Author's notes:
*Warning* This chapter is mostly a flashback to Neal's early childhood. The descriptions of emotional and physical abuse are similar to the ones from the earlier chapters (for example when Neal was kidnapped or when Keller was manipulating him).
The illustration for this chapter you can either find on my DoodleAddicts account (…/vincentthecat) or on the story Rooftops of New York that I post on Archive Of Our Own (VincentTheCat).
If all goes well, I'll post the next chapter in four weeks (05.09).
Chapter 22 "In Danny's Shoes"
"See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven always look upon the face of my heavenly Father."
Matthew 18:10 (NABRE)
"Mum! Mum! Guess what―"
The moment the door opens, Neal pauses. Startled, he takes a quick step back, pressing the precious backpack closer to his chest.
Mister Brooks does not seem to be happy to see him. The adult, leaning against the doorway, gazes gloomily down at Neal. Neal swallows, suddenly remembering the last time Mister Brooks looked at him this way. He feels his heart pick up a pace.
"Who's that?" Neal hears his mum's muffled voice.
"Your little thief," the adult mutters under his breath.
"What?" his mum asks, coming from the kitchen.
Mister Brooks runs a hand over his face. "Your son. He's back," he says a bit louder.
Mum's face brightens as she comes closer, but then frowns with a quick glance at Mister Brooks. "Danny," she says. "You know how late it is?"
Neal does not know. He swallows.
"Of course he does," Mister Brooks snorts. "The real question is why he bothered to come at all."
"Daniel…" Neal watches his mum envelop Mister Brooks in a hug. "Please."
The adult ignores her. His eyes are on Neal. Both his fists are clenched now. "Well, Danny? Is this your home? Maybe not?"
Neal keeps silent. He does not know what to say.
Mister Brooks huffs and takes the backpack from Neal. He opens it, rummages through it until he finds the wallet. He glares first at it and then back at Neal. Neal swallows.
"You're fucked up," the man tells him. He turns to look at Jennifer. "Your kid's fucked up."
Blushing, she looks away. "It's not his fault," he hears her mumble.
"Not his fault?" Mister Brooks slams his fist against the doorframe. "Of course it's HIS fault!" he snarls. "HE's the one who steals, HE's the one who brings us all the time―" Neal tries to turn away, but the adult grabs his arm. "Do not fucking dare."
Neal's heart is hammering. He is sorry. He is so sorry.
The adult yanks on Neal's arm. "Inside!" he snarls.
/\_/\
='x'=
Neal winces as his mum helps him sit up. She kisses his forehead.
"It's only for your own good," she says quietly. "Daniel's worried that if you don't learn your lesson now, someone will see you stealing, and we'll all be in trouble. He cares about you. We both do. You understand that, right?" Neal does not answer and his mum brushes her hand through his hair. "Talk to me, Danny."
His name is not Danny. It has never been and never will be. Rubbing the tears from his face, Neal knows it's better not to say those thoughts aloud.
Mister Brooks huffs. "Stop pampering him!"
Neal feels his mum's hand freeze. Her expression is unreadable as she gazes at the adult. Neal's eyes flick back to Mister Brooks.
"You're pampering him too much. That's why he's not learning," the adult states.
Neal's mum withdraws her hand completely. She lays it on her lap. "But I'm not," she protests weakly.
Neal watches the adult shake his head grimly. "Stop lying to yourself, Jenny. This is not a game. If you don't act now, in a year or two you'll have the pleasure of visiting your kid in prison."
With a sigh, his mum hangs down her head. She is looking neither at Neal nor at Mister Brooks. Neal knows this look. He clenches his fists. No. No. She cannot leave him alone with Mister Brooks now. She cannot―
"He needs to learn," Mister Brooks insists.
Mum, don't go away. The words remain unspoken as Neal's mum gets up. With his heart pounding, Neal watches her cross the way to the fridge, take out a beer, and then go to another room. No. No. No.
"Come on. Get up."
On the edge of tears again, Neal wraps his arms around himself. "I'm really sorry, sir, I'm really sorry, I won't steal anymore or come late, or―, I promise, I won't―, I―"
Mister Brooks snorts. "Sure. As if I haven't heard that before."
Trembling, Neal focuses his gaze on the floor. "Please," he whispers.
