found our seats, Tyler and Irodia sat down, and Mikhaila and I sat down in the row behind them, Mikhaila insisting that she have the window seat. I shrugged and let her have it, and after I sat down, I reached into my bag and pulled out my CD player. I sifted through several of the CDs I had before finally choosing one, the debut CD by the rising star, Shavon McAllister. But before I had the chance to put it in the CD player, I heard an announcement over the intercom.
"We will be taking off shortly. Please leave all electrical appliances turned off for the first ten minutes of the flight. Thank you for choosing Delta Airlines."
Yeah, yeah, I thought sarcastically as I kept the player on my lap and leaned back in my seat, closing my eyes. A few minutes later, I could feel the plane backing up and turning, then it starting to move forward with increasing speed, and before I knew it, it was already off the ground.
Once the "Seat Belts Fastened" sign above me turned off, meaning it was safe to move around the plane, I put on my headphones and turned on the CD player, then immediately went to track number three, entitled Never Satisfied. A slow drumbeat greeted me, followed after a few seconds by an electric guitar, playing just as slowly. The sound reminded me of one of those popular bands from the 20th century. What were they called? Def Leppard? Yeah, I think that was it. Shavon's music reminded me of them. I closed my eyes as her voice filled my ears.
I'm sitting here playing my guitar,
and I'm trying to come up with a happy tune.
But if in my heart, I ain't happy – I'm just a damn lonely girl –
then instead of happy, I'm gonna be hearing melancholy.
The melancholy tune plays out in my heart…
In my head, the memory playback starts…
Yellin' and shoutin', and being called a whore,
but look at me now – I've walked out the door.
Chorus
'Cause I'm – never satisfied!
No no, you can't get this woman down.
'Cause I'm – never satisfied!
No no, you ain't runnin' me out of town.
'Cause I'm – down, but I ain't out,
and I'm tired o' being kicked around, so – watch out…
Picking at the guitar strings
with fingertips, callused and torn,
I'm a-hopin' to be moving on – but I'm such a damn hurtin' girl –
and I don't know if I can right now.
The memory playback starts again in my head…
Curled up and crying in my bed…
I can't stand this life, and I've got the scars to prove it,
but I'm not gonna sit here and have my life turned to shit!
'Cause I'm – never satisfied!
Yeah yeah, I'm getting outta here!
'Cause I'm – never satisfied!
Hell yeah, no way you're keeping me here!
'Cause I'm – bruised, but I'm strong too,
so outta my way, I'm gonna be headin' off…
Backpack slung over my shoulder, and one foot out the door,
I'm not taking the time to say "See ya," 'cause I need not say more,
so don't try to stop me, petty threats aren't gonna keep me.
If you think I'm just playing, then why don't you just watch me!
Yeah, watch me…
Repeat chorus
The first time I'd heard this song, I was stunned – it was just like my life story, and although it was supposed to be a story about an abusive spouse, it sure seemed to speak to me. This Shavon girl was going to be big, I was sure of it. I listened to the song several more times, half-singing, half-mumbling the words to myself, before finally deciding to listen to the rest of the CD. It made the flight to Minnesota seem pretty short, but hell, with this CD, we could've flown around the world and I wouldn't have noticed!
-----
After the plane landed at Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport, it didn't take long to find out which crowd of people was there waiting for us in particular. The moment we got into the main area after we got off the plane, there were yells of, "Tyler! Irodia! Is that really you? Oh my, Mikhaila is getting so big!"
"Great to see you, Will," Tyler exclaimed as he and the man I assumed was Will gave each other a bear hug.
"Did you get a haircut?" a blonde woman shrieked. "I hardly recognize you!"
"I had it cut back in February," Irodia laughed, running a hand through her hair. "Didn't I send you those pictures from the Fourth of July party?"
"Yes, but I'd just assumed you had your hair tied back."
Irodia turned to me. "Rocío, this is Bethany, Will's husband," she said, gesturing to the woman in front of me.
"Hello," I said, holding my hand out. Bethany took it and shook it gladly.
"So nice to meet you," she said. "Are you a friend of the family's?"
"Something like that. I'm staying with them for the time being."
"Well, that's wonderful. Any friend of Irodia and Tyler is a friend of ours."
"Where are Ivan and Cindy, by the way?" Irodia asked. "Are they back at the cabin?"
"Yes, their grandfather is playing card games with them. It's probably for the best that they stayed, anyway. I didn't want to drag them out for another long car ride. They get so cranky."
"How old are they now?"
"Ivan is four, and Cindy is three."
"Goodness, it won't be long before they start begging to borrow the car keys," Irodia joked.
Bethany just laughed. "Before I know it, they will!"
I looked around for Mikhaila, who had just been behind me a minute ago. When I looked towards the seating area, there she was, with her carry-on bag sitting on her lap. "This happens every year?" I inquired.
"Yeah. It's just like Leave it to Beaver," she groaned.
"What's that?"
"It's an ancient show that was popular last century. It's about the perfect family in a perfect world where everyone gets along and nothing bad ever happens." She snorted and rested her head on her hand. "I dunno about you, but I'd go nuts in a world like that."
"Not quite your idea of utopia, huh?"
"If it was utopia, I wouldn't be going nuts," she deadpanned.
"Oh, just throw Genom into the mix and they'll know what hell is like," I joked, managing a grin. Irodia threw me a cautious look, but I ignored her.
"Got any good music in there?" Mikhaila asked, nodding towards my CD player.
"I have a few CDs, but I've mostly just been listening to Shavon McAllister."
"Oh, I've heard about her. Hope she's not another goddamn bubblegum-pop singer."
"No, her music's not like that. If you like rock, you'll probably like her."
"Could I borrow that thing on the way over to the cabin? I don't wanna listen to Mom and Bethany jabbering the whole way."
"Be my guest. Just make sure I get it back," I warned her, reluctantly handing her the CD player and my CD carrying case.
"I ain't going anywhere with it 'cept where you're going, too," she said flatly.
"All righty, let's all head out!" Will called to the rest of us. "Need to try to beat the coming storm!"
"The last time you said that, we got stranded for five hours," Irodia groaned as we all headed to the baggage pickup area, Mikhaila and I lingering behind.
"Now, now, Irodia, that was a fluke. I normally have great timing when it comes to this stuff," he protested lightheartedly.
"Yes, he knows this area like the back of his hand," Bethany said, then got a goofy smile as she paused. "But you can't know it very well if you're blind as a bat."
"Bethany!"
Irodia snickered and Tyler grinned, while Mikhaila and I just stayed silent. After the long plane ride we'd just been on, and the long car ride to come, we were both just worn out. Once we grabbed our luggage and made our way through the airport to the parking garage, Will and Bethany led us to a beige-colored minivan. They opened up the back and tossed in the luggage, then opened up the side door and let me and Mikhaila sit in the back row of seats. Irodia and Bethany sat in the middle section, while Will and Tyler sat up front, with Will at the wheel. After closing the doors, Will started up the van, and we were off.
