Author's notes: My surgery went very well. My husband got me a brand new laptop, and I must say - it's so not going very well. The keys are all in the wrong place. I haven't had this many typos in years. Also, I fail to see why it's acceptable by the preinstalled Microsoft Word on my computer requires me to buy a subscription. I am OUTRAGED. Times like this makes me fondly recall Windows 3.0, when technology was more simple, instead of nickle-and-diming a body to death. (I think I was 14 years old...)
The free Wordpad ain't cutting it either. The formatting doesn't copy/paste over the way it should, and it doesn't have spellcheck. HOW HARD IS IT TO INCLUDE A SPELLCHECK. What is wrong with this world?
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Tsume stalked into the kitchen with Naruto perched on her hip and a renewed vigor in her steps. Naruto held on to her shoulder with one arm, and hugged his cup of instant ramen noodles to his chest with his other. The cup ramen was looking as squished and bent as cup ramen probably had the tendency to become in the prolonged grasp of a tenacious three year old.
"Put that out," Tsume told the Hokage as she stalked past him. "Or I'll hose you down with a water dragon." Really – he knew better than to smoke in her house. It clogged her sinuses and made it harder to detect subtle scents. Not that it mattered right now – the scent of the Kyuubi's chakra was cloying and heady, thickly blanketing close-surrounding odors.
Hiruzen chuckled as he snuffed out his pipe. "A little overkill, isn't that?"
Tsume didn't say anything. She was dressed in regulation pants and a long white shirt; she also wore her jounin vest, but left it unzipped, and her feet were bare. As she gently set Naruto down on the edge of the sink, a rumbling was heard. It swiftly turned into a stampede of sound just before eleven puppies and Kiba stormed into the kitchen. The puppies launched themselves at everyone all at once, stumbling over their own paws and sliding on the pale yellow bamboo flooring as they surged at the four men seated in the kitchen. Kuromaru followed at a more sedate pace, and Nagumi came limping up the rear. The elder ninken looked on, long-suffering but patient.
Kiba barreled into his mother's legs with so much force that she had to cling to the floor with chakra. He reached up and tugged hard at her pants. "Breakfast?" Then he reached up higher, hooked his hands into her pocket, and lifted his feet. Predictably, he and the pants slid down to the floor with a loud thud. Two puppies immediately pounced on him with tails wagging and tongues licking everywhere.
"Serves you right," Tsume told Kiba, glancing at him and the other occupants of the kitchen as she undid the bandages that Hana had earlier wrapped around Naruto's feet. Fugaku immediately slapped an exasperated hand over his eyes and Yahiko turned bright red and looked in the opposite direction of Tsume. Danzo sipped his tea-flavored cream and seemed to be pondering the value of another raisin muffin. At least he cleaned up the crumbs.
Hiruzen coughed, careful to keep his gaze trained on Danzo. "While I firmly believe that you have a right to wear whatever you wish in your home, Tsume, and while we're all aware of the historical significance of the lack of Inuzuka wardrobe, I do humbly request that you include underwear in whatever your fashion endeavor might be whilst I'm present."
Tsume snorted. "I don't know why anyone's bothered by my bare ass. It's not like none of you haven't seen it before." And two of the four adult men present had tapped it too, no matter how poorly she remembered what happened with Fugaku.
Hiruzen grinned as he slouched in the kitchen chair. "Oh, but I haven't. Is it as lovely as the rumors claim?" He shrugged at the shifty-eyed glare that Danzo sent him, and the wide-eyed embarrassment on the faces of the Uchiha. "Still, there are puppies present."
"Puppies hardly care one whit about nudity, trust me on this." Tsume nonetheless bent and shooed the puppies away before tugging her pants back into place at her hips, instead of leaving them pooled at her ankles. "Here." She paused with Naruto's feet long enough to fish around in the ceramic bear and handed Kiba one of the raisin muffins. "Now, go sit with the nice Danzo-san over there, yes." She barred her fangs in a challenging grin at Danzo's glare. "And don't touch the Uchiha – you can smell where they've been!"
"Yay, Mom!" Kiba tripped twice, and then got into a minor brawl when one of the puppies accidentally knocked his raisin muffin onto the floor, and then another two puppies decided to see if the muffin was worthy canine food. It was engulfed in a matter of seconds after three more puppies decided that they could have whatever their siblings were having. All five puppies agreed, tails eagerly tick-tocking, that the muffin was indeed worthy canine food and they nosed around for more. Kiba went crying back to Tsume, once more tugging on her pants.
