Author's notes: Can I complain now about Kishimoto's inability to keep a decent timeline?

Okay. So, it begins with Yamato, who AT MOST was five years old when Orochimaru's experiments were found and he was run out of town. Yamato is four years younger than Kakashi. Yamato would've been ten years old when the Kyuubi was released. Anko was the apprentice to Orochimaru. She's three years older than Yamato, and is a year younger than Kakashi. Now, this is all canon. It is also canon that Anko and her genin team were in the same chuunin exam as Kakashi, where he earned his chuunin promotion.

So she would've been five years old when Orochimaru signed her up for the exam, so unless she got signed up like a week after she graduated at the age of five from the academy, this is where dates really start to fall apart. Especially when she so did not look like a five year old. However, apparently, lots of five year olds graduated the academy around that time, including Rin and Obito. Orochimaru placed the cursed seal on Anko before he left Konoha, when she was eight years old. Prior to doing this, Orochimaru met Kabuto, who is three years younger than Yamoto, and six years younger than Anko. Now, Kabuto ORIGINALLY met Orochimaru when he accompanied Danzo to the orphanage so Danzo could force Nono to do a mission. Kabuto got recruited at the same time.

... Which would be kinda hard to achieve, because KABUTO WAS TWO YEARS OLD WHEN OROCHIMARU LEFT TOWN. He wasn't even BORN yet when Anko was in the chuunin exam.

*sobs*

On a more funny note, I gotta figure out how Konoha managed to churn out so many five year old fighting machines. I can't even get MY five year old to pick up his shoes and put them away...

o-o-o

o-o-o-o

o-o-o-o-o

"That was a D rank mission?!" If Uchiha Yahiko's voice pitched any higher, it could shatter glass. "As in twelve year old genin do this every month?"

Danzo refrained from rubbing his temples. "Well, every three to six weeks, depending on how many of the participating individuals remember that the cares are due," he said, leaning back against the kitchen wall to ease the strain on his leg – Tsume's tall chairs were just too uncomfortable after their recent grueling undertaking. They had all congregated to the kitchen following the harrowing mission. The living room was dissected with makeshift clothes lines, lined with dripping wet clothes to dry with the aid of the well-fed, roaring fire. Yahiko and Yamato wore dry towels wrapped around their hips, the Hokage wore Danzo's yukata from last night, and Danzo had absconded with Tsume's old blue flannel bathrobe – which she had originally smuggled out of his house nearly five years ago. He had long given it up as forever lost, so finding it washed and folded in the laundry room was a happy little perk.

After taking a sip from his tea (alas, completely devoid of cream), Danzo continued his explanation. "It's an excellent teaching tool that allows genin to practice and develop their tracking, trapping, and ambushing skills in the safety of Konoha against an admirably skilled target, without the risk of undue harm to the genin – or to their target. Sakumo enjoys making it into a game." He considered Yahiko long and hard over the rim of his teacup. "Please tell me you've heard of this mission at least once – Tsume's been running them for a decade or so." It was also the highest-paying D rank mission, equal to short-term B ranks, given Sakumo's exceedingly high skill level. After the Kyuubi's attack, when Tsume struggled valiantly to put together the remains of her clan with their reduced resources, Hiruzen insisted on personally covering the cost of the mission by stating it should've been part of Sakumo's "retirement package."

He still remembered how Tsume teared up after Hiruzen spoke, clutching her change purse as she stood before the Hokage at the missions desk, looking ghastly white from her anemia and swaying like she was going to pass out. On the other hand, Kakashi probably still simmered in embarrassment and resentment every time someone mentioned "retirement package" in his hearing. Danzo was really going to have to get that boy into therapy…

Danzo would never diminish the little honor and dignity left to his close friend by insinuating that the White Fang of Konoha was reduced to fodder for a genin's D-class mission. No matter how shattered the mind or how warped the psyche, Sakumo was still every bit an S rank shinobi, whose skills and talents equally rivaled any of the Sannin. Teaching children and encouraging the growth of their skills was one of the few things in life that brought Sakumo some semblance of satisfaction and cheer, even if it inevitably ended in the humiliation of getting dunked in bath water and scrubbed raw. To Sakumo's delight, the genin were often in as much a need for a bath as he was when all was said and done.

Sakumo didn't give adults the same regard, however, as demonstrated by how it took one Hokage, two elite (former and current) ANBU, and one experienced Uchiha policeman to subdue and strip Sakumo of his filthy rags, and only one naked toddler and horny old woman to settle

him down.

Yamato hid a yawn and curled up tighter in his spot on the floor; his head was pillowed against Kuromaru's flank. "Better than chasing Tora, or being the poor schmuck who lost paper-rock-scissors and has to be Tora," he muttered as Hiruzen gently dressed the laceration that split open Yahiko's cheek. Hiruzen and Yahiko were the only two properly seated at the kitchen table. "Besides, I told you that it's a bad thing to try using the Sharingan on Sakumo. He doesn't like having his mind messed with, and you just aren't young or cute enough to get away with pulling a high-level technique on him. Like me." Yamato's bloody nose had been caused by one of Yahiko's elbows.

