That night, I realize, possibly too late, that I left my journal at InuYasha's house. The one with all of my feelings. It's not that I think he'll purposely read it… It's just… When I stood up, it fell… and I'm not sure if it was left open or not…
I lay down and try to sleep it off.
Besides…
He probably wouldn't read it.
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InuYasha sat down on his bed. He couldn't believe she had left… But he felt like all he could do was act like he understood her.
'I sound so foolish… like one of those guys in love with a girl… But I don't love her. I feel pity for her.'
He looked at the ground.
'What is that?' He picks up the open book on the ground.
"Her feelings… from earlier." He looks it over and decides to read it. There's nothing more he wants then to understand her.
Pain… I feel pain. She left me, as if I had raped her myself!
Anger… I feel anger! Boiling within my stomach is the evil power of anger! I want to strangle every living thing when someone pisses me off…
Restraint. I have restraint. When I want to strangle these people, I remind myself that I don't really know how my mother was. So I restrain it.
Sadness. I feel sad for losing the one thing I might have really needed in this life. The one simple thing that could save me from the Devil.
Owned. I feel like I'm owned by the Devil himself for the demonic feelings I allow to cook inside me. Burn them, he whispers, burn those deadly sins! Lust, envy, vanity… All of them… BURN THEM!
Burning… Inside me, I feel a burning match that lights when I'm around him… InuYasha… the man I might be able to open up to… Someday, maybe I'll love him. But someday, I believe, is a day that will never come.
Not in my life time.
InuYasha stares at the page for a while and then closes it.
'I might know how to relate to her… I think I need to talk with Sesshomaru.'
InuYasha stands up and walks to the room next door, ready to face his brother.
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I'm determined! I will find out all about my mother!
I sigh as my confident streak passes. I walk to the book shelves and search for books on emotions.
It's weekend, and I managed to get out of the orphanage to go to the library. I feel this dire urge to learn to understand what my mother might have been feeling when she got raped. It would be too hard for me to ask questions about her now. So I'll start by understanding her situation.
I just hope it works.
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InuYasha knocked on his brothers door and opened it when he got no response.
"What do you want, InuYasha?" Sesshomaru doesn't even glance at him, and keeps looking at the book in front of him.
"I'm here about Kagome Akito."
"Who?" Sesshomaru looks up at InuYasha this time, but no expression could be read on his face.
"You might recognize the last name… 'Higurashi'?"
Sesshomaru straightens up in his chair and sits in a regal position.
"What do you wish to know about the Higurashis?"
"Everything."
Sesshomaru shifts slightly.
"Everything is a lot of stuff, InuYasha." He spits out his half brothers name with hate, but is willing to speak of the story that he knows of the Higurashi family.
"Try me."
Sesshomaru sighs.
"Akikyo Higurashi was raised in a nice family. She didn't ask for too much from anyone. At least, this I noticed in the few years I knew her for. I was only about 11 years old when she got raped. I heard about it through my parents, who knew everything about everyone. I felt bad for her. I guess that pity drew me toward her. I spoke with her about how she felt. She was extremely angered. But she grew to enjoy what her father would do to her at night. Before, she detested it. It wasn't until he raped her for the fifth time, that she got pregnant.
"Inside her was a child. She knew that. But she wanted to get an abortion more than anything. But the morals she was raised upon wouldn't let her do that. I would speak to her, and she'd tell me everything she felt. She felt pain and anger. She felt betrayed. She had brought it upon herself, and yet she hadn't.
"In the end, Akikyo decided that giving her baby girl up would be the best thing to do. Keeping her would only cause problems. I told her it was wise, but questioned her on where she'd place her child. She only gave me a sigh as a response and walked away. I couldn't follow her, seeing as I didn't care too much about what she did. But I did wonder what she planned to do.
"It wasn't that she didn't love her child. She did. She just didn't know what to do with her. She would constantly remind her of her father and his evil deeds. A constant reminder of her mistakes. She sometimes imagined what life would be like… if she could simply kill herself… Slit her wrists with a sharp knife and watch them bleed like crazy. Then she'd fall to her knees, and she told me that when she falls to her knees, she'll be smiling. Smiling because finally, she'll have escaped.
"This didn't happen though. Akikyo is still alive. But after she gave birth, she ran away. She couldn't take it. Her daughter was left in the hospitals care, but they decided to take her to the local orphanage. They only left her with a few pieces of information. Lies, of course.
"They told her that her mom was raped by her father, hated it, but ended up pregnant, and then gave birth, left her alone, and ran back to her father for more. This isn't what a little girl should hear." Sesshomaru looks at InuYasha.
"I'm assuming the reason you asked was because of that girl… Kagome?"
"Yes Sesshomaru… It bothered me… I wanted to know. That would explain why Kagome is so dark…" InuYasha stares at the ground and then turns to the door. "Thanks anyways." He walks out and shuts Sesshomaru's door.
Sesshomaru watches him leave and turns to his desk and stares at it.
"Sesshomaru! Come here! Come see my beautiful child!"
Sesshomaru ran to Akikyo's side and looked through the glass at the chubby-faced baby. Akikyo sighed and smiled at him.
"I only wish I could stay here and tell her the truth. But it would only cause both of us problems. She'll just have to grow up thinking her mother is a hooker or something. I just wish her the best." Sesshomaru watches as she blows a kiss at the child.
"I promise you, Akikyo, I'll watch over your child. No matter how I must do it, she'll always be safe." Sesshomaru watches as Akikyo runs away, far from that place, never to return… for a long time.
Sesshomaru stares at the picture on his desk of Akikyo.
"I promised you. And now… InuYasha will fulfill that promise."
He smiles softly at it and picks it up.