Just like Mikhaila predicted, Will and Tyler started talking to each other about the past year, and the NFL playoffs, while Irodia and Bethany were jabbering on about their kids and their home lives. I looked over to the teen redhead next to me, and saw that she already had the headphones on and was nodding her head to the music. I sighed and settled into my seat and closed my eyes, letting the drone of the numerous voices in the van lull me to sleep. This was dull…almost as dull as Xania made her foster family seem when she told me what happened over Thanksgiving break. If this is as dull as her Thanksgiving break was, then I may as well just hitchhike back to Sacramento, I thought.
-----
"Hey. Rocío. We're here."
My eyes fluttered open when I heard a gentle voice, followed by a hand shaking my shoulder. In front of me was Irodia, leaning towards me. "Huh…?" I said, sleepily rubbing one eye. "Where is everybody?"
"Everyone's already piled out. Gee, I guess you were really tuckered out, huh?"
I unbuckled my seat belt and grabbed my bag. "Yeah."
"Oh, here," she suddenly said, handing me my CD player. "Mikhaila said she was done borrowing it."
"Ok," I replied, taking it from her and putting it in my bag.
After Irodia ushered me out of the van, she shut the door and led me up the walkway to a large log cabin. I blinked and looked again, making sure I wasn't just seeing things; I had thought that log cabins were obsolete nowadays, but apparently I was wrong. I looked around the area at the surrounding scenery; there were snow-covered pines, marks in the snow where kids had made snow angels, and there was even a snowman, complete with a carrot nose.
"The snow's deep here!" I remarked, daring to step into it; it came up to just above my knees.
"Oh, this is nothing," Irodia said, laughing. "After a really nasty storm, it will be up to your shoulders! We're just lucky that Will had the pathway shoveled right now. Normally he never has time to get it clear before another storm comes down."
"Why's winter so nasty here?" I asked. "Even in Sweden, it's not this bad."
"It's the Great Lakes. They create their own weather pattern in this area. Snow from a storm last week will barely have had time to melt before another one comes and dumps more snow on top."
"Sounds pretty bad," I agreed. My leg took that moment to start aching, and I bent down to rub it.
"Are you ok?" she asked.
"Yeah. My leg just doesn't like bad weather. It starts aching whenever it rains or snows."
"You might be kind of miserable, then…" she reluctantly said. "I'm sorry."
"Nothing to be sorry about. It's not like I can avoid bad weather all the time, 'cause I can't. Have you seen Tokyo in winter? It's REALLY damp there in wintertime!"
"Yes, I know what winter is like there. I used to live there, after all," she pointed out, a gentle smile forming on her lips. "I don't know about you, but I think it's freezing out here! Shall we go inside?"
I nodded quickly, shivering. "Yeah, sounds great." We both climbed up the front steps to the door, then after opening it, she and I both ran inside, making sure to shut it behind us. After taking off our coats and boots, Irodia led me to the dining room, where everyone was sitting down and having dinner. Thanksgiving had passed, but the dinner certainly looked like a Thanksgiving dinner! There was a huge turkey in the middle of the table, and around it were bowls of corn, mashed potatoes, yams, biscuits, and lots of other things. I could feel my mouth start to water, and on cue, my stomach growled.
"Please, sit down!" Bethany urged me gently, leading me to an empty chair next to Mikhaila. "Help yourself to whatever you want!"
"…Uh, thanks," I stammered. I looked around for the carving knife, then took it and cut myself a piece of white meat from the turkey, then helped myself to some of the mashed potatoes, corn, and stuffing. I sat there, quietly eating my food while noise of talk filled the air around me. Everyone looked so happy to be seeing each other; they all had smiles on their faces, and not one of the kids were whining or crying.
Well, except Mikhaila.
"You look how I feel," she mumbled, shoving a piece of turkey into her mouth.
"This isn't my family. I don't think I should be here," I said.
"I don't know them much better than you do. This is the only time of year I ever see 'em. I'd rather just stay home where it's quiet and you don't have to worry about little brats jumping on your bed at 7 AM screaming, 'Wake up, wake up, it's Christmas morning!'"
"You have a point."
"Please behave," Irodia interrupted, looking at Mikhaila. "I don't want you sulking around and hiding out like you did last year. Ok?"
"Ok," Mikhaila mumbled, looking like she didn't mean it.
"So who is everybody here?" I inquired, looking around at the mass of people sitting around the table. "I've met Will and Bethany, but that's it."
Mikhaila pointed to my left and started pointing at people and naming them. "The two really old people are Mary and Dick. They're Dad's grandparents. The two not-as-old people next to 'em are my grandma and grandpa, or, if you wanna call 'em by name, they're better known as Wesley and Desiree. Straight across from us are Will and Bethany and their kids, Cindy and Ivan. And finally, between them and Dad is Helga and Ray and their daughter." She let out a snort. "Her name is Whitney. I recommend avoiding her. She's a total control freak."
"How old is she? She doesn't look any older than us."
"She's sixteen, but passes herself off as twenty-two. She likes older guys and likes to think she's queen of the world. Last Christmas, she told me she was pregnant, but I dunno if she was telling the truth, or if she was just saying that to try to get my sympathy." Mikhaila looked over at Whitney and got a nonchalant look on her face. "Though apparently if she WAS, then she either miscarried or had an abortion. I don't care either way. She deserves whatever she gets, the bitch." She shoved a forkful of corn into her mouth, then gulped down her glass of milk.
"She's worse than Xania," I said dryly.
"Ha! She makes Xania look like the freakin' Virgin Mary! Xania knows to use protection – when she wants to – and makes sure she doesn't get pregnant, but Whitney? No way. She claims she's allergic to latex, and says she can't swallow pills, and some other shit, I forget."
I took a sip from my glass and set it down. "Sounds like she's just lazy to me." I looked over at the black-haired girl named Whitney. She looked at me for a moment, glanced me over, smirked, then returned to her dinner.
"I hope Bethany doesn't have me sleep in the same room as her again," Mikhaila groaned. "Last year, Whitney and I shared the same room, and she made it a point to make my stay a living hell."
I was about to answer when I heard a loud knock at the door. Bethany managed to hear it over the noise of everyone's talking, and quietly excused herself to go answer the door.
"Irodia didn't say there'd be anyone else," I said to myself aloud.
"Hmph, I bet Uncle Will decided to invite a friend," Mikhaila grumbled.
I pushed my chair away from the table and leaned back, watching Bethany answer the door. She was blocking the view of the person behind the door, but I could barely hear the two making small talk. Then, Bethany turned her head and called to Irodia, who then smiled to herself and walked to the door. I heard some more talk, then Irodia and Bethany led the guest back to the table.
My jaw dropped when I saw the new guest…
…Aunt Nene?
