3rd Entry
This sucks. I wanna die. Or something. Just want to curl up in a corner, hide myself in a box, just... just be ALONE, close the stupid world out, get PEACE! PLEASE! Also, I've lost interest in everything. Literally. All the stuff I have to do, courses, practice, upcoming missions, even my hobbies. Frankly, can't be bothered. Feels like PMS or something (from what I know anyway). Gosh that would be hard, getting this depressed on a monthly basis. Oh, how I LOVE to be a man. And how I'D LOVE to fuck a man!
Should strike that out. Cause no, he is out of bounds. Seems like he lives in his own world, where I have almost no place, no right to belong, yet does he know that he owns MINE? Oh, not only my sexual desires. It's strange to write down, but yes, I definitely feel this must have went beyond that level. From the simplest things to the great, big moments, I want to be a part of his life and invite him into mine, to share everything... to be able to protect him... That's one reason why I work so hard on my 'sabre techniques too. Last time, at night, he told me to trust in the Force to protect myself and I wanted to kiss him sooo hard, because I forgot to say that this was OF COURSE when he had me against a stupid wall and goodness, he was sweaty and hot and his lips had "RAVAGE ME" written all over them, and he was panting hard---
So well, about protection, because I got carried away... so. Protecting my beloved Master should be my priority from now on. Even if it means to protect him from my dangerous, wrong thoughts and notions of loving him, protecting him of myself. That is why I should not EVER act on my true feelings, to have him safe, his world safe, so that he can be happy the way he wants, and not the way I would want him to be.
Force give me the strength to do this. It's hard. I'm blue because of unrequited love and no, there is no way out but to let it fade, if it can.