"It's going to be one of those days, and it's not even nine in the morning," Tsume grumbled. She picked up Kiba and deposited him on the kitchen counter beside Naruto, then handed them both raisin muffins. Kiba was noisy in his appreciation, jamming it into his mouth and spilling crumbs all over the floor. Four puppies crowded around Tsume's feet, eager to clean up Kiba's mess. Naruto was quiet though, torn between eating his muffin and keeping his cup ramen safe. Naruto eventually stuffed the cup ramen down the front of his pajamas, and carefully pinched off bits of the muffin to eat.
Tsume finished unwinding the bandages around Naruto's feet, and then stepped back for the others to see. "They look better than last night," she told Danzo, pointing. Naruto froze in mid-bite, thin shoulders hunching and wide blue eyes darting wildly about as all attention turned on him. Tsume wrapped an arm around his shoulders, mostly to keep him in place because she had a feeling he was just a breath away from making another escape attempt.
"I told you he would heal," Danzo said, setting down his tea. Naruto's feet no longer looked like two raw slabs of meat; the bottoms were a mottle of plum-purple bruises and scabs now. Naruto still winced as Tsume poked and prodded, but he was also frightfully silent. The Uchiha were also silent, although Fugaku's scent was shifting from a low-simmering bitter-anger to the white-hot sear of rage, so very much like their time together in the aftermath of the Third Shinobi World War, when he felt Itachi and Shisui were in danger. She was delighted to be able to smell it so clear over the odor of the Kyuubi.
Naruto bore a strong physical resemblance to his father, but the quiet was unnerving and shy, rather than steadfast and watchful. Kushina wouldn't know what silence was even it came up behind and kicked her in the ankle. Sakumo always said the only one on his team who knew anything about being quiet was Kokoro. ("Yeah? That's because I can't get a word in edge-wise half the time with these two.")
"We were discussing the possibility of you adopting Naruto," Hiruzen said.
"What's there to discuss? What possibility?" Tsume asked as she rewrapped Naruto's feet. "I absolutely refuse to send Kushina-chan's son back to any place that caused him to seek refuge in my kennels, especially when he was as naked as the day he was born and it was cold and snowy outside! What kind of people are running that orphanage? I have decided that he's mine, and that's that."
Tsume didn't have to look at Danzo to know that he was giving Fugaku a smug look as he replied. "I never expected any less. However, there's paperwork to be done."
She waved her hand, irritated, because she never liked how people were just sticklers for having every single line filled out correctly before they would accept the paperwork. "And all that other legal mumbo-jumbo shit, yeah, I know. Kakashi was the only one I never had to sign a lot of paperwork on." She sighed. "I never had to sign anything in triplicate back that."
"One question, Tsume, and then one other item." Tsume faced the Hokage expectantly. His eyes were sharp as he studied her, and his scent cautious. "I offered you the adoption of Naruto once before, and you turned me down." Fugaku's face was closed and still, and Yahiko looked as confused as he smelled, which was difficult to detect beneath the Kyuubi's scent. Tsume increased the chakra at her nose.
Tsume turned back to Naruto, and finished wrapping his feet. Her hands moved more slowly. "You did, and I did."
"Do you remember what you told me at that time?"
Tsume carefully cupped Naruto's face and studied his blue eyes as the kitchen brightened with morning sun. Gosh, he looked so much like Mooncalf. It was a wonder she had never seen the resemblance before. "I'm sorry," she whispered, shoulders hunching forward. "You asked me the day after I lost my friends, my ninken, my clan. I was… I was literally scraping the remains of my cousin off the ground when you approached me. But I don't remember if you told me this was the son of my best friends."
("Don't order me to take the baby, Hokage-sama. Please, don't. I'm too scared."
"Scared? You? How is that possible? Is it the Kyuubi you smell from the child that… that frightens you?"
"No. I'm scared of me. I'm scared of Inuzuka Shinzou's spirit. I'm scared that if you give me a baby that I hate, I will become my grandmother!")
The Hokage clicked his tongue. "You never gave me the chance to explain who his parents were, and after I ordered it to never be spoken, no one probably got around to telling you." He carefully didn't mention that he would've expected Tsume to recognize the familial scent. "You said you were too scared to take him, because you hated the Kyuubi, and you couldn't be sure that you wouldn't treat him the same way that Shinzou had treated you. We both agreed that not even the jinchuuriki should suffer that."
