Author's notes: I continue to have an abnormally soft spot for Hiruzen. Yeah, he's made some dumb choices in canon, but let's be honest here - so did Kishomoto, my friends. So did Kishimoto.

o-o-o

o-o-o-o

o-o-o-o-o

Hatake Kakashi personally knew just how cold it was outside, even though his body burned and sweat soaked his skin and hair. He had just spent the last two days and nights traveling nonstop through the snow and cold to reach his village, despite the flaming, weeping agony in his side. Well, okay, he traveled nonstop because of the flaming, weeping agony in his side. It seemed kinda silly to park his ass on a stump somewhere and rest when he had a very comfortable bed in a cozy apartment, just waiting for him. A man should only have to suffer so much, after all.

The ANBU headquarters where he stopped long enough to briefly report his mission's results had only been a hair warmer, especially when he decided that it was in his best interest to avoid his worrywart of a younger brother. Still, it didn't quite seem to hit home in his hazy mind just exactly, precisely, how cold it was, until the realization that he lacked hot water to wash his wounds because the water pipes were completely frozen.

Now that he was forced to consider such, it did seem colder inside his apartment than outside where dawn would be breaking shortly.

"Told you that you should've gone right for the hospital," Pakkun grumbled from where he watched Kakashi, his head resting between his two paws. After a moment, he added, "And so did Frog and Raccoon and Chipmunk and Robin and everyone else who saw you."

"I'm hungry," Kakashi replied. He swayed and clutched at the kitchen sink.

"The hospital has backup generators producing heat, kitchen staff producing food, and antibiotics. Sounds like a great deal that you wouldn't get anywhere else. "

"But… but it's hospital food." Kakashi tried opening the taps again, just in case the ice might have dislodged. Nothing. "I'd rather eat dog food."

"Well, can't really blame you for that one. Tsume-chan's dog food is delicious, far better than the swill they feed wounded shinobi. Nagumi-sensei said that the hospital deliberately feeds disgusting food to shinobi as an encouragement to get well sooner and leave faster."

Kakashi twiddled with the taps a few more times. He was used to seeing two handles, but they had multiplied into six, so he had to check each one. Still nothing. "Right. Right. So we'll just have to go get help."

"Good. I did mention the antibiotics, Kakashi. Kakashi? That's – that's not the hospital's direction!"

oOoOoOo

Kakashi felt that he made rather good time to the Inuzuka compound, despite how Pakkun repeatedly tried to trip him. "You're a ninken, not a sheep herder," he told Pakkun at least twice, rather put out that Pakkun had nipped at his heels a few times. Also, it seemed kinda weird for there to be child-sized bloody prints in the snow. He strongly considered the possibility of hypothermia-induced hallucinations.

"If you didn't keep falling asleep in the snow, I wouldn't be biting you!"

"Mmm'not sleeping. Only resting my eyes. So much to look at – when did Mom get an extra latch for her gate?" Kakashi lunged himself upright. He narrowed his eye in concentration as his fingers fumbled disobediently. He didn't know if it was because they shook so badly or because the latch was such a complicated thingamabob. Kakashi was saved from having to figure out the answer, however, when the gate was flung open from the other side. Hana stared up at him, her face nearly hidden in her jacket's fur-lined collar. Kakashi smiled down at her. And swayed. "Oh, it's my cute little sister-"

"What are you doing out here, you floundering dolt?"

"…not so cute," Kakashi grumbled as Hana broke his fall and manhandled him into the Clan Head's house. Pakkun followed after, his own expression nervous. "What're you doing up past your bedtime?" Kakashi asked as he poked the top of Hana's head. The kitchen's back door was already open as she dragged him through, and she slammed it shut with a solid kick.

"I'm supposed to be feeding the puppies. You reek, Kakashi! I could smell you coming from blocks away without even trying to in this nasty wind!" Kakashi pouted as she dumped him in a kitchen chair. Three wide-awake puppies barked and nudged at his legs as their tails wagged furiously. His presence attracted the attention and energy from a few other puppies that had been ready to fall asleep. "Why didn't you go to the hospital?"

"Because Pakkun said I needed antibiotics."