"If it makes you feel any better, Akikyo…………." He pauses.
"She has your eyes."
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I sigh and lay down the book. I've found five books on dark emotions, and not one of them helped me at all.
"Excuse me miss, but someone is here for you." The librarian taps my shoulder gently and I stand up and walk over to the counter.
My caretaker is standing there, smiling.
"Come on Kagome, time to leave." She grabs my hand and pulls me out.
The librarian simply watches and shrugs.
I sigh and get into the car and wait until we get back.
"Did you have fun, Kagome?"
I nod.
"Good. Now you can go back to the orphanage and ask around. Don't be scared. Some of the teachers actually like you."
I look at her and sigh. I'd never be able to figure out who.
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We arrived at the orphanage in no time, and she sent me off in the direction of one of the teachers.
I sigh as I knock on the door to one of the teachers' rooms.
It takes a minute before she answers, and when she does she gives me a smile.
"Hello, miss Kagome. What have you got to say?"
I look at her and take out the paper I brought to talk with. I write on it as fast as I can, noticing her watch me.
I want to know about my mother.
She reads it and looks at me.
"You want to know about Akikyo…"
I nod my head.
"Well… Akikyo Higurashi was normal. Until she got raped. I remember the news talking about something similar to it. Everyone around here knew she had gotten raped by her father. She was mortified at her reputation. But after the first time he raped her, she craved it. She wanted it. She'd craw into his room and demand it of him.
"Of course he'd go along with it. He enjoyed any girl he could get his hands on. That's why you're lucky you don't know him.
"She got pregnant after the third time they did this, and got even more mortified. She wanted to abort you more than anything, but wasn't allowed too because her mom wanted a grandchild, even in the circumstance. So she dealt with you.
"When she gave birth to you, she ran off. But when she ran off, she found she still wanted him. This brought her back for two more years. Then she moved away for her career, but forgot about you all together."
The teacher looks at me.
"I'm sorry that she's so terrible."
I shake my head at her apology and walk away.
I'm not sure what my heart was feeling… And the only sign that it felt something was…
When that tear fell down my cheek.
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After being told about the true story, I decided to think about it more. Everyone I've ever spoken to has said the same thing.
She's horrible.
And I believe it.
I believe she is the spawn of the Devil. What leads me to this conclusion?
Well me of course.
I'm her daughter… I'm exactly like her… All that I'll ever do is cause pain for everyone who knows me. It pains me to feel that way… and yet it's so true.
'You have your mothers cruel, devilish eyes.'
I used to hear that a lot. I'm so used to it, I just ignore it.
With a final thought, I feel my eyelids drop and shade my eyes from the air as I drift to a world where everything is pink and happy. My false reality lives in my dreams.
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InuYasha scans the students as they enter the school grounds, searching for Kagome. She seems to be no where nearby.
She's so mysterious…He finds that his mind slowly drifts to the thoughts of Kagome herself- and the way she slowly seduces him without words.
Futile words of an insecure mind… She proves that they aren't needed.
With a shake of his head, InuYasha realizes what happened and stands up straight.
"InuYasha, you're spacing out!" He stares at the parking lot and ignores the looks he receives from passing students.
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I sigh. This morning was the same as the last. Dreadful and loud.
I rub my ear at the memory of the shrill screeches my caretaker so kindly placed in my ears and walk the rest of the way to school.
Upon my arrival there, though, I noticed InuYasha. What could he possibly be waiting for?
I walk up and tap him on the shoulder. I give a small smirk when he jumps and stares at me.
"Kagome, I have much to discuss with you!"
I stare at him for a moment and then tilt my head as if saying 'go right ahead'. He grabs my hand and pulls me inside to a hidden wall in the school. Confused, as I always am, I watch him.
"Kagome, I know everything about what happened with your mom."
I stare at him.
How?
I watch as he sighs and hands me my notebook.
"It was open and I read your feelings. It made me think… and then I realized… You're mom knew my brother."
This time my mouth opens as I nod, wanting to hear more. Half of me believes him… The other half says he doesn't really care enough to know these things.
As he starts to open his mouth to tell me more, the bell rings loud. He sighs and pulls me to the hall way.
"We have Science together first period. Meet up with me during prep period and I'll share more."
I sigh and nod and we slowly walk to Science.
A lot of things are on my mind right now.
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Ms. Kagura has once again decided to make us work on our projects in class. I hate working on things around all the gossipy girls, but as the teacher wishes, I must do.
InuYasha takes out all of the supplies he has and watches me as I stare at an empty folder.
"You have nothing?"
I pull out my notebook.
My caretaker doesn't like me using the internet. She said I'll find out too much that way.
He stares at the words and growls slightly.
"I hate that you have to go through this."
I shrug. This is how it always is…
I watch him as he pulls out a small notebook and writes something down.
"Soon, Kagome, you'll be free."
I ignore the comment and start writing a paper from his research. I need to do more work.
I don't need my partner hating me.
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One class period later, and I'm with InuYasha yet again
He smiles at me carefully and sits down.
"My brother, as I said, knew your mom. A long time ago, he was the little boy she would always speak to when she needed comfort. He told me of how much your mother loved you. He said that when she had to leave, she blew a kiss at you. She was happy to have you, but she didn't want you to have to deal with her. She loved you, Kagome."
I stare at him.
I do not, by any chance, believe him. And I never will.
That's not true. You're brother is lying.
I stand up before he speaks and walk away.
I can't believe stories like that anymore. I can't believe anything.
I've even started to think that my name might not even be Kagome.
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Sorry, I got grounded.. -.- Well.. Hope this chapter is ok… I know it's not great.. But I got some plans… I wanted to put them in here, but it's too early… Please keep reading!