Author's notes: My husband fixed my computer. Yay.
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Tsume had seen many a dumpster over the years since Sakumo lost his sanity, failed a mission, and fought Uchiha Madara to the near-death, although not necessarily all in that order. The Hatake clan, after all, never did anything by half – even their failures were as spectacular as their successes. She was disturbingly familiar with the various insides and outsides of dumpsters, which alleys were cleaner than others, which dumpsters likelier had better food and which ones had clothing that were still mostly intact and blood-free (an unfortunately uncommon commodity in a Hidden Village's garbage). Admittedly, Tsume wasn't quite the dumpster connoisseur that Sakumo probably was, but she was certain that she had seen cleaner, more respectable dumpsters than the orphanage. Which reminded her that she needed to visit certain shopkeepers and pay them for putting out decent food on their back steps so Sakumo could eat fresh, unspoiled food.
Then she hoped the adoption fees for Naruto weren't too high. Danzo had given her Kabuto for free, thanks to some creative pulling of strings and judicious underhanded politics that she did her best not to think of. Maybe she could arrange payments with the Hokage, this time. Hogake-sama knew she was good for extended credit…
"I've seen worse," Fugaku said, glancing around with an unchanging, flat expression on his face. The paint on the walls was peeling; the window jams were crooked and warped, with light and cold air filtering through the cracked wood. The floors creaked and groaned loudly as they walked through the mudroom and entered the main living area – a large open floor space with minimal furniture and a number of half-broken, well-worn toys scattered everywhere. There were a few children who watched them from where they were seated in a corner, sharing a blanket and huddled together for warmth. The fireplace was devoid of ash or coals.
"I've seen better," Tsume countered, circling the room. "And smelled better, too." Death hung heavily in the air – not the death of violence and spilt blood, but the death of illness and old age. The scent was a week old and mostly undisturbed, barely detectable beneath the heavy stench of the Kyuubi that filtered through everything. Naruto clutched her arms and whimpered as he buried his face against her breast, so she patted his bottom. "You're safe, kid. Mama will never let you go."
At those words, the other children seemed to shrink down in their shared blanket. Tsume's heart shrank with them as their scent of hope curdled.
Fugaku opened a nearby empty room. "I wonder where the director is," he said, tapping his chin in thought. "This place looked much better when Nono was running it, and that was even before the Council increased the budget for the orphanage."
Tsume did her best to forget that she knew anything about Nono and the orphanage. Another failing on her part – she had been too busy trying to put back together the shattered child that Danzo had brought her last year to consider if Orochimaru may have somehow effected anyone else at the orphanage, despite being run out of Konoha about four years ago. She pointed at the empty fireplace. "Does that look like the budget got increased?" She swooped in on the children, who huddled deeper beneath the blanket. "Where's the adult around here?" she asked them. She crouched down to their level, to appear less intimidating, and plastered a welcoming smile on her face.
"Asleep." The oldest, a six year old boy dark in hair and eyes but pasty white of skin, answered with a shifty glance to the side. His body language was closed and wary, like a wild animal that couldn't quite tell if it was being cornered or herded to its doom. His companions were a girl who seemed to be about four years old, and a frightfully still two year old.
"Who's been in charge in the mean time?"
The boy didn't meet Tsume's eyes. He rocked slightly. "We've been taking care of ourselves."
Tsume straightened and shared a puzzled look with Fugaku as he came to her side. "Why aren't any of you in school?"
He shrugged, emotional scents as flat as his expression, and his eyes flickered to Naruto. "Because we've been tainted by the jinchuuriki. That's what you adults say."
Tsume kicked Fugaku in the shin as subtly as she could when she smelled the spike of his adrenaline. The kick redirected his focus onto her. "Go light a fire there with one of your grand fireball thingies."
Fugaku stared at her, his face flushed red and his eyes flashing with Sharingan. "Fireball… thingies?" His voice was strangled. The Chief of Police was never happy to witness a severe infraction of the Hokage's decrees, especially in regards to Konoha's jinchuuriki. Tsume kicked Fugaku in the shin, this time not bothering to hide it from the children.
"Oops. My muscles cramped because it's so cold in here, Pencil… Uchiha-san. And I'm sure these young children are also cold."
The child's lips turned up in a shape of a smile, but Tsume could see that it was nothing more than muscles in motions. His emotional scents were flat and distant. "It's okay. When the Kyuubi eats us, the fires of hell will keep us warmer than the Shinigami's tummy." After a moment, he added, "I think I'd prefer being eaten by the Shinigami. Naruto spills food everywhere and isn't very good at chewing."