Tsume patted Naruto's head, and then combed her fingers through his hair. Gosh, his hair was the same kind of dandelion fluff as his sire. She was going to love brushing Naruto's hair.
"Why," asked the Hokage very carefully, "do you think that risk is any less now than it was three years ago?"
Tsume stared out of her kitchen windows for a moment. The world was shrouded in a virginal white. She always liked winter – it seemed bleak to many, but to her, it was just the potential of new beginning sleeping just below the surface. Scents always seemed more crisp and fresh, and the world smelled fresh and new. "Hokage-sama, I faced down six Uchiha policemen and Danzo for Naruto, even before I learned who his parents were, even though my nose can still only smell the Kyuubi, because I knew that no child should've been found the way he was." She would've gladly accepted her life at the brothel all over again to protect Kushina and Kokoro. Just how hard could raising another three year old going to be compared to that?
Fugaku muttered that there had only been five Uchiha, and he at least expected her to accurately count to ten.
"And your great-grandmother nearly caused a civil war by removing the entire clan from Konoha, but extreme sacrifices mean nothing compared to a lifetime all the little things, Tsume-san. An unkind word, a belittling comment, a slap to the face. You know where that leads."
Tsume's laugh was bitter. "Yeah, I know. It leads to ruthlessly selling your twelve-year-old great-granddaughter into child prostitution."
Danzo coughed pointedly as Fugaku made a choking noise. "That S-rank secret does not have an expiration date." Then he pointed a stern finger at Fugaku. "You and your partner will promptly forget that was ever said."
Fugaku glowered, offended. "I always try to forget everything that Tsume-san says."
"Shut up, Pencil-Dick. But you're right. Not you," she told Danzo, ignoring the dark look he gave her, "but the Hokage. It's the little things to a child – like food, clothing, shelter, security, comfort, love. All of which was denied to him before he came to my kennels. I know that Naruto has a much better chance getting that from me than from the orphanage – hell, Fugaku with his jail cells would be better than the orphanage."
They ignored Fugaku's grumble of how he'd never lock any three year old deviant up in his jails, no matter what the deviant hosted. Tsume decided to press her advantage.
Last year, before adopting Kabuto, when her father and brother were out of town for a lengthy mission, Tsume desperately hauled all of her ledgers, checkbooks, and bank statements for the Inuzuka and Hatake clans over to Mikoto's kitchen. Tsume's long-standing feud with numbers didn't improve when money was at stake or taxes to the Fire Daimyo were due so he could continue paying for his laundry services (oh, dear Kushina-chan, the memory of your math lives on!), and she was desperate for any help that she could get. Before Mikoto could assist, Sasuke and Kiba started to fuss, making it impossible for Tsume to concentrate on organizing her receipts while Mikoto was baking fresh bread. This required immediate attention from their mothers.
In the two hours in which she and Mikoto sorted, fed, read stories, staged an historical battle between Uchiha Madara and the South Seas Slavers (conveniently leaving out the part played by a mostly-naked Inuzuka Natsumi or any drinking the blood of enemies) with judicious use of sock puppets, before successfully putting their squabbling toddlers down for a nap, Fugaku and Itachi had snuck into the kitchen and straightened out Tsume's books without saying a word to her.
Tsume resented them just on principle for having greater mathematical understanding than her – especially when Fugaku's nearly-eight year old son was way better at tax codes then a twenty-six year old Tsume, and also had also somehow managed to color coordinate and chronicle her receipts – but she had also been exceedingly grateful to learn that she didn't owe as much taxes as she thought, thereby saving her from the fate of dumpster-diving for survival for the next year. So she knew that there was some shred of decency in Fugaku that could be used to Naruto's advantage, even if Mikoto wasn't around to coax the shred of decency to light.
"And about me becoming like Grandmother – I think I'm removed enough now from that time when you asked me. My heart is still healing, but there will always be room for one more unwanted person, one more misfit in need of a home – especially this child." Fugaku's scent spiked with sorrow; Yahiko's only grew in confusion. Hiruzen and Danzo's scents were unchanged. "Besides," she added as an ingenious thought struck her, "foxes are from the canine family, so that makes Naruto a puppy, and everyone knows that I'm all about puppies."
Fugaku snorted, his expression a mixture of disbelief and expectation. "Always back to the damn dogs."
