Author's notes:

Dogs' sense of smell overpowers our own by orders of magnitude—it's 10,000 to 100,000 times as acute, scientists say. "Let's suppose they're just 10,000 times better," says James Walker, former director of the Sensory Research Institute at Florida State University, who, with several colleagues, came up with that jaw-dropping estimate during a rigorously designed, oft-cited study. "If you make the analogy to vision, what you and I can see at a third of a mile, a dog could see more than 3,000 miles away and still see as well.
Dogs' dazzling sense of smell, by Peter Johnson (available at the PBS website)

Dude. Kishomoto totally missed the train on Kakashi's or Kiba's Super Power, since their noses are, like, 1000x stronger than a ninken. I think I'd prefer that over the Hyuuga vision.

I, on the other hand, can barely smell a 10 day corpse. True story. I even vacuumed the living room without noticing how bad the odor was.

Sakumo is what happens when you cross empathy with synesthesia. It's not really a bloodline limit; it's just how Sakumo perceives people's emotions. Also, Kokoro is Anko's aunt. The Mitarashi family tree is one in which the fruit doesn't fall far from the branches. In their case, the fruit also explodes on contact, attempting to kill as many innocent bystanders and hungry animals as possible.

o-o-o

o-o-o-o

o-o-o-o-o

As the sun set on the day of the Academy graduation, Tsume was found on the embankment of the Naka River. She looked like a hedgehog gone sour, her untamed hair poking wildly in all directions. She sat on the grass beside Kuromaru, knees drawn up to her chest, and threw pebbles into the water. She watched as the ripples spread out from the pebble and slowly swept downstream. When the ripples were out of sight, she threw another. Her little blue heart sunk with every pebble.

She didn't look up as Sakumo, carrying little Kakashi in a sling across his chest, sat down beside her, although Kuromaru lifted his eyes and let his tail thump once in acknowledgement. Kakashi was tinkering with a Rubik cube, frustrated that he was unable to get all the colors lined up as immediately as his father had. "I saw some of your clan at the ceremonies, but I didn't see you," Sakumo said gently, crouching on the side opposite from Korumaru.

Tsume pressed her forehead against her knees and crossed her feet, toes over toes.

"I know how disappointed you must be. You studied very hard."

She tried not to breathe, because breathing would make her cry. Kuromaru whined and nudged her elbow with his wet nose.

"On the bright side, this gives you a lot of extra time to study for a successful graduation next year, and I'll be accepting a genin team then. I wouldn't mind having you on my team."

"'Mmm not going."

"What's that?"

She raised her face, starkly bare as always of her clan's markings, and stared at the river. "Grandmother said that she's not going to spend any more money to let a mush-for-brains simpleton go through the Academy and fail again, and even if I did graduate I'd still be useless, because I'd get killed fetching a cat or something dumb on a D-rank mission before getting into a war zone."

Sakumo remained patiently silent. After stewing in her frustrations, Tsume's next words came bursting out. "I don't get it – it's all these stupid, worthless numbers! What kind of enemy nin is just going to let you stand there while you whip out a piece of a paper to calculate the velocity of the wind against the force of your thrown kunai to see how you need to turn it so many degrees with so much added force in order to strike him? And the Shinobi Rules are just stupid, sitting there and saying that shinobi should never show their emotions – that's just a big fat lot of uselessness right there, because no matter how good you hide your emotions from me, I'm always going to be able to smell them!"

Tsume buried her face back in her knees again and tried valiantly not to cry. She wasn't successful; her heart cried too.

Sakumo rubbed her back until her sobbing turned into sniffles. "So, if you can't go through the Academy and try again, what are you going to do?"

"I don't know." And she truly didn't. As long as her great-grandmother was the Clan Head and Queen Alpha Bitch, everyone was going to treat Tsume in virtually the same manner. Which meant that she wouldn't get any training of any sorts outside of the few clanswomen who had taken Tsume under their wings. "Maybe I can talk Aunt Natsumi into an apprenticeship." Inuzuka Natsumi did her own thing with an ongoing independent study (Hidarime called it "a lifelong obsession, really,") without regard to the Clan Head, and was nice to Tsume, but Sakumo knew that Natsumi wasn't quite all there in manner or appearance, and that's hard to beat when your standards were the ANBU, home of shinobi not quite all there in manner or appearance.

"Well, what if someone else paid for your ongoing Academy lessons?"

"I can't afford them. And I don't know if I'd be able to go back even if you're paying, if that's what you're offering. What if Grandmother's right? What if I fuck up all over again and waste your money?"

He frowned at her heart's uncertainty and mistrust. "Well, aside from how I've got lots of money to waste, because there's no place to spend it at the warfront… What if you did pass and graduate? Wouldn't it be worth it then?"

"I'm a failure – a useless meat shield. I can't do anything right."

Sakumo sighed at that, and then stood. "Nothing I say will change your mind, so I'll let someone else say it. Come with me." When she didn't move, he grabbed her beneath her armpits and hauled her upright. Then, just because Tsume shouldn't be such a somber person, he dug his fingers into her ribcage.

She shrieked with laughter and kicked him in the shin.