"That's not true!" Tsume snapped. She dropped to her knees and threw an arm around the boy, hugging him close. He carefully leaned back to avoid touching Naruto. "Come on, kid, we're all about fire here in Konoha. Our Will is our fire – it's our passion and our way of life, so there's nothing wrong with an eternity of that, right? Have you seen how cold it is, out there? So what's your name, kid?"
"Sai."
"Well, Sai, those idiots who told you that the fires of hell will warm you up? The same ones who told you about the jinchuuriki?" Tsume ignored the feeling of Sharingan eyes boring a hole in the back of her skull as Fugaku broke up a wooden chair to toss the remains into the fireplace. "I can guess what they said – that the Kyuubi is evil and bad and violent and all that crap, right?" When Sai nodded after what appeared to be lengthy mental debate with himself, she said, "Ignore them. Such people will say anything to make you feel bad. There's no taint on you, or Naruto, or anyone else living in this building."
"The Kyuubi killed all the good shinobi, and then he comes along at night to eat bad children. He came three years ago and ate my parents."
"Nonsense! There's lots of good shinobi still around, like me and the Hokage. And Uchiha-san, here. Besides, the Kyuubi only eats ramen!" Tsume grinned to cover up her desperation to distract everyone, and ruffled Sai's hair. "See, the Fourth Hokage really liked this lady, Kushina-chan, and she really liked ramen. So, when the Kyuubi came to eat all the ramen, Kushina-chan was very, very sad. Mooncalf declared that he would protect the ramen and win back Kushina-chan's heart! He got rid of the Kyuubi, and saved Ichiraku Ramen at the same time!" Tsume was sure, somewhere in the afterlife, Minato would forgive her for this latest rendition of his reputation.
Mooncalf eventually forgave her for the whole Yellow Flasher bit, after all…
"I like ramen!" Naruto declared, eager to do his own part in making things better. He held his squashed cup ramen out to Sai as a token of friendship.
Fugaku choked halfway through a grand fireball thingie. He glared over his shoulder at Tsume as he winced and clutched his throat. "I seem to remember an entirely different version of history. And a lot more dead people."
Tsume flapped her hand dismissively at Fugaku, and did her best not to think of how many clanswomen she had to scoop up in buckets after the Kyuubi went on its rampage. "Semantics. Next, you'll be telling me that the Sage of the Six Paths didn't seal the Juubi inside of himself to impress a woman."
"I'm pretty sure he did that to save the world from the Juubi's destruction, actually. What does impressing a woman have to do with it?"
"Duh, because someone had to get pregnant and give birth to his sons. Did you ever consider the fact that the Sage wasn't exactly an amoeba? Oh, I guess I never did tell you the family legend. Maybe I told it to Mikoto? And why isn't the fire lit yet?"
Fugaku channeled some of his anger and irritation into successfully starting a fire in the fireplace. The fire crackled and popped, warm and inviting. He stared at the leaping flames as Tsume ushered the children closer. "The orphanage director is a dead man," he muttered.
"Oh, he most certainly is dead," Tsume declared. She ignored the surprised look Fugaku gave her. She gathered the children into a quick group hug. "We're going to get the others, so just wait here until then, okay? I promise that we'll be right back." She brushed past Fugaku before he could say anything and followed her nose to the second floor, bringing along Naruto. The bedroom door was slightly ajar, and she pushed it open with a bump of her hip. The rusty hinges groaned in protest. The bare floor also groaned beneath Tsume's feet as she strode across the bare room and poked the still lump that lay unmoving beneath the layers of bedding. "Maybe we should get someone to run the orphanage who isn't old enough to die in his sleep," Tsume said. "This one's been gone for a week." It wasn't very obvious to non-Inuzuka, though, since the cold had slowed the rate of decay and minimized the odor of death.
Fugaku glared at the lump, seemingly offended that it hadn't turned in a two weeks' notice to the Uchiha Police Department or the Clan Council before dropping dead so a replacement could be found. "That would explain why the children are without adult supervision and why that one was hungry enough to eat your dog's food when he finally found it."
"Hold on." Tsume jabbed her finger against Fugaku's chest. "First of all, my mush is awesome. Second of all, if your men or ANBU were supposedly monitoring Naruto in the building, why didn't they notice the lack of general adult supervision?"
Fugaku made an impatient noise as he spun around on his heel and stalked out of the bedroom. "That's why this is getting turned over to Internal Affairs." His resentful anger was barely distinguishable beneath the stench of decay and Kyuubi. Tsume realized that Fugaku's anger and resentment weren't necessarily aimed at her, but more at the situation. The Assistant Head of Internal Affairs was an even bigger asshole than Fugaku, and that wasn't a label Tsume gave away lightly. "How many children are currently present?"
