The Proper Incentive
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Summary: A silly little piece involving Karen's painful revelation that everyone's metabolism has its limits.
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Karen, to put it mildly, was Not Happy.
To put it less mildly, she was distinctly unhappy.
To put it less mildly still, she was freaking pissed off.
First she'd woken up with the hangover to end all hangovers; then she'd discovered that she'd shrunk one of her favourite pairs of shorts that day that she'd done the laundry while Mom was busy paying a visit, along with her trusty crowbar, to Duke; and now, the bathroom scale was broken!
"Good morning, pumpkin," Jeff greeted his only child fondly despite her distinctly Unhappy glower.
"Dad, something's wrong with the scale," she announced grumpily, readjusting her sweatpants.
A frown wrinkled the dark-haired man's forehead.
"Really?" He hurried over and stooped to examine it. "Why do you say that?"
"Someone reset it by mistake, or something. It's set about twenty pounds head."
Jeff looked up, befuddled.
"I don't know, sweetie," Jeff admitted hesitantly. "It looks fine to me."
"Just fine—!" Karen sputtered disbelievingly. "Dad, that thing is telling me that I'm twenty pounds up from what I was last month! Which was twenty pounds up from the month before!"
"It doesn't seem right," Jeff admitted, scratching his head, "when you never eat sweets, and don't eat a whole lot of anything the rest of the time. Why don't you let me take you to the Clinic, and we'll ask the Doctor and Elli about it."
Karen sighed, giving her father's hand a grateful squeeze.
"They'd better have some explanation for this."
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"Well, I do have some good news," the Doctor announced approximately forty minutes later. "There is absolutely nothing wrong with your health. Your metabolism is functioning normally, there are no problems with your thyroid functions, and as far as I can tell, this weight gain is completely…well, normal."
"But Doctor, Karen hardly eats! She's not like Ann, who eats for three and then burns it all off…well, being Ann. Or even like Popuri and me, who eat sweets and then live on fruit and lettuce for the next three days to make up for it. What is she gaining weight from?" Elli protested.
"That is a good question," the Doctor agreed, pondering this very carefully. "Karen has always been a little beneath the recommended weight for her height and age category." He addressed the girl seated on the cot. "Just for curiosity's sake, when was the last time you ate?"
"I had some leftover pizza and some popcorn for breakfast this morning," she shrugged. "Pretty normal."
He nodded slowly.
"Alright, not exactly the healthiest way to go, but at least it's something solid. Have you noticed a reduction in your energy level lately?"
Karen shrugged uneasily.
"Yeah, I guess. I've been waking up with headaches and a bit of nausea, too."
"Have you been getting enough sleep?" Elli piped up from behind her boss. "If you don't get at least four hours of sleep every night, your body goes into a sort of...crisis mode and clings to every calorie it gets." She turned to the doctor. "Is that right?"
He hesitated, crumbling under the sheer sweetness of that imploring soft brown gaze. He smiled.
"Well, it's close enough."
"I go to bed a little late, maybe," Karen admitted, turning slightly red.
Elli giggled.
"Does this have something to do with Young Mr. Rick, perhaps?"
Karen glared playfully at Elli.
"Watch it, nursie, or I might accidentally let it slip, what you were saying about someone that you may or may not work for in your sleep the last time you stayed over."
"And even so," the doctor said, blushing the same deep red shade that Elli was sporting, and allowing himself a tiny grin, "that would be exercise, which certainly shouldn't lead to this effect."
"I'm not sleeping with Rick!" Karen proclaimed, annoyed. "Well, not every night, anyway. God, if only…"
"Um, Karen?" Elli called hesitantly when, after a few minutes, she was still staring dreamily off into space, eyes slightly glazed.
"Oh, sorry," Karen grinned sheepishly. "Anyway, no. We usually stay at the bar too late to have any time for…uh, extra-curricular activities."
"The bar," the doctor repeated thoughtfully. "Karen, how much would you say you drink in the average night?"
She glared, colouring more deeply.
"Hey, give me a break! Maybe it's a lot, but you're only young once, right?"
"No one's trying to judge you, Karen," the doctor assured her lightly. "I know as well as anyone how difficult it can be to exercise restraint when the wine is really good."
"And I know better than anyone how much fun he is when he's tipsy," Elli added cheerfully.
"Okay, so you think it's the wine making me gain weight," Karen said impatiently, anxious to cut off any tales about the two denizens of the Clinic and drunken revelry that might scar her for life.
"I'm just saying, it's a possibility," the Doctor said.
"Then why isn't Rick gaining weight?"
Elli and Tim exchanged glances, both pondering the most subtle way to explain to the lovely brunette that the amount of exercise Rick subjected himself in the average day could easily burn off twice as many calories as he consumed, while helping tend a store and going on the occasional leisurely stroll was quite far from comparable.
"W-well," Elli finally spoke up, "Rick does take care of about fifty chickens by himself. You know that Lillia isn't up to a lot of physical exertion, and lately, Rick has been worried that Popuri might take after her, and too much hard work might trigger the same thing."
"Oh, that's why he's been doing all the housework lately, too," Karen said, nodding thoughtfully. Then she frowned. "Hey, wait a second! I work, too!"
The doctor and the nurse exchanged another glance, their minds again working overtime on a polite way to point out that there was a big difference between a day of exhausting labour, and a day of wandering around the Supermarket, occasionally serving customers, or taking the till when Jeff needed to head out a moment.
"Some jobs are just less physically taxing than others," Elli finally explained carefully. "I know that your job is hard, Karen, customers can be irritating, and dealing with Duke alone should earn you a medal. But it doesn't always provide a lot of physical activity. I know just how that is, too; I gained ten pounds within the first year at the Clinic. I think they call that Secretary Spread, or something. I took it back off within the next three months, but it certianly wasn't easy. And you know that Rick is constantly on the go."
"He's insane," Karen sighed, shaking her head. "He's gonna drop dead one of these days."
"Anyway, Karen," Elli said briskly, giving her an appraising once-over, "to tell you the truth, you're really not in that bad a state. I suppose that maybe fifteen, twenty pounds could afford to come back off, if only because you've never been pudgy before, and you might find yourself feeling sluggish with the added weight."
"Quite true," the doctor added, shooting a grateful look at his nurse for helping him through the awkward and terrifying matter of speaking to a young woman on the topic of weight loss. "We'll all brainstorm some ideas to help you take a bit of it back off – first and foremost, cut back a little on the wine – but no more than fifteen pounds."
"My clothes still won't fit!" Karen wailed.
"Then buy some new ones!" Elli shot back impatiently.
"I hate shopping!"
The little brunette grinned.
"Then give me your measurements and let me do it! Need anything else while I'm in town?"
Karen thought very carefully.
"Yeah, actually. Pick up a thick canvas apron, some heavy-duty gloves, and some really good work boots. I have an idea to take this weight back off…"
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"Uh, hi," Rick greeted, bewildered, as he swung open the door to find a strangely-garbed Karen beaming expectantly at him. "You know it's six in the morning, right?"
She grinned.
"Yup. Let's get to work."
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End Notes: She took yer jorb!
Written because, upon finding out the calories in a bottle of wine, I no longer believe that Karen can go to the bar, like, two nights a week, drink the amount of wine it would take her to get drunk, and still keep an amazing, slender figure. Seriously. She'd be better off eating cake everyday. O.o