Tsume was still morose and silent as she followed him, but her eyes got wider and wider as they approached what was supposed to be a nondescript building – a minor post for ANBU, which in reality was the headquarters for Torture and Interrogation. Even if she didn't know what the building truly was, she was catching the scents associated with torture, and the known shinobi who dealt with such. Tsume stopped in the middle of the street. "I… I don't think I'm supposed to be here."

"At first, I thought that Danzo might be able to say something that would make a larger impact on you, except he's currently in Wind." Sakumo wasn't quite sure why Danzo was interested in Tsume except that she had impressed him with her "sheer and utter dumb luck" – she was too undisciplined, too emotional, too unpredictable for Danzo's preference in ninjas, people, or anything really, even if she had an exceptional Inuzuka nose. Of course, Danzo also expressed that Sakumo's one saving grace was that Sakumo was good enough to get himself out of the scrapes he inadvertently got tangled in. Sakumo was also very careful never to let Danzo realize that he got into half of those scrapes because it riled Danzo hilariously so.

Danzo's intentions didn't strike Sakumo as… not exactly honorable? Less than trustworthy? Sakumo found it hard to clarify his suspicions toward Danzo's interest. Really, were it anyone else asking about the letters that Tsume addressed to Sakumo in the battlefront, one would think it was due to homesickness, and wanting that little bit of normalcy from home. But this was Shimura Danzo – Sakumo's ANBU squad leader, one of the strongest shinobi in all of Konoha, and a man whose mind was a cold, reptilian steel trap. Danzo lived an austere life influenced by an even more austere philosophy – one that could put the samurai of the Land of Iron to shame. Surely he had better things to do in the middle of a battle in Wind against a battalion of puppeteers than inquire after innocent, easily-influenced ten-year-old girls.

For now though, especially since Danzo so often had his back, Sakumo was willing to wait and watch silently, especially when Tsume's heart gave a fluttery little skip whenever Danzo was mentioned. "And it's just as well, I suppose, when I realized that he would tell you that if you wanted to give up on being a kunoichi, then you were absolutely right about being a failure." He wanted to add more, but Tsume's fallen face made him feel like he had kicked a puppy. "So, instead, I brought you to Jiraiya-san and Orochimaru-san. They came back from the front to talk specifically to you, and I shouldn't have to explain what an honor that is. They wouldn't do that for anyone who's useless or stupid."

She shuffled back a few steps. Hope was starting to sing. "I don't wanna. Jiraiya-san wanted me to come see him after I graduated. But I didn't. So I can't."

Shame and guilt tried to sing louder than hope. Tsume wasn't scared, but no one can do guilt and shame better than a dog who realizes how much they disappointed their Pack. "It's not that. He said he needed your nose for something. So, come on. We can't keep busy men like Jiraiya-san and Orochimaru-san waiting."

She grumbled and kicked at the dirt as he pulled her across the nearly-empty street. "Jiraiya's a perv. I bet he's used to waiting."

Inside T&I, where the first level was filled with bright lamps and lanterns, Sakumo had to endure lighthearted ribbing about "this ain't take-your-kid-to-work day!" as he and Tsume identified themselves, and then waited until a masked escort arrived with a couple of hoods.

"Don't bother," Sakumo told him as the escort advanced upon them. "They're just going to sniff everything out."

"Rules are rules," their masked escort replied stoically. Tsume and Kuromaru held still as he pulled the hoods over their heads. Alter a moment of hesitation (in which the masked escort took one step towards Kakashi, and Sakumo tensed in clear warning), the escort led them down the bright hall, past a few locked meeting rooms, and in through a door that was slightly ajar. Jiraiya brightened when he saw his visitors. Then he frowned. Behind him, Orochimaru lurked silent and watchful in the shadows.

"You hooded an Inuzuka and her dog? That was superfluous. At least you had the sense to keep your hands off the White Fang's son."

The escort's stoic expression and body posture didn't change, but Tsume gave him a glare once the hood as removed. "Was that really necessary for just taking me down the hallway, Hyuuga-san?" she demanded.

He sneered at her. "Civilians aren't even allowed inside this building, and you don't even have your forehead protector yet." She stuck her tongue out at his departing back. Sakumo seated himself in a wooden chair behind the door after he closed it, and brought out a bento. Kakashi was happy to forgo his Rubik cube in favor of an offered meal.

Jiraiya rubbed his hands with barely-contained excitement, and then riffled through his pockets. "Excellent, excellent. The other Inuzuka we tried told us they couldn't smell much of anything beyond the blood, so I've pinned my hopes on this working."

"I didn't pass, sir."

Jiraiya froze in the midst of removing a scroll from the inside pocket of his vest. Then he shrugged. "I didn't pass my first time either. And when I did, I got stuck on the same team as that ass, over there." He gestured rudely at Orochimaru, who narrowed his golden eyes slightly in irritation. "Don't worry about it, kid – there'll be times in your life that you'd wish you remained young and innocent like this forever. Here." He gestured her close as he laid the scroll down on the surface of his cluttered desk. "I want you to tell me all about the environment you can smell on this. I sealed it up so it wouldn't get more contaminated with other scents."

