Damn site thinks it can just have its little errors and stop me from uploading. Well well, look who managed to upload anyway. Eat that, FFNet.

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Ashley lay face-down on her bed on a day in mid-March, a week before her sister Keely's birthday.

It was a Tuesday, the second week of spring break, though Ashley hadn't attended any of her classes in the three days leading up to spring break. She dismissed this fact by merely stating she was feeling terribly sick, and didn't feel well enough to go out at all.

It wasn't a complete lie; after all, she really didn't want to go out. And she certainly didn't feel well enough to do so. However, the flu-like symptoms that she had invented were not the cause for her staying locked up in her room.

Despite the hours spent at the ward, despite the countless visits to the doctor, and despite the numerous pills she'd taken, she just seemed to be making no progress whatsoever. Some days were nearly hallucination-free, but other days she couldn't properly think without another voice jumping into her head. The longer it stayed in her, the more this sickness ate away at her.

She was a complete wreck. During the two weeks she had been locked in her room, she'd isolated herself. Whenever a friend stopped over, she would only open the door, poke her head out the door, say a quick hello, and send them on their way. The only other regular company she had was Molly, though she was trying to thoroughly ignore her.

She couldn't sleep, because her pillow was too wet. The dark, silent nights allowed her to imagine things with less distraction. This of course, furthered her lack of sleep during the nights, and was only fueling the fire.

Ashley sighed, wiped her eyes, and went over to her notebook. She tore out a sheet of paper, a pen, and began to write.

Max-

I've been miserable these past two weeks, though I'm sure you're already aware of this. You're sharp. Nothing much gets past you.

Staying locked up In a room does a lot to the way you think, Max. You'd be surprised. You really would.

I'm told every so often that I don't care about anything, but is that really so wrong? Or is it even not caring when you just accept things for what they are? Why can't people understand that I do care, but more often than not, I just choose not to show it, or I accept the things that change? Why do they all expect me to react? Why can't they just leave me alone? What are these motives that drive us, as a species? What conditions are acceptable for severing personal connections? To what extent can the word 'loyalty' be taken into context? What is our meaning?

I want to say 1,000 things, but I am unable to. I want to be heard, but I'm not loud enough. I want to be the best, but I ultimately end up failing in every respect. I strive to work harder, but that just drains me, and causes me to work less. I try to see the answer, but I can't see anything through this shroud of darkness encircling me. Questions left unanswered, because nobody can hear me. I'm buried in a mass pit of blackness, trapped in by myself, by my own mind.

Even my dreams long to attain the unattainable, to explain the inexplicable. But they also end up fueling the fire. I often dream of Bonnie. She is the spectre that haunts my reoccurring nightmares. She is the part of me I lost along the way. She is an angel, and a demon. She is a forlorn compassion. I constantly wish she was here just so I could have another person to talk to. Sometimes, I wonder how much different my life would be if she was still alive. Would I be mentally ill, as I am now? Would I be as miserable? Mind you, I'm not blaming her for this, but I'm just lost and confused. It's just that I feel like I lost everything when she left us. Again, I don't blame her for this, and I don't blame her for anything else, for that matter, but she's not making this easy. All I have of her are memories… and it kills me, Max.

My longing for her to be among us leads me to another thought: why must we always want things we cannot have? We always imagine the perfect situation that would come along with it if we would just get what we desire. And while I do wish she was alive again, I know that will just never happen. And I know I'll never see her again in this world. Perhaps though, this mystery and knowledge that something is out of our reach makes us try harder to reach these goals we so desperately yearn to reach. After all, the moon was out of the reach of the human race for thousands of years. And yet, there were people who dedicated their lives to studying it, despite the fact that it was merely a worthless rock floating out there in the void of space.

They looked out at that moon, and they wanted to learn more about it. So they dedicated their time. They tried. Sometimes I wonder, Why do I try? Sometimes I think, Am I good enough? Do I deserve what I have, what I get? The answer to all my questions is not a good one, nor is it complicated.

Sometimes, we must face these trials and tribulations, and answer the questions for ourselves. The answer is unchanging. You may never live up to your own expectations, or anyone else's, for that matter. Even though the answer isn't what you want, it can still be fixed. You have the power to let go, and to dream. Nobody is able to take your dreams away from you. Then again, you will soon wake up, and the dreams end. Reality sets in, and you must face the harsh, cruel world.

In the end, does it really matter?

The answer is not always the same. It usually is, and when the answer is no, you must accept that and move on. Once everything is said and done, you can dream.

And nobody is able to take that away. Nobody.

I know I'll see Bonnie in any dreams I may have. I know that will only make me more miserable, knowing I'll never be able to actually be with her again.

And yet, I found a comfort in falling asleep, because it brings me closer to her.

The stars aren't out tonight, but, we're not out to look up at them.

-Ashley

Ashley smiled, and thought '…think I'll write something to Keely…'

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So, yeah, as I said earlier, I couldn't upload any new content to the site. Document Manager was down again. But dammit, I stayed up until 4:52 in the morning, and I'm sure as hell not going to wait until tomorrow to post it.