Extra warning: again, mentions of self-gratification... though I censored myself here a bit (left out 7 lines or so), thus if you would like to read the unabridged version( at any time), please visit LiveJournal! (username lovedancelady, look in the 'memories')

4th Entry

Allright, the last month was spent trying REALLY hard to restrain myself. Protecting him from me. I even abandoned this journal and spent time STUDYING (man, I can't believe myself!) and many DANGEROUS rides when I had the chance. Don't even entertain foolish thoughts! Concentrate on something else, anything BUT his distinct, tranquillising yet secretly sensual smell; what smell, FRAGRANCE, even! ; and his deep, intelligent eyes, the planes and angles and curves that form an admirable frame for his unique soul.

Actually, became better and better in this new "profession" that I just call O.P. for Obi-Wan Protecting. Restraining the number of hours spent together to a minimum, short conversations, eating in the cantene, grabbing all the excuses not to be in the same room with him. And not watching when he meditates. Funnily, he has been doing that more often than ever. Also, he doesn't seem to mind that we haven't been talking and spending time together as much as we used to. Only the necessary training sessions and stuff. I really stopped thinking about him profoundly (at least during the day, because at night, my dreams were wilder than ever.)

Therefore, began to think that my O.P had been successful, or at least on the way to success. How wrong was I!
Yesterday I came back to our shared quarters pretty late. Sneaked out for a bit of Coruscant sightseeing - at max speed. Best part of O.P.
Anyways, as I was opening the door, slowing it down with the Force and opening it only to a crack, I noticed that the lights were still on. I cringed inwardly. Not good.
I tiptoed across our small entrance hall like some feline, or like a shadow and was planning how to make my way to my own room - was counting on Obi-Wan working or reading, immersed in what he was doing...

Oh and indeed, how immersed was he - IN PLEASURING HIMSELF! Thank Force I peeked out from the corner!

I was struck by lighning, then and there. The world could have collapsed, I probably wouldn't have noticed. I was lost to the vision in front of my eyes... Goodness, I get aroused just from remembering...
just indescribable hotness. Clothes still on, yet slightly disarrayed, the sheen of perspiration on his face, his closed lids, his lips open in a silent moan...

One month of hard work gone like that. I was overwhelmed with love and lust. ... I bit hard on my own lips, drawing blood, so that I didn't scream aloud. Watching him all the way. He was holding back a cry too - and he mouthed something like Quinn or Qeen...

So he has a lover! The realisation sank in, and my heart got numb and my head dizzy. He has someone. Suddenly all his being happy that I avoid him made sense. Of course he wouldn't need a Padawan when pursuing his amorous interests. Whoever this Qeen or Quinn might be. Lucky bitch.

And here I am. I contemplated throughout the night and have been sulking here for much of the day. I feel awful; the worst I've ever been. The more I think, the worse. Sometimes I think that maybe it did not mean anything special, but I can't stop hypothesising; all the what-if's.
What if he has a serious lover, what if he will leave me for ever, what if that girl would make him do something stupid, what if I could kill that BITCH!
What if she was but a one-night stand? Or an old memory? Or maybe she is a he... and what if I stood a chance! But what if ...

ARGH.

The thing is, he is lost for me, even more than before.

May the Force give me the strength I need.