Hana leveled her angry glare at Pakkun. Pakkun wilted. "The hospital is the other way, idiot."

Pakkun whined and crouched down. "But I told him that." Two puppies eagerly pounced on him, because he was a small target to play with. Pakkun whined again, but had long ago resigned himself to being a chew toy for the Inuzuka ninken. He had recently put his paw down on being bait, however, considering the events of last year.

Hana was bustling around in the kitchen, gathering up cleaning and bandaging supplies when Kakashi finally acknowledged that he was having hallucinations, and such was most likely due to his infection-induced fever. It took him way too long to realize that the scrappy blond pup wearing too-large teddy bear pajamas with both feet bandaged wasn't an actual ninken puppy. But there was no possible way that Inuzuka Tsume would allow the jinchuuriki to sit on her kitchen counter, much less be dressed in pajamas that Kiba had outgrown.

Or eat her cup ramen.

… make that three cup ramen.

Seriously – four? Did the kid have an extra stomach stuffed somewhere in his pajama bottoms?

The jinchuuriki waved a package of unprepared cup ramen in the air. "More! I want more!"

"You've had enough before breakfast, Naruto." Hana hauled him off the counter where he had been seated and set him firmly on the floor. He greedily hugged the cup ramen to his chest. "And if you don't behave, I'll give you another round of antibiotics."

The jinchuuriki's face filled with horror and he retreated backwards with gingerly steps, one hand flying back to cover his bottom. "No!"

That didn't bode well for his own self, Kakashi mused as he watched Hana put the bottle of penicillin and needles on the table in front of him. He hated needles. They were so small and poky, and he wasn't convinced that they wouldn't break off in his body and stay there. At least a kunai could be removed without the use of tweezers and a magnifying glass. "Wait… isn't that the antibiotic that Mom uses on the dogs?"

"Yup." Hana didn't look from the notebook she was scribbling some numbers on. "Lessee, not accounting for the breed and age, I can do it by body mass, or the simple twenty milliliters per thirty kilograms formula rounded up to the next thirty. What's your weight, Kakashi?"

Pakkun answered for him. "Fifty-nine kilos."

Hana looked outraged. "Did you even eat anything when you were away? Mom is going to kill you." The jinchuuriki watched them both with wide blue eyes, one bony finger pressed against his lips. His body was tense and wary, as if he wanted to leave as much as he wanted to stay. Kakashi sniffed, and gagged at the stench of sickness that oozed from his side. Then he shut down his olfactory senses again. He could afford to be half-blind here – no other place would give him an alert to approaching danger as fast.

"Save yourself a needle then," Kakashi declared gallantly.

The smile that crept across Hana's face was decidedly evil. "No. I'm sure the loss of a needle will be worth it." She whistled. "Kuromaru, make sure that Kakashi stays right where he's at." She went back to scribbling on her notepad.

Kuromaru growled the moment Kakashi stood. So Kakashi sat back down – his legs felt weak and rubbery beneath him, anyway, so it was just as well.

"Ah hah! Forty milliliters should keep you alive long enough for Mom to kill you." Kakashi watched in trepidation as Hana extracted the penicillin from the bottle. "And then, after this, you're going to eat something." Needles used on ninken were significantly larger than needles used on humans. The awareness didn't make him feel better.

"I'd like some cup ramen."

"Kiss my ass, brother. Mom still has some leftover mush she prepared for Nagumi."

Kakashi felt both of his eyes tear up. "You're going to feed me the mush?" For some reason, that made his chest tickle with affection.

"Yup. Now stand and drop your pants."

Did he think affection? Maybe he meant infection.

"Now, Kakashi. Or I'll go get Mom to do it." Kakashi sighed as he struggled to undo his belt. Hana waited an impatient twelve seconds before setting the needle down and moving in front of him. "Mom's right. Men turn into gigantic puppies at the first sign of sickness." She made short work of his belt. As she flung it off to the side, Kakashi saw the jinchuuriki flinch back violently, frail shoulders hunching as his eyes followed the belt. Hana stepped back, her hands on her hips. "All right, now you can stand and drop your pants."