A hand tightens on his shoulder and he winces. "Let's go," the adult's voice is firm as he yanks Neal onto his feet. "You and I need to talk a little more."
/\_/\
='x'=
"…Welcome back for the second game of tonight's doubleheader. Here is the starting line-up for the visiting―" As Mister Brooks silences the baseball game, Neal stirs. Rubbing his eyes and blinking away the sleepiness, he tries to make out the view outside the front window. Where are they?
Mister Brooks exits the car, rounds it, and opens the door on Neal's side. "Come on," he says. "Get out."
Hesitantly, Neal does as he has been told. He jumps out of the car and, still rubbing his eyes, looks around. His eyes pause on the large, fenced building ahead.
The adult's heavy hand lands on his shoulder and he flinches.
Mister Brooks points at the building. "Do you know where we are?" he asks.
Neal shakes his head.
The adult snorts. "Prison. Your new home."
/\_/\
='x'=
His cries, pleas and promises do not matter as the adult drags him towards the fenced building. Mister Brooks does not care. "I'm done with your bullshit," he tells him.
"H-help! HELP!"
The adult smacks him and Neal falls to the ground.
"Not a word," Mister Brooks bits out.
Blinking away the tears, Neal shakes his head. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry―"
The adult leans over him, and Neal pauses. Suppressing sobs, he stares wide-eyed at the man.
"Now I'm talking and you're listening, understand?!"
Neal nods frantically.
"This," the adult gestures at the building. "Is where you will go if you continue with this nonsense."
"I'm sorry―"
"Shut up," Mister Brooks grits out. He points at the building again. "This is where all the lowlifes end up, and this is where you will go too. Do you understand?!"
Neal nods again.
"This is the place where kids, who steal and do not show up at home on time, go. And you know what the only difference will be between you and them?"
Trembling, Neal shakes his head.
The adult takes out a cigarette and lights it without taking his eyes off Neal. "Most, if not all, will be older and meaner than you," he says. "And I tell you, you won't make it. They will eat you alive there. How you ask? Well, let me tell you. First…" Listening with horrified fascination as Mister Brooks tells him what prison life will be like, Neal keeps his gaze focused on the adult's face. But he is not going to leave him there, is he?
/\_/\
='x'=
Three cigarettes later, Mister Brooks seems to have finished the story about prison. Neal watches the adult smoke the last cigarette in silence. The man drops it on the ground, stomps it with his feet and just then turns to look at Neal again. "So? How does it sound, Danny? Am I to leave you there?"
Neal shakes his head. "Please, no," he says.
"But how do I know that in a day or two you won't show up with a stolen wallet again? Or come after midnight, so fucking pleased with yourself…"
"I promise I will not steal!" Neal pauses and takes a steadying breath. Mister Brooks does not like whinnies, he must calm down. "Please, let's just go home and―"
"Oh," the adult snorts. "So you do have a home?"
"Please, please, sir, I'll be good, I'll―"
Neal winces as the adult rests his hand on top of his head, but when Mister Brooks speaks, his voice sounds gentle.
"Look at me, Neal," the adult says.
Slowly, Neal looks up. Neal? Neal has never heard the adult use his real name before. Why would he―
"You need to stop fooling around, boy, do you hear me?" He waves his hand. "Because if you don't, sooner or later, this will be your life."
Suppressing the tears, Neal shakes his head. "I'm sorry, please, I'll never―" Noticing his voice quivering once again, he clenches his fists. Calm. He needs to be calm. "Never again, Mister Brooks, never again―"
The adult sighs heavily.
He ruffles Neal's hair, then with another heavy sigh, he drops his hand to the side.
"I hope so," he says. "Not this month, anyway. You're grounded till the end of it."
Neal's heart beats faster. "But tomorrow we were supposed to go with mum to the gallery―" he pauses. "I'm sorry!"
"No, you're not! You're doing this again!" the adult snarls. "Memory of a fucking goldfish!"
Unable to stop the tears any longer, Neal ducks his head and wraps his arms around his stomach. He is so sorry.
"You'll be even more sorry when we get home. I promise you that." The adult yanks Neal to his feet, then pushes him forward in the opposite direction of the prison. "To the car," he says.