"Everyone, we have another guest with us for the holidays!" Bethany exclaimed.
"This is my cousin," Irodia said, gesturing to Nene. "This is Nene Romanova."
"Nice to meet all of you," Nene greeted in accented English, bowing.
"Hi, hi there," everyone said, not quite in unison.
"Rocío, you haven't greeted our guest," Irodia teased, leading Nene over to me.
I was speechless. I wasn't expecting to see Nene at all! I suppose I should have felt overjoyed, but…I didn't. I was more shocked than anything else. All I could do was shake my head.
"H…hi," I stuttered.
"This is Rocío, Nene," Irodia said. "She is staying with us."
"That's a pretty name," Nene said, smiling at me. "I like it."
You would, I thought dryly. You're the one who came up with it. "T-thanks," I managed to say. What was she doing here?
"You look like you've seen a ghost," Mikhaila remarked, her mouth full of turkey.
"They just look so much alike," I lied. "You two look like sisters."
"That's what a lot of people say," Nene laughed.
"Here, Nene," Bethany said, pulling up an extra chair. She set it between Mikhaila's place and Irodia's place. "You can sit here. And let me go get an extra plate."
"No, you don't need to do that. I just ate on the plane."
"Well, sit down anyway!" she said cheerfully. "Catch up! Get to know everyone!"
"Okay, I will," Nene said, playing along as she sat down, flashing me a quick smile. Bethany was quick to serve her up a small plate of food, and it wasn't long before she and Irodia were chatting like, well, sisters. All I could do was shove my plate away; I'd lost my appetite all of a sudden. In her first vidletter to me, Nene had mentioned the possibility of coming to the States for Christmas, but I hadn't really taken her seriously. Secretly, I had wanted to see her again, badly, but now that she was really here in the flesh, I just didn't know what to do! And I didn't even know why! I'd wanted her here, and now she was, but…somehow, my brain refused to work; it was just as boggled as I was by the whole situation.
I'd been preparing myself for a long-term stay in the States, perhaps never to see Mom or the others again, so why on earth did Nene decide to show herself? Did she enjoy trying to torture me like this? We'd said goodbye at the airport, me preparing myself for it to be the final goodbye, but apparently it wasn't. Just when I thought it would've been, here she came, out of nowhere, just to play with my mind, trick it into thinking that it wasn't the final one, after all.
I hated mind games.
"Rocío," Nene suddenly said, bursting into my clouded thoughts, "tell me, how has Irodia's family been treating you?"
"What?" I stammered, confused. I snapped up my head and looked at her; I still could hardly believe she was really here. Was this just a crazy dream?
"I asked how Irodia's family has been treating you."
"Oh, they've…they've been great. Just wonderful. Why do you ask, Miss Romanova?" I inquired, the latter two words feeling weird on my tongue.
"Please, just call me Nene. Don't need to be formal around me. I was just curious because it must be hard, being away from your family."
I stood up, biting my tongue to keep from lashing out at her. I could swear she WAS trying to torture me by asking these stupid questions! "Well," I said slowly, managing to keep my temper in check somehow, "I miss my mom, but not the bastard who was beating my face in for all that time. She's the only reason I'd like to go home, but the only way I'll be going home is if everything but her is gone when I get there."
Nene nodded slowly in understanding, casting her eyes down nervously. "I can only imagine."
"I need to go get some air…excuse me," I said flatly, walking out of the dining room. I strided out to the front room, and after yanking my coat on, I went outside, went down the front steps, and headed down the pathway towards the driveway, stopping when something caught my eye. I turned my head and saw the snowman I'd seen earlier stare back at me, a smile formed with small rocks pasted to its face.
"Yeah, keep smiling. Everyone just says to keep smiling," I growled, grabbing a fistful of snow and hurling it at the snowman. The snowball hit it in the hat, making the hat fall to the snow. "Yes, smiling will make you feel better inside, Irodia says." I hurled another snowball at the snowman, this time hitting it in the arm. The arm stayed intact, however. "What a crock of shit that is."
I finally gave up throwing snowballs and just fell back onto the blanket of snow, staring up at the black sky, snowflakes swirling all around me, the cold wind biting at my exposed face. I bit my lip and closed my eyes, trying to get the wheels in my brain turning lest the bitter cold freeze them up. What WAS Nene doing here? She wasn't supposed to be here. Didn't the Knight Sabers need her in case of an emergency? And besides, wouldn't Genom find out about one of Yumeko Asagiri's friends suddenly going to the States? Surely they'd think there must be something going on besides a Christmas celebration; as far as I knew, she had never come over here to celebrate Christmas with Irodia and her family.
Family…all my family was on the other side of the Pacific, and they didn't even celebrate Christmas. Neither did I, but actually being around people who celebrated it made me really depressed somehow. Maybe it was just because of family getting together from all around the country when they otherwise probably would never see each other at all. I wished I could have that luxury, but I didn't. It wasn't fair, to deny me what everyone else looked like they had! I wanted to go home, curl up under the blankets in my own bed, my own apartment, go to the local café with Linna and Mom for some hot chocolate on a cold winter's day like this one.
Hmph, hot chocolate…just the thought of it made me both nostalgic and sick to my stomach. Hadn't Mom and I been at a café sipping hot chocolate on the afternoon when Michiko's body was found? I didn't know if I could ever be able to touch that stuff again. Knowing that the drink was warm while my friend's body was cold…the thought was revolting. How DARE I enjoy such a nice drink while Micchan was laying there in a dumpster, just waiting to be found.
"Hey! What're you doing?"
At the sound of that female voice, I opened my eyes. Above me stood two redheads, both bundled up in heavy coats, staring down at me, curious and concerned. "It's freezing out here. You can't stay out here too long when it's like this," Irodia said matter-of-factly.
"Just leave me alone," I said.
"Yumeko…did I say something?" Nene asked, looking guilty, yet not quite knowing what to feel guilty about.
I bolted up out of the snow and got in her face. "What're you doing here?" I demanded. "You shouldn't even be here!"
"I came to visit you. Irodia invited me to come, and plus, Priss wanted me to come too, just to see how you're doing," she replied.
"What if Genom finds out about this, huh! Then we're ALL screwed!"
"I checked with Sylia first. She said it wouldn't be a major risk for me to come over here. And besides, I'm only here for a week. It's not that long." She sighed. "I want to be able to spend as much time with you as I can before I have to go."
"What, you want to help me with something?" I inquired with a cynical tone. "Is that it? Because I don't need help with a damn thing. I'm doing fine." I kicked at the snow with my foot.
Irodia shook her head and looked at Nene. "She was a wreck when she first came here, but I guess she's been doing better now. Although…she does seem a bit distant."
"Because I don't know you!" I snapped. "I didn't know you and hadn't even heard of you until four months ago! I got dropped into a place where I don't know anybody, and I've basically had to start from scratch! How else would you expect me to act? I'm not going to tell my life story to a bunch of strangers!"