The fact that Sakumo would never harm any of Tsume's five children was left unmentioned.

Danzo silently vowed that this would be the last time he would allow Tsume to talk him into cleaning up Sakumo. He was simply much too old to be participating in any more mostly-naked, slippery, soap wrestling matches with men. Or with women, for that matter, except Tsume would consider that to be a challenge if he ever voiced anything within her hearing. As it were, he was having too much difficulty not to appear like giving one man a bath had worn him out.

Danzo was also secretly smug that the one Sharingan user in their midst looked a lot worse than he did. Okay, maybe not secretly smug…

Natsumi didn't even look up from where she was filing Sakumo's fingernails. "Sakumo has a soft spot for children, and they are rarely skilled enough to use a genjutsu that alarms him." She dropped the hand and then smacked Sakumo in the shoulder. "Give me your other hand, now."

Sakumo grudgingly obeyed Natsumi's order. His thin hair was clean and cropped closely to his skull. His face was shaven, with a few minor scrapes on his chin. He was also clearly sulking as he sat beside Natsumi in the middle of the floor, his lap full of Kiba and two pups. Kiba quietly colored on the ridiculous trade embargo requests from the Earth Daimyo that the Fire Daimyo had forwarded to Hiruzen.

One such puppy had tried to crawl into Danzo's lap. It took one look at his face – or perhaps one whiff of his scent, and decided that it would much rather lie down with Yamato.

Sakumo grumbled beneath his breath, occasionally rubbing his arm where Natsumi had given him some booster vaccinations. Dumpster-diving wasn't exactly the most sanitary lifestyle, and came with risk for a lot of different diseases and parasites. Being clean and wearing decent clothes only highlighted how frightfully underweight he was.

"There are," Hiruzen said cryptically as he moved on to wrapping Yahiko's dislocated wrist, "very few adults whom Sakumo wouldn't harm." Hiruzen was one of those few adults – a privilege that came with being Sakumo's Hokage, because Sakumo was still a loyal Konoha nin. Natsumi was another, and Danzo was pretty sure that it wasn't just because Natsumi was nearly an impossible hundred years old or had deadly summons at her beck and call. For whatever reason, Sakumo had a soft spot in his heart for Natsumi, especially since the two of them looked out for each other in their own twisted, rather adorable ways. Natsumi would try to bring fresh food to Sakumo and get lost looking for him, and Sakumo would try to hunt her down and lead her back to the compound.

They sometimes spent the day wandering Konoha in circles, as Natsumi publicly berated Sakumo and Sakumo grinned and danced just out of her reach.

Danzo doubted that Tsume would ever qualify as an adult in Sakumo's shattered mind, even when she had been visibly pregnant.

Kiba waved his crayon masterpiece in the air. It looked like he had drawn an abstract rendering of a tangled thorn brush that had been swept away by a tornado. "I'm done!" he declared. Then he twisted around in Sakumo's lap and leaned forward, holding the paper out to Danzo.

Danzo accepted it, and gave the jumbled green and yellow scribbles serious consideration. He nodded his head solemnly at Kiba. "I see that you continue to put a lot of passion and consideration into your efforts. Good job disguising your message against enemy eyes." He didn't like to accept the idea of passion in shinobi pursuits, but Tsume would never allow him to successfully try any emotional training with the Inuzuka children – and he doubted that he really wanted to. He remembered, once and a lifetime ago, what it was like to be filled with the vim and vigor of life.

Sometimes, especially as he grew older, Danzo thought that he missed that passion. But he knew the twisted and painful paths such passion led a person down, and the depths of decay such paths eventually led even the best and brightest souls. The Sannin and Sakumo had once been as passionate as he had been. Now, Danzo was a bitter, cynical shadow of himself. Of the Sannin, one was a gambling lush with haemophobia, the second a mad scientist unlimited by a decent set of ethics, and the third a guilt-ridden spymaster who buried his regrets within erotic tripe and the occasional novel retelling some ancient legend or mythology. Of Sakumo... well, Danzo was used to rubbing the salt of his mistakes into the festering wounds that Hiruzen once warned him about.

Tobirama followed the footsteps of Hashirama and taught his team about love – love of Konoha, love of friends and clan, love of duty – and the importance of protecting all of that with one's heart. But Tobirama, in all his wisdom and knowledge, never taught Danzo how to protect one's heart. The heart could only take so many wounds before the scar tissue deadened sensations.

All Danzo could hope for was to redirect and funnel the passion of Tsume's children into a worthy pursuit, to see that they would never have to reach the depths that Tsume had in her youth, or the depths he reached in his adulthood. It was the least that he owed that (twelve years old TWELVE FUCKING YEARS OLD) woman.

Kiba glared at him for a long moment, and then declared imperiously of his sloppy creation, "It's a duck."