/\_/\
='x'=
Feeling light-headed, Neal listens to the recorded baseball game as it begins to play again. He trembles and feels sick. Mister Brooks' promise still echoes in his mind. He does not want to be more sorry. His stomach hurts. Why won't the adult just leave him alone? He and his mum were doing just fine before Mister Brooks showed up. Neal wraps his arms around his legs and closes his eyes tightly. He cannot puke now. He needs to hold it in. If he pukes now, the adult will surely remember his promise and…
The car comes to an abrupt stop and Neal vomits.
"FUCK!" The adult curses. "You fucking―"
Shivering, Neal hears no curses. Just ringing in his ears. Ringing and…
"Get out," Mister Brooks' voice comes to Neal as if from a distance.
"What," he mumbles.
"I said, GET OUT!" the adult yells.
Under Mister Brooks' angry gaze, Neal fumbles with the latch. Finally, he manages to open it. The moment he jumps out of the car, the adult slams the door.
"Single mother with a kid. What was I thinking..." is the last thing Neal hears before the man drives off.
Not understanding, Neal stares after the car as it disappears around the corner. Then he starts running. As fast as he can. "MISTER BROOKS! MISTER BROOKS!" he yells.
Breathless, he reaches the bend where the car has vanished, but neither the adult nor his car is there. With his heart pounding, Neal looks around. He does not recognize this street at all. Where is he?!
His gaze rests on the person sitting on the bench at the bus stop. He can feel the man's eyes on him. But his gaze is dazed, and soon the adult turns his attention back to the beer in his hand. Neal watches him gulp it down, then sigh heavily and close his eyes. As the man's head falls against his chest, Neal looks away. He shivers. He needs to get home.
Wrapping his arms around his stomach, Neal begins walking again.
/\_/\
='x'=
Neal does not get very far, before he has to stop.
He tastes sour in his mouth. He is wet and cold. He is so cold. If only he could get out of this cold. Feeling another shiver run through him, Neal looks around.
He could try spending a night on someone's rooftop, he guesses. Only how to get there?
Yawning, Neal starts walking towards the dumpster. Perhaps if he could climb one of those and then somehow reach that ladder… His feet stumble and he falls to the ground. Rooftops are where artists dwell, he thinks, as he gets up.
He gets to the dumpster and climbs it with difficulty. Then, a bit unsteadily he stands up, but when he tries to reach the ladder, his gaze wavers, and screaming, Neal falls into the dumpster.
/\_/\
='x'=
For a long moment after waking up, Neal stares at the sky above his head. It is beautiful. Starry. The garbage underneath is quite comfortable. It is just as good a place to spend the night as any other. And he will be protected from the wind here. His eyelids feel very heavy.
Meow.
Neal frowns. What was that?
Meow. Meow. The squeaky voice repeats again and again.
Neal tries to straighten up, but the only thing he manages to do is falling deeper into the garbage.
Meow. Meow. Meow! the desperate cries continue.
He listens attentively. It is almost as if the sound is coming from…
Neal gasps, then quickly tears apart one of the trash bags. Two tiny eyes meet his.
Meow, a ginger kitten repeats despairingly, showing its toothless mouth.
Gingerly, Neal picks up the kitten. It is warm and wet. Feeling awe, Neal pats its greasy head.
"Meow," he whispers.
/\_/\
='x'=
…Danny! Danny! Danny…!
Weak, despairing screams come to Neal as if from under the water. Some adult is searching for someone, but Neal does not care.
The kitten meowing is the only sound he cares about. The kitten tells him something and Neal happily listens to his every word. His fur is very sticky, but when Neal takes the kitten's paw between his fingers and looks at his pads, he can see that they are clean and soft.
"We're going to be friends for life, okay?" he whispers.
Okay, the kitten agrees, and Neal, snuggling him close to his chest, stifles another yawn. The kitten feels so warm. And soft. He is so soft.
NEAL! The sudden shout makes Neal open his eyes wide.
"NEAL! Damn it, kid, come out…!"
Is it just his imagination or does this voice…
"Mister Brooks," Neal gasps.
"Neal?!" the voice shouts back and Neal, frantically, tries to get up. "NEAL, where are you?!"