Tsume sniffed when she joined him in the hallway. She had to drastically increase the chakra at her nose. "Fourteen. All young. They're hungry and cold."
Fugaku rubbed his forehead in silence as he contemplated their surroundings. "I need to think for a moment. Let's get Naruto's personal possessions first before I make any decisions."
Tsume shrugged, shifted Naruto to her other hip, and then led Fugaku to the third floor. They passed a group of seven more children, who had made an igloo of books from the library and filled it with blankets and pillows to keep warm. Fugaku, his police badge prominent on his chest, gently ordered the children to grab a change of their warmest clothes and congregate in the main living area.
"Congregate?" Tsume asked when the children were out of earshot. "Are they really going to know what that word means?"
Fugaku gave Tsume a pointed look. "A person is never too young to expand their vocabulary."
Naruto's room was a place where the youngest children were apparently crammed into, and was more of a large closet than an actual room. It contained three cribs crowded side by side that the babies on the first floor used, a rickety set of drawers, and a small basket for dirty clothes. It gave the appearance of being used by the youngest, but the Kyuubi's scent was too prominent for it to also not be Naruto's primary bedroom.
Tsume nudged the loose boards where the wall met the low-hanging eaves. The board swung sideways on its nail. When Tsume knelt on the bare floor, Naruto clung harder, nails digging into her skin. Tsume pressed her cheek against his dandelion fluff-for-hair and murmured words of love and comfort as she pushed the board aside and pawed around in crawl space. She pulled a threadbare blanket out of the dark depths and stared at it for a long moment, too stunned from the implications to think.
Tsume reached into the dark again, and pulled out a well-worn stuffed frog. It was missing one of the glass eyes that Kushina had worried her unborn baby might accidentally swallow. Mikoto had given it to Kushina at the surprise baby shower that Tsume and Kokoro threw, just a month before the Kyuubi attacked. Well, Kokoro threw it. Tsume had been anemic and tugging along an IV pole with multiple bags of fluids and piggybacked antibiotics, because healing from self-administered Cesarean was a real bitch.
It was the only time that Tsume had seen the frog.
It was also the last time Tsume had seen Kushina alive and surrounded by friends.
The realization that she was holding on to the last memory of Kushina's past, when Kushina had been smiling and laughing and alive, hit Tsume in the gut. She thought: this is the Fourth's living legacy. The legacy of a man who always chased away that cold, awful void. Minato had always been brimming with so much love and life that it just spilled everywhere, and the void couldn't help but retreat from it. Guilt churned in her stomach as something punched her in the heart. She felt the looming nothing just behind her left shoulder, as if it leaned forward to swallow her.
She had promised Minato. Minato had been the first to find Tsume in the forest, followed Kuromaru to where she was trying not to bleed to death after cutting Kiba free. She had been delirious with pain and desperation, wondering what would happen to her pups if she died, and Mooncalf had promised to take care of her children as he picked her up and carried her to safety and emergency medical care. Mooncalf already looked out for Kakashi, always trying to be the father that Sakumo should've been when he became Kakashi's jounin sensei, and Tsume had known she could die peacefully with Minato's promise. In return, Tsume had promised the same to Minato.
"What have I done?" she whispered as her lower lip trembled. Naruto tugged the frog out of her grasp and hugged it close. "F-Fugaku." Tsume rubbed her stinging eyes. "This is Kushina-chan's baby!" She burst into tears and clutched Naruto tightly to her chest. Of all the things her horrible memory had to forget, it was that moment between her and Mooncalf. "I p-promised him! Where was I?"
Fugaku crouched on his heels and patted Tsume's back awkwardly. "You were very sick at the time, and your memory isn't exactly the greatest even when you aren't sick. No one can fault you." He easily pried Naruto out of her arms and balanced him on one hip.
"But Naruto should've been with me, not here, shoved aside in a hole! These horrible people didn't even give him a bed!"
"No one should be here right now." Fugaku's voice was dry as he hooked his arm beneath Tsume's and tugged her to her feet. He dabbed her eyes with the sleeve of his long shirt. "Honestly, you look scary enough without bawling, so stop crying. The children don't need to see you like this. The caretaker is dead and we've got starving, freezing orphans to take care of. This became much bigger than just Naruto."
Tsume wiped her nose into Fugaku's sleeve, and ignored the tired look of disgust he gave her. "I know. You're right. Naruto isn't the only one in need of a good home. We can't leave the children here with dead bodies and no heat. And we need to talk to them so they don't continue to break the Hokage's decree."