Jiraiya broke the seal. In the middle of a scroll was a bloody, detached sleeve. "In Grass Country, there's this exclusive set of trackers that have been able to follow us and alert Iwa to our movement before we can strike at any of their posts. So we want to counterattack. Problem is, we have to find this set of people before we can counter them, and that's where we need your nose. If we can narrow the location down to this group's likeliest station or hideaway, then Orochimaru and his team here can wipe them out, and then be able to advance our forces further north of the border."

She stepped close, her nose wrinkling. "It stinks."

"Trust me, kid. Soap and loofas are luxuries in warzones."

Tsume froze in mid-reach. "Can I touch it?"

He waved. "Do whatever you think needs to be done. If this doesn't work, I have to toss it anyway."

Tsume pinched the cloth, stiff and sticky, gingerly between two fingers and lifted it close. Then she rolled it a few times with several sniffs. "It's over by Waterfall – not in Waterfall, but close," she said. "Tobacco fields?" She looked at him for affirmation. Jiraiya shrugged somewhat carelessly, but remained silent. She sniffed a few more times. "Well, removing the smell of the Yamanaka female's blood from the equation and other Konoha nin, it smells like this guy's from Iwa. And he regularly hangs with three other people, another from Iwa and two from Kusa. The two from Iwa are male, Kusa's female. They're all older than him, and one's a vegetarian of some sort. They're mainly in a damp cave, and the soil is going to be really rocky – there's not a lot of clay or mud, so it's going to be close to a river, and not near any swamps. They're really close to a pine forest – probably surrounded by one. And there should be a large clover field not very far away – I don't know the distance, I'm really bad about that sort of stuff. He also has sex with boys."

Orochimaru stepped out of the shadows. He leaned forward with a hungry look in his eyes. His heart felt just as hungry to Sakumo – empty, gray, a void that couldn't be filled. "Are you sure? There's a small village that has been reporting abductions of young boys."

"Oh, you can tell, all right. Or I can. Young ones that haven't hit puberty yet. There's a general shift of pheromones when second, uh, secondary sex traits emerge, I think is how Grandmother calls it. Wherever their cave is, they have to travel through tobacco and clover fields to get to it, and they don't use camp fires. Those are all the big smells. Does that help?"

Orochimaru retreated back into the shadows, fingers lightly touching his lips in thought. "A cave where the soil conditions are poor but not far from a river, in the middle of a pine forest that's close to tobacco and clover fields, within a reasonable distance of that village, which is situated close to Waterfall... That will narrow the search down to a very limited number of places." His eyes rolled over to her, expression slightly awed. His heart was dark, cold, and carefully shrouded. "Jiraiya wasn't exaggerating when he said your sense of smell is truly exceptional."

"Magnificent, isn't it?" Jiraiya resealed the bloody sleeve inside the scroll again, and then sat down on the floor. "You even identified the clan of the woman who bled all over this." He patted the floor beside him. "Come here – I need to talk to you about the Academy."

Face flushed with remembered guilt, Tsume carefully knelt in front of Jiraiya. Kuromaru half-climbed into her lap, even though he already weighed better than fifteen kilos. She hugged him close.

"You need – no, scratch that. Let me see your grades, first."

Tsume reluctantly handed Jiraiya the wrinkled sheet of paper that had been jammed deep into one of her pockets, and he read it out loud. "Lessee, C in taijutsu, with a comment from a teacher talking about how your form is reckless, you don't follow directions very well, and… you deliberately attempted to maim another student? What was that all about?"

"That's a lie 'cause I followed directions very well! It was a one-on-one, no-holds barred taijutsu spar against Uchiha Moto, and I kicked him in the balls when he got me into a headlock. I won the fight fair and square, I did, but they told me the move was illegal and it caused a forfeit."

"Balls!" Kakashi echoed with a gigantic grin, eager to be part of the conversation. Sakumo brushed stubbornly-clinging rice grains from Kakashi's chubby cheeks, and momentarily basked in the gentle white glow of a heart that love unconditionally.

"You kicked an Uchiha…" Jiraiya's knees tightened together as he cleared his throat. Orochimaru chuckled.

"Apparently," Sakumo said with too much cheer, "the blow ruptured a testicle."

"It was no-holds barred!" Tsume was indignant. "How can you have an illegal move in a no-holds barred fight, and no one even tell you what those illegal moves are?"

Jiraiya coughed. "Well, seems to me like it would be a reasonable misunderstanding. Now, ninjutsu, C, not bad. You have some difficulty memorizing the hand seals and their correct sequences. Regular curriculum fair to middling – F in math?"

"Stupid little numbers."

Kakashi patted his father's cheek. "…stupid…"

"Comment here says that you also have no concept of the Shinobi Rules."

"Who cares about whether you can show emotions or not? I can smell them no matter what your face looks like. Besides, my sister Hidarime-chan said that some rules are meant to be broken, and if I'm going to break them, what's the point of knowing them?"

Jiraiya nodded his head in sage agreement. "I am totally with you, kid. I, too, believe that rules are mere suggestions, instead of-"

"Men staying out of the women's side of the hot springs is not a suggestion," Tsume cut in, her face set. "Like you didn't, yesterday."