"Mister Brooks!" Neal cries, shielding the kitten with one hand while the other grasps the edge of the dumpster, as he tries to stand up. "Mister Brooks!"
Suddenly, a hand grips his shoulder. When Neal looks up, he meets Mister Brooks' wide-open eyes. "Neal! Neal, what the heck―"
"Mister Brooks," sobbing, Neal snuggles his face to the hand on his shoulder. "Mister Brooks, please, forgive me, please―"
Saying nothing, the adult picks Neal up by his armpits, and Neal, still holding the kitten with one hand, wraps the other around the adult's neck.
"Mister Brooks," he sobs. "I'm so sorry! Please, let's go home, please―"
The adult grunts. "Alright," he says after a moment. "Alright," he repeats.
Trembling, Neal tightens his grip around his neck. They are saved.
/\_/\
='x'=
When Mister Brooks takes the seat beside Neal, he does not turn on the radio. They drive home in silence interrupted only by the squeaky meowing of the kitten.
Once they stop on the parking lot, Mister Brooks turns to look at him. He clears his throat.
"I hope…" he pauses. "I hope this has taught you a lesson."
Meow. Meow, the kitten squeaks and Neal chuckles.
"Meow," he tells him once more.
"Kid―"
Smiling, Neal turns to look at Mister Brooks. "Can I keep him?" he asks. "Please, can I?!"
The adult furrows his forehead. "I've asked you―" he pauses. "Only if you promise not to steal anymore."
"I promise!" Neal exclaims, leaning forward to hug the adult. "Oh, thank you, thank you―"
The adult pushes him away. "Don't thank me. Just remember that the moment you misbehave, the cat is out."
"Okay," Neal breaths gratefully. "I won't."
"Good," the man says, then grimaces, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel. "Just let's not tell your mother that I left you there. Or about that dumpster, alright?"
With his eyes fixed on the kitten again, Neal nods happily. "Thank you," he whispers, snuggling the little, warm, furry ball close to his chest yet again.
/\_/\
='x'=
The moment Mister Brooks opens the door, Neal's mum emerges from the kitchen. She unsteadily comes closer.
"Where have you been? I've been calling―" she pauses. "Why does he look like this!"
Quickly, Neal jumps to her side. "Mummy, mummy, look! Mister Brooks gave me a kitten!" he exclaims.
His mum blinks. "Really…?" She turns to look at the adult. "That's nice."
Mister Brooks shrugs. "It is," he says. "Anyway. See you tomorrow."
"What!" Neal's mum grabs Mister Brooks by the arm. "But Daniel, I thought―"
The adult tears his hand away from her grasp. "I need a drink and I need a break, Jennifer. I'm sorry."
"Daniel―"
"He's grounded for the rest of the month. Remember that!" the adult says, turns on his heel and shuts the door close.
His mum gazes at the door for a long moment, then falls to her knees. "Daniel," she whispers.
With some hesitation, Neal sits down next to her on the floor. He rests his hand on her back. "Mummy?"
Her eyes are distant as she looks at him. "He left," she says. "Just like that," she covers her face. "Fetch me a beer…" she mumbles.
Silently, Neal obeys her. Moments later, still holding the kitten close to his chest, he is back with two cans of beer. He opens one of them and gives it to his mum.
"I hate him," she says. "I hate him… If he comes back tomorrow, I won't let him in, I swear I won't. He's such a jerk, why won't he just―" With his arms tightly wrapped around his mum, Neal listens to her words in silence.
/\_/\
='x'=
His mum is calm again, finishing her second beer. Neal feels her fingers playing with his hair. "You smell like trash," she says suddenly.
Neal looks up. "It's because of the kitten! We heard him meowing and rescued him! See?!" He happily picks up the kitten and shows him to his mum. "But listen! He can talk so well―" suddenly, Neal pauses.
The kitten no longer meows. And his eyes are closed. "MUM!"
With a frown his mum picks up the kitten. "It is warm," she says after a moment. "So I don't think―"
"He's dying! I know he is! He's d-dead!" Crying, Neal tries to take the kitten away. "He's―"
His mum gets up. "Maybe it just got tired. Or hungry."
Stifling tears, Neal gets up too. His knees weaken beneath him as he follows her to the kitchen.
His mum places the kitten on the table and then turns to open the fridge.