"Do you even realize how many women in this village would love to be in your shoes right now?" Kakashi asked as he undid his fly.

"I'd probably feel a lot more impressed if I didn't remember bathing with you. Besides, at least you don't have to turn around and bend over, too."

"You were four. I was twelve. I thought you'd drown if I left you alone at the onsen!"

"Are you stalling? I think he's stalling, Kuromaru. Bite him for me, would you?" Kakashi stood immediately. His head swam and lights darted in his vision. He clutched at the table as the floor shifted beneath his feet. He barely felt Hana's warm hand tug the waistband down just far enough to viciously jab the needle into his left buttock and inject the penicillin. She didn't even bother slapping a band aid over the injection site before she yanked his trousers back up and over his hip. "You're good. Sit back down." Kakashi was glad to obey.

As Hana put away the veterinarian supplies, the jinchuuriki carefully approached Kakashi. Kakashi was too drained and too… well, he hated to admit it… sick to react in any way except watch the brat. And he really needed to zip up his fly, eventually… His insides felt like they were on fire, but he shivered like he still stood outside in the cold.

The jinchuuriki gingerly patted Kakashi's knee with the sympathetic look of someone who was intimately familiar with getting penicillin injected in his left buttock. Then the kid dropped the cup ramen into Kakashi's lap.

It was pork-flavored.

"Gosh, you're cute," Kakashi said, sniffling.

The kid's answering grin was so breathtakingly, heartbreakingly like Minato-sensei's that Kakashi found it far too difficult to stop sniffling. Gosh, crybaby Obito's eye was really watery this morning…

Hana absently handed the cup ramen back to the jinchuuriki. "Naruto, I need you to stand right here, and hold this for me." She handed a roll of gauze to the kid. His little chest puffed out like a genin proudly accepting his very first assignment. Hana made short work of Kakashi's shirt with her scissors.

"Hey – I might've wanted to save that."

"Why? The dogs would've just buried it in the first deep hole they could find, and they probably wouldn't have hesitated even if you were still wearing it." Hana yanked the material out of his barely-clotted wound. He hissed in pain. Her frown was spectacularly like Tsume's as she studied the deep laceration that flayed open the right side of his ribcage. The edges were swollen and cherry-red, and the wound itself coated with a pungent, thick yellow slime. Blood also welled up, now that she had disturbed the scab. "Good grief, Kakashi! Was getting stabbed by the enemy not enough? Did you have to roll around in a pile of manure before coming home, too?"

"It was a metal-studded whip, actually," Kakashi replied defensively. "And who knows where it was before me." He decided it was best not to mention that exploding tags had been attached to the metal studs. Or that the enemy shinobi could also make poison drip off the end of the whip. Or that they had wrestling in a stagnant swamp, because the enemy had some weird bloodline limit where he exuded oil from his pores, making it insanely difficult to get a grip. It was the unsexiest mud wrestling that Kakashi had ever been apart of, and the sooner he could forget, the better. Hana could probably smell all of that just from the odors clinging to his clothes.

Kakashi gritted his teeth and whined as Hana liberally poured Tsume's sake over the wound. "Why do you hate me? What did I ever do to my cute little sister to be so abused like this?" The blond kid patted Kakashi's knee in sympathy again.

"Shut up. You embarrassed me in front of…" Hana's voice trailed off as she blushed bright red. Kakashi was prevented from exploiting his sister's crush when the kitchen door swung open. The blond kid ducked out of sight beneath the kitchen table as Tsume's third foster son, Yakushi Kabuto, entered the kitchen. Kabuto removed his glasses as the warm air made them immediately fog. He blinked in surprise at Kakashi and Hana as six puppies surged forward to greet him with sloppy kisses.

"Oh, Kabuto-chan!" Kakashi raised a weak hand and waved. "You've come just in time to save me from our wicked little sister!" Kakashi dropped his hand when the Third Hokage, Sarutobi Hiruzen, followed Kabuto into the kitchen and gently closed the door behind.

Hana straightened immediately, her face filling with worry. "Hokage-sama! Good morning!"