Jiraiya stuttered for a moment, paused long enough to send a dark look at Orochimaru, who was doing a poor job at hiding an amused smile, and then firmly told Tsume, "I was on a very important information-gathering mission that, by pure and utter coincidence only, put me within the general vicinity." Jiraiya had a good heart, all warm and golden, that grew larger with every person whose life he touched. It wasn't an innocent heart by far, but certainly good, steadfast, and genuine.

Tsume had a devious note in her voice. "For six hours, sensei?"

Kakashi shook a finger and clicked his tongue. "Bad."

"Er – we're not discussing about me and my missions. We're talking about you. Clever way to distract, though, especially when employing Kakashi over here. Almost had me going. Anyway, your entire score average for the written exam was a C, which should've put you in passing, even if you flunked on the math and the Shinobi Rules, and it says that you passed the practical exam. How come you did so well with geography?"

"Because I remember what places smell like. I don't remember the smell of Shinobi Rules, except in the meta, uh, metaphorical way that they stink. They're just stupid, is all."

"…stupid…"

"Look, kid, let me tell you something." Jiraiya crumpled her results up in a ball and tossed it carelessly over his shoulder. Orochimaru sidestepped the balled up paper before it could bounce off his crossed arms. Then Jiraiya pulled Tsume close and bumped his head against hers, as if revealing a rare secret. Kuromaru wriggled, tail wagging and tongue lolling, until he managed to envelope both Tsume and Jiraiya's laps just as their hearts overlapped – Jiraiya's warm and golden, Tsume's gentle blue and curious. "All those people, those smartass geniuses, the ones who get it right immediately and graduate without a problem? They're going to turn into shit at their first failure. They're used to succeeding, see, and they don't know how to deal when they lose. A battlefield or a mission is not the place where you want your comrade to be falling apart because you have to cover their ass in addition to your own. You and me, now? We're used to failing. We know what it's like to pick ourselves back up out of the mud, spit out our loose teeth, and go swinging back into the fight before our opponent realizes that we don't have the shame to stay down. I've seen it, time and time again, out there in the real world."

Sakumo listened to four hearts, one little blue heart softly singing hope, the other responding with an orchestra of acceptance; one steel-gray and ravenous, the other brand new and white with extraordinary love and adoration for all.

"On the flipside, there's the endless defeatist, the one whose negativity sucks away all hope and purpose for succeeding. Because they've failed for so often and for so long, they simply can't believe that they can ever do anything right, or ever succeed at anything. And since they've never succeeded, no one else should be allowed to, and they'll drag everyone down with them. It's those extremes that nearly got me killed. The people who think they can do no wrong, and the people who think they can do no right – they create fallacies that destroy everyone who get sucked in.

"Now, I know your great-grandmother is this black hole of negativity that sucks away all enjoyment in life. She's one of those naysayers who will never see you getting anything right. You can work your tail off and kill yourself trying to please her, but the sad thing is, it'll never be enough, no matter how successful you become. Someone like her has such an unbending spine that she'd die before admitting otherwise. Don't waste your life going in that direction, because she's not going to live forever, and you still want something to show yourself when she's dead and gone. I want you to go back to the Academy. We really need someone like you once you graduate."

She hunched, looking small and vulnerable in the crook of his arm. Guilt and shame were screaming. "Grandmother said she's not going to pay for it."

"I will," Sakumo said. And then he added, "It's not a free gift, Tsume-chan. I'm rotating to the front of the lines in Wind again, and that's going to take me away for months at a time over the next year. I need someone I trust to watch over Kakashi. I was hoping to talk you into staying at my home and babysitting, and in return I'll cover your expenses with the Academy."

"You don't have to pay me to watch Kakashi, Sakumo-senpai!"

"Your great-grandmother is less likely to refuse if she knows the Academy payment is made in exchange of honest labor." Sakumo knew it wasn't going to be that easy though, which was why he had every intention of making the arrangements directly with the Hokage and Tsume's sire without any mention to the Clan Head. Inuzuka Shinzou was very displeased with Tsume's ongoing open relationship with her nephew and Sakumo, even unhappier knowing that Hidarime saw the Hatakes on the sly whenever she was in Konoha, and most likely only reluctantly allowed both to continue because she spent too much time in Rain to intervene.

"Great thinking," Jiraiya said. Then he laughed and rubbed his knuckles against Tsume's scalp, pinning her to prevent her escape. Guilt and shame were finally silenced, and her little blue heart was fluttering around like an inquisitive hummingbird. "See, kid, you'll graduate next year no problem, and then I'm going to put that magnificent nose of yours to work!"

"Do me a favor, Tsume-chan." Orochimaru's voice was soft. "Go fetch Yamanaka Yuu and bring him back – he should be on the second level."

Her face split into a wide grin; the look Jiraiya gave Orochimaru as he dropped his hands away was unnoticed by Tsume, but Sakumo filed it away in his brain. Kuromaru jumped off her lap barking, and she stood upright, fist-pumping the air. "Yessir, Orochimaru-sama!" There were shouts of dismay and surprise as she and Kuromaru dashed out of the room and down the hallway.