Naruto reached out and patted Tsume's arm the same way that Fugaku had patted her back. "It's okay," he told her in a soft voice. That made her burst into tears again. Fugaku resigned himself to holding his sleeve out to her.
"Are your hormones…" His voice trailed off for a moment as Tsume scrubbed her face against his sleeve again. He eventually gave up trying to be subtle, since the direct approach always worked best for her. "Are your hormones still off-kilter?"
It wasn't a fair question since her hormones had stabilized last year, thanks to a mixed progesterone-estrogen implant. That didn't stop Fugaku of being wary about upsetting Tsume ever since he made her cry two years ago in the marketplace when he refused to let her have the last peach. Mikoto had read him the riot act all the way back to the Uchiha District. "Sort of," she said, rubbing her eyes and unwilling to give up one of the few advantages she had over him. "But that doesn't change how much I loved Kushina and Minato." Kushina had been her second most favorite person in the whole world, and Minato her fourth.
She fretted and fussed as Fugaku led her from the room, down the hall, and to the first floor. He made her wipe her face clean with a handful of snow scooped off a windowsill before they entered the area where all the children were waiting.
She was appalled at the small crowd of dirty faces, hunger gleaming in their eyes like a pack of wild timber wolves she dognapped and dragged along with her from the isolated Island of Claw. There was something a little intimidating about being alone with wolves, on a boat, in the middle of the ocean… Although not nearly as intimidating as Sasori glaring at her while he dangled upside down from a tree. Tsume was actually surprised to have survived such an encounter, even if Sasori owed her his life in the first place. "We should get to them a nice, warm home. My place is too far away right now." She snagged Fugaku's arm. "Oh, I know where we can take the children! It's much closer than my house!"
Fugaku frowned. "I think it's more appropriate to take them to the Police Station."
"Don't be ridiculous - they're orphans, not criminals, even if they probably feel that they should be locked up on account of what the director told them. Besides," Tsume dropped her hand and pinched Fugaku where the children couldn't see, "half of them don't even have shoes, and they're starving. You can't expect them to walk all the way to the station in this cold without even being fed!"
Fugaku tilted his head and looked upward, as if silently begging for supernatural patience. "Fine. That's it. Since you're going to take charge no matter what anyone says or does, they're yours – every one of them, from the hair on their head to the soles of their bare feet. Now, where do you want to lead them, o mighty mama bear?"
oOoOoOo
"I can't decide if this is the best thing I've seen this year so far, or the saddest thing ever." Natsumi scrutinized the pile of soapy, half-naked men – they were all in fine, masculine shape, although the one at the bottom of the pile needed a month of high-calorie foods, and the one at the top was a little too young for her tastes. Plus, that one there had the Sharingan, and Natsumi never ogled the Uchiha just on principle – not blatantly, at any rate… er, not in the last fifty or so years, at least. (Even Shinzou had admitted that Uchiha Izuna had looked as good as he smelled in the brief time they had known him, though Shinzou spent more time salivating over Madara and Izuna's mother than any of the Uchiha men. Walking in to find Shinzou while she was going down on his mother had probably soured Madara to the Inuzuka clan for generations to come, and wasn't that a darling little secret that few people alive knew.)
Sakumo managed to free an arm from Yamato's grasp and wave it weakly at her from the tile floor of the Inuzuka clan's sento. "Help! Help!"
Natsumi was momentarily grateful that she didn't have a sense of smell anymore. She could see that the soap and misapplied water merely smeared the filth and decay, instead of cleansing it from Sakumo's skin. She hung a sign from the door handle ("Keep out! D rank mission in progress! – Tsume) before sliding it shut, since the cold air from the outside was making the inside air thick with fog. "Back away, boys. And shut that Sharingan off before I poke out your eyeballs."
"Told you," Yamato told Yahiko snidely through his bloody nose.
Yahiko glared with one eye, since the other was blackened and nearly swollen shut.
"Dare we back away?" Hiruzen asked breathlessly, not easing up on the bear hug that kept Sakumo trapped. "And sorry about waking you up. Tsume-san said not to bother you before ten."
"Wasn't you who woke me up. The only reason I'm not here to rinse off the culprit's blood is because he already looked half-dead from his own wounds." Natsumi yawned and did her best to ignore the tugging exhaustion that made her want to curl up in a corner and go back to sleep. This old age thing was for the birds. She peered over the edge of her wire-rimmed glasses at the bathhouse occupants, and saw fuzzy shapes. She impatiently shoved her glasses further up her nose to bring the world back into clarity.