"And besides that, the nine tails is only one tail short of ten tails." And well did Hiruzen and Danzo know of Tsume's unnatural fondness for legendary ten-tailed demons and horses. So did Fugaku, as he winced in memory of Tsume hitching Juubi up to their wagon and insisting on bringing him along on for their joint mission – and he couldn't complain, because the other horses were still recovering from Mikoto accidentally flambéing them. "So, was that the one other thing, Hokage-sama?"
Hiruzen glanced at Danzo, and then sighed. He shifted nervously in his chair. "It's just that Naruto does have a surviving godfather…"
"Who is not around," Danzo cut in, his expression firm and his scent rigid with barely-suppressed irritation. His entire spine went stiff as his hand curled into a fist. "And when he is around, it's not due to any moral sense of obligation or responsibility. In fact, morals are so distant that they belong in an entirely different country that wouldn't have the poor taste to issue a passport to the man."
"Well, it's not exactly like he could raise an infant on the road—"
"Exactly, Hiruzen. Which is why such consideration shouldn't even enter into this discussion."
"He hasn't forfeited either," Hiruzen hastily added as Danzo gulped a large mouthful of cream-tea to cover up how much he wanted to snarl at the Hokage. Yahiko and Fugaku's eyes flickered from War Hawk to God of Shinobi and back again, as if watching a particularly fascinating chuunin tournament match. Hiruzen was cheerfully optimistic to Danzo's barely restrained turbulence. "And while I believe he wouldn't have any misgivings with Tsume's involvement, I'm sure that he would wish to remain Naruto's godfather."
"He should've thought of that before he went gallivanting across the countryside. He isn't the only shinobi who's lost loved ones."
Tsume cleared her throat as she glanced quickly to her kitchen door. "Who're you talking about? I'll be glad to arm-wrestle him for Naruto."
"You'd lose," Danzo said, his voice abrupt with irritation. "But besides that, for all the occasions you've lost your kids at the market, you're still a more responsible parental figure than Jiraiya."
Tsume had a sudden vision of Jiraiya's back as he crouched at a knothole in the fence surrounding the women's side of the hot springs. Crouched beside Jiraiya was an imitating blond figure, his face also pressed against the wood. "Okay, maybe the arm-wrestling wouldn't work out, but I could always seduce him into saying yes!" She had a seal she could use, after all, and she had yet to see how it would work against Jiraiya.
Hiruzen pinched the bridge of his nose as Danzo silently glared at her. "Please don't. I think a simple, polite request will suffice."
Tsume shrugged. "Okay. I suppose I should send it through a secure route, though." She nipped her thumb bloody, flashed through the summoning seals, and then crouched down to slap the palm of her hand against the tile floor. When the poof of chakra dispersed, a small cinnamon-colored bear sat before her. Well, smallish - it was about the size of her dining room table, but definitely small for a bear summon. It looked around for a moment in dizzy confusion, and then grinned up at Tsume as she straightened upward.
"Hi!" Tomorokoshi stood on his hind feet and rested his paws against her shoulders. He sniffed her hair. "Are you going to come and play with us in the clover field? Oh, it's cold outside. You should definitely come play with me where it's warm. Nagaimo and I found another honeybee nest that we can't reach."
"Not today, Tomo-kun. I need you to send a message to Jiraiya-san."
"Oh! A message. Yes, I can do a message!" Tomorokoshi sat down and looked very solemn. "I have put on my Listening Ears."
"Tell that pervert that I've deemed him unsuitable to raise a potted cactus, much less a toddler, and am adopting Naruto. If he has a problem with it, he can talk to my ass because my head ain't listening anymore."
Danzo peered into his teacup, as if expecting that someone might've laced it when he wasn't looking. Hiruzen muttered, "I always forget the Inuzuka have their own standards for what constitutes as polite."
Tomorokoshi stared at Tsume. "I think you mean your hand, not your ass."
"No, I meant my ass. I got my hands full with all these puppies now. Listening ears, out."
"Okay then. I'll tell Pervert-san that he's an ass for raising a potted cactus instead of a toddler, so you're doing it instead."
Tsume opened her mouth to correct the bear, and then thought otherwise. "Eh, you know what? I deem that close enough. Thanks!" Tomorokoshi disappeared in a puff, just as Tsume turned all of her attention towards her kitchen door.
"We're about to be interrupted." With her attention turned towards the newcomers soon to enter, the Uchiha, Hiruzen, and Danzo also turned towards the door. After two breaths, it swung open.