"Cheese. Sausage," his mum passes on the products to Neal. "See, that's all Daniel's doing. When we were alone, we never had a full fridge," she says a bit absently.
Neal says nothing. He places the food in front of the kitten. "Here you go."
The kitten does not move.
"Eat," Neal orders.
He feels that his mum is behind him. She rests one hand on the table and the other on his right shoulder. "Well?"
"I don't know," Neal shakes his head, feeling tears in his eyes. "It's not working."
"Huh." His mum pats Neal's head, then taps the table. "So it's either a picky-eater or the pieces are too big," she decides.
Of course! Neal immediately turns around and takes a knife out of the sink crammed to the full with dirty dishes. Then he puts the cheese on the chair and cuts the slice. "Like that?" he asks his mum.
"Smaller," she instructs him. "The smallest you can cut. If this kitten's a bit like a baby, it probably can't chew properly yet."
While Neal finishes the task, his mum in silence finishes her can of beer. Pushing the small pieces of food in front of the kitten, Neal bites his lip. "Come on. Eat." The kitten licks its lips but makes no move to eat. Worriedly, Neal turns to look at his mum. "Mum?"
"A moment," she mumbles as she fumbles with another can of beer. The ring pull breaks off. "Damn," she says, then takes the knife Neal has left on the chair. She attempts to puncture the can and Neal freezes. He suddenly remembers that she once tried to do it before and the blood―
"Mummy, let me do this!" he says and takes the can and the knife from her hands before she can protest. Hiding the old can behind his back, he finds a new undamaged can of beer. In silence, he opens it for her, and when she gets busy with drinking again, he unobtrusively throws both the knife and the damaged can into one of the pots with the stale, mouldy water. There is a soft splash and the items are drowning, but his mum does not seem to notice it.
Neal turns to look at the kitten and notices that it is not moving again and its eyes are closed. Neal clenches his fists. "EAT NOW!" he yells at it.
"Oh! I know what to do!" his mum suddenly says. "Add milk to it all! Cats like milk, right!"
"Right!" Neal exclaims then jumps to the fridge to take out a bottle of milk. He pours it over the chopped ingredients lying in front of the kitten. His mum grabs his wrist a second too late.
They watch as the milk spills on the table. The kitten meows when its belly gets wet. Neal picks it up immediately.
His mum chuckles. "Well, that's a mess."
Feeling warm on his face, Neal places the kitten on the chair, then turns back to the sink with the dirty dishes again. He finds a mug with dried coffee inside and, after getting rid of the little grains as best as he can, puts it on the chair next to the wet kitten. Then he adds the mashed sausage and cheese to it. While he pours what's left of the milk into the mug, his mum slumps down onto the floor with a sigh.
"I'm really doing my best," she mumbles. "I'm doing my best. And Daniel is good for us… He really is…"
Neal hesitates for a moment, then takes the mixture he has made and the kitten and sits down next to his mum on the floor. "Okay, and now you'll eat." He dips his fingers in the milky mash and then smears the mixture over cat's snout. "Come on. If you don't, Mister Brooks will come back and make you regret!" he threatens, poking its head. The puzzled kitten opens its eyes for a moment. It licks its mouth, then starts licking the food off Neal's fingers to his delight. "Mum! Mum! He's eating!"
"Good boy," his mum says. She kisses his forehead. "Good, good boy."
Neal chuckles, then dips his fingertips into the mixture again. He watches in amazement as the kitten licks it off. "You're going to be okay," he promises his best friend.
His mum sighs. "When you think of it, I'm surprised Daniel has let you keep this cat. He has told me no pets are allowed."
"But this one's special," Neal whispers, kissing the kitten on its tiny, ginger forehead.
His mum ruffles his hair. "Of course," she mumbles. "And so is Daniel… He is really good to us." She yawns. "He'll take care of us. I know he will. You just need to be good to him... Forget all those things I've taught you. You're Danny now, not Neal."
Nodding, Neal gives the food to the kitten again. "I'm Danny. I promise."
Stifling a yawn, his mum leans over to give Neal a hug. "Alright, my little artist," she mumbles.
Neal relaxes in her embrace, and when she slumps down onto the floor after a while, he and the kitten lie down right next to her. Feeling his mum's warmth on his back and observing his new friend as he continues to lick the mash off his fingers, Neal smiles. He thinks everything will be alright.
