We're baaaaack. And I'm so glad that there are so many people who liked this. That means the Mary-Sue authors haven't taken over yet.
For those who don't know, a Mary-Sue is a very unrealistic fan character. She is usually unusual in appearance, and often very attractive. She is very powerful, sometimes even more so than canon characters. A Mary-Sue is sometimes a self-insert (the author changing herself into a cool character), and is often wish fulfillment (the Mary-Sue falls in reciprocated love with the author's favorite character). Yeah, Sues suck. If you need an example, just go read other FMA fics.
This chapter doesn't seem to funny to me...-is sad-
(oOo)
"It's you!" Ed squealed like a little piglet about to be eaten by giant snakes. Esaelia smiled like the aforementioned giant snake.
"Hello, Fullmetal Alchemist," she said sweetly. Kajika mumbled something and tried to grab her sword. Esaelia stepped on her head. "Funny meeting you here."
Oh. Good. Golly. Gosh.
She had just saved him. She had just saved him. Ed had battled homunculi, chimeras, and an emotionally disturbed Ishbalan who could blow peoples' brains out of their ears, but he had needed to be saved from this Sword Girl. By Esaelia. The Mary-Sue.
Alchemy help him.
Esaelia giggled, suddenly as pert as an anime schoolgirl. "I'm glad you're okay," she said happily. She leaned forward, looking for—a hug? A kiss? More? (Oh please no.) Ed sank into his seat.
"I want…" Ed said slowly. She smiled knowingly. "I want….to see you belly dance!"
The next thing he knew, Esaelia had whipped her shirt off and was dancing like she had a leech sucking on her belly button. This went on for the better part of ten minutes. Finally, Esaelia finished shaking her adooooorable little butt in the direction of Ed's face and turned around. The window was open. The brothers were gone.
(oOo)
Fact 1: If you have common sense, you don't jump out of a moving train.
Fact 2: If you're being pursued by a Mary-Sue, common sense doesn't apply.
"Damn," Ed muttered, cradling his automail arm, which had sort of cracked from the impact. His hair had also gotten messed up, and he was desperately trying to fix it. Al was also injured, but since he was a suit of armor, he didn't matter too much. "That Esaelia girl SUCKS."
"Brother?" Al asked tentatively. His right arm had basically imploded, but he was way too nice to care about that. "Are you all ri—"
"What do you think?" Ed snapped. "Look! My arm's freaking DENTED! And look at my hair! At this rate, I might actually look NOT SUPER HOT!"
"Well," the younger brother said meekly, "Maybe that will repel that Esaelia girl, since she seems to—"
"Al!" Ed cried. "You're a genius! I have the perfect idea to fix this!"
(oOo)
First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye stared. Blinked. Stared some more.
"Sir?"
"Be quiet," her superior commanded, twitched and nervously flicking his eyes over his shoulder. "She'll hear."
"Sir, with all respect, I don't—"
"She'll find me," Roy insisted, and the look in his eyes was so absolutely crazy that she really hoped he wouldn't get rabies and she would have to shoot him. Because that would suck. "She's everywhere and she knows where I live."
"But, Sir—a supply closet?"
"She'll never find me here!" With that, he started laughing insanely, and drooling while he did so.
Crap, she thought. I just know I'm going to have to explain this to the higher-ups.
(oOo)
Winry Rockbell, self-described automail extraordinare, was busy dissembling the latest tourist's gadgetry behind his back when the phone rang. Wiping grease off her hands onto a nearby lacey tablecloth, she went over to pick it up.
"Hello," she said brightly. "Rockbell residence. We--"
"I know who you are," a voice said coldly. "You're trying to steal Ed away from me."
"Uh...what?"
"You little slut."
"Excuse me?"
"You want him all to yourself. YOU DON'T DESERVE HIM."
"Who is this?"
"I'll come get you," the voice, female, said bitterly. "Just wait." Click.
Winry headed back over to her workbench, proudly hefting her largest wrench. Oh, she would wait. She would wait eagerly.
(oOo)
"Are you sure this will work?"
"You're the one who wanted to do it, Brother."
"Yeah, but it was your idea."
"You LIKED the idea."
"If we mess up, Al, it's all your fault."
"It's MY fault?"
"Ssh! I hear someone!"
Sure enough, there was Esaelia, walking slowly in the moonlight, which was actually bright enough to illuminate her quite well. Shadows hugged her ample curves and beautiful face, which, Ed and Al realized, was streaked with tears. Ed, to his horror, almost felt himself get up from behind the rock that was their hiding place and go comfort her. Sue radiation was POWERFUL. And deadly.
"I don't know what to do, mother, father," she said softly, talking to her amulet. Ed and Al automatically realized that her parents were dead and she was the sole survivor of some tragically clichéd accident. "They're all running from me…I don't think they quite understand that they NEED me. Without us joining forces…the world will end."
Al gasped. Ed groaned. "Of course," he muttered. "It figures."
Tears began to stream down her face, shining in the moonlight. She sobbed beautifully. Ed crushed a rock with his fist.
"Brother," Al gasped, and then, sensing his OoCness, looked down, abashed. Ed glanced up, peering at the girl's bloody crimson amulet.
"Holy crap…is that…?"
"The Philosopher's Stone," Al finished gravely. Esaelia glanced over, hearing a small noise. The brothers ducked.
"How…stupid," Ed said, in awe of the author's incredible prowess for lame ideas. "That is just—"
"Whoops," Esaelia said cheerily as she accidentally dropped the charm/Philosopher's Stone. She bent over to get it, and Ed, to his dismay, could see her out-of-place jeans riding lower and lower…and lower…
But before he could avert his eyes from Sue's obviously-quite-hot butt…
…he spotted something.
There it was, right above where the curve of her porcelain back became her rear end. A small tattoo. As Ed peered closer, he recognized it.
An Ouroboros.
"WTF?"