Irodia looked hurt and taken aback, but before she could say anything, Nene jumped in. "Yumeko, I know you're angry," she said, putting her hands on my shoulders. "I know you are. Maybe it's because Priss wanted you to stay out of the spotlight for a while, and maybe it's because I'm here intruding on your new life, but…but we all care about you, ok? We'd only want the best for you. Do you hear me?"
"Mom sent me away!" I yelled. "She sent me away! And just when I was starting to get used to how things work around here, YOU show up! Why don't you just go home and go back to your fancy life in Tokyo, huh? Go back there while I sit here and…and…and go crazy because I can't spend time with my own family!"
"Priss didn't send you away," Nene tried to assure me. "It's not like she sent you off to a boot camp or anything. She just wants you to lay low for a while, to have a normal life for once, to…to be able to cool off and regain your sanity."
I almost laughed out loud at her last remark. "My sanity. Ha! The only one who should be giving a shit about my sanity is me."
"Don't you get it? Priss is worried about you! She's worried that you're cutting yourself off from your emotions to try to deal with what you've been through. Yumeko, that's not dealing with it at all! That's just repressing it! It's going to come back sooner or later, so why don't you just TALK about it?"
"Because I don't want to!" I took a breath as the three of us just looked at each other, wondering what to say next. "It's…it's nobody's business. It's impossible. Nobody here knows the real me except Irodia. You wanted me to lay low, well, I'm laying low. I'm laying REAL low. Hell, I probably should've been put six feet under months ago just so nobody would be having to deal with me right now. That's what everybody wants, isn't it?"
"No," Nene said, shaking her head as she started to get tears in her eyes. "The people who love you are very glad that you're still with us. And you know we're willing to put our lives on the line to make sure you keep living on."
"AM I still with you?" I asked dryly. "Certainly not physically. But in spirit I am, just like I would be if I were dead." I shook my head and started to head back to the cabin. "Just go home, Nene. You don't belong here. The Sabers need you more than I do."
"Just shut up and LISTEN for once!" Nene snapped, grabbing me by the shoulders and forcing me to look at her. Then she suddenly got quiet and blinked a few times to keep her tears from breaking loose. "Listen, I…Yumeko…we all love you. Priss loves you, and Linna and Sylia love you, and I love you too. We hate you being here just as much as you hate being here, and we're trying our best to make sure that when you come home, nobody's ever gonna be hiding behind a corner waiting for the right moment to strike. But we're putting the plan together, and it's going to take time. We don't even know if the plan is going to work, but we have our fingers crossed. You just have to roll with the punches until we have the situation worked out."
"The 'situation,' you call it? That's a plain way to put it. And what IS this 'plan,' anyway? You referred to it in your first letter, but you haven't elaborated on it at all. Want to elaborate now?" I asked.
Nene let out a chuckle and looked down for a moment, then looked at me again. "It might change as we go along with it. We may decide to change tactics if the way the plan is going isn't working out. I don't want to get your hopes up. That's why I haven't told you about it."
"So what is it?"
She let out a sigh and thought for a moment, trying to find the words. "Well…to put it bluntly, part of the plan is trying to find dirt on Madigan."
"Dirt? I'm sure any dirt has been swept underneath the rug pretty well," I pointed out. Nene just grinned.
"Yeah, I know, but remember, I'm a master hacker. Nothing can get past me," she said, chuckling evilly. "And Sylia has connections. I'm sure we'll find something."
"And if you don't?"
"Madigan has been working for Quincy for at least twenty years. I don't think there's a soul in Genom who hasn't committed at least twelve heinous acts," she quipped.
"HEY!" Will yelled from the door. "Why don't you three ladies come inside before you catch pneumonia?"
"We're coming!" Irodia yelled back. "Nene, Yumeko, we probably should go inside before anybody gets suspicious."
"You're right," Nene agreed.
All of us headed up the walkway towards the cabin, practically running now, as the wind had picked up and the snow was starting to fall a bit more heavily than it had been just a few minutes earlier. Before we reached the door, Nene turned to me and said in a low voice, "I can't tell you any more. I'm sorry."
"I just hope you find as much dirt as you can on her. I don't want to go through the same crap that I did when Quincy was running Genom."
"Actually, Sylia was saying that Madigan running Genom is just a formality."
"A formality? What does that mean?"
"He's letting her take a shot at us. He'll take over again once he decides that she's had enough fun."
"And when'll that be?"
"I really don't know. I wish I did…for your sake and ours."
-----
Nene and I didn't get much time to be alone together; with a dozen other people in the house, it was damn near impossible to be alone at all, and the sleeping situation was the least of it. There were several people to a room -- Mikhaila, Whitney, and me shared a room; Tyler, Irodia, and Nene had another; Will, Bethany, and their two kids had another; and each of the other couples had their own room. It was a fairly large cabin, so one would think that you could try to hide out for a while and no one would miss you, but in this family, it was like they watched one another like hawks; if someone was missing, everyone knew immediately, and would try to track down that person. Nene and I technically weren't part of this family, but from the way they acted, they didn't give a rat's ass about that; we were guests in their house and their Christmas celebration, and we were treated as such.
The two toddlers, Cindy and Ivan, were thrilled to have a few more playmates with them, and so whenever I tried to sit down, one of them would come over to me and beg for me to play a game with them, or to help build another snowman. "Are you making a snowman village or something?" I joked when Cindy asked me to do just that on Christmas Eve.
"The snowmen need wives," she pouted. "And babies."
"Isn't Ivan helping you?"
She shook her head. "He throws snow at me."
"That's not very nice. Well, let's go ask him to help us, ok?" I said, standing up.
"Ok!"
I took Cindy by the hand and led her outside and down the steps, and over by some trees was Ivan, Bethany, and Will building something out of snow. Certainly didn't look like a snowman. "What're you building?" I called over to them.
"A snow fort!" Will called back.
"Snowmen! Snowmen!" Cindy cried. "I wanna make snowmen! No snow house!"
"Maybe they're building a house for the snowmen to live in," I suggested, bending down to look at her. "I bet they'd like it if you went over there to help them. Maybe you could make a snow bed and a snow pillow for one of the snowmen."
Cindy's eyes lit up. "You gonna make one too?"
"Me? Um…" I scratched the side of my head. "Gee, you don't need my help. Snow's easy to work with."
"Help, please, help!" she begged, tugging at my hands as she led me down the path that the others had made in the snow. I reluctantly followed along, and once we'd reached Bethany and Will, Cindy ran and hugged them.
"Nice of you to join us," Bethany said. "Rocío, do you want to help us build the wall?"
"Sure. How high is it gonna be?"
"As high as we can," Will said. "Ivan's inside making an arsenal of snowballs."
"Oh really?"