"Oh, good morning," Yamato said as he paused in the entrance. The bags under his eyes were even more prominent than usual. "Are there enough raisin muffins for two more people?" He glanced over his shoulder, and then with an indignant, "Hey!" shunshinned across the yard so quickly that a puff of fluffy snow mixed with the haze of chakra followed in his wake. All the puppies surged forward in slobbery greeting. Tsume swept Naruto and Kiba off the counter and onto Hiruzen's lap.
"Yamato!" Tsume cried, her arms open wide in greeting to her second foster son. She felt giddy in her relief as she stepped outside, completely ignoring the cold snow that buried her bare feet. "And darling, where've you been? Come in, both of you!" She darted across the yard to where Yamato had pinned a person who was swathed in familiar layers of filthy, stinking rags. Tsume's voice dropped into a low whisper as she pushed the puppies aside with her feet and grabbed the stick-thin arm that swung free of Yamato's grasp. "Where was he yesterday? I looked all over for him when the snow started, but he wasn't anywhere around his usually haunts and he kept evading me and disappearing whenever I got close, and then I got distracted because Aunt Natsumi went out for roasted chestnuts and was hopelessly lost when the blizzard struck in full force." It would've been a lot easier if he hadn't decided to channel nature chakra to hide from Tsume.
Yamato shrugged, breathless from the struggle. The other man whimpered and babbled nonsensical syllables in a broken whisper, his voice warped from long-ago screaming until he shredded and scarred his vocal cords. He squatted in the snow, legs tucked close to make himself that much more difficult to lift. Despite the garbled speech and being brutally underweight, he easily swept Yamato off his feet with a twist and shove with one arm.
Yamato rolled over and snagged a leg. Before Yamato could get kicked in the teeth, Danzo was there, a heavy hand gently resting atop the greasy, thin white hair. "You fumbling buffoon, are you trying to give Tsume-chan a cold?" he asked, voice free from its usual harsh edge. The flailing struggle ceased. "She's standing barefooted in the snow, and you know that's not good for her. What would Hidarime say if she knew you got her baby sister sick?"
Tsume ignored the punch to her heart – Danzo was always a lot more skilled, a lot more willing to emotionally manipulate friends and family. She didn't have the heart (or lack thereof) to be like Danzo, not when it came to the father of her heart.
The babbling shifted, the nonsensical syllables jutting against each other and becoming more alike until they took the form of a single word: "sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry…"
"It's okay, darling," Tsume said, aware that the smile she wore was strained. She lightly stroked his bony hand, trying to indicate without making any sudden movement that she was unarmed. Her eyes watered, but that was more from the fact that the man smelled of feces and rotten garbage – he had been dumpster-diving and rolling in sewage again.
Between the three of them, they managed to coax their companion through the open kitchen door with gentle but firm tugging. Yamato talked, his voice rising and falling in a cantor that was almost hypnotic. "He actually came and followed me around on my patrol last night, and even let me dress him up in my extra cloak and gloves. But he lost them somewhere early this morning, so now I need to replace the cloak and gloves."
"Really?" Tsume laughed and stoked the gaunt, bearded cheek. "I'm so proud of you, darling! You never hang with Yamato-san!" Or willingly let anyone bundle him up in extra clothes, even when it was cold. This darling man had the alarming habit of giving all his spare clothes to Tsume with the single-minded desperation of a father trying to cover up his naked daughter, no matter how many layers Tsume might be wearing at the time or how much she protested and tried to give the clothes back.
A gust of wind slammed the kitchen door shut after the last of the puppies entered. The bam of the closing door sent Hatake Sakumo scrambling away from them, limbs trembling, like a demented spider. He frantically circled the kitchen floor, clawing at the wall with twisted hands, the fingernails long and jagged on both hands, and his right hand curled into a twisted, scarred claw. He pawed helplessly once at the window, and then stumbled away from it when he realized that his back was exposed to others.
Sakumo eventually crouched in the back corner with his arms wrapped over his head as he rocked back and forth, whimpering, unable to bring himself to attack old allies and friends to escape the confinement of Tsume's cheerful kitchen. He snuck occasional glances of horror at the two frightened toddlers that clutched at Hiruzen. Tsume was quick in gathering the eleven curious puppies and shoving them into the pantry before quietly shutting the door. She winced as the door knob clicked.
