Warnings: Spoilers for all of the manga.
Notes: I planned to work on these a lot this week, but the heat wave kicked me on my butt for a few days (no A/C in my room!) and I spent most of it laying down trying not to sweat to death, sorry. I was going to do Mizuki next (who is incidentally being difficult), but Goh insisted that he wanted to "be behind Taki," and then he winked at me. I started laughing and then he realized I was a woman and walked away from me. Go figure. He also seems to have a lot more to say than Taki, but that doesn't surprise me; Taki's a pretty tight-lipped guy. This and "The Honeymoon is Over" are part of a larger storyline I am trying to put together, so it may seem incomplete and ends rather abruptly, sorry. I hope I accurately represented both Goh's insecurities and his nearly unfathomable bravado as well. My favorite (I assure you, this has nothing to do with the fact that you are my only as of yet) reviewer, eternalsailorsolarwind, thank you for your continued support. I hope you'll notice a continuance in some of the themes in Goh's insights as well. I'd also like to say, though, that while he isn't so much a "puppy" anymore, I do have to argue that there are a few moments in the series when Goh gets that longing puppy look in his eyes (mostly pre-Act 11) that makes you want to melt.
Disclaimer: Yellow is owned by Makoto Tateno; I'm just borrowing it so I can make myself feel better about the plotholes...


Fear and Women

Even after everything, he still doesn't say that he loves me. I guess I sort of know how women feel now. I mean, I know he does. He wouldn't let me do him if he didn't want me, so there has to be something there. It's like he's skirting around the issue, though. I suppose my passive-aggressive tactic of saying it and hoping he reciprocates isn't the best method when dealing with Taki. He doesn't do subtle so well, not when it comes to emotions anyway. He says I don't get it. That not everyone can be as "in tune" with others' feelings as I am. That he doesn't understand what I want from him.

But it seems my aggressive tactic of demanding he say it doesn't work either. I suppose doing this primarily during sex is part of the reason it fails; he's far too preoccupied to say very much. Being aggressive about it in public does me no good either, though that doesn't stop it from being a very tempting diversion. Old habits are hard to break, it seems.

Sex. Yeah. I still can't believe he lets me have him. I keep waiting to wake up from this amazing dream. He likes it; if physical responses are any judge. I don't hear him complaining; at least not until he can't get up the next morning. Then I hear about it all day. But I know he's just teasing me. He always comes back for more. I told him he wouldn't be able to get enough.

It scares me, though. He's my equal. I never really tried to think about that before. Kei and all the others were safe. I'm man enough to admit that. They needed me because they were just kids, and I liked that. Taki doesn't need me. He's a lone wolf and he doesn't need anyone or anything. He could change his mind at any moment, get up and leave and not feel a thing about it. That's what scares me the most about being in love with him.

He's straight. That's the problem. How's a straight guy supposed to stay with another man? I mean, sure, why wouldn't any man get curious and give the meat a try once in his life? Especially with a catch like me, right? But they don't stay gay. They always go back to their women. Why should Taki be any different? Why would he be happy becoming the woman in a relationship when he's always been the man; been the one in charge? How can he really be satisfied with just me? I want to ask him about it. I want to ask about a lot of things, but I'm scared.

He still won't talk to me about what happened to him. I can't bring it up because I know it would upset him and I don't want to do anything that might cause him to run. I put a lot of it together on my own. This Mizuki chick did something to him; did something to him while she was a he. And he did it when Taki was really vulnerable and shattered whatever trust or love had laid between them. But I don't think that's all of it. Taki seems like he had issues before this happened. It's like he has to work to be as cold as he is; like he's always holding back for some reason; as if he doesn't deserve the love I have to give him. Part of it might be because of what happened with Tsunuga's kid, but even since that was all resolved there is still this space between us. I wish he would be honest with me. He doesn't realize how much it hurts to be left out of his life in any way.

I guess I can't really judge him. There are things in my past that I haven't come clean with him about either. I was more than a little careful about what I told him when he asked about my family that one time he actually seemed interested. Funny that he did that only after sex. Most of the time he acts like he doesn't care at all.

In public he won't even let me touch him. I know it isn't just about the gay thing; that he has bigger issues with physical contact than just people knowing he's with a man, but it still hurts to be rejected like that, so whenever we're alone I'm all over him. He doesn't really like that either sometimes, unless he's in the mood, and then it has to progress to sex or he loses interest. It's not that I mind it progressing to sex, but you know, sometimes I just want that contact. I want to know that he wants to be with me, and I want to know that he is going to keep wanting to be with me.

If there was only something I could do to keep him. I mean, I could... But could I? I know I like to think I am, but really, am I strong enough to let Taki? Would that even be enough?

Really, he's the strong one. To put up with me like this. I love him so much for it. I love him so much for so many things. I just want him to stay, and I think... Yeah, I know, I'd do anything to keep him.

Goh
8/5/06
908 words