Danzo turned the picture around in his hand, unable to see any remote resemblance to a water fowl, but nodded his head anyway. He knew it would somehow wind up on the fridge in the current ROOT base, held in place with a yellow smiley-face magnet that currently graced the surface of Tsume's refrigerator. "Of course. As I said, it's been cleverly disguised against enemy eyes. A fine talent that is greatly needed in our cipher department."

Especially when a bored Kiri nin had intercepted the latest coded missive between the cipher department and a Konoha subordinate stationed near Grass, wrote the translation out like she was solving a crossword puzzle, and then returned it to Konoha with a written note in the margin, Come on you guys – you can do better than this! Danzo still hadn't decided if he ought to kill Ameyuri-san, or send her a bouquet as a thank you. Well, the Swordsmen (and woman) of Kiri were notoriously difficult to kill, so a bouquet of foxgloves and nightshade might be more appropriate. With any luck, she'd eat them.

Kiba decided to take Danzo's words as a compliment, and readily accepted another report from Hiruzen to scribble on (an elegant, verbose complaint from the local hot springs regarding a certain former student of the Hokage's following his most recent visit to Konoha). Hiruzen smiled at Kiba as he finished patching up Yahiko and turned to the pile of papers that had been hastily delivered from the Hokage's office. He brushed raisin muffin crumbs off the pile. Another puppy was snoozing in Hiruzen's lap.

From the sounds of it, the remaining puppies were causing an unholy level of destruction in the living room with the couch cushions. Danzo felt vindicated.

The front door slammed open. Sakumo would've bolted despite the little occupants in his lap, but couldn't because Natsumi bunched his sleeve in her fist and shook the nail file at his nose. "I didn't get dragged out of bed before ten just to have you skedaddle before I'm finished," she warned him. "My coffee hasn't quite kicked in yet, so stay still."

Sakumo hunched down and nodded unhappily as Tsume and Fugaku entered the kitchen, kicking snow off their boots and slipping out of winter coats. Tsume put Naruto on the ground as the puppies surged around the corner from the living room. A few of them were covered with cushion stuffing. Naruto was engulfed by happy, eager puppies with wagging tails and slobbery tongues. Naruto's laugh was clear as a bell as he threw his arms around to gather as many as he could in a hug. Then he growled when a puppy got too careless with its teeth, and bit the puppy back on its tail. It yipped.

Tsume divested Naruto of his winter layers and pried him free of the puppy's tail. "Look, if you want to chew on something, I've got a bone you can use instead. Stop picking on the pups, they're smaller than you." She piled the clothes on a near-by bench, and then walked around Naruto to the pantry. "Do you want the good news, or the bad news?" she asked Danzo. She dragged out a large bag of kibble and bumped the pantry door shut, bouncing on one foot while using the other to push a puppy away from the closing door. "Gotta get chow together. The pups are off their schedule."

Fugaku muttered, "What good news?" and gave Tsume a sideways glare.

Hiruzen looked ready to hide behind his stack of paperwork. "What bad news?"

Yamato groaned and flipped onto his other side. "Going to sleep now," he said as he squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his head more tightly against Kuromaru. "Unless we're being invaded, I don't need to be disturbed for any good or bad news."

Tsume set aside the kibble. She hefted Yamato to his feet, and then embraced him tightly. "Head off to bed, sweetie. Thanks for everything you did."

He yawned into her hair. "Sure."

Tsume waited until he was out of hearing as Fugaku seated himself at the kitchen table beside the Hokage and fished some documents out of his shirt. Fugaku looked at Yahiko. "Where are your clothes and what happened to your eye?"

"Er, wet, sir." Yahiko adjusted his towel self-consciously. "And a D rank mission happened to me, sir."

"Go put on your clothes, even if they are wet. I need you to deliver an urgent message to the Assistant Head of Internal Affairs to meet us here. And then go to the Station and get dry clothes, please." Yahiko was quick in obeying orders, especially given the dark glare that Fugaku had plastered on his face.

Naruto crawled out of the squirming pile of puppies as they started attacking each other with growls and nips, more careful not to bite anyone. He looked uncertain as Tsume poured the kibble into three large metal bowls. Eleven puppies instantly started crowding her ankles. "Stop it, you guys. I still have to get the gravy into these." Tsume lifted the bowls and set them on the countertop. Kiba didn't look up from his coloring.

The Hokage beckoned Naruto over, and then handed Naruto an orange crayon and a request from the Elder Council for a meeting next week regarding the International summer chuunin exam, to be hosted at Suna. "So, what's the good news?" he asked as Naruto looked around the kitchen, and then resolutely seated himself beside Danzo. Naruto met Danzo's gaze for a moment in challenge, grinned, and then turned his attention to his coloring when Danzo didn't blink.

Tsume mixed large spoonfuls of chicken gravy in with the kibble, stirring until the kibble was coated. "I got a really great buy one, get fourteen free deal at the orphanage."

Natsumi looked up from the nail filing. "Any girls?"

"Three."

"Excellent." Natsumi resumed the filing.

