First Meeting

Series: Naruto, Bleach

He sighed. He turned. Then shrieked.

He was face to face with some strange person with black tears tattooed to his face and a scorpion skeleton eating his head.

"Kira Izuru, I presume? You're late."

Inhale. Exhale. Inhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhale- He almost had a heart attack.

"N-nice to meet you. There's a m-mistake. I didn't make this club my captain did and I don't even know what emo is and is that a scorpion eating your head?" he stuttered all in one breath.

The scorpion-skeleton headed person scowled even more, if it was possible, and lowered the zipper to his jacket to reveal the hole in his neck.

"I'm a hollow, you fucking moron. And you're a vice-captain? You can't even sense such a high level hollow as an Arrancarr?"

"Oh. Ohh. OH! HOLLOW! Damn, where's my sword?" he searched his non-existant pockets frantically for his zanpakutou before remembering that his captain had taken it away saying he shouldn't cut himself. He didn't cut himself though!

"Hey! You don't even show up in this arc!" Kira suddenly remembered.

"You suck," he scowled again and walked off to sit in a purple bean bag chair.

Aww...he took the bean-bag chair-! No, er, a hollow! Oh, there was an inflatable one too-! No, no, the hollow! Ugh, screw this. His brain could not function while there were loquat tarts sitting right there on that coffee table.

"My life sucks. Actually, I'm dead. Which makes it suck even more," he stared off into the ceiling as Izuru sat down across from him in the lime green inflatable chair and munched on the loquat tarts.

Kira stopped chewing and struggled to swallow, "Excuse me? You're a hollow. All you do is eat souls, what do you mean your life sucks? I bet mines at least a hundred times worse! My parents died when I was still young and-"

"I don't have parents," Ulquiorra interrupted.

"Exactly!" he exclaimed, "You wouldn't know the pain of losing them!"

"I have a creator though, and-"

"And my high school crush is in love with this idiot!"

"-and he'd never return my feelings-"

"And my captain DITCHES ME AFTER THIS ARC!"

"Hey are you listening?"

"He BETRAYS ME!"

"Hey-"

"MY LIFE SUCKS!"

"Yeah, well, people ignore me. They all hate me. All you death gods."

"AND NOW SHE'S IN A COMA! Well, she will be, after this arc I'm in, AND IT'S ALL HIS FAULT!"

"Well, I have a scorpion eating my head."

"MY HAIR MAKES ME HALF BLIND!"

"So get a freaking haircut?"

"MY LIFE SUCKS!" he sobbed.

"And mine doesn't?" he scoffed.

"Hey, is this the emo club?"

Immediately, the two members stopped ranting and turned to face the newcomer.

"Oh, a kid. What do you do? Cut yourself and gripe over how low your allowance is?"

"You have a spoon on your shirt," Kira sniffled.

"It's not a fucking spoon," the newbie growled, kicking over an orange stool. "It's our Uchiha clan's emblem. But I'm the last one of 'em."

'How rude,' thought Ulquiorra.

'I still think it's a spoon,' thought Kira.

"How come you two get the cool chairs? Oh, cool! Loquat tarts!" he plopped himself down on the couch.

"Because we arrived here before you. Duh."

"Yeah, but I suffer more! And at such a young age!" he flung his arms (and tarts)up in frustration.

"I don't have parents eitherr," Izuru whined.

"Me neither. Oh, and my eyes fall out! How's that?" he glared.

"Yeah but the only one besides me still alive is my brother! And he was the one that killed our clan! Even my pet bunny, Hanatarou!"

"Hanatarou? Sounds familiar..."

"HANATAROUUU!"

"Yeah well, I've always wanted a pet and I couldn't get one 'cuz I live in Hueco Mundo..."

"HE KILLED HANATAROU! HE WAS SO INNOCENT! AND HIS CUTE UCHIHA FAN TATTOO!" he started hyperventilating, "I SHALL AVENGE YOU!"

"Hey, hey, calm down, you're gonna break the coffee table and we're not gonna have anywhere to put the damn plate of loquat tarts."

"What tarts?"

Kira choked and hastily tried to wipe the crumbs off his face.

"What a pig..."

"Hey!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot, I brought some Teddy Grahams and gummy bears!"

"Yay gummy bears!" Izuru squealed.

"Oh! I love biting off their heads and switching them!" Ulquiorra snatched the bag out of Sasuke's hands.

"Hey! You could've asked...everyone hates me," he sulked.

"Mwehehehehehehe," he cackled, biting off an arm and an opposite leg.

"Gimmie some too!"

"HahahhahahahahHAHAHHAHAHA," he replaced them with limbs of another color.

"Stop hogging the candyyyyyyyyy!"

"It's ED!" he held up his masterpiece with pride.

"Thanks," Kira scowled and grabbed the bag, "Hehehe twirlll!"

"I love playing God," he smirked ever so subtly and then ate the mutilated gummy.

"Oh has anyone seen any good movies lately?"

"Ew, movies. Who'd want to watch those happy sappy things? Oh hey, that rhymed. I'm such an awesome poet," a lightbulb lit up above Sasuke's head, which he immediately turned off because brightly lit rooms were so un-goth.

"I watched this one war movie! World War I: The Ballet!"

"...right. Gimmie some cookies."

"So, um. Any good songs then?"

"Oh! Turn on the stereo!"

"Oh!" gasped Ulquiorra, "I have a Hikki album! I love Sakura Drops! Simple and Clean is too overrated..."

"Hikki?" Kira tilted his head.

"Hikaru Utada. She's not emo, fucktard. Listen to AYU!"

"Ayu?" he questioned, completely lost.

"Ayumi Hamasaki? How is she emo, then?"

"Ohh! Ohh! I have a Morning Musume CD!"

Blank stares.

"What?"

"Fuck off."

"Go screw yourself."

Kira buried his face in a fluffy pillow and cried.

Then the doorbell rang.

Doorbell?

They didn't have a doorbell. It was a freaking glass sliding door with no latch, for J-pop's sake.

A/N: I apoligize for any broken brains.