Sakumo gently placed the protesting Kakashi on the floor, and then watched in amusement as the toddler eagerly followed after his aunt with only a little wobble in his awkward run, calling out, "Me too, me too!"

"They're such gutsy little things, our shinobi," Jiraiya said with a sad smile. Sakumo felt the sadness echo in his own heart – little things they may be, but that would change in just a few short years, when their bright innocence and faith would be transformed into cynical stubbornness. He wished their hearts would forever remain pure.

"That was a good speech," Sakumo told Jiraiya as they heard more shouts of dismay at the sight of Kakashi. "Corny, but very heartfelt."

"Wasn't it though?" Jiraiya perked up. "I ought to write a book just to use that speech again."

The door was kicked open even though it was slightly ajar already, and Yamanaka Yuu stormed in with Kakashi tucked under one arm and Tsume tucked under the other. Kuromaru followed after, growling at Yuu's heels. Both children kicked and squirmed.

"I found him!" Tsume yelled triumphantly, waving her hand like she was in class.

Kakashi giggled and flapped his arms and legs. "Me too! Me too!"

"Good job, kids."

After Sakumo and the two small gutsy ninja-in-training departed, Jiraiya turned to Yuu with a serious expression. "My deepest condolences for the loss of your niece, Rei."

Yuu's face was tight, and he looked at the wall above Jiraiya's head, opposite of Orochimaru. His light blue eyes were carefully blank. "She died honorably."

Orochimaru stepped forward and perched on the edge of the desk. He folded his arms and considered Yuu with a cool expression. "Indeed, she did. It wasn't a total loss when she was killed with that sleeve in her hand, even if it wasn't her original goal."

When Yuu said nothing, Jiraiya sighed and ran his hands through his shaggy white hair. "The problem is that she asked questions. All of the kunoichi we've sent and lost on this mission asked questions and snooped around. I had thought that with the clan's techniques, she could be subtle, but even that wasn't enough."

"She will be the last we send," Orochimaru added with a slow shake of his head. "For the interim – or as long as we can hold out." Yuu's gaze finally turned on Orochimaru. "But now there is another possibility we can use, even if it's not for another few years. Still, in the next year, do whatever it takes – use your mind techniques if you have to and implant the memories yourself – to make Inuzuka Tsume memorize the Shinobi Rules and ANBU's sign communication."

As Yuu's expression became horrified, Jiraiya was quick to say, "We're not planning anything for the next few years." But the look he gave Orochimaru was one of nervous doubt.

oOoOoOo

In retrospect, the Academy teachers deeply regretted their mistake in failing Inuzuka Tsume when she wound up in the same year as Uzumaki Kushina and Mitarashi Kokoro. Singularly, any one of the girls was an energetic handful eagerly looking for problems to get into. Tsume had a nose that was better at sniffing her into trouble than out, coupled with a complete and utter lack of fear. Kushina had a temper to match her red hair, ambitions bigger than Tsume's harebrained schemes, and the energy and chakra to back up said harebrained schemes. Kokoro, like her four older brothers, was bloodthirsty, cunning, and basked delightfully in the pain and suffering of others, the opportunities of such provided through the combined efforts of Kushina and Tsume.

They also genuinely liked each other, so it was more than just a show of lethal force against a class that seemed equally united against the three. It was the blooming of a friendship usually experienced just once in a lifetime. The newness in exploring trust and teaming up together. The improvement of Tsume's battered self-esteem because two intelligent girls thought she was just as smart as they were.

The start of many new, somewhat unfortunate, records.

To date, they were the only three students whom the Hokage ever had to place a lifetime ban against attending any of the kunoichi-only classes. Kushina had hotly demanded to know about the purpose flower arrangements, "Because I'd sooner jab out my targets' eyes than seduce them, believe it!" Then Kokoro slyly pointed out that the rose stems could be used to jab out eyes given enough force and velocity – perhaps even used to skewer other body parts. Tsume, sulky and bored with repeating the class, then felt such a hypothesis should be tested, and lo – the arsenal was readily available at that very moment!

The Unholy Trio were happy to discover that flowers could indeed qualify as very effective weapons if one applied enough force and chakra, so the class wasn't a complete washout, even when they wound up washing blackboards until midnight (Kakashi slept curled up against Kuromaru beneath the teacher's desk, waiting for his aunt to finish). The parents, on the other hand, were not pleased with having to fetch their daughters from the hospital instead of the Academy. Teachers threatened the Hokage early retirement/abrupt sabbatical if something wasn't done.

oOoOoOo

"Good for them," Danzo said in approval when Sakumo told him and other Konoha ninja forces on break, all crammed into Sakumo's tent to read the Ongoing Adventures of the Unholy Trio And Their Cute Mascots – also known as Tsume and Kushina's frequent letters to the battlefront. Everyone present was battered, bloody, and all desperately looking for a little bit of cheer. They all readily agreed that Tsume and Kushina were excellent sources of entertainment and local gossip. "I've always thought that the kunoichi-only ikebana classes were exercises in uselessness." Danzo was the only one with elbow room in the tent – mainly because he had a very large invisible bubble of personal space that everyone but Sakumo deeply respected.