/\_/\
='x'=
"Neal, Neal, sweetheart, wake up," the voice sounds sweet and familiar. Listening to it, Neal smiles.
"Mum," he mumbles snuggling his face into the warmth.
A gentle hand brushes through his hair. "Neal, you need to wake up. We have to take you to the hospital, remember?"
Neal's eyes widen at the word hospital. He jumps to his feet. "Hos―" The world wavers in front of his eyes and he has to grab the table to keep from falling. Someone grabs his left elbow and Neal freezes. He stares blankly at the strange woman's face. Who is she?
"Neal, sweetie, it's alright," the woman says. "Neal, you're safe here."
Saying nothing, Neal glances first at the grim-looking man - the second adult in the van, and then at the Labrador dog. The creature whines, looking at him with friendly caramel eyes.
"Satch," Neal mumbles. He relaxes. The woman whose name is Elle helps him sit down on the floor again. Wagging his tail, the dog licks his face. Neal smiles as he hugs his friend. "Satch," he repeats. Then he straightens up. "And Vincent?!" he demands.
"He's at our home. Waiting until you two can meet again. He'll be safe there," Elle explains.
Neal clenches his fists. "Okay," he says. "Then I want to meet now. Let's go to your home."
She looks at him for a moment. "Sweetie, I don't think we can right now. You've been through a lot. We need to get you to the hospital and―" Neal's heart picks up pace. Feds. Cops. Prison. Mister Brooks' ominous words echo through his mind. He looks over Elle at Mister Morris. Surely not. Surely the adult would never lock him up like that. He is too nice. He finally helped get Mister Keller help and he has always been so polite to talk to, and besides, he does not really look like a bad person and―
"Please sir, you have to help me," Neal pauses and swallows, remembering the adults do not like whinnies. "I just need― I just need an hour or two. And I will be out of New York and out of your hair forever," he says more steadily, then quickly continues. "I mean me and the kitten, I have to take him with me. But please, sir, you look like a decent person, you have to know it's not fair, I don't belong behind bars, I don't, I've done nothing wrong and―" Still forcing himself to look straight in the eyes of the adult, Neal breathes sharply. "Please!"
Next(05.09): How To Save a Life
❤ Replies to guest reviews from the previous chapter ❤
MarJan53, I'm looking forward to it too! ❤ Though admittedly, I'm having a lot of trouble deciding how to get there. :P I thought I had a plan, but when I started to write drafts, I realized how difficult it is for me to actually put it in words. I think I like to complicate the plot too much for my own sake. :P
/\_/\
='x'=
Amber, I feel honoured! Thank you so much! ❤❤❤ I cannot put into words how amazing and rewarding it is to see that someone enjoys what I write. I'm just so grateful. :) ❤
/\_/\
='x'=
Macy, I can't express how happy I was when I saw your comment! ❤ Thank you for finding the time to write me back. It means a lot to me. I feel honoured that I can support you in this small way. People are truly wonderfully made. Because we're all unique, irreplaceable, one of a kind individuals, we know that we cannot really expect another person to fully understand us. And so, even when surrounded by the closest friends, we can sometimes feel very lonely. And yet, each of us is capable of giving others a genuine smile and a kind word.
Last week, someone told me that the greatest talent that a person has is their ability to love. These words really moved me and I've been contemplating them ever since. Sometimes, even when acting in good faith, people can hurt each other so badly. And yet, at the same time, we can give each other so many good gifts. A word can kill and a word can heal. And our greatest talent is love. I'm very grateful for your kind reply and you remain in my prayers. Take care!
P.S. On Tuesday I was having a rough day but then I saw your comment telling me that you can't wait for the next chapter and it made me smile and get motivated again! Thank you! At the same time I got worried that this chapter turned out to be too heart-breaking to read. I know I felt very sad after I had finished writing it, which made me question whether I should publish it at all. I don't want to hurt anyone by what I write. But finally I decided that this flashback helps us understand Neal a bit more and so should be included in the story. Also, I hoped that by describing Neal's and Vincent's first meeting, I brought a little light into the chapter.
Thank you again and please take care! ❤
Next(05.09): How To Save a Life