A/N: Disclaimer: Refer back to Chapter 1.
WARNING: OOC, LANGUAGE
Chapter 6: Guilt
Argilla frowned as she watched him walk away from her, setting up the bright yellow tent. She sighed; it had been her fault…
And now, she had ceased to be an asset for him in this mission but had instead, become a liability.
'So stupid…!' she scolded herself.
She didn't know what came over her…She just totally lost it when she heard the bear growl.
She sighed and closed her eyes. A moment later, she felt herself being lifted off the ground. She looked and saw that it was Serph carrying her.
A moment later, she found herself within the tent.
Serph took the lamp and let the fire burn. He then turned to her, "Just relax." he told her gently.
Argilla looked at him, helpless, as he slowly removed the thick boot from her foot, and then her double-layered socks and there inspected the aforesaid dainty foot carefully, massaging it.
Argilla winced as he touched the foot and then massaging it carefully once more. This was what she had really hated of doing. She hated being a liability to him…
And now…this was all she was.
'Useless…stupid…' she said, cursing herself within.
"I'm sorry." she told him as she winced once more.
Serph sighed, "Well, this should be okay…But I do think that you'd have to spend your time on the sled." He had had her sprained foot on a makeshift brace. Well, he was right. She wouldn't be able to walk about for a while.
"We have to reduce the swelling. Ice wraps maybe?" he asked, smiling a bit.
Argilla looked at him with a sour face. His injection of humor at that particular time was severely out of place.
He didn't respond to what it was she had said. She sighed; he didn't respond or he didn't care.
"I said I'm sorry." she said, a bit louder this time.
"What?" Serph asked, totally dumbfounded. He had been too preoccupied at tending to her foot that he hadn't heard her at all.
He looked up at her, having finished with her small foot and looked at her with a puzzled expression.
She frowned, "I'm sorry about today. I panicked." she admitted boldly.
Serph nodded, "It's fine. Don't worry about it."
That was it? He wasn't going to say anything else? Didn't he care? Wasn't he bothered? Of course he was; he was just saying that to make her feel better about herself!
She narrowed her eyes at him, "No it's not! I disobeyed orders! I panicked! I lost my presence of mind!" she yelled.
Serph looked at her calmly, "It happens Argilla."
Argilla glared at him, "I'm sorry I'm…useless." she finished regretfully.
Serph sighed; their positions had been totally reversed. Now…she was feeling what he felt…But hers had a variation from his.
Hers wasn't her fault. It was an accident…And she hadn't any experience with bears like that…
He sat beside her and made her look at him, "I've read your mission logs Argilla. I know you haven't had any background in wilderness survival missions…It was your first time standing toe to toe with a bear." he then chuckled, "And the bear you sniped a couple of days ago doesn't count!"
Argilla smiled a bit. That was right…the bear that she had killed the other day never even knew she was there…She had sniped it and killed it from afar. She was glad that Serph was doing his best to cheer her up.
And now that she thought of it, it was a little funny…
"You're not useless. If you were…I wouldn't be here now." he told her earnestly, holding her hand, "I would have been fish food by now." he finished with a twinge of heartfelt humor.
Argilla frowned, "But I can't do anything now."
Serph chuckled, "You're being overdramatic. You're not going to be able to walk for a few days, but that's it. You're not diseased or terminally ill."
Argilla smiled ruefully. She wanted to believe him. But she just couldn't. They were already stranded in this God-forsaken place with not much food and supplies…And now she was going to wear him down…making their trek even slower.
Serph saw the look in her face and there, returned the favor that she had done for him. He had kissed her chastely on the lips, "Don't worry about it."
Argilla's face blushed beet red. He had kissed her.
'It's just a simple peck…' she told herself, 'Hmph…'
He withdrew from her and there nodded, "Stay here for a while. I'll be right back."
She snorted, "Like I have a choice."
He chuckled, "You're right. You don't."
