Title: Brownies Author: Eeevee Genre/Rating: general (aka crack fic)/PG-13 for drug references and mild swearing Disclaimer: It's still not mine. Challenge: None, wrote it for myself to celebrate my b-day (4/20!) Warnings: Post SS arc Pairings: Nope, not this time
Renji glared at the offending note taped to the door. He ripped it down, squinted, and flipped it over. The scribbling was still terrible, but at least he wasn't reading it upside down anymore.
"What the hell?" Renji growled, making random lackeys jump and skitter out of his way.
He stalked right up to the Fourth division grounds and marched right up… until he got to the door. As much fun as it would be to storm in there and scare all the little pansys shitless, Renji really didn't want to draw Unohana-taicho's wrath down on his head. His captain was a cold-blooded bastard, yet the demure woman was the one everyone tiptoed around.
She was a scary broad.
It took a whole ten minutes to realize he had not a fucking clue where the kitchens were. He didn't care where the food actually came from or who cooked it, as long as it was edible and in front of his face.
Why Kira would be here of all places…
"Hey, you!" He bellowed in his I'm-a-vice-captain, piss-your-pants-and-obey-me-before-I-eat-you voice, "Where the fuck are the kitchens in this place? I've been wanderin' 'round forever!"
The fourth division member fainted.
"Well, shit."
He repeated the process a couple of times before he actually ran into one that didn't faint, run away, or beg not to be raped.
"Um, er, they… t-they're that way."
Renji grabbed the back of his robes and took off with the little runt in tow. He could prove useful later.
"Oi! What're you doin'?" Renji bellowed, his face turning a shade dangerously close to the color of his hair.
Kira paused, looking like a trapped bunny or something, and said meekly, "I'm finding a positive outlet for my negative emotions."
Renji's mouth dropped open a little as he mulled that fancyass sentence over. "Ya were supposed ta go boozin' with us tonight!"
Kira looked at his hands and mumbled, "My therapist doesn't think drinking is an appropriate outlet."
"The hell it isn't!" Maybe he should have a word with this 'therapist' guy. It was obviously he was poisoning poor Kira's already warped mind, "What's wrong with ya?"
"My therapist says that I am a neurotic paranoid, and that I need to work to improve myself. Just because I had a trouble childhood doesn't mean it has to ruin my life." Kira continued, gaining momentum.
"Um, yer life is pretty damn ruined. Yer lucky ta be alive."
"It's obvious that my attachment to Gin was due to a lack of a father figure in my childhood. I simply need to continue a positive transference and…" Kira blinked and Renji wanted to say it served him right if his brain blew up from using all those idiotic, doctor-ly words. "And… my cookies are burning!"
Renji watched in disbelief and revolton as Kira donned pink Chappie mitts and pulled out a sheet of cookies. Besides the fact that they actually smelled edible, there were some bigass smiley faces grinning at him. Those chocolate smirks dared him to eat them and their happy, positive energy shit and what not.
He hadn't said a damn word about the lace or the fact that he looked like a bloody housewife, but bunny mitts? To pull cookies out of the oven. Maybe he was the one who needed to see the fucking shrink! And he would make Kira pay for it, since he was the source of all the mental images. Renji was sure he was going to have nightmares about this for decades to come.
"Would you like to try one?" Kira offered with a sappy smile, peering out from under his blond bangs. He shoved the tray under Renji's nose, causing the vice-captain to jump back like he was burned. And he damn near was. "They're a special recipe that gives the cookies an extra special kick. It's delicious, I promise."
"Fuck, I ain't eatin' anything ya cooked."
"Baked." Kira corrected mildly, scooping the cookies onto a metal rack. He lined them up neatly. "You bake cookies."
"Whatever." Renji snorted in disgust. He wouldn't be caught dead in such a horrible outfit or baking cookies. Kira was really cracked. "Can't ya just take some meds ta fix ya?"
"My therapist says that medication just masks the problem, it doesn't solve it. He says that's why all the drinking in the world won't make me forget because all my problems are lurking in my unconscious, waiting to pop up and terrorize me. I need to have some confidence in myself and find out how to solve the problem."
"So yer bakin' cookies?"
"And brownies. You want one?"
Renji's big hand shot out and grabbed the poor Fourth division member and shoved the little punk forward. The little runt started blubbering and made a run for the door. Renji just scruffed him and shoved a brownie down his throat. The little guy choked and sputtered then chewed thoughtfully.
"So?"
"I-it's g-good. Can I h-have a-another one, p-please?"
"Sure!" Kira agreed, shoving the plate of chocolate in their general direction. Renji dropped the kid and reached for one, feeling deep in his stomach he would regret this. It would be real funny to explain to his jerk captain why he couldn't show up for work because of food poisoning. "Go ahead. Try one. Just one and then I'll go out with you guys."
Renji glared at the desserts balefully, wondering if alcohol would burn away things that were stuck to the wall of his stomach. Assuming it didn't choke him first.
Suddenly, he got this gut feeling that made him change his mind.
He was too young to die! He hadn't beaten his captain and still was waiting to get laid by a certain someone. He loved Kira like… well, okay, the guy was a drinking buddy… and this was going too far.
Of course, by the time he thought all this through and opened his mouth, Kira and the kid were laughing. They better not be laughing at him! Just because they thought sounding like a couple of hyenas was cool…
"Teehee."
Okay, that was just weird.
Renji decided that as terrified of the Fourth Division he was before, he was really scared now. What sorts of stress management, I-will-make-myself-a-better-and-more-whiny- person shit were they teaching people?
He was going back to the bar where things made sense and the drunks only giggled until they passed out in a puddle of vomit.
A/N: I have no excuse for this one except that it's really fun to torment Kira and make fun of psychoanalysis at the same time.