The Hokage stared at Tsume for a moment, turned his gaze on Fugaku, and then pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "Please don't tell me that you two killed the orphanage director for what happened to Naruto and that's why Tsume took over the orphanage."

"No. We didn't kill anyone." Fugaku struggled to relax his face into a more neutral expression. "The events from last night regarding the jinchuuriki for leaving the orphanage is due to the director being dead for a number of days, and the orphans were left without any adult supervision."

"Ah. So the other orphans are only temporarily under Tsume's custody."

Fugaku looked at the sheath of papers that he had withdrawn. The papers crinkled in his white-knuckled grip. "I don't honestly know if we could place the orphans anywhere else." He placed the papers in front of Hiruzen. "Please review for mistakes before signing them."

Hiruzen gently shoved his current stack of paperwork over to make room and read through the first three pages. "Looks like everything is in order here for Naruto. Did you get word back from Jiraiya?"

Tsume grinned, but Danzo could tell it was more for show than from actual humor. "Yeah, when we were washing Shikaku's dishes. Jiraiya said that he'd love to talk to my fine piece of ass when he got back, gave me some advice on how potted cactuses don't require as much feed and water as a toddler, and that I may have uncontested custody of Naruto." She clicked her tongue at the puppies and carried the metal bowls to the living room. The puppies crowded after her. "We'll just drop the food off here and… oh, sorry, Uchiha. Didn't know that you were naked already. Love the birthmark, it's adorable!" Tsume quickly retreated from the living room, pausing long enough to erect the child's safety gate in the entrance dividing the two rooms. One puppy, not following his hungry brethren, pressed a paw against the wire gate and whined unhappily. Tsume shooed it back.

"So why are you looking to foster the other fourteen orphans…" Hiruzen nearly dropped the papers in surprise, and then pressed his face closer for a better look at the writing. "And why do you have Danzo written down for their foster father?"

Danzo leveled a scorching glare at Tsume, but she deliberately avoided his eye as she flopped on the floor between Naruto and Kuromaru. She looped an arm around Kuromaru and rubbed his flank.

"Well," Tsume said, wiggling her feet, "the orphans said that no one wanted them because they were naughty children who've already been tainted by the jinchuuriki, and Danzo likes children–"

"I most certainly do not!" Danzo effortlessly ignored how Naruto was poking his orange crayon against Danzo's elbow. It was best to ignore misbehavior instead of feeding it with any attention, good or bad.

"—so I figured that we could have a shared custody of them, since some of the older kids ought to be in school, but I don't know where to put them in the academy or anywhere else, really, since they know about Naruto. They look really, really haunted, and kinda remind me of Shi and Hyo, and I remembered when Danzo was still in ANBU, working with the stragglers and Sakumo. I figured we could do this together like our own little project, you know?"

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Tsume was up to something, he just knew it. There was no way that she would dump fourteen orphans willy-nilly into his ROOT division, no matter how much they knew about the jinchuuriki. Granted, such children couldn't be allowed out in the public until they learned that they absolutely couldn't reveal Naruto's identity, because he very much doubted that Hiruzen would allow a certain seal to be placed on their tongues.

And they must not have been allowed out in public, because Danzo, despite all the ears he had in the underground, hadn't heard a single whisper of the Hokage's law being broken at the orphanage. His blood ran cold at the realization. What else has slipped past my awareness?

Yahiko squished past them to the open door, pausing long enough to accept and shrug on Fugaku's dry winter coat.

Naruto pressed himself tightly against Danzo, as if Danzo might be able to protect him. Tsume slid her other arm around Naruto. Danzo glanced sideways at Tsume – she had a blank, faraway look in her eyes. Danzo's mind worked ferociously to understand Tsume's intentions. That was the problem with trying to outthink her – half the time, Tsume didn't think, and instead just reacted with whatever information her nose was giving her. And when she could smell so much beyond the comprehension of most humans, it was next to impossible to predict her reactions.

"And who told the orphans?" Danzo half-expected Hiruzen's paperwork to be drenched in frost from the question's biting cold.

Tsume didn't look the least bit deterred by any hint of frost. "The dead director. And don't look at me like that, Hokage-sama! I didn't kill him – he died last week from old age. Actually, he had a heart attack from the smell of it, which usually goes hand in hand with old age. Fugaku said he's turning this over to Internal Affairs because we couldn't figure out why his men never noticed that the orphanage was being run by a bunch of children who didn't know what they were doing." Or why ANBU never noticed, either, but the Police had no jurisdiction over ANBU; only Internal Affairs and the Hokage had that power, and was probably why Fugaku had sent his minion off for the Assistant Head of Internal Affairs.

"Well," Danzo said darkly, because he had a very good feeling that the involved Uchiha Policemen probably hadn't cared, "that saves T&I some work. Uchiha-san, could you excuse us for a moment? And please take Natsumi-san with you." Fugaku must've choked on his pride when he decided to turn the matter over to IA. The Assistant Head was even more antagonistic towards the Uchiha than Danzo.

Natsumi glared at him suspiciously. "Why?"