"Um." Fugaku cleared his throat. He then elbowed Yahiko and made a sharp cutting motion with his hands towards Yahiko's Sharingan eyes. Yahiko followed Fugaku's example and deactivated the Sharingan. "Tsume-san," for once, Pencil-Dick's voice was respectful as he addressed her, "is there anything we can do to help Sakumo-senpai?"
Tsume eyed Yamato, who was peeling off outer layers that were dirty and stained – most likely due to the struggle to bring Sakumo from Yamato's previous post to her compound. "You stink," she told her second foster-son.
Yamato gave her a droll look. "Yes, and?"
The Senju DNA twisted Yamato's scent so that it smelled like rotted wood and swamp mud, so Yamato had always been aware that he smelled worse than most people. It hadn't helped that Tsume had latched onto him in the height of her pregnancy with Hana, when her olfaction had been the most sensitive. But he also currently stank of agitation, exhaustion, leftover garbage, and stale sweat – scents that seemed to easily permeated past the Kyuubi's – Tsume wondered if it was the Senju DNA that allowed such. It must've been a very long night with his attention torn between watching someone who had long ago lost his wits, and doing patrol outside Konoha's walls.
"You should take a bath."
Yamato almost pouted. He wasn't very good at sulking and pouting – not like Kakashi, who managed to perfect it by the time he was three so he could twist Tsume around his little finger – but he still made valiant attempts at it. "And I suppose I won't be the only person in the sento." He glanced over at Sakumo, and sighed. He slumped wearily, and Tsume felt awful. "It's time for the monthly spit-and-shine, isn't it?"
"Well, he's not due until next week, but he may be harder to catch next time. And it wouldn't be a bad idea to check for any signs of frostbite." Tsume turned wide, begging eyes toward Danzo, who stood unmoving beside Yamato. She folded her hands in supplication. "Would you help?"
He glared at her as he pulled her fluffy pink bathrobe tighter around himself, as if shielding himself from spit-and-shine responsibility. "And what are you going to be doing?"
"Pencil-Dick. Naruto, and I have to go to the orphanage to get Naruto's stuff and sign the adoption papers. You know where I keep Sakumo's care kit, and you know the routine – get mini Pencil-Dick to help hold Sakumo down while Yamato trims his toenails. If things go really bad, you can bother Aunt Natsumi after ten. But only after ten. But don't forget to bring coffee if it's between ten and eleven – strong tea doesn't cut it anymore. I've already got the coffee pot rigged." Tsume pointed at the machine. It had been an extravagant splurge, but well worth it. Tsume didn't so much care for the flavor of coffee, but adored its scent. "Just flip it on to brew."
Yahiko looked offended at his newly acquired nickname, as Danzo snorted. "I do not require assistance from anyone. Sakumo has always been better at obeying me than you. I had him well-trained before he even met your sister."
Sakumo also made it a hobby to be contrary with Danzo and probably did so because it was one of the few things that still amused him immensely, but Tsume was wise enough not to remind Danzo of this. "How about you?" She turned to the Hokage, who had Kiba and Naruto perfectly balanced in his lap. "Are you coming with us, staying, or do you have to go to the tower?"
"I think I'll just stay here if you don't mind. It's warm, you have marvelous raisin muffins, and I can look after Kiba while Danzo and Uchiha-san assist Sakumo-san with his hygiene and health. And someone needs to remain to distract Kakashi if he awakes before Sakumo's grooming is completed."
Oh, gosh. She had forgotten that Kakashi was still asleep in her bed. It was very rare to have father and son together beneath her roof, even if they were on separate floors. Kakashi still couldn't tolerate seeing his father in such a horrid condition, although he seemed to have gotten over most of the shame and embarrassment of sharing genetic material (mostly – he still wore his mask to disguise the fact that he was related to Sakumo – Tsume personally thought that Kakashi would have better luck if he just covered his hair). "Thank you so much for your help, Hokage-sama."
"Besides, I'm sure that my office is still freezing cold. Maybe I'll have Yamato here fetch the most important paperwork, and I'll work on it at your kitchen table." Hiruzen shrugged. "I'm not worried about the security clearance of the people visiting this home."
Tsume bundled Naruto up in one of Kiba's parkas, covered his bandaged feet with two pairs of wool socks and Kiba's spare boots, and then covered his dandelion fluff with a bright orange knit hat. "Come on, Pencil-Dick," she told Fugaku as she threw on a wool jacket and a pair of gloves. "The sooner we get this done, the sooner we get back."