Pakkun glanced between Kakashi and the Hokage and then retreated under the table. It suddenly occurred to Kakashi that one shouldn't attempt standing in ceremony for the Hokage when one's fly is still undone. Since the world swam too much for him to stand, sitting with his fly open was socially acceptable, right? Kakashi tried to be subtle as he pulled the sipper up.

The Hokage smiled gently at everyone – although the gentleness had a brittle edge when he turned the smile on to Kakashi. "Good morning, Hana-chan, Kakashi-san." And then, stooping, he waved at the little figure beneath the kitchen table. "And you, too, Naruto-chan." A bony little hand emerged from the shadows long enough to wave back. The puppies surged at the Hokage, just as slobbery with him as they had been for Kabuto. No one said anything as the Hokage removed his winter cloak, hung it in the coat closet, and seated himself in the chair that Hana offered.

"Ah. I see that your first aid is coming along very nicely," he told Hana.

Hana beamed with an uncertain pride. "Thanks, Hokage-sama… am I late for the Academy? I thought I still had plenty of time!"

"Not at all, my dear, not at all. I just needed a word with your mother and figured if I saw her before my day started, I wouldn't forget what I wanted to say. No, please, don't get her up now for me. I'm perfectly willing to wait for her the entire day in this pleasantly warm kitchen, instead of my icy-cold office. You wouldn't want that for this poor old man, would you?"

The Hokage withdrew his pipe and tobacco from his robes. "Besides, my pen is probably frozen, so I wouldn't be able to do any paperwork. I should just take the day off when I'm done here." He turned cool eyes back to Kakashi, who was hoping that he looked pathetic enough in his sickness to be granted pitiful mercy from the Hokage. "Mmmm, yes. Fine work indeed for a wound that would otherwise require immediate attention from a skilled medic in the hospital." He pointed with his pipe's stem as Kabuto leaned forward and inspected Kakashi's wound with a curious expression. "But you appear to have missed a spot there with the sake. Now, this is what you'll need to do next…"

The God of Shinobi is a merciless son-of-a-bitch, Kakashi thought vehemently.

Kabuto and Hana's faces lit with an unholy glee at the Hokage's instructions, and didn't change as they scrubbed the wound clean ("Really, Kakashi, you should fuss less and be proud of your contribution to the education of our future med nin, especially when they not yet even out of the Academy!"), packed it with gauze that had been soaked in a mixture of diluted honey, and wrapped his torso so tightly that breathing was probably just an option. Then they sponge-bathed his face and limbs not-so-gently.

"I already gave him a shot of penicillin," Hana was happy to report. She was also explicit in describing where it was administered as Kabuto ruthlessly divested Kakashi of his pants (ah man, he worked so hard to get them zippered up and buttoned, too) and then forced him into a nightshirt that Tsume had temporarily loaned Naruto before Hana switched Naruto into Kiba's old pajamas. Kakashi wasn't sure he approved of wearing Naruto and Tsume's scents at the same time. It made him even more uncomfortable than being stripped nearly-naked in front of the Hokage.

By this time, all the puppies had settled back into sleepy piles around the Hokage and Kakashi's feet, and Naruto was snoring away in the Hokage's lap, the cup ramen still clutched in his hands. "Excellent job, children," the Hokage said around his pipe as smoke trailed from it. "You two continue to have all the makings of fine, skilled med nin. Even my dear student, Tsunade-hime, would be proud of you. Now – after cleaning the wound and dressing it to prevent further contamination, what would be the next important task for our young guinea pig here?"

"Food?" Hana asked.

Kabuto shook his head. "Sleep."

"Both are important, but Kakashi-san here can't eat when he's asleep. And since he's halfway to that stage, it's best to let his body rest and heal itself. In bed."

Hana's expression was evil again. "Mom said to put all the pups into her bed before I left for the Academy."

The Hokage puffed for a moment, and then echoed, "All the puppies?"

"All the puppies."

"I find it best for everyone's health and wellbeing to go with the passing whims of Inuzuka Tsume." The Hokage tapped his hand against Kuromaru's head. With a cloud of chakra, Kuromaru was henged into a hairier version of Kakashi. "I'll respect the adults' privacy and stay here, so you'll need to help Kakashi along," he told Kuromaru. Then he helped fill Hana and Kabuto's arms with eleven sleeping puppies and two snoring three year olds. Nagumi trailed after them. The Hokage reseated himself as Pakkun emerged from the shadows beneath the table.