Danzo showed her his teeth. "I wish to try talking some sense into your niece, and we all know how well she does with complicated subjects."

Fugaku rolled his eyes in exasperation and mumbled simpleton under his breath as he accepted a sheath of papers from Hiruzen that required delivery to the missions desk and borrowed Tsume's coat. Her shoulders were nearly as wide as Fugaku's, although the sleeves were too short. Fugaku seemed all too eager to get away, as if the prospect of facing IA was just slightly more favorable than spending more time with Tsume. Which Danzo could sympathize with, all things considering. Inuzuka women just had that effect on people. "I'll return with the Assistant Head of IA, Hokage-sama."

Natsumi stood with her joints popping and cracking a few times, and then dusted her bottom off. "I'll just go hang with Kakashi. He's probably still snoring in my bed, but I bet his bandages could use some changing." She snagged the first aid kit on her way out.

Sakumo watched Natsumi's retreat with a desperate look of longing.

Tsume stood, and then pointed a stern finger at Sakumo. "You're not going anywhere until you've had something to eat, buster. I'll make some ramen for you."

Naruto hastily climbed to his feet and ran after Tsume. "Me too!" he yelled.

Not to be undone, Kiba also clambered out of Sakumo's lap and hurried over to Tsume. He shoved Naruto out of the way and grabbed fistfuls of Tsume's pants. "I want some! Me too!" Naruto's face crumpled, but he managed not to break into tears as he shoved Kiba back. Kiba released Tsume's pants and tackled Naruto with a growl.

Sakumo whimpered as he rocked, unable to turn his eyes away from the two boys. Tsume picked the boys off the floor as they squabbled with each other, pushing and shoving and scratching and biting, and dumped them in Sakumo's lap.

"I'll make enough for everyone. Just be patient for, like, four minutes. Sheesh."

Sakumo grinned as he hugged Naruto and Kiba close. Naruto and Kiba glared at each other, and then went back to pushing and shoving and kicking. Sakumo attempted to tickle toes amidst the flailing limbs.

Hiruzen looked at Danzo. "So, I take it that you wanted to discuss your latest gardening hobby? I heard the aphids were unkind to your last crop of daisies." Which was the main reason why he had to implement seals on tongues, not after all the information had been tortured out of two ROOT subordinates. It had been a bloody clean up mess to prevent the rest of the Shinobi world from learning about Konoha's ROOT.

Danzo glared at Hiruzen. "My garden is not an appropriate place for Tsume to dump fourteen orphans into."

Danzo's garden: ROOT. The Division-that-wasn't. An offshoot of ANBU that Hiruzen never admitted to knowing about, on account of plausible deniability. Hiruzen had "officially" disbanded it a number of years ago, and Danzo would be denounced and executed as a traitor if it ever became public knowledge.

("Danzo, how would you like to be the leader of an autonomous but officially unsanctioned branch of ANBU that I can use to root out traitors and dissent? You'll need to act as if you're trying to undermine and eventually overthrow me, and be generally appealing to traitors, but you get be as brutal and sadistic as your heart so desires. Mind you, I shall deny any involvement in the blink of an eye, and would hang you for treason if you're caught. That is the price of this particular S rank Black Ops."

"Hiruzen, just why do your ideas always make me look like an unmitigated bastard?"

"Oh, don't be like that. You're literally the only person I can trust to have this much power and control, working in the shadows behind my back. Even if you plant a kunai in it, I know that my death would serve the greater purpose for Konoha. But you must remember – Konoha mustn't just live, she has to thrive.")

"Ah." Hiruzen's hands strayed to the area of Danzo's robes where he normally kept his pipe and tobacco, and then he dropped his hands away with a sigh. "Admittedly, it's probably the best place for them right now, even if," he glanced through the papers, "some of them aren't quite out of diapers yet."

Kiba giggled and kicked his feet as Sakumo tickled his stomach.

"Those can probably be adopted out without a problem."

Naruto squealed and tried to tickle Sakumo in retaliation.

Tsume shook her head. "Not really – not if people think they've been tainted by the jinchuuriki. That's what the orphans told me, at least. I can tell my clan what to do though, so I could give the four infants to Oyubi."

Danzo scoffed. "Oyubi-san has never really wanted any children of her own, and you think she's going to readily accept four of them? She can barely keep up with her baby brother." To be fair to Oyubi, no one could really keep up with her baby brother – not even Kakashi, and he had helped train the little monster.

Tsume considered this as she assembled the supplies needed to make ramen. "Not true. Oyubi said she wouldn't mind children if she didn't have to go through the whole pregnancy and body horror. Well, we could always give them to Aunt Natsumi."

"And drive her into an early grave?" Hiruzen asked, his voice dry.

Danzo snorted and shifted his weight so he could fold his good leg over his bad leg. "I doubt that Natsumi would wind up in the grave." He might. "Sakumo would be a better caretaker, if we knew he could stick around in one place long enough." Dumpsters weren't much better for raising children than, apparently, this orphanage.

