YAYZERSZ! MY VERY FiRST DEAD LiKE ME FAN FIC!

Warning: Might be offensive religiously. Please don't take it personally. All remarks made in this story are solely those of the characters, which I so totally did not make up, or own. Okay I made up some of the reaps, but yeah that's it. Alrighty then, read on...

This chapter contains language that may be inappropriate for young readers as well as strong sexual dialogue, the overall story contains drug content, strong sexual content and a hella curses. Beware dear readers, beware.

According to the bible, when the world was made, God made Adam, and then used his rib to make Eve or something like that. Then their kids fucked each other and made little trailer trash midgets that would inherit the earth and blah blah blah. What the bible doesn't tell you is that there are different species of human.

There is, the Slut…

"You know that guy in the corduroys that were basically slipping off his hot, sweaty body?" Daisy happened to reminiscing/bragging this morning at Die Waffle Haus, "Well… I blew him."

Surprise, surprise.

"Thank you, very much Daisy for that charming anecdote," Rube said as he stirred his coffee.

"He was kind of small, though," she said giggling in a way that would make you think she was talking about bunnies, "It was theeeeeeeees big," she said holding her index finger about two inches away from her thumb.

There is the Stoner…

Mason rocked back and forth in his chair a little, "Even my wang is bigger than that!"

There is the Abnormally Indifferent…

"Five reapers, six reaps, someone's working double today. Peanut, that someone is you."

And there is of course the Slightly Irritable…

"What? Why is she doing it? Rube, you know I can do it. I've been here since nineteen eighty-three and how long has she been here? Since a month or something! She'll be lucky if she's pushing a year! No, no, no, Rube, you're underestimating me. I can do it! Just because I lost my job at the force doesn't mean I lost my edge!"

Street name, Unemployedious Roxious.

About a month ago, Roxy had discovered a mobster among her fellow coppers. She didn't have enough evidence to turn him in, so she took matters into her own hands. Thank god she didn't use her gun though, it would have been the end of the end. No, she was just caught trying to take his wire from him, which he had located in his pants. Lucky for her, when does the commissioner come back after hours to pick up the keys he had left on his desk? Right as she had him against the desk screaming and sweating nervously with his shirt ripped off and her hands going for his crotch.

Needless to say, Roxy isn't a cop anymore.

Rube leaned towards Roxy and beckoned her towards him. Roxy leaned forwards obediently but pissed-off-idly.

"I know you could. I really do, but you can't right now, this Raymond guy you groped is a little fuck and will say anything about you to clear his name. I swear to you this guy will make a case against you for 'sexual assault.' For your protection, we have to get you a new identity."

"WHAT!" Roxy yelled quickly withdrawing, "You're gonna kill me!…. AGAIN!"

The whole diner turned to look at the kinda creepy looking old guy across from the ranting creepy looking black woman. Hell, when somebody just yelled what Roxy just yelled, everyone in the five-mile-radius looks creepy.

Everybody stood still and we all looked from each other to the silent people surrounding us in shock and worry. I looked at Roxy, her eyes said, Say something to comfort them.

Rube's eyes said, Say something to defend me, kiddo.

I looked to Mason––and he winked and licked his lips.

Mason!

What?
I'm not checking you out, you dumbass!

Of course you're not, Georgie baby.

Oh god…

I rolled my eyes and wracked my brain.

I stood up nervously, and about five minutes later I finally said something, "Uh…they were rehearsing...for um...a play at the community center."

People looked at each other quizzically then shrugged and everyone resumed what they had been doing.

Roxy sat down slowly and leaned in towards Rube.

"Rube, I can't change bodies...I...I just can't..."

"You lost your job and we can get you a new house, but, Roxy, you have nothing to live for anyway. Everything that you have now, you'll still have when you're re-undead..."

Roxy looked away disappointedly. Rube was the only one of us that didn't know about Roxy's long-time boyfriend. We weren't supposed to get involved. "Be as the fly on the wall." We were supposed to live on the peripheral of life...and Roxy had taken a step too far.

Roxy leaned back.

"You're right. I have nothing to live for," and she stood up and walked away...