"Nooo," Cindy whined, flailing her legs as Bethany picked her up. "No snowballs! Ivan throws them at me!"
"Don't worry, I'll make sure he doesn't," Bethany assured her as I gathered an armful of snow and packed it onto the wall. "How about you make a snowman while we work on the fort?"
"Rothee's gonna help me," the girl said, pointing at me; she couldn't say my name quite right, but then again, she was only three.
"I'll help her," Nene said from behind me. I turned and looked at her, and she just smiled. "I'll help her, Rocío, and you help them with the fort."
"Um, ok," I said slowly.
"Go on, go on," she urged, pushing me face-first into the snow with a shove when I didn't move. "You look like you've never played with snow in your life!"
I just laughed and stood up, dusting the snow off of my pants. "Yeah, right! Ok!"
I was about to turn and gather up an armful of snow when I felt something pelt me in the back of the head. I spun around, and there was little Ivan, laughing as he threw another one at me and retreated into the fort. "Hey, I'm gonna get you for that!" I teased as I ran into the fort after him, but was immediately greeted with a snowball to the face. I managed to duck the next one, and then noticed a whole pile of them behind him. "Yup, that looks like an arsenal to me," I remarked.
"They're mine!" he exclaimed, throwing another one at me, which I playfully blocked. "Don't touch!"
"No, I think I'll just help myself," I replied, diving towards them. Ivan threw another one at me, but once I had a few of my own, it was an all-out war! We both ran around in the fort, throwing them at one another, Ivan being the one who was getting beaten up, but for a kid, he had a pretty good arm; some of the ones he threw at me actually hurt. Finally, I tackled him, and while I held him down on the ground, grabbed some snow and rubbed it in his face. He just giggled and flailed his legs, trying to get up.
"No fair, no fair!" he laughed.
"You were the one who started it!" I joked, then yelped when I felt someone shove a fistful of snow down the back of my pants. I jumped up and yelped some more, and when I turned around, there was Nene.
"No picking on little kids," she said, wagging her finger at me with a twinkle in her eye.
"Says you," I said, laughing as I threw a snowball at her. After a moment, it had gone from me versus Ivan to me versus Nene. Ivan sat in the corner of the fort and laughed as we both pelted each other with more snowballs and wrestled on the wet ground. I pinned her down and threw a snowball in her face, then got up and went to the corner for more, but Nene came running, and actually tackled me. It was a bit more forceful than she intended it to be though, for once she tackled me, we both went tumbling into the wall, and the whole wall came crashing down on top of us, burying us both in snow.
"Oof," I managed to say once I had my head clear, after Bethany and Will started digging us out. "Now I know what it's like to be buried in an avalanche."
"I think an avalanche involves thousands of times more snow though," Nene joked, freeing her arms.
"Yeah, but still…"
"You two are so childish!" Bethany joked, helping me up while Will helped Nene up.
"Well, Rocío IS a child," Nene pointed out.
"Two hours of work, reduced to rubble," Will said, pretending to be melodramatic.
"House went down!" Cindy cheered. "No more house!"
"How about we all go inside now and warm up? You two look like something the cat dragged in," Bethany said, looking at Nene and me. We both looked at each other and just laughed; our hats had come off during the snowball fight, and now our hair was all wet and stringy.
"And have some hot cocoa," Nene chimed in, picking up Cindy in her arms as everybody headed back to the cabin. I followed behind, shivering but happy. What a thrill that little snowball fight had been, what a release. This was the happiest I'd been in a long time, but whether it was the fact that the cold made me feel so alive or that Nene was here, I didn't know. I pulled my hat back on and tucked my wet hair behind my ears as I looked at Nene, who was talking with Cindy. It was strange seeing her here…and yet I was happy to see her too, and at the same time, I knew that in a couple days, she'd have to leave again. Better enjoy it while I can, I thought. This moment isn't gonna come up again. I guess I should make the most of it.
-----
That afternoon, everyone started to help with preparing the big dinner. I'd thought that it'd be on Christmas Day instead of Christmas Eve, but Irodia informed me that they usually had a big dinner on both days. I just rolled my eyes and went along with it when everyone started asking me for help. First I helped Mary prepare the mix for the pumpkin bread. Actually, I didn't even really help her; I did all the work while she told me what to do.
"Don't stir too hard, dearie. Don't want any air bubbles getting into the mix," she reminded me, adjusting her glasses.
"Well, I need to get all of the powder moistened up," I said.
"Here, just let me do it," she grumbled, snatching the bowl from me with amazing force; I wouldn't have expected a ninety-year-old lady to have that much strength. I let her have the bowl and got out of the kitchen as fast as I could before anyone else could put me to work, and headed upstairs to my guest room. I opened the door and was about to flop down on my bed when I saw that I wasn't the only one in the room. On the bed farthest from me was Whitney, playing a portable video game.
"Didn't want to be put to work either?" I inquired.
"They know better than to ask me," she said, not looking up from her game. "I'd just burn everything, and they know it."
"I'm not much of a cook either," I concurred. I bit my cheek, then added, "You're not as bad as Mikhaila's made you out to be. You seem decent enough."
"Hmm?" She paused her game and looked up at me. "What has she said?"
"That you're promiscuous, and that's just the least of it. She also said that you like to pass yourself off as an older girl, and that you like to make her life a living hell."
"She's the one who likes to make MY life a living hell," she spat. "And what's that about me being promiscuous? She's the one who likes to hit on the guys in town, not me!"
"She also said that you claimed last year that you were pregnant."
"Ok, that I admit to. It was by a guy I was seeing at the time, but I miscarried around New Year's. Mom and Dad never found out, they just thought I was having a heavy period." She smirked. "I've heard some things about your kind, by the way…"
"And what do you mean by 'my' kind?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Hispanics. How you're loose with your bodies and that married guys often have a girlfriend on the side, and that they like to beat up on their girls."
"Hmph, you must've heard wrong."
"Well, Mikhaila said you're only here because your father beats you up, so it can't be THAT far off."
"Mikhaila has no right to stick her nose in my business. I try to stay out of other people's business when I can."
Whitney stood up and walked over to me. "What's your name? Rocío? Well, Rocío, some people are just too damn nosy for their own good."
"Perhaps, and maybe I'm being nosy right now, but you sure don't act sixteen."
"How old are you?"
"Seventeen."
She smirked and retorted, "Well, you don't act seventeen."
"Being beat up for most of your life tends to age you a little bit," I said sarcastically, adding a tiny smile.
Behind us, I could hear the door open, and when I turned around, there was Nene. "Oh, hello, you two!" she said in a singsong voice. "I didn't know anybody was in here."
"Sure you didn't," I joked. "What did you want?"
"Irodia wanted to talk to you."
I turned to Whitney. "Be right back," I said as Nene dragged me out the door.