"Where's my niece? I thought she was home right now…"
"Off to sign adoption papers," Danzo said, looking uncomfortable from where he was half-twisted and mostly on top of Sakumo's legs. He also looked stuck beneath one of Yahiko's legs, with Yamato lying on top. He rested his head against the tile and took a deep breath.
"Again?" Natsumi thought for a brief moment. "Tell me that she's at least trying to adopt a girl this time, right?" She really liked that Anko girl, even if Tsume could only take her as a part-time apprentice. There was something about Anko's bloodthirsty disdain for human dignity that Natsumi appreciated. It reminded her so much of dear, sweet Tobirama…
"No, sorry." Hiruzen's smile was disarming. "Another boy."
Natsumi clicked her tongue in disapproval as she walked over to where Kiba was seated quietly on a stool, out of the way of the tangled pile of manflesh. "I don't get what she's thinking sometimes. One daughter, and now five sons? I'm going to start stuffing them in dresses." Kakashi had been so adorable back in those days. She momentarily contemplated tying ribbons in Kiba's hair. A soft sakura-pink would contrast nicely against the dark brown.
"It's Kushina's son," Danzo said.
"Who?" It took Natsumi a moment to remember who Kushina was, since it wasn't a name she had thought of in years. Her memory of Kushina's face and voice was distant and blurred, with no distinction of color or scent to help mark any clear parameters. After a moment, jinchuuriki popped into her head, and Natsumi felt immensely better about her niece's latest acquisition. "Oh yeah. Her." The heir and the hope of the Inuzuka clan always managed to unwittingly wander into the Old Ways. The gods would be pleased. "I guess that's all right, then. Hold still now, Kiba."
"Okay, Aunty."
Natsumi ruthlessly stripped Kiba out of his clothes, and then plopped him naked in front of Sakumo. Kiba squeaked when his bare butt came into contact with the cold tile. "Give him a bath – may as well scrub yourself up too, Sakumo. Set a good example for Tsume's son."
The tension melted away from Sakumo's body as he stared at Kiba. "…'kay," he mumbled. It took a few moments for the other men to disentangle themselves, their body language stiff and cautious lest Sakumo attempt another getaway – being wet and naked wouldn't deter him in this cold weather, but Natsumi had a few extra tricks up her sleeves just in case. Sakumo was far too young to be giving her the slip in a room
Sakumo seated himself on a stool and dutifully poured the water over Kiba's head. When he started scrubbing Kiba with a soapy sponge, Natsumi pointed her fingers at Yamato and snapped them. "Grab the other sponge and start on Sakumo – and don't roll your eyes at me. We're lucky we don't need sandpaper this time." She yawned again. "Danzo's only got one working arm, the other guy's Sharingan might set Sakumo off again, and I want to admire the Hokage in his current state. That only leaves you to do the work."
Hiruzen risked a glance down the length of his body – his white robes were as see-through as they were wet, plastered against his skin – and then gave Natsumi an exasperated look. "You're awfully frisky before ten in the morning."
"I have two arms, and they both work, thank you very much."
Natsumi ignored Danzo's grumbles in favor for leering at the Hokage, even though he was almost half a century younger than her. "I may be as old as dirt, but that don't mean you should bury me six feet under just yet. You're a widower, I don't have to feel awful about thinking how delightful it would be to smack your ass. Besides, I've always had a thing for the Hokage." Then Natsumi huffed a sigh, and nudged Yahiko with her foot as his face burned bright red. "Yo, Uchiha, make yourself useful and get the care kit from the kitchen. Tsume keeps it in the top second cupboard, to the right of the kitchen sink." She crossed her arms and glared at Sakumo's back. She could count every rib. "Looks like someone's got worms again."
Kiba giggled and squirmed as Sakumo washed behind the ears. Sakumo's shoulders were slouched with ease. "That tickles!"
Danzo waited until Yahiko left the sento. "Where's Kakashi now?" he asked as he wrung excess water from Tsume's bathrobe. Then he sighed and peeled the wet garment off, revealing a bare torso and shoulders that were still strong and muscular despite a left arm that never fully recovered from the Kyuubi-induced wounds.
Natsumi tilted her head to get a better look at Danzo's torso. It wouldn't hurt to see if she could visually inspect for any bruising or wounds. She was all about multitasking, after all, and it wasn't like Tsume and Danzo were exclusive. Danzo still enjoyed men, and Tsume used her siren seal liberally. "I convinced him that the God of Shinobi and the War Hawk wrestling with the White Fang in the middle of the snow was a fever-induced hallucination, tucked him in my bed with Nagumi to keep him warm, and then told him I was going to get coffee before I unleashed the gouka inugami upon his immortal soul for disturbing my slumber. Far as I know, he's still there." And probably wasn't going to move until he was absolutely sure that the caffeine had eased Natsumi's mid-morning homicidal tendencies. "Also, the coffee pot doesn't work when there isn't any electricity for it, so I'm stuck waiting on the hot water to work its magic in the press."
