Sam stood their looking at the kid who had taken the heroin, she cast her mind back to the emotional rollercoaster she had been on in the last 24hours. Her period was late, and she didn't know whether she was pregnant or not.
As she thought about the situation, she didn't know whether she was relieved when the test had came back negative or whether a part of her had felt slightly gutted. In one sense she was slightly relived, at least it didn't add any further complications to her life. She was happy with Stuart, but there was just that few percent hanging over her that didn't make him perfect for her. She was having a great time with him, but she didn't understand why she felt she couldn't take to him about her situation. When she had told Phil, it had felt almost natural, like she had been telling him it was going to rain or something daft like that. They'd had their problems, but he was still the only person in the whole world she felt like she could trust with her predicament. Phil had been great, very supportive, and for a moment she had wished that she was pregnant, but the father was different. She hated herself for these thoughts, but no matter how happy she was with Stuart, Phil was always nagging at the back of her mind, and she knew deep down that had she been involved with Phil, Stuart would defiantly not be nagging her mind.
Sam thought back to what would have happened if she had of been pregnant, this would have been her chance to be the mother she shied away from for all those years with Abi, this would have been her chance to prove to herself that she was capable of affection and love, something which had always frightened the living hell out of her before.
She realised how much she had changed on the last few years, the old Sam Nixon would have been mortified at the thought that she could even have let this pregnancy scare happen, never mind even contemplate wanting the child, she would have been straight down the clinic for an abortion, but these days she felt more accepting of her faults and came across relaxed warm and dare she say it loving.
She loved Stuart and had a great respect for him, but when they had been sat in the car, the look on his face when he had told her he might not be ready for kids, seemed to highlight reasons why they shouldn't be together, and whilst she had thought for a few moments during the day that this might be the end for them, she was now almost sure that had she been pregnant she would have been correct. She felt worried by this, it showed that their relationship wasn't as strong as she had thought, but yet whilst she was worried she wasn't devastated and her mind had immediately flicked to Phil, yet again she tried to rid her thoughts of him, but she knew how uncomfortable he had felt discussing her periods, yet he had cared, stayed with it, made sure her mind was at ease, and it was this she thought that distinguished lust from love.
As she stared at the child lying there, she knew that at some point these issues in her mind would have to be confronted, but she wasn't ready for this yet. She was still grieving for the child she never even had.