She stuck her tongue out at him and shooed him out. She calmed herself when she finally found herself alone. She lightly touched her lips and was surprised to find them still warm…
She ran her tongue over it and…there…she found the most curious taste…
She tasted him.
Hot blood rushed throughout her entire body as her mind flashed images before her very eyes, taking her to a land of pure fantasy…Nothing but phantasmagoric images floated within her mind.
There, within, she saw him and her…hand in hand…
She blushed, 'It's just a friendly kiss…It doesn't mean anything…'
She then frowned as she felt her heart painfully prick, 'Then why do I wish it wasn't just that…?'
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Serph left the tent and once more made for the binoculars. They needed to cross the lake if they were to reach the dome. He sighed, 'At this rate…we wouldn't be there for another few days…'
Well, it really wasn't Argilla's fault. Her ankle had been sprained when she lost her balance…That was understandable.
But the fact remained; what should they do now?
Should they proceed and find another way along the lake? Or camp out there for the time being? He looked up at the sky. Judging by the temperature and the light…he would say that they still had quite a few hours before sundown.
It was a waste of time to remain in the open, he deemed. He walked over to the sled and there took prepared space in which his comrade would sit on.
Once he was done, he went back within the tent and spoke as he saw Argilla, "Argilla, we have to keep going. We still have plenty of time."
He looked at her and saw that she looked quite disoriented, "Argilla? Something wrong?"
She blushed and shook her head vigorously, "Of course not. So, errr…now what? We have to keep going?"
He nodded, "Right. I've prepared the sled for you. He crawled over to her put on her thick jacket, along with the bear fur-coat. He reached for her pair of goggles, "Here. Put this on."
She nodded and did as she was told.
After making sure that she was all warm, he took her in his arms and left the tent. He walked over to the sled and ever so gently placed her in it. He had made sure that the sled had the blanket within so that he may wrap her within it snuggly and tightly, trapping her body heat.
After doing so, he walked over to their tent and dismantled it over again and neatly packed it. As soon as he was done, he put the tent just in front of Argilla, on the sled and there started to pull it.
Argilla looked at him with sympathetic eyes as he pulled the sled, with her in it. She could tell that he was probably having a hard time…But he did not complain. He did not huff or groan.
He just kept to himself; his steps and his breathing calm and even.
He just kept pulling and pulling.
It was then, within the warmth of the sled that she began to hate herself even more. She was a liability to him.
But alas…she could say nothing. And so, she had let him do whatever it was he wished.
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Serph pulled the sled with such ferocious tenacity. He had made a vow to himself long ago that he would be strong. He would be strong for her…He wanted her to see that he had grown from a boy into a man.
He felt proud at himself at that moment…but…his feelings were overwhelmed by other emotions than petty pride. He earnestly wanted to reach the dome as soon as they could. Argilla's health would deteriorate and their performance would be severely affected now that she was out of commission.
He was concerned for her wellbeing; that was his impetus…his driving force to cross that frozen lake.
But at the back of his mind…he could only wish that she would take notice of him now…He could only wish that she would see him…for him and not for who he was.
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The night had rolled in once more…and there was a blizzard. Serph had been lucky to have found a small cave near the frozen lake. They had set up camp and now, it had been him who had prepared their meal.
He handed Argilla her bowl and the two began to eat in silence.
Serph could feel the dreary air enshrouding the two of them…He dared not speak. He didn't want to. He was afraid that whatever words that might leave either of their lips would be…hurtful.
"Serph?"
Too late.
"Huh?"
He looked at Argilla and saw her face slightly drooping. He blinked, "What's wrong? Are you in pain?"
She shook her head, "Do you think…that we can get out of here?"
Serph sighed. Aah…it was that question. He smiled at her tentatively, "Of course we could. And we will." he finished firmly.
Argilla gazed into his eyes and saw hope. He too was hoping that they would be able to go back…go back to the world that they knew…
She sighed; before they had left for the expedition, she had been so excited. She had thought that it would be quite an adventure, seeing new places…new lands…oceans…for the very first time. She imagined how thrilling and exhilarating it would be to gaze upon the face of the unknown…welcoming it within her arms…
Relishing in its taste…
But…then…it took a turn for the worst.