Sakumo reread the sloppy, barely-eligible writing as the surrounding forces chuckled. "One should never overlook the resourcefulness of a woman scorned. I don't think I would've considered using floral arrangements as deadly weapons."

oOoOoOo

But as the pendulum swings to one side, so it must swing to the other. No longer allowed to attend the kunoichi-only classes, the three girls had to make do with the boys' outdoor taijutsu class as the kunoichi-only classes took place indoors. Against the boys, the girls teamed up with each other once again. The consequences of this led to another lifetime ban, against using any kicks or blows to the genitals. Tsume pointed out that nowhere in the written rules did it actually say that such moves were illegal, no matter what had been verbalized to her the year before (Kokoro actually double-checked the Academy Rules and Regulations of Classroom Conduct). "A kunoichi," Tsume said primly to the Hokage, "must use all her wits and advantages."

"Well, since it needs to be written, you are all going to witness history taking place." The Hokage wrote the rule into the official Academy guidelines and signed it, before the entire class. "Gender-neutral," he added, "so the girls don't get kicked down there either." He was seated at the teacher's desk with his knees tightly pressed together where no one could see. "Really though, it's the principle of the manner. We can't have our students maiming each other before they even have the chance to graduate. There's a reason why we give you dull weapons to run around with." Not to mention that the students were needed to breed a new generation of shinobi if they ever managed to survive to adulthood.

"Then tell them to stop punching me in the boobs!" Tsume yelled, no longer prim. And she socked Namikaze Minato in the jaw when he turned around in his seat to face her and accurately pointed out that she had no boobs in which to be punched.

However, the Hokage refused to condone "Punching girls in the mammary glands is illegal" per Kokoro's suggestion, prompting Kushina to exclaim that this was sexism and all clearly designed to give shinobi a step up over kunoichi. "Hardly surprising, given that you all wanted to arm us with flowers, instead of kunai like the boys! When I become Hokage, I'm eliminating that course from the Academy's education, believe it."

The Hokage considered alternatives for the Unholy Trio as he retreated to the relative safety of his office, deciding that the teachers could (mostly) effectively handle the riot the girls were trying to incite, bless their dark little hearts. They would make fine – albeit ruthless – lawyers if their careers as kunoichi didn't pan out.

oOoOoOo

Tsume knew and understood that Kakashi was her responsibility, even when she was in school. Which meant that she had to make daytime arrangements for Kakashi when she couldn't take care of him, and so she settled for asking her great-aunt, Natsumi (who was actually several greats, as she was Grandmother Shinzou's only surviving sister). Even though Aunt Natsumi's sense of smell was long gone from a disfiguring attack, her brain injured, and her mind broken in the grief of losing her twin daughters and ninken in the same attack, her eyes were still sharp.

"And's who's this?" Aunt Natsumi asked with a dangerous glare. Her face, like Tsume's, was bare of any clan markings. Unlike Tsume, this was a deliberate choice.

"This is Kakashi-chan," Tsume said with a guileless smile. Then she slapped Kakashi's hand as he tugged uncomfortably at the hem of Cousin Yumi's frilly purple dress that she had stuffed him into. "I was wondering if you wouldn't mind looking after her while I'm in class at the Academy." Most of the Inuzuka clan was gone, working as advanced trackers and scouts for the war in four different nations. Aunt Natsumi also generally kept to herself, in her own little house, away from most of the main living district in the compound as she obsessed over her research on summons. "I promised her father, since she doesn't have a mother, and he's serving at the front." Tsume pinched Kakashi's hand as he reached up and gave the white ribbons in his crooked ponytails an irritated yank.

Kakashi gave Tsume a dirty look. Aunt Natsumi studied him for a moment, and then said, "Well, I could use someone to fetch and carry for me. Bit short though, so leave the other pup so he can pick up the slack."

Tsume didn't want to leave Kuromaru, but he ensured her that their frequent parting would turn out alright, because he already knew what she was reviewing, and besides, he didn't like math either. I don't see why both of us have to be miserable, when only one needs to.

"Make sure that Kakashi stays dressed," she whispered in his ear, just outside of Aunt Natsumi's hearing. "The gig's up if she catches him naked." Good thing she had worked really hard making sure Kakashi was potty-trained over the summer.

oOoOoOo

Danzo picked up Sakumo's letter from where it had fluttered to the sandy ground from lax hands. Sakumo's eyes were wide and his mouth was slack. Then he read the letter out loud to the other shinobi who were tightly bunched shoulder to elbow. Danzo shook his head and chuckled along with the surrounding laughter. "I do believe Tsume is raising your son to be a sexual deviant. This is how deviants start out, yes?"

Sakumo seemed to awake from his shock, and he snatched the letter away from Danzo. "I'm sure you would know the answer to that. She's… it's just… I'm sure it will work out." He looked like he wanted to mope in a dark corner somewhere.