Once the door was closed, Nene looked around the hallway, then led me into her room and shut the door. "That was a lie, Irodia's not looking for you," she said quickly. "I just needed to get you out of there."
"What's the rush?"
"Priss wanted me to give you this." She reached into her purse and took out a vidletter, then popped it into the vidletter player.
"Couldn't she have just mailed it?"
"With the Christmas rush, it probably wouldn't have gotten to you for another week if I didn't bring it myself." Nene beckoned me to sit down at the desk, then pressed 'play.' After a moment of static, Mom's face appeared.
"If you're listening to this, Yume, then I guess Nene's there after all," she greeted, darting her eyes away for a moment. She looked kinda nervous to me. "None of us here are Christians, but since it's the holiday season over there, then I guess that all of those cheery songs and stuff are getting to ya. I know you miss me, Sylia, Linna, and Michiko especially, but hell, Nene's over there now, so maybe it won't be quite as hard on you." She cleared her throat. "I told Nene this already, and I've been reluctant to tell you, but…I'm worried about you, and not just because you're hiding out. I'm worried because I've noticed that you're doing the same damn things that I did at your age. Cutting yourself off from everything, trying to pretend everything's ok, pretend nothing bad really happened. Well, I have a news flash for ya. That bad stuff really did happen, so don't pretend that it didn't. You need to accept that it really did happen, and don't think that it's all your fault. Trust me, I've been there, I know exactly what you're feeling and thinking."
"You weren't even a Knight Saber yet, Mom," I grumbled. Nene shushed me.
"I just hope that you're not going to keep this up forever, Yume. I know how hard it is to lose a friend, and I know that acceptance is not going to come overnight. It takes time. It might be a long time before you really accept that Michiko is gone, but please, don't delude yourself into thinking that she's alive and well, because she's not. She's dead…and someday we're all going to die. I'd rather it be later than sooner, but other than taxes, it's the only thing in life that's inevitable. Linna would say it's like trying to stop the tide, or like trying to stop the Earth from spinning.
"Anyway, I…I was thinking about you a lot the other day, and I wrote a song for you. Just to show you that no one here has forgotten about you, and that we all love you. It might be corny, but then again, it might not be."
Mom whipped out her guitar and strummed on a few strings, then started playing, and after about ten seconds, started to sing.
Yume mire, yume mire, (Dreaming, dreaming,)
anata to ashita o yume miteiru. (I'm dreaming of a tomorrow with you.)
Aishiteru to itteru (Telling you that I love you,)
sore dake hoshii ne. (that's all I want.)
Ude no naka ni dakishimeta (I would hold you in my arms)
subete ga daijoobu to itteta (and tell you that everything's all right,)
ima anata wa nakitai nara (and now, if you feel like crying,)
ima sugu ni soko ni iru to wakatteru yo. (you know I'll be there in a heartbeat.)
"You know I love you, babe"
Hai, soo desu. (Yes, I do.)
Anata wa kokoro ni iru yo, itsumo. (You will be in my heart, always.)
"I see you in the stars"
Hitomi no naka mo. (And in my eyes, too.)
Anata o aisuru hito o wasurenaide. (Don't forget about those who love you.)
"I know" Kokoro no naka ni mieru kara. (I know, because I can see inside your heart.)
"I hope" Anata wa jibun o yurusarareru wa. (I hope that you can forgive yourself.)
"Help me, help you, let me see you through…"
"Let me see you through…"
"That's pretty," Nene breathed, trying not to get teary-eyed. "She put her heart into that song, I can tell."
"Her English is better, too," I said nonchalantly.
"Is that all you can say about it?"
"I know she misses me. She didn't need to write a song saying so." I turned off the vidletter, which had ended by now, and walked out of the room, heading downstairs to grab my coat before heading up the stairs again, charging past Nene again, and out to the second-floor balcony. She followed after grabbing her own coat.
"You know, you really HAVE become hardened," Nene said, as if she was just now believing it. "Normally you would've been eager to hear whatever song Priss was writing."
I folded my arms over the railing and looked out at the falling snow in the distance. "She's always writing songs. It's like she never gets writer's block."
"That doesn't make the one you just heard any less special. Did you even listen to it?"
"Sure I listened. It was nice." A small smile formed on my lips as I turned my head towards her. "I just don't see why you were the one practically crying over it. I'm the one hiding out here indefinitely, I should've been the one to get teary-eyed, not you." I managed a chuckle.
"Well, why didn't you, then?"
"Because songs are stupid things to cry over. If you're sniffling at minor things, then how are you supposed to handle the bigger things?" I looked up to the sky and blinked when flying snowflakes got caught in my eyelashes.
"Life isn't just about big things, Yumeko," Nene said, walking up next to me and leaning over the railing. "It's the little things that make it worth it. You need to stop and smell the roses. Life isn't about the destination, it's about the journey."
"You're a walking cliché book," I joked, snickering.
"So what if I am? It's true, isn't it? If you worry too much about whatever big things might happen, you won't be able to appreciate the little things passing you by…like that song Priss just sang for you."
"I didn't say that I didn't appreciate it, because I do. But I'm not going to dwell on it like that song is going to change my life. It just let me know how Mom feels, but I already knew."
"Speaking about feelings…why don't you talk about what you're feeling? I know you're not totally cold-hearted. The bawling-out you gave me my first night here proved as much," Nene said.
"Why do you want to know?" I asked coldly. "It doesn't matter. I know how I feel, and I don't want anyone telling me how I'm 'supposed' to feel. I feel the way I feel, and that's that."
"There's a difference between keeping your feelings to yourself and stuffing them inside." She put a hand on my shoulder. "Yumeko…we've all been through a lot together. If you need to talk about something like the summit, then feel free to. We can relate."
"No you can't," I sighed, shaking my head. I fidgeted and hung my head, looking down at the distant snow-covered ground below. "I had to stay behind while everyone else went off to fight. If I'd been there from the get-go, I probably could've done something."
"You did do something. You saved my life and Priss' life."
"And nearly got mine snuffed out," I retorted, snorting. "I got shot, Nene! I couldn't even walk on my own for four months! And I got slashed too! Do you know what it's like to see everything covered in your own blood? Do you know what it's like to feel totally helpless, watching everybody you love and care for get beaten to within an inch of their life? It's a horrible feeling!"
"Is that why you went to Genom Tower, then?"
I was taken aback. I hadn't expected her to retort with a question like that, though it did make sense. I had to think for a moment; it was like I didn't even know myself why I went over there, went on a would-be suicide mission. I took a breath and answered.
"I don't know," I admitted. "Isn't it obvious? What do you think?"
Nene stood up straight, turned her back to lean against the wooden railing, and said, "My intuition says that you just felt so helpless that you couldn't do anything to save Michiko that you felt like you had to do something to make her death not look like it was in vain. You'd been stabbed four times in the stomach, but that didn't matter to you, because your determination was stronger than any pain you were feeling at the time, mental or physical. It was that way at the summit, too. You were so determined to save everybody that you didn't care what happened to you."