"Ah, that's good." Hiruzen removed his pipe from his pocket, sighed as he fit the broken stem to the bowl, and then tucked the pieces back where he found them. "You know, I just knew that Sakumo's strike to my pocket was deliberate." He grunted as he sat down beside Danzo, his left knee stiff, making sure to keep his buttocks far from Natsumi's reach. Natsumi hoped that Danzo would turn his interest in men on the Hokage, just once. She bet there was some unresolved sexual tension between those two.
Danzo's face relaxed with amusement. "The buffoon knows that Tsume doesn't like you smoking in her house."
After Sakumo had thoroughly scrubbed and rinsed a giggling Kiba, and Yamato had thoroughly scrubbed and rinsed Sakumo, the two bathers willingly slipped in the tub. Sakumo kept one arm around Kiba as the child staged an epic battle between a rubber duck and a plastic shark. It also looked like Danzo and Hiruzen's ongoing relationship as platonic life partners would continue unabated. Natsumi tried to squash her disappointment.
By that time, Yahiko had returned with the care kit. Natsumi set it on one of the stools and flipped the lid open. She handed the sheers and comb to Yahiko. "Cut his hair as short as you can get it. Sakumo, tilt your head back."
Sakumo obeyed, staring up at the ceiling as he leaned backwards over the edge of the tub. He still kept a grip on Kiba as the plastic shark launched a surprise ambush on the rubber duck. "Woosh!"
Yahiko looked aghast. "You want me to cut his hair in the bath?"
"Scandalous, I know, but you knew that when I sexually harassed the Hokage. Don't worry – Tobirama taught me a jutsu that filters impurities out of the water. Perfect for drinking from suspicious lakes, and cleaning hair out of onsens." Yahiko still looked offended, so Natsumi kicked him in the ankle to make him move faster. "Better to get hair in the water than let him get lice," she added cryptically. Sakumo was a lot better at allowing people to cut his hair short than allowing the Aburame clan to delouse him. That was always a B rank mission. "Besides, Inuzuka bathhouse means Inuzuka rules." Said bathhouse had only been built five years ago, after Sakumo and Tsume managed to get banned from every hot springs and public onsen in Konoha.
With everyone else grooming Sakumo, Natsumi settled herself on another stool and tried not to fall asleep.
"Why does the sign say D rank mission?" Yahiko asked.
"We'll explain when we're done," Danzo said with a sadistic gleam in his eye. "For now, just watch the S rank jounin." Then Danzo ducked to avoid getting clobbered with the rubber duck.
oOoOoOo
As far as Nara Shikaku was concerned, it was the perfect day. His darling-albeit-high-strung wife, Yoshino, had left early to check on her aging parents, but not before sternly ordering him to stay inside with Shikamaru where it was nice and warm. That meant that he didn't have to go to the desk to see if there were any available missions, he didn't have to shovel snow, and he could spend the day napping with his son for some good old father-son bonding. Or at least what qualified as father-son bonding in the Nara household, which was notorious for not being particularly very fast or high-energy off of battle-fields. (Shikake often theorized that their minds burned up so much energy from thinking that there was left little for the body to move. Shikaku was inclined to agree if it meant that he could vegetate in one spot for an indeterminate amount of time.)
It was the perfect day. And he began it in the perfect way, kneeling in the kitchen with his son at their modest little table. He nursed a tea set. Shikamaru wore his bib and pajamas that wouldn't be changed for the entire day – Shikaku didn't see the point in making his son get out of the pajamas when they weren't going to go anywhere, and besides, Shikamaru would just have to get dressed in the pajamas again come bedtime. Shikamaru also nursed a bowl of hot rice porridge, slowly savoring the flavors. Shikaku was delighted to see that his son was shaping up to be a fine Nara.
Shikaku had the day nicely plotted out in his mind. Breakfast first, then a nap afterwards – hard to get up energy on a full stomach, after all. After the nap, they could play some games and eat the bentos that Yoshino had dutifully prepared early that morning. Lunch would be followed by another nap, and then Shikaku could show Shikamaru some chakra exercises that would later increase the toddler's deftness with manipulating his shadow, and then Shikaku could break out the sake.
Maybe by that time, his two teammates might show up to share in the sake.