"If it makes you feel better, Sakumo-san, I'm sure that Kakashi-chan makes an adorable little girl. Do you suppose Tsume could get us pictures?"

oOoOoOo

When the Unholy Trio weren't actively making their teachers strongly reconsider the benefits of accepting missions that took them to the war front, or doing errands at the Police Station to pay off fines for disturbing the peace or for being general menaces to society, they were busy with their beloved little mascots. Kuromaru and Kakashi often waited for them at the entrance of the Academy when classes were let out – and then often would enter the Academy upon realizing that the girls must have received detention because they hadn't exited with the rest of the students. Kuromaru and Kakashi didn't have to be with the girls to garner peripheral attention – they did that just fine without any assistance.

oOoOoOo

"Tree walking!" one of the teachers exclaimed with energetic gestures after storming into Hiruzen's office. This particular teacher was an Uchiha, but Hiruzen couldn't remember the man's name. After a few generations, most of the Uchihas started looking alike. Hiruzen briefly considered the consequences of encouraging the Uchihas to breed outside the clan, just to expand their repertoire of hair color, and then decided not to mention anything – it would probably incite a riot or a coup. That, and Kagami would probably take this as a suggestion to introduce his fellow clansmen to unconventional shades of hair dyes. "The Hatake brat is barely walking and he can tree-walk better than most of my students!"

Hiruzen stared at the teacher over the tall stacks of papers that hid most of his desk from view. Only the top of his hat and dark eyes were visible. "I wasn't aware that many of the Academy students could."

"Exactly my point, Hokage-sama." When nothing more was added, Hiruzen suspected that the point was stuck to the Uchiha's head.

"And you're just now noticing this? Inuzuka Tsume has been practicing tree-walking ever since Kakashi was born. He probably learned how to tree-walk at the same time he learned how to walk in general – holding her hand the entire time, no doubt."

The Uchiha glared at Hiruzen with narrowed eyes. "Did you know that the Inuzuka dog babysits the White Fang's son? That Hatake Kakashi is without adult supervision all day long while the Inuzuka brat is getting into trouble?"

That was a little harsh, Hiruzen thought. Granted, Inuzuka Natsumi was unconventional and seemed to be operating under the strange delusion that Kakashi was a little girl (he had yet to figure out why else Kakashi would always be wearing dresses around her) but she still qualified as adult supervision in the strictest sense of the term. After all, he had entrusted Natsumi to help Tsunade-chan train, and it turned out very well!

Hmm. Minus the whole encouragement and reinforcement of Tsunade's violent aggression. Then again, if Hiruzen had wanted someone who would've helped Tsunade develop more ladylike, traditional kunoichi skills, he wouldn't have gone to any of the Inuzuka women.

He considered that it was a shame how his best teachers were needed at the warfronts and the skeletal crew left to run the Academy were… these (not that he'd say anything out loud – it really was fortunate that the Uchiha Police Force was kindly volunteering to fill in needed gaps in the Academy's faculty). But why must the young and the innocent suffer during wars?

On the other hand, Hiruzen considered, Ninja Academy teachers had to be a special breed to give young, reckless adolescents slightly-dull weapons and then supervise the play of said adolescents. It was probably why his teachers were some of the more formable chuunin at the front lines. It also explained why so many were reluctant to return to Konoha.

"My dear boy," Hiruzen said as he grabbed a stack of papers and carefully pulled it close in front of him as a barricade against further interruption, "there are worse things out there in the world than being raised by a pack of wild dogs." Besides, the Unholy Trio weren't exactly a pack, per se. And Hatake Sakumo had to have known what he was getting into when he asked Tsume to care for his son.

oOoOoOo

"I told you so," Sakumo said casually as he patched up his commander's mangled eye socket. Besides the vultures, Sakumo and Danzo were the only living creatures within several kilometers. He had earlier dragged the four bodies of Suna puppeteers into the same sand dune's shade that Danzo was slumped in, careful to cover the bodies with their cloaks out of respect for the dead. Puppet parts were left in the sun, littering the sand hither and yon. "ANBU masks do shit to peripheral vision. That's why I never wear mine. You would've ducked that shrapnel in time if you saw it coming."

Danzo's glare was no less fierce with just one eye – perhaps more so, because his hair was matted and his face covered with a paste of dried blood and sand. The glare from the gray granite barrier surrounding his heart was also brutal. "And yet it's Hatake Sakumo who's in the Bingo Books for what he's done to Suna's puppeteers, not Shimura Danzo. The masks protect our identities."

Sakumo dribbled some water from his canteen on a somewhat clean handkerchief and bent to vigorously scrub Danzo's chin. "I'd rather have two eyes than no identity. Seems kinda superfluous to me, anyway."

Danzo snatched the handkerchief away from Sakumo. "Gimme that. You have the bedside manner of a rock and the gentle touch of a scorpion."

Sakumo flopped down beside Danzo's blind side and took a long pull of warm, stale water from his canteen. "See, my identity as ANBU is safe because no one knows I'm ANBU if I never wear a mask." He handed the canteen to Danzo; he expected Danzo to stiffen because Sakumo was out of his line of vision and had the audacity to barge into his invisible bubble of personal space, but the man actually seemed to relax. It warmed Sakumo to know that Danzo felt safer with Sakumo covering his blind side. Slowly but surely, he was working his way through the booby-trapped maze that Danzo had erected around the black lump that qualified as his heart.