"I don't believe in the 'every man for himself' thing. It seems selfish."
"Perhaps, and during those two times, that was obvious enough that you didn't believe that. You're usually a very selfless person, Yumeko, but…lately, it just seems like you've been more and more introverted."
"What makes you say that?"
"The gun you got. It proves you want to protect yourself, and I can understand why, but the fact that you're introverted to the point where you don't want anybody close to you just seems selfish."
"How did you know about the gun?"
"Priss said you mentioned you got one in your most recent vidletter."
"Oh."
"Anyway, like I was saying, you're so introverted now that you don't want anybody close to you. Is it because you don't want anybody getting hurt like Michiko got hurt?"
"That's not it," I grumbled. "And besides, I do have a friend."
"Yes, Xania. I know," she said. "But I mean in general. Irodia said you've hardly opened up to her at all."
"She doesn't need to know anything. Why should I tell her anything when I'm not gonna be here that long anyway? This isn't going to be a permanent home for me. I'm not gonna let it get to that. I'm not going to live in hiding for the rest of my life, 'cause that's like telling Genom that I give up, they win."
"It's not giving up. Just call it a temporary backdown. Sometimes you have to know when to run, so you can think of a plan of action, to buy more time."
"I don't like to run…" I said softly, more to myself than to her.
"It doesn't make you look like a coward, if that's what you're thinking," Nene said. "Would you rather have gone down in a blaze of glory?"
"Sometimes I think that would've been the best way to go," I admitted. "I could've died as a martyr. And besides, at the time, I figured I was gonna die no matter what, so what the hell, why not go out doing what you feel like you were born to do?"
"Just because Genom is after you doesn't mean they're gonna get you. Didn't I tell you that we're working on a plan to defame Madigan?"
"Yes, but that doesn't mean Quincy won't pick up where she leaves off. And if at some point they do find me, then I'm going to fight till the end."
"Not going to let them stomp on you like they did at the Boomer summit, so to speak?" she queried. Before I could respond, she said, "You said that in your letter to Priss. The one you wrote before going off to Genom Tower. I guess I couldn't have put it better myself."
"…Exactly. I'm not scared of them. If they do find me, I'll just blow them away."
"You don't have a hardsuit here. And I don't know how much good that gun of yours would do. Besides, what if they send a whole army after you? You couldn't take it down all by yourself."
"I don't care. We're gonna die sooner or later anyway, right? And I don't intend to die hiding in a corner."
Nene sighed. "I give up. You're too stubborn. But still…don't go through life assuming that the worst is going to happen."
"You know, when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me," I quipped. Nene gave me a puzzled look, then I repeated it in English so it would make more sense. "It's something I picked up from Xania. And don't even get me started about her theory about worrywarts."
"I can only imagine," she said, rolling her eyes. "So anyway, um…how has school been? Have you been able to adjust ok?"
"Yeah, it's been alright. It's not as tough as being back at Kihi was."
"Are you getting good grades?"
"Every day, Irodia practically chains me to my desk and doesn't let me leave until I have all my homework done. So I guess my grades are decent."
"Passing every subject?"
"Yeah."
"Get into any fights?"
"I've gotten into a couple. Haven't gotten suspended though…at least not yet," I added with a grin. "The guys here are wusses."
"Anybody try to hit on you a la Masahiro?"
"I'd rather not discuss it," I said flatly, darting my eyes away for a moment. "There IS one guy who seems nice enough. He's an ex of Xania's."
"What's his name?"
"Greg. He's your classic would-be knight in shining armor. I think he has a crush on me."
"Oh?" Nene got a mischievous grin on her face. "Have you gone out with him?"
"No. Our only 'date,' if you could call it that, was when he took me to the hospital after I broke my arm three weeks ago. I was trying out a new move on the uneven bars and I royally screwed up."
"Well, it's nice to know that there's a guy you know who's not a total pig. And it's great to know that you're back doing your gymnastics."
"I'm going to turn it up a notch once we get back to Sacramento. I really need to get back into shape if I want to be able to do the Olympic trials."
"Don't you have to be actively involved in gymnastics, though?" she asked. "You haven't been on a team since just before you joined the Knight Sabers."
"Well, don't blame me for getting shot through the leg," I grumbled. "Technically I probably shouldn't be able to do any of that stuff at all, let alone within the year after it happened. I guess I'm just lucky."
"What about schoolwork? How are you going to juggle that and gymnastics practice?"
"I think I'll go to school like normal, go to my tai chi lessons every other day like I've been doing, go home and do homework – since Irodia won't let me do anything until it's done anyway – then head back to the gym till it closes."
"You know what they do in China with their aspiring gymnasts, right?"
"They make 'em practice for eight hours a day, six or seven days a week, I know. But that's overkill. They'd get too worn out to do anything before long."
"Yes," she agreed. "So don't try to do too much at once, ok? After a while, your body will probably just get back into the groove."
"I hope so."
Behind us, I could hear the sliding glass door open, and when Nene and I turned around, there stood Mikhaila, bundled up in her coat, a package cradled in her arms. "Dinner's almost ready," she said, "but not for another ten minutes or so."
"What's with the package?" I asked. "Don't we open 'em tomorrow morning?"
"Yeah, but I needed to give this to you now." She walked over to me and held it out to me. I hesitated for a moment, then gingerly took it in my hands. "Go on, open it."
I raised an eyebrow and directed my gaze from the package to Mikhaila. "What's the catch?" I inquired.
"There's no catch," she replied, annoyed. "Just open it before I toss it over that balcony."
I looked back down at the package; it was wrapped in green wrapping paper and bound in blue ribbon with a big blue bow adorning it. The tag said "To: Rocío, From: Mikhaila." The package was rectangle-shaped, which made me think for a moment why on earth Mikhaila would give me clothes, because it was shaped like the kind of box that a sweater would go in or something. I shrugged and tore off the bow, then pulled off the ribbon and ripped away the wrapping paper, revealing a white box. The sides were taped down, and once I tore the tape, I took off the lid, only to see a layer of tissue paper. I lifted off some of the tissue paper, and nearly dropped the box when I saw what was inside.
Greeting me was the much-missed picture of me and Michiko, looking just as I remembered it. The frame was different, however; instead of an oak frame, it was surrounded by mahogany.
"What…how did you…" I stammered, looking up at her in shock.
"Before you accuse me of anything, let me explain," Mikhaila said. "That day you went to the mall with Xania, Juliana, and Sara, Mom had me helping her clean the house. She asked me to go around the house and collect the trash bags, so I went into your room to get yours, and I must've bumped the desk when I bent down to get it, 'cause suddenly that picture of yours fell off the desk, and the frame and the glass broke. I took the picture out of the frame, then I threw the frame away, and I hid the picture underneath my mattress. You were pissed at me, and I was pissed at you, so I figured that you didn't deserve to see it again."