They had lost their ship…Their comrades had died…She had been lucky to have found Serph. She had been lucky that they were still alive…
But now, she wondered…Up to how long could they keep up their struggles, clinging onto the pathetic fiber of their miserable lives…?
Miserable lives…?
'Yes…it is…'
It was a pitiable existence for Argilla. They were hanging by the very skin of their teeth. They were struggling. They were struggling to remain alive…but for what purpose…? What was the point of it all if they would never get to go home again…? What was the point of the struggle…if in the end…they realized that they would forever remain within their cold and desolate ice prison…?
Serph saw the face of despair within her eyes, daring him…challenging him to prove it wrong. He had commended her before thinking that she had no weaknesses…that she had been completely optimistic of their situation.
He had thought that she had been completely made of steel…But now…She had borne to him her weakness…
So, she did have them after all…
She was…human after all…
He narrowed his eyes and there crawled over to her, "Argilla, don't lose hope. We'll get home."
A part of her wanted to scream at him. A part of her wanted to yell at him.
'What if we can't!? What if we starve to death!? What if we freeze to death!?' was what the voices in her head screamed.
He grabbed her face suddenly and looked deep in her eyes, "We're going to get home, you hear?" he asked in a firm and strong voice, "I won't accept that we're going to be stranded here. I won't let us die. I won't let you die…" he told her.
Argilla's heart swelled in sheer happiness as she heard his words…He was strong. She saw nothing but tenacious resolve in his eyes. She felt nothing but raw strength within his arms…She knew…
She was happy. He wasn't the boy she had met all those years ago. He had evolved…and had accomplished so much…
"This time, I would be the one to protect you Argilla." he told her seriously, his eyes never leaving hers, his hands leaving her face, only to hold her arms firmly.
Entranced by his eyes, she spoke, whispering her desperate question, "Why…?"
Serph's breath stopped at his throat. He couldn't breathe; what was he to say to her now? Was he to divulge his hidden feelings of affection for her…? What if she didn't feel the same…?
"Because I am your comrade. And you are mine." he told her firmly.
Serph's heart felt so heavy then…His soul felt burdened as he heard himself lie through his teeth.
'Why couldn't I just tell her the truth…?' he asked himself painfully.
Why…?
Because this wasn't the time or the place to think of such things. They had more important things to worry about rather than some foolish flights of fancy brought by some foolhardy feelings.
When he was ready, he would tell her.
The woman before him said nothing but just nodded. He was glad. He didn't need to hear anything from her at that moment. No…he himself felt as if he had spoken enough for the next few days.
Turning his eyes away and releasing her from his hold, he took away their bowls and there cleaned them.
Argilla watched him with heavy eyes…and an even heavier heart. There were so many emotions running within her heart at that moment that she hadn't even experienced one fully…There were so much confusion…doubt…guilt…within her as she gazed at her leader and friend.
Even what she felt for him was an enigma.
'It hasn't changed…' she told herself…
Then why did she feel…drawn to him…?
At first she had thought that it was her instinct to protect those who cannot protect themselves…That was why she had taken it upon herself to always be there for him, ensuring that he would be safe.
She had been there because she knew that he needed her.
But now, their roles had been reversed. It wasn't him who needed her…It was she who needed him. She no longer needed to protect him and hence, by that logic, she should no longer feel drawn to him…She should no longer feel…deprived of his touch…of his attention.
She had thought that once she had felt that, that sense of fulfilling her protective duty to him, that her feelings for him would change…that she would no longer care and leave him be…Like the way an instructor would let their students graduate…The way a parent would watch as their child would grow…and build his own family…
But she had been mistaken yet again. The more she watched him…The more she saw the determination within him, within his eyes and within his burning soul, the more she knew…The more she felt drawn to him.
She realized that whatever it was she felt for him…wasn't just her desire to protect him. He was giving it his all to make her comfortable even if it meant straining himself. He was right…He wasn't a boy anymore.