They sat quietly for a moment as Danzo slowly sipped Sakumo's water, each surveying the carnage before them. "You know," Sakumo began, crossing his ankles and resting against the soft sand, "while I don't necessarily like them aimed at me, the puppets really are brilliant, with all those hidden traps, sharp doodads, and dangerous thingamabobs attached. They're like the world's deadliest puzzles."

Danzo barely paused with his sipping. "Don't forget the occasional poison coating those sharp doodads and dangerous thingamabobs that only Tsunade-hime can figure out the antidotes for. They are an admirable force, indeed."

"Right." Sakumo pointed. "Do you think that Chiyo-san would mind if I ran off with some of the more intact puppets over there? Because Kakashi really likes puzzles."

Danzo choked on the water. Sakumo pounded his back until Danzo's coughing ceased. "You – you want to give your not-quite two year old son the 'world's deadliest puzzle'? Are you out of your mind, Hatake?"

Sakumo shrugged. He liked Chiyo's heart, even if she wouldn't even cross a street to piss on him if he were on fire. "Why not? It would make good practice for Kakashi. Okay, so I can always wait until he's older – like five, maybe. What do you think?"

"I think that Inuzuka Tsume has more sense than Kakashi's father, and she's eleven. And that doesn't include the fact that she'd probably enjoy helping Kakashi take the puppets apart. Her youth is an excuse in this case – you have no excuse. Between you both as parental figures, it'll be a miracle that Kakashi doesn't become an emotionally-stunted misbehaving sexual deviant with antisocial tendencies."

Sakumo rubbed his chin in thought. "You think? But it seems to me that all the great shinobi are emotionally-stunted misbehaving sexual deviants with antisocial tendencies – or a combination thereof. Like Jiraiya."

"Hmmm."

"Orochimaru."

Danzo took another sip. "Yes."

"You."

Danzo gave Sakumo a shifted side-glare. "You do realize that I could kill you and always report that it was the puppeteers who did it."

"You're just proving my point, Captain."

Danzo added some more water to his handkerchief and resumed cleaning his face. "Giving the world's deadliest puzzles to two year old sons is misbehaving at best, and arguably an indication of being emotionally stunted."

Sakumo laughed and slapped Danzo on the shoulder, ignoring the dirty look Danzo gave him for the physical contact. There was the tiniest crack in the granite barrier, and contentment was slipping through. "Ahhhh. That's so sweet of you to think of me as a great shinobi. The last time you called me anything, it was a… how did you put it?"

"A fumbling buffoon with too much sand between his ears."

"Right. Well, I feel like our friendship and mutual respect has really grown since then, you know?"

"That was just this morning."

"But sometimes it only takes one great adversity to change one's vision, yes? Although it's probably too literal in your case, Captain."

"When you asked if Chiyo would mind if you absconded with some of her puppets – was that a rhetorical question?" Danzo pinched the bridge of his nose at Sakumo's tentative grin. "Please don't tell me you weren't thinking of writing an actual request. Are you trying to earn yourself an automatic kill-on-sight reaction from that woman? Do you have any idea how that's going to come back and haunt you for years to come?"

"I thought killing Chiyo-san's children already earned me her undying hatred. What's the worst that could happen?"

"You know what? On second thought, please, feel free to collect some souvenirs for your son." Danzo irritably waved his hand at the carnage. "Be proud of any pathological tendencies you might be nurturing in the boy. I know I would if I had to raise or train children."

"You do worry me sometimes, Danzo." Danzo had a heart that cringed in receiving pain, and yet delighted in torturing others. It was as if he deliberately drove people away so he wouldn't suffer from being too close to them.

"Put a sock in it, Sakumo."

"I'm just sayin'. You're not exactly parenting material."

oOoOoOo

"You should go bother someone else," Uchiha Fugaku told Tsume dismissively. He was taller and broader than she was, secure in his age of eighteen years and thusly more superior than the eleven-year-old Tsume. "If you keep following me through the market, I'll have you arrested for stalking and harassment." His newly-acquired police badge gleamed in the bright sunshine.

"You bumped into us," Tsume replied, jabbing a thumb at herself. On her left, Kakashi was astride Kuromaru. Both of them still looked a little dazed after Fugaku had accidentally knocked them over. Kushina and Kokoro looked on in mild interest. Tsume crossed her arms stubbornly in front of herself. "So until you apologize, we're going to keep following you. Right girls?"

Kushina grinned as she nodded her head in agreement. "Believe it!"

Kokoro's expression was sly. "Why exactly did you need the fungal foot cream again, senpai?" she asked Fugaku with a sticky-sweet voice.

Fugaku made an impatient noise and then riffled through his bag. "Figures that I'd be dogged by an Inuzuka today. Here. Fetch!" He procured a red rubber ball and tossed it wide over the market crowd.

Eyes wide with sudden interest, Tsume and Kuromaru mowed through Kokoro and Kushina as Tsume yelled, "Oh! Oh! I've got it!"

Fugaku, cackling about "Simpleton Tsume," flickered away before she could wrestle the ball away from a playfully growling Kuromaru.

Kokoro covered her face in exasperation as Kushina made a face. "Do you ever wonder, if her memory wasn't better, she'd actually remember falling for that same trick twice in the last month?" Kokoro asked. Kushina replied with a wordless shrug.