"Right, so you're going to unload everyone into Tsume-sama's bed, knowing that he's here? I think I'll take my chances with the wolves," Pakkun muttered, and then retreated to the kennels with his tail tucked between his legs.

oOoOoOo

Kakashi thought that Kuromaru did a pretty good job walking upright – better than Kakashi was doing, at any rate. Stairs were really such a tricky, complicated thingamabob, like latches. Tsume's eyes flickered open as Kuromaru shoved open the bedroom door. She yawned and pulled the blankets back, revealing a strangely familiar-looking robe she was half-wrapped in instead of the usual nightshirt that Kakashi now wore. Kuromaru wasn't kind when he dropped Kakashi onto the mattress, especially after Kakashi tripped over the complicated pillows strewn everywhere on the floor. As soon as Kakashi bounced, the henge dispersed. "Did you skip the hospital again?" Tsume asked knowingly. Kuromaru nudged Kakashi's limp arm onto the mattress. Kakashi carefully rolled over on his side to face Tsume.

"Ow."

"You'd think after being patched up twice before by Hana and Kabuto that you'd've learned your lesson." She kept the covers pulled back until Hana dropped Naruto in between Kakashi and Tsume. She stiffed slightly as the blond kid curled up in a ball and pressed icy-cold feet against her breast.

"Ugh."

Tsume scooted back on the mattress away from the cold feet – and physical contact with the jinchuuriki, Kakashi suspected. She then carefully drew the covers forward and tucked them around Kakashi. Oh – she gave him the warm spot and the pillow! What a wonderful, loving, sweet foster mother he had, and the greatest aunt in the whole world. Much nicer than those evil foster siblings spawned from the third circle of hell… A masculine voice grunted as Kabuto wordlessly shoved Kiba under the covers on the other side of Tsume. The puppies were gently piled on top of the blankets, and were soon joined by Kuromaru and Nagumi climbing onto the bed.

"You need a bigger bed," the masculine voice muttered just as Tsume waved goodbye to the departing Hana and Kabuto. Neither of whom looked particularly surprised at Tsume's nocturnal companion.

("So how was your sleepover last night with the Aburame, Kabuto?"

"It wasn't a sleepover! Hisoka and I were studying together for midterms. I didn't have to come back home to walk you to class, you know.")

Gosh, Kakashi thought once he realized that the masculine voice meant that there had already been someone else warming Tsume's bed – and not because Tsume had to have been cold at the moment. This is terribly awkward. Especially when the masculine voice revealed itself to be Shimura Danzo, who glared one-eyed at Kakashi from the other side of Tsume's bare shoulder. Kakashi's brain may have been half-melted from the fever, but he knew when an alpha male was reminding lesser mortals of their place on the food chain.

Danzo was at the absolute top. Kakashi ranked somewhere between a carrot and a head of lettuce.

Tsume crooned as she reached across Naruto and pressed Kakashi's eye shut. Naruto, despite being asleep, somehow managed to take advantage of Tsume's raised arm to snuggle closer to her with his cup ramen. "Sleep, my sweet. You're safe here."

Kakashi would've panicked if he didn't feel like a raw piece of meat that had been fought over by a herd of bloodthirsty wolverines. And he was probably much safer if he was weaponless and knee-deep in the stagnant swamp that the oil-dripping, whip-wielding ninja had ambushed him two days earlier. He was in the same bed as Shimura Danzo. (Oh no – was Danzo naked? Please don't let him be naked. Kakashi was too young to be very quietly assassinated and have his body dumped somewhere that even Tsume wouldn't be able to sniff out.) His voice sounded weak in his ears as he used the last of his energy to convince Danzo that he wanted no part in this. "I think this is supposed to be socially unacceptable."

Tsume arched backwards against Danzo. "Bah. We're social. One out of two isn't bad."

Kakashi had nothing to say to that; he immediately fell asleep.