Sakumo captivated Naruto and Kiba's attention as he showed them cat's cradle with crackling white chakra strings. They watched with wide eyes, argument all but forgotten, seated on the floor in front of Sakumo.

"Tsume," Danzo said, "just what was going through your head when you made this decision?"

Tsume ripped the ramen packaging open with her teeth. "I know what you're thinking – you're thinking that I wasn't thinking, except I was. See, I thought it was really weird that this was the same orphanage that Nono ran – the same orphanage that Kabuto was in. It kinda made me wonder if Orochimaru isn't somehow involved. I couldn't smell him." She hesitated briefly, and then continued, "But I wasn't trying, and that doesn't necessarily mean a thing. Orochimaru and coincidences really don't go hand in hand. I figured that Danzo and I are probably the best when it comes to dealing with Orochimaru's experiments, but I knew I couldn't handle all of them on my own."

Fair enough, Danzo considered. Ever since Yamato, Tsume had made every Orochimaru-experiment misfit that she stumbled upon her own personal mission. Tsume thought of Mitarashi Anko as the daughter who got away. Tsume invested more time and effort into Anko than Kokoro did, but Kokoro refused to abdicate her responsibility as legal guardian and aunt. To be fair to Kokoro, the Curse Seal was best handled by someone who wasn't limited by a wheelchair, and Anko desperately needed a mentor who wasn't Danzo and wouldn't (couldn't) fear her or her Heaven Seal.

"And then I thought, gosh, and here I just told Danzo the other day that his little weeds would make really lousy infiltrators because they're so emotionally stunted that they'd stick out like a Suna puppeteer in a convention of Snow Maidens." It didn't help that his weeds were usually too traumatized and/or strange to get along in normal society, which was why they fit in ROOT so well. Danzo didn't create; he merely honed. "I bet if they became involved and really skilled at simple things like childcare, they could blend in with society better. Isn't that why we always had to do D rank missions?"

Danzo preempted Hiruzen's smug smile with a hair-raising glower. "Whose organization is this?"

Tsume grinned as she mixed the seasoning packets with the noodles. "What organization?"

"Who gave you permission to do this? Because I didn't."

Tsume skipped past them to fetch the water kettle from the living room's fireplace. "Gosh, Danzo, who're you going to complain to about me trying to usurp your authority? The Hyuuga? It's not like the Hokage approves of this illegal organization, anyway. Hey – what happened to my couch cushions?"

Kuromaru sat upright and walked over to join Sakumo and the two boys. He laid down behind the boys, tail curling around until it rested over their legs, and grumbled under his breath.

"Yeah, Danzo," Hiruzen said, sounding smug despite his straight face as he shuffled through the papers once more. "Who are you going to complain to?"

"You just keep that in mind the next time anyone like Hanzo approaches me with an offer to assist in assassinating you so I can get the Hokage's position. I might just go through on that offer."

"If you didn't kill me over taking your blankets when you should've been in traction, I doubt that you'd kill me now."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that, either." He still hadn't forgave Hiruzen for breaking into his house, dragging Danzo out of his funk, unloading babysitting duty for a colicky jinchuuriki onto him because Hiruzen claimed he couldn't trust anyone else to bottle-feed the runt without it ending in blood and tears, and then eventually stealing the blanket and most of the futon when Hiruzen finally got around to sleeping.

Sakumo looked up from the boys and gave Danzo a blindingly bright smile.

"See?" Hiruzen said. "If Sakumo can tell you're currently all bark, then I know this is going to work out." He stamped some of the adoption documents. "The youngest who have no concept of the jinchuuriki and are unlikely to retain memories of what was said and done and can be placed with trusted families that we can observe from afar for any possible influence from Orochimaru. That still leaves the oldest – too many, it looks like. I don't think that Tsume should take all seven of them, given that she now has six children with first claims to her attention."

Hiruzen flipped through all the papers, and then sighed. "Nine, six years old. Well, I'll give you the oldest two, and you can have shared custody with Tsume. If anyone asks why Shimura Danzo suddenly developed an interest in heirs or offspring, I'll just tell them that Tsume was authorized to assume control of the entire orphanage upon the discovered death of the previous director, and you are assisting her because you are a responsible citizen with far too much time on his hands since retiring from active shinobi duty."

"I didn't retire." Danzo twisted the wrist of his bound arm to salute his old friend and comrade with a middle finger. "You forced me out with this nonsense of physical disability."

Hiruzen gave him a droll look. Danzo only got vulgar when he was feeling frazzled. "The Kyuubi put you into traction, and you didn't even wait long enough for the muscle relaxants to kick in before ducking out of the hospital."

Danzo matched the droll look with an unapologetic shrug. "I reiterate once more that I was merely trying to free up a bed for someone who was in worse condition than I was. How badly injured could I possibly have been if I could successfully climb out a window and crawl home through the rubble?"

"You would've lost full use of your arm and leg if Sakumo hadn't found you and made a reasonable attempt at nursing you back to health. Besides, at least with this way, you can't say my latest idea makes you look like an unmitigated bastard."

