Warnings: Spoilers for all of the manga.
Notes: About time I got around to one of the main characters, eh? This and the "Goh" fic, which I will get around to finishing eventually, are to be part of a larger storyline I am trying to put to words, so it is short and may seem rather incomplete, sorry. Thank you again, eternalsailorsolarwind, for your review. After much weekend reflection (and many distractions) I made some adjustments to the Tsunuga chapter that I hope you will appreciate.
Disclaimer: Yellow is owned by Makoto Tateno; I'm just borrowing it so I can make myself feel better about the plotholes...

The Honeymoon is Over

I wake up sometimes, like now, and there he is. It's not the fact that he is there that bears mentioning; I know he's there because that's where he was when I fell asleep. It's that he puts his head on my chest, or his arm around my waist, like he's afraid I'm not going to be here when he wakes up if he doesn't. I get that, but it's still strange. I'm usually rather uncomfortable with this level of intimacy with people. I've spent so many years up until now keeping distance from others. A long string of empty relationships with women. They rarely stayed over, and when they did I made sure they fell asleep first, so I didn't have to deal with any clinging.

I know part of the reason I allow him this is guilt. It only takes one betrayal of trust to damage a relationship for a very long time. I learned that with Mizuki. The love that was there before is still there, but there is still that uncertainty. Love, yes. There is that other part of the reason I allow him this. It feels good when he touches me like this.

I remember the first time we made love. It hurt. He was so concerned about me, though. Asking me if I was okay with his eyes so glazed over with passion. I loved him so much at that very moment. None of the pain or discomfort mattered in comparison. I have to wonder, though, if it was the same for some of those women I slept with? The ones who told me they loved me and let me deflower them? I guess I never really understood them; I never really tried, that is. In that the two of us are surprisingly similar.

He says he doesn't like women. I always thought gay men got along with women really well, since they, "had so much in common," so it was kind of funny to me that he got so up in arms about it all the time. It was a silly thing to assume about gay men, I know that now. I guess part of it was jealousy since they got to have me and he didn't, but now I think I have a better handle on it.

He won't admit it, but I think his mother running off on him had something to do with it. He doesn't trust women. His insecurities led him to reject them from his life. Then he spent years sleeping with only younger men. Abandoned puppies like he used to be. I always had thought that he was just some perverted homo, but I get that now. He never trusted them and he never let them get close, because he was always afraid that they'd leave, too. And then they would. He doesn't trust me either, but he tries. Sometimes I feel like he's forcing himself.

I can see it in his eyes. That wariness. Like he's afraid I'm going to disappear again. I guess I can't blame him. I do have a habit of not saying anything and just splitting, but I won't this time. Not to him; not now. I have too much to lose to throw it away just because I'm scared. I wish I could show him that and have him believe me.

It's like there's this space between us since we got back. Like he's handling me like some fragile doll. When we fight, like we always do, there's this edge. Like he's waiting for me to change my mind. Like that's even possible.

I don't really know what to do about it. I get his insecurities about us, but I don't think there is anything I can do that could ever really assuage them. They're always going to be there at the back of our minds.

I know I love him, though, and really, that's all that matters to me. If I have to deal with his distrust of me, I deserve it. If I have to let him hold me like this, that's fine. I'll bear the burden until I can slowly earn it back. He's worth it. The purest love I have ever felt.

Taki
7/31/06
705 words