It was the perfect day, and he had it planned out with everything in its place, and a place for everything. Nice, neat, organized. The Nara clan was too lackluster to be anal perfectionists like the Hyuuga clan, but thorough planning allowed for getting the most done with the least amount of time and energy.
But the best-laid plans of mice and men often get led astray by the more sinister forces of life and reckless younger siblings. Hence, breakfast was interrupted with a loud banging door and a multitude of children's voices.
"… so that was the parlor, and this is the kitchen," his older sister declared as she marched a gaggle of children, bundled in well-worn clothing and blankets, into his kitchen. Four of the children had rags tied around their feet instead of shoes. "Don't mind the floors. We'll take shoes off after we warm up." Shikaku was used to Tsume bringing strays home – usually not his home – so he wasn't too surprised to see her. Harsh winter storms easily brought misfortunate children out of the woodwork, which in turn brought out Tsume's greed for all things orphaned and vaguely cute.
And lo and behold, his sister somehow managed to get ahold of the jinchuuriki, and was holding him with all the possessive fury that he had seen when she first sunk her claws into Yamato. "Now, I want everyone to sit down over there, yes, in that corner. Sai, bring the baby over here, there's some bottles that Yoshino keeps in the cupboard, and we can warm up some milk. Oh, hi, Shikaku!" He blinked slowly, careful not to freeze or even to move suddenly, lest Tsume misread that as some sort of animal body language that he was about to make a getaway attempt. Which wouldn't be too far off the truth. "Everyone, this is my older brother, Nara Shikaku, the very gracious host I was just telling you about."
Tsume and the gaggle of children bowed deeply and profusely thanked Shikaku for his kind generosity and warm house. With their greetings and gratitude appropriately expressed, Tsume went back to having most of the children sit with their backs against the wall as she and the eldest three immediately raided Shikaku's fridge and cupboards. The children's cheeks glowed with warmth and hope as they slowly divested themselves of multiple layers of blankets and coats. That one there had the Yamanaka eyes. Most likely he was a bastard borne by a civilian woman who probably died before she could petition formal recognition from the clan.
Shikaku and Shikamaru shared a silent look over their cups of tea.
Uchiha Fugaku hovered on the edges of the kitchen for just a moment, as if reluctant to be mistaken for having any involvement in Tsume's latest scheme. Shikaku took pity on the stress lines that were deepening on Fugaku's face, patted the cushion that his wife used whenever she was kneeling at the table, and then pointed at Fugaku.
Fugaku quietly accepted it.
They watched silently for a few more moments as Tsume commandeered supplies and utensils to whip up a fresh batch of rice porridge as her two chosen helpers handed out glasses of milk. When they ran out of glasses, Tsume told Sai to use tea cups. Then they started distributing the pickled plums.
"I don't want to know what happened. If you tell me," Shikaku poured Fugaku a cup of tea, "I'm not going to have plausible deniability."
Fugaku hastily gulped down half the cup, his twitching eyebrows the only indication that the tea probably scalded his mouth and throat. "So, you don't want to know that when your sister decided to adopt Uzumaki Naruto, she found the orphanage director dead, and then decided to temporarily relocate the orphans to the main Nara house because it was just one training field away from the orphanage, or about how these orphans all know about the Kyuubi because the dead orphanage director broke the Hokage's decree and told them?"
Shikaku pillowed his head on his arms and glared at Fugaku. "You didn't listen to a word I said about plausible deniability."
"On the bright side, Tsume-san decided that the Nara house was far more favorable than the Hyuuga District."
Shikaku had the distinct feeling that he was on the precipice of being dragged into something incredibly aerobic. If he played his cards just right, he could juggle the responsibility and energy costs onto his old man. Shikake had just complained the other day about being bored. So what if Shikake's boredom had more to do with the paperwork from running the Konohagakure Hospital than a lack of hobbies? Shikaku wasn't going to quibble over the small details when it came to redirecting his sister's energy.
Okay, Shikaku could deal with Tsume adopting another child, even if it was the jinchuuriki. Tsume had an ongoing love affair with ferocious animals that she would affectionately name Juubi – aptly named, considering how that particular horse was still on a rampage in the Nara Forest – so the Kyuubi was virtually a dream come true for his sister. So long as it was just the one child, though. Tsume sometimes forgot the children that she did have, especially when she brought them along for shopping at the market.
It was a bit of a running bet between Shikaku and Shikake to see how long it took Tsume to realize that her children, hungry and bored, had wandered over to the Nara house from the market.
"And, ah, I might've-sort've-kinda made her temporarily the replacement for the dead orphanage keeper. Theoretically."