"Ah, yes, because nothing says generosity quite like someone who looks after orphans, right? The last time you spread word around of my new gardening hobby, the Yamanaka flower shop refused to do any business with me for six months in fear of my black thumb. When word gets around that I've assumed responsibility for orphans, the Akamichi won't let me anywhere near their candy shops or bakeries."

Tsume swung her legs over the baby gate, black kettle swaying in one hand while she balanced four intact cushions in another. "I had to save these – they're the only ones that the pups didn't get to," she said as she dropped the cushions in a corner.

The men were silent as she poured the hot water over the noodles, stirred to dissolve the seasonings, and then set the Styrofoam cups aside for a few minutes to soften up. She leaned back against the counter and studied the two boys for a moment as they attempted to mimic Sakumo's chakra strings. "I think this will work out very well," she said brightly. "So, what're we doing?

Hiruzen handed her a sheath of papers. "Fourteen children is too much for you to handle all at once, when your first priority of the new orphans should be Naruto. It's not fair to Kushina's child, or to your own." Tsume's face fell. "You will share custody with Danzo on the eldest two – Fuu and Sai. The remainder, here, may be absorbed by your clan."

Tsume plucked at the edge of the papers, trying not to look disheartened. After a moment, she said, "No pup should ever be unwanted, no matter who tinkered with them."

"It's not a matter of wanting, Tsume. It's a matter of making sure you don't take on more than you can handle. And since you can't tell yourself no when it comes to vulnerable children, I must do so for you."

Tsume nibbled her bottom lip. She looked ready to argue for a few moments, and then deflated when she glanced sideways at the two boys. "I'm sure my clan will absorb the rest." It would give Tsume the ability to still closely watch the children for any undue taint without being overwhelmed. But it wouldn't be easy to get her clanswomen to adopt non-Inuzuka boys.

"Any questions, Danzo?"

"What do you mean by shared custody? One week with me, then one week with Tsume?"

"Oh, I'll leave you two to figure that out. You're both such mature adults who like to talk out your problems, after all." Hiruzen turned back to his regular pile of paperwork, radiating smug superiority once again.

Danzo sullenly pondered whether this latest stunt was justification for finally planting that kunai into Hiruzen's back.

oOoOoOo

Tsume had the ramen divided in three bowls (the largest portion meant for Sakumo), when she darted to the kitchen door. She threw it open, stuck her head through, and yelled, "Don't you dare come pushing into my house smelling of that attitude! You'll spook Sakumo, and the Hokage just got him washed and groomed. Go stick your head in a snow bank until you stop simmering, because Sakumo hasn't eaten yet." And then, after a brief moment in which Danzo was sure the incoming persons were stunned silent from Tsume's unexpected offense, Tsume added, "But you may come in and warm your toes, Fugaku."

Fugaku did, doing a poor job at masking his glee. He knocked the snow off his boots as Tsume handed out ramen and chopsticks to Sakumo and the two boys. Sakumo turned twitchy eyes to the kitchen door, and spent more time fidgeting with his chopsticks than actually eating.

Hiruzen looked up from his paperwork. "Did you honestly just tell the Assistant Head of Internal Affairs to stick his head in a snow bank? Really, Tsume, you shouldn't antagonize authority like that." Hiruzen wasn't amused with her disrespect. Kagami had invested almost his entire adult life working to create respect for Internal Affairs. Danzo was amused – and so was Fugaku, it appeared, but they were both wise enough to be subtle about their amusement.

Tsume stubbornly crossed her arms before herself. "That ass spooked Sakumo the last time he came storming into my kitchen, before I even started on the injections. It took three months before I could get Sakumo to hold still for his shots again. I wouldn't let the Uchiha Police storm their way into my property when Naruto was scared, so why should I let anyone else? I don't care if he is the Assistant Head. As long as Kagami is alive, that man will follow Kagami's example, and I will hold him to it until the day I die. Kagami never throws his weight or his clan name around, and he was always polite and gentle when requiring my presence."

Kuromaru raised his head up. "Besides, he doesn't like Sakumo." Kuromaru spoke so rarely to nin-Inuzuka adults that everyone took a moment to mull over his words.

"I do," Fugaku said, gently. He even smiled at Sakumo. His general hostility towards Kakashi over the Sharingan eye never affected the way he treated Sakumo. Danzo had a smidgeon of respect for Fugaku for such. Danzo didn't have respect for much else about Fugaku, but a lesser man would've extended the hostility towards the father of Kakashi.

Sakumo hunched over his ramen as his cheeks turned red. He twirled the noodles around. Fugaku sat down beside Hiruzen at the kitchen table.

"We all adore you," Tsume told Sakumo as she moved to crouch beside him. She grinned as she threw an arm around his shoulders and planted a dry kiss against his cheek. The color in Sakumo's cheeks increased, but his mouth twisted into a goofy grin. As Tsume moved to stuff napkins down the front of the boys' shirts to keep them clean from spilled broth, Sakumo turned his attention to his own food. He ate without the supplied chopsticks.