"Irodia said she searched your room top to bottom for that picture," I protested.
"I only kept it there for a little bit before putting it in my backpack. I thought about throwing it away, but I couldn't do it. I dunno why, but I couldn't, so I didn't. And finally I just figured what the hell, the girl wants it back so bad, I guess I should give it back before she mops the floor with me. So just before we packed up to come here to the middle of nowhere, I asked Mom to buy a frame for it, and I brought it along, obviously.
"But what made me really decide to give it back was…I dunno exactly what it was, but on the plane, and in the van on the way here, I…I guess I learned you're an ok gal. You're not as bad as I made you out to be. You're not the mega-bitch that I thought you were. So…there you go," she said, motioning towards the picture. "Hope you're happy."
I nodded slowly, still in a bit of shock. "…Thank you, Mikhaila."
"You're welcome. I'll try to avoid dragging you into another swimming pool, ok?"
"And I'll try to avoid giving you any more black eyes, though if there's another time you deserve one, then I'll be there to give it to you."
"Ok, ok." She held out her hand. "Truce?"
"Sure. Truce," I said, shaking her hand.
"Dinner's ready," Irodia suddenly said, appearing at the doorway. "Get in here, it must be freezing out there."
"It's not that bad," Nene replied, though she was shivering from head to toe. "We'll be there in a minute."
"All right. Come on, Mikhaila."
"Ok," Mikhaila said, following Irodia inside.
"Am I missing something?" Nene joked once we were alone again. "What's this about her dragging you into a swimming pool?"
"It's a long story," I said. "Besides, it looks like that whole spiel is over and done with now, so it doesn't matter anymore." I hugged the picture and held it close to me as I looked out at the dark horizon in the distance. I swore I would never let this picture out of my sight again; I never wanted to deal with anything like that again.
"And who are those other two girls Mikhaila mentioned?"
"Juliana and Sara are two of the girls we hang out with. Sara gives everybody a ride to school and is obsessed about her Spanish class. She's really bubbly, and she kinda reminds me of Michiko. Juliana's the quieter one, the brainier one, I guess. They're both good girls. They ask me to go to the mall with them a lot, but I'm usually busy with my tai chi lessons or whatnot. Most of the time, I don't even want to go; I just want to be by myself in my room."
"It doesn't hurt to go out and have fun every so often," Nene said. "You're perfectly entitled to it."
"But it's just not the same," I sighed, looking at the picture again. I traced my fingertip over Michiko's cheek and said, "Nothing's ever been the same since Micchan died. I feel…guilty. I can't have fun when she can't. I never went to the mall without her. I feel like it's sacrilege if I can laugh and smile while she's in a hole in the ground, not even able to feel the sun on her face or…or enjoy the small things, like sleepovers!"
"Life is for the living, Yumeko."
"What?"
"I'm not being mean when I say that, but it doesn't make sense to put your life on hold for someone who's, well, no longer among the living. I know it hurts to lose a friend; I can only imagine. But you need to move on with your own life."
"She'd be alive if I didn't join the Knight Sabers. How do you think that makes me feel?"
"We can't all play God, ok?" she said gently. "Life is always going to be full of what ifs, but there's nothing we can do about it. All we can do is move forward. I forget who said this, but someone said that you can't plan for the future if you're still living in the past. You can't move forward if you're looking backward. You know what I'm getting at, right?"
"I think so…" I said. "But…it's been four months since she died. We've had four months that she never got. I feel like I…like I should be doing something more to help make her death not seem like it was in vain."
"Yumeko, you know what I think Michiko would want you to do? I think that she would want to see you live your dreams, go to the Olympics. She'd want you to live each day as if it were your last, live like you've never lived a day in your life. She wouldn't want you to feel sorry for her. She knows you feel bad, but you know what? She would want you to move on. You said she supported you for being in the Knight Sabers, right?"
I nodded slowly, clutching the picture in my arms.
"Well then, don't let her down! We're gonna show Madigan just what a bunch of middle-aged vigilantes can do!"
I couldn't help but laugh. "With the exception of me, of course!"
"Of course! But look at me. I'm forty-one years old, and I'm the youngest one of us four," she joked. "You're seventeen, due to turn eighteen in five and a half months. You still have your whole life ahead of you. Several Olympics, I'm sure, and whatever else you feel like you can do. We're not going to let your life get cut short by…by those people up at Genom. We're going to do everything in our power to help you."
"I hope you are," I said softly.
"You're going to come home soon," she swore, hugging me gently. "I promise that."
"Don't make any promises, Nene," I said with a pained voice. "You just might end up breaking them."
"No, this one I intend to keep. You just watch."
From below, I could hear a group of voices singing something. I looked down, and heading up the walkway was a group of Christmas carolers. They all gathered on the porch and started singing, and after a few moments, the door opened, and the whole family was gathered there, watching the carolers sing. They sang Holy, Holy, Holy, then started singing a tune that I could practically feel tugging at my heartstrings.
"Silent night…holy night…"
I started softly singing the words along with them, and Nene looked on and just smiled.
All is calm, all is bright.
Round yon virgin, mother and child.
Holy infant, so tender and mild.
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Sleep in heavenly peace.
"Silent night, holy night… Son of God, love's pure light…" I sang, starting the second verse, when Nene put a hand on my shoulder and stopped me.
"I thought you weren't a Christian," she joked in a soft voice. "How do you know Christmas songs?"
"I go to church with Irodia's family every Sunday," I said, managing a smile. "And plus, Irodia was singing them all the time at home when she was setting up Christmas decorations, so it was kind of hard to avoid learning any of them." I looked down at the carolers again and listened as they finished singing Silent Night, then started singing Deck the Halls.
"I guess dinner is going to be a few minutes late," Nene joked.
"I don't mind. Let's just listen to them sing."
I felt her put an arm around me, then she said, "Merry Christmas, Yumeko."
"Merry Christmas, Aunt Nene."
As the carolers continued to sing, I took that moment to look up into the night sky again. Snowflakes were still swirling down by the hundreds, landing softly on the trees and houses below. Several caught in my eyelashes, but I didn't mind. Right now, everything just felt so perfect, so peaceful. I didn't want the moment to end, and I especially didn't want to see Nene leave again, which she would have to do in a few days. But it was nice to see her again, if only for a week; at least I was actually able to talk with her in person instead of through a vidletter, which seemed strangely scripted. Having her here made me wish ever harder that soon, I'd be able to enjoy a moment like this with Mom, Sylia, and Linna too.
Yes, soon. That would be my Christmas wish, to be able to be with my friends and family again, if only for a moment. It would be better than not seeing them at all. I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer, wishing for just that. If it was the only wish I got for the rest of my life, then I could die a happy woman.
I just hoped that what Nene said was true.