Her stomach suddenly felt upset. She put a hand on it and pressed. She hated feeling stressed. She figured that it was giving her ulcers!
She laughed at that.
But her laughter soon died as her pink eyes met his silver pools. He had finished and had already prepared their bedding for the night. They had been lucky to find wood that they had been able to burn…
That was why they had a nice warm fire that evening…
The cave was warm and cozy…while the outside suffered the wrath of the blizzard. Serph came over to her and scooped her in his arms. She wrapped her arms around his neck and let him carry her.
When he gently set her on the warm sleeping bag and fur blanket, she looked at him with a smile, "Thanks." she told him gratefully…from the very depths of her thankful soul.
He smiled warmly, "You're welcome."
As he smiled, Argilla froze…She had never seen it before…
'How was it possible that I…?'
She had seen Serph countless of times…But she had never really…gazed at him. It was then as they continued to lock gazes that she began to see the little things about him…His twinkling eyes…his full lips…his boyish and innocent smile…
'He's…handsome.'
Serph hovered over her, entranced at her face…It was then, as their eyes continued to peer at one another's that they felt the overwhelming pull of some divine power as they found themselves being drawn to one another…
He leaned in towards her…
Their faces were only an inch away…
But suddenly, he stopped, 'What am I doing…?'
Yes; what was he doing? He was taking advantage of her vulnerable state.
He blinked, turned away and just reached for her boots and had slowly taken them off, leaving her in her thick socks instead, "We better get some sleep."
Argilla blinked, broken from her trance and merely nodded, gently turning her body onto its right side, facing the wall, "Right. We'd better."
Serph looked at Argilla with sad and longing eyes. She was dismayed. He knew very well what she felt at the moment…Because he himself felt that way. He had known that she had handled their situation well…but now, she just crumbled.
But it didn't matter to him.
He would be there to pick up the broken pieces. He would be there to make her whole once more. He would be the one to bring back the seeds of hope within her. He would be the one to rekindle the fires of optimism within…
He lay down beside her and sealed the sleeping bag tightly and there, shuffled within, making sure that the fur coat was on them warmly…When he was done, his arms and hands found her tiny waist and there latched themselves onto it. He buried his face at the crook of her neck as he nuzzled her.
He wanted to comfort her…
He didn't merely want to spew mere words at her; words that bring, at times, only false hope. He wanted her to know that he really meant what he said; that he wouldn't let them be stranded there, that he wouldn't let them die…that he wouldn't let her die.
He held onto her as tight as he could. He wanted her to believe him and feel the warmth of his perpetual burning resolve.
With a whisper of her name, softly and gently, he closed his eyes and succumbed to the distant beckon of sleep.
Argilla felt his breathing slow down. He was asleep. She sighed; he had fallen asleep almost instantaneously because he was exhausted.
She narrowed her eyes, 'Enough of this self-pity nonsense! I'm just going to have to hurry up and get out of this mess!' she yelled at herself.
Yes.
He had promised her that they would get home, and damn it, she wouldn't stand in the way of the fulfillment of that promise! She would do everything in her power to make it succeed.
'And I won't be able to do that if I'm bedridden!' she growled to herself.
A sprained ankle wasn't so bad. It could've been worse!
'I could've broken it!' she gulped.
At least, she didn't. She smiled; he was right. She wasn't useless…She wasn't useless…in his eyes.
"Thanks Serph." she whispered in the dark.
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The day had begun, and again, the two had set out upon their journey to find the end of the unknown; to find it, to conquer it.
Well, not really.
'We really need to get outta here…' Serph thought helplessly.
Yup. This place was definitely getting to him. He pulled the sled along the ice with little effort. The sled was heavy, yes, but it wasn't impossible. He just learnt to live with in. They had walked nearly half a mile from the cracked ice and it seemed that it had stopped there. That was good.
But now…there was another problem.
No point-man.
It looked like he had to do it all by himself.