Fugaku cast one look at Sakumo as they left the bright kitchen with Naruto still holding his ramen as Tsume balanced him on her hip. The sun was out, but the air was still stark and cold, and their breath fogged the air. Konoha gleamed white in the fresh daylight, barely disturbed since most people opted to stay home. "Show me," Fugaku said as he followed Tsume off the compound. "Show me the path that this child took to your kennels."
Tsume eyed him over the ridiculously fluffy pompom on top of Naruto's hat. "Okay." She followed Naruto's scent, easily detected and nearly frozen in place with the bloody footprints he left, through the multiple streets and byways. Three blocks away from the kennels, she found the cause of Naruto's bloody feet. "Isn't it illegal to litter?" she asked, brushing the broken particles from the sake jar out of their path. She pushed the killing intent down so it wouldn't bother Naruto.
Fugaku's brow was knitted with a frown. "Indeed."
Tsume's grip tightened on Naruto. He squirmed uncomfortably. "It's also illegal to throw them at people, right?"
"That would be pure speculation on your part."
"Oh, trust me, the speculation is as accurate as Oyubi in the middle of an orchid convention." Fugaku shuddered at the passing mention of the Itty Bitty Orchid Committee. "Besides, the person who threw it left his scent on the bottle. It still stinks of rage and fear."
Fugaku shook his head, slowly. "One thing at a time, Tsume. The sooner we can get the child out of the cold, the better for his health."
"Not child." Tsume rested the palm of her hand on Fugaku's sleeve as she mentally filed away the scent of the person and ideas of how to best exact justice. "It's okay to say his name. It's Naruto. U-zu-ma-ki Na-ru-to. Just like Uzumaki Kushina. You remember Kushina-chan, don't you?"
Fugaku studied her for a moment with a hint of resentment in his eyes and scent. "Someone who likes to give disrespectful nicknames to people has no place in correcting another person's diminutives." Fugaku cleared his throat and looked away, scent shifting into shame. "After this, we'll go directly to the Assistant Head of Internal Affairs and the Hokage. Clearly, I cannot trust the reports of my men." He shot her another glance, this one angry and resentful.
Tsume didn't know why he was so upset with her, unless he was actually just upset about having to involve Internal Affairs, which was never the same since Kagami had to find a replacement. The relationship between Tsume and Fugaku was built upon intense antagonism, shared insults, a really lousy one-night stand when Tsume was a hormonal teenager with all the common sense of a rock, and the unspoken understanding that they still had each other's backs when they needed help. Or at least was how she defined their relationship. She didn't know why Fugaku would've helped her with her taxes last year otherwise, unless it was to get rid of her as soon as possible so Mikoto could finish her marvelous bread. "Thank you."
Once, years ago, they got along great in the aftermath of the Third Shinobi War, acting as married decoys to take out ambushers on a supplies line because Mikoto's pregnancy destabilized her chakra control, and the horses just didn't like getting immolated. The affectionate bickering came naturally between them, and Tsume enjoyed doting upon Itachi and Shisui. Tsume figured that anyone who had her back in the middle of hostile territory ought to still have her back in good ol' Konoha, even if their misadventures were four years ago.
Fugaku's laugh was hollow as he led the way to the orphanage, past the training fields, and carefully skirting around the outer edge of the Nara Forest. Juubi still patrolled the Forest, protecting the deer like he was their stag-king, unwilling to drop dead because he had the blood of gods (okay, horse summons, which was as close a minor god if any creature could be) running through his veins. "Don't thank me yet, Tsume-san. You may have unwittingly opened a can of worms last night."
"Well then." Tsume shifted Naruto to her other hip. She took Fugaku's arm into her own and tugged him forward, flashing as bright a smile as she could muster. "Let's go fishing, Fugaku-san."
additional author's notes: I love Sakumo too much to kill him off, not after the Fourth Hokage had to kick the bucket. So, instead, I, uh, made him a broken shadow of what he once was...? It's true, you know, about how you always hurt the ones you love.