Oh dear. Inuzuka Tsume, collector of adorable and/or adorable creatures orphaned or abandoned, given an entire orphanage all to herself.
As he took a deliberately slow sip of his tea, Shikaku thought of all the different ways he could subtly slip poison into Uchiha Fugaku's tea without the man noticing.
"Ah hah! It seems that my sister-in-law was hiding some cookies here. I'm sure she wouldn't mind offering them up for a good cause. Everyone can have half of a cookie – Fuu, please give this to Shikamaru, thank you. Half a cookie, Lee, not four."
Tsume would smell the poison before Fugaku could ingest it though. And then she'd give Shikaku a bad time about the poison, and probably also tell his wife. Yoshino would never forgive Shikaku for poisoning a guest (no matter how uninvited said guest actually was) with her tea.
Shikamaru solemnly accepted the half a cookie from the Yamanaka bastard, and dunked it in his cup.
Shikaku contemplated how much less trouble it would be to simply defect to Ame. It was much further away than Kiri, after all. And it rained up there so much it would be hard even for Tsume's nose to track him down.
"All right now, dirty dishes stacked in the sink. Hop to it, kids! After we're done, you're all going to sit in the living room while Uncle Shikaku reads you The Tale of the Gutsy Shinobi, a grand story written by our very own Jiraiya-sensei, all about this wonderful kid… well, you'll find out. Uchiha-san and I have to run back to the Hokage."
The problem of defecting to Ame was that Tsume would still just track Shikaku down and drag him back before he even reached the rainy part, and then he'd have to explain to his wife why he even defected in the first place. Shikake would no doubt lecture him thoroughly for failing to outthink Tsume's nose. It was just as well. Fugaku looked like he would kill Shikaku if he abandoned the poor man to the whims of his sister and her latest litter of misfits.
Hokage-sama would understand and sympathize, though. And so would Danzo. Well, maybe Danzo wouldn't sympathize, but he would certainly understand.
"Does Shikamaru-chan want to come along and make some friends with his new cousin? This is Naruto. I'm adopting him today. Naruto, this is your uncle – Shikaku, and his son, your cousin, Shikamaru." Tsume leaned forward and held Naruto an arm's reach away from Shikaku. She hovered over the fluffy blond hair with a razor-sharp smile that didn't reach her eyes, and a hint of fang showing through her lips. The look in her eyes made Shikaku's insides curl with worry. Naruto clutched a ragged stuffed frog close to his chest and tried to look brave.
"Hi," said Shikamaru innocently with the wave of his half-eaten cookie. Naruto's face lit up in a smile at Shikamaru's friendly greeting.
Shikaku hesitated for a brief moment, and then patted Naruto on his head. He pushed back the fear – not for the jinchuuriki, as he had seen the seal the night it was created and knew that the jail of the Kyuubi would hold steady and true – but for his sister, whose self-esteem was not exactly the most healthy or vigorous for all that she was Inuzuka through and through. Between her hobby of antagonizing the Uchiha, frequent-but-unintentional insults against the Hyuuga, unwavering support of the man everyone blamed for starting the Third Shinobi World War, and being quite open about her sex ed workshops to everyone who was curious, Tsume was not a well-received or highly-respected person outside of her family and clan.
Adopting someone as unpopular as the Kyuubi wasn't going to help Tsume's own lack of popularity amongst the village's adults. Shikaku had the distinct feeling that he was standing at the brink of a minor civil war. Tsume would probably win, because she was fearless and stubborn, and had powerful allies, such as the Hokage, Danzo, Kakashi, and Natsumi, but there would be casualties.
The blond hair beneath Shikaku's callused hand was surprisingly soft. The child stared at him with such clear blue eyes, the likes of which Shikaku hadn't seen since the night the Fourth Hokage was killed. "You're in good hands," he told Naruto solemnly. "This is a woman you will forever be proud to have as a mother." Naruto would also probably be half-intimidated and more than a little overwhelmed if he was anything like his father, but that shouldn't lessen the pride.
(Shikaku was so not going to think of the possibility that Naruto might be a miniature Kushina, paired up once more with Tsume. Nope. Nosiree. He didn't have nearly enough energy this early in the morning to figure out how to keep Konohagakure standing in the next ten years.)
Naruto's answering smile was breathtaking.
Today started out perfectly. And while sitting and reading The Tale of the Gutsy Shinobi as his son and more than a dozen orphans settled around the roaring fire wasn't exactly the best interruption he could've had for his perfect day, it wasn't all that bad.
Especially when Tsume browbeat Fugaku into washing the dishes before they left. (Tsume dried and stacked. Honestly, his younger sister wasn't all that bad.)