Would've updated sooner, but go figure, the goddam site was down. Whatever. This happens to me every time.

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October 31, 2007

Keely-

Thanks for sending those CDs… after spending all those months locked up in the dungeon they call a psychiatric hospital, it's nice to actually have something to listen to. And I mean that. I would've gladly listened to a country CD after getting out. No joke.

Anyway… I guess I'm doing okay. Thanks for asking. But taking these pills… ugh. It's a bitch, Keely, I'll be honest with you. It's a total pain in the ass. I mean, I wouldn't mind so much if they actually worked… well… I guess they work. I mean, the hallucinations don't happen as often… but still… I guess I should stop complaining. I've got a long, winding road laid out ahead of me.

Jeez, you talking about everything going on there is making me miss everybody even more. Aw… can't say I didn't see it coming, but still a little sad to hear that she and Owen broke up. They were just so cute together. Oh well. All good things must come to an end. But yeah, you're making me sad by telling me all about what's going on… and speaking of sad, you remember the song they played at Bonnie's funeral? I heard it the other day. About forty-five minutes later, I was finally able to stop crying.

Life is an infinitely disturbing and annoying thing, Keely. No, I haven't been having any thoughts of ending mine, but I do have many thoughts of how much it's infinitely perturbing me. I absolutely hate it. Some of us are lucky. Some of us have very few obstructions in our lives, very few indeed. Then there are those of us who are stuck with a life full of obstacles and hurdles. I dunno, Keely. I can only jump so many hurdles until I fall. Fate is cruel, if you believe in that sort of thing.

Speaking of cruelty… yeah, everybody's acting differently around me now. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how they figured out. I guess word spreads quickly around here. They pretend that they still like me, but I know they make fun of me behind my back. It's not that I'm upset over the fact that they mock me (I mean anybody as immature as them would), but the fact that they do it behind my back just makes me want to knock them to the ground and step on their throats with my stiletto heels… and of course, they treat me differently now. Again, can't blame them, but it's frustrating. I'm still me… you seemed to realize that (eventually, I might add…)… but I guess people here are idiots.

Alright, I'm going to go into song lyric mode: don't panic.

Vide le lucci in mezzo al mare
Pensò alle notti là in America
Ma erano solo le lampare
E la bianca scìa di un'elica

It's from an old song, Keely. Just came to me. I know you don't know Italian, so here's what it means: "He saw the lights in the middle of the sea / He thought of the nights there in America / But it was just the boat lights / And the white trail of a propeller."

That's one of my favorite songs, Keely. The whole thing is great, I love the orchestration, I love the melody, I love the story it tells… I just love everything about it. It's so powerful… but I particularly enjoy that stanza. Just take a minute out of your day to think about that stanza, Keely. I just love symbolism.

Anyway… it's getting late here. Time to take my meds (ya-hoo…) and hit the sack. Later, Keely.

-Ash

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"She said that there was a group of about four of them," Keely said, slowly walking back and forth across her bedroom.

"And they did what, again, exactly?" Phil asked, tossing a tennis ball against the wall.

"Well, she said that they started laughing when she downed her medication… then they started to mock her, I guess is what she said… making fun of her disorder and stuff like that. I mean, they didn't like, physically attack her or anything, just..."

"That's… messed up," Phil said, still tossing the tennis ball.

"Would you stop with the goddam tennis ball? You're gonna break something!"

"Did they do anything else?"

"Not really… just made fun of her, is what she said. Even when she picked up her books and walked away, one of them followed her for a bit, making fun of the way she walks… what kind of low-life would do something like that?"

"The way she… walks?"

Keely sighed. "When she was my age, she screwed up her left leg pretty bad, and now she has a bit of a limp because of it. Not a Greg House limp, but it's noticeable."

"Oh…" Phil said, then resumed tossing the ball against the wall.

"She said I shouldn't worry about it, since they're just a bunch of idiots, but her tone of voice… I dunno. She just sounded pretty saddened by the whole thing, even though she said it didn't affect her."

"Well, for some reason, we always care what other people think about us… love it or shove it."

Keely shook her head, smirking. "I guess so… And stop throwing the tennis ball, willya?"

"So she just hung up, then? Why didn't you ask if she wanted to talk to me?"

"She's actually still on the phone… she's just talking to Mom right now…"

In fact, Ashley was relating to her mother the story Keely had been telling to Phil.

"…but, I'm alright. I don't really care what a group of idiots thinks about me, Mom… I'm above that…" Mandy smiled at this, remembering when she told her daughter, then about 8 years old, that those kinds of people weren't worth the trouble.

Ashley sighed. "Listen, I'd better go soon, but I've got a question for you, Mom…"

"What is it, honey?" Mandy asked.

"…I'm not going to ask why all these bad things have to happen to me… I can accept that this is the path I'm taking, whether it's by choice or fate… or some other force, but…" She heaved another deep sigh, and seemed to have a bit of difficulty getting together what she wanted to say. Then, in a voice full of self-loathing, she asked, "How does it feel, knowing your daughter is a raving lunatic?"

A brief pause ensued before her mother responded, "I love it…"

A longer silence came, before Ashley spoke up again. "Right. Well, bye then…"

From the tone of Ashley's voice, it was clear that she was crying as she said that last sentence, though Mandy couldn't tell why she was crying.

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Ugh. I was up late finishing this one, and I couldn't even upload it. Oh well. I should've figured that would've happened...