That being said, I have some bonus material! Since this all doesn't show up in the Beta Years (which probably won't be seen for, oh, another six months), I have to clarify the reference to the Itty Bitty Orchid Committee, because a person just can't namedrop that without any context. The Beta Years basically refer to Tsume's stint undercover in a circus, with some other Konoha nin, when she was fourteen years old. One thing that I adore about Naruto is how whimsically adorable and funny it can be. (Well, I think of the comedy at whimsically adorable.) So every now and again, some of that silliness pokes through in the story, because that's also real life - like when you exiting the grocery store to the piped-in tune of Darth Vader's theme song, and just as the automatic doors swish open, a gigantic gust of hair makes your long skirt billow like as cape. :D Even ninjas can enjoy random bits of silliness. In hindsight.
o-o-o
o-o-o-o
o-o-o-o-o
Kagami was already waiting in Tsume's kitchen when she hurried across town to her compound. He was scratching San behind her ears while Tsume's knapsack, stuffed with a few extra traditional leather clothes, the leather poncho, some regular civilian clothes and underwear, a first aid kit, and her standard camp kit all sealed in a scroll, rested at his feet. Oyubi, looking half-ready to fall asleep, was also at the kitchen table. From the odor of it, Kagami had done most of her packing. Well, if any random guy was going to go roaming through her underwear drawer, she was comfortable with it being Uchiha Kagami. (He had also packed Mikoto's bag, which rested next to hers, so she figured he knew what was necessary for a long-term mission.)
"So, uh," Tsume looked between them. "Did you have a chance yet to talk to Oyubi?" she asked Kagami.
Oyubi made a sour face. She was never polite when she was exhausted. "I already know about my parents and the wedding that Mikoto is planning. Apparently, the colors are supposed to be orchid and cream." She wrinkled her nose, and not from the strong scent of coffee as she poured a cup for Tsume. "I don't even know what color orchid is. Blue? Yellow with brown spots? Swan shapes or hairy monkeys from the moon? Can shapes even be a color? Orchids come in an awful lot of colors." And Oyubi would know – she had to do a stint as a guard at the Annual Orchid Convention last year to make sure that no one sabotaged anyone else's plants. It paid quite handsomely and required very little physical strain - perfect for Oyubi, who had been recovering from a compound femur fracture and was on a month-long stroke watch by her medic.
It turned out that in the competitive world of orchids, people were cutthroat. Several throats, in fact. And Oyubi was only supposed to guard the prized vampire orchard. (Oyubi had been solemnly warned by Yamanaka Inoichi against ever getting involved with the International Dahlia League. When Tsume had asked him, Inoichi had twitched and said that the First Rule of the International Dahlia League was that you Didn't Speak About the International Dahlia League. Tsume was a month shy of being fourteen years old when she learned that the horticultural world of competition was even more shady than the shinobi world of, well, everything else.)
Fugaku was brought in to investigate claims of theft when various judges refused to just take Oyubi's word on who the thieves – and murderers – were because odor alone wasn't acceptable proof in the court of law, or with the Itty Bitty Orchid Committee. Fugaku had grumbled nearly as much as Oyubi, both of them bonding over their frustration with flower judges and getting quite drunk off of Tsume's attempt at homemade dandelion wine. Apparently, Uchiha Police also didn't realize that the world of orchids was Serious Business. Not only did they all bond (very awkwardly), but Tsume learned that Fugaku and Oyubi both made horrible, maudlin drunks, and Uchiha Mikoto was awesome to hang out with. The investigation wound up uncovering an international smuggling ring of ultra-rare orchids, which not only implicated multiple foreign dignitaries, but also caused the collapse of at least two nations – Here and There, which were very small nations, so no one in Konoha cared too badly – and a small war that lasted about six days between the Lands of Hither and Yon.
It still ranked as one of the most bizarre missions anyone had ever had to do in the history of Konohagakure. Danzo later reported that the Hokage wound up classifying it an S-rank secret just for the embarrassment factor.
Kagami didn't stop scratching behind San's ears. "It's a vibrant purple that borders on pink. It's like magenta, but not as bright."
Oyubi eyed Kagami as she stole a sip of Tsume's coffee. "Would you believe me if I think it's strange that you should know what the color orchid is? And why, of all things, you would focus on that part of my rant?"
"Not at all. Mikoto-chan and her mother were undecided between orchid and cream, or midnight blue and silver, and I had to cast the tiebreaking vote. I personally feel that the orchid and cream are most complimentary with our skin colors. However, discussion of wedding colors is not why I'm here, Oyubi-san."
"Of course not. You wouldn't be here at…" Oyubi double-checked her watch, "the ungodly hours in the morning meant for nothing but sleep, sex, assassinations and clandestine meetings between Clan Head and Head of Internal Affairs for no reason. Wedding colors are best discussed in the afternoon."