He detached himself from the sled and there stared at Argilla. The weather wasn't that calm that day; the snow was blowing with the wind…But it wasn't as strong. But still, they had to hurry.
There might be another blizzard.
"I'll be point-man Argilla. I'll have to see which part of the ice is thick enough for the sled to cross." Serph said through the com link.
"Alright. Be careful." she said firmly. He nodded and slowly walked away.
Argilla looked at him with fearful eyes and a wildly beating heart. 'Be careful Serph…Don't do anything rash…'
She cursed herself at that thought. She was doing it again.
"I'm not a boy Argilla."
His voice flashed within her mind. She smiled though as she saw him wave to her several feet away. He had successfully navigated through the frozen lake.
She let out a breath of relief.
'Should there even have been one?' she snorted to herself.
Suddenly, she was met with his visage once more. He had made it to her…She saw his sweet and gently smile…She knew then…
'No. There needn't be one…He's strong.'
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Serph narrowed his eyes. The wind was getting stronger. He sighed; it was time to stop. Again. He was hoping that they would get to the dome before sundown…but at that rate…
No.
They'd be caught dead in a blizzard.
He looked left and right. No. There was no place in which they could find shelter for the night. He had to make one.
He walked over to Argilla and saw her huddled over, her chin touching her chest. He looked at her closely and saw that she was asleep. He frowned; he needed to do something fast. She might be having frostbite.
For the next hour or so, he had cut blocks of ice from the compacted snow and lifted them altogether. He was thankful to the Gods and Argilla that she had found the ice saws.
Without them, he wouldn't be able to do this.
He looked at the horizon before him. No. He couldn't see within the next few feet from him. The weather was getting worse. Nothing but strong winds pervaded them. He saw nothing but ice. Without any more hesitation, he walked over to the sled and slowly carried her out of it. He then deposited her within their snow trench shelter and laid her in it carefully.
He made sure that the sled was near their shelter and was firmly on the ground, with their equipment neatly and firmly packed inside.
Serph crawled through the small entrance of their shelter and closed it. He nodded in approval. Now, they had blocks of ice as a roof over their heads and another block of ice as their door.
They would be fine within.
He looked at her again and saw that she was still asleep. Worry crept up his spine and he slowly touched her shoulder, whispering, "Hey…Wake up."
She stirred lightly and there fluttered her eyes open, "Oh! Serph! Where are we?!" she asked frantically.
Serph chuckled; she was just so darned cute.
"Be still. There's another blizzard so we had to make camp. That's all. Here are your rations." he told her, handing her half the contents of the can.
He sighed; they hadn't many rations…Only four cans remained…and then there were their dried bear meat. That was it. They needed to conserve their supplies. But it was good though. The frozen lake could give them the supplies that they needed. They just had to reach the dome first.
With their tight but cozy shelter, Serph once more reached for her foot and removed her boot. She didn't wince. That was good.
"How are you feeling?" he asked gently, massaging her foot.
She smiled, "It feels a lot better. I might be able to walk again tomorrow."
Serph arched an eyebrow as he inspected it; he smiled. The swelling was gone. But still, he couldn't risk it.
"Alright. You'll walk. But it'll be slow. When we're preparing to leave, you may walk. But after that, it's back on the sled you go." he said in a mock scolding way, nodding his head, furrowing his eyebrows, giving his face an over all feigned serious countenance.
She laughed, "Sure thing mum."
Mum…
He smiled inwardly, even more than he did outwardly. Mum…He laughed at that. He saw it in her eyes…
She was changing…She was changing her opinion of him.
Maybe…now, she'd see that he was strong. And then maybe…he could tell her of what he felt about her.
Maybe.
'If we ever get out of here, that is.' he thought sourly.
No. They would. They would get home. Soon.
Soon, the two once more found one another in the other's arms. They needed the heat…now, more than ever. It wasn't just heat from their bodies that they needed…They needed the flames of their souls. They needed comfort…not just from the cold of the ice…but from the ever looming abysmal possibility of them being stranded there for the rest of their lives.
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