"I suppose," Danzo began, not moving, "that I should get up and make myself more presentable."

"Going to be hard to do that with my bathrobe," Tsume said, dabbing at Kiba's chin. He squirmed away from her. Naruto tilted his bowl to drain the last vestiges of broth and nearly toppled over backwards. Sakumo chewed with his mouth open.

Danzo secured the flannel more tightly around himself. My bathrobe.

"In all fairness," Fugaku began, once Tsume gathered up bowls and chopsticks, "I don't believe that Tsume, the children, or Sakumo should be present during this review and discussion."

Tsume glared defensively. "My children!"

"Yes," Fugaku said with a knowing nod, "and the Assistant Head is deliberately going to use language that's going to rile you up, to try and show the Hokage that you're too unstable to be a parent to the host of the nine-tailed demon. Believe me when I say that the man is very prejudiced against the jinchuuriki – I had to hear about it all the way from headquarters. Honestly, Hokage-sama, he is a very poor substitute for Kagami, and I really think you should appoint someone else – and I'm not just saying this because I'm used to an Uchiha holding the office of Head of Internal Affairs. Have you considered Aburame Shikuro? He's much more likely to keep a situation calm when investigating, instead of deliberately goading and destabilizing the situation."

Tsume growled.

Danzo tilted his head back and chuckled, so Tsume leveled her growl at him. "Come now," he told her, "it looks like plans A through C are not viable options. It's time for Plan D."

Tsume's growled shifted into confusion. She blinked a few times, glancing from Danzo, to Fugaku, to Sakumo (who was looking rather nervous and shy as he wrung his hands), and then back to Danzo. "I have a Plan D?"

"Yes. Divide and diffuse."

"That…" She frowned in thought, no doubt racking her brain for all the strategy that she could remember Sakumo, Danzo, and Kokoro forcing on her throughout the years. "That doesn't fall under B?"

Danzo supposed, given her linear thinking, that it qualified in the most remote sense. "Not necessarily. Remove the motivation to fight, diffuse the situation before it has a chance to occur, and you've already won the battle. In this case, the Hokage approves of your adoption. By removing yourself and Naruto from this area, you will essentially eliminate the weapons before they can be used against you. You cannot perpetrate a perceived crime if you're not present to do so."

The frown deepened. "I think you lost me."

Fugaku rolled his eyes. "If you aren't here, then Hyuuga-san can't make you lose your temper, and then he won't have an argument to present to the Hokage."

"Oh. Oooooooh." She set the dirty dishes in the kitchen sink. "So… I guess I could go talk to Oyubi about what I'm doing. And she can help me decide which of our clanswomen might be interested in adopting some of the boys." In the last twelve years, only ten Inuzuka women had chosen to keep their sons. Half of those women were dead, following the Kyuubi's attack. "And I guess there's no time like the present."

"Of course," Hiruzen said primly, no doubt pleased that Tsume wasn't going to be around to inadvertently antagonize and insult another powerful clan. "Take the papers with you, here. It has their information." Tsume frequently got away with it with the Uchiha – Danzo suspected that the lenience that the Uchiha clan gave Tsume was that of an exasperated, barely-tolerant big brother who was reluctantly fond of his special-needs sister, as they seemed to have taken a page out of Kagami's book – but that was a sentiment not shared with the equally-haughty Hyuuga clan.

As Tsume shepherded the two boys and Sakumo from her kitchen to the wide window in the living room ("Put your shirt back on, Sakumo! It's freezing outside and I'm already wearing four layers! No, no, arms back in the sleeves!") with Kuromaru following closely at their heels, Danzo sadly reflected that it was a true shame that Kagami's failing heart had forced him into semi-retirement at the same time as Sakumo spiraled into madness. Perhaps, if the Assistant Head of the IA had conducted the inquest into Sakumo's failed mission with the calm finesse that Kagami was so renowned for, his blundering subordinate might not have shattered into such a spectacular mess. Or maybe it would've only delayed the inevitable effects of Orochimaru's seal.

Danzo made a mental note to side with Fugaku on replacing the Assistant Head… Even if he had to arrange an accident that would open up said position of Assistant Head.

Tsume always felt that the destruction had been deliberate on Hiro's part, although Danzo felt that ignorance was more the cause than anything else. Danzo had learned, over the years, to never attribute to malice without first considering general stupidity and pride. Of course, ignorance was not an acceptable excuse in Danzo's book – not for Hyuuga Hiro and certainly not for Danzo, because he should've realized sooner that something had been wrong with Sakumo ever since the mission with the circus.

Danzo rose from his place on the kitchen floor, and walked to the door to let in Hyuuga Hiro. If there was anyone in the village that he chose to actively (and subtly) undermine and demean besides the Uchiha clan, it was the Assistant Head of IA, who would never be as worthy as Kagami. Danzo's smile felt like it belonged to Orochimaru as he opened